So You Want to Be the Governor The Slammer


So You Want to Be the Governor

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Transcript


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Congratulations on taking the first step to becoming

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a world-class showbiz prison governor!

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With my easy-to-follow exercises,

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you'll soon be every bit as competent as I am

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or your money back.

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You won't get your money back cos I've spent it all on sweets.

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How do I turn this off?

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Is that...? I'll try that.

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PRISON ALARM

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# You've been found guilty

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# Of a howling showbiz crime

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# So welcome to The Slammer

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# Where you're gonna serve your time

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# With every type of minstrel Entertainer and artiste

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# Performing to the limit

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# To try and get released

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# So go fetch the audience

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# Bring them to The Slammer

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# And polish up your act

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# With a bit of glitz and glamour

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# Your fate is in their hands

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-#

-Oh, how smashing!

-So make them cheer and clamour

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave

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# The Slammer, leave The Slammer

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

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Oh, hello there!

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And welcome to my exclusive new training course -

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So You Want To Be The Governor?

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And do you? Of course you do!

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Who wouldn't?!

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I mean, just look at what this job has to offer!

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Is that right?

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What do you mean a bit wooden?

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Must go now, Mumsy. Yes, this prison won't govern itself.

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Yeah, yeah. Adieu.

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# D-I-S-C-O

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# D-I-S-C-O! #

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Whoo!

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# He's my little rubber ducky and I love him so! #

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I tell ya, there's nothing like a bath -

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perfect relaxation for a busy young professional like myself.

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Scrub-a-dub-dub, prison officers!

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And remember, I'll be checking in every corner.

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-Four in a row, sir. There you go, I win again.

-Oh!

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You've really got the hang of this, haven't you, Frank?

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Well, that's 502 to me and, uh...

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None to you, sir.

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Out you come.

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Yes! Yeeeees!

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At last!

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Must be nearly biccy time.

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CLOCK CHIMES

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Is that it?

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Yeah.

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THEY LAUGH DEVILISHLY

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-Can you smell sausage rolls, Frank?

-Yes, sir, I can.

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Oh, no! Gov's got disco fever!

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Not again!

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Today I'm going to show you all of the skills you need to be

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a good governor, including stunning footage from my amazing career.

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-MUFFLED LAUGH

-Yeah!

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Make no mistake, this job requires both mental

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and physical perfection - so let's start with the physical.

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Get that out of the way.

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And with a little Hollywood magic,

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it's time to change into something more appropriate.

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-Pardon?

-'Quiet, pl...!'

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I know what you're thinking -

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how did he get into that?

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Well, plenty of practice and a half a pound of butter.

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But if you want to beat the rest, you've got to look your best.

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Which brings me to Rule Number 1 for being a successful governor -

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always dress to impress!

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# And you're always there

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# To lend a hand

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# In everything I do

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# It's the wonder

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# The wonder of you! #

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# Beating... #

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Face the fear.

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And embrace the unknown.

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We're here.

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We're here.

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We're here with no fear.

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The fear, the fear.

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The fear. The fear of the unknown!

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# Aaaaah

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# It's the way I'm feeling

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# I just can't deny

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# But I've got to let it go

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# We fell in love in a hopeless place

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# We fell in love in a hopeless place

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# We fell in love in a hopeless place

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# We fell in love in a hopeless place. #

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'Action.'

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Rule Number Two if you want to be the Governor - learn how to juggle.

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One ball, two hands.

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A bit trickier - one ball, one hand.

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Trickier still - one ball, no hands.

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Oh.

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Haven't quite got the hang of that.

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But there is a surprising amount of juggling involved

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in being the Governor -

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juggling paperwork, juggling workloads, and...

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Juggling.

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Here we go, a little juggle.

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LAUGHTER

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Ta-dah!

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Whoa!

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Ho!

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Hip, hip, hip!

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Jailers and jailbirds, don't ever try anything like that.

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Remember, they're highly trained athletes.

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# Dragonfly out in the sun

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# You know what I mean Don't you know

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# Butterflies all havin' fun

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# You know what I mean

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# Sleep in peace when day is done

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# That's what I mean

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# And this old world is a new world

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# And a bold world

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# For me

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# For me. #

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Come on! Keep going! Go for the burn! Go for the burn!

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Only another three seconds to go.

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Two... one...

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Yes! A new personal record -

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ten seconds without fainting.

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Who's the Governor? I'm the Governor!

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And if you want to be the Governor,

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you'd better get on your bike and start pedalling,

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you've got a lot to keep up with!

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ELECTRONIC MUSIC

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DISCO MUSIC

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And like all of the acts that come on The Slammer,

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don't try it at home - these are professionals.

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It's good to vary your exercise regime. I like to follow

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a healthy session on the exercise bike with a spot of weight training.

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Wait...

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Wait...

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Wait...

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I'm getting good at this.

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Wait!

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Weight training helps build tremendous strength of character.

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Rule Number Four...

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Wait, wait...

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Rule Number Four if you want to be the Governor -

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you'll need a strong character to deal with all the other

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strong characters you'll find in this place.

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Well, I think I'll file these under Slop Secret.

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Eow! That feels bad!

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All right, hold it, Rick.

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Frank, I was wondering how long it would take

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before you tracked me down.

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I just followed your hilarious trail of fake dog poo.

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What fake dog poo?

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Buag!

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Ack!

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Oh, it's Mumford & Sons!

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Hang on, I thought Mumford & Sons were a lot younger than that.

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They are. You're not Mumford & Sons.

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We were promised Mumford & Sons!

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No! No, no, no. We're not Mumford & Sons.

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We're Mumble and Son.

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Well, why are you called that?

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HE MUMBLES

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-HE LAUGHS

-Exactly!

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-You wanted to see us, sir?

-Yes, Frank. Lock the prison down.

-Eh?

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Is someone trying to escape?

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No, my sister's sending my nephew here for work experience.

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He's the naughtiest kid I've ever met.

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Hello, Uncle Governor!

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HE SCREAMS

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ALARM

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It's a little bit over the top, isn't it, sir?

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Thanks for cleaning my desk, Officer Ted.

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-Officer Ted?!

-Has he got a problem? He repeats everything.

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I've never heard anything like it.

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I've never heard anything like it!

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He's on work experience.

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Work experience?!

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See what I mean?

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Ahem.

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So I think you can see how I keep myself in peak physical

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and spiritual and mental condition.

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Now, allow me to introduce you to the jewel in my exercise regime.

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I call this...Plop-sersize!

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Simply take two fresh, steaming buckets of gorgeous,

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sloppy, ploppy porridge.

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And take the strain thus.

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So, it's...

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Sloppy! Ploppy!

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Sloppy! Ploppy!

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Sloppy! Ploppy!

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And the great thing about working in The Slammer is,

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there's always plenty of sloppy, ploppy porridge to go around.

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I can't get enough of it. I'm going to have me some right now!

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I love it! I love it!

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Your act was weak and sloppy, so for you, it's...

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AUDIENCE: Plop, plop, plop, plop!

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Yes! How many buckets? Yeah, both buckets.

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Come on! Yes!

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ALL: Sloppy! Ploppy!

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Sloppy! Ploppy!

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Sloppy! Ploppy!

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# All by myself

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# Any more

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# All by myself

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# Don't want to live

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# All by myself

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# Any more

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# All by myself... #

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ALL: Sloppy! Ploppy!

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There's nothing like a bit of sloppy, ploppy porridge

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in a Freedom Show to get you going.

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I love it!

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Ploppy, sloppy...

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But as I said before, being the Governor requires both physical

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and mental skills, so it's time to show you my mental side.

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Over to you, Ted.

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'Lights, cam...'

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Thanks, Ted.

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Rule Number Five if you want to be the Governor -

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learn how to make difficult decisions.

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Which prisoners get to star in this weeks' Freedom Show?

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How much sloppy ploppy porridge should I order in?

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Should I have ginger snaps or chocolate digestives

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with my mid-morning cuppa?

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Trick question. I have both.

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As Governor, I have developed some highly sophisticated

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techniques for making difficult choices.

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Keep practising,

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and soon everyone will be seen as a calm head in a crisis,

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which is handy in a job like this with so many crisises-es.

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Crisees. Crisuses.

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With one crisis after another.

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Well, I might as well check the acts for the Freedom Show.

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Well, have a look at the poster, I'm busy at the moment.

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Yeah(!)

