Episode 10 Walk on the Wild Side

Hi, and welcome to Walk on the Wild Side.

I'm today's special guest host, World and Olympic Champion

penguin cyclist, Victoria Penguinton.

I'm very excited to be here.

-So am I.

-Ah. This is my trainer, Glen Waddle.

Having conquered the world of cycling,

I'm looking to move into other penguin sports, such as wave dodging.

-Come on, this looks like the perfect place to dodge a wave.

-OK, Glen.

So coming up today... Aaargh!

Not again, Glen. You're fired.

Arrrr, it's you, Captain Sparrow.

En garde, Barbossa. Savvy? The Black Pearl is mine!

BEAKS CLATTER

Ah-ha! Now I am Dre, the Karate Kid!

THWACK!

But I'm Chang. I'm going to take you down!

Hi-ya!

Now I am Obi-Wan Kenobi.

LIGHTSABER WHOOSHES

And I'm Darth Vader.

LIGHTSABER WHOOSHES

Come to the dark side.

-Ah, very enjoyable.

-Yes.

-Same time next week?

Hang on. THWRRRTT!

Come through, Neil. We're on the patio.

MUSIC: "Staying Alive"

Hair blowing magnificently in the wind, check. Aftershave on, bosh.

Cool walk, sorted.

Fellas, if you've got beautiful, flowing, lustrous rock star hair,

-give me a Yeah.

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

With hair like this, nothing can go wrong.

Nothing!

THUNDERCLAP

Typical.

# Staying alive! #

I'm desperate, I'm desperate, I'm desperate.

I can hold it, I can hold it, I can hold it, I can hold it.

I can, I can, I can hold it. I can... Oh, no, I can't!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Pranks A Lot,

and here's your host, Michael Arious!

Hello. My name's Michael Arious,

and this is the show where we play hilarious pranks

on unsuspecting animals of the public.

MICHAEL LAUGHS

And here's this week's unsuspecting gopher Gary.

It's Sunday morning, and it should be time to relax.

But little does he know he's in for a rather big surprise.

OK, darling, I'm just going to get the Sunday papers.

-Moo!

-Oh, my goodness, what is that!

-STUDIO LAUGHTER

-Moo!

Yes, you've guessed it. It's a buffalo.

Argh! I'm terrified of buffalos!

And it's not just any buffalo, Gary. It's a breakdancing buffalo.

And he's dancing all over your tunnel, Gary.

No, please, stop, leave me alone! What's going on?

STUDIO LAUGHTER

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Brilliant. More fun with Gary to come later.

Ooh, what was that dream I had last night?

I was in a dark, dark corridor.

I was walking down it,

and it was really, really quiet.

And then, as I got near the end, there was door, and...

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrgh!

A horrible monster jumped out. I wish I hadn't remembered that.

-We love shuffling.

-Mr Wolf.

-Come on, let your fur down for once.

No, not interested.

It was Tuesday, in January,

and I was on the tail of a mystery bird.

There's no such as a day off in this forest.

I tracked the chick for over three hours,

waiting for a move, waiting for something.

Anything.

But, as usual, I'd made a mistake,

and it all turned out to be a wild goose chase.

You're not pretending you're a detective again, are you?

No, Mum. Ohh!

No! No!

No!

No! No!

No! No!

No! No! No!

No! Yes! Get in!

Help! Help! I'm a damsel in distress.

Don't worry, I'll save you with the help of my imaginary piano.

I don't know how that'll help, but, er, but it will.

I've got one of those remote-controlled dolphins.

-Oh, yeah?

-It's really graceful.

ENGINE REVS You can bring it up the shore,

make it fully fish. It's fantastic. The real skill is in making it swim

-at a nice, even pace.

-Give it here. Let me have a go.

OK, but remember. A nice, even pace.

Let's see what this baby can do.

-ENGINE REVS

-Whoo-hoo! Oh, there she goes.

No, no, be careful. A nice, even pace.

Whoo-hoo! Yeah, let's crank her lights up!

Look at that. Whoo! An upside down, too! Did you see that fish jump?

ENGINE STUTTERS Ah, you've broken it!

-This always happens when I lend you my toys!

-Sorry, mate.

Plenty more fish in the sea...

Welcome to Will The Goat Snap, the contest where an annoying goat

tries to make a placid goat snap.

-Brrrrrrr!

-And we are off!

-Oh, wow, that is annoying.

-Brrrrrrrr!

That is truly irritating, but our placid goat Lucy barely reacting.

-Brrrrrrr!

-Look at Alfie go. He won't give up the goad.

-Brrrrrr!

-Such an incredible, frustrating man, he really is.

Lucy, dainty, professional, nonplussed, but taking it so well.

I have a feeling we're in for a real battle here.

Help! Help! I'm stuck! Help me!

-What's, er, going on over there?

-I don't know.

-Help!

-Don't worry, I'll save you.

Oh, please, come quickly.

Right. The most important thing for you to do now is not panic.

Don't panic? I'm hanging on a leaf, 30ft in the air,

in gale force winds, and you're telling me not to panic?

-I'm almost there.

-Hurry. Please hurry.

-Here I am.

-Oh, thank goodness.

-What do we do now?

-Er, um, well, we, um, could...

-Oh, you don't have a clue, do you?

-Erm...

-Should we help them out yet?

-Nah. Give it a few more minutes.

-I'm enjoying this.

-HE LAUGHS

-Help! Oh, help!

-Help!

-BOTH LAUGH

-Please help! Help!

-Oh, go and watch The Branch.

So, Miranda didn't invite me to her party this week.

And Bella didn't invite me to her party last week.

I just can't understand it.

What are they afraid of? Am I doing something wrong? Something weird?

Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgh!!

Something freaky?

It makes no sense. A real conundrum.

-BOTH:

-Whey!

Whey! Oof!

Perfect dismount there, and welcome back.

Victoria, wait for me. Aah!

The first sport I'm looking to master is the penguin decathlon.

-That was reverse torpedo diving.

-Get set, go!

Now we're into the penguin marathon,

-which can take up to three days to complete.

-That's it, Victoria.

Shuffle and whirl... Whoa! Shuffle and whirl... Whoa!

-Didn't I say you were fired, Glen?

-I thought you said I was... Argh!

Oh, OK. Well, we've got 61 hours to go, so I guess I'm stuck with you.

-Yes!

-There seems to be a lot of sticky issues around at the moment.

Keep up, Glen.

The Superglue Super-Prankster has Stuck Again!

This is what happened. I was asleep on my tummy,

then I rolled over, and now I'm stuck.

He must've put Superglue all down my back.

He even did my head. Nine days I've been here.

Nine days! My chin is sunburnt.

Who is the Superglue Super-Prankster?

Is it Want Some Bird?

It wasn't me. Are you calling me a liar?

You want some, do you? You want some?

You want some, you want some? You want some?!

Is it Action Roger?

Roger, was it you?

Roger?

Please answer the man, Roger?

Roger? Roger?

Was it you, Roger?

Your silence is incriminating you, Roger.

Roger!

Roger!

Is it Angry Chameleon?

No, it wasn't me! I am not a Superglue Super-Prankster, OK?!

Who is the Superglue Super-Prankster?

Me.

There you have it. That ostrich was the Superglue Super-Prankster

all along, but can anyone stop him?

No.

Did you know that scientists say that to avoid indigestion

and to get the most from the nutrients in your food,

you should chew each mouthful 32 times?

Oh? Best give that a go, then.

One,

two,

three,

19,

20,

21,

31,

32!

So, how do you feel?

Well, my stomach feels fine but I've got terrible jaw ache.

Welcome back to Will The Goat Snap, where Andy is still going strong,

and really ticking Lucy off with the raspberry.

-Brrrrrr!

-I don't know how she puts up with him, I really don't!

-Brrrrrrr!

-Oh, is she? No. She's still keeping her cool.

Phenomenal. And the crowd giving her a round of applause there,

rightly so. She must have flob all over her face,

and I know that Andy purposely had a kiev for lunch,

so it's particularly garlicky spittle.

A truly repellent tactic there.

And it goes on. This is quite possibly the greatest chapter

in Will The Goat Snap's impressive history. Brilliant.

-# Bird, bird, bird!

-I...

-# Bird -

-..like...

-# Well, a bird, bird, bird -

-..this...

-# Bird is a -

-..song...

-# A bird -

-..but...

-# Bird is a word -

-..it's...

-# Well, a bird, bird, bird -

-..ever so...

-# Bird's the word -

-..fast.

-# Well -

-It's...

-# Bird, bird -

-..an...

-# A word -

-..awful...

-# Bird -

-..strain...

-# Bird the word -

-..on...

-# A bird, bird -

-..my...

-# Bird, bird, bird -

-..paws,...

-# Bird is a word -

-..but...

-# Bird, bird -

-..now... you... know...

-# Bird is the word -

-..the...

-# Bird, bird -

-..bird...

-# Bird's a word -

-# ..is...

-# Word -

-..the...

-# Don't you know -

-..word!

HARP PLAYS DREAMY MUSIC

HE SNORES

Oh, thank you, Darcey.

So, um, tell me, Wayne...

HE SNORES

-Oi! Wake up!

-Huh? Huh? Huh?

Oh, where am I?

Oh, what did you go and do that for? I was having a lovely dream, I was.

There was me and Darcey Bussell,

-Wayne Rooney and Xena.

-HE YAWNS

We were in a swanky restaurant having a slap-up sausage dinner.

Darcey was giving me all the backstage from Strictly,

and Wayne was just about to talk me through his volley against City,

and you, you went and woke me up!

Let's see if I can get back off.

Now where were we, Wayne?

Eh?

Eh?

Eh?

Eh?

Eh?

Eh?

Eh?

-Eh?

-What?!

Oh, I forgot what I was going to say.

Welcome back to Pranks A Lot. I'm Michael Arious.

It's time to visit our friend Gary again.

Gary is an underground worker and is about to leave for his shift.

OK, darling, I can;t see any buffalos so I'm off to work.

-I should be back around six, I hope. Love you. Bye.

-Mwah!

-STUDIO LAUGHTER

-Yes, have a good day.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, it should be a nice shift.

This is good. All very familiar and normal.

Just heading down the tunnels. Everything looks clear.

I'll check this next room.

Get ready for this next bit, as Gary's in for a nasty surprise.

Our hidden underground cameras are sure to capture the hilarity.

This all seems in order.

-Argh!

-Ssssss...!

-What?! Oh, my word! Help! That shouldn't be in here!

HE LAUGHS

That's right. We placed a deadly rattlesnake in your place of work.

-STUDIO LAUGHTER

-Hilarious!

And there he goes.

Rattlesnake! A rattlesnake!

Run! Run for your lives! I've never been so terrified in my life!

I don't think we'll be seeing him again anytime soon.

That's it for tonight's episode of Pranks A Lot.

See you next time.

Joe?

Joe?

Joey?

I'm coming to get you, Joe.

-What?

-Joey?

-Where's that coming from?

-(Watch out, Joe!)

-Who's calling me?

-Joe?

-Who's saying my name?

-Joe?

-It's all around me.

-Who are you?

-Joe.

-Leave me alone.

-Joe?

-This is freaking me out. Argh!

And that's how I spend my days in the jungle.

Oh, no, watch out. Simon's sleep-swimming again.

HE SNORES

HE EXHALES

HE SNORES

HE EXHALES

Oi, Simon, watch where you're sleep-swimming.

HE SNORES

Mmm, there's dinner.

Oh, but you wouldn't eat an itchy-witchy bunny wabbit like me,

-would you?

-I say, stop talking like that.

-Look at my ickle-wickle floppy ears.

-Shh! I'm trying to hunt you.

-I'll twitch my nose.

-Oh, don't do the nose-twitching thing.

-Please, don't do the nose-twitching thing.

-Oh, go, go, whoa-whoa-whoa...

Oh, blast, I can't do it. You're just to cute.

Ha-ha! Gets him every time!

-What was that?

-Nothing. Just ickle-wickle cutesy me.

OK, Rowan, one last shot. Perhaps one for your mum's mantelpiece?

Maybe with a nice big smile?

How's this? How's that?

Er... Er, actually, could you leave it with your mouth closed?

-Just... Are you sure?

-Yeah.

Yeah, definitely mouth closed.

All right.

Hello. We're here at Will The Goat Snap,

where they're still battling on.

-Brrrrrr!

-But I have a feeling Lucy is soon to win.

-Hats off to Andy for his effort, but...

-Brr-rr-rr!

Oh, Andy's really going for it now! The final push!

Oh, this is infuriating!

-He might be the most annoying goat on the planet!

-Brr-rr!

-Can Lucy take it?

-Brr-rrr-rrr!

-Stop it!

-Now it's all over!

She has snapped. The goat has snapped, and that's it!

All over! Andy wins, and we are done here for another 76 years.

See you back here then.

Welcome back. You've just missed some really intense penguin abseiling,

followed by some terrifying penguin flipboxing.

And I've got a world record in the beak lifting, whatever that is.

Well done, Victoria, but we're straight into

-the unnecessary jumping event now. Come on. Jump! Jump!

-Jump! Jump!

Hang on. Why's it called "unnecessary jumping"?

Jump! Because there really is no need to do it, Victoria.

-Glen...

-Jump! Yes!

You're fired again, Glen.

A?

A?

A?

A?

A?

-A?

-What?!

-What comes after A?

-B!

Oh, yeah.

B!

B!

B!

Ah, hello. I'm Salvador Birdi. I'm glad you could join me.

Painting a masterpiece isn't easy, you know? A touch of red.

I am the only painter who can hover and paint at the same time.

A touch of green, I think.

It may look a bit strange at the moment, but you wait. Nearly done.

A bit of blue.

There you go. Actually, that is the worst painting I have ever seen.

Still, good hovering, huh?

# Splish splash, I was taking a bath

# Lying about on Saturday night

# Rub-a-dub-dub, Just relaxing in the tub

-# Thinking everything...

-CRACK!

Oh! Oh!

-HE GASPS

-Get me out of here! Get me out!

Oh, get me out of here.

Ohh! Ohh! Oh, blimey!

Brrrrrrr...!

Ah, did you see that, guys? I just fell in.

-No, I didn't see.

-Oh, well, that just makes it even worse.

I am SO hungry. I wonder if there's anything to eat around here?

Ooh, hello. This looks rather appetising. Let's have a nibble.

Nom-nom-nom-nom.

-SLURP!

-Nom-nom-nom-nom.

Oh, my word. It's my leg.

Nom-nom-nom. It tastes good.

Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.

Oh, this is great. I've got five more of these to go.

-Come on, Granddad, can't you feel it?

-Please desist.

-It's called shuffling, mate.

-Oh, I do hate otters so. Ohh.

HE SQUEAKS

-What was that?

-I didn't hear anything.

-That stinks. You dropped one, didn't you?

-Er, no.

-Yes, you did.

-I heard that noise and then I smelt that smell.

-No, not me.

Oh, I'm going to have to move. Oh, that is rank!

-Oh, excuse me.

-Oi!

It's over here as well! It was you, wasn't it?

Seriously, I've smelt some things in my time!

No, no, it wasn't me, honest.

-Have you been eating sticklebacks again?

-No.

Ugh, I'm going to get upwind. It was better up there.

-I wouldn't go there, mate! He's dropped one!

-I can't smell anything.

-SHE SNIFFS

-Oh, yeah, there it is.

Gross!

I need to get into better shape. Come on, you lot.

Who fancies going for a jog with me?

No, I've done a couple of jogs already today.

I just had a big meal. It'd be too dangerous.

I'll go later probably.

Oh, come on, Neil, what about you?

I'd love to, really, but I've got this awful rash.

It chafes my flippers when I run. Nick, next week. Sorry.

Oh, suit yourself. I'll go on my own.

HE GRUNTS

I think that's enough exercise for one day.

HE GROANS

So there I was, innocently having a stroll by this big tent.

I mean, how was I supposed to know

they were filming Great British Bake Off there?

Next thing I know, Mary Berry's screaming at me,

chasing me down a garden and squirting icing all over me,

and yelling, "There! Now you look like a French fancy!"

"How do you like that?!" The thing is, I had the last laugh.

I do like it.

-In fact, we all like it.

-Oh, yeah, very tasty.

It's delicious.

-Very nice.

-She's good, that Mary Berry.

I hate when people be looking at me.

You must be dumber than a bucket of rocks. Mm-hm!

Ooh. Ooh, I don't like this. I hate heights.

I absolutely detest them. I'm just going to have to cling on here,

tightly as I can, till somebody helps.

-All right, Fez?

-Francis, are you OK? Could you...?

Ooh, hey, you give us your hand! Don't climb over me, Francis.

-I'm terrified here.

-Oh, it's cool up here.

Nat, are you coming up?

-Coming!

-Oh. Are you all right, Nat?

-Could you just please... Oh, sh...

-Coming, Francis.

-Watch your eyes, Fez.

-Do you mind?

-Ellie, are you coming, too?

-I'll be right there, Nat.

-Coming through!

-Oh, she's got my eye again.

Come on, Ellie, come off it. Oh, what?

Stu, Dan, Ann-Marie, Mitch, Joy, Kevin, Robbie, are you coming?

ALL: Yes! Coming!

No! Oh, what, I'm out of here.

BOING!

Come on, everyone.

And that's how Fez was cured of his vertigo.

-Well, are you going to say something or am I?

-OK, OK.

-Um, excuse me?

-Yes?

-Are you familiar with

-the popular festive classic The Twelve Days of Christmas?

-I am.

-Well, would you care to sing it for us?

-What? All of it?

No, no, just the final rundown, maybe?

-Er... OK.

-CLEARS THROAT

MUSIC INTRO

# 12 drummers drumming, 11 pipers piping

# Ten lords a-leaping, Nine ladies dancing

# Eight maids a-milking, Seven swans a-swimming

# Six geese a-laying, Five gold rings!

# Four calling birds, Three French hens

-# Two turtle doves And a pa...

-Yes, yes, yes, yes!

-Can I just stop you there?

-Sure.

Could you remind us of the requisite number of turtle doves?

-Um, two.

-And how many of us are there?

Yes. If only we were French hens, eh?

HE LAUGHS

So can you leave, then?

Well, that's just about the end of the show.

I've had a successful day in the penguin decathlon,

so it's Victoria Penguinton saying goodnight.

-MUFFLED

-Victoria! Victoria!

I've got a penguin decathlon gold medal.

No, Glen. First of all, you're fired,

and second of all, that's just a rock.

They're everywhere. Just look around you.

-What about this one?

-No, Glen, that's still just a rock.

-This one?

-No, Glen, you're fired, Glen.

I'm hired!

-HE LAUGHS

-I'm hired!

SHE SIGHS

# Bum, bum, bungle prawn! Bum, bum...

Bzzzzzzzzzz!

# I really, really, really, Really love snow

Hel... lo!

Satnav!

What?

# Don't go there!

What?

Yeah, rock on!

Stefan!

MUSIC STOPS MUSIC STARTS

MUSIC STOPS MUSIC STARTS

STOPS STARTS

STOPS STARTS

STOPS STARTS

STOPS STARTS

STOPS STARTS

I love you, Freddie!

-Ooh, stop scratching yourself.

-Brrrrrr...!

POP!

CHILD GIGGLES

No!

Clear off!

Nooooo...

Aaaaaarrrrgh!

Ugh! Ugh! Oh.

Oh, is the series finished?

Buuuuuuuuurp!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd