So You Want to Be the Governor The Slammer

Congratulations on taking the first step to becoming

a world-class showbiz prison governor!

With my easy-to-follow exercises,

you'll soon be every bit as competent as I am

or your money back.

You won't get your money back cos I've spent it all on sweets.

How do I turn this off?

Is that...? I'll try that.

PRISON ALARM

# You've been found guilty

# Of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer

# Where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel Entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit

# To try and get released

# So go fetch the audience

# Bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act

# With a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands

-#

-Oh, how smashing!

-So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave

# The Slammer, leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Oh, hello there!

And welcome to my exclusive new training course -

So You Want To Be The Governor?

And do you? Of course you do!

Who wouldn't?!

I mean, just look at what this job has to offer!

Is that right?

What do you mean a bit wooden?

Must go now, Mumsy. Yes, this prison won't govern itself.

Yeah, yeah. Adieu.

# D-I-S-C-O

# D-I-S-C-O! #

Whoo!

# He's my little rubber ducky and I love him so! #

I tell ya, there's nothing like a bath -

perfect relaxation for a busy young professional like myself.

Scrub-a-dub-dub, prison officers!

And remember, I'll be checking in every corner.

-Four in a row, sir. There you go, I win again.

-Oh!

You've really got the hang of this, haven't you, Frank?

Well, that's 502 to me and, uh...

None to you, sir.

Out you come.

Yes! Yeeeees!

At last!

Must be nearly biccy time.

CLOCK CHIMES

Is that it?

Yeah.

THEY LAUGH DEVILISHLY

-Can you smell sausage rolls, Frank?

-Yes, sir, I can.

Oh, no! Gov's got disco fever!

Not again!

Today I'm going to show you all of the skills you need to be

a good governor, including stunning footage from my amazing career.

-MUFFLED LAUGH

-Yeah!

Make no mistake, this job requires both mental

and physical perfection - so let's start with the physical.

Get that out of the way.

And with a little Hollywood magic,

it's time to change into something more appropriate.

-Pardon?

-'Quiet, pl...!'

I know what you're thinking -

how did he get into that?

Well, plenty of practice and a half a pound of butter.

But if you want to beat the rest, you've got to look your best.

Which brings me to Rule Number 1 for being a successful governor -

always dress to impress!

# And you're always there

# To lend a hand

# In everything I do

# It's the wonder

# The wonder of you! #

# Beating... #

Face the fear.

And embrace the unknown.

We're here.

We're here.

We're here with no fear.

The fear, the fear.

The fear. The fear of the unknown!

# Aaaaah

# It's the way I'm feeling

# I just can't deny

# But I've got to let it go

# We fell in love in a hopeless place

# We fell in love in a hopeless place

# We fell in love in a hopeless place

# We fell in love in a hopeless place. #

'Action.'

Rule Number Two if you want to be the Governor - learn how to juggle.

One ball, two hands.

A bit trickier - one ball, one hand.

Trickier still - one ball, no hands.

Oh.

Haven't quite got the hang of that.

But there is a surprising amount of juggling involved

in being the Governor -

juggling paperwork, juggling workloads, and...

Juggling.

Here we go, a little juggle.

LAUGHTER

Ta-dah!

Whoa!

Ho!

Hip, hip, hip!

Jailers and jailbirds, don't ever try anything like that.

Remember, they're highly trained athletes.

# Dragonfly out in the sun

# You know what I mean Don't you know

# Butterflies all havin' fun

# You know what I mean

# Sleep in peace when day is done

# That's what I mean

# And this old world is a new world

# And a bold world

# For me

# For me. #

Come on! Keep going! Go for the burn! Go for the burn!

Only another three seconds to go.

Two... one...

Yes! A new personal record -

ten seconds without fainting.

Who's the Governor? I'm the Governor!

And if you want to be the Governor,

you'd better get on your bike and start pedalling,

you've got a lot to keep up with!

ELECTRONIC MUSIC

DISCO MUSIC

And like all of the acts that come on The Slammer,

don't try it at home - these are professionals.

It's good to vary your exercise regime. I like to follow

a healthy session on the exercise bike with a spot of weight training.

Wait...

Wait...

Wait...

I'm getting good at this.

Wait!

Weight training helps build tremendous strength of character.

Rule Number Four...

Wait, wait...

Rule Number Four if you want to be the Governor -

you'll need a strong character to deal with all the other

strong characters you'll find in this place.

Well, I think I'll file these under Slop Secret.

Eow! That feels bad!

All right, hold it, Rick.

Frank, I was wondering how long it would take

before you tracked me down.

I just followed your hilarious trail of fake dog poo.

What fake dog poo?

Buag!

Ack!

Oh, it's Mumford & Sons!

Hang on, I thought Mumford & Sons were a lot younger than that.

They are. You're not Mumford & Sons.

We were promised Mumford & Sons!

No! No, no, no. We're not Mumford & Sons.

We're Mumble and Son.

Well, why are you called that?

HE MUMBLES

-HE LAUGHS

-Exactly!

-You wanted to see us, sir?

-Yes, Frank. Lock the prison down.

-Eh?

Is someone trying to escape?

No, my sister's sending my nephew here for work experience.

He's the naughtiest kid I've ever met.

Hello, Uncle Governor!

HE SCREAMS

ALARM

It's a little bit over the top, isn't it, sir?

Thanks for cleaning my desk, Officer Ted.

-Officer Ted?!

-Has he got a problem? He repeats everything.

I've never heard anything like it.

I've never heard anything like it!

He's on work experience.

Work experience?!

See what I mean?

Ahem.

So I think you can see how I keep myself in peak physical

and spiritual and mental condition.

Now, allow me to introduce you to the jewel in my exercise regime.

I call this...Plop-sersize!

Simply take two fresh, steaming buckets of gorgeous,

sloppy, ploppy porridge.

And take the strain thus.

So, it's...

Sloppy! Ploppy!

Sloppy! Ploppy!

Sloppy! Ploppy!

And the great thing about working in The Slammer is,

there's always plenty of sloppy, ploppy porridge to go around.

I can't get enough of it. I'm going to have me some right now!

I love it! I love it!

Your act was weak and sloppy, so for you, it's...

AUDIENCE: Plop, plop, plop, plop!

Yes! How many buckets? Yeah, both buckets.

Come on! Yes!

ALL: Sloppy! Ploppy!

Sloppy! Ploppy!

Sloppy! Ploppy!

# All by myself

# Any more

# All by myself

# Don't want to live

# All by myself

# Any more

# All by myself... #

ALL: Sloppy! Ploppy!

There's nothing like a bit of sloppy, ploppy porridge

in a Freedom Show to get you going.

I love it!

Ploppy, sloppy...

But as I said before, being the Governor requires both physical

and mental skills, so it's time to show you my mental side.

Over to you, Ted.

'Lights, cam...'

Thanks, Ted.

Rule Number Five if you want to be the Governor -

learn how to make difficult decisions.

Which prisoners get to star in this weeks' Freedom Show?

How much sloppy ploppy porridge should I order in?

Should I have ginger snaps or chocolate digestives

with my mid-morning cuppa?

Trick question. I have both.

As Governor, I have developed some highly sophisticated

techniques for making difficult choices.

Keep practising,

and soon everyone will be seen as a calm head in a crisis,

which is handy in a job like this with so many crisises-es.

Crisees. Crisuses.

With one crisis after another.

Well, I might as well check the acts for the Freedom Show.

Well, have a look at the poster, I'm busy at the moment.

Yeah(!)

Would you look at that, sir?!

-What is it?

-Graffiti, sir.

-I think it's supposed to be you.

-How can you tell?

Well, the give away, sir...

-Oh, this is terrible, Frank!

-It certainly is, sir,

they've missed out one of your chins.

Hold it, sir! Hold it, hold it.

A very important message to convey to the audience, sir.

Well, all right, but this had better not be

another example of bad behaviour.

Not at all, sir. Got the message right here, sir.

-Hey, hey!

-Got the message right here.

AUDIENCE YELLS

-Stop that, stop that, stop that!

-What? What?

-Don't do it!

Mr Burgess, what are you doing?!

Well, I'm spreading yoghurt all over the computer.

Why?

Well, I've already done the house plants.

-Ah!

-Don't worry, though, sir,

I've got enough yoghurt here to do your shoes.

Fraaaaaank!

Yeah!

GLASS BREAKING

HE SCREAMS

GLASS BREAKING

Ho-ho-ho! Hello, boys and girls!

It's me! No, do not adjust your sets,

I'm not Father Christmas, although I am popular with children,

I'm quite jolly and I'm perfectly capable of eating 10,000 mince pies

in a single evening.

But if I'm not Father Christmas, why am I dressed like him?

Well, it's simple.

It's to remind myself of Rule Number Six if you want to be

the Governor - always keep a little bit of magic in your life.

Then there'll always be a little bit of magic in The Slammer!

Rudolph! Not here.

Welcome to my cosy little study.

You know, just because you work in a prison is no reason to

turn your back on culture,

which is why I've written this very long

and moving poem about my life,

which I would like to resuscitata-ta-tate

for you now. Ahem. Thank you.

Oh, when I was a little boy

I was my mother's pride and joy

I used to walk along the streets

And people did say, "He's got big feet"

'They'd send me down into the shops

-'Sometimes I'd go in little hops...'

-Ugh!

'..bottles I would swig

'And they'd say 'He really is a greedy pig.'

Well,

thank you so much for letting me share that with you.

You know, music and poetry are very important to me.

Shakespeare once said,

"If music be the food of love, play on."

As I don't like wasting grub,

Rule Number Seven if you want to be the Governor is -

always face the music!

# I'm seeing

# Through your lying eyes

# And I know what's on your mind! #

# They call me Willy

# Stay so cool I'm chilly

# I done made that milli

# On my way to that billi

# Used to have a piggy bank

# But now I got that bigger bank

# Who cares what the haters think

# They hatin' on me cos I'm doin' what they can't

# I stay on that hustle

# I flex that mental muscle

# Hate to bust your bubble

# I'm on that other level

# I'mma take it higher

# And high, high and higher

# I stay in fly attire

# Keep burnin' like that fire! #

# I like to move it, move it

# I like to move it, move it

# I like to move it, move it

-# I like to

-Move it

# I like to move it, move it

# I like to move it, move it

# I like to move it, move it

-# Yeah, I like to

-Move it! #

HE BEATBOXES

SWING MUSIC

# If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe

# I'd been married long time ago

# Where did you come from Where did you go

# Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe

# If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe

# I'd been married long time ago

# Where did you come from where did you go

# Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe? #

Here we go!

There's a very important part of being the Governor that

I haven't mentioned yet, and that is, of course, your staff.

I mean, what's the point of being in charge

if there's nobody to boss about!

But seriously, where would I be without Mr Burgess on hand

to shout at everybody, or Miss Meadows with yet another

of her bright ideas to liven the place up?

Probably a good deal calmer, saner and with considerably less earache.

But it wouldn't be half as much fun.

Which is why the final, and most important rule

if you want to be the Governor is -

Remember, you're not alone!

Number one and number two.

-There you go.

-I'm going to need more than that.

Oh, no, any more than two sheets a day has to go through the office,

-Miss Meadows.

-But, but...

-Go in there!

-Ha!

-Shoot!

-Look, just one doughnut left. For me.

-Sorry, sir, you can't have this.

It's faulty, full of holes. I'll give it to Pablo, he won't mind.

Well, sir, I bet you dough-not like that, do you, sir? Mm? Mm?

-I'm glad you're happy here, Pat.

-Thanks, Mum.

You don't mind not being in charge?

Give me a year.

MOTHER LAUGHS

Oh, that's my girl!

Well done!

You've almost reached the end of this intensive course,

and you now know as much as me about being

the Governor of The Slammer.

Don't worry if you haven't mastered every little detail,

I haven't, and I certainly seem to muddle through somehow!

'Not kidding.'

Anyway, I've only one secret little move left to show you -

it's this one!

And reach, two, three. Pull, two, three.

Push, two, three. Pull, two, three.

Push, two, three. Pull, two, three.

What have I shown you? Why, the correct way to pull

the Showtime lever of course!

Because at the end of the day, that's what it's all about -

that moment where pull that lever

and look divine.

It's Showtime!

It is...Showtime!

Well, then, what a feeling.

# Bein's believin'

# I can have it all

# Now I'm dancin' for my life

# Take your passion

# And make it happen! #

It's Showtime!

# You can dance right through

# Your life! #

It's Showtime!

So, there you have it, from acrobats to balloon modellers,

from clowns to dolphin impersonators,

you now know everything you need to know about being a governor.

But the truth is,

the most important part about being a governor can't be taught.

It's here. Right here.

Without this, I wouldn't be half the Governor I am today.

Colin, my lucky jelly bean.

Every governor should have one.

Not this one, he's taken.

And why is he my lucky jelly bean?

Well, let me tell you a little story...

It was my first day as Governor at The Slammer,

and as I made my way into the office for the first time, I tripped

on a discarded toilet brush and got my foot wedged in a dustbin.

Disorientated, I tripped over the bookcase,

allowing a jar of marbles,

confiscated from Marblellous Maureen,

to roll across the floor like deadly gobstoppers.

Skidding on the marbles, I found myself head-butting the desk,

which made the drawers spring open to collide with my leg.

I hopped around the room in agony until I slammed face

first into a novelty cactus and fell to the floor,

where, spitting spines from my lips like a portly porcupine,

in my moment of despair,

I spied, hidden under the rug, a jelly bean, this jelly bean.

And I thought to myself, "Governor, this is your lucky day!"

And if you follow my instructions, who knows, one day it could be you

slipping over a toilet brush as you make your way

into the Governor's office.

Thanks for watching,

I hope you've enjoyed learning the tricks and skills of my trade!

So, you want to be the Governor?

Keep up the hard work and maybe one day you will be!

Who's the Governor? I'm the Governor.

Yeah, I like the sound of that!