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Behold, the secrets of the Dracula clan..
We are vampires.
..as taught by four vampires, and one hideously drooling drudge,
each with their own side of the story to tell.
Also known as Vladdy...
..Vlad, and The Chosen One.
The spiritual leader of the world's vampire clans.
What an honour when I, Bertrand De Fortunesa,
was entrusted with guiding Vlad in fulfilling this destiny.
A momentous responsibility.
And one I wish to share with future vampire generations.
So, I will set down here in this journal...
..an account of the events that shaped Vlad's rise to glory.
And how, under my tutelage, he was an unprecedented success.
In keeping with most vampire clans, the members of the Dracula Family
possess the most abhorrent qualities. Backstabbing treachery...
You devious, conniving witch.
..unscrupulous craving for power...
..and a taste for random acts of cruelty.
The most famous of all vampire dynasties, and absolutely clueless.
Evil, yes. Organised? Definitely not.
When he came to work for the Dracula family,
there were many skills that Bertrand De Fortunesa,
the wise and learned scholar of vampire lore, had to hone in Vlad.
Good work, Vlad.
Not least amongst these, how to be a master of strategy,
a schemer with a plan up his sleeve and the ability to carry it out.
The threat from slayers has always been real,
but the teenage Vlad was reluctant to have an anti-slayer strategy,
because he was convinced he could lead a normal life,
and that slayers and vampires could live in peace.
This is Stokely, they have...zebra crossings.
So, unless you want us to get chased out of town again,
I suggest we make friends with the slayers.
Vampires and slayers can never be friends.
-We're opposites, we're sun and moon, life and death, stake and...
Vlad's obsession with peace meant that he was losing sight
of the need for a clear strategy to combat potential threats.
And however much he might wish it wasn't true,
that included the threat from slayers.
Even when a particularly loathsome
pair of slayers crawled
out of the woodwork at school...
There we are, son. Stokely Grammar.
Blood and garlic!
..Vlad simply stuck his head in the sand.
I'm going to find a way for vampires and breather - sorry, people,
to get along.
No more fighting.
Get ready to fight, weirdo.
-Well, you've certainly got your work cut out.
-Shut up, weirdo number two.
-I won't fight you.
-Good. That makes it easier for me!
Vlad's attitude lacked bite,
and it's all in here, in his not-so-secret secret notebook.
"Another strategy session today with Bertrand. I just don't get it.
"The tricks, the scheming..."
The tricks, the scheming, it does my head in.
Firstly, because what's wrong with honesty, and telling the truth?
Nothing, as far as I'm concerned.
And secondly, no-one needs to tell me about dreaming up plans
I've got a plan.
I've got a plan.
When the situation demands it, I always come up with something.
Leave it to me.
I've got a plan.
A plan is just common sense, isn't it?
Here's the plan. We run away. You two go first.
While they're looking for you, I rescue Robin.
We leave the country and meet up again in Uncle Ivan's place
-and hide out there until the heat's off.
Sometimes, it's about doing a little bit of research.
And sometimes, it's about thinking on your feet.
Like when Dad had been captured by Van Helsing
and handcuffed in his caravan.
You're going to give me the names
and locations of every vampire you know.
Jonno, step outside.
-You can't send him outside.
-He'll miss all the fun.
Dad needed rescuing, and it was down to me to get him out of there.
And all it took was a little hearse-power.
Part one of the plan had run like clockwork.
Create a diversion, and stop Dad from getting staked.
Part two was trickier, mainly because...
..there WAS no part two of the plan.
The element of surprise had given us a little time.
The stake, Jonno! Grab the stake!
But Dad was still in danger of getting a stake through the heart.
Or at the very least...
One of his five a day.
But what I found out is,
if you keep calm, even when everyone else might be losing the plot...
-I told you I should drive.
-You don't know how to drive.
Well, that makes two of us, then.
..then things generally work out OK.
See? All, it took was one disgusting, snotty sneeze
from Renfield, and everything was OK.
What was everyone getting so stressy about?
-Not now, Jonathan, I'm kind of busy.
The hearse is gone!
Something tells me this isn't going to end well.
Shame! And we were having such fun!
Au revoir, mes amis.
Relying on luck, or, even worse, on brainless breathers,
is reckless in troubled times.
And that's why Vlad needed to knuckle down and take my lessons seriously.
However, there is one member of the Dracula clan
who needs no help from anyone when it comes to schemes and strategies.
She's even passing on tips these days, in her video blog.
Sisters, to be a successful vampiress in the modern world,
strategic thinking is vital.
Whether your plan is big or small, think quickly, think clearly,
Always be at least two steps ahead of any simple-minded male
unlucky enough to be in your path.
I started small, initially, making the lives of two inconsequentials...
Is that a coffin?
Yes. Got a problem with that?
I mean, yes!
You won't get away with it, you beautiful freak!
All I want is a coffin.
Is that too much to ask?
Um, Ingrid, it's none of our business, but...
-You're not dying, are you?
Pay attention to this bit, girls. Top quick-thinking moment coming up.
I don't expect I'll be doing much breathing after my 16th birthday.
BOTH: Oh, Ingrid.
Even back then, I was always alert.
They love me, they love me.
They love me, they REALLY love me.
"Ingrid In Need." You're sick.
So it would seem.
I don't believe you, pretending you've got a terminal illness,
just to get a few presents.
Aw, sounds like someone's jealous.
Come on, then. Let's go and make some money.
That's one brave young lady.
There are times of course, though,
when even the best-laid plans end up being overtaken by events.
Who cancelled the gala?
No-one mocks the Van Helsings.
-It's a miracle!
I'm warning you.
Step away from the coffin.
I guess there's no allowing for a deranged woodwork teacher
with a chainsaw, who turns out to be a stake-carrying slayer.
But it's important not to get disheartened.
Remember, there are no such things as failures.
Only lessons to be learnt that will lead to future successes.
And operation Ingrid In Need was nothing compared to
Operation Ingrid In Complete Control Of Her Entire Family And Universe.
It's all about having a vision,
picking your moment and seizing the opportunity.
So, when a visiting netball team arrives at school,
that doesn't just mean a boring sporting fixture
is about to take place.
It means a chance for world domination.
-This isn't the sports hall!
-Oh, my mistake.
All I did was unleash the evil that was already in them.
I mean, have you ever SEEN a netball match?
-What have you done to us?
-Given you a gift.
Made sure you all stay young and beautiful forever.
So! You'll miss your families. Well, get over it.
You know what? They were only going to disappoint you, anyway.
Well, mine have.
It's always hard adjusting to new situations,
but you're doing this for the greater good.
-What greater good?
-Vampiress liberation, of course.
Wear a skirt in my world, and you might as well wear
a sign around your neck saying second class citizen.
It ends today.
The revolution starts right here, right now in this...
But vision and quick-thinking won't be enough on their own.
What you will also need to be is an expert in the powers of persuasion.
To put it simply, that means twisting people's minds.
There's a vampire war coming, Renfield.
-Which side will you be on?
-My place is with the Master.
You're already as loyal as a dog.
Dad will never bite you, no matter how much you beg.
Master WILL make me immortal.
I could do it today.
If you join us.
Come and meet the girls.
Well, what do you think?
Do I get a uniform?
MUSIC: "...Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears
# Oh, baby, baby,
# How was I supposed to know
# That something wasn't right here... #
# Oh, baby, baby,
# I shouldn't have let you go... #
Voila. Renfield twisted around my evil little finger...
And my private army refreshed with the family cellar's finest vintage.
I'm, er... I'm ready, Mistress Ingrid.
Oh. And very important, this next bit.
When you make a deal, especially with an idiot drudge,
break it in the nastiest way possible.
I'm not sticking my fangs in that.
-No, go on, please.
-Get lost, Renfield.
But Master will throw me in a slime pit
when he finds out what I've done.
Hm! This day gets better and better.
She's a wonderfully evil maverick, Ingrid. Ruthless and effective.
How much easier my job would have been
if a girl had been allowed to be...
Well, they aren't. And she's not.
Now more than ever, clear strategic thinking is vital to
survive as a vampire in the modern breather world.
For Vladimir to achieve his destiny,
his strategy needs to be razor-sharp, executed to the letter.
Admittedly, Vlad has an instinctive talent for getting out of trouble,
but it's in need of refining, especially
since his tolerance of breathers makes everything more complicated.
His sister, on the other hand, needs lessons from no-one
when it comes to cunning and devious plans.
As for their father, the Count, sad to say,
when it comes to strategy,
the Count is prone to inconsistency, error, and...
..well, he's far too reliant on his rag-ridden, flea-infested breather.
Les memoirs de Renfield. Chapter 11.
The close bond between my master, Count Dracula,
and myself has actually grown over the years.
The Count knows that he can depend on my loyal service,
and my keen strategic brain.
And I've always enjoyed assisting my master in coming up
with new forms of punishment.
Ah, ow, ow!
-I think you should know that I am in agonising pain.
Mention that again, and I will remove your privileges.
-I don't have any privileges.
-Then I shall find something else to remove.
I think what makes my master cherish me
most is the way he can always call upon me in a crisis.
I'll never forget the occasion
when he had a bit of trouble with the crown of power.
We couldn't fathom it. Everyone who put it on ended up a pile of dust.
Who is going to find themselves third time lucky?
And whose turn was it next?
Well, it's been a long night, we're all tired.
Why don't we get some rest and something to eat,
and I - I'll be crowned tomorrow night, hm?
That's decided, then.
The Master was in a tight spot.
How lucky he was, then, to boast a manservant with the nimble fingers
of a sturgeon, and the cunning of a badger.
I have come up with a foolproof plan to save you.
I have made an exact replica of the Crown of Power.
That is an utterly stup...
With a fake crown,
I can be Grand High Vampire without taking any risks.
Renfield, you're not such a mindless,
slobbering idiot after all.
Oh, thank you, Master!
Another speciality of mine was security.
The setting of a good booby-trap is a delicate skill that only a few
But my finest hour, my piece de resistance,
my legion de d'honneur was...
Renfield! Here, now.
The sun-catch... Oh.
Hold that thought.
Who am I talking to?
Move it, Renfield! These coffin hinges won't oil themselves.
And I need the undead skin between my toes exfoliated.
It's not right.
A once-mighty vampire, happy to rely on a breather for everything.
In dangerous times like these,
we need to take control of our own destiny.
Especially now there are so many hostile factions out there.
Power-hungry adversaries rising up when and where you least expect it.
Not expecting that.
I am Sethius.
The Chosen One.
You can't be.
Vlad is the Chosen One.
-Are you calling me a liar?
Anyone else want crushing?
-Let him go.
You've got guts.
Vlad knew he had a fight on his hands with this deranged
rival on the scene.
But would he have what it takes to outwit him?
Like I say, when I need to, I can come up with a plan.
It wasn't difficult to see that Sethius was one clove
short of a garlic bulb, and was going to cause total chaos.
I have a vision of the future.
A vision of the perfect vampire world.
And I'm here to make it come true.
I will lead us in a war against breathers,
and we'll bite every last one.
With our food all gone, we'll fight one another,
and anarchy will reign supreme.
The ultimate state of evil will have been achieved!
Ha ha ha ha!
That's what the old vampires thought, in my day.
So they locked me up in the book.
But now I'm out, and the fun can begin.
I had to stop him.
No hanging around to discover if we had the same definition of fun.
-We need to play for time.
Let's finish him now!
He's a maniac, but he's not stupid. We need to take him by surprise.
I'll need you to build me a sun-catcher, and I'll keep him
occupied till the sun comes up, and then we can make our move.
Where was I? Oh, yes. The sun-catcher. My finest invention.
Combining a thorough knowledge of the theories of physics,
an encyclopaedic understanding of geometry,
and a hefty helping of total guesswork...
..and eventually, my masterwork was complete.
Now, this isn't something you find yourself saying every day, but...
when it came to the sun-catcher, what Renfield did was total genius.
The sun-catcher? Completely...overrated.
What really saved the day was the sense of clear-headed logic
and strategic planning I'd instilled in Vlad.
What happened next was a triumph for the wise
counsel of Bertrand De Fortunesa.
Start here, and bite our way south.
It'll be fun watching them scrambling for the boats,
crawling over each other, trying to escape.
Some of them will get away, but most of them will fall to our fangs.
It's nearly sunrise. If we can keep him
busy till first light at six, we can let Mother Nature take him down.
-But how are you going to get him outside?
I'm bringing the sunshine in.
At dawn, a shaft of light will hit the school crest, here.
But how are you going to get Sethius to be on this exact spot at that
Many fangs make light work.
Then it was time for the really tricky bit.
Getting everyone to cooperate.
I'm not like Sethius.
I want vampires and humans to live together in peace.
Is this what you want?
Carnage and chaos? You tried that in Stokely, and look how that ended.
You can help him with his master plan, and everyone dies.
Or, you can help me.
We need blood, but this is the 21st century.
We can set up blood banks to feed vampires all over the world.
No more biting, no more slaying.
You want power, not annihilation.
Work with me, and I'll give you the status you've always craved.
-You're really going to stop Sethius?
-I'm going to try.
Are you with me?
Tell us what you need us to do.
Talk about a first!
Ingrid, Dad and Bertrand working together, with the slayers. Result.
-All in position.
Remember, wait for my signal.
It was a time for cool heads.
For not panicking.
For a little bit of cooperation, for once.
For some acting from Dad.
My dear Sethius...
My family would like to show our support for your...
vision to create anarchy, by presenting you
with your first breather to bite.
-No, Vlad, please let me go!
-Take her as a token of our respect.
This is more like it.
Was it really necessary for all that unpleasantness?
We're finally on the same page.
The one here that says I have the power.
And I think it was your blood that filled in the first page, here.
So, it's only fitting that you're the first one to go.
CLOCK CHIMES SIX
Every story has a beginning, and every breather has an ending.
Ah, ha ha ha!
Did you really think I was so stupid? No-one beats Sethius!
Thanks to me and my invention,
the Master, and Master Vlad, were safe.
Thanks to a little bit of teamwork,
my hopes of living in peace with breathers were still in one piece.
Thanks to me and my tuition,
there was one less power-crazy maniac about the place.
One of the toughest challenges facing the Chosen One is getting
the Dracula family working in unison,
demanding the most developed powers of planning and strategy,
and made all the harder by Vlad's insistence on peace
between slayers and vampires.
To succeed, the Chosen One needs to harness the evil
and deadly potential his whole family have to offer,
and, from experience, that is easier said than done.
And just when it looked like this shouty Sethius fellow was going
to cast a shadow of depraved misery,
it was I, Renfield,
who rallied to save the Dracula family for generations yet unborn.
And just as well I did, because, well, let me tell you,
the rest of them - hah!
-Ingrid and Bertrand, too busy looking after themselves as usual.
Vlad, too wishy-washy, obviously.
And the Count.
Well, what can you say about the Count?
He's no spring chicken, bless 'im.
And it is well known that once a vampire reaches 600 -
and he's a little bit over 600 - they do lose their speed of thought.
Is it me or is it...cold in here all of a sudden?
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd