Meet the Humans The Zoo


Meet the Humans

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HE BEATBOXES

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Hm?!

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# Za-bee-bee Boo-boo-boo, wah-wah-wah-wah-way

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# Za-zoo-bee za-za Zoo-bee-zoo-bee-zoo

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# Wah-wah-wah-way

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Hm!

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# Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya Ya-ya-ya-ya!

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# Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya Ya-ya-ya-ya!

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-# Ya-ya

-Ya!

-Ya!

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# Ya-ya-ya-ya!

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HE GRUNTS

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# Ya-ya-ya-ya

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# Ya! #

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Shut up.

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-Is the camera on?

-Yeah, yeah, it is.

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-Are you sure?

-Yeah, yeah, the red light's, um...

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OK. It's Monday morning at the zoo.

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Oh, here we go.

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Listen, Jurgen, firstly, I'm supposed to start, secondly,

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this is a special show about the humans, but don't worry,

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I'm going to be calling on your, um, expertise, surely.

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Well, this is going to be embarrassing.

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Oh, shut up, Geoffrey.

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Hm.

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In this very special episode,

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Jurgen is going to especially introduce us to the very special

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human people that work at the zoo

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and we're going to discover what special jobs they do here.

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Is it my turn to speak now?

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No. Humans are an important daily part of daily life at the zoo.

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Do I speak now?

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No. Look... RECORD SCRATCHES

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..I'm doing this bit.

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I'll come back to you when I need you.

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That's how an interview works.

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OK, carry on.

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Where was I? Oh, yes.

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So, there are the groundspeople.

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There's Suzanne in the gift shop.

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-Oh, hello.

-And Brenda in the kiosk.

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Say hello, Brenda.

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-No.

-Oh, right.

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But this particular episode is all about the keepers...

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HE IMITATES WALRUS

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-Ooh.

-..and the vets.

-That was a poop. The tiniest.

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Is it my turn now?

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No. Yes, but first a few guidelines.

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Here is how it's going to work.

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-I ask you the questions...

-Ja, ja.

-..and you answer, yeah?

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-Yeah.

-OK. I mean obviously I'm a very important...

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Ah, it's going to be a long day.

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-Jurgen.

-Hm?

-Jurgen, this episode is not about you,

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it's about the jobs the humans do.

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You do know what the humans do, don't you?

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-Uh, no.

-Shut up, Geoffrey.

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Yes, I do.

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HE CLEARS THROAT

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When you are expert, like me,

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you can spot a typical human person from far, far away.

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They walk with only two feet.

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You see how the dangly arms just hang around at their sides

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doing nothing.

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They look so silly!

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HE LAUGHS

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Jurgen, were supposed to be talking about what humans do,

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not how to spot one.

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We all know what humans look like.

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Look, there's one. Watch and learn, Jurgen,

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Chaz'll show you how to do an interview.

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-Hi.

-Hi, Chaz, how are you?

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-Good, thanks.

-Right.

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Right, well, have you heard about the other humans at the zoo?

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I have heard about them.

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And have you heard what they do all day?

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I've heard that they're there,

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um, and...

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Right, well, OK, that didn't go exactly to plan.

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Right, Jurgen, you'll have to do.

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Tell us about the job the keepers do.

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OK, so when they arrive they see their greetings.

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-Oh, good morning.

-Hello, there.

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-Oh, hello.

-Morning.

-Yeah, OK, thank you,

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I'm trying to do an interview here.

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-Hi.

-Hello.

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-Hiya.

-Can everyone stop saying hello?!

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-Well, that's awkward.

-Thank you.

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So, when they have finished saying hello,

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they count the animals to make sure they're all still here.

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Some are good at counting, watch Helen.

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Oh, she's finished.

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Some are not so good, like Andy.

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-17?

-17, excellent.

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Count them again. Six, seven, eight, nine, ten,

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11, 12, 13, 14.

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14? I thought you said 17?

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Yeah, 29 frogs.

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-What?

-All present and accounted for.

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-Right.

-See what I mean?

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Yes. OK, anyway.

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So, once they've counted all the animals...

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-Hello!

-Morning!

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You all right?

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What do the keepers do next?

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Um...they do nothing.

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That's hardly true, boss.

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Yes, it is.

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Name me one thing they do.

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They, uh...they feed us...

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Ah, tastes good!

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..built this totally rad climbing frame.

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Oh, shut up, Dave!

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This is my interview.

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Well, come on then.

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You've had some suggestions.

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Now tell us in your own words what else the keepers do.

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No.

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Fine. Then I'll ask the actual keepers.

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They'll give me a sensible answer.

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-Hmm!

-Er...Jim.

-Sorry?

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What do you do all day?

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This? Er...

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Yeah, pretty much. Can't think of one bigger.

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What?

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-That's not really helpful, Jim.

-Yeah.

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Andy, Mark?

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-KNOCK ON GLASS

-What?

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What do the keepers do, you know, on a normal day?

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Mark's got a brain.

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Right. Well, great, keep up the good work.

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Eh?

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-JURGEN LAUGHS

-You're so annoying.

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You are USELESS at this interview thingy.

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Yeah, well, that's rich coming from you.

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So far, you, the supposed expert,

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have told us zookeepers have dangly arms, say hello a lot

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and can count.

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Or at least some of the can.

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So what do zookeepers do for the rest of their day?

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-Mm?

-Poo.

-I'm sorry, Geoffrey?

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Mainly, for the rest of the day, they clear up poo.

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Don't be so stupid, Geoffrey.

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Yeah, I'm...I'm sure they must do more than just clean up poo.

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Er. No, just ask Jim.

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Do I have to?

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Jim, what is the job of being a zookeeper, mostly?

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Most of the job, being a zoo keeper, is

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sweeping up and picking up poo.

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-Told you.

-Oh, come on.

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There must be more to be a keeper than that.

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-Erm, Helen...

-If you don't know how to pick up poo,

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then you're really not going to do well.

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-SHE LAUGHS

-It's pretty much the main aspect

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-of the job.

-Is there really that much poo?

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-Wow!

-This is just two days, this is.

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Two days?

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-It smells.

-I bet it does.

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-You not going to help?

-HE CHUCKLES

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Er, well, ordinarily, of course I would help but I've...

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I've got to give back to my very important interview.

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-You missed a bit.

-Huh?

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Er...nothing!

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-So?

-So...it seems Geoffrey was right.

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Hmm! I hate you, Geoffrey.

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I guess they're more like pookeepers than zookeepers, eh?

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Pookeeper! HE LAUGHS

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Do you get it?

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-Hmm!

-TITTERING

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That's really funny, that's really funny!

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Right, well, moving on from keepers then, let's talk about the vets.

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Ah, yes, the vets.

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They are the ones that keeps the grass tidy, ja?

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Mmm, no, no, that's the groundspeople.

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The ones that mows the lawn, water the plants, that sort of thing.

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-Ah!

-Then who are the vets, then?

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This is a waste of time.

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I'm going to go and interview someone who actually knows what

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-they're talking about.

-What?

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Right. Hello!

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Can anyone here tell me what the vets do?

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Eh?

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-Woody.

-Oh! Ah, well, you've, er,

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kind of put me on the...the spot, there.

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Er...no. No, I can't really think of anything.

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Helpful. Thanks, Woody.

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Anyone know what Jolene, Jo and Christa do?

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Well, what's he look like?

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Eh? He? They're all shes.

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Suzanne, what do the vets do?

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-Ooh, that's a difficult question.

-Yeah.

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I would say, we've got pens, we've got pencils,

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-we've got all things...

-You've got what? No, no.

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Suzanne. Suzanne.

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Suzanne. The vets.

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It's about humans, hello. Not the...

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not those. The vets.

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..we've got little candleholders...

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HE GROANS I think I'll just go.

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..to drink out of.

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This is ridiculous.

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You know nothing, the rest of the animals know nothing,

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even the humans can't tell me what the vets do.

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This is the worst interview ever.

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OK, so the job of the vets is to go around the zoo

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checking the animals and mending any that are unwell.

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-Hi, Christa.

-Hello.

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They do that by using fancy tools, special instruments...

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Hold on, this is good stuff.

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-..operations.

-Who's been feeding you all these lines?

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They also use tranquiliser guns.

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-Oh, good morning, Jo.

-Oh!

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Ah, hold on.

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Geoffrey, have you been teaching him stuff?

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-Obviously.

-Great, well, what else did he teach you?

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Well, did you know that in fact the vets are not human at all?

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They are actually robots.

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-What?

-Ja, it's true.

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Isn't it, Geoffrey?

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SNIGGERING

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He'll believe anything!

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-Shut up, both of you.

-All right.

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So, in reality you know absolutely nothing about the vets, Jurgen.

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Ja, I know one thing.

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The one call Christa, she is obsessed with poop.

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We get very excited about poop.

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You can tell a lot about an animal just looking at his poo.

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Is he pooing?

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Is poo the only thing you lot talk about?

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You're totally obsessed.

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-So...

-So what?

-So what did you learn today about the humans?

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Well, I guess I've learned that the keepers clean poo

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and vets like poo

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and... Hold on. Who's interviewing who here?

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-JURGEN WHISTLES

-I ask you the questions

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and you answer, got it?

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That is how an interview works, ja?

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What? Hang on a minute, Jurgen.

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Now, tell me in your own words what I have taught you today about the

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-humans.

-Well, you've taught me today that gorillas called Jurgen are

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really annoying.

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No, I said, "What have I taught you about the humans?"

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This is about the humans, ja.

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Gorillas called Jurgen don't listen.

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You're really not getting this whole question-answer thing, are you?

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-They are stubborn...

-Let's try one last time.

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-They're rude.

-What have I taught you about the humans?

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They don't know how to answer questions.

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You know, the ones with the dangly arms, walk around on two legs.

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-Jurgen?

-Ja?

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Shut up!

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