Episode 11 Worst Year of My Life... Again

# I'm amazed at the things that you say

# I'd heard it all before

# Just another day

# January, February all the same

# March, April, May's coming back again

# Oh, why?

# Cos it's the worst year of my life again

# It's looped around and pulled me back in

# Now yesterday has come again

# Oh, no

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# The worst year of my life again. #

ALARM BLARES

MUSIC BLARES FROM EARPHONES

Look, look! The competition I entered!

First prize is a luxury make-over session.

How perfect is that? I love make overs, and luxury.

HE CHOKES

"Dear Ms King, we are delighted to inform you

"that you have won second prize...

"..two tickets for tonight's Boyz AZ-1 gig."

Boyz AZ-1? You're kidding.

Eugh, what am I, 12?

-HE CARRIES ON CHOKING

-These are just rubbish.

Hey, Slug, you finished with that?

I've already got that one.

-How're you going?

-Yeah, good. How are you?

-Yeah, I'm good.

SEAN CONNERY ACCENT: The name's Birch. Simon Birch.

-Is that you?

-Really wish you wouldn't do that.

What's wrong with your old phone?

It was like a whole six months old - antique.

You'd have to be the biggest loser on Earth to still be

going round with one of them.

Hey, Maddy, check out the phone Si gave me.

Don't know about the ringtone, though.

Every time it goes off, it sounds like a truck's reversing.

PHONE BEEPS LOUDLY

-Sounds more like a fire alarm to me.

-Ah, don't be stupid.

Fire! Fire! Fire!

Everybody out of the building! Don't panic! Single file! Don't panic!

BEEPING STOPS

As you were. As you were.

What are you so happy about?

OK, I wasn't going to say anything, but I just had the moment.

The moment, Simon...with you know who.

BLOWING NOSE

-Bit out of your league, isn't he?

-Behind him.

Not again. You'd have a better shot with the caretaker.

You didn't see it, Simon.

Full eye contact. Big smile.

She even played with her hair.

You know what it means when a girl plays with her hair, don't you?

-She's got nits?

-No, no, no!

It means that she was flirting.

Flirting? Oh, please. You have to stop with this

whole Nicola Grey thing. It is never going to happen.

For a start, she only dates mature, sporty types.

-I'm mature.

-You still have a piggy bank.

Well, I'm definitely sporty. I'm captain of a soccer team.

I think we all know who the real star of that squad is now, don't we?

You? Have you ever even done 40 kick-ups in a row?

-I have.

-Oh, that's only because a wasp flew up your shorts

and, besides, it was nowhere near 40. Four, maybe.

It was 40!

Thanks for the ball, mate!

Nice one, Alex.

Look, mate, I'm trying to help you here.

You and Nicola have got nothing in common.

We have! We...

-Maddy, tell him.

-What?

Tell him what we've got in common.

Isn't he just gorgeous?

-Boyz AZ-1!

-Excuse me?

That was a bit weird, don't you think?

-Yeah, Dad couldn't get us tickets.

-Boyz AZ-1? Cool.

-You like Boyz AZ-1?

-Yeah.

I've got all their albums.

They've only got one album, idiot.

Yeah, I know. Listened to it heaps.

-So, who's your favourite member then?

-Oh...

it's the tall one.

What's your favourite song?

Well, it's, erm, the one that goes...

HE HUMS BADLY

Erm, wait!

Erm, got a couple of tickets for tonight's gig, actually.

But it's been sold out for months.

What, you mean you haven't got tickets?

Too bad. I was going to take someone else,

but you're obviously such a big fan.

I guess you could come, if you wanted.

I've done it. Finally, I've got a date.

Seriously? You just asked her out...

without something completely humiliating happening to you?

Si, you make it sound like something humiliating happens to me

every five minutes.

Goal!

FIRE ALARM BEEPS

Oh, it does sound a little bit like my phone.

Right, King.

-Damaging school property - first warning.

-But it wasn't me...

Argh! Answering back - second warning!

That was 4½ minutes, actually.

OK, everyone, we're doing bangers and mash today.

Everyone's favourite.

I told you to get here early -

you know how the plain ones always go quick.

Do you have to wear that stupid thing every time we have Food Tech?

-It's for my food allergies.

-You don't have any food allergies.

I know, because I always wear my mask.

Craig from Boyz AZ-1.

Look at him doing yoga.

Doesn't he look amazing?

THEY SIGH

I seriously hope for your sake you actually have those tickets.

Nicola gets a nasty temper when things don't go her way.

I heard she once stuck a sausage up a boy's nose

and they never found it again.

I don't mean a tiny party sausage.

I'm talking about a big, thick, gourmet, organic

honey and rosemary whopper.

I have the tickets, OK?

Or at least I know exactly where they are.

-They're in the bin at home.

-Isn't it bin day?

They don't come till five.

All I have to do is go home and grab them after school. Easy!

Mrs Bax...

Third warning, King. Detention.

Straight after school.

Oh...

BELL RINGS

CLOCK TICKS LOUDLY

Right, well, I hope you've learned your...

King!

No!

Short cut.

Oh, I need a bath.

Or a shower.

FLIES BUZZ

BEEPING

Hello?

No!

200 bucks.

Guessing you don't accept sandwiches.

Alex?

What have you been doing?

You stink! You're not going in there like that.

Now, give me the tickets and go clean yourself up.

You do have the tickets, don't you?

ECHOING: 'I heard she once stuck a sausage up a boy's nose.'

ALARM BLARES

MUSIC BLARES FROM EARPHONES

Look, look! The competition I entered.

First prize is a luxury make-over session, Alex.

How perfect is that? I love make overs.

-And luxury.

-Exactly!

"Dear Ms King, we are delighted to inform you

"that you have won second prize...

"Two tickets for tonight's Boyz AZ-1 gig."

-What are you, 12?

-Yeah, exactly.

These are just rubbish.

Actually, I just realised what I could get for these online.

You mean you never threw them out? Last time?

The dump? The sausage?!

Why are you always so weird?

Wait! I'll buy 'em off you.

OK, 250 dollars, please.

250 dollars? But the scalper was selling them for 200.

Then get them off him.

-SEAN CONNERY ACCENT: Birch. Simon Birch.

-I need your help.

You so do. I think I have some gel here somewhere...

No, Simon, I need your help.

It'll be about Nicola.

You watch, it'll be about Nicola.

Oh, give it a rest, mate, it's never going to happen.

Shows what you know, because it did happen.

This time last year, we went on a date.

What happened? Did you totally mess it up?

No. Actually, no.

-You did, didn't you, Alex?

-Yes.

But, this time, it's going to be different.

It's going to be the best date ever.

So, please just help me and go along with everything I say, OK?

Can you believe...

I can't believe neither of you can come along to the Boyz AZ-1 gig

with me tonight! What am I going to do?

-What are you talking about?

-What's Boyz AZ-1?

You like Boyz AZ-1?

Only my...

favourite band.

I have a couple of tickets to tonight's gig, actually.

Only nobody to take now.

Hey, don't suppose you're a fan, are you?

-Actually, I'm their biggest...

-Cool!

-I'll see you there!

-OK. Sure.

This isn't good, Alex.

You shouldn't use your loop year for romantic gain.

I agree. Now, monetary gain, on the other hand...

Thanks for the ball, mate.

I just mean, when it comes to romance,

the universe has a way of making sure everything

always works out the way it's meant to.

There's some things you can't change.

Can't I?

You got to the apron cupboard quick.

So, what are you going to do

when Nicola starts questioning you about Boyz AZ-1?

Feign death? Trust me, doesn't work.

Eventually, someone always calls an ambulance

and then things just get awkward.

Give me some credit, Si.

For the last month, I've been researching on the 'net

everything there is to know about her favourite - Craig.

He's a Libra, he's allergic to eel

and his favourite shape is the triangle. Trust me, I'm sweet.

How do you know he's her favourite?

Craig from Boyz AZ-1.

Look at him doing yoga. Doesn't he look amazing?

But he's nothing compared to Danny.

He's totally my favourite.

THEY GIGGLE

Danny... I don't know anything about Danny.

She's going to find out that I'm faking it.

What's his favourite shape? What's his favourite shape?!

Who even has a favourite shape?

I like decahedrons.

You've got to help me. What's his shoe size?

How many freckles does he have? Does he own a tortoise?

Calm down! How am I supposed to know?

I never even heard of this stupid band before now.

They're a girls' band, and, in case you haven't realised,

we don't know any girls.

I mean proper girls.

Maddy! What do I do? What do I do?

-You could try telling her the truth.

-What?

-Just be honest.

Don't pretend to be someone you're not.

And if she doesn't like you for yourself,

then maybe she doesn't deserve you anyway.

And you could start looking for someone else.

Someone who likes you.

-Simon, what do I do?

-Now relax, man.

All you need to do is research and memorise

a complete biographical history in the few hours

you've got before the gig. It's a piece of cake.

You've got to help me. We've got to come up with a plan.

Why are you asking her? It'll just be something stupid.

I suppose there is something we could do.

Are you there, Alex?

All right, last time round was the worst date in history.

This year has to be nothing short of the best.

-Two tickets, please.

-200 bucks.

Certainly. Let me pay you with some money.

Well, what else would you pay me with?

Not a half-eaten mouldy sandwich, if that's what you're thinking.

Are you for real?

Well, if he can maintain this level of banter with Nicola,

everything's going to go just fine.

I counted them. And you can keep the pig.

Hi.

'Sup?

How's it going?

What's up? How's it going?

-Hey.

-Hey.

I'm so excited.

I still can't believe that you're a fan. Who's your favourite?

Ah, Danny, without a doubt.

Mine, too.

Whoa! What do you like about him?

Oh, erm...

Don't worry, Alex, we're onto it.

He's got long hair.

Oh, the long hair. You know, it's really cool. It's like retro.

He wants to open a donkey sanctuary.

Plus I'm a massive animal lover,

so I'm really on board with the whole donkey sanctuary thing.

Look, you can't just sit here and not buy anything.

And it's awesome how he just sits there

and he doesn't buy anything!

Erm...so, anyway, what's your favourite song?

Got to be Funky Beat Down.

-Love the bonus track.

-The bonus track?

Yeah. You downloaded it, right?

Yeah. Yeah!

The bonus track! How does it go again?

It's like...

HE HUMS BADLY

FLATLY: # Yeah, baby, we gonna have a party

# We're gonna bust some moves

# We're gonna get in the groove

# Gonna get down tonight

# Oh, girl, I'll show you what you mean to me

# Yeah, girl, pretty soon you'll see

# Have some fun... #

Oh, I enjoyed that.

Actually, I really just tend to listen to the instrumental version.

I love the instrumental version!

You really do know your stuff, Alex. I'm glad I came.

Oh, look. There's Craig and Danny's yoga instructor.

I've got to get a photo.

Erm, what are those?

Oh, last year's tickets.

I always keep everything Boyz AZ-1 related, don't you?

Obviously.

(I've got the wrong tickets!)

Abort the mission! I repeat, abort the mission!

Erm...Nicola...

-..about the tickets.

-What about them?

Have you lost them?

Is this all a big joke? I have to see Boyz AZ-1.

No. No, I've got them.

It's, erm, we're in the wrong queue.

Yep, I have special VIP ones, you know? Backstage, the works.

Backstage passes?

Why didn't you say so? Let's go!

-Help me!

-Ah, don't worry, mate.

We'll pull up blueprints to the entire building.

We'll get you backstage. You'll have the best date ever.

Yeah, he's dead.

Still connected, Si.

Where are we going?

I don't understand, this always works in the spy films.

Where are we going?

We're coming, Alex.

-Why? How're we going to help him out there?

-I don't know.

But I for one don't want to miss whatever disaster ensues, do you?

Hello?

Alex?

Short cut.

Whoa!

SMASH!

Why didn't you use the gate?

And what are you doing in the skip?

Erm, uh, I wanted to get this.

I'm one of those mature, sporty types, you know?

Soccer mad.

I once did 40 kick-ups in a row.

It says "no access".

Uh, yeah. That's to non-VIPs.

They have to keep the riffraff out, you know?

Well, good.

Come on, check me out.

-Shouldn't we be looking for Alex?

-No, he's fine. They got in.

Nothing can go wrong now.

Come on, spot me. Five, six, seven,

15, 21...

I still can't believe we're actually backstage!

No. No, neither can I.

25, 27, 31.

-Oh...

-My phone!

HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK

FIRE ALARM BLARES

-Hello?

-It's the fire alarm, you idiot.

Fire! Argh! Fire! Run!

Everyone, out of the building!

SCREAMING

But it's a false alarm. Do something!

-Go on!

-I can't.

Maybe...we can fix it.

No! Stop!

Monsters!

Stupid thing, I never liked it, anyway!

What have you done?

You've ruined the gig.

Now we'll never get to see them. What's wrong with you?

Well?

There never were any tickets.

What?

I never was a fan of Boyz AZ-1.

I made the whole thing up.

You made the... Why?

It was the only way I could get you to go out with me.

You mean, you did all that?

You learnt all those things...

you jumped into a skip...

you broke into the hall...

..just to go out with me?

If you wanted to ask me out, you should have just...

What? What? I should have just what?!

You've blown it.

Again!

Nicola!

-You're wet.

-Yeah, I had noticed, Mads, thanks.

My phone broke.

At least it wasn't your heart.

Cheer up, mate. It was still your best date ever.

Well, technically, it's your only date ever,

but you know what they say.

Plenty more carbon-based life forms in the universe.

Don't talk to me about the universe.

I'm sick of hearing about the universe!

You hear that? I'm sick of it!

I really don't think you should be shouting at the universe, Alex.

Why? What's it going to do? It can hardly make things worse.

Ow!

Oh, man.

Pull it off? Yeah, it's in my eye.

We don't know any girls.

I mean, proper girls.

I forgot the next lines!

-Does he own a tortoise?!

-Calm down!

How am I supposed to know?