Lies Young Dracula Files

Behold the secrets of the Dracula Clan...

We are vampires!

..as told by four vampires and one hideously drooling drudge.

Each with their own side of the story to tell.

Vladimir Dracula...

-..also known as Vladdy...

-Yes!

Vlad and the Chosen One.

The spiritual leader of the world's vampire clans.

What an honour when I, Bertrand De Fortunesa,

was entrusted with guiding Vlad in fulfilling this destiny.

A momentous responsibility

and one I wish to share with future vampire generations.

So, I will set down here, in this journal...

..an account of the events that shaped Vlad's rise to glory.

And how, under my tutelage, he was an unprecedented success.

In keeping with most vampire clans, the members of the Dracula Family

possess the most abhorrent qualities.

Back stabbing treachery...

You devious, conniving witch.

..unscrupulous craving for power...

..and a taste for random acts of cruelty.

On top of all that, it's not unknown for them to tell the odd lie

or ten.

Not that you would describe young Vladimir as a born liar.

Far from it, in fact.

But when your father and role model is Count Dracula,

stuff is bound to rub off.

Picture the scene.

On the one hand, an obstinate teenage vampire

who insists all he wants is to live in peace and harmony

doing normal, breather stuff like playing rugby.

On the other hand, the wily father,

keen to show by example the power of tricks and cheating.

Repeat it back to me.

-I must not bite ears, kick shins or elbow the other players.

-Until?

Until I'm sure the referee can't see me.

Now we're talking rugby!

-But, Dad, it's cheating!

-I know, isn't it fun?

Right, let's try some offensive play.

I'll tackle. Renfield!

You two, try and block me.

Tackle me?

Ready?

One... two... three...

GO!

For the dead travel fast, as they say in my homeland.

I know, I know. I make it look so easy.

It was Vlad's turn next.

Not that that meant an end to the Count's skulduggery and deceit.

Now, Vlad. To the attack!

No-one gets past Renfield the Repulsive.

This is useless. I'm never going to get on the team.

Don't be ridiculous. Of course you will.

He'll never get on the team. What's wrong with him?

He needs to get a thirst for it, Your Evilness.

Ah, a thirst to succeed?

Come to think of it, all this violent exercise

has given me a thirst.

Vlad... Your dad's got that funny look in his eyes again.

Don't worry, you won't feel a thing.

After you're dead, anyway.

-VLAD!

-Dad, stop!

-Friends are not food, remember?

-I knew you could do it.

Was all that a trick?

Of course, a trick! Very funny.

-How could you?

-Just proving a point.

You see, you can use your powers when you want to.

But Dad, I didn't use any powers.

Well then how did you get past Renfield the Repulsive?

With a well aimed tackle.

Back then, the Count had the upper hand

and could manipulate his son with guile and trickery

until the bats came home.

But not any more.

Renfield! Take a letter.

Straight away, master.

Ooh! Impressive.

I need to write to the Vampires Advice Bureau

on a most pressing matter.

Shoot!

-Dear sir...

-Dear sir.

-Or madam...

-Or Madam.

I have a problem and would be obliged

if you could offer some advice.

It's about my son. At heart he's honest, decent and truthful.

A pretty straight kind of guy.

I don't want to be an evil vampire! I want to be an ordinary boy!

Absolutely devastating for me, as you can imagine.

I have tried my very best to bring out the deceitful, devious nature

I knew must be lurking in there somewhere

by setting a thoroughly dishonest example for him to follow.

But gradually he started to see through my web

of lies and deceit.

I'm not going to lie to you, Vladdy.

Good, because I can tell when you're lying. Your eyes glow yellow.

-Do they? Really?

-Yeah.

Well, I never knew that.

That's the trouble with having no reflection.

Anyway, you were saying?

I was saying, being a vampire is your destiny.

And nothing you can do will ever change that.

-Is that clear?

-Totally.

-Just one question.

-Mmm?

Why are your eyes shut?

'It would appear he could read me like a book.'

And not only that...

he started to use his own sneaky ruses on me.

Deceitful little fox.

Hand over the sweets - or I'll book you in for a check-up with Renfield.

Renfield?

Sorry, Dad.

What was I thinking? I'll never eat sweets again. I promise.

Phew! That was a narrow escape.

Why are you smiling? You've lost all your sweets.

You don't grow up living with the Prince Of Darkness

without picking up the odd trick or two.

He set light to my pyjamas.

So far, so bad, I thought.

My Vladdy's a chip off the old fang when it comes to pulling a fast one.

'But that brings me to my little...difficulty.

'I didn't see this coming,

'but maybe he's become a little too good

'at getting one over on his father.

'Especially since he's been through the blood mirror.'

How do I know I can trust you?

Oh, great. After all these years

I'm finally the son you want me to be, and you don't trust me?

Make up your mind, Daddy. Which Vlad you want?

The old fangless wimp you could trust with your grandmother?

Or me?

Well, you, clearly.

-Then let me out.

-Right.

-Let me make you proud of me.

-Master, no!

-Shut it, Renfield!

What would you know of the trust between a vampire and his son?

Well, clearly a lot more than you.

Ah!

Renfield!

Do something!

'I hate to admit this,

'but it appears the pupil has overtaken the master.

'Things have calmed down a bit lately,

'but when a young fang has outwitted his father

'and left him for undead once...'

No!

No!

'..I fear, what's to stop him doing it again?'

No! Agh!

Renfield!

BELL RINGS

Ooh! That'll be lunch!

Vladdy! Vladdy! Vladimir! You can't just leave me like this!

See ya!

I'll die!

All advice you might be able to give would be gratefully received.

And bearing in mind the delicacy of this matter,

I'm sure you can understand my reasons for staying anonymous.

"For staying...an annoying mouse."

Right, I think that's it!

-Ciao!

-Ciao.

"Yours sincerely, Count Dracula,

"father of the Chosen One."

So what of Vlad? Mr honest and truthful?

Time for a quick rifle through his not-so-secret secret notebook.

This isn't something that I'm proud of.

The truth of the matter is,

there are times when I'm not as honest as I'd like to be.

INGRID: Right Vlad, you rancid little worm! >

Quick! Hide! Hide!

Ah! Here you are - in MY room.

It's not your room.

What's that smell?

I guess it started small.

When I was a kid, there was the usual

trying to stay out of trouble stuff

that led to the odd fib...or two.

-Smell? What smell? Can you smell a smell, Zoltan?

-No, Master Vlad.

Only your sister's cheap perfume.

Shut it, four wheels!

I can smell something different. Something rather...ugh!

-A-ha!

-No!

I can't wait to tell Dad about this.

-I can explain.

-Oh, yeah(!)

Climbed in through the window, nothing to do with me.

A massive pile of dirty laundry climbed in through the window?

-What? Where did he go?

-Who, the dirty sock fairy?

Er, yeah.

Hmm. Honest Vlad, indeed.

'Of course, it's hardly surprising Vlad ended up

'resorting to lies from time to time.

'He needed to use every trick in the book.

'That is, if he didn't want his best breather friend to end up as lunch.'

Come to Daddy!

Daddy. Can I have a word?

Not you! I'm trying to find dinner.

Well, it's just...

-I think I've...got my first fang.

-A fang? Oh, my boy!

Let me have a look. Hmm. I can't see anything.

Never mind, my favourite child.

So, as time went on, on the odd occasion

maybe I did become ever so slightly...economic with the facts.

Once or twice.

That statement contains about four lies in itself.

But that was just kids stuff. As Vlad got older, the stakes got higher.

Take the legendary occasion

'when he took on a true master of deceit at his own game.'

Vlad, Vlad, Vlad.

Come on, it's me, Boris.

I wouldn't hurt a fly.

Really?

'It's well known that once cousin Boris had merged with his evil side

'in the blood mirror, you could tell when he was lying.

'Because his lips were moving.'

-"I'm not evil(!)"

-HE CHUCKLES

Want a bet?

Mirror, mirror on the floor,

you've given me power, but I want more.

'So here was Boris pretending nothing had changed,

'while actually draining the Count and his own father of power,

'turning them old so he could take control of the family all by himself.

'But Boris the demon deceiver was no match for honest Vlad

'when it came to twisting the facts to his own advantage.'

Vlad, you could join me.

Picture it - the Bat Pack ruling together,

people obeying our every command, the power, the glory!

The girls.

Let's do it.

-You wouldn't dare!

-Stay out of this, Ingrid.

On one condition. We have to be on equal terms.

You have to give me some of your power now.

Even things out a little.

Agreed.

You won't regret this, Cuz.

No! What are you doing?

-Big mistake, Boris!

-You will pay for this!

Vlad had saved the Count and his brother.

So, it was hats off to him,

and a straitjacket with restraining mask on for Boris.

BORIS LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

'The way Bertrand De Fortunessa sees it,

'in troubled times being straight with people all the time

'just isn't enough.

'And while young Vlad might insist that he is a beacon of truth

'and trustworthiness, that's not the whole story.

'The Count certainly tried to school his son in the ways of

'guile and trickery by setting a bad example.

'Vlad might sometimes have been reluctant to take those

'lessons on board, but you don't spend your entire life with

'the Prince Of Darkness without something rubbing off.

'So much so, that the father needs to take care that he doesn't

'fall victim to his son, especially since Vlad's powers have grown

'and eclipsed those of his father.

'To be honest, though, for Vlad,

'the rise to power has not been an easy thing to cope with.'

'When I was younger, I never imagined for one second

'that my life would end up the way it has.'

That's my Vladdy!

Vampires be gone!

The thing is, though,

and this is something that the rest of the family will NEVER understand,

if I do ever bend the truth,

it's always with the best intentions.

Mortals, approach me.

'Like the mind wipe thing.

'Being named as the Chosen One meant that just living a normal life

'was no longer an option.'

Why must we destroy each other?

Can we not live together in harmony?

You will leave this place and remember nothing of vampires.

We do not exist.

'For everyone's sake, I needed to take control,

'and that meant spinning a massive lie,

'wiping many human minds of all knowledge of vampires

'in the hope of a peaceful future.'

Now go!

-What a lovely family.

-We are so lucky to have them as neighbours.

Yes, I know it did turn the Branaghs' and the Van Helsings'

whole lives into a lie,

but I really thought it was for the best.

Not that Jonno Van Helsing sees it like that though.

My dad's dead and it's all because of you.

You said it was an accident.

A bunch of vampires attacked him.

And because of your mind wipe, he never stood a chance.

-Jonno, I'm so sorry.

-You will be.

I meant what I said.

All right? I wish I'd never put the mind wipe on your dad

-and I never meant for him to get hurt. I...

-Vlad. Don't. Let's go.

I'm truly sorry.

I can't say how much I regret that. And that is no lie.

And then there was Renfield and his mind wipe.

Dad took him back, but this was a very different Renfield

we were talking about. I'd be lying if I said

there were no plus points.

Good morning, gentlemen.

What can I get you for breakfast?

I have eggs.

Scrambled, poached, fried, boiled.

Bacon, sausage, mushroom, tomato, kippers.

Crumpets, muffins, waffles, pancakes, porridge, cornflakes.

And toast.

-Every morning, it's the same.

-I can't undo the memory wipe.

It's so strong, it keeps rewiping his brain.

Look at this reflection.

Does anything seem strange to you?

-It's just me.

-Atta boy.

How are you doing that?

I have been around 600 years.

I sleep in a coffin, I drink blood,

and I move with unnatural speed.

Ringing any bells?

But...

-But that's impossible.

-Not if you're a vampire.

Time for the Memoirs de Renfield

to cover a difficult period...

..my lost years.

I don't remember much

other than I found myself alone...

..wandering outside castle walls

and then, the master, he took me in.

'But for some strange reason, I really wasn't myself.

'My complexion no longer had its attractive yellow tinge,

'I had an urge to wash my hands every time I went to the toilet.

'And most peculiarly of all,

'I didn't know slug fricassee

'from sewer-rat chateaubriand.'

What is that?

Bat phlegm with the merest hint of rosemary.

Rat mucus and brine.

'I used to be a gastric gourmet,

'a culinary artist, an intrepid pioneer

'seeking out new territory for the taste buds.'

-What is it?

-Roadkill stew.

-'But all of a sudden...'

-I'm starving.

'..that creative daring in the kitchen had gone.'

On the menu this evening we have for starters

partridge ravioli with a girolles and black truffle sauce

followed by Welsh beef, wilted spinach and potato rosti

with a home-made horseradish sauce.

Truth be told, I had completely lost my touch.

But then one day,

as inexplicably and suddenly as I'd lost it,

my skills with exotic food had returned.

Just like that.

I still don't know how it had happened.

All I remember is that it was just around the time

that Mistress Ingrid got really ill.

To cure a vampire illness, we will need a specialist in the dark arts,

an alchemist,

someone who's dared to probe into the dark places,

no matter how twisted and wrong.

Renfield. He means Renfield.

-Sir?

-Mistress Ingrid is very ill.

Would she like a cup of tea?

Dad might not have been a big fan of the new Renfield,

but I could have happily carried on with him like that for ever.

Which was why I'd not been completely truthful

about how easily I could have changed him back on the long.

But now we needed the old Renfield.

You will open your eyes and you will see things as they really are

and you will remember.

Did it work?

Oh, look.

Cockroach.

A cockroach!

Oh. It's off.

Can there be anything better

than the crunch of a cockroach between your teeth?

I think not.

The old Renfield was back.

And with his unmatched knowledge of the art of alchemy,

he could set about making an antidote

to cure Ingrid of her various ailments.

It actually works.

I should inform you, side effects may include drowsiness.

Which brings us to Ingrid...

..to whom deception and double-crossing come naturally.

Look no further than her video blog.

Sisters.

In our battle for recognition,

we must make full use of every weapon at our disposal.

And one of the biggest and most powerful ones is...

the ability to lie.

For example, one of my greatest

deceitful moments came when my

brainless brother and cretinous cousin were planning

to break the blood mirror.

What's wrong?

What if something's down here? Something waiting for us.

Come on, Boris. Let's just keep moving.

We all know what happened to bad boy Boris

when he did eventually enter the mirror.

But, back then, the two of them thought that

if they could find it and smash it,

they could get out of having to become fully-blown vampires.

Vlad, what's happening?

It's a vampire castle.

It's protecting the mirror.

Idiots! The pair of them.

This is it.

'Left to their own devices,

'the whole family would have been turned into breathers.

'They had to be stopped before they ruined everything,

'which meant me joining forces with my pint-sized

'pest of a cousin, Olga.'

Shouldn't you be practising your dance routine?

Shut up and listen, coffin breath.

'And putting aside our, "Who's the evilest girl in the family," contest...'

Well, I just don't like you.

But, we have to work together against the boys.

Sorry. Vampires don't do collaboration.

-If you don't help me, you'll never be a vampire.

-As if.

Our zombie-brain brothers are trying to smash the blood mirror.

-The what?

-Trust me. If they succeed, we'll become mortal.

So, what's it to be?

Start helping or start breathing.

'Of course, I knew boy blunder wasn't going to have the guts to do it.'

-Well, what are you waiting for?

-I don't know.

Something doesn't feel right.

You are so weak, Vlad.

Everything you've ever wanted is right there in front of you.

You just don't have the guts to take it.

Vlad! Don't do it. You'll kill your dad!

-No, he'll just returned to his mortal state.

-Exactly.

And he's 600 years old.

He'll crumble to dust.

I almost killed my own father.

Vlad, Boris, Olga the other one! What's going on?

Hello, Daddy. And goodbye.

'And this was my cue...'

No!

'..to do something really deceitful.'

You've turned me into a breather!

-And I killed your dad.

-Yeah, whatever.

Slain, by my own daughter! You're so grounded.

Guess this means I win the bet, right?

He did this for a bet? That is evil.

Thanks.

I can't help noticing, I haven't disintegrated.

Speak for yourself, I'm falling apart.

No, you're not, Dad.

Because you'd never miss the chance to become a vampire.

Where's the real blood mirror, Ingrid?

Well done, breather boy.

Oh, yes. I thought it was bigger.

You... you...

Princess of darkness is the phrase you're looking for.

So, how many levels did that work on?

I tricked Vlad to thinking I destroyed Dad.

I tricked Dad into thinking I destroyed Dad.

Plus, I double-crossed Olga, and in the process proved

I was indisputably the evilest girl in the family.

As if that was ever in doubt.

She's not wrong. Got to watch that one.

Somehow, you just have to admire her. Every bone in her body is pure evil.

"In these complicated times, I, Bertrand de Fortunesa,

"think lies and deceit are necessary weapons in the art of survival.

"Vlad himself claims to be a reluctant liar, but, as we've seen,

"if this situation requires it, he'll do what it takes.

"No-one would dare accuse Ingrid of being reluctant.

"Double-crossing flows through her empty veins.

"As for the Count, he must be on his guard.

"He's created young, duplicitous fangs,

"able to outwit and deceive him effortlessly.

"The Count's position is precarious, and he knows it."

"Dear Count Dracula, father of the chosen one.

"First, may we at the Vampire's Advice Bureau commend you

"for your brave decision to change your mind

"and not remain anonymous in such a delicate matter."

Not remain anonymous?

"Although it raised a few chuckles in the office,

"imagining how the once mighty Count Dracula might be laid low

"by his little boy, how ironic that the all-powerful

"Prince Of Darkness is now in fear of his own son."

Oh, please!

"As to helping you, yes, we're an advice bureau,

"but we don't have a magic wand, you know?

"You'll just have to take your chances,

"and hope the boy doesn't destroy you.

"PS - You're absolutely right to be worried.

"It sounds like your days are numbered.

"PPS - We didn't understand the bit about the annoying laugh."

Renfield! Renfield!

I need you to help me catch an annoying mouse.

Oh, right you are, master. Where did I put that mousetrap?

MOUSETRAP CLICKS

Aaagh! You found it.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd