Solitary Confinement The Slammer

PRISON ALARM

# You've been found guilty

# Of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer

# Where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel Entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit

# To try and get released

# So go fetch the audience

# Bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act

# With a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands

# So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave

# The Slammer, leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

So, sir, this is our newly refurbished

solitary confinement cell.

Ah, the place we put our very worst acts... Hang on!

It looks exactly the same as it always did.

We've made a few subtle changes, sir,

to give it a somewhat bleaker atmosphere altogether.

What changes have we made, Mr Burgess?

Well, sir, take the paint, for example.

You may remember, we had this cheerful Moroccan Magnolia.

Yes. Well, we've gone away with that and we've gone with this

lovely sinister Estonian Eggshell, sir.

-Look at that, lovely.

-Sends a shiver down my spine.

I went caravanning in Estonia once.

I ate some kind of pasty that disagreed with me

on the very first night.

You may notice we've taken a few more springs out of the bed, sir.

Spent the next two weeks sat on a chemical toilet with

nothing for company but a Sudoku puzzle

and an industrial-sized can of air freshener.

And then, of course, there are all the usual refinements

to the security system, sir.

Sometimes I think on that fortnight as one of the happiest times

-of my life.

-Sir!

Sorry, Frank, I was miles away. You were saying?

Well, I was about to show you the new reinforced steel door.

Very good! What are they made of?

Reinforced steel, sir.

How novel! Which means exactly what?

Which means exactly, sir, that once that door is locked, there is

absolutely no way anybody can get out of this cell, sir.

-You know, Frank, I was just thinking.

-Hm.

Wouldn't it be awful

if, just say, you had left your keys

-outside.

-Oh, yeah!

-And that would mean you and me

would be stuck in here...forever!

-You and me, sir?

-Yes!

Just the two of us?

Forever, in this cell!

Stuck in here for ages?

THEY LAUGH

-Oh, dear!

-We're stuck in here forever, aren't we?

-Yes, we are, sir.

-It gets worse than that, Frank.

-How so, sir?

I've just had a pasty.

HE FARTS Help! Somebody let me out! Help!

-Never get a moment's peace in this place.

-Help!

Help! Help! Is there anybody out there?

It's no use, Mr Burgess.

No-one can hear us in here. Which is just as well...

-HE FARTS

-Better out than in.

Exactly, sir. But how are we going to get out of HERE, sir?

Simple, Frank, we'll phone for help!

That's brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?

Because I'm the one with the brains around here, Mr Burgess.

Which is why I'm the Governor and you're not.

Now, I trust you've brought your phone with you, Frank?

Well, actually, no, sir.

Prison policy states that officers must have their phones

switched off during working hours.

Mine is off and safely locked away in the locker, sir.

So it is up to me to save the day yet again.

Fortunately, I brought my phone with me.

Hello? Hello?

Oh, I don't believe it, Frank,

there's no reception in this cell!

Yes, you've mixed up your phone with fruit again, haven't you, sir?

Don't take that attitude with me.

Stranger things than that have happened in here over the years.

# Go to work

# Go to work

# The girl with yellow hair Has stayed in bed

# And never needed to go to work

# Go to work

# Go to work... #

And like all of the acts that come on The Slammer,

don't try this at home, will you? These are professionals.

So let's get this straight, we're stuck in solitary confinement.

There's absolutely no way of getting out and all we've got

for food is that single banana.

Yes, but we've got to wait until the time is right, sir.

It looks so appetising, Frank!

I know, sir, but you've got to be strong!

That banana might have to last us days...weeks...months...

-years, even, sir!

-You're right. You're right. Let it be.

-Oh, Frank...

-Sir?

-Would you mind looking out the window,

-see what the weather's doing?

-No, not at all, sir.

Hey! Don't you go near that! You leave that banana alone.

Oh, yeah, you're right, I'm sorry. I'll leave it alone, yeah.

Oh, dear.

-Oh. Oh, Mr Burgess.

-Sir?

-I think I heard scuttling.

Would you mind checking under the bed for cockroaches?

No, not at all, sir.

Get back! Stay away from that banana, sir!

-Oh, all right!

-Leave it, sir!

I know, I'm sorry! I don't know what came over me.

Don't worry, it won't happen again.

It's going to take a bit more than that to catch

old Francis Montgomery Burgess!

-Oh, look, it's Susan Boyle!

-Oooh, where?!

-Oh, no, you don't!

-Get off!

-Come away from that banana!

-No!

Come away from it!

How did you get to be so tricky?!

I've learnt from the best. Oh, mind me coccyx!

# A little less conversation A little more action, please

# All this aggravation

# Ain't satisfactioning me

# A little more bite And a little less bark

# A little less fight And a little more spark

# Close your mouth and open up your heart and, baby, satisfy me. #

HE LAUGHS SHE SCREAMS

Here we go!

Whoooooooa!

Obviously, don't try any of that at home yourself,

otherwise you might come a cropper.

There must be some kind of a way out of here, sir.

Wait! I've got it!

Have you thought of something, sir?

No, I've just managed to scratch an awkward itch.

I don't believe this.

-Ah! That's it!

-Yes, sir?

Scratch the other cheek now.

We're never getting out of here, are we, sir?

Ah, well, that's where you're wrong.

-You see that tiny window up there?

-Yes, sir.

I could squeeze myself through that window, then run and get help.

I don't think that's going to work somehow, sir.

Nonsense, Frank! Come on, give me a leg-up.

-But, sir...

-Come on, Frankie, here we go. Come on.

Heave-ho!

Well, with the greatest of respect, sir,

it's not one of your best ideas, was it?

We've had so many acts in The Slammer

who can do incredible things with their bodies...

I thought I could do the same myself.

Frank?

Eh?

That itch has come back.

# Don't, don't, don't Don't stop the beat

# I can't, can't, can't Control my feet

# Pe-pe-pe-people in the street

# Come on, everybody And move your feet

-# Don't stop

-Don't stop

# Don't stop the beat I can't stop

-# Can't stop

-Can't stop the beat

-# I won't stop

-Won't stop

# Won't stop the beat Go! #

Mmm, mmm...

Soon, my sweet. Soon...

Sir... Sir! If I may, sir...

I think I've found a way out of here, sir.

Pray do tell, Mr Burgess.

We dig a tunnel, sir!

We dig, dig, sir!

If my calculations are correct, we could be out of here in 12 years.

And we can use this toothpick, sir.

That's all very well, Mr Burgess,

but how are we going to pick our teeth with this?

You've already spotted a flaw in this plan.

I should have paid attention to all the escapologists

we've had in here over the years.

I think I might be stuck.

15 seconds gone, start the clock!

A bit of encouragement, boys and girls!

THEY CHEER

15 seconds left!

Ten, nine, eight, seven...

AUDIENCE: Six, five, four, three, two...

Just in time, everybody!

MUSIC: 2001 A SPACE ODYSSEY

So that's it, then, stuck in here forever.

Consigned to a life of boredom,

misery and a rapidly decaying ba... Oh, it's gone, sir!

Oh, please tell me you haven't, sir. Please tell me you haven't!

I'm afraid I can't tell you that, Mr Burgess.

But I know a man who can!

Say hello to...Professor Stuart.

I don't follow, sir.

He's the special friend I made to cheer you up.

I don't really think that was entirely necessary, sir.

Not at all, not at all. He wants to tell you a joke.

Hello, Mr Burgess. Tell me, Mr Burgess, yes,

why do all the ladies like me?

-I'm not playing along with this.

-I said, "Why do the ladies like me?"

All right. I don't know.

Because I've got A PEEL!

Don't you get it? How very funny, yes. A banana peel, you see.

A peel.

Oh, you are a one! "No, I'm a banana."

-No, you are a one! "No, I'm a banana."

-I don't get it.

Oh, Mr Grumpy Pumps! Yes.

Looks like he wants to split.

Yes, split, very good, Professor.

None of this is making any sense, sir!

Bananas can't even talk.

"Why don't you do a magic trick?" I'll do a magic trick.

Yes. "Do that one where you make me disappear."

-All right, I'll just peel...

-Oooh! Oh, no, you don't!

You're not eating Professor Stuart.

I'll look after you now, Mr Professor Stuart.

-You're away from the nasty, bad, bad man, aren't you?

-Charming(!)

I was only trying to entertain you.

Yes. Well, I've seen more entertaining acts

on the Freedom Show, thank you very much.

You're going to be safe with me now, little banana man.

HE HUMS LIKE A REMOTE CONTROL CAR

# Peter Piper picked peppers But Tab rocked rhymes

# One, two, three, four Several times

# Heavy rotation Played by every kind

# Radio stations blasting every mind Yes, y'all

# You know we never stop We never rest, y'all

# The Black Eyed Peas Are keeping it funky fresh, y'all

# And we won't stop Until we get y'all

# 'Till we y'all sayin'... #

Look! Check him out! Look at him!

Hey, hey, ho! Check me out! Come on!

-Hey!

-Yes!

-Yeah!

Yeah!

Here we go. Ho! Come on now!

LAUGHTER

# There's no other girl I would wait for

# But this one I'd break Any date for

# I won't have to ask what's she's late for

# She wouldn't leave me flat

# She's not a girl like that

# Oh, she's absolutely wonderful and marvellous and beautiful

# And anyone can understand why

# I'm leaning on a lamppost

# At the corner of the street

# In case a certain little lady passes by. #

I spy with my little eye,

-something beginning with... C.

-Cheryl Cole?

-No.

-Chris Evans?

-No. Clare Balding? No.

-Carol who does the weather on BBC Breakfast?

-No! No, no, no!

It's ceiling! It's always been ceiling.

It's been ceiling the last 23 times we done it!

Why would it be a celebrity?

It's not unheard of.

We've had a lot of famous people staying in this prison...

# When I lay it all out on the table

# Don't know what is stopping me

# From feeling like I might be able

# To enjoy my own company

# Sitting up by my window

# Watching the summer rain

# The world goes by in a minute

# Faster than I can keep up with today

# Everybody in the place say What now

# Your soul's feeling shut down Luck's out

# But you gotta carry on Speed it up now

# Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo

# Knockdown

# Everybody in the place say What now

# Your soul's feeling shut down Luck's out

# But you gotta carry on Speed it up now... #

Hey!

# You can't imagine the run of luck I've had

# None of it good, all of it bad

# It's been worse than Britney Spears

# Eh, come on!

-# Oh, look at me... #

-All together!

# Mr Unlucky... # Come on!

# Oh, my luck stinks

# They call me Jimmy Jinx... #

Here we go!

# They say, "Look at him"

# Unlucky Jim... #

Yeah!

# Yes, my heart sinks

# When they call me Jimmy Jinx... # Let me tell you something...

# Get up out the dark

# Open up your eyes

# You'll discover there's a world outside

# There's a world outside

-# To fix a broken heart

-To fix a broken heart

# You have to try

# Pick it up, pick it up

-# It's a beautiful life

-Beautiful life

# It's a beautiful life

# Beautiful life. #

Oh, what a disaster! This always happens when I try to act harder.

OK, so, hey, I was lying!

And my name is not K, it's Brian.

And I'm not in The Slammer for my rapping.

I'm in here for crimes against fashion.

In my opinion, they locked me up for next to nothing.

What's wrong with having trousers up past your belly button?

But I could be released if you like me.

Go back to my job at the library -

putting books in alphabetical order,

according to the names of the author.

I'm starting to feel a bit thirsty now, sir.

Not a problem, Mr Burgess.

-There you go.

-That's incredible.

We've been in here for hours, we haven't got access to a tap...

Relax!

I've been watching those survival programmes with Bear Grylls...

There's always a way of finding water,

no matter how extreme the circumstance is.

Well, you are a genius, sir. What did you do,

drill into the wall and extract the moisture from the minerals?

Not exactly. I just wrung all the sweat out from my armpits.

That is disgusting!

AUDIENCE: Sloppy, ploppy! Sloppy, ploppy!

Sloppy, ploppy! Sloppy, ploppy!

Sloppy, ploppy! Sloppy, ploppy!

Sloppy, ploppy! Sloppy, ploppy!

Sloppy, ploppy! Sloppy, ploppy!

45...

I can't believe we've been here that long, sir.

I know. 45 minutes!

I could have watched one-and-a-half episodes of The One Show

in that time.

We've got to get out of here, sir.

I can't take much more of this, sir! We've got to get out of here!

Pull yourself together, Frank!

You're scaring Professor Stuart.

Look, it's all right, I've seen this sort of thing before.

You're going through the five stages of incarceration.

What do you mean, sir?

Well, stage one, that's when hysteria sets in.

What do you mean hysteria? What are you talking about? What?!

What, what, what?

Swiftly followed by stage two - regret.

I'm so sorry, sir. I didn't mean to do that.

I hope you will be able to forgive me, sir.

Next comes stage three - denial.

I never touched you. Nobody saw me lay a finger on you.

Then stage four - acting like a chicken.

HE CLUCKS

And finally comes stage five,

where you stand, turn, face the wall

while the Governor eats the only bit of food we've got left in this cell.

Hold on a minute! You get back there.

-You made those last two up, didn't you?

-I'm sorry, Frank.

It's this cell, it does funny things to people.

You should see some of the solitary confinement acts we've had in here.

Phew!

# Rubber ball I come bouncing back to you

# Rubber ball I come bouncing back to you. #

Bouncy, bouncy.

# Bouncy, bouncy

# Bouncy, bouncy

# Bouncy, bouncy

# Bouncy, bouncy me... #

Bouncy, bouncy.

Do you like impressions?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Here's one for you.

"G'day there, Pete, you divvy."

AUDIENCE: Boo!

You know who that is! Come on...

That's Bob Morgan, you know, Bob the Scouser from number 41.

Here's another one for you.

"There's your change."

That's Alan from the shop.

Feeling any better, Mr Burgess?

Yes, sir, I am actually. I've...been doing a bit of thinking, sir.

You're not considering getting a new outside hat again, are you?

You know how I felt about the last one.

No, sir. No, I've...

Well, I've been thinking about life, sir, really, I suppose.

I mean, here we are,

thrown together by fate,

two men so very different,

yet so very alike, sir.

Maybe it was because as a child,

I never got the chance to taste the warm hug,

the tuck into bed, the fried food.

But if anything, sir, I'd say that this situation

has made us stronger, strengthened our relationship, sir,

brought us closer together.

Because our relationship is based on trust.

Maybe I don't say this often enough -

but I trust you, sir.

I trust you to do the right thing by me every time, sir.

-Sir?

-Sorry, I wasn't listening to a word you said,

I was busy eating the only food we've got in the cell.

No! Not Mr Stuart!

Professor Stuart. You've killed him, sir, you've killed him!

We do have a laugh in here, don't we, Frank?

Why?!

-# Body

-Wanna feel my body

-# Wanna feel my body, baby

-Such a thrill

# Such a thrill, my body Yeah, yeah

-# Wanna touch my body

-Wanna touch my body

# Check out my body

# Every man wants to be A macho, macho man

# To have the kind of body

# Always in demand

# Hey, hey

# Hey, hey, hey! #

Mr Burgess, are you going to do that all night?

Some of us are trying to get some sleep.

Sunshine and ponies and daffodils and lots of nice things...

All right, I've had enough of this, I'm out of here.

How did you do that, sir?

Mr Burgess, a question.

When you were trying the doors earlier on,

were you pulling or pushing?

Well, pulling, sir.

I mean, all the doors in The Slammer are pull doors.

Only from the outside.

-So, do you mean that one was...?

-Yes.

-And we could have actually...?

-Exactly.

And now you're going to...?

Spot on! Come here!

Now, don't be too hasty, sir.

We've had a lovely time reminiscing about all the happy days

-in The Slammer, sir.

-I suppose you're right.

And there's still time to think about some of the best acts of all.

Yeah.

But not before I've turned you into tomorrow's pie filling!

-Come here, you!

-Now, sir...

-Come here!

-Sir, don't be silly.

You can run, but you can't hide!

Don't ever try anything like that.

Remember, they're highly trained athletes.

# You have to show 'em that you're really not scared

# You're playing with your life This ain't no Truth or Dare

# They'll kick you Then they beat you

# Then they'll tell you it's fair So beat it

# But you wanna be bad

# So beat it, beat it

# Beat it, beat it

# No-one wants to be defeated. #

Rat, I'll get you! Come here!

THEY PANT

-All right?

-All right.

-Come on, let's go.

-Come on, you!

-Burgess...

-Now, sir...