Episode 8 Walk on the Wild Side

-(VOICE OF REGGIE YATES):

-Hello, everyone, and welcome

to Walk on the Wild Side.

I'm DJ, actor, presenter, documentary maker

and part-time market trader, today's special guest host, Zebbie Yates.

LAUGHTER

Um, excuse me a minute. Is there a problem?

Ha-ha! Zebbie? Zebbie! What kind of name is that?!

HE GUFFAWS

Well, it's short for zebra. So...

Ha! Short for zebra! Ha-ha!

Short for zebra! Ha-ha-ha!

Brilliant. Laugh it up. Go on. Go on!

Keep laughing.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Ugh! Run the titles.

# Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, I just have to bounce

# Bounce bounce, bounce bounce, it's helped me shed an ounce.

# I say, if you want to bounce, bounce on that branch and bounce

# Cease, cease, cease, cease, cease that bouncing, please

# It hurts my head, I'm most upset, don't make me get on my knees

# If you don't cease, I'll break the peace and screech until you CEASE! #

Oh, right. You've really crushed my bouncing there.

But I'll just have one more bounce!

All right!

I don't get it.

Why is it that you can have a pair of apples,

but you can't have an apple of pears?

I just don't get it.

Am I really stupid?

SHORT, INTENSE BREATHS

Ha, ha, huh, huagh!

Oh, yeah, I've been grounded.

BADUM-TISH!

(CHICKS): Mum! Mum! Can you do some more impressions?

More? OK, let's have a think.

Right, here's one.

MOO!

(CHICKS): Cow! That's a cow! Definitely a cow.

Well done, you clever things! Here's another.

SHE WHINNIES

Horse! it's a horse!

Brilliant! OK, this is the last one.

MELODIC SYNTHESISED BLEEPING

Um, um, em, um, Simon Cowell?

No, no, no. Dearie me. It was Fireflies by Owl City.

Oh, well, you can't win them all.

Walk on the Wild Side Productions proudly presents

Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Willy? Willy Wonka? Can I come to your chocolate factory?

Charlie, got a ticket? If you haven't got a ticket, you can't come in. It's got to be gold.

Got one, thanks, mate. Can I bring my granddad, by the way?

Charlie, Charlie, I've changed my mind.

Get out now, please, if you don't mind, thank you very much.

Oh, no! What have I done wrong? Was it the burp?

The lemonade's a bit gassy and I don't really like gobstoppers.

Oh, right, I was only joking. You can have the factory.

You were much nicer than the rest of those kids.

What? What?!

# I really, really, really, really, really love snow

# I really, really, really, really, really love snow

# Yes, I roll in snow cos it's such fun

# To stop me getting frostbite on my bum

# I really, really, really, really, really love snow

# I really, really, really, really, really love snow

# I really, really, really, really

# Really, really, really, really, really love snow! #

Oh, hi!

Will you stop watching me loving snow?

It's getting a bit weird.

Taxi! Did someone call a taxi?

Oh, I can see you, sir! Just coming.

Here I come. One taxi, for sir.

Aargh! Help! Help! Good grief, no!

OK, sir, where would you like to go, sir?

Didn't order a taxi! What are you doing?!

I'm afraid I can't hear you, sir,

you're going to have to speak up a bit!

Back, back in the river is fine!

Yes, sir, I'll make sure I deliver you on time.

No, you misunderstood me. Please put me back in the water!

You want to go to Dudley, but we need to pick up your daughter?

No!

Yo! Right back at ya! That'll be £30 in total.

Oh, it's all too much!

OK, OK, call it 25.

Mind if I turn the music up?

Please!

MUSIC: # Love lifts us up where we belong

# On a mountain high! Yeah! #

I'll have you there in no time, sir, just you relax.

Daytime. Night-time!

Daytime. Night-time!

Daytime! Night-time!

-Oh, are you still playing that stupid game?

-Daytime!

No, this one is completely - night-time - different!

-Oh, so what's this one called, then?

-Er, daytime, night-time!

-Oh, give me strength!

-Daytime! Night-time?

Here we are, watch, watch, watch. Oh-oh-oh-oh-ah-ah-ah!

We're at an audition for Wildside's Got Talent

and the best you can come up with is an impression of a monkey?

Yes, and what? Oh-oh-oh!

-But you ARE a monkey!

-Oh, right! What can you do, then?

Ant and Dec! Prepare to be amazed! Howay, howay, howay!

Oh, that is brilliant!

-Howay, howay, howay! Can I be the little one?

-Howay! Howay! No!

What you looking at? You're the ones that are the wrong way up. Yeah!

-HE RAPS:

-Yeah, Walk On The Wild Side. Collaboration.

Crab nation!

# Look at me, I'm a crab, and I'm walking sideways

# Right where the tide sways

# I'm lean, I'm mean, I'm Crabfessor Green

# And to make my point, I'm gonna hit your screen

# I'm dumbfounded, surrounded by these talking creatures

# Why am I doing this, instead of starring in features?

# OK, the animals are pretty funny, it's sunny

# And it beats cleaning the dunny, doesn't it, honey?

# Yeah! And they pay you money. #

# That's true, but for a crab, money isn't essential anyway

# Gotta go, this next clip's got potential! #

Hmph! Well, that's a bit weird.

Well...

HE GURGLES

Oh, no, where are my trunks?

Where are my trunks? Oh, no, not again. Not again!

Oh, oh, can't see them - where are they? Must be somewhere.

Actually, yes, I'm going to get out.

Hope nobody sees. Yes. Yes.

Yeah. Nobody noticed. All fine.

Nobody around.

-Bear bottom!

-Oh!

-Ha-ha!

Worst! Day! Ever!

It's Tony, Tony, the Easily Impressed Chimpanzee.

Wo-ow!

Wow!

Oh, my word!

That is amazing!

Wo-ha-ha-ow!

Sheila? Sheila?

Come, have a look at this!

What is it this time?

There's these animal things in the air, just floating around

clearly defying Newton's Law of Universal Gravity.

Tony, they're called birds!

They fly, yeah?

Birds?! Wo-ow!

I'm more of a Galileo man myself.

Wow!

Wow!

Oh, yeah?

'Ere!

BIRD WHISPERS CONSPIRATORIALLY

Yeah? Oh, right, that is interesting.

WHISPERING CONTINUES

There you go, bye.

Are you OK, Malcolm? You look a bit weirded out.

I am, Maureen.

Apparently you're going to interrupt this sentence by breaking wind...

PHRRT!

Excuse me! That's weird!

And then Clive is going to come over and make me move back out the way.

Who's Clive?

I'm Clive!

-How did you know?

-A little bird told me!

Then what happens? Did the little bird tell you?

He said this clip is going to end here.

No!

BIRD WHINES

I'm caught on this branch!

What is going on?!

When will all this supergluing stop?!

If I wasn't a...

I just can't stop flurping. Ooh!

Flurp!

-ITALIAN ACCENT:

-Of course it wasn't-a me!

I'm-a too busy making the doughballs!

No!

So, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted earlier,

I'm Zebbie Yates.

As well as acting, DJing and presenting,

not many people know that I also do a bit of magic.

Watch while I mysteriously allow this bird

to lean through one of my ears and come right out the other side.

Watch carefully. Alakazam!

Impressive, eh? Huh?

THEY LAUGH

Call that magic?!

Yeah, what's so funny?

There were two birds! It was so obvious!

THEY LAUGH

Thanks. I'm going to get kicked out of the Magic Circle now.

THEY LAUGH

Hey, have you met the cutest bird in the world?

# Cutest, cutest, cutest, cutest The cutest bird in the world

# Cutest, cutest, cutest, cutest

# She's so cute, she's the cutest thing you've ever seen

# Cutest, cutest, cutest, cutest The cutest bird in the world

# She's got a bright red belly She loves her cake and jelly

# Cute, cute, cute The cutest bird in the world. #

Cute, but I once beat up a bear at a boxing match. So, watch it.

# The cutest bird in the world! #

Cinderella...

was a...

..unhappy...

..girl with two ugly...

..sisters.

# He's big and he's brave and he's not feeble

# Andy the unflappable eagle. #

One thing I'm not afraid of is goats.

No-one ever said old Andy the eagle is afraid of goats. No, sirree.

Goats don't bother me none. Not afraid of...

-Boo!

-Argh!

Oh, sorry, Andy! I forgot you were afraid of goats.

No, you just surprised me, that's all.

This is unbelievable! I can't find me wallet.

-This is a disaster.

-Oh, you're kidding. What does it look like?

Stained yellow pigskin, very soft, about the size of a Kit Kat.

Had my library card, bus pass and pilot's licence inside.

And this was definitely the last place you saw it?

Definitely. Because I'd just been fishing and then I... Hang on.

Oh, no. Hang on. I just remembered.

I've actually never owned a wallet or bus pass. Oh, dear!

What am I like?! Sorry, lads. As you were.

I'm getting a bit fed up with this.

The... moral is...

..have...

..a unique shoe size.

OK, here we go! Crabfessor Green.

Drop it! DANCE MUSIC

Eh... Oh...

Can't remember the words.

Hold it, hold it. Hang on.

RECORD SCRATCHES

All right. Yeah, I've got it. One more time. Here we go. Hit the beat!

DANCE MUSIC

The...

No. Stop it again. It's gone. Give us a minute.

I'll get it in a minute.

HE TRIES TO WHISTLE

Oh, it's no good. I can't do it.

HE BLOWS

All you have to do is purse your lips and blow, they say.

HE TRIES TO WHISTLE

It's not working! Why isn't it working?

HE WHISTLES "HEY-HEY, WE'RE THE MONKEYS"

HE BLOWS

How does he do that?!

MUSIC STARTS

# Doo doo doo The Snowy Otter Conga

# Doo doo doo In three feet of snow... #

Wait! I can't keep up in this snow!

-It's too deep.

-Oh, come on. Just keep jumping!

# Doo doo doo The Snowy Otter Conga

# Doo doo doo Snowy Otter Conga night for sure. #

-Oh, no. It's not Wednesday, is it?

-Don't tell me it's Wednesday.

-What time is it?

-4:45.

-Don't say it's 4:45.

It is! It's Wednesday, it's 4:45.

She won't do it again, will she?

-I don't think I could stand it.

-She won't do it again.

She is. She is, you know. Look. Here she comes now!

-Oh, she's brought it with her.

-Don't say she's brought it with her!

She's going to start.

Brace yourselves, everyone!

SHE PLAYS THE RECORDER BADLY

-Oh!

-I can't bear it!

-Please make it stop!

-Pull yourself together, Mike.

Are you a man or a mouse?

Same time next week, fellas?

That's it. I can't stand it any more. Argh!

Laters.

-Oi, Pingu!

-What?

-Oi, Pingu!

-Are you talking to me?

-Yeah.

You want some? You want some, do you? You want some?

Do YOU want some?

-You want some, do you? You want some of this?

-I want some.

-Do you want some?

-Yeah, you want some! You want some, do you?

Do you wa-a-nt some?

Yeah, I want some. Come on, then.

Em, no, you're all right, Pingu, mate.

That's what I thought. More manner, innit?

Oh, no. It's that fish. He really sucks.

VACUUM CLEANER

-I mean, literally really sucks.

-Hic!

Last time, we brought you Penguins In The Jungle.

Now it's time for this year's must-see movie.

A movie like no other movie you've seen before...

except Penguins In The Jungle.

Take everything you know about monkeys and throw it out of the window...

Along with the penguins.

In this year's baboon-swinging blockbuster -

Monkeys In The Marshes!

Whose idea was this?

Oh, I say!

I mean, it is cold at first, but I think I'm getting used to it.

On the other side, it will make my bum look less red.

I'm going to take this flower for my bedroom.

Monkeys In The Marshes.

Oh, hasn't he got a lovely voice, that narrator.

-So...

-Yes?

-Don't look now, but he's here.

-Who is?

-Rudolph the Raspberry.

No, he can't be.

Oh no, he's seen us.

Let's get out of here. HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES

Stop it! Stop that!

Go on. Go away.

HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES

-Stop being so childish.

-You're getting spit everywhere.

HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES

Welcome back. Now, before the next sketch,

I really want to tell you about a new TV show that I've been working on.

We're going to do dare the bravest zebras on Earth to take crazy risks.

Contestants have to creep past hungry lions or outswing crocodiles

without being eaten. It'll be amazing! All I need is a title.

I'm thinking I might call it

Crazy Courageous Zebras Do Really Scary Things In The Jungle

While Trying Not To Be Eaten By Crocodiles Or Lions.

THEY LAUGH

Great title! Crazy Courageous Zebras Do what?!

Really snappy, Zebbie!

THEY LAUGH

Urgh... Roll the next sketch.

CLASSICAL MUSIC

HE HUMS ALONG

UPBEAT CLASSICAL MUSIC

HE HUMS ALONG

RELAXING CLASSICAL MUSIC

HE HUMS ALONG

HE YAWNS

I hate classical music!

Crabfessor Green. A rapper in a rock pool.

I've remembered some lyrics. Here we go then.

BACKING TRACK PLAYS

# This track, it sounds emotional It's not, it's more promotional

# I've got some things coming up I'd like to tell you about

# But since we're at the BBC I'd better not or they'll shout

# What I can say though is that this next track's got a guest

# A furry fellow, you know he's the best of the best

# Here's an example This is no sample

# The ample skill on display is Piano Bunny today. #

# Thank you, Green How very kind of you

# I've also been practising my rapping too

# Doo-be-do, doob-be-doobity-do And a hey-hey-hey da-rappity-boo

# Thanks for that, but maybe stick to the keyboard

# When I hear you play It's more of a reward

# I hope that didn't offend you I said it meaning you well

# But now it's time to move on to two bats that both smell... #

-What?

-Yeah, it's two smelly bats apparently.

Oh, how nice!

-Oh, Batrick?

-Yes, Ronnie Corbat.

-How are you doing with your stink?

I think my smell is coming along quite well, really. How about yours?

Not bad, not bad. Would you care to have a whiff?

I thought you'd never ask. Coming over.

-OK, go for it!

-Prepare yourself. It really is quite a stench.

Here we go. Are you getting that? HE SNIFFS

Blimey. Yes, I am.

-I believe it's starting to burn my retinas, good chap.

-Pleasure.

Pleasure. So good to have positive feedback

from such a renowned and revolting stinklord as you.

You flatter me, Ronnie, you really do.

Right, I'm going to do this. I'm going to fly.

I mean, it's ridiculous.

A bird that's afraid of flying. OK. Off I go. Wish me luck.

Oh! Here I go. Oh!

Oh! I'm doing it. I'm flying. I'm flying.

Just keep flapping and don't look down. Keep flapping. Don't look down.

Oh! Ah! I'm not flapping and I'm looking down. Argh!

CRASH!

We are live at the synchronised swimming, where we're just waiting...

Oh, here we go. CLASSICAL MUSIC

That's a lovely back layout into the sailboat. Vertical into the flamingo.

And to round off, can they complete the splint position?

Yes! Yes! Oh, and the side fishtail finishes it off wonderfully.

Will someone get those birds out of here?

The judges confirm maximum scores for the team,

and the celebrations begin! WHALE WHISTLES

Toot-toot, indeed! Fantastic!

# He's big and he's brave and he's not feeble

# Andy...the Unflappable Eagle! #

One thing I'm not afraid of is toast.

No-one ever said Andy the Eagle's afraid of toast.

No, sirree. Bread don't bother me none.

-Do you want butter on this?

-Aargh!

Oh, sorry, Andy! I forgot you were afraid of toast!

No, I'm just lactose intolerant, that's all, aw...

# I'm on fire

-# I'm on fire

-# I won't pretend that I see it... #

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Sorry. Sorry.

Thanks. Sorry. Pardon me.

I just need to...sorry. Excuse me.

Excuse me, please. Thank you very much.

-PENGUINS GRUMBLE

-I'm just trying to get...

-Ow, my foot!

-Thank you. Sorry. Sorry, mate.

-Oi! Stop trying to push in!

-I'm not! I'm just...

I'm trying to rejoin my mates. They're all at the front, see?

Yeah, they all say that. Especially when Kasabian are on.

No, honestly, I only just left them. I only went to go to the loo.

Yeah, sure you did, pal.

And I'm Mumble out of Happy Feet (!)

-What are their names, then, your mates?

-Erm...

That's...that's Alec, and that's Jim, and Andy,

and Mike, Robbie, that's Alec...

-You said Alec twice.

-Did I?

Well, yeah, that's because there's two Alecs, isn't there?

Oh, no, no, no.

Go on, get to the back!

PENGUINS BOO AND JEER

There's always someone!

-Boo!

-Come on, mate!

I'm too short! I can't see from the back!

Oh, well, I suppose I better get on.

Still got lots to do, and she said she'd be back in an hour.

Still, I don't see why I can't just have one more go while I'm here.

I am ready.

Woooo!

Yeah! Ha-ha! No, no, no, no.

OK, then. Off to the supermarket, which is this way.

Oh, no, no, it's this way, isn't it? Silly me!

No, no, it IS this way. It IS this way.

Oh, no, no, it's this way.

Or was it back over there?

No, no, it's definitely over here...I think.

Crocksy, you've got 24 hours to bust this case open,

otherwise it's your badge and your skin!

Don't worry, Captain Croaky, I won't let you down!

Hey, less talking, more running!

All right! There's no need to get snappy!

I'm on it! I'm on it! I'm on it!

Ooh! I can't swim! Captain Croaky!

Oh, these shoes are ruined!

-I'm definitely the bravest.

-I think we both know I am.

Nice try. I am.

-No, I am.

-I am.

-I am.

-I am.

-I am.

-I am, though.

-I am.

-Yeah, but am I? I am.

-I am.

-Yeah, but are you, though? I am.

-I am.

-I am, though.

-I am.

-I am.

-I... Look, there's a spider there.

-Aargh!

Ooh, where?

Hee-hee! See? Told you I was.

I don't like heights neither.

Wildside Bedtime Stories - The One Little Pig.

Oh, look at this stuff!

This is perfect house-building material.

# My house, in the middle of the woods

# My house, doo-dee-doo-dee-doo-dee-doo. #

Oh, that is lovely! I am well pleased with that.

Are you sure straw is the safest building material?

What else would you build it out of, eh?! Eh?!

Bricks? This wood, maybe?

What about reinforced concrete with a steel mainframe?

Nonsense! A wolf would have that down in minutes!

Reinforced concrete? Kids, eh?

The End.

You know what, Ronnie?

I believe you might have the edge over my kiffy pits.

-You fancy a sniff?

-Hit me with it.

-HE SNIFFS

-Ooh, my! Ooh, no!

I mean, that is splendid.

-Ooh, that really is too much!

-Really? Oh, you are sweet!

-Here, take some more.

-Eurgh! Eurgh!

Seriously, though, I think it really is...it's too much.

Well, seriously, thank you.

No, no, not good. Not good.

I'm going to have to go to the back room and be quite sick.

I've still got it!

-HE SNIFFS

-Hmm...

HE GAGS

Obviously, we're very colourful animals,

so there must be something wrong with your telly.

I wouldn't bother adjusting it, though.

No, no, no, don't adjust the...

No! No! No!

Well, now you know.

Now you know.

# But today there is no day or night

# Today there is no dark or light

# Today there is no black or white

# Only shades of grey. #

Well, that's the end of the show,

and I thought I'd leave you with a song,

as some people have said I sound a bit like

CBeebies' crime-fighting musical rodent, Rastamouse. No idea why.

# Well, we've come to the end of the sho-ow

# And I hope that you liked the guest ho-ost...that's me!

# Please remember that my name is not Reggie, oh, no

# Me just a reggae-loving zebra called Zebbie... #

LAUGHTER

Ha-ha! Zebbie! Zebbie! Ha-ha!

All right, all right, laugh it up, lads!

You might want to watch out for that lion while you're at it.

THEY SCREAM

-Ha-ha!

-Bye, everyone!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd