Master of Disguise The Slammer

Dear Steven Spielberg. Or can I call you "Stevie Baby"?

Course I can. Stevie Baby, have I got an idea for you!

It's the true story of what happened in The Slammer this week,

and like all the best movies, it's full of excitement...

..laughter...

# I like to move it! #

..and tension!

By the way, when it comes to casting my part,

may I suggest Brad Pitt for the role?

I look just like him,

or his brother Cess.

Anyway, here's how it all started.

And action!

# You've been found guilty of a howling show-biz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act, with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

All right, Gibling. Move along, nothing to see here!

Yes, yes, very good, lad, but you won't catch me out that easily.

Who's in that cell, Mr Burgess?

I don't ever think I've seen it opened.

Never you mind who's in that cell, Miss Meadows!

All you need to know is whoever's in there,

they must never, ever be let out. Don't even talk to them.

-But...

-Ah!

I said no talkie talkie! Sh!

Never let out and never talked to. That's mean even for Mr Burgess.

I wonder who's in there, they can't be that bad...

Silly me, I seem to have locked myself in one of my own cells!

Not again, sir!

Again?! I mean, oh, yes! Daft as a brush, I am!

Out you come!

Yes! Yes! At last!

Must be nearly biccie time.

CUCKOO!

I was right! Must dash!

DRUMS FINGERS

DRUMMING CONTINUES

Enjoy biccie time, sir?

Why does everyone always assume I've just had a biccie?

Because you usually have, sir. That and the crumbs.

When I saw you earlier, you said you were popping off for one,

-so I thought...

-What are you talking about, Meadows?

-I haven't seen you all day.

-But...

Now, listen, I've called this emergency meeting

because Henrico De Marco, the world's greatest impressionist,

has escaped from his cell.

Right, what does he look like?

That's exactly the problem. Nobody knows!

He can make himself look and sound exactly like anyone he's ever met!

That's why we have to keep him in a cell on his own.

Not in cell 101...

Exactly.

Oops. I might have accidentally let him out.

That means he could be impersonating any one of us here right now.

It could even be you, Officer Meadows!

-Well, when I let him out he looked just like The Governor.

-Ah!

Hang on! I'm not Henrico.

That's exactly what Henrico would say.

To be sure, you're going to have to tell us something only you know.

Like what?

Like, what was your nickname at school?

I'm not answering that!

Ha! That proves it! You are Henrico De Marco!

All right, then. All right, then.

If it's the only way that'll prove it.

My nickname at school was...

HE MUMBLES

Come again, sir?

HE MUMBLES

Didn't quite catch that either, sir.

Jellybum Wobblechops!

Satisfied? That proves I'm not Henrico!

Then who is?

Can I have a word, sir?

What is it, Frank? Can't you see that I'm...

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Aha!

Our Mr De Marco, sir?

He didn't fool me for a second, did he, Meadows?

Of course not, Jellybum... I mean Governor! Sorry!

-He won't get very far!

-Wait!

We know that all three of us are really us, yes?

Yes.

So, if we give ourselves a secret mark,

we'll always be able to tell who the real us are.

Like this.

Good idea, I suppose!

So long as the person we're talking to has one of these marks,

we'll know they're really us.

So, how do I look?

Divine, Jellybum...sir.

In that case, it is Showtime!

Ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to HMP Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

Now please welcome your host,

accept no imitations,

it's the one and only Governor!

CHEERING

Who's the Governor?

-ALL:

-You're the Governor!

Yes, jailers and jailbirds, it is I, your Governor,

and I've got the mark to prove it.

But we have a problem in the Slammer today,

there's an imposter running around,

the world's greatest impressionist,

and he could be any one of you.

It could be you! So keep your eyes out.

All right, will you do that, jailers and jailbirds, yes?

ALL: Yes!

Fantastic. We've got four brilliant performing prisoner acts,

all hoping to go free. Which one will it be?

It could be this very first one. A marvellous magic act.

Serving six years in the Slammer - it's quite a spell -

which is just as well because he's a magician.

It's Jamie Allan!

APPLAUSE

Thanks very much, everybody, my name's Jamie Allan.

