Meet the Humans The Zoo

HE BEATBOXES

Hm?!

# Za-bee-bee Boo-boo-boo, wah-wah-wah-wah-way

# Za-zoo-bee za-za Zoo-bee-zoo-bee-zoo

# Wah-wah-wah-way

Hm!

# Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya Ya-ya-ya-ya!

# Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya Ya-ya-ya-ya!

-# Ya-ya

-Ya!

-Ya!

# Ya-ya-ya-ya!

HE GRUNTS

# Ya-ya-ya-ya

# Ya! #

Shut up.

-Is the camera on?

-Yeah, yeah, it is.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, yeah, the red light's, um...

OK. It's Monday morning at the zoo.

Oh, here we go.

Listen, Jurgen, firstly, I'm supposed to start, secondly,

this is a special show about the humans, but don't worry,

I'm going to be calling on your, um, expertise, surely.

Well, this is going to be embarrassing.

Oh, shut up, Geoffrey.

Hm.

In this very special episode,

Jurgen is going to especially introduce us to the very special

human people that work at the zoo

and we're going to discover what special jobs they do here.

Is it my turn to speak now?

No. Humans are an important daily part of daily life at the zoo.

Do I speak now?

No. Look... RECORD SCRATCHES

..I'm doing this bit.

I'll come back to you when I need you.

That's how an interview works.

OK, carry on.

Where was I? Oh, yes.

So, there are the groundspeople.

There's Suzanne in the gift shop.

-Oh, hello.

-And Brenda in the kiosk.

Say hello, Brenda.

-No.

-Oh, right.

But this particular episode is all about the keepers...

HE IMITATES WALRUS

-Ooh.

-..and the vets.

-That was a poop. The tiniest.

Is it my turn now?

No. Yes, but first a few guidelines.

Here is how it's going to work.

-I ask you the questions...

-Ja, ja.

-..and you answer, yeah?

-Yeah.

-OK. I mean obviously I'm a very important...

Ah, it's going to be a long day.

-Jurgen.

-Hm?

-Jurgen, this episode is not about you,

it's about the jobs the humans do.

You do know what the humans do, don't you?

-Uh, no.

-Shut up, Geoffrey.

Yes, I do.

HE CLEARS THROAT

When you are expert, like me,

you can spot a typical human person from far, far away.

They walk with only two feet.

You see how the dangly arms just hang around at their sides

doing nothing.

They look so silly!

HE LAUGHS

Jurgen, were supposed to be talking about what humans do,

not how to spot one.

We all know what humans look like.

Look, there's one. Watch and learn, Jurgen,

Chaz'll show you how to do an interview.

-Hi.

-Hi, Chaz, how are you?

-Good, thanks.

-Right.

Right, well, have you heard about the other humans at the zoo?

I have heard about them.

And have you heard what they do all day?

I've heard that they're there,

um, and...

Right, well, OK, that didn't go exactly to plan.

Right, Jurgen, you'll have to do.

Tell us about the job the keepers do.

OK, so when they arrive they see their greetings.

-Oh, good morning.

-Hello, there.

-Oh, hello.

-Morning.

-Yeah, OK, thank you,

I'm trying to do an interview here.

-Hi.

-Hello.

-Hiya.

-Can everyone stop saying hello?!

-Well, that's awkward.

-Thank you.

So, when they have finished saying hello,

they count the animals to make sure they're all still here.

Some are good at counting, watch Helen.

Oh, she's finished.

Some are not so good, like Andy.

-17?

-17, excellent.

Count them again. Six, seven, eight, nine, ten,

11, 12, 13, 14.

14? I thought you said 17?

Yeah, 29 frogs.

-What?

-All present and accounted for.

-Right.

-See what I mean?

Yes. OK, anyway.

So, once they've counted all the animals...

-Hello!

-Morning!

You all right?

What do the keepers do next?

Um...they do nothing.

That's hardly true, boss.

Yes, it is.

Name me one thing they do.

They, uh...they feed us...

Ah, tastes good!

..built this totally rad climbing frame.

Oh, shut up, Dave!

This is my interview.

Well, come on then.

You've had some suggestions.

Now tell us in your own words what else the keepers do.

No.

Fine. Then I'll ask the actual keepers.

They'll give me a sensible answer.

-Hmm!

-Er...Jim.

-Sorry?

What do you do all day?

This? Er...

Yeah, pretty much. Can't think of one bigger.

What?

-That's not really helpful, Jim.

-Yeah.

Andy, Mark?

-KNOCK ON GLASS

-What?

What do the keepers do, you know, on a normal day?

Mark's got a brain.

Right. Well, great, keep up the good work.

Eh?

-JURGEN LAUGHS

-You're so annoying.

You are USELESS at this interview thingy.

Yeah, well, that's rich coming from you.

So far, you, the supposed expert,

have told us zookeepers have dangly arms, say hello a lot

and can count.

Or at least some of the can.

So what do zookeepers do for the rest of their day?

-Mm?

-Poo.

-I'm sorry, Geoffrey?

Mainly, for the rest of the day, they clear up poo.

Don't be so stupid, Geoffrey.

Yeah, I'm...I'm sure they must do more than just clean up poo.

Er. No, just ask Jim.

Do I have to?

Jim, what is the job of being a zookeeper, mostly?

Most of the job, being a zoo keeper, is

sweeping up and picking up poo.

-Told you.

-Oh, come on.

There must be more to be a keeper than that.

-Erm, Helen...

-If you don't know how to pick up poo,

then you're really not going to do well.

-SHE LAUGHS

-It's pretty much the main aspect

-of the job.

-Is there really that much poo?

-Wow!

-This is just two days, this is.

Two days?

-It smells.

-I bet it does.

-You not going to help?

-HE CHUCKLES

Er, well, ordinarily, of course I would help but I've...

I've got to give back to my very important interview.

-You missed a bit.

-Huh?

Er...nothing!

-So?

-So...it seems Geoffrey was right.

Hmm! I hate you, Geoffrey.

I guess they're more like pookeepers than zookeepers, eh?

Pookeeper! HE LAUGHS

Do you get it?

-Hmm!

-TITTERING

That's really funny, that's really funny!

Right, well, moving on from keepers then, let's talk about the vets.

Ah, yes, the vets.

They are the ones that keeps the grass tidy, ja?

Mmm, no, no, that's the groundspeople.

The ones that mows the lawn, water the plants, that sort of thing.

-Ah!

-Then who are the vets, then?

This is a waste of time.

I'm going to go and interview someone who actually knows what

-they're talking about.

-What?

Right. Hello!

Can anyone here tell me what the vets do?

Eh?

-Woody.

-Oh! Ah, well, you've, er,

kind of put me on the...the spot, there.

Er...no. No, I can't really think of anything.

Helpful. Thanks, Woody.

Anyone know what Jolene, Jo and Christa do?

Well, what's he look like?

Eh? He? They're all shes.

Suzanne, what do the vets do?

-Ooh, that's a difficult question.

-Yeah.

I would say, we've got pens, we've got pencils,

-we've got all things...

-You've got what? No, no.

Suzanne. Suzanne.

Suzanne. The vets.

It's about humans, hello. Not the...

not those. The vets.

..we've got little candleholders...

HE GROANS I think I'll just go.

..to drink out of.

This is ridiculous.

You know nothing, the rest of the animals know nothing,

even the humans can't tell me what the vets do.

This is the worst interview ever.

OK, so the job of the vets is to go around the zoo

checking the animals and mending any that are unwell.

-Hi, Christa.

-Hello.

They do that by using fancy tools, special instruments...

Hold on, this is good stuff.

-..operations.

-Who's been feeding you all these lines?

They also use tranquiliser guns.

-Oh, good morning, Jo.

-Oh!

Ah, hold on.

Geoffrey, have you been teaching him stuff?

-Obviously.

-Great, well, what else did he teach you?

Well, did you know that in fact the vets are not human at all?

They are actually robots.

-What?

-Ja, it's true.

Isn't it, Geoffrey?

SNIGGERING

He'll believe anything!

-Shut up, both of you.

-All right.

So, in reality you know absolutely nothing about the vets, Jurgen.

Ja, I know one thing.

The one call Christa, she is obsessed with poop.

We get very excited about poop.

You can tell a lot about an animal just looking at his poo.

Is he pooing?

Is poo the only thing you lot talk about?

You're totally obsessed.

-So...

-So what?

-So what did you learn today about the humans?

Well, I guess I've learned that the keepers clean poo

and vets like poo

and... Hold on. Who's interviewing who here?

-JURGEN WHISTLES

-I ask you the questions

and you answer, got it?

That is how an interview works, ja?

What? Hang on a minute, Jurgen.

Now, tell me in your own words what I have taught you today about the

-humans.

-Well, you've taught me today that gorillas called Jurgen are

really annoying.

No, I said, "What have I taught you about the humans?"

This is about the humans, ja.

Gorillas called Jurgen don't listen.

You're really not getting this whole question-answer thing, are you?

-They are stubborn...

-Let's try one last time.

-They're rude.

-What have I taught you about the humans?

They don't know how to answer questions.

You know, the ones with the dangly arms, walk around on two legs.

-Jurgen?

-Ja?

Shut up!