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'Behold the secrets of the Dracula Clan...'
We are vampires!
'..as told by four vampires and one hideously drooling drudge,
'each with their own side of the story to tell.
-'Also known as Vladdy...'
-'..Vlad and The Chosen One.'
The spiritual leader of the world's vampire clans.
'What an honour when I, Bertrand De Fortunesa,
'was entrusted with guiding Vlad in fulfilling this destiny.
'A momentous responsibility...'
..and one I wish to share with future vampire generations.
So, I will set down here in this journal...
'..an account of the events that shaped Vlad's rise to glory.'
And how, under my tutelage, it was an unprecedented success.
'In keeping with most vampire clans, the members of the Dracula Family
'possess the most abhorrent qualities -
-You devious, conniving witch!
'..unscrupulous craving for power...'
'..and a taste for random acts of cruelty.'
'In short, everything you could possibly hope for
'in a bunch of undead black-hearted vampires.
And from this truly despicable family has arisen The Chosen One -
Vladimir Dracula, a vampire with a glorious destiny.
But to achieve it, it was crucial that Vlad remained focused, resolute
and immune to distraction.
Hmm. Some hope of that!
Many obstacles have stood in the way of young Vlad's path to glory.
'None more so than the tightly-closed covers
'of the fabled Book of Knowledge
'entrusted to my safekeeping.'
it is my solemn duty and honour
to present you with...
..the Praedictum Impaver.
Let it circulate through every nerve and channel.
THE BOOK GROWLS
Now push that power outwards towards the book.
-That's it. Well done, Vladdy!
'Only The Chosen One has the power
'to finally prise the book open.'
At last, we'll see how you lead us into the future.
'But it just wasn't happening.'
Everything seemed to be in place to ensure the opening of the book.
'After all, Vlad's newly-acquired psychic powers
'had been fine tuned by the finest tuition
'the vampire world has to offer.'
Good work. 'It should've been relatively simple.'
You've got the raw power, I can sense it.
Something's distracting you. What?
The challenge for the tutor was
to pinpoint exactly where the problem lay.
'What, or more to the point who,
'was it that was starting to occupy
'Vlad's every waking thought?'
Vlad! You saved me!
'And even his dreams, too.'
'I suppose I should've guessed.'
'The answer was...'
the anaemic half-fang.
Or should I say breather?
Or, more correctly, the treacherous, two-faced slayer.
'For Vlad, life in the 21st century
'presented many challenging distractions and his conviction
'that vampires and breathers could live together in peace
'made him especially vulnerable.'
Because living in peace with breathers wasn't enough.
'Vlad had to go all sentimental
'with this particular slayer.'
DOOR CLOSES LOUDLY
If you'd like...
maybe you and me could go into town?
Not like on a date or anything...
Unless... unless you want to.
-Are you asking me out?
-I'll meet you by the gates at eight o'clock.
'Fortunately for Vlad,
'these lapses in focus were kept in check by his wise tutor,
'whose guidance and support
'were needed to stop the mightiest vampire in history
'from mooning about
'like your average love-staked breather.'
You've got to be the sweetest vampire
-in the world.
Let's face it, there's not much competition.
'Getting inside Vlad's head isn't easy.'
Luckily for me, he poured his heart out into a secret notebook.
"It's no good, I can't deny it..."
It's no good, I can't deny it.
Well, I could, but it won't stop this...
panicky churning feeling every time I see her. Erin's different.
There, I said it.
'That's not to say there haven't been other girls.'
Hey! It's my first day here.
Could you show me the way to reception?
My problem has been that the dating thing,
and the having the Prince of Darkness for a father thing,
have never really gone hand-in-hand.
-How does this sunbed work, then?
Allow me to demonstrate.
-That's Delilah, she's a friend from school.
Oh, and already you've got her into a coffin!
You dark horse! Ha-ha!
Even the so-called perks never really worked out.
Take Renfield's irresistible vampire perfume.
Got to be a plus, right?
Wrong. Wrong in so many ways.
So it turns out Delilah didn't fancy either of us.
Not yet she doesn't!
-Let's do it.
-Careful, this is really strong stuff.
Great, now look what you've done!
Come on, ladies, one at a time, please!
'You know what they say about
'too much of a good thing?' Run!
'Well, this is probably
'the kind of thing they had in mind.'
And things were to get worse before they got better.
Or, at any rate...smellier.
Cat food, monkey droppings, rotten eggs, which one?
Just mix them all together. Come on, Vlad, faster!
SCREAMING, BANGING ON DOOR Hurry up!
SCREAMING AND BANGING ON DOOR CONTINUES
You two are such losers!
'It's no wonder, then,
'that first dates make me anxious.
Just because you're The Chosen One doesn't mean
'you don't get pre-date nerves. And that's what happened with Erin.'
'This Erin was starting to become a problem
'and Vlad's focus was all over the place.'
Given the circumstances, it may have appeared cruel,
"young love, etc, etc,"
but my task as Vlad's trusted adviser was to eliminate any distractions.
And if that meant being ruthless, so be it.
-Erin? Did you get the message?
-It's about meeting Vlad. Can you meet him on the balcony instead?
'This was no time for sentiment.
'Opening the Praedictum Impaver
'was paramount, whatever or whoever the cost.'
'Erin has led us to believe that she had been bitten and was one of us.
'Well...a half-fang at least.
'Since we hadn't discovered
'her true double-crossing colours at that point,
'I was confident that locking her on the balcony until dawn came
'would see this so-called vampire burnt to a crisp.'
Sunrise...and then you're toast.
DOOR IS LOCKED, SHE GASPS
HER BREATH QUICKENS
'Next on my agenda was manipulating Ingrid into playing her part.'
I suppose you know that she's gone to see her breather ex?
Stood up, because she was meeting her ex,
or so I was told by my oh, so sinister sister.
Those half-fangs can't ever quite let go of the breather thing.
It's all for the best. She'd have dumped you soon enough anyway.
-'And as for Vlad?'
'He'd get over her soon. So I thought.'
-Who is this ex?! She never mentioned an ex!
-Let the strength flow.
Why didn't she tell me herself?
-You must banish all thoughts of Erin and focus!
It's doing my head in! She must've known I'd rather hear it from her!
'I just didn't get it.'
It felt like a kick in the teeth.
'Until I discovered what was really happening.' Erin?
Someone locked me out!
The sun, Vladimir, you won't make it!
HE GASPS, LOUD SIZZLING
Agh! I'm on fire!
HE WINCES AND GASPS
'Turns out she hadn't stood me up at all.
'But who would try to make it look like she had?'
Why did you tell Erin to meet me on the balcony?
-I was passing on a message.
I don't know what you mean.
You don't remember telling me Erin had gone off with her ex-boyfriend?
Yes, but I was just messing with you.
-It was the Bertrand that told me.
-No, I didn't.
Now, why would you say that?
Can't you see what's right in front of you?
It's Bertrand - he's the one pulling the strings around here!
Stop lying to get yourself out of trouble!
'Bertrand pulling the strings?
'Nice phrase - I like the sound of that.'
Where was I?
Oh, yeah! Distractions.
It's a problem, and dating while preparing
to become the world's most powerful vampire doesn't bode well.
To assail vampiric heights requires focus, application and discipline -
not snogging an annoying, two-faced slayer!
'The truth is that, when Bertrand de Fortunesa arrived to mentor Vlad,
'he discovered that a lack of discipline had been an issue
'throughout his formative years.'
Like father, like son.
Hardly surprising that Vlad has such a thing for breathers
when you consider the example he's been set!
Would you mind?
Everything all right?
Everything is practically perfect.
'A vampire castle where breathers are made perfectly welcome?
-'and not just as snacks!'
-Why don't we leave you the tray?
'And the Count's obsession with breathers shows no sign of stopping!
'The latest in a long line is a certain Ms McCauley.'
'Will the Count ever learn?
'I fear not.'
HE HUMS TO HIMSELF
Renfield? Take a letter.
-To Scarlett Corpuscle, Agony Aunt...
-The Vampire Times!
Dear Scarlett, I have a problem. I have feelings for a breather
and she's seemingly immune to my affections.
Immune to my infections.
What a curse it is to be held hostage by passions this intense...
..by a possum in a tent...
'How to win her currently beating heart?
-'I've tried everything!
-With a little help from me!'
-Not just any chocolates either!
'A delicious selection box of anchovy and frog-eye squidgems,
'made by my fair hand.'
'I utilised the power of the written word.
"I'm watching you.
"I'm coming for you."
'Oh, pure poetry!'
It's a mystery to me, Master, how she resisted for so long.
I mean, you pulled out all the stops, with my assistance, of course.
Someone at this school has started a hate campaign against me.
I've received things.
A dead rose, a threatening letter. Chocolates covered in slime.
I'll have to hold an assembly, talk to the kids, write to the parents.
I don't take any of this seriously, but there are rules to follow.
-That may not be necessary.
-I know who sent you those...things.
-Do you? Who?
-I'm afraid he's developed a bit of a crush on you. He said...
..you were the most...beautiful...
..captivating, alluring woman...
ever to have trod this Earth.
He said that?
-Mmm, well, in his own words, obviously.
Of course! Oh, who else would be insane enough to think
anyone could possibly like all those disgusting things?
'One bite and we could be sharing immortality!
'But how to entice her
'to leave behind a world of pie charts and progress reports,
'to wallow in a bloodbath of eternal chaos?'
All suggestions welcome. Count Dracula.
Now, deliver this as a matter of urgency, Renfield.
I'll wait in the hall for cobweb inspection. I fear you're slacking
and I will not have this place looking like a show home.
He's not the only one who's driven wild by lonely longing, is he?
I mean...am I not a man?
Do I not have blood coursing through my veins?
More than he does, at any rate.
Hmm! 'There have been near misses.' BELL RINGS
Didn't you hear me? No...
-Why, hello. I'm a lady carpenter
and I happened to hear that you have a table
that needs mending in these parts?
May I come in?
Where are my manners?
'Oh, the elusive might-have-beens!'
Any chance of a glass of water? I'm parched!
'Sweet enchantment that could've been mine.'
It would be nice to...
have something all to myself for once.
BERTRAND: 'It's a deplorable state of affairs.
'The tolerance of breathers in the Dracula household is shocking.
'The open pursuit of breather females.
'The employment of a breather manservant,
'a totally useless breather manservant.
'Even the black-hearted, evil tongued daughter
'wasn't immune to the lure of a pulse beater.
'A stance she nowadays tries to justify
'in her so-called self-help video vlog.'
Tired of centuries of inequality?
Fed up with the boys getting all the fun? What you need
is Ingrid Dracula's Self-Help Guide for the Modern Vampiress.
Sisters, in our struggle for equality in the vampire world,
we must use whatever weapons come to hand.
And if that means exploiting the odd pathetic breather boy or two,
I say go for it.
Listen to me, meat face!
Swear by all that is morbidly evil
not to tell anyone about us
on pain of a long and gruesome death!
-You're very pretty.
-Yes, I am.
'Treat them mean.'
Aw! You shouldn't have.
You shouldn't have.
'Then treat them even meaner.
'In short, make their every day a living, breathing hell!'
Thank you, boys. Just down here will be fine.
Not you, the bag! Go on, scram!
Of course, when it comes to totally ruining the lives
of the opposite sex, I've had quite the role model to look up to,
'in the despicable shape of Magda,
Prepare to be dust, you two-timing traitor!
Eat garlic, you pathetic toad!
-Your skin...is too pink!
Your fangs are too short.
we could carpet the castle
with one of your enormous dresses!
-Yes, and we can sand-blast the stonework
with a whiff of your wormy soil breath!
I hate you!
I hate you more!
-'She's a devious, manipulative...'
But those aren't her only fabulous qualities.
She knows how to twist men around her evil little finger, too.
I haven't felt this undead for ages!
Yup, when it comes to getting boys to fall gibbering at your feet,
I've been taught by quite an expert.
-What've we done?
-Nothing! I've just been thinking.
-Maybe I will go to the disco with one of you.
-Depends who wants it the most.
Right now, I've got a pile of ironing that needs doing.
The iron's in the kitchen.
But while most breather boys are spineless losers
not worth blunting your fangs on, that's not always true.
'On very rare occasions, you might find one who's different
'and then keeping everything under control becomes harder.'
No-one is safe!
And no-one makes me look...
..makes me look...
'For a start, if you fancy a breather boy,
'your vampiric powers of hypnotism are suddenly useless.
Ingrid... are you all right?
'It can be a bit of a shock to the system.'
Whoa, what just happened?
Nothing! Nothing happened, all right?!
This is the bit where it can get tricky.
'Handsome young breather boy. Nice hair, bright eyes...'
'..and eight pints of fresh blood pulsing through his veins.'
-It's OK, I'll live.
-I don't want to look!
-It's only a drop of blood.
-You don't understand, you have to leave!
-Who'd have thought you'd be squeamish about a tiny drop of...?
'You can guess the rest.'
There's something you should know about me.
I'm a vampire.
No, really, I am a vampire.
Oh, I, er... I believe you.
Where are you going?!
As far away from you as I can get!
'I bit Will. He became a vampire.
'And for one brief moment,
'I really thought I might be...happy.'
But all it took was one trigger-happy slayer
to put an end to all that.
'Poor Will thought he was indestructible, but he wasn't.
Losing Will made me mad.
Not literally mad, although, actually...
Watch me as I avenge Will's death
and make the streets of Stokely run red with blood!
OK, I went on a blood-crazed rampage through the streets of Stokely,
betrayed my family and left my brother for dead. But I was upset!
So that's where cosying up and using a breather as a blanket gets you.
'To sum up, the modern world is a perilous place for the vampires.'
Ingrid fell in with a breather,
who became a half-fang and then became a pile of ash.
Then she lost her mind and tried to wipe out half of Stokely
and her entire family. This is yet another example
of why vampires and breathers aren't a good combination.
Something The Count should know by now.
There is no place for romantic attachments with breathers.
Especially in the case of 600-years-olds,
who, quite frankly, should be long enough in the fang to know better.
Breathers are clingy, sentimental and needy creatures.
And, as far as Bertrand De Fortunesa is concerned,
the Dracula family would be better off without the lot of them.
To the Manservant Times Quarterly.
For the attention of...
Cringe Forelockly, Agony Uncle.
'Dear Cringe, my name is Renfield.
'I am the manservant of a professional gentleman
'who specialises in night work.'
I need your advice.
I'm looking for a female breather.
No, no, that's not it.
I'm looking for a lovely lady
to enjoy the more...
horrible things in life with.
'My busy schedule makes finding such a creature difficult.
'Away from my 22-hour working day,
'my hobbies include needlework, leech shredding
'and experimental cuisine.'
A nice bit of rat in cockroach sauce.
'I dream of sharing friendship,
'bad times and nice frocks.
'Oh, a love of music would be a bonus.
'A poor sense of smell...'
PARP! '..is essential.'
I await your reply with sweaty-palmed expectation.
Yours, etc, etc... Renfield!
-Renfield?! The wolf hair bunging up this plughole
isn't going to unblock itself!
One day, mon brave.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd