Episode 12 Worst Year of My Life... Again

# I'm amazed at the things that you say

# I'd heard it all before

# Just another day

# January, February all the same

# March, April, May's coming back again

# Oh, why?

# Cos it's the worst year of my life again

# It's looped around and pulled me back in

# Now yesterday has come again

# Oh, no

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Worst year of my life again. #

MUSIC: "O Come, All Ye Faithful"

What is that?

That is Mum.

PARTY HORN BLOWS

Wake up, boys.

It's Christmas!

PARTY HORN BLOWS

Did I forget to mention, Si,

that Mum is really into Christmas?

You don't say.

Yeah.

It's like the most important day of the year for her.

She makes the roast and then we play our games

and then we set up for the family photo.

She likes to drag it out for the whole day.

Oh, not the whole...the whole day?

I thought... We're still going to Nicola's beach party, right?

That's all that anyone will be talking about all summer.

That's the reason I never went back to England.

I thought it was cos you were afraid of flying.

No.

Of course, we're going to Nicola's.

It's my last chance to impress her.

And my last chance to see you humiliate yourself.

Oh, shut up!

Anyway, we'll make it. I've got it all figured out.

I'm going to make sure Mum's Christmas goes by

a lot faster than she expected.

PARTY HORN BLOWS

Pressie time!

So, how are you, Auntie Ethel?

It died. The cat got it.

Deaf as a post.

Well, what do you think?

Ah...

it's interesting.

It's a shirt with my name on it.

I knew you'd love it.

Why don't you put the rest of it on?

Erm...

later maybe.

Well, that's all of the presents opened...

in five minutes.

I still don't know why you wanted to make it a race, Alex.

I won though, right? Is there a prize?

I know.

Maybe, I should start putting lunch on. Hmm?

I should have it ready by about three.

Actually, Mum, there's no need.

Booking us into a seaside restaurant for lunch

is a lovely thought, Alex.

You're welcome. My treat to the family.

Yes, it's very, very sweet. Only I wish you'd said.

I mean, what about the turkey I bought?

-Freezer.

-The ham?

-Freezer.

-The salad?

Freezer.

And it's only 364 days until Christmas,

so we're prepared.

Well, the pavlova won't keep.

We can bring it with us. Eat it afterwards,

-cos we've only got the table till 12.

-Till 12?

Yeah, early-bird sitting before the food goes.

Si, go and get the pav.

I will.

Oh, no, no, no, no, I'll lock up.

Go get in the car, tell Dad to start the car.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Where are we going?

HE SHOUTS: To a restaurant.

Cricket! Oh, that'll be lovely.

Your mother always loved a game of Christmas cricket

when she was a little girl.

Made her day, it did.

Played it till her arms were tired.

Lunch over by 12 and a ride to the beach.

You are a genius, Rudolph.

Do you never take a day off from that?

Seasons greetings.

Merry Christmas, Maddy.

Your parents still doing their yearly street theatre thing?

They're banned from three suburbs now.

So, you want to come to lunch with us?

Look, there's Nicola.

What?

Must be off to her barbecue.

GIRLS GIGGLE

That would have been embarrassing.

At least she didn't know who I was.

I like your T-shirt, Alex.

ALEX MOANS

MADDY LAUGHS

What's so funny?

Pavlova.

Isn't it such a silly-looking dessert?

Look. Isn't it?

Do you like pavlova, Auntie Ethel?

I saw one on holiday safari in Kenya.

1976. Great big tusks it had.

Alex, I think maybe we've come too far.

There doesn't seem to be any more restaurants along here.

Here we are.

The Sandwich Shack.

Alex, I don't know that they...

Come on, come on.

I just hope it's not too crowded.

Well, lucky they could squeeze us in.

Happy Christmas. Happy Christmas.

Ah, no need. We'll all have the Christmas turkey.

Turkey? They do turkey?

Of course they do. It's Christmas.

We'll have seven turkeys, please,

and could you please bring the pavlova out

as soon as we're done?

I live to serve.

Oh, well, that's good, isn't it?

A nice...nice turkey lunch.

I always love cooking my family a nice roast on Christmas Day.

But, of course, this is really nice too, Alex. Thank you.

Hey, I know what we can do while we wait.

We can pick our teams for the games marathon this afternoon.

Huh?

We always play board games on Christmas afternoon.

It's quality family time.

One year we played for so long,

we didn't have lunch until dinner time.

Yeah, yeah, it was brilliant.

Why wait till then

when we can do a quiz now?

Oh, well, Alex, it's not really quite the same.

Of course it is. It'll be great.

Auntie Ethel, you're up for a quick round

of the 60-second-quiz, aren't you?

Oh, the doctor gave me some cream for it.

It still itches when it rains.

There you go. Everyone's on board.

What brings the family and friends closer together

than a nice Christmas quiz?

THEY ARGUE AND SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

Maddy, what are the scores?

Oh, sorry, I was doodling.

I was really hoping I'd get a nice pet for Christmas.

I'd love a pet.

I'd call him Chester.

Compliments of the season.

What's this?

Your turkey sandwiches.

Turkey...

sandwiches.

Enjoy.

Erm, it's a traditional turkey sandwich.

It's very Christmassy.

Come on, Mum, Dad, get into it.

How about you, Samantha?

It's all right. I'll order some more.

No, nobody stop eating. It's all right, I've got it.

Oh, Alex!

Alex, hey! Come on, mind your antlers.

She's choking. Does anyone know the Heimlich Manoeuvre?

I'll give it a go.

Oh, Alex, are you all right?

Ooh, I hope that doesn't bruise.

Doesn't bruise? I nearly died.

I know, but we've got the family photo this afternoon.

Actually, I have another surprise.

I thought that we could take the photo here.

Oh, Alex...

the family photo is really important to me.

Look, I know you two are getting older

and I know there will be a time when you won't want to stand around

posing for silly photos with your mum and dad,

but until then, I really enjoy it.

And I think it needs a proper festive background.

So, if you don't mind I'd like to go home

and do it in front of the tree.

DOOR OPENS

Merry Christmas.

Oh, this is great. A real festive scene.

Remember when we used to sit on Santa's lap?

Oh, yes!

In fact, Sam, why don't...

Why don't I sit on Santa's lap?

Everybody say cheese!

ALL: Cheese!

Oh, it's good. One for the album.

Oh, no, my pavlova!

My beard!

Oi! Can't go in there!

Give me back my beard!

Can I please just have five minutes?

No! Get out, you clown.

-My fish!

-Don't worry, I'll get it.

Give me that!

Alex?

Oh, hey, Nicola!

How's it going?

You are not coming to my party like that.

Party? What party?

Erm...

Oh, I see.

Mum, it's not what it looks like.

No, erm...no, that's... that's fine, Alex.

-I'm just going to wash my hands.

-Mum! Wait!

Give me that.

Shame about the pavlova.

I know.

I was there last year.

They had the world's smallest accordion.

If anything, it was too small.

ALARM CLOCK RINGS

What on earth is that?

That's my alarm. I set it an hour early.

Why?

Because it's Christmas!

Yeah!

Get in the Christmas spirit.

Erm, OK.

We are still going to Nicola's beach barbie though, right?

I mean, that's all anyone will be talking about.

For once, Simon, I'm going to use the loop year

to fix something really important,

and give my mum the best Christmas ever.

Get up. Get up!

-You get up.

-Get up!

Get up!

I'm up.

So, how's that budgie of yours, Auntie Ethel?

I know, dear. There's never anywhere to park now.

I just catch the bus.

Deaf as a post.

Where's Alex?

Alex, come on!

It's pressie time!

Slow down there, Rudolph. It's not a race.

I love it.

I can't wait to put the other things on.

Oh, I knew you would.

Oh, well, that's all the presents opened

-and it only took us...

-An hour.

It took an hour.

You can't rush Christmas, can you, Mum?

No.

Well, I suppose I'd better get started on lunch

-if I want it to be ready...

-Oh, no need.

This year the men'll take care of Christmas lunch.

Come on.

You sure there isn't a bigger oven in here somewhere?

Maybe we should just do some sandwiches.

Sandwiches at Christmas?

Well, your mum was going to do it.

I mean, there must be a way.

I'm going to ask her.

No, no, no, don't get Mum. It's all right.

Remember that this is my present to her

and I want her Christmas to be special

and that includes lunch.

Maybe we should just eat out.

You know, maybe there's a...

there's a barbecue or something.

No. I don't know, maybe near a beach or something.

Brilliant.

You're a genius!

Am I?

All is in hand, Mum.

We'll be eating Christmas lunch before you know it.

You know that's not what I meant.

-MUFFLED:

-I know what we can do while we wait.

We can start with our games marathon.

Oh, let's play this one!

Brainiac Quiz. Oh, and it's still in its wrapper.

-No, no, no.

-Alex!

Quizzes just cause arguments.

Trust me.

We'll be much better off with...

a nice game of street cricket.

-Huh?

-Oh!

-Huh?

Think of us, out in the open Christmas air,

proper family time.

What do you say?

Christmas cricket.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

It's working, mate. Mum's having the best Christmas ever.

What's up with him?

Oh, he's just fed up

cos we're missing Nicola's barbecue.

I'm surprised you're not.

Giving Mum the perfect Christmas

is a lot more important than impressing some hot girl.

Especially since you ruined it last time.

-All right, Madds.

-Impressing some hot girl.

Yes, OK. Thank you.

But the point is that I learned from my mistakes, yeah?

And now we're going to play cricket.

Do you want to umpire?

OK.

Apparently, Mum used to play when she was a little girl,

and she used to play until her arms got tired.

If anything brings the family closer,

it'll be a nice game of Christmas cricket.

It's just not cricket.

But the veranda has always been six and out.

Yep, it wasn't even your turn to bowl.

How come no-one ever lets me bat?

You're making up rules as you go along.

Yeah, well, I was saddled with Auntie Ethel...

I can make up any rules I like.

Maddy, Maddy, what are the scores?

-Chester, right?

-Chester.

Maybe we should just go back inside?

No, no, no, no, no, no, we're having family time.

No more arguing, all right?

We'll just start again. I'll get the ball.

Check this out, Sam.

Back home I was tipped for the England squad.

Never missed a ball in my...

Oww!

Oh, come on, chin face!

That better not bruise.

I don't want you to ruin Mum's photo.

You all right, Sam?

Don't worry, Mum, I can't see a bruise.

All right,

you bowl, I'll bat.

All right! Bowling was, you know, always more my thing.

Oh, just nick off!

Don't go! It's family time!

Sam!

Mum.

No way, Mrs King.

Look at me.

Shot!

How many points was that?

Not in the wild, no.

Saw one at the zoo once, though.

Great, big, hairy shoulders.

-You got lucky.

-Oh, come on.

Just help me find the ball.

We'll be back in a sec, Mum.

It's got to be here somewhere.

Ouch!

Oh, it's just a rock.

Oh, don't take it out on me.

You're the one who had to show off

by whacking the stupid ball so hard.

I knew I shouldn't have given you such an easy bowl.

Now, when we find it again,

I am going to power blast you off the field,

like...like BOOM!

Yeah, like an exploding turkey.

How did that happen?

I don't know.

That was cool, though.

Did that happen last time?

I think I would have mentioned it, don't you?

Great.

No turkey for lunch,

and that's like the most important part of the day for her.

Oh, I'd say you gave it your best shot.

No turkey means no Christmas.

It's time to give up,

and seeing as we're giving up,

we might as well head down to the beach.

No way! Christmas isn't over yet.

We're just going to wait for it to come back down then, are we?

Very funny.

I'm not waiting for anything.

There's still time to fix this.

Why isn't it coming back down?

Oh, we're going in, Alex.

Auntie Ethel needs a glass of water.

Oh, that's fine, Mum.

Game's over anyway.

-You won. Congratulations.

-Did I?

Oh, I never used to like cricket.

Your Aunt Ethel used to make me play all the time when I was a girl.

I used to pretend that my arms were tired just to get out of it.

Maddy.

You've got to help me. I've lost the turkey.

Oh, you have? How did you do that?

It flew off. I need you to help me get another one

or Mum's Christmas will be ruined.

I'm sure it won't. She'll organise something herself.

I think your mum likes to do that sort of thing.

You didn't see her last time round, Madds.

She cried, all because I cared about some stupid party

more than her feelings.

Out of everything that happened, that was the worst.

What, worse than when Parker put you in that locker, upside down?

Yes.

Oh, OK, Alex. I'll get your turkey.

You can rely on me.

What's taking Maddy so long?

You know the beach party will have finished by now, don't you?

Look!

I'm hideous.

I think the purple brings out

the blueyness of your eyes.

They're brown!

MOBILE RINGS

Yeah, I'm winning her round.

Yes, she's got one.

She's bringing it now.

OK, Simon, you get the family and put them round the table

and let Maddy in when she gets here.

-I've got to go and get changed.

-Changed?

Yeah, I've got one last Christmas surprise left for Mum.

She'll love it.

Erm...

Isn't he beautiful?

Alex asked me to get him.

Can we call him Chester?

PARTY HORN BLOWS

I've got it!

Oh, that one flew away too, Alex.

Where's Chester?

Is the front door still open?

Oh, for...

GIRLS GIGGLE

GIRLS LAUGH

Hey.

How's it going?

Ho, ho, ho!

GIRLS LAUGH

Now that was embarrassing.

Least they wouldn't have known who I was.

Hey, Alex!

I like your...

shorts.

It's a long story.

Thanks a lot for the help, guys.

My fish!

Oh, she's choking.

Does anyone know the Heimlich manoeuvre?

What manoeuvre?

I can't help but sense that this is somehow my fault.

Why didn't we just go to the party?

Poor Auntie Ethel.

What party?

Erm, we were invited to a beach barbecue,

but we decided not to go

because we thought that it would be best to spend Christmas here.

Oh!

Why are you crying?

No, I'm not crying.

Ohh!

I just worry that you two are getting older

and that there'll be a time when you won't want to spend Christmas

with your mum and dad.

You'd rather be off having parties with your friends.

I'm just so glad that hasn't happened yet.

But I ruined everything. We don't even have any lunch.

Well, we've still got my lovely pavlova.

Pavlova.

And I could always make some sandwiches.

Some lovely Christmas sandwiches.

What's say we tidy up the tree and tidy up in here

and then, we'll get ready for the family Christmas photo, hmm?

Because you know how much I love the family Christmas photo.

Put it on timer, Simon.

I want you in the photo as well. You too, Maddy.

Everyone say, "pavlova"!

It'll be shut by now.

Anyone, once you've seen one tiny accordion,

you've seen them all.

Three, two, one...

ALL: Pavlova!

Good. One for the album.

Out in the open air...

out in the open Christmas air...

on the streets.

SHE LAUGHS