Poster Paint The Slammer

To Big Mum Number One at mummymummymum.com

What a colourful day it's been at The Slammer.

We've had colourful costumes...

CHEERING

..colourful comedy...

BOING

..and thanks to Mr Burgess, even a bit of colourful language.

"I'm The Governor and when I sing, I belch."

It's all helped brighten this place up a bit!

It started like this.

KLAXON SOUNDS

# You've been found guilty of a howling show-biz crime

# So, welcome to The Slammer

# Where you're going to spend your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit

# To try to get released

# So, go fetch the audience

# And bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act

# With a bit of glitz and glamour

-# Your fate is in their hands...

-Ooh-Arr!

# So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer. #

Oh, deary me.

Look at the state of that.

-You wanted to see me, sir?

-Ah, yeah, yeah, Mr Burgess.

Meadow's baked a tray of doughnuts for the inmates,

-but fortunately, I checked.

-Why, what's wrong with them, sir?

Well, they are faulty, Frank. Full of holes.

I don't think the prisoners'll mind about that at all.

Oh, no, no, you can't serve broken doughnuts, Frank. Wouldn't be right.

-I'll get Meadows to take them...

-No, no, no,

We don't want to hurt her feelings. I'll deal with them later.

-All right, maybe I could help you out, sir.

-No.

This is the sort of sacrifice only a governor can make.

Hm, I see.

Well, seeing as I'm here, sir,

I'll check the acts for the Freedom Show.

-Well, have a look at the poster. I'm busy at the moment.

-Yeah.

Would you look at that, sir?

-What is it?

-Graffiti, sir.

-I think it's supposed to be you.

-How can you tell?

Well, the giveaway, "Who's the governor?

"I'm The Governor, and I smell of sausage rolls."

-Oh, this is terrible, Frank.

-It certainly is, sir.

They've missed out one of your chins.

N-n-not the poster, the graffiti in The Slammer.

-Oh.

-If the inmates take a sight of this...ooh,

I'll be a laughing stock.

-More of a laughing stock, sir.

-Yeah, more of a laughing stock.

-Let's check all the other posters. There's no time to lose.

-Ah!

No. Is there? No time to lose.

-Little sprinkle of dust for luck.

-Like me before showtime, Meadows.

Ha. Another one!

-Look at that!

-Terrible, isn't it?

No, sir, it's wonderful.

Such verve, such vigour, the raw emotion of Banksy

combined with the delicacy of a young Leonardo Da Vinci.

-You what?

-It's art.

It's vandalism, that is.

You have to let the prisoners express themselves, sir.

You were right, sir, all the other posters were ruined just the same.

-Look at this. "I am The Governor and I wobble when I walk."

-Oof.

-"I'm The Governor, and when I sing, I belch."

-How do they know that?

And, "Who's The Governor? I'm The Governor,

"and I smell of sausage rolls."

-SHE WHISPERS:

-He does.

-I know.

-Well, you know what this means, don't you?

-Yes!

We've got a vandal on the loose in The Slammer.

It's not vandalism.

We should be encouraging the prisoners' artistic expression.

-No.

-How about an art competition?

Oh!

That's a capital idea, Meadows.

Thank you, sir. I'll get it sorted.

Hm.

With every inmate in The Slammer drawing one of their posters...

Ha-ha. ..we'll soon get to the bottom of all this.

Yes, sir, and we'll ensure he never holds a paintbrush again.

-Ha-ha.

-Ha-ha-ha.

-Ha-ha-ha.

-Mu-ha-ha.

-Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha.

BOTH: Mu-ha-ha-ha.

-Can you smell sausage rolls, Frank?

-Yes, sir, I can.

More glitter, Brian.

Perfect!

Mr Burgess, tell me, are all the performing prisoner acts here?

Yes, they're all here, sir, The Crazy Tramps.

Oh, very good. Let's have a look. Oh, yeah. What's it supposed to be?

-It's him.

-Oh.

-HE LAUGHS

-Third-time offender, Timo Marc, of course.

-Ooh!

It's a good likeness of you, Frank. Ha!

-Yeah, very funny.

-Well done, Timo.

Uh, no, no. Let's have a look.

-"It's snowtime," lad.

-SHE WHISPERS:

-He did his best!

Well done, Billy.

Well done, Billy.

No, we still haven't found our winner yet, Frank.

Keep look... Ah! You! It's you!

Well, no, sir, quite obviously it's you.

Oh, I see what you mean, sir, it is you.

Right, you're nicked.

-We have a winner, Pablo Pickaxe.

-No, no, no, that's not what I meant.

-Well done, Pablo. Now, for your prize...

-Prize?!

-Prize?

-Prize!

-There's no prizes.

What do you mean? We can't have an art competition without a prize.

You see, it's not really an art competition. It's more of a...

I know, what about all those lovely doughnuts I made earlier on?

No, they're mine. I mean...they're faulty.

-Full of holes.

-Don't be daft, they're meant to be full of holes.

Come on, Pablo.

-Oh, grr!

-Leave it, sir. He's not worth it, sir. Leave it. Leave it.

Right, what shall I do with these, sir?

-Tear them up.

-Including this one, sir? The winning entry, sir?

As chosen by you, very publicly in front of everyone, sir?

Especially that one!

-Very well, sir.

-Yeah, very good.

-SIREN AND BUZZING

-Now, how do I look?

And don't say like that poster!

-Divine, sir.

-Divine, sir.

-Thank you very much.

In that case, it's showtime!

Oooh.

-OVER MICROPHONE:

-Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

Now, please welcome your host,

the Prison Service's very own poster boy,

it's The Governor.

THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD

Hello!

-HE SHOUTS:

-Who's The Governor?

-AUDIENCE SHOUTS:

-You're The Governor!

-Oh!

-Jailers and jailbirds, welcome to another Freedom Show

here at The Slammer where you decide who goes free.

Their debt to society paid.

Well, jailers and jailbirds, what a week it's been.

We've had a bit of trouble at the printers', yes.

And unfortunately, I can't tell you the names of the acts

that we've got on cos we haven't got any posters.

But I can tell you we've got four acts,

one act that's really...really "Ooh!"

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh.

Another act that's really, "Ah!"

-AUDIENCE:

-Ah.

-That's very good.

And another act that's really, "Ha-ha ha-ha!"

-AUDIENCE:

-Ha-ha ha-ha.

But, right now, let's start of the Freedom Show with an act

that's really...YEEEAH!

THEY CHEER

MUSIC PLAYS

THEY CLAP TO BEAT

-ALL:

-Whoo.

THEY LAUGH

THEY LAUGH

-SHE SHOUTS:

-Look! Trousers.

THEY LAUGH

THEY LAUGH

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

BOING

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoop!

THEY GIGGLE

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Here they are.

Here they are.

Whoa. Take away their... Yes.

Oh-ho-ho!

Ha-ha-ha. They don't want to go.

I remember who they are now. Of course! It's The Crazy Tramps.

Yeah, they were great, weren't they?! Yeah!

CHEERING

Don't try it at home. These are professionals.

They reached real heights there. Did they reach the heights with you?

Let's find out with the crazy Mr Burgess.

Right, sir, may I take your drawing there?

And would you like to talk us through that?

It was when the man was on the floor

and shaking his bum with the other one.

And I'm seeing some...sort of fluffy area there.

-Was he blowing off at the time, sir?

-Yeah.

-Doing a big trump?

-Yeah.

Tell us all about The Crazy Tramps.

I think they were funny.

The best part was when the Crazy Tramp

got his head stuck in the trampoline.

-Have you ever had a go on a trampoline?

-Yeah.

-Can you do all that stuff?

-No.

-No, no.

And, for one final word on The Crazy Tramps, miss.

-Incessantly funny.

-Well, yes, incessantly funny, sir.

That's what you thought of that marvellous act, The Crazy Tramps.

Now, we're moving on to another act, and I'd love to tell you

all about this act, I'd love to tell you what they're called...

but I can't. But I will ask you to give a big, big cheer

for an act that's here!

YEAH!

THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD

BUZZING

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

MUSIC PLAYS

SLUPRING

GULPING

SLURPING

GULPING

SLURPING

GULPING

BURPING

AUDIENCE CHEERS

BUZZING

THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD

DRUMROLLS

BOING

THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD

APPLAUSE

MUSIC CONTINUES

THEY CHEER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I remember him.

Now, that's the fabulous Timo Marc, jailers and jailbirds. Yes!

THEY WHOOP

He's a bit of a repeat offender is Timo Marc. Marvellous.

