The Mascot The Zoo

-BEATBOXING

-# Bo bo bo-bo-bo... #

-Hmmm?

-# Zabbibidoo-boomba-wah-wah

# Wah wah weyyyy...

# Zap buduh-bap-bap, zoobeedoobeedo Wah wah wah weyyy...

Hmmm!

# Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya

-# Ya-ya-ya-ya... #

-Grrr...

# Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya Ya-ya-ya-ya

-# Ya yah...

-Yah...

# Yah, yah, yah-yah

-# Yah-yah... #

-GRUNTS ANGRILY

# Yah-yah-yah-yah!

-# Yaahhhh!

-La-la-la-la... #

Shut up.

It's Monday morning at the zoo and species of all shapes and sizes

are waking up. Small ones...

-Yes.

-Good morning.

Large ones and ugly ones.

Oh! Well, you ain't no oil painting yourself, buddy.

Thank you. Animals are an important daily part of daily life at the zoo.

-All right?

-Without them, well, there wouldn't be a zoo.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

Today is a very special day.

The zoo needs a mascot,

a well-loved animal to promote this amazing place.

To try and find the perfect candidate,

we're going to meet all the animals one by one, and to show me around,

I'm lucky enough to be joined by

the most knowledgeable person at the zoo.

-Hello?

-Not now, Jurgen.

Anyway, there is no knowledge

that he doesn't know about the species that live here.

Yes, that's me.

No, Jurgen, not now.

I'm supposed to be meeting Matt, the senior head keeper.

Oh, hang on. Where's he going?

Matt is, er...

Well, he's busy.

He has his dancercize class, but I have made myself available.

-Oh...

-You're welcome.

-Ugh... Here we go again.

Right, well, Matt was going to introduce me

to all the animals at the zoo to decide on the new mascot.

-Mascot?

-A mascot is the face of the zoo.

A popular animal that everyone looks up to.

Well, that's me then, huh?

I said popular animal that everyone looks up to.

Oh, shut up, Jeffrey.

Look, can I stop you both there?

We can't decide until we've met all the animals in the zoo.

-What?

-It's only fair.

OK, but can we at least start with me?

I mean, the gorillas.

-Hold on, boss, there's something I need to tell you.

-Not now!

Can you not see that I am...?

-But, boss, there's no point in the...

-Shut up, Jeffrey!

Now, where was I?

Look. Look, I promise we'll get to the gorillas.

I mean, there's no doubt you'll make a pretty impressive mascot.

But let's start with the cats.

Oh! I love kitty cats.

They're so cute and fluffy.

Who you calling cute and fluffy, banana breath?

No, I'm talking about the big cats.

Really? But they're so lazy and boring.

Nobody is interested in them.

They're always lying down.

Jurgen! Big cats are some of the most wonderful animals in nature.

They'd make a great mascot.

Take the fastest animal on land, the majestic cheetah.

What, Cheryl?

She's always asleep.

Hey, Cheryl. Cheryl.

What? Oh, yeah, right, then I saved a dolphin.

-What?

-OK, maybe...

Maybe Cheryl was a bad example, but what about the tigers?

Fabi or Shakira? They seem very popular with visitors.

Humans adore us as much as we adore humans.

Sauteed with shallots and a dash of ketchup.

Mm!

Well, actually, he's a little bit scary, to be honest.

What about the lions?

The lions? But they would make a terrible mascot.

I mean, have you seen Neil?

He is the laziest of them all.

-Look at him.

-Well, I doubt that, Jurgen.

So, Neil, fancy being the zoo's mascot?

Uh... Oh, dear, that all sounds like jolly hard work to me.

Ah. Maybe you're right, then.

So can we talk about what a good mascot I would make now?

Like I said, boss, you don't need to pick a mascot.

And like I said, Jeffrey, shut up.

Now, I am...

I mean, the gorillas are by far the...

Honestly, we'll get there shortly.

But first, let's move onto the big mammals.

One of them might be good to promote the zoo.

What? Aren't I a big mammal?

Erm... But tell me about the other big mammals.

The elegant giraffes, for instance.

-Hi!

-Hello!

-Did you know they're tallest animal on the planet?

They would look great on a poster.

No, they wouldn't.

Look, the girls just run around all day being annoying.

-Ahhh! Shush! GIRAFFES:

-Sorry...

Then there is the dad, Yoda. I mean, he's really grumpy.

I'm not grumpy.

-He is grumpy.

-OK, so maybe I can be a teeny bit grumpy.

-See?

-OK.

Well, what about Duchess?

Elephants are magnificent, regal.

-Hmm...

-And they're famous for their incredible minds. She'd be perfect.

Duchess, how do you feel about being a mascot of the zoo?

Remind me of my time as captain of a submarine fighting Napoleon, yes.

With the Romans.

No, I mean a mascot, you know, for the zoo. How would you feel?

Oh, the army! There's nothing like a regiment of fine young men.

Right, well, maybe not Duchess then.

Who else is there?

Er... Well, there are the Australian ones that hop.

You mean kangaroos.

G'day! G'day!

They have disgusting table manners.

Just take a look at Shane over there.

HE BURPS AND BURPS

Yeah, yeah, all right, Shane.

HE CARRIES ON BURPING

I think you need to take something for that.

-Yeah...

-So, like I said,

none of these animals would be a very good mascot.

Is it time to tell you about me?

I mean, the gorillas, now?

Because if so, I have been practising.

I didn't... Well, we'll get to you lot. Yeah, don't worry.

But first, what about the birds?

They're so colourful.

They would look lovely on a brochure.

Let's have a look at those.

Look. Will you lot listen to me?

There is absolutely no point whatsoever.

This whole thing is like a total waste of time.

That's right, Jeffrey.

The birds ARE a total waste of time.

I mean, look at the ones which live on the, um...water.

Ah! You mean the majestic flamingos.

No, I mean the ducks.

Like that one. She's called Amanda.

My name's Angela, actually.

Like I said, Andrea.

It's Angela!

Oh, whatever she's called, she's just dull and brown.

Not exactly mascot material.

Then there are the show-offy ones that think they are amazing.

Ah, you must mean the flamingos.

-Oh, look, a camera. Yoo-hoo!

-No.

I mean Julian, the peacock.

Ta-da!

Oh, so no flamingos then.

-No.

-It's a shame. They're my favourite.

Wouldn't hurt to ask. Hey, fancy being the zoo's mascot?

I've been in nature films, you know.

I'm available!

Ooh! Glamorous, majestic and available.

I'd say they're in with a chance.

Oh, shut up. OK, so gorillas next?

-No.

-There are two subspecies of Eastern gorilla...

Jurgen, don't worry.

You'll have your chance to say why you should be the face of the zoo.

-Hmm!

-But let's take a look at the reptiles and amphibians next.

Oh, fine.

They hop, slide, shuffle and snap.

-OK, done.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Slow down. Can we have a bit more info, please?

Ugh! There is the no-legged, no-armed lizard, Matilda.

-SHE BLOWS RASPBERRY She's a snake.

-Yeah, yeah.

And there's the boggle-eyed colourful one, Cass.

The room's spinning.

Cass is a chameleon.

She may look stupid,

but her tongue can reach its prey in less than a tenth of a second.

What...? Argh!

See?

And, lastly, there are the incredibly slow ones with shells.

Man, what you talking about?

That's Jimmy. Hey, Jimmy,

why don't you show us your amazing beatboxing skills?

Ha-ha! Watch this. They are terrible.

Ahem!

HE BEATBOXES

-See?

-Well, I thought it was pretty good for a giant tortoise,

to be honest.

So, glamorous flamingo and beatboxing tortoise

are my favourites so far.

Boom! In your face, gorilla.

Oh, how rude.

-What's next?

-Well, actually, it's the primates.

Oh, at last!

Cue the music.

Well, the gorillas are the best...

No, no. No, no, we need to do the other primates first.

You know, saving the best till last and all of that.

Look, you do know that this is totally pointless?

Oh, shut up, Jeffrey.

Right, tell me about your lovely cousins around the zoo.

Everyone loves the apes and the monkeys.

And then we get to talk about me, huh?

I mean, the gorillas.

Yes.

Well, OK.

There is Gambira,

-she is a revolting orange monkey.

-SHE BREAKS WIND

-Orangutan.

-Oop!

-SHE BURPS

-Sorry.

-She lives with Naomi, the uptight grey monkey.

-Gibbon.

-Whatever they are.

They would be the worst mascot in the world.

They just chase each other around all day.

-Boo! Ha-ha-ha!

-Stop doing that!

See? But the public's favourite primate by far is...

Hang on, hang on.

What about Woody the baboon?

Oh, you mean the horse monkey?

Who are you calling horse monkey, huh?

You have do admit, you do look a bit like a horse.

You are on dangerous turf, my friend.

If you're not careful, I'm going to come over there and...

Guys, guys, guys, we're wasting time here.

On second thoughts, maybe Woody is a bit too aggressive

to represent the zoo.

But there is one more primate you still haven't mentioned.

Finally, yes!

Ahem! I'm really proud...

No, no, no, not you, Jurgen.

I was talking about the Emperor tamarin, Brutus.

THUNDERCLAP, EVIL LAUGHTER Oh, actually, no.

NARRATOR AND JURGEN: Much too evil.

Yeah. Right, well, OK, Jurgen.

It's between the flamingos, the tortoises and possibly the gorillas.

-Now's your chance.

-Finally!

Why should you be the face of the zoo?

It is my pleasure to finally introduce

the best animal at the zoo.

The most intelligent, the most handsome.

Yes, it's the...

-It's the rhino.

-What?

Yeah! That's what I've been trying to tell you the whole time.

The mascot has already been decided.

-Look.

-What?

All your monkeying around has been a total waste of time.

The keepers had already picked the rhino.

Oh, how could they?!

Oh, dear, Jurgen.

That's really unfortunate.

I'll show you unfortunate!

What's that, Jurgen? No, put the log down, because...

No, listen, it wasn't my fault.

Jurgen, not at the camera!

Ohh...

I hate you.