Romance Young Dracula Files


Romance

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'Behold the secrets of the Dracula Clan...'

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We are vampires!

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'..as told by four vampires and one hideously drooling drudge,

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'each with their own side of the story to tell.

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Vladimir Dracula.

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-'Also known as Vladdy...'

-Yes!

-'..Vlad and The Chosen One.'

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The spiritual leader of the world's vampire clans.

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'What an honour when I, Bertrand De Fortunesa,

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'was entrusted with guiding Vlad in fulfilling this destiny.

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'A momentous responsibility...'

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..and one I wish to share with future vampire generations.

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So, I will set down here in this journal...

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'..an account of the events that shaped Vlad's rise to glory.'

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Agh-urgh!

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And how, under my tutelage, it was an unprecedented success.

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'In keeping with most vampire clans, the members of the Dracula Family

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'possess the most abhorrent qualities -

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-'back-stabbing treachery...'

-You devious, conniving witch!

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'..unscrupulous craving for power...'

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THROATY LAUGH

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'..and a taste for random acts of cruelty.'

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-EAR CRUNCHES

-Agh!

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'In short, everything you could possibly hope for

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'in a bunch of undead black-hearted vampires.

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And from this truly despicable family has arisen The Chosen One -

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Vladimir Dracula, a vampire with a glorious destiny.

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But to achieve it, it was crucial that Vlad remained focused, resolute

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and immune to distraction.

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Hmm. Some hope of that!

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Many obstacles have stood in the way of young Vlad's path to glory.

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'None more so than the tightly-closed covers

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'of the fabled Book of Knowledge

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'entrusted to my safekeeping.'

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Vladimir Dracula,

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it is my solemn duty and honour

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to present you with...

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..the Praedictum Impaver.

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Let it circulate through every nerve and channel.

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THE BOOK GROWLS

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Now push that power outwards towards the book.

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-COUNT:

-Mmm. Mm-hm.

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-That's it. Well done, Vladdy!

-Keep going.

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'Only The Chosen One has the power

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'to finally prise the book open.'

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At last, we'll see how you lead us into the future.

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'But it just wasn't happening.'

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VLAD SIGHS

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Very frustrating.

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HE SIGHS

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Everything seemed to be in place to ensure the opening of the book.

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'After all, Vlad's newly-acquired psychic powers

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'had been fine tuned by the finest tuition

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'the vampire world has to offer.'

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Good work. 'It should've been relatively simple.'

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You've got the raw power, I can sense it.

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Something's distracting you. What?

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The challenge for the tutor was

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to pinpoint exactly where the problem lay.

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'What, or more to the point who,

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'was it that was starting to occupy

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'Vlad's every waking thought?'

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Vlad! You saved me!

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'And even his dreams, too.'

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'I suppose I should've guessed.'

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Vlad?

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'The answer was...'

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the anaemic half-fang.

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Or should I say breather?

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Or, more correctly, the treacherous, two-faced slayer.

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'For Vlad, life in the 21st century

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'presented many challenging distractions and his conviction

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'that vampires and breathers could live together in peace

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'made him especially vulnerable.'

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Because living in peace with breathers wasn't enough.

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Oh, no!

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'Vlad had to go all sentimental

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'with this particular slayer.'

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DOOR CLOSES LOUDLY

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If you'd like...

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maybe you and me could go into town?

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Not like on a date or anything...

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Unless... unless you want to.

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-Are you asking me out?

-No.

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Yeah.

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Yeah!

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-I'll meet you by the gates at eight o'clock.

-OK!

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Cool.

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'Fortunately for Vlad,

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'these lapses in focus were kept in check by his wise tutor,

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'whose guidance and support

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'were needed to stop the mightiest vampire in history

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'from mooning about

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'like your average love-staked breather.'

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You've got to be the sweetest vampire

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-in the world.

-Er...

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Let's face it, there's not much competition.

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'Getting inside Vlad's head isn't easy.'

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Luckily for me, he poured his heart out into a secret notebook.

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"It's no good, I can't deny it..."

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It's no good, I can't deny it.

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Well, I could, but it won't stop this...

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panicky churning feeling every time I see her. Erin's different.

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There, I said it.

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Erin's special.

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'That's not to say there haven't been other girls.'

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Hey! It's my first day here.

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Could you show me the way to reception?

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My problem has been that the dating thing,

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and the having the Prince of Darkness for a father thing,

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have never really gone hand-in-hand.

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FINGERS CLICK

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-Watcha?

-Huh?!

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-How does this sunbed work, then?

-Hmm...

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Allow me to demonstrate.

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Dad, no!

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-Oi!

-That's Delilah, she's a friend from school.

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Oh, and already you've got her into a coffin!

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You dark horse! Ha-ha!

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Even the so-called perks never really worked out.

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Take Renfield's irresistible vampire perfume.

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Got to be a plus, right?

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Wrong. Wrong in so many ways.

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MUSIC PLAYS

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So it turns out Delilah didn't fancy either of us.

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Not yet she doesn't!

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Vlad!

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-Let's do it.

-Careful, this is really strong stuff.

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SMASH!

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Great, now look what you've done!

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Hey, boys!

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BOTH: Hey.

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GIRLS SCREAM

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Come on, ladies, one at a time, please!

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'You know what they say about

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'too much of a good thing?' Run!

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SCREAMING CONTINUES

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'Well, this is probably

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'the kind of thing they had in mind.'

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And things were to get worse before they got better.

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Or, at any rate...smellier.

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-Hurry up!

-Right, er...

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Cat food, monkey droppings, rotten eggs, which one?

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Just mix them all together. Come on, Vlad, faster!

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SCREAMING, BANGING ON DOOR Hurry up!

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-SNIFFS:

-Eugh!

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SCREAMING AND BANGING ON DOOR CONTINUES

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ALL: Eugh!

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You two are such losers!

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'It's no wonder, then,

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'that first dates make me anxious.

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Just because you're The Chosen One doesn't mean

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'you don't get pre-date nerves. And that's what happened with Erin.'

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'Mmm.'

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'This Erin was starting to become a problem

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'and Vlad's focus was all over the place.'

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Given the circumstances, it may have appeared cruel,

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"young love, etc, etc,"

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but my task as Vlad's trusted adviser was to eliminate any distractions.

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And if that meant being ruthless, so be it.

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-Erin? Did you get the message?

-No.

-Oh?

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-It's about meeting Vlad. Can you meet him on the balcony instead?

-Yeah, OK.

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Thanks.

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My pleasure.

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'This was no time for sentiment.

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'Opening the Praedictum Impaver

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'was paramount, whatever or whoever the cost.'

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Vlad?

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DOOR OPENS

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'Erin has led us to believe that she had been bitten and was one of us.

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'Well...a half-fang at least.

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'Since we hadn't discovered

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'her true double-crossing colours at that point,

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'I was confident that locking her on the balcony until dawn came

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'would see this so-called vampire burnt to a crisp.'

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Sunrise...and then you're toast.

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DOOR IS LOCKED, SHE GASPS

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HER BREATH QUICKENS

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'Next on my agenda was manipulating Ingrid into playing her part.'

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I suppose you know that she's gone to see her breather ex?

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Stood up, because she was meeting her ex,

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or so I was told by my oh, so sinister sister.

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Those half-fangs can't ever quite let go of the breather thing.

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It's all for the best. She'd have dumped you soon enough anyway.

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-'And as for Vlad?'

-Thanks, Ingrid.

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'He'd get over her soon. So I thought.'

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-Who is this ex?! She never mentioned an ex!

-Let the strength flow.

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Why didn't she tell me herself?

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-You must banish all thoughts of Erin and focus!

-I can't!

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It's doing my head in! She must've known I'd rather hear it from her!

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'I just didn't get it.'

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It felt like a kick in the teeth.

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Vlad?

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'Until I discovered what was really happening.' Erin?

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Someone locked me out!

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The sun, Vladimir, you won't make it!

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HE GASPS, LOUD SIZZLING

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Agh! I'm on fire!

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-I'll say!

-No, really!

-Oh!

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HE WINCES AND GASPS

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'Turns out she hadn't stood me up at all.

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'But who would try to make it look like she had?'

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Why did you tell Erin to meet me on the balcony?

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-I was passing on a message.

-From who?

-Ingrid.

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I don't know what you mean.

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You don't remember telling me Erin had gone off with her ex-boyfriend?

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Yes, but I was just messing with you.

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-It was the Bertrand that told me.

-No, I didn't.

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Now, why would you say that?

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Can't you see what's right in front of you?

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It's Bertrand - he's the one pulling the strings around here!

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Stop lying to get yourself out of trouble!

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'Bertrand pulling the strings?

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'Nice phrase - I like the sound of that.'

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Where was I?

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Oh, yeah! Distractions.

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It's a problem, and dating while preparing

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to become the world's most powerful vampire doesn't bode well.

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To assail vampiric heights requires focus, application and discipline -

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not snogging an annoying, two-faced slayer!

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'The truth is that, when Bertrand de Fortunesa arrived to mentor Vlad,

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'he discovered that a lack of discipline had been an issue

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'throughout his formative years.'

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Like father, like son.

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Hardly surprising that Vlad has such a thing for breathers

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when you consider the example he's been set!

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Would you mind?

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Everything all right?

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Everything is practically perfect.

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No!

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Let me!

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'A vampire castle where breathers are made perfectly welcome?

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-'and not just as snacks!'

-Why don't we leave you the tray?

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'Positively unnatural!

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'And the Count's obsession with breathers shows no sign of stopping!

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'The latest in a long line is a certain Ms McCauley.'

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'Will the Count ever learn?

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'I fear not.'

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HE HUMS TO HIMSELF

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Renfield? Take a letter.

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-To Scarlett Corpuscle, Agony Aunt...

-Not again!

-The Vampire Times!

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Dear Scarlett, I have a problem. I have feelings for a breather

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and she's seemingly immune to my affections.

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Immune to my infections.

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What a curse it is to be held hostage by passions this intense...

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..by a possum in a tent...

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'How to win her currently beating heart?

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-'I've tried everything!

-With a little help from me!'

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FLIES BUZZ

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'Flowers...

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-'..chocolates!

-Not just any chocolates either!

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'A delicious selection box of anchovy and frog-eye squidgems,

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'made by my fair hand.'

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'I utilised the power of the written word.

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"I'm watching you.

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"I'm mad.

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"I'm coming for you."

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'Oh, pure poetry!'

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It's a mystery to me, Master, how she resisted for so long.

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I mean, you pulled out all the stops, with my assistance, of course.

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Someone at this school has started a hate campaign against me.

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I've received things.

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A dead rose, a threatening letter. Chocolates covered in slime.

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I'll have to hold an assembly, talk to the kids, write to the parents.

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I don't take any of this seriously, but there are rules to follow.

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-That may not be necessary.

-Why not?

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-I know who sent you those...things.

-Do you? Who?

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HE SIGHS

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It was...m...

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..Renfield!

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-Renfield?

-I'm afraid he's developed a bit of a crush on you. He said...

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..you were the most...beautiful...

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..captivating, alluring woman...

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ever to have trod this Earth.

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He said that?

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-Mmm, well, in his own words, obviously.

-Renfield?

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Of course! Oh, who else would be insane enough to think

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anyone could possibly like all those disgusting things?

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'One bite and we could be sharing immortality!

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'But how to entice her

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'to leave behind a world of pie charts and progress reports,

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'to wallow in a bloodbath of eternal chaos?'

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All suggestions welcome. Count Dracula.

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Now, deliver this as a matter of urgency, Renfield.

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I'll wait in the hall for cobweb inspection. I fear you're slacking

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and I will not have this place looking like a show home.

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He's not the only one who's driven wild by lonely longing, is he?

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I mean...am I not a man?

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Do I not have blood coursing through my veins?

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More than he does, at any rate.

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Hmm! 'There have been near misses.' BELL RINGS

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Didn't you hear me? No...

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-DEEP VOICE:

-Why, hello. I'm a lady carpenter

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and I happened to hear that you have a table

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that needs mending in these parts?

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May I come in?

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Oh...?!

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Where are my manners?

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Allow me.

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'Oh, the elusive might-have-beens!'

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GIGGLING

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Any chance of a glass of water? I'm parched!

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'Sweet enchantment that could've been mine.'

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It would be nice to...

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have something all to myself for once.

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THEY GIGGLE

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BERTRAND: 'It's a deplorable state of affairs.

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'The tolerance of breathers in the Dracula household is shocking.

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'The open pursuit of breather females.

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'The employment of a breather manservant,

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'a totally useless breather manservant.

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'Even the black-hearted, evil tongued daughter

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'wasn't immune to the lure of a pulse beater.

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-Happy birthday.

-Aw!

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'A stance she nowadays tries to justify

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'in her so-called self-help video vlog.'

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Tired of centuries of inequality?

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Fed up with the boys getting all the fun? What you need

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is Ingrid Dracula's Self-Help Guide for the Modern Vampiress.

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Sisters, in our struggle for equality in the vampire world,

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we must use whatever weapons come to hand.

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And if that means exploiting the odd pathetic breather boy or two,

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I say go for it.

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Listen to me, meat face!

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Swear by all that is morbidly evil

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not to tell anyone about us

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on pain of a long and gruesome death!

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-You're very pretty.

-Yes, I am.

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'Treat them mean.'

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Aw! You shouldn't have.

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No, really!

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You shouldn't have.

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'Then treat them even meaner.

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'In short, make their every day a living, breathing hell!'

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Thank you, boys. Just down here will be fine.

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Not you, the bag! Go on, scram!

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Of course, when it comes to totally ruining the lives

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of the opposite sex, I've had quite the role model to look up to,

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'in the despicable shape of Magda,

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'my mother.'

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Prepare to be dust, you two-timing traitor!

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Eat garlic, you pathetic toad!

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'She's self-obsessed...'

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-Your skin...is too pink!

-'..she's two-faced...'

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Your fangs are too short.

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You're so...fat...

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we could carpet the castle

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with one of your enormous dresses!

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-Ha-ha!

-Yes, and we can sand-blast the stonework

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with a whiff of your wormy soil breath!

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I hate you!

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I hate you more!

0:21:200:21:22

-'She's a devious, manipulative...'

-Fire!

0:21:220:21:25

'..witch!'

0:21:250:21:27

But those aren't her only fabulous qualities.

0:21:270:21:30

She knows how to twist men around her evil little finger, too.

0:21:300:21:34

I haven't felt this undead for ages!

0:21:390:21:44

Yup, when it comes to getting boys to fall gibbering at your feet,

0:21:440:21:48

I've been taught by quite an expert.

0:21:480:21:51

Hi, boys.

0:21:510:21:53

-What've we done?

-Nothing! I've just been thinking.

0:21:530:21:57

-Maybe I will go to the disco with one of you.

-Really?!

0:21:570:22:00

-Who?

-Depends who wants it the most.

0:22:000:22:02

Right now, I've got a pile of ironing that needs doing.

0:22:020:22:06

The iron's in the kitchen.

0:22:060:22:08

But while most breather boys are spineless losers

0:22:130:22:16

not worth blunting your fangs on, that's not always true.

0:22:160:22:21

'On very rare occasions, you might find one who's different

0:22:250:22:28

'and then keeping everything under control becomes harder.'

0:22:280:22:33

Safe, Ingrid.

0:22:350:22:36

No-one is safe!

0:22:360:22:39

And no-one makes me look...

0:22:390:22:42

..makes me look...

0:22:430:22:45

'For a start, if you fancy a breather boy,

0:22:450:22:48

'your vampiric powers of hypnotism are suddenly useless.

0:22:480:22:52

Ingrid... are you all right?

0:22:550:22:58

'It can be a bit of a shock to the system.'

0:22:580:23:01

Oh-agh!

0:23:010:23:02

Whoa, what just happened?

0:23:040:23:06

Nothing! Nothing happened, all right?!

0:23:060:23:09

This is the bit where it can get tricky.

0:23:090:23:12

'Handsome young breather boy. Nice hair, bright eyes...'

0:23:120:23:17

Agh! Oh...

0:23:170:23:19

'..and eight pints of fresh blood pulsing through his veins.'

0:23:190:23:24

SHE SNIFFS

0:23:240:23:26

-Oh, Will!

-It's OK, I'll live.

-I don't want to look!

0:23:260:23:30

-It's only a drop of blood.

-You don't understand, you have to leave!

0:23:300:23:34

-Who'd have thought you'd be squeamish about a tiny drop of...?

-Go! Now!

0:23:340:23:38

'You can guess the rest.'

0:23:440:23:47

There's something you should know about me.

0:23:480:23:51

Mmm?

0:23:510:23:52

I'm a vampire.

0:23:520:23:54

OK.

0:23:540:23:55

No, really, I am a vampire.

0:23:570:23:59

Oh, I, er... I believe you.

0:24:010:24:03

HE SNIGGERS

0:24:030:24:05

SCREAMING

0:24:110:24:14

Where are you going?!

0:24:140:24:15

As far away from you as I can get!

0:24:150:24:17

'I bit Will. He became a vampire.

0:24:170:24:20

'And for one brief moment,

0:24:200:24:23

'I really thought I might be...happy.'

0:24:230:24:27

But all it took was one trigger-happy slayer

0:24:270:24:30

to put an end to all that.

0:24:300:24:32

-Will!

-Agh!

0:24:340:24:35

'Poor Will thought he was indestructible, but he wasn't.

0:24:420:24:46

Losing Will made me mad.

0:24:480:24:51

Not literally mad, although, actually...

0:24:510:24:55

Watch me as I avenge Will's death

0:24:550:24:58

and make the streets of Stokely run red with blood!

0:24:580:25:02

THROATY LAUGH

0:25:020:25:05

OK, I went on a blood-crazed rampage through the streets of Stokely,

0:25:050:25:08

betrayed my family and left my brother for dead. But I was upset!

0:25:080:25:12

So that's where cosying up and using a breather as a blanket gets you.

0:25:130:25:17

Hmm.

0:25:170:25:18

'To sum up, the modern world is a perilous place for the vampires.'

0:25:180:25:24

Ingrid fell in with a breather,

0:25:260:25:28

who became a half-fang and then became a pile of ash.

0:25:280:25:31

Then she lost her mind and tried to wipe out half of Stokely

0:25:310:25:35

and her entire family. This is yet another example

0:25:350:25:39

of why vampires and breathers aren't a good combination.

0:25:390:25:43

Something The Count should know by now.

0:25:430:25:46

There is no place for romantic attachments with breathers.

0:25:460:25:50

Especially in the case of 600-years-olds,

0:25:500:25:52

who, quite frankly, should be long enough in the fang to know better.

0:25:520:25:56

Breathers are clingy, sentimental and needy creatures.

0:25:560:26:03

And, as far as Bertrand De Fortunesa is concerned,

0:26:050:26:09

the Dracula family would be better off without the lot of them.

0:26:090:26:13

No exceptions.

0:26:150:26:16

To the Manservant Times Quarterly.

0:26:210:26:26

For the attention of...

0:26:280:26:31

Cringe Forelockly, Agony Uncle.

0:26:310:26:35

'Dear Cringe, my name is Renfield.

0:26:350:26:38

'I am the manservant of a professional gentleman

0:26:380:26:42

'who specialises in night work.'

0:26:420:26:44

I need your advice.

0:26:440:26:46

I'm looking for a female breather.

0:26:470:26:50

No, no, that's not it.

0:26:500:26:52

Ah!

0:26:520:26:54

I'm looking for a lovely lady

0:26:540:26:58

to enjoy the more...

0:26:580:27:01

horrible things in life with.

0:27:010:27:03

'My busy schedule makes finding such a creature difficult.

0:27:050:27:08

'Away from my 22-hour working day,

0:27:080:27:11

'my hobbies include needlework, leech shredding

0:27:110:27:15

'and experimental cuisine.'

0:27:150:27:16

A nice bit of rat in cockroach sauce.

0:27:160:27:19

'I dream of sharing friendship,

0:27:190:27:21

'bad times and nice frocks.

0:27:210:27:24

'Oh, a love of music would be a bonus.

0:27:240:27:28

'A poor sense of smell...'

0:27:280:27:30

PARP! '..is essential.'

0:27:300:27:31

I await your reply with sweaty-palmed expectation.

0:27:310:27:37

Yours, etc, etc... Renfield!

0:27:370:27:41

-COUNT:

-Renfield?! The wolf hair bunging up this plughole

0:27:410:27:46

isn't going to unblock itself!

0:27:460:27:49

One day, mon brave.

0:27:510:27:53

One day.

0:27:530:27:55

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