But what about that experience of levitation?

Did you find it uplifting? Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Miss, what did you make of Timo Marc?

It was amazingly scary. I can't believe it.

What was scary about it? Which bit?

-Um, when...

-The flea?

-Yeah.

Given the choice between facing a flea and a lion,

which one would you take, miss?

Um...the lion.

The lion? AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Well, lots to enjoy with Timo Marc. What did you think of it?

Well, that fly is magic drinking that milk.

Flytastic!

Flytastic, yeah!

One final word from lady with dog on shirt.

-THEY LAUGH

-It's a fox.

-What?!

-It's a fox.

-SHE LAUGHS

It's a fox, sir.

Don't know what it means but let's go with it.

Well, Timo Marc there,

jailers and jailbirds, and his amazing, powerful flea.

Will he be going free? Yes, you'll find out a little bit later.

But now, it's time for the act that we call Solitary Confinement!

-Yes.

-AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

I know, I know, this is the part of the show where we let some

performing prisoners have a go.

They're too bad. We can't let them out.

We can't let them escape.

But we do give them a little chance, and if they do well,

they have a treat.

And the treat today is, we're going to give them

a lovely reproduction of Leonardo da Vinci's famous painting

the Mona Lisa, hanging up in their cell. Be nice that, won't it?

-ALL:

-Whoo.

-But if they don't, they get a cruel and unusual

punishment. Mr Burgess...

-Ah!

-What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today, sir, it's the old sack and porridge routine.

-Ha!

-Ooh, the oldie sack and porridge. We don't want that.

Nobody wants that.

-But we do need a judge, Mr Burgess.

-We do, sir.

-Someone...

-This young lady here, sir.

Yes, give her a round of applause, please.

She looks wise.

APPLAUSE

Tell me your name.

-Charlotte.

-Charlotte.

-We give justice.

-We give justice.

You will decide in a moment, but right now it's time to enjoy -

if that's the right word - our special act.

Yes, our solitary confinement act called Trick Cyclists.

-Come this way.

-Come on, here we go.

Whoa.

-ALL:

-Boo!

MUSIC PLAYS

-ALL:

-Boo.

No, no, no. They've got to go.

I've got to take them off.

Well, it seems the trick cyclists

have the audience with them all the way.

Probably shake them off by the motorway

but now it's time for you to decide, remember, thumbs up

and it's a Leonardo Da Vinci copy,

thumbs down, it's warm, wet and ploppy.

Get that thumb up there.

Your time starts...now!

Oh, oh, ooooh.

Ooh!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Your act was weak and sloppy, so, for you, it's plop, plop...

-ALL:

-Plop, plop, ploppy.

How many buckets? Give them both buckets! Yeah!

-ALL SHOUT:

-Yeah!

-THEY ALL CHANT:

-Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy...

Both buckets!

Lights out, sir.

-Pull yourself together, sir.

-Sorry, Mr Burgess.

-Well, yeah, take them back to their cells. Take them back.

-ALL:

-Boo.

Yes, and a big hand for our judge, Justice Charlotte. Thank you.

THEY APPLAUD

-On with the Freedom Show, Mr Burgess.

-Hi-yah!

Now, the next act needs no introduction, which is

just as well, cos I'm in no position to give them one.

Except to say, they're brilliant. Yeah!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Whoa.

-ALL:

-Whoo.

THEY CHEER

-ALL:

-Whoo!

THEY CHEER

APPLAUSE

THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD

Well, the Alien Invasion there.

Jailers and jailbirds,

don't let me find out that any of you have been

doing anything like that. Don't ever try anything like that.

Remember, they're highly-trained athletes.

But, at the end of the day, was the Alien Invasion

out of this world?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

The Alien Invasion, miss, did it invade your world?

Um, I thought it was awesomely amazingly brilliantly

fantastically superbly epic.

Did you like the Alien Invasion?

It was really good, and I think they are really talented.

They should go out of The Slammer.

They should, back to their planet.

What planet do you think they came from?

-Zoggabogga.

-Zoggabogga? THEY LAUGH

What language do they speak in Zoggabogga, madam?

Zoggaboggarea.

-Could you speak a bit for us please?

-No.

-Anyone speak Zoggaboggarea?

-Yeah!

-Yeah, OK, let's speak a bit for me.

-SHE SPEAKS GOBBLEDEGOOK

-Yeah?

HE RESPONDS IN GOBBLEDEGOOK

THEY CONVERSE IN GOBBLEDEGOOK

Yeah! Thank you! Wa-hey!

APPLAUSE

And for one final word about the Alien Invasion, sock it to me, baby.

-A miracle.

-A miracle, sir.

Right, onto our final performing prisoner act. Yes.

And once again, because there's no posters here in The Slammer,

I can't tell you what the act is,

but they're really, really good,

so I hope you really, really enjoy them.

It's the act that we know as... Oh!

MUSIC PLAYS

-MUSIC:

-"Jump Around" by House Of Pain

Whoo!

# Jump around

# Jump around

# Jump up, jump up and get down

# Jump, jump, jump, jump

# Jump, jump, jump, jump...#

THEY CHEER

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

THEY LAUGH

Get those...get those Power Risers.

Well, of course I know who they are now - durr!

Yes, they're the Power Risers. Power Risers.

And they're serving seven years in The Slammer for giving a very

stilted performance.

-Ooh!

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

But did they really go up in your estimation?

Let's find out with Mr bouncy Burgess.

Sir, what did you make of that?

It was good in some ways but...

Every time they started bouncing I was afraid

they would fall off and break their neck.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-So, you had health and safety issues with that act?

-Yeah.

Well, a very bouncy act. Did you like them?

Yeah, I thought they were very good because

they bounced over lots of different boxes.

-And did you do a poster of them?

-Yeah.

Let's have a look at it. What have we got?

They look like bouncing pirates there, don't they?

Sum that act up for me in one final word. Da!

-Macnificent.

-Macnificent, sir. MAC-nificant.

Right, performing prisoner appreciators,

it's time now to decide who goes free with this,

the Clap-o-meter as modelled by Meadows there.

Let's get all the acts back onto the stage.

Welcome them, please.

Those Crazy Tramps, Timo Marc,

Alien Invasion and those Power Risers.

APPLAUSE

Well, four very different, exciting acts.

And at last, now, I know who they are. But what did you think of them?

That's what matters. The more noise you make, the higher their score.

Let's have the first ones up, please.

Make some noise for those Crazy Tramps.

AUDIENCE SCREAMS AND APPLAUDS

Wow.

Look at that, trampolining to 85.2.

That's really good. There we are.

Well, there were two of them.

And this next act was a sort of double act except

you couldn't see one of them.

But he was brilliant - Timo Marc!

THEY SCREAM AND APPLAUD

Oh, Timo gets 85.7.

Whoa, it's close today.

It's close. Well, we were visited.

We were visited. We are not alone.

We had an Alien Invasion!

THEY SCREAM AND APPLAUD

Oh, blasting off.

Boy, blasting off to a new score.

92.1.

Scored to taking off into the lead there, the Alien Invasion.

Only one act can beat them now who can catch them.

Will it be the Power Risers...

THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD

..bouncing to it?

Whoa. No, not quite.

A good score, 73.9.

But that means, going free up into the stratosphere,

it is the Alien Invasion!

Well, jailers and jailbirds, that's the good news.

The bad news for the rest of the performing prisoners is

they're staying for tea.

And we know what we get for tea, don't we, Mr Burgess?

The usual sloppy ploppy porridge.

-Oh, bet it's not, sir.

-What do you mean?

-I bet you it's not sloppy ploppy porridge tonight.

-You bet? How much?

-50p, sir.

-50p? You're on.

-Yeah,

-All right. Ha.

-What's for tea then?

-Sloppy ploppy porridge. Here's your 50p.

Right, you lot, off you go.

Take him away, everybody. Go on, give him a big cheer.

Jailers and jailbirds, go on. Off they go!

Well, there we are. At least I won 50p.

I'll buy some sloppy ploppy porridge with it.

In the meantime, everybody, have a great time.

Join us again soon on the Freedom Show, here at The Slammer.

Bye-bye, everybody. Bye-bye.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

A splendid show, Frank.

Oh, and look, just one doughnut left - for me.

-Yeah.

-Sorry, sir, you can't have this. It's faulty, full of holes.

I'll give it to Pablo, he won't mind.

Oh, sir,

I bet you "dough nut" like that, do you sir? Hm? Hm?

KLAXON SOUNDS