Slammer Staff Spectacular The Slammer

Dear Diary,

I hope you are well. I am...

..adequate. Yes.

The athlete's foot seems to have cleared up, so no more flaky skin.

Smiley face.

This week's Freedom Show was full of humiliation...

LOUD CACKLING

..dramatic revelation.

If you want carrots, I've got them.

..and far too much larking about.

This is how it all went down.

Oh.

Ah.

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour

# Cos it's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

# My little rubber ducky and I love him so. #

I tell you, there's nothing like a bath.

Perfect relaxation for a busy, young professional like myself.

You should try one, Frank.

Get rid of some of those frown lines of yours.

-Frank? Frank!

-What?

Sorry, sir. Just thinking about the inmates.

Gov! The prisoners have locked themselves in

and are refusing to perform in this week's Freedom Show!

They've gone lazy.

What?!

Crazy, more like. You've gone soft on them.

What they need is a good talking-to from someone with presence,

authority...and well-kept hair. Sir!

Oh, I didn't realise it was a Jacuzzi, sir!

BUBBLES GURGLE

It's not.

All right, come on, B-Wing. Show a leg.

Come on, you lazy lot!

What's this I hear about you not wanting to perform

in today's Freedom Show?

Oh, I see.

It's the old silent treatment, is it?

Well, two can play at that game.

WESTERN STAND-OFF MUSIC

LOUD FART

GIGGLING

Tough nuts, eh? Right.

200 facial exercises, everybody, at the double!

Number 14, shock!

Number 11, trapped wind.

Number 13, indigestion.

Come on, everyone, this is fun! Join in.

Number 19, happy ever after.

PRISONERS YELL ANGRILY

-Mutiny in the ranks, sir, mutiny in the ranks.

-Dear, oh, dear.

This is worse than I thought.

We can't run the Freedom Show with no performers.

What are we going to do? What are we going to do?!

Now pay attention, gang.

We've got an emergency on our hands.

We've got no acts for the Freedom Show,

the audience are already on their way!

-Has anyone got any bright ideas?

-Yes, Gov, actually, I do!

Basically, it's a mix between a shoe and a candle.

So, wherever you walk, you'll always be able to see.

I'm calling it Light Feet.

Thank you, Corporal Clot. I meant ideas for the Freedom Show!

Well, what I suggest, sir, is we smash down their cell doors,

drag them out by the scruffs of their necks and shout at them

till the cows come home.

COWS MOO

It's no good, Frank. The cows came home hours ago.

I know! Surely some of us have got the odd party trick or two...

Why don't we do the show ourselves?

It'll be our Slammer Staff Spectacular!

Oh, dear, oh, dear. MEN LAUGH

-That's a very good idea, Meadows.

-I thought so, sir, yeah.

You might be on to something there.

Let's see if any of us have any hidden talents.

BUZZER

BUZZER

BUZZER

No, no, it's too late. The show's about to start.

We'll have to work this out as we go along.

-How do I look?

-ALL: Divine, sir.

Thank you very much. In that case...

It's show time.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

At least, that's normally the case, but today,

due to a technical issue, there are no performing prisoners.

Awkward.

It's the Governor!

CHEERING

-Who's the Governor?

-AUDIENCE:

-You're the Governor!

Jailers and jailbirds, it's great to see you for another Freedom Show.

A bit different, the Freedom Show.

Today, jailer and jailbirds,

all the acts that you are to see are in fact performing prison officers.

We've given all the prisoners the day off

cos we work them very hard.

The prison officers are going to be performing.

Marvellous, that, isn't it? Is that good news? Yeah, yeah.

Cos we've got some great acts, you know.

Oh, some of them are really, really...

And some of them are, well, there's one, is... Like that!

And another one is like...

Yeah, and we're going to be starting the show any minute now.

Any minute now.

Any second now.

Meadows, Meadows, is there any sign of the first act? Over!

The first act's over? How did you manage that?

I haven't sent anyone down yet!

It's walkie-talkie speak!

When I finish talking, you say over. Over!

Oh, I see! Thanks, Gov. Over.

Right, officers, who's up first?

Come on, someone must have a special party trick or something. Anyone?

-Does being good at flips count?

-It absolutely does.

And thanks for volunteering to be the first act.

You're going to be brilliant!

Act One is on its way, sir. Over!

Oh, thanks heaven for that.

Right, jailers and jailbirds,

it's time for your first performing prison officer act and it's...

some performing prison officers!

MUSIC: "More Than You" by Koven

# Now I'm breathing more than air

# In this fire I've found

# The hidden crown

# On the head of someone true

# And now I see, he's more than you

# More than you... #

Wow!

Well, there's the prisoners officers and now I know they're called 3run.

Hey, jailers and jailbirds,

don't you go trying any of that leaping around and things.

They're highly trained, you're not. Don't try it.

But will they be free-running out of The Slammer?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Well, officers Wilson and Taplow there, forming 3run.

The big gag there being there's only two of them, I suppose.

-What did you make of it, Miss?

-I thought it was totally amazing

and the acts that they did were incredible.

-Are you talking about the acrobatics?

-Yes.

-Yes.

What did you think of that act?

I thought that act was absolutely amazing. It was fabulous.

So, to sum it up, I would say it was skill-o-licious.

-Skill-o-licious? Would you say urban, crucial?

-Yeah.

-Wicked?

Definitely.

For one final word, sum that act up for me, sir.

Skilful-istic.

Skilful-istic, sir.

I'll have you, lad.

Can anyone sing? Or rap? Or maybe someone knows a magic trick?

I know a few, I think.

The audience are going to love you.

Act Two is on its way, Gov,

and he's going to have the audience in amazement. Over.

-OVER RADIO:

-Can't wait.

Right, our next performing prison officer act is...

another performing prison officer!

CHEERING

-Hello everyone. Are we all right?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah.

-Are you sure you're all right?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Fantastic. Well, not only am I a prison officer,

I'm a little bit of an inventor. Would you like to see

-some of my inventions?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Now you seem pretty noisy. Are you all very, very noisy?

AUDIENCE: YEAH!

Don't do that. Now, what we're going to... Sorry about that.

It's all right, I'll hold it. Now the - oh, ow!

Stop it!

Right, we do have one or two inventions that I'd like

to show you. All right, would you like to see them?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Fantastic. Well, I think we need a little bit of music.

Can we have a little music? Perfect.

Right, are you ready for this? Let's give it a go. Now.

Watch this, this is great!

Straight in there. Ready?

Now, oh, that's me head. Right, ready?

One, two, three.

Ow, ow, ow.

That hurts.

Ahh!

Ow, ow, ow.

Right, forget that.

Ow, ow, ow. That's... Don't do that.

That was silly.

-Shall we do a little bit of danger?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah.

-I said who wants some danger?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Right, don't try this at home...

try it at your friend's house. OK.

Try it in their home.

Now, just a little bit of...

It's all right. Put that out.

OK. Now, oh!

We've got a fish, OK. Never mind.

Can I ask you all to help me with something? Will you help me?

Right, what I need you to do, put your arm forward like this

and just have a look at it. Check it out, make sure it's real. Yeah?

Are you sure that's real?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

OK, this is a real arm.

Isn't that impressive?

Who thinks that is an amazing arm?

What's this? This is amazing!

Straight in there. Is that impressive?

AUDIENCE: No.

No? OK, watch. What about that?

No? All right. Right, on the count of three, I want you all to blow.

One, two, three, blow!

Does nothing but you all feel involved.

Right, in there. Let's do this. Are you ready? So...

We're going to go, one...

Do you want me to do it?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

OK. Two... Three!

Owww!

Oh, that hurts, that really hurts.

OK, should we do another one?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

OK, ready, one, two, three..

Straight in there. Now, we pull that up like that...

OK, just like that.

Do you want to see inside the box at the bottom? For the non-believers...

Ow!

OK, right. Now we pull that out like that.

Check this out. It's still a real arm!

CHEERING

Come on, ladies and gentlemen.

Give Jezzo a big round of applause, please. Thank you.

Well, magic there from prison officer Jezzo,

but will he being saying abracadabra or wishing he'd disappear?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Yes, Officer Jezzo there with his magic.

I know one thing he's good at with magic

and that's disappearing five minutes before his shift finishes. Sir!

I thought the act was hilarious, especially when the chair

kept bouncing up when he tried to sit on it.

-So you've been impressed with him?

-Yeah.

Would you put him top of the bill at the London Palladium?

-Probably not.

-No, I wouldn't either, sir. Thank you.

What did you think of Jezzo the Magician?

That was so awesome, all the ways he did that.

-All of it, I enjoyed all of it.

-Awesome?

-Yeah, awesome!

-Whoa, that's pretty emphatic, sir.

-Right.

One final word to sum up Officer Jezzo's act. Sir?

Fabulous!

Fabulous!

Now for that dreaded section of the show that we call...

Solitary Confinement.

Now, as this is a Staff Spectacular,

we've chosen a prison officer who works in Solitary Confinement.

And as ever, they get a nice little treat

and the treat this week is, if they do well and get the thumbs up,

they get a ride in Coco the Clown's car.

His old jalopy, you know, where the doors fall off and it's hilarious.

If they don't do well, though,

-they still get the cruel and unusual punishment, Mr Burgess?

-Sir!

What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today, sir, it's the old sack and porridge routine, sir.

Ooh, stuffed in a sack and covered in sloppy ploppy porridge!

Nobody wants that, do they?

I do! First of all, we need a judge.

Mr Burgess? Somebody with wisdom?

Who would like to be my judge today?

-What about you, sir?

-Yes.

-Right.

Give him a round of applause, please, the judge.

What's your name, young man?

-Ethan.

-Ethan. The wig of wisdom.

-The wig of justice.

-Justice, there it is.

Right, on we go with our special performing prison officer act

that we call Joyless Laughing Girl.

Come on, here we go.

I am the Joyless Laughing Girl and I have perfected

the art of laughing whilst looking as joyless as humanly possible.

It is an art that has taken years to prepare, so prepare to be amazed.

SHE CACKLES

SHE CACKLES

Give her a round of something, what do you think?

-AUDIENCE BOOS

-Oh, booing.

All right, Judge Ethan, remember thumbs up

and it's a ride in the clown's jalopy.

Thumbs down, up to your neck in the stuff that's plop-plop-ploppy.

And your time starts now.

What's it going to be?

Oh, it's thumbs down!

Your act was weak and sloppy so for you it's plop-plop-plop-ploppy!

Let her have it. How many buckets? Both buckets! Go on.

Sloppy, ploppy, sloppy, ploppy.

ALL: Sloppy, ploppy, sloppy, ploppy...

-Stop, stop, sir!

-Oh, oh, oh! Oh, sorry, Mr Burgess.

-Control yourself, sir.

-Oh, I love that sloppy ploppy stuff.

Take her away. Yes, Joyless Laughing Girl.

A big hand for the judge, please. Round of applause for Ethan.

-Mr Burgess?

-Sir?

-Continue with the Staff Special Freedom show.

-Sir!

Meadows, Meadows. Any sign of the next act?

The fate of the Freedom Show is in your hands.

Can someone do something? Anything!

My mum once told me I was quite good at telling jokes.

Well, you know what they say... Mum knows best!

You're going to be fantastic.

Act Three is one its way, Gov! Over! Come on.

Brilliant. Right.

Jailers and jailbirds, yes, it's another act from

the performing prison officers and it is...

another performing prison officer!

CHEERING

Hello.

-Hello! How are you?

-AUDIENCE: Good.

I'm here to talk to you about rudeness. Do you like rudeness?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

-Do any of you know any rude words?

-AUDIENCE: Yes.

Whatever you do, don't shout them out. Do not shout them out.

Cos children are not allowed to use rude words...

unless they rhyme them with other rude words,

cos then it's poetry and not rudeness, you see.

You're allowed to do that.

Let me give you an example. Here's one.

"If you want carrots, come here.

"If you want carrots, I've got them.

"They look good but smell sort of funny

"cos I keep them fresh in my bottom."

Now, if you were to say that in real life, you'd get into trouble.

But in a poem, you can do it, you see?

This next one isn't rude at all. It's called I Am The Toilet.

"I am the toilet and it's my Christmas, too.

"As I guzzle down gallons of your Christmas poo."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"As you open up presents and go to midnight masses,

"I'm wreathed in a halo of your body's sprout gasses."

"And when the tree is all bare and the puddings are mush,

"I belch out my pleasure with one Christmas flush."

"Twinkle, twinkle, little stench.

"Should have kept your buttocks clenched."

"Down beneath the table deep, like a stinky rubbish heap.

"Twinkle, twinkle, little stench, seeping out of Grandad's trench."

Now, at the end of this, you can all shout out the last word

if you can guess what it's going to be.

It's not too rude, I hope.

"A lion once went to his mum and said to her,

"Mum, I have some problems for you.

I went to the loo and found pimples all over my...?"

AUDIENCE: Bum.

Legs! It's legs, you rude lot! Oh, bye.

There we are. Give a round of applause.

Mr Burgess, cancel him for the Royal Variety performance,

would you? Yes, Nat Tappley there.

Well, what did you think of him?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Miss, what did you make of Officer Tappley's work?

I think it was really good and now I'm going to go tell it to my mum.

Did you like Nat Tappley?

I especially liked I Am The Toilet because it made me laugh.

-Do you like poetry?

-No, it's boring.

Right, with one final word about Officer Tappley's filth, Miss?

-Poop-on-licious.

-Well, how appropriate. Poop-on-licious, sir.

Now, with any luck,

it's time for our fourth performing prison officer act.

-MEADOWS ON RADIO:

-Eh, Gov?

-What is it, Meadows?

-We've got a problem.

There's no-one left up here with a party trick! Over!

Oh, this is terrible.

We've got no-one to do the fourth and final act.

-Mr Burgess!

-Sir?

-Would you join me on the stage for a moment, please?

-Sir.

-Mr Burgess, there's no-one to do the final act.

-You're going to have to help out.

-Me, sir?

Yes, I'm sure beneath that gruff exterior,

-there beats the heart of a true entertainer.

-Sir, I...

I'm beginning to think you don't know me at all, sir.

Rubbish. Get off and get ready.

Right, Jailers and Jailbirds...

This is your chance, Frank, to prove there's more to you than just being

a sour, wrinkled-face old prude!

So, Jailers and Jailbirds, your fourth and final

performing prison officer act.

It's Mr Burgess And Friends.

JAZZY MUSIC

Sir!

All right, get back to your posts, there we are.

Frank Twinkletoes Burgess And The Slammer Tap Troupe, yeah.

Well. There were great.

What did you think of Mr Burgess?

Let's find out with Mr Bu...

I mean, Miss Meadows.

Well, wasn't Mr Burgess fantastic? What did you think?

Well, I thought it was a mind-boggling act

with lots of excitement and skill.

Who would have ever thought we'd have a Slammer Tap Troupe.

What did you think of Mr Twinkletoes Burgess?

-He was bamping.

-Bamping?

-Yeah.

-What does bamping mean?

It can mean anything, but it was, like, really good.

-Me and my friends made it up.

-Oh, Mr Burgess is bamping.

-And for the final word, please sum that act up.

-Burgess-ly shocking.

Well, the end of our first ever Staff Special here at The Slammer.

Who's going to win? We'll find out in a moment but first,

welcome all the acts back on stage, please. 3run!

Jezzo!

Nat Tappley!

And of course, The Slammer Tap Troupe.

Well, the same as any Freedom Show, even though it's prison officers,

you'll decide the winner with this. Yes, the Clap-on-meter.

The more noise you make, the higher the score. It's as simple as that.

Well, the first performing prison officer act

that you saw were tremendous.

Will they win? Let's hear it for 3run!

AUDIENCE SCREAMS AND CHEERS

That's cleared the old wax out of the lug holes!

That's a great score, 92.1!

That's a great score to start off any Freedom Show.

Well, the next performing prison officer act,

very unusual, very funny, very magical.

Will he win? Please, some noise for Jezzo!

AUDIENCE SCREAMS AND CHEERS

Oh, Jezzo.

I think you need to work a bit more magic there, Jezzo.

Good score but still just 49.7. Still in the lead, it's 3run.

Well, the next act, he was very naughty, he was very funny.

It's of course Nat Tappley!

AUDIENCE SCREAMS AND CHEERS

Again, just up nearly to the halfway stage.

49.9, just into second position.

Still in the lead, it's 3run.

Well, what did you think of this wonderful Slammer routine,

led by Twinkletoes Burgess?

It was The Slammer Tap Troupe!

Come on! AUDIENCE SCREAMS AND CHEERS

Oh, second place, second place!

Well, that means the winners, with a score of 92.1,

is 3run!

CHEERING

Off they go.

That means the rest of you stay for tea and I suppose

you're going to have sloppy ploppy porridge, is that right, Mr Burgess?

No, sir. We're staff. We eat in the canteen, don't we?

You eat in the staff canteen?

-There's a special on tonight as well.

-What's the special?

-Sloppy ploppy porridge, sir.

-Oh, right. Off to the canteen!

Give them a big hand, please.

Nat Tappley...

Jezzo.

And of course, The Slammer Tappers are staying with us.

Well, that's good news.

And remember, if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

ALL: Don't do the crime!

All right, everybody. Bye-bye!

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer. #

-PRISONER:

-Please let us out, Mr Burgess.

All right, all right, my little babies. You asked,

now here comes Uncle Frank with your din-dins.

-PRISONER:

-We're ready to entertain!

GROANING FROM CELL

A bit more, shall we, Frank? Oh, why not, Frank, treat yourself.

Right you are, Frank.