I was going to show you a great new trick today I've been working on,

and it uses a newspaper, but a lot of people are now

reading all of their newspapers and comic books online.

So if I'm going to show you this little piece of magic,

we're going to have to use a bit of imagination.

Now, this trick is more of an illusion than a trick.

An illusion is just something

which appears to be happening when it's not.

I'm going to demonstrate that for you

with these couple of sheets of newspaper and nothing else.

I call it the illusion of the torn newspaper.

It's called an illusion because I never actually tear the newspaper.

Now... It's good, isn't it?

You even think you can hear it. It becomes so convincing, look.

You'd think that you can see all the individual pieces

of the newspaper, but you don't, it's just an illusion.

The paper is still completely whole.

Thank you.

You see, because there is the newspaper. That is the front page,

that's the middle, that's the back.

I wanted to show you something brand-new today.

Something which uses not one tablet computer, but actually four.

This is a brand-new illusion, and I call this digital art.

Please watch this carefully.

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

Marvellous. Hang on, hang on...

That's not Meadows! Her mark's gone!

That must be Henrico!

What? No! This is me!

Where's your mark?

It's on this wrist, sir.

Oh, yes. Just checking. That's all right, carry on.

On with your opinions of that marvellous magic act.

What did you think of Jamie Allan - did he cast a spell on you?

Let's find out from the wizard in chief, Mr Burgess.

Sir! Let's get a man's perspective on this,

you look like you've got a solid head on your shoulders, sir!

-It was mind-blowing.

-Why?

-Because he pulled all them things...

-Did your head actually explode, sir?

Was Jamie Allan magical for you?

-Yes.

-In what way?

Like, he used the tablets to transfer things

into different places.

Good, wasn't it? Very original.

-Has he done enough to go free?

-Yes.

One final word, sum that act up for me, miss.

-Magical.

-It was, really. Magical, sir.

Well, jailers and jailbirds, on to our next performing prisoner act.

An act that's going to scale new heights.

Absolutely wonderful, what a sense of balance she has.

She's serving ten years in the Slammer,

for having ladders in her tights.

She put them in her tights and snuck off with them. Naughty!

But she's brilliant. Will you please show your appreciation for

Miss Claire Marie!

APPLAUSE

# It's a new dawn

# It's a new day

# It's a new life

# For me

# And I'm feeling good

# Feeling good

# Fish in the sea

# You know how I feel

# River running free

# You know how I feel

# Blossom on the tree

# You know how I feel

# It's a new dawn

# It's a new day

# It's a new life

# For me

# And I'm feeling good

# Dragonfly out in the sun

# You know what I mean, don't you know

# Butterflies all having fun

# You know what I mean

# Sleep in peace when day is done

# That's what I mean

# And this old world is a new world

# And a bold world

# For me

# For me

# Stars when they shine

# You know how I feel

# Scent of the pine

# You know how I feel

# Oh, freedom is mine

# And I know how I feel

# It's a new dawn

# It's a new day

# It's a new dawn

# It's a new day

# It's a new life

# For me

# And I'm feeling

# Good. #

CHEERING

Bring her back here. Let's hear it for Miss Claire Marie. Wow!

Remember the next time you're asked to set the table for tea,

don't go messing around like that. It'd take for ever!

But what did you think of that as a performing prisoner act?

Let's find out, with Mr Very Well Balanced Burgess.

What do you call a woman with a table on her head?

Miss Claire Marie, quite obviously.

I thought it was shockingly fantastic.

Shockingly fantastic? What shocked you about it in particular, sir?

She was on a ladder with a table on her head. What more could shock you?

Do you find Claire Marie a very exciting act?

I was flabbergasted when she balanced...

the drinks and the table on just her head

and she went up and down the ladders.

-One final word, sum that act up for me, sir.

-Brilliant!

BRILLIANT!

Now, performing prisoner appreciators,

it's time for the part of the Slammer Freedom Show

that we call solitary confinement!

Yes, a chance for the acts

who are locked away in the vaults to perform.

They don't go free, but if they do well, they get the thumbs up.

They get a nice little treat, and today's treat is

a lovely colour picture of Norwich.

Lovely place, Norwich.

But if not, if they get the thumbs down,

then it's a cruel and unusual punishment. Mr Burgess!

-Sir!

-What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today, sir, it's the old sack and porridge routine, sir.

Oh, the old sack and porridge.

Nobody wants the old sack and porridge.

Well, jailers and jailbirds, we need a judge.

Certainly do, sir. Got my eye on this young man here, sir.

-Looks full of discernment.

-Give him a round of applause, please.

APPLAUSE

-Your name, sir?

-Ian.

You're to be the judge, apply the wig of justice,

as we welcome - if that's the right word - the solitary confinement act

that we call Competitive Nose Blowing!

HONK!

FOGHORN

TRUMPET PLAYS

MUSIC: Flight Of The Bumblebee by Rimsky-Korsakov

TRUMPET PLAYS

FOGHORN

RICOCHET

He's blown his nose off.

That'll do. Come on. Give them a something, I don't know what.

I don't know what you do with an act like that.

Competitive Nose Blowing - an act not to be sneezed at.

But will it be the thumbs up or the thumbs down?

Ian, it's up to you to decide.

Remember, thumbs up, nice picture of Norwich.

Thumbs down, and it's the sack and porridge.

Your five seconds starts now.

Hold your thumb up, sir.

Oh, straightaway, it's down! It's down!

That's it! Your act was weak and sloppy, so for you it's...

ALL: Sloppy ploppy porridge!

How many buckets? Both buckets! Come on, yes!

Sloppy, ploppy!

ALL: Sloppy, ploppy!

-Sir. Sir!

-What is it?

Sorry, Mr Burgess, yes, sorry. Take them away.

-Mr Burgess.

-Sir.

-On with the Freedom Show.

Now, the next act, jailers and jailbirds, is unbelievable.

He's a beat boxer, he makes all the sounds himself, no special effects,

so will he be staying in the Slammer? Will he be

boxed up any longer? Let's find out as we welcome Lee Gibling!

APPLAUSE

IMITATES SIREN

IMITATES DRUM KIT

RECORD SCRATCHING

DRUMS WITH SCRATCHING

APPLAUSE

IMITATES DRUM PATTERN

APPLAUSE

RECORD SCRATCHING

HUMS BASS LINE FROM "I LIKE TO MOVE IT"

CLAPPING

# I like to move it, move it

# I like to move it, move it

# I like to move it, move it

# I like to move it!

# I like to move it, move it

# I like to move it, move it

# I like to move it, move it

# You like to move it!

APPLAUSE

He liked to move it, but will he be moving it out of The Slammer?

Let's find out with Mr Boo-bip-beep-beep Burgess.

Lee Gibling, Human Beatbox. Was he?

Yeah.

Very, very good. Epic.

What did you think of Lee Gibling?

I loved him. He was dead good when he went...

Sounds like a duck, but it's very good.

Fantastic, that.

And for one final word, you, young man, will have to sum up

that act.

Astonishing!

Astonishing, sir!

Well, prancing prisoner appraisers, on to one more act.

Yes, this act could be going free. Absolutely tremendous.

They're called The Shockerellas, and it was quite a shock

when they got six months in The Slammer. What will you make of them?

Make some noise, please, for Shockarellas!

CHEERING

MUSIC: "#thatPOWER" by will.i.am

# I know

# I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

# And I'm loving every second

# Minute, hour

# Bigger, better

# Stronger power

# I got that power

# I got that power, power, power, power

# They call me Will-A

# Stay so cool, I'm chilli

# I done made that milli

# On my way to that billi

# Used to have a piggy bank

# But now I got that bigger bank

# Who-who cares what the haters say

# They hate on me cos we doing what they can't

# I stay on that hustle

# I flex that little muscle

# Hate to bust your bubble

# I'm on that other level

# Imma take it higher

# And high and high and higher

# I stay and buy attire

# Keep burning like that fire

# I know

# I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

# And I'm loving every second

# Minute, hour

# Bigger, better

# Stronger power

# I got that power

# I got that power, power, power, power. #

CHEERING

Let's hear it for Shockarella, yeah!

Yes, marvellous.

Well, Shockarella, were they shockingly good?

Will they be going free? Let's find out with our very own live wire,

Mr Burgess!

-Shockarellas there. Miss, did they do it for you?

-Yeah.

I think the Shockarellas were amazing

and they're my favourite act.

-They're your favourite act today.

-Yeah.

-They've done enough, as far as you're concerned, to set them free.

-Yeah.

What bit did you like about it the best?

I liked it when they did, like...

when they took it in turns to do their own separate bit.

One final word to sum that act up for me, miss.

Shockalicious.

Shockalicious, that'll do.

Well, there we are.

Your views and opinions on all our performing prisoners.

Who's going free? Let's find out.

But before we do that, welcome them back on the stage, please.

CHEERING

Jamie Allan...

Miss Claire Marie...

Lee Gibling and Shockarellas.

Well, there they are, four brilliant performing prisoner acts,

I think you'll agree. Only one act will be stepping out of The Slammer,

their debt to society paid, and we'll find out with this.

Yes, Miss Meadows' Clap-o-meter.

The more noise you make, the higher the score,

it's as simple as that.

Well, he mesmerised you with magic old and new.

Will he be going free?

Let's find out from the iMagician Jamie Allan!

CHEERING

71's a good score, Jamie.

Can it be bettered now by this young lady?

She soared to the heights while balancing a table on her head,

and you don't see that every day of the week.

Your views, please, for Claire Marie.

CHEERING

Claire goes into the lead, top hat and all.

72.4.

Well, next, he was a ba-ba-ba-ba-beat boxer.

Will he be getting out of The Slammer today?

Will he be avoiding the sloppy, ploppy porridge?

Your appreciation for Lee Gibling!

CHEERING

Big score. 91.1 for Lee.

He's in the lead. There's only one act that can catch him now.

Steady, jailers and jailbirds. Steady. The excitement's...

The tension's almost alive.

Will they be going free?

Let's hear it for Shockarellas!

CHEERING

Wow!

Oh!

Oh, there's no doubt there.

Four tremendous acts, four great scores, but going free,

with 95.1, is the Shockarellas.

-CHEERING

-Stop! Stop!

-Wait a minute. What is it, Meadows?

-Don't let them leave.

-Why not?

Well, because one of them is Henrico De Marco.

-But they've just won the Freedom Show.

-Exactly.

And what better way for Henrico to escape?

If that's Henrico, where's the real Shockarella?

I've got an idea where they might be, sir.

-Excuse me.

-Well done, Mr Burgess.

Ah, found you. Right...

come with me.

-Right, out you go.

-Oh, well done, Mr Burgess.

There's the real Shockarella.

Oh, that's marvellous. That means you can now go free.

Jailers and jailbirds, Shockarellas are all going free.

CHEERING

Well done. Well done. Well, that's...great news for them.

And we've recaptured Henrico as well, which is marvellous.

The bad news for everybody else is you're staying for tea.

-What's for tea, Mr Burgess?

-Nothing, sir.

-What do you mean, nothing?

-Nothing.

I haven't got a scrap in the kitchen, sir.

We must have something!

Well, we might have a bit of something, I suppose. There's...

Oh, I tell you what we have got. We've got that...

-The sloppy, ploppy porridge.

-That's it, sir. Right, you lot...

Oh, I don't believe it. Give them a big cheer, everybody.

CHEERING

Claire Marie, Lee Gibling, Shockarellas, they've gone through,

Jamie Allan's staying.

And you, jailers and jailbirds, have been brilliant.

Join us again soon for another Freedom Show,

here at The Slammer.

And remember, if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

-ALL:

-Don't do the crime!

Bye-bye, everybody! Bye-bye!

CHEERING

Well, you better settle in, De Marco.

You're going to be in there for a long time, son.

Well done, both of you.

We can all sleep safely in our beds tonight.

-Now, who's up for a nice cup of tea and a biccie?

-Why not?

I'll be with you in just one tick.

Sir.

KLAXON