Poster Paint The Slammer


Poster Paint

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LineFromTo

To Big Mum Number One at mummymummymum.com

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What a colourful day it's been at The Slammer.

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We've had colourful costumes...

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CHEERING

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..colourful comedy...

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BOING

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..and thanks to Mr Burgess, even a bit of colourful language.

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"I'm The Governor and when I sing, I belch."

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It's all helped brighten this place up a bit!

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It started like this.

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KLAXON SOUNDS

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# You've been found guilty of a howling show-biz crime

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# So, welcome to The Slammer

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# Where you're going to spend your time

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# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

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# Performing to the limit

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# To try to get released

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# So, go fetch the audience

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# And bring them to The Slammer

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# And polish up your act

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# With a bit of glitz and glamour

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-# Your fate is in their hands...

-Ooh-Arr!

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# So make them cheer and clamour

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

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# The Slammer

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer. #

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Oh, deary me.

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Look at the state of that.

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-You wanted to see me, sir?

-Ah, yeah, yeah, Mr Burgess.

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Meadow's baked a tray of doughnuts for the inmates,

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-but fortunately, I checked.

-Why, what's wrong with them, sir?

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Well, they are faulty, Frank. Full of holes.

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I don't think the prisoners'll mind about that at all.

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Oh, no, no, you can't serve broken doughnuts, Frank. Wouldn't be right.

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-I'll get Meadows to take them...

-No, no, no,

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We don't want to hurt her feelings. I'll deal with them later.

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-All right, maybe I could help you out, sir.

-No.

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This is the sort of sacrifice only a governor can make.

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Hm, I see.

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Well, seeing as I'm here, sir,

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I'll check the acts for the Freedom Show.

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-Well, have a look at the poster. I'm busy at the moment.

-Yeah.

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Would you look at that, sir?

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-What is it?

-Graffiti, sir.

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-I think it's supposed to be you.

-How can you tell?

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Well, the giveaway, "Who's the governor?

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"I'm The Governor, and I smell of sausage rolls."

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-Oh, this is terrible, Frank.

-It certainly is, sir.

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They've missed out one of your chins.

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N-n-not the poster, the graffiti in The Slammer.

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-Oh.

-If the inmates take a sight of this...ooh,

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I'll be a laughing stock.

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-More of a laughing stock, sir.

-Yeah, more of a laughing stock.

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-Let's check all the other posters. There's no time to lose.

-Ah!

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No. Is there? No time to lose.

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-Little sprinkle of dust for luck.

-Like me before showtime, Meadows.

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Ha. Another one!

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-Look at that!

-Terrible, isn't it?

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No, sir, it's wonderful.

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Such verve, such vigour, the raw emotion of Banksy

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combined with the delicacy of a young Leonardo Da Vinci.

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-You what?

-It's art.

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It's vandalism, that is.

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You have to let the prisoners express themselves, sir.

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You were right, sir, all the other posters were ruined just the same.

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-Look at this. "I am The Governor and I wobble when I walk."

-Oof.

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-"I'm The Governor, and when I sing, I belch."

-How do they know that?

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And, "Who's The Governor? I'm The Governor,

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"and I smell of sausage rolls."

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-SHE WHISPERS:

-He does.

-I know.

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-Well, you know what this means, don't you?

-Yes!

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We've got a vandal on the loose in The Slammer.

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It's not vandalism.

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We should be encouraging the prisoners' artistic expression.

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-No.

-How about an art competition?

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Oh!

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That's a capital idea, Meadows.

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Thank you, sir. I'll get it sorted.

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Hm.

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With every inmate in The Slammer drawing one of their posters...

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Ha-ha. ..we'll soon get to the bottom of all this.

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Yes, sir, and we'll ensure he never holds a paintbrush again.

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-Ha-ha.

-Ha-ha-ha.

-Ha-ha-ha.

-Mu-ha-ha.

-Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha.

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BOTH: Mu-ha-ha-ha.

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-Can you smell sausage rolls, Frank?

-Yes, sir, I can.

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More glitter, Brian.

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Perfect!

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Mr Burgess, tell me, are all the performing prisoner acts here?

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Yes, they're all here, sir, The Crazy Tramps.

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Oh, very good. Let's have a look. Oh, yeah. What's it supposed to be?

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-It's him.

-Oh.

-HE LAUGHS

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-Third-time offender, Timo Marc, of course.

-Ooh!

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It's a good likeness of you, Frank. Ha!

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-Yeah, very funny.

-Well done, Timo.

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Uh, no, no. Let's have a look.

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-"It's snowtime," lad.

-SHE WHISPERS:

-He did his best!

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Well done, Billy.

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Well done, Billy.

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No, we still haven't found our winner yet, Frank.

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Keep look... Ah! You! It's you!

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Well, no, sir, quite obviously it's you.

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Oh, I see what you mean, sir, it is you.

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Right, you're nicked.

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-We have a winner, Pablo Pickaxe.

-No, no, no, that's not what I meant.

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-Well done, Pablo. Now, for your prize...

-Prize?!

-Prize?

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-Prize!

-There's no prizes.

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What do you mean? We can't have an art competition without a prize.

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You see, it's not really an art competition. It's more of a...

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I know, what about all those lovely doughnuts I made earlier on?

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No, they're mine. I mean...they're faulty.

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-Full of holes.

-Don't be daft, they're meant to be full of holes.

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Come on, Pablo.

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-Oh, grr!

-Leave it, sir. He's not worth it, sir. Leave it. Leave it.

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Right, what shall I do with these, sir?

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-Tear them up.

-Including this one, sir? The winning entry, sir?

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As chosen by you, very publicly in front of everyone, sir?

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Especially that one!

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-Very well, sir.

-Yeah, very good.

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-SIREN AND BUZZING

-Now, how do I look?

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And don't say like that poster!

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-Divine, sir.

-Divine, sir.

-Thank you very much.

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In that case, it's showtime!

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Oooh.

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-OVER MICROPHONE:

-Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer

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where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

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Now, please welcome your host,

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the Prison Service's very own poster boy,

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it's The Governor.

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THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD

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Hello!

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-HE SHOUTS:

-Who's The Governor?

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-AUDIENCE SHOUTS:

-You're The Governor!

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-Oh!

-Jailers and jailbirds, welcome to another Freedom Show

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here at The Slammer where you decide who goes free.

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Their debt to society paid.

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Well, jailers and jailbirds, what a week it's been.

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We've had a bit of trouble at the printers', yes.

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And unfortunately, I can't tell you the names of the acts

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that we've got on cos we haven't got any posters.

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But I can tell you we've got four acts,

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one act that's really...really "Ooh!"

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh.

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Another act that's really, "Ah!"

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ah.

-That's very good.

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And another act that's really, "Ha-ha ha-ha!"

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ha-ha ha-ha.

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But, right now, let's start of the Freedom Show with an act

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that's really...YEEEAH!

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THEY CHEER

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MUSIC PLAYS

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THEY CLAP TO BEAT

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-ALL:

-Whoo.

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THEY LAUGH

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THEY LAUGH

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-SHE SHOUTS:

-Look! Trousers.

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THEY LAUGH

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THEY LAUGH

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-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

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BOING

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-AUDIENCE:

-Whoop!

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THEY GIGGLE

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Here they are.

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Here they are.

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Whoa. Take away their... Yes.

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Oh-ho-ho!

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Ha-ha-ha. They don't want to go.

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I remember who they are now. Of course! It's The Crazy Tramps.

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Yeah, they were great, weren't they?! Yeah!

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CHEERING

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Don't try it at home. These are professionals.

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They reached real heights there. Did they reach the heights with you?

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Let's find out with the crazy Mr Burgess.

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Right, sir, may I take your drawing there?

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And would you like to talk us through that?

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It was when the man was on the floor

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and shaking his bum with the other one.

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And I'm seeing some...sort of fluffy area there.

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-Was he blowing off at the time, sir?

-Yeah.

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-Doing a big trump?

-Yeah.

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Tell us all about The Crazy Tramps.

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I think they were funny.

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The best part was when the Crazy Tramp

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got his head stuck in the trampoline.

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-Have you ever had a go on a trampoline?

-Yeah.

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-Can you do all that stuff?

-No.

-No, no.

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And, for one final word on The Crazy Tramps, miss.

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-Incessantly funny.

-Well, yes, incessantly funny, sir.

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That's what you thought of that marvellous act, The Crazy Tramps.

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Now, we're moving on to another act, and I'd love to tell you

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all about this act, I'd love to tell you what they're called...

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but I can't. But I will ask you to give a big, big cheer

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for an act that's here!

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YEAH!

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THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD

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BUZZING

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AUDIENCE LAUGHS

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MUSIC PLAYS

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SLUPRING

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GULPING

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SLURPING

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GULPING

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SLURPING

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GULPING

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BURPING

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AUDIENCE CHEERS

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BUZZING

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THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD

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DRUMROLLS

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BOING

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THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD

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APPLAUSE

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MUSIC CONTINUES

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THEY CHEER

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I remember him.

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Now, that's the fabulous Timo Marc, jailers and jailbirds. Yes!

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THEY WHOOP

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He's a bit of a repeat offender is Timo Marc. Marvellous.

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But what about that experience of levitation?

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Did you find it uplifting? Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

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Miss, what did you make of Timo Marc?

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It was amazingly scary. I can't believe it.

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What was scary about it? Which bit?

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-Um, when...

-The flea?

-Yeah.

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Given the choice between facing a flea and a lion,

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which one would you take, miss?

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Um...the lion.

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The lion? AUDIENCE LAUGHS

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Well, lots to enjoy with Timo Marc. What did you think of it?

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Well, that fly is magic drinking that milk.

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Flytastic!

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Flytastic, yeah!

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One final word from lady with dog on shirt.

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-THEY LAUGH

-It's a fox.

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-What?!

-It's a fox.

-SHE LAUGHS

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It's a fox, sir.

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Don't know what it means but let's go with it.

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Well, Timo Marc there,

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jailers and jailbirds, and his amazing, powerful flea.

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Will he be going free? Yes, you'll find out a little bit later.

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But now, it's time for the act that we call Solitary Confinement!

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-Yes.

-AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

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I know, I know, this is the part of the show where we let some

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performing prisoners have a go.

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They're too bad. We can't let them out.

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We can't let them escape.

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But we do give them a little chance, and if they do well,

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they have a treat.

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And the treat today is, we're going to give them

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a lovely reproduction of Leonardo da Vinci's famous painting

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the Mona Lisa, hanging up in their cell. Be nice that, won't it?

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-ALL:

-Whoo.

-But if they don't, they get a cruel and unusual

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punishment. Mr Burgess...

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-Ah!

-What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

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Today, sir, it's the old sack and porridge routine.

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-Ha!

-Ooh, the oldie sack and porridge. We don't want that.

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Nobody wants that.

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-But we do need a judge, Mr Burgess.

-We do, sir.

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-Someone...

-This young lady here, sir.

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Yes, give her a round of applause, please.

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She looks wise.

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APPLAUSE

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Tell me your name.

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-Charlotte.

-Charlotte.

-We give justice.

-We give justice.

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You will decide in a moment, but right now it's time to enjoy -

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if that's the right word - our special act.

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Yes, our solitary confinement act called Trick Cyclists.

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-Come this way.

-Come on, here we go.

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Whoa.

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-ALL:

-Boo!

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MUSIC PLAYS

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-ALL:

-Boo.

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No, no, no. They've got to go.

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I've got to take them off.

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Well, it seems the trick cyclists

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have the audience with them all the way.

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Probably shake them off by the motorway

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but now it's time for you to decide, remember, thumbs up

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and it's a Leonardo Da Vinci copy,

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thumbs down, it's warm, wet and ploppy.

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Get that thumb up there.

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Your time starts...now!

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Oh, oh, ooooh.

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Ooh!

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AUDIENCE CHEERS

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Your act was weak and sloppy, so, for you, it's plop, plop...

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-ALL:

-Plop, plop, ploppy.

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How many buckets? Give them both buckets! Yeah!

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-ALL SHOUT:

-Yeah!

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-THEY ALL CHANT:

-Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy...

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Both buckets!

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Lights out, sir.

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-Pull yourself together, sir.

-Sorry, Mr Burgess.

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-Well, yeah, take them back to their cells. Take them back.

-ALL:

-Boo.

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Yes, and a big hand for our judge, Justice Charlotte. Thank you.

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THEY APPLAUD

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-On with the Freedom Show, Mr Burgess.

-Hi-yah!

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Now, the next act needs no introduction, which is

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just as well, cos I'm in no position to give them one.

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Except to say, they're brilliant. Yeah!

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AUDIENCE CHEERS

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Whoa.

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-ALL:

-Whoo.

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THEY CHEER

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-ALL:

-Whoo!

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THEY CHEER

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APPLAUSE

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THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD

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Well, the Alien Invasion there.

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Jailers and jailbirds,

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don't let me find out that any of you have been

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doing anything like that. Don't ever try anything like that.

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Remember, they're highly-trained athletes.

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But, at the end of the day, was the Alien Invasion

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out of this world?

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Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

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The Alien Invasion, miss, did it invade your world?

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Um, I thought it was awesomely amazingly brilliantly

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fantastically superbly epic.

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Did you like the Alien Invasion?

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It was really good, and I think they are really talented.

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They should go out of The Slammer.

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They should, back to their planet.

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What planet do you think they came from?

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-Zoggabogga.

-Zoggabogga? THEY LAUGH

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What language do they speak in Zoggabogga, madam?

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Zoggaboggarea.

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-Could you speak a bit for us please?

-No.

-Anyone speak Zoggaboggarea?

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-Yeah!

-Yeah, OK, let's speak a bit for me.

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-SHE SPEAKS GOBBLEDEGOOK

-Yeah?

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HE RESPONDS IN GOBBLEDEGOOK

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THEY CONVERSE IN GOBBLEDEGOOK

0:21:300:21:34

Yeah! Thank you! Wa-hey!

0:21:360:21:38

APPLAUSE

0:21:380:21:40

And for one final word about the Alien Invasion, sock it to me, baby.

0:21:400:21:43

-A miracle.

-A miracle, sir.

0:21:430:21:45

Right, onto our final performing prisoner act. Yes.

0:21:450:21:49

And once again, because there's no posters here in The Slammer,

0:21:490:21:53

I can't tell you what the act is,

0:21:530:21:55

but they're really, really good,

0:21:550:21:57

so I hope you really, really enjoy them.

0:21:570:21:59

It's the act that we know as... Oh!

0:21:590:22:02

MUSIC PLAYS

0:22:020:22:03

-MUSIC:

-"Jump Around" by House Of Pain

0:22:190:22:21

Whoo!

0:22:530:22:54

# Jump around

0:23:050:23:07

# Jump around

0:23:070:23:08

# Jump up, jump up and get down

0:23:090:23:12

# Jump, jump, jump, jump

0:23:120:23:14

# Jump, jump, jump, jump...#

0:23:140:23:16

THEY CHEER

0:23:180:23:19

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

0:23:270:23:29

THEY LAUGH

0:23:350:23:37

Get those...get those Power Risers.

0:23:440:23:46

Well, of course I know who they are now - durr!

0:23:460:23:50

Yes, they're the Power Risers. Power Risers.

0:23:500:23:52

And they're serving seven years in The Slammer for giving a very

0:23:520:23:55

stilted performance.

0:23:550:23:56

-Ooh!

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:23:560:23:58

But did they really go up in your estimation?

0:23:580:24:00

Let's find out with Mr bouncy Burgess.

0:24:000:24:03

Sir, what did you make of that?

0:24:030:24:05

It was good in some ways but...

0:24:050:24:08

Every time they started bouncing I was afraid

0:24:080:24:11

they would fall off and break their neck.

0:24:110:24:13

-Really?

-Yeah.

0:24:130:24:14

-So, you had health and safety issues with that act?

-Yeah.

0:24:140:24:18

Well, a very bouncy act. Did you like them?

0:24:180:24:20

Yeah, I thought they were very good because

0:24:200:24:22

they bounced over lots of different boxes.

0:24:220:24:24

-And did you do a poster of them?

-Yeah.

0:24:240:24:26

Let's have a look at it. What have we got?

0:24:260:24:28

They look like bouncing pirates there, don't they?

0:24:280:24:30

Sum that act up for me in one final word. Da!

0:24:300:24:32

-Macnificent.

-Macnificent, sir. MAC-nificant.

0:24:320:24:36

Right, performing prisoner appreciators,

0:24:360:24:39

it's time now to decide who goes free with this,

0:24:390:24:41

the Clap-o-meter as modelled by Meadows there.

0:24:410:24:44

Let's get all the acts back onto the stage.

0:24:440:24:46

Welcome them, please.

0:24:460:24:48

Those Crazy Tramps, Timo Marc,

0:24:480:24:51

Alien Invasion and those Power Risers.

0:24:510:24:55

APPLAUSE

0:24:550:24:56

Well, four very different, exciting acts.

0:24:560:24:59

And at last, now, I know who they are. But what did you think of them?

0:24:590:25:03

That's what matters. The more noise you make, the higher their score.

0:25:030:25:06

Let's have the first ones up, please.

0:25:060:25:08

Make some noise for those Crazy Tramps.

0:25:080:25:11

AUDIENCE SCREAMS AND APPLAUDS

0:25:110:25:14

Wow.

0:25:170:25:18

Look at that, trampolining to 85.2.

0:25:180:25:21

That's really good. There we are.

0:25:210:25:23

Well, there were two of them.

0:25:230:25:24

And this next act was a sort of double act except

0:25:240:25:27

you couldn't see one of them.

0:25:270:25:28

But he was brilliant - Timo Marc!

0:25:280:25:30

THEY SCREAM AND APPLAUD

0:25:300:25:32

Oh, Timo gets 85.7.

0:25:350:25:38

Whoa, it's close today.

0:25:380:25:40

It's close. Well, we were visited.

0:25:400:25:42

We were visited. We are not alone.

0:25:420:25:44

We had an Alien Invasion!

0:25:440:25:46

THEY SCREAM AND APPLAUD

0:25:460:25:48

Oh, blasting off.

0:25:520:25:54

Boy, blasting off to a new score.

0:25:540:25:57

92.1.

0:25:570:25:59

Scored to taking off into the lead there, the Alien Invasion.

0:25:590:26:02

Only one act can beat them now who can catch them.

0:26:020:26:04

Will it be the Power Risers...

0:26:040:26:07

THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD

0:26:070:26:09

..bouncing to it?

0:26:090:26:10

Whoa. No, not quite.

0:26:110:26:13

A good score, 73.9.

0:26:130:26:15

But that means, going free up into the stratosphere,

0:26:150:26:19

it is the Alien Invasion!

0:26:190:26:21

Well, jailers and jailbirds, that's the good news.

0:26:270:26:30

The bad news for the rest of the performing prisoners is

0:26:300:26:32

they're staying for tea.

0:26:320:26:33

And we know what we get for tea, don't we, Mr Burgess?

0:26:330:26:36

The usual sloppy ploppy porridge.

0:26:360:26:38

-Oh, bet it's not, sir.

-What do you mean?

0:26:380:26:40

-I bet you it's not sloppy ploppy porridge tonight.

-You bet? How much?

0:26:400:26:43

-50p, sir.

-50p? You're on.

-Yeah,

-All right. Ha.

0:26:430:26:46

-What's for tea then?

-Sloppy ploppy porridge. Here's your 50p.

0:26:460:26:49

Right, you lot, off you go.

0:26:490:26:50

Take him away, everybody. Go on, give him a big cheer.

0:26:500:26:53

Jailers and jailbirds, go on. Off they go!

0:26:530:26:55

Well, there we are. At least I won 50p.

0:26:560:26:58

I'll buy some sloppy ploppy porridge with it.

0:26:580:27:01

In the meantime, everybody, have a great time.

0:27:010:27:03

Join us again soon on the Freedom Show, here at The Slammer.

0:27:030:27:07

Bye-bye, everybody. Bye-bye.

0:27:070:27:09

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:27:090:27:11

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

0:27:290:27:33

A splendid show, Frank.

0:27:340:27:35

Oh, and look, just one doughnut left - for me.

0:27:350:27:38

-Yeah.

-Sorry, sir, you can't have this. It's faulty, full of holes.

0:27:380:27:41

I'll give it to Pablo, he won't mind.

0:27:410:27:43

Oh, sir,

0:27:440:27:46

I bet you "dough nut" like that, do you sir? Hm? Hm?

0:27:460:27:51

KLAXON SOUNDS

0:27:530:27:56

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