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Would you look at that, sir?!

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-What is it?

-Graffiti, sir.

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-I think it's supposed to be you.

-How can you tell?

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Well, the give away, sir...

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-Oh, this is terrible, Frank!

-It certainly is, sir,

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they've missed out one of your chins.

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Hold it, sir! Hold it, hold it.

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A very important message to convey to the audience, sir.

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Well, all right, but this had better not be

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another example of bad behaviour.

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Not at all, sir. Got the message right here, sir.

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-Hey, hey!

-Got the message right here.

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AUDIENCE YELLS

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-Stop that, stop that, stop that!

-What? What?

-Don't do it!

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Mr Burgess, what are you doing?!

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Well, I'm spreading yoghurt all over the computer.

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Why?

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Well, I've already done the house plants.

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-Ah!

-Don't worry, though, sir,

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I've got enough yoghurt here to do your shoes.

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Fraaaaaank!

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Yeah!

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GLASS BREAKING

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HE SCREAMS

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GLASS BREAKING

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Ho-ho-ho! Hello, boys and girls!

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It's me! No, do not adjust your sets,

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I'm not Father Christmas, although I am popular with children,

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I'm quite jolly and I'm perfectly capable of eating 10,000 mince pies

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in a single evening.

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But if I'm not Father Christmas, why am I dressed like him?

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Well, it's simple.

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It's to remind myself of Rule Number Six if you want to be

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the Governor - always keep a little bit of magic in your life.

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Then there'll always be a little bit of magic in The Slammer!

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Rudolph! Not here.

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Welcome to my cosy little study.

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You know, just because you work in a prison is no reason to

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turn your back on culture,

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which is why I've written this very long

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and moving poem about my life,

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which I would like to resuscitata-ta-tate

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for you now. Ahem. Thank you.

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Oh, when I was a little boy

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I was my mother's pride and joy

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I used to walk along the streets

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And people did say, "He's got big feet"

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'They'd send me down into the shops

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-'Sometimes I'd go in little hops...'

-Ugh!

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'..bottles I would swig

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'And they'd say 'He really is a greedy pig.'

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Well,

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thank you so much for letting me share that with you.

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You know, music and poetry are very important to me.

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Shakespeare once said,

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"If music be the food of love, play on."

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As I don't like wasting grub,

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Rule Number Seven if you want to be the Governor is -

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always face the music!

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# I'm seeing

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# Through your lying eyes

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# And I know what's on your mind! #

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# They call me Willy

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# Stay so cool I'm chilly

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# I done made that milli

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# On my way to that billi

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# Used to have a piggy bank

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# But now I got that bigger bank

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# Who cares what the haters think

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# They hatin' on me cos I'm doin' what they can't

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# I stay on that hustle

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# I flex that mental muscle

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# Hate to bust your bubble

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# I'm on that other level

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# I'mma take it higher

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# And high, high and higher

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# I stay in fly attire

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# Keep burnin' like that fire! #

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# I like to move it, move it

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# I like to move it, move it

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# I like to move it, move it

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-# I like to

-Move it

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# I like to move it, move it

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# I like to move it, move it

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# I like to move it, move it

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-# Yeah, I like to

-Move it! #

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HE BEATBOXES

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SWING MUSIC

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# If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe

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# I'd been married long time ago

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# Where did you come from Where did you go

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# Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe

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# If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe

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# I'd been married long time ago

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# Where did you come from where did you go

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# Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe? #

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Here we go!

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There's a very important part of being the Governor that

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I haven't mentioned yet, and that is, of course, your staff.

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I mean, what's the point of being in charge

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if there's nobody to boss about!

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But seriously, where would I be without Mr Burgess on hand

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to shout at everybody, or Miss Meadows with yet another

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of her bright ideas to liven the place up?

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Probably a good deal calmer, saner and with considerably less earache.

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But it wouldn't be half as much fun.

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Which is why the final, and most important rule

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if you want to be the Governor is -

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Remember, you're not alone!

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Number one and number two.

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-There you go.

-I'm going to need more than that.

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Oh, no, any more than two sheets a day has to go through the office,

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-Miss Meadows.

-But, but...

-Go in there!

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-Ha!

-Shoot!

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-Look, just one doughnut left. For me.

-Sorry, sir, you can't have this.

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It's faulty, full of holes. I'll give it to Pablo, he won't mind.

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Well, sir, I bet you dough-not like that, do you, sir? Mm? Mm?

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-I'm glad you're happy here, Pat.

-Thanks, Mum.

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You don't mind not being in charge?

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Give me a year.

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MOTHER LAUGHS

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Oh, that's my girl!

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Well done!

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You've almost reached the end of this intensive course,

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and you now know as much as me about being

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the Governor of The Slammer.

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Don't worry if you haven't mastered every little detail,

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I haven't, and I certainly seem to muddle through somehow!

0:24:150:24:18

'Not kidding.'

0:24:180:24:19

Anyway, I've only one secret little move left to show you -

0:24:210:24:24

it's this one!

0:24:240:24:25

And reach, two, three. Pull, two, three.

0:24:250:24:28

Push, two, three. Pull, two, three.

0:24:280:24:30

Push, two, three. Pull, two, three.

0:24:300:24:32

What have I shown you? Why, the correct way to pull

0:24:320:24:35

the Showtime lever of course!

0:24:350:24:37

Because at the end of the day, that's what it's all about -

0:24:370:24:39

that moment where pull that lever

0:24:390:24:42

and look divine.

0:24:420:24:43

It's Showtime!

0:24:430:24:45

It is...Showtime!

0:24:470:24:49

Well, then, what a feeling.

0:24:520:24:54

# Bein's believin'

0:24:560:24:59

# I can have it all

0:25:000:25:02

# Now I'm dancin' for my life

0:25:020:25:08

# Take your passion

0:25:080:25:10

# And make it happen! #

0:25:110:25:14

It's Showtime!

0:25:160:25:18

# You can dance right through

0:25:180:25:20

# Your life! #

0:25:200:25:24

It's Showtime!

0:25:310:25:32

So, there you have it, from acrobats to balloon modellers,

0:25:390:25:43

from clowns to dolphin impersonators,

0:25:430:25:45

you now know everything you need to know about being a governor.

0:25:450:25:49

But the truth is,

0:25:490:25:50

the most important part about being a governor can't be taught.

0:25:500:25:54

It's here. Right here.

0:25:540:25:58

Without this, I wouldn't be half the Governor I am today.

0:25:580:26:02

Colin, my lucky jelly bean.

0:26:030:26:06

Every governor should have one.

0:26:060:26:09

Not this one, he's taken.

0:26:090:26:11

And why is he my lucky jelly bean?

0:26:110:26:13

Well, let me tell you a little story...

0:26:130:26:15

It was my first day as Governor at The Slammer,

0:26:150:26:18

and as I made my way into the office for the first time, I tripped

0:26:180:26:21

on a discarded toilet brush and got my foot wedged in a dustbin.

0:26:210:26:25

Disorientated, I tripped over the bookcase,

0:26:250:26:28

allowing a jar of marbles,

0:26:280:26:29

confiscated from Marblellous Maureen,

0:26:290:26:32

to roll across the floor like deadly gobstoppers.

0:26:320:26:34

Skidding on the marbles, I found myself head-butting the desk,

0:26:340:26:37

which made the drawers spring open to collide with my leg.

0:26:370:26:40

I hopped around the room in agony until I slammed face

0:26:400:26:42

first into a novelty cactus and fell to the floor,

0:26:420:26:46

where, spitting spines from my lips like a portly porcupine,

0:26:460:26:50

in my moment of despair,

0:26:500:26:51

I spied, hidden under the rug, a jelly bean, this jelly bean.

0:26:510:26:56

And I thought to myself, "Governor, this is your lucky day!"

0:26:560:27:01

And if you follow my instructions, who knows, one day it could be you

0:27:020:27:06

slipping over a toilet brush as you make your way

0:27:060:27:09

into the Governor's office.

0:27:090:27:11

Thanks for watching,

0:27:110:27:13

I hope you've enjoyed learning the tricks and skills of my trade!

0:27:130:27:16

So, you want to be the Governor?

0:27:160:27:18

Keep up the hard work and maybe one day you will be!

0:27:180:27:21

Who's the Governor? I'm the Governor.

0:27:230:27:25

Yeah, I like the sound of that!

0:27:250:27:27

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