Episode 9 Walk on the Wild Side

Hello. Welcome to today's episode of Walk On The Wild Side.

I'm your guest host, Barney Bearwood,

and I thought I'd take this opportunity to tell you

a bit about me, my story, and how I came to present on Bear Peter in...

-BOTH:

-The Barney Bearwood Story.

-Oh, I thought I was going to say that?

-No, you weren't.

-Oh, sorry.

Anyway, it's a fascinating tale,

full of excitement, trees, water, and lots of bears.

So join me again shortly for the beginning of my story.

First of all, though, here's the titles.

Fingers, climbing a tree is just too easy.

One never, ever falls.

It takes the concentration... Aaargh!

THUD!

LAUGHS RAUCOUSLY

-Did you see that?

-PROLONGED LAUGHTER

I'll go and see if he's hurt himself.

-Oh, no!

-CONTINUES LAUGHING

Oh, are you the world-famous champion cyclist Sir Bradley Wiggins?

Oh, no. I've just got the same haircut.

-Don't get Wiggy about it.

-Oh, leave off!

SCRATCH MUSIC PLAYS

Welcome to Smell My Tail,

the game show where you must be the first to press the smell-my-tail bell

or be forced to smell the tail.

-Today's contestants are Marion, just over here.

-Evening, all.

-And Victoria, just over there.

-Hiya.

Here comes the countdown. A-three, a-two,

a-one! BELL DINGS

Oh, and Marion wins. Smell her tail, Vicky, smell that tail!

-SHE SNIFFS

-Ugh!

-Like I was saying...

-HE GARGLES UNDERWATER

-He's really quite shy...

-GARGLES

-I've told him to be quick about it.

-HE GARGLES

-The next thing you know...

-HE GARGLES

-I'm feeling like a right old...

-HE GARGLES

-You tell an amazing story.

-I know. It's a gift.

CRUNCHING

# I wolf down Wotsits

# Invade Space Raiders

# Some Monster Munchies Bacon with Crunchies

# I'm craving Quavers

# Salt and vinegar Chipsticks

# For the lemur who loves crisps

# So give me Chitos and Doritos Skips and Discos with Frisps

# Ow, crispy bowl! #

Careful, Christopher, don't get too near that alien egg.

What are you on about, Jonathan? It's just a melon.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Well, I did try to warn you.

Well, whatever! I never did like that beak anyway.

Mmm, it is quite annoying.

Hey, guys, remember when we used to have beaks?

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah, that was baloney.

-I miss flying, though.

-Yeah, that was cool.

ALL: Aarrrgh!

WAILING CONTINUES

Actually dreadful, really, really awful.

You haven't been practising at all.

-ELECTRICITY SIZZLES

-You'll never defeat my force field!

Too...much...power.

I can't take much more of this.

Yes, my friend, with this power I can never be stopped.

Do you hear me? Never!

-If...I...could...just...

-Martin, your tea's ready!

-Oh! Coming, Mum. Teatime!

-Where are you going?

I haven't destroyed the universe yet.

Tsk. Oh!

# Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty...

Oh, had a great... Um?

Tsk. Oh, it's totally gone.

Tot... I can't remember it. No. Nope, no, it's gone.

Had a great fall. Fall, fall...

All right, what are you looking at?

Yeah, get out of it.

I was watching that, er, I'm A Celebrity the other day.

As far as I can make out, there's these little fellas,

Ant and Dec, who stand there all Northern-like,

taking the mickey out of so-called celebrities

who've only gone into the jungle to save what's left of their careers,

and it's all like, "I'm scared of rats, bushtucker trial,

kangaroo testicles, spiders, trip to the dunny, I'm not eating that."

It's proper quality. Brilliant TV.

# Ew, ew, ew, ew! Hogs that groove! #

Huey, what in the name of Peppa Pig are you doing?

# Hogs that groove... It's the new Gangnam Style.

-You'll be doing it soon.

-Er, no, we won't, Huey.

It's ludicrous. You're just rubbing your bum in the mud.

You will. I'll put it on WildTube and everything. It's going to be massive.

# Hogs that groove!

-Yeah, good luck with that, Huey.

-Yeah.

# Hogs that groove! Oi! Oi! #

Look into my eyes. Your eyelids are feeling heavy.

Heavy!

-Nope. No, they're not.

-You're feeling sleepy. Sleeeepy!

-No, I'm not.

-Three, two, one, and you're asleep.

-I'm not.

-Tell me where you are. Are you floating amongst the clouds?

Are you sliding on a rainbow? Or a lovely deserted beach?

No. I'm wide awake and staring at your ridiculous eyeshadow.

-Do you want me to kill you for your flying or what?

-Shh!

I don't want everybody to know.

-ALL:

-Aaaaaah!

-Toby, if January's down here you need to be up here!

Toby, you need to hit this note.

Hitting this note would be better than what you're doing now.

-Toby!

-OK. # Aaaaaaaah! #

Better.

-All right, Rory, can I just...?

-Just?

-Just, you know, get past?

-Be my guest.

-I would, but you're actually in the way.

-I'm not stopping you.

-I just want to get past,

-so if you could just stop blocking me.

-I'm not.

You are. You're deliberately stopping me from moving forward.

-Sorry, mate, this is how I walk. I can't help it.

-Just get out the way.

-You get out of the way.

-I'm not in the way.

-I just want to go for my swim.

-Oh, I'm not stopping you, dude.

-Rory.

You know I like an early morning swim. Get out of the way!

Oh, someone's a grumpy claws this morning.

-Oh, forget it!

-Oh, come on, George, come on. I'll let you pass.

Oh, thanks, mate.

No, you're still in the way there, Rory. You're still in the way!

-RORY LAUGHS

-You're still in my way!

Oh, you know when you just need to click your neck?

NECK CLICKS

-Almost, not quite.

-CLICKS

Ah. A bit better.

-LOUD CLICK

-Ah, that's it.

-Actually...

-LOUD CLICK

Agh, there it is.

SHE SHIVERS I... I'm freezing.

I'm freezing. Oh, do I look OK?

Wow, Cheryl, you've turned blue.

What do I do? What do I do?

I don't know. Have you eaten anything strange lately?

I'm not sure. No, I don't think so. Oh, I'm f-freezing.

I'm sure it'll pass.

I always did think you were a bit of a...cold fish.

Oh, come on. It wasn't that bad.

Welcome back. Time to tell you a bit more about me in...

Before getting into presenting,

I went through a whole host of other jobs.

I once tried out as a Traffic Policebear.

WHISTLE BLOWS All right, move along now. OK, OK.

Wait there. Yeah, wait there, OK? Now you come through.

Slowly, please, this isn't a race.

And then I even had a brief spell as a model for fur shampoo.

DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS

Ow, it's in my eyes. It's in my eyes.

But it just wasn't me. One day, I run into none other than Zoe the Salmon.

From nowhere, her little voice popped up and said...

You should get a job on Bear Peter.

"That's it," I thought, "Zoe's right." And she tasted delicious.

But enough about me for now. Back to the show.

Have you met the second cutest bird in the world?

# Second cutest, second cutest

# Second cutest bird in the world!

# Second cutest, second cutest

# She's so cute, the second cutest Thing you've ever seen

# Second cutest, second cutest

# Second cutest bird in the world!

# She's got a bright blue belly, She loves her cake and jelly

# She's the second cutest bird In the world!

LION ROARS

# Cutest bird in the world! #

Oh, look at that view.

I mean, that is absolutely beautiful. I could spend hours staring at that.

The smell is so fresh. It's enough to get you out of bed in the morning.

I mean, what do you think, Mike?

I'm not so sure we're looking at the same thing, Dennis.

And as for the smell, it's just...

Ohh. Oh, that view?

Oh, now I see what you're talking about. Yeah, no, that's beautiful.

Absolutely beautiful. You were right. Sorry, a bit of a mix-up.

Oh, cheeky.

Here at the Ministry of Silly Bird Walks,

it's time for this week's top three silly walks.

In at three...

# Do the walk

# Do the walk of life

Yeah, do the walk of life... #

At two...

# Walk this way, talk this way

# Walk this way... #

And at number one, it's...

THE BENNY HILL SHOW THEME TUNE

Very silly indeed.

PARTY BLOWER BLARES

PARTY BLOWER BLARES

REPEATED PARTY BLOWER BLARING

BIRDS HARMONISE

Oh, that really is rather good.

Yes, we may win Chick Choir of the Year yet.

Bravo!

No, no, I'm going to win. Yeah, I'm going to win.

-I'm winning, I'm winning, I'm winning.

-I'm losing. Oh.

I've won! I've won!

Coming soon to CBBC...

I'm thinking.

I'm thinking.

-I'm thinking.

-What are you thinking, Bryn?

I'm thinking...

I'm thinking.

What do you think, Bryn? What do you think?

OK, so I'm thinking... I'm thinking we all get up at once,

quick group hug, Glyn walks off, Gwyn goes after him,

then Lyn, Gwyn, Emlyn and me, Bryn, all follow.

-Great.

-All right?

-Good idea.

All right, boys, let's go.

-That's right, good hugging.

-Your turn, Gwyn. Ooh, yes.

All good so far. One at time now, one at a time, please.

Emlyn, I need you all gone now, please? That looks like it.

That's just me. Nailed it. Brilliant. Well done. Plan well-executed.

Right, I'm going to climb this tree.

Whey-hey! Oh, no, it is a bit tall, actually.

Yeah. Yeah, it's a bit tall, actually.

Um, oh, this one looks a bit more like my size.

Oh, look at that. I'm at the top already.

Hey-hey-hey! That's more like it.

I used to waste hours and hours trying to get rid of

those difficult-to-remove yellow feathery stains.

Life was a nightmare. That was until I found Snow! That's right, Snow.

Using a special natural formula, Snow is able to get to stains

other stain removers just can't reach.

Now you don't have to wait until new feathers grow

before you leave the nest, thanks to Snow.

With Snow, even the dirtiest birds can get clean.

Get Snow, available during all good winters.

Snow also works on polar bears and some penguins.

Anybody about? No? Fantastic.

THWRRRRTT!

Oh, that was just splendid.

MUSIC: "I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside"

Come on, lads. Helmets on. Safety first on the building site.

Yeah, I suppose so, boss.

Oh, I got a bit carried away there.

I probably shouldn't have eaten the whole thing.

Has anybody seen Tara's birthday cake?

-We totes need to give it to her.

-Nope. How about you, Reuben?

No. I haven't seen it. Nope.

-Are you sure?

-Brrrr...! Nope.

Cos you do love chocolate cake, Reuben.

Brrr...! Puffin's honour, I haven't seen it.

OK, fair enough. I suppose we can just buy a new one.

Phew! I think I got away with that.

BIRD HUMS

-Hello there, ladies.

-Oh, what does he think he's like?

-I know. Just don't even talk to him.

-I'm rocking it.

-I am rocking it.

-Rocking what exactly?

You wait. You wait, sister. You just wait.

# Rock the boat, Don't rock the boat, baby

# Rock the boat, Don't tip the boat over

# Rock the boat, rock the boat, baby

# Rock the bo-o...

Oh! Where have they gone, then?

# Rock the boat... #

OK, where do I start?

Er, well, I'll tell you a bit about myself. Er, I like nuts.

Hiya. My name's Rebecca. Don't ever call me Becky.

I don't like walks on the beach,

I don't like candlelit dinners...

Well, I'm a colourful character.

So I'm really shy about this.

I like eating nuts, hiding nuts,

burying nuts, finding nuts,

looking for nuts, cracking nuts,

burrowing nuts.

Lending nuts and making nut roasts.

We've decided to ahead, despite the rain.

Obviously I'm not looking my best.

Not a massive fan of flowers, or chocolates.

I'm actually quite cold, and the rain is getting in my eyes,

so, quickly, cos it really is horrible out here. My likes are...

I don't like being told I look nice.

I don't like bananas. That's one stereotype knocked on the head.

I've got several tattoos, although you can't see them, obviously,

cos of my feathers. I must look awful.

Did I say eating nuts?

Peanuts, hazelnuts, walnuts, monkey nuts.

I'm looking for, well, um, sorry. Sorry.

The name's Chester.

I'm 77.

I'm looking for...

HE YAWNS Where am I?

I don't like netball. Um, I don't even like the colour pink, actually.

I think I'm catching a cold here.

How do I start, though?

Um, OK, my name's Hannah.

Ooh. I love musicals. Is that a good start?

Pecan nuts, salted nuts,

macadamia nuts, chestnuts,

dry-roasted peanuts.

My friends say I am nuts. Ha-ha!

Can you tell us something that you do like, maybe?

Oh, sure, yeah.

Er... I... I quite like The Apprentice,

but I can't stand Alan Sugar, actually.

SHE GIGGLES

HE SNORES

I like fishing!

I'm going to be honest. I don't really like dates. No. So call me.

Call me.

-HE SNORES

-Hey!

Precious nuts.

Hello, viewers. Welcome back. And I hope you're enjoying this show.

It's time now for Part Three of...

After taking Zoe the Salmon's advice and then eating her,

I went to the Bear Peter auditions.

Surrounded by other bears just like me, I wasn't feeling confident.

And when it came to my presenting audition I was terrified.

-And now try the line again.

-OK.

UNDERWATER MUMBLING

Well, at least that's different from the others.

We didn't even ask him to get in the water.

I kinda like him.

HE GASPS Was that OK?

I left, certain I wasn't going to get the job,

but a call the next day made my dreams come true.

Something about enthusiasm, being different,

and the fact the runners up were found fighting in the water.

I was signed up, and soon I was to begin my Bear Peter career.

Join me again soon for the last part of my story,

but for now it's back to the show.

# It's Maurice, Maurice the miserable fish! #

I'm SO miserable.

Oh, Maurice, you must be the most miserable fish

in all the oceans in all the world.

No. There's one fish even more miserable than me,

which makes me so miserable.

-Who's that, then, Maurice?

-My sister.

-Mabel.

-Oh, I am very miserable.

# It's Mabel, Mabel the very miserable fish!

I loathe that theme tune.

SHE LISPS

Well, my beak may look strange to you

but, in fact, it is excellent for stirring sauces of all kinds,

particularly gravies, bologneses, mayonnaises.

Ooh, smoothies, coolies, mousses, bechamel sauces,

custard, ragus, consumes,

and soups!

SCRATCH MUSIC PLAYS

-Do you want to play Harry Otters?

-Yeah, but we're not otters, are we?

No, but Harry Prairie Dogs makes no sense.

ALL LAUGH

-Bagsy me be Ron Weasels.

-And I'll be Neville Hairybottom.

Expelliarmus!

-Ascendio!

-Stupid boy.

ALL LAUGH

Gryffindor!

-Reducto!

-Piow, piow, piow! Spells, spells, spells!

Got you! Spells, spells.

Scott, that's not how you play Harry Otters, OK? It's like this.

Serpensortia!

Oh, Alex, you've turned Scott into a snake.

Oh, nice one, Alexssss. You always take things too far.

-Now what am I going to do?

-Well, you could be Severus Snake?

Great idea. Piow, piow!

-Ssssspells, sssspells.

-Piow, piow!

-Spells, spells.

-# Here on the hill

-The...

-# Here on the hill was the jiggawa

-..trouble...

-# High on a hill

-..with...

-# I'm going to kiss

-..this...

-# High on

-..song...

-# Here on a

-..is...

-# High

-..that...

-# Hit on a

-..the words...

-# Wired on a

-..are weird...

-# On a shuffle

-..and...

-# Hit him

-..difficult...

-# Here on a hill

-..to remember.

Do that again!

# Bah, bah, bah, bah!

-# Here on a...

-MUSIC STOPS

-# Yeah, I gotta... #

-MUSIC STOPS

Welcome to the loopy, lemur-leaping championships,

and you join us just in time to see a textbook frozen Madagascan

monkey matrix mambo. Look at that!

Incredible! I do believe that's a Madagascan lemur leap of life,

-isn't it, Clive?

-Well, it certainly seemed like it, Andy,

but, in fact, it was super-bouncy tango mochachino.

Very easy to get them confused, though.

HE LAUGHS

-A gobbity-gook gibbon gallop there.

-Outstanding!

Ah, and into the team events now.

Well I never! The double-fancy forest fandango!

Er, are you just making these names up now, Clive?

Very possibly, Andy, but, ha-ha-ha,

that's the famous flying freeze-frame of fame.

-I haven't seen one of those in years.

-Awesome!

-Er, who's winning, Clive?

-No idea, Andy.

-I'm not even sure what's going on.

-Right. And how long's left?

Er, not a clue.

No-one knows when this started, no-one seems sure when it'll finish.

But what I do know is that is a looping leaping lemur at its finest.

You're not wrong, Clive. You're not wrong.

Oh, it's the zebras crossing.

So sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.

-Don't mind us.

-Excuse I.

-Coming through.

-Don't mind me.

-Apologies. Won't be long.

There we are. The coast is clear.

Oh, I can go now. Tutty bye. Laters.

Anyone know what time the tide's due in today?

We've got another hour. Oh, hang on.

The clocks went forward last night... Argh!

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

GASPING

Every year that happens. We never learn.

Yeah, well, none of us can actually tell time, can we?

PENGUINS MURMUR IN AGREEMENT

I have to drink the whole lake to get the T-shirt, is that right?

-You get a certificate as well.

-Remind me, why aren't you doing it?

-Because you've got the biggest trunk.

-OK, then, stand aside.

TRUNK SUCKS

-Whoa. This is harder than it looks.

-Keep going, keep going.

You've got drain it right down to the dirt.

HE GASPS

Come on, you can do this. Come on, come on. Keep going!

I've done it, I've done it!

-Go on, don't leave me hanging.

-BOTH:

-Respect!

-You de elephant.

-No, you de elephant!

-No, you de elephant.

-Yes, I de elephant.

-Yeah, all right, you de elephant.

-So where's my T-shirt?

Ooh, my mate Sebastian's having a big fancy-dress party.

I wonder if Pete will fancy going?

Pete, do you want to come to Sebastian's fancy-dress party?

A fancy-dress party, Callum?

Do you think I want to go to a party with people dressed fancily,

as pirates and zombies and fairies and spidermen and wizards

and dolphins?! Yes, Callum, yes,

I do want to go to Sebastian's fancy-dress party!

Ooh! Ooh, good. It's on Thursday.

-So, er, I am, um, leaving now.

-HE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY

M-Might be gone for some time.

Yes, I won't be back for some months.

Yes, I'm on my way now.

Now would be the time to, um, say goodbye,

cos it will be a while before I'm back.

So, you won't say goodbye, then?

Or wish me luck?

Okey-dokey then. Right, I'm off.

Bye...

Hi there, ladies and gentlemen.

You've heard a lot of music on this series,

so we think it's time to introduce the band.

BAND PLAYS JAZZ MUSIC

First up, Miss Monkey Penny on double bass.

Fat Damon on tambourine.

Ant, not Dec, on cello.

Doing a great job.

Feathers Locklear on bachi sticks.

Grabley Wiggins on drums.

Kelly Rodent on flute.

Cary Otter on sax.

David Neckham on harmonica.

Donald Trunk on trumpet.

And Nuts Domino on the bamboo flute.

Give them a big hand, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah!

# And that's jazz! #

The show's over, and I hope you've enjoyed yourselves as much as I have.

Before we go, I just wanted to end with the final part of...

I soon stopped presenting all my parts underwater

and really got the hang of things.

You get to do all sorts of crazy things on Bear Peter.

I'm reporting from the top of a massive tree!

Of course, I do still make the odd mistake.

Welcome to Bear Peter. On today's... Whoa, whoa!

On today's show... Oh, it's freezing in here!

Uh, oh... Sorry, I'll keep doing the line. No-one's noticed.

It's all very hard work.

HE SNORES

Er, can somebody wake Barney up, please?

But it's the best job ever and I love it to bits.

Well, that's it. I'll see you next time, everyone. Bye.

All right, chief? You wouldn't catch me doing that kind of nonsense.

Nah, everyone would think I've gone soft,

and that wouldn't do round here. Nah, to survive in this world

you've got to be tough and you've got to look...hard.

Be lucky.

Be lucky.

Be lucky.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd