Lies Young Dracula Files


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Behold the secrets of the Dracula Clan...

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We are vampires!

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..as told by four vampires and one hideously drooling drudge.

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Each with their own side of the story to tell.

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Vladimir Dracula...

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-..also known as Vladdy...

-Yes!

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Vlad and the Chosen One.

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The spiritual leader of the world's vampire clans.

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What an honour when I, Bertrand De Fortunesa,

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was entrusted with guiding Vlad in fulfilling this destiny.

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A momentous responsibility

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and one I wish to share with future vampire generations.

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So, I will set down here, in this journal...

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..an account of the events that shaped Vlad's rise to glory.

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And how, under my tutelage, he was an unprecedented success.

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In keeping with most vampire clans, the members of the Dracula Family

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possess the most abhorrent qualities.

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Back stabbing treachery...

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You devious, conniving witch.

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..unscrupulous craving for power...

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..and a taste for random acts of cruelty.

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On top of all that, it's not unknown for them to tell the odd lie

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or ten.

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Not that you would describe young Vladimir as a born liar.

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Far from it, in fact.

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But when your father and role model is Count Dracula,

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stuff is bound to rub off.

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Picture the scene.

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On the one hand, an obstinate teenage vampire

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who insists all he wants is to live in peace and harmony

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doing normal, breather stuff like playing rugby.

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On the other hand, the wily father,

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keen to show by example the power of tricks and cheating.

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Repeat it back to me.

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-I must not bite ears, kick shins or elbow the other players.

-Until?

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Until I'm sure the referee can't see me.

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Now we're talking rugby!

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-But, Dad, it's cheating!

-I know, isn't it fun?

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Right, let's try some offensive play.

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I'll tackle. Renfield!

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You two, try and block me.

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Tackle me?

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Ready?

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One... two... three...

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GO!

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For the dead travel fast, as they say in my homeland.

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I know, I know. I make it look so easy.

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It was Vlad's turn next.

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Not that that meant an end to the Count's skulduggery and deceit.

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Now, Vlad. To the attack!

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No-one gets past Renfield the Repulsive.

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This is useless. I'm never going to get on the team.

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Don't be ridiculous. Of course you will.

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He'll never get on the team. What's wrong with him?

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He needs to get a thirst for it, Your Evilness.

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Ah, a thirst to succeed?

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Come to think of it, all this violent exercise

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has given me a thirst.

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Vlad... Your dad's got that funny look in his eyes again.

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Don't worry, you won't feel a thing.

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After you're dead, anyway.

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-VLAD!

-Dad, stop!

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-Friends are not food, remember?

-I knew you could do it.

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Was all that a trick?

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Of course, a trick! Very funny.

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-How could you?

-Just proving a point.

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You see, you can use your powers when you want to.

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But Dad, I didn't use any powers.

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Well then how did you get past Renfield the Repulsive?

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With a well aimed tackle.

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Back then, the Count had the upper hand

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and could manipulate his son with guile and trickery

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until the bats came home.

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But not any more.

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Renfield! Take a letter.

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Straight away, master.

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Ooh! Impressive.

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I need to write to the Vampires Advice Bureau

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on a most pressing matter.

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Shoot!

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-Dear sir...

-Dear sir.

-Or madam...

-Or Madam.

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I have a problem and would be obliged

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if you could offer some advice.

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It's about my son. At heart he's honest, decent and truthful.

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A pretty straight kind of guy.

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I don't want to be an evil vampire! I want to be an ordinary boy!

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Absolutely devastating for me, as you can imagine.

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I have tried my very best to bring out the deceitful, devious nature

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I knew must be lurking in there somewhere

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by setting a thoroughly dishonest example for him to follow.

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But gradually he started to see through my web

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of lies and deceit.

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I'm not going to lie to you, Vladdy.

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Good, because I can tell when you're lying. Your eyes glow yellow.

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-Do they? Really?

-Yeah.

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Well, I never knew that.

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That's the trouble with having no reflection.

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Anyway, you were saying?

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I was saying, being a vampire is your destiny.

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And nothing you can do will ever change that.

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-Is that clear?

-Totally.

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-Just one question.

-Mmm?

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Why are your eyes shut?

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'It would appear he could read me like a book.'

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And not only that...

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he started to use his own sneaky ruses on me.

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Deceitful little fox.

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Hand over the sweets - or I'll book you in for a check-up with Renfield.

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Renfield?

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Sorry, Dad.

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What was I thinking? I'll never eat sweets again. I promise.

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Phew! That was a narrow escape.

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Why are you smiling? You've lost all your sweets.

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You don't grow up living with the Prince Of Darkness

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without picking up the odd trick or two.

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He set light to my pyjamas.

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So far, so bad, I thought.

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My Vladdy's a chip off the old fang when it comes to pulling a fast one.

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'But that brings me to my little...difficulty.

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'I didn't see this coming,

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'but maybe he's become a little too good

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'at getting one over on his father.

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'Especially since he's been through the blood mirror.'

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How do I know I can trust you?

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Oh, great. After all these years

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I'm finally the son you want me to be, and you don't trust me?

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Make up your mind, Daddy. Which Vlad you want?

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The old fangless wimp you could trust with your grandmother?

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Or me?

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Well, you, clearly.

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-Then let me out.

-Right.

-Let me make you proud of me.

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-Master, no!

-Shut it, Renfield!

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What would you know of the trust between a vampire and his son?

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Well, clearly a lot more than you.

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Ah!

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Renfield!

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Do something!

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'I hate to admit this,

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'but it appears the pupil has overtaken the master.

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'Things have calmed down a bit lately,

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'but when a young fang has outwitted his father

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'and left him for undead once...'

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No!

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No!

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'..I fear, what's to stop him doing it again?'

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No! Agh!

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Renfield!

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BELL RINGS

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Ooh! That'll be lunch!

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Vladdy! Vladdy! Vladimir! You can't just leave me like this!

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See ya!

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I'll die!

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All advice you might be able to give would be gratefully received.

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And bearing in mind the delicacy of this matter,

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I'm sure you can understand my reasons for staying anonymous.

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"For staying...an annoying mouse."

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Right, I think that's it!

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-Ciao!

-Ciao.

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"Yours sincerely, Count Dracula,

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"father of the Chosen One."

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So what of Vlad? Mr honest and truthful?

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Time for a quick rifle through his not-so-secret secret notebook.

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This isn't something that I'm proud of.

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The truth of the matter is,

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there are times when I'm not as honest as I'd like to be.

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INGRID: Right Vlad, you rancid little worm! >

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Quick! Hide! Hide!

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Ah! Here you are - in MY room.

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It's not your room.

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What's that smell?

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I guess it started small.

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When I was a kid, there was the usual

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trying to stay out of trouble stuff

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that led to the odd fib...or two.

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-Smell? What smell? Can you smell a smell, Zoltan?

-No, Master Vlad.

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Only your sister's cheap perfume.

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Shut it, four wheels!

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I can smell something different. Something rather...ugh!

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-A-ha!

-No!

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I can't wait to tell Dad about this.

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-I can explain.

-Oh, yeah(!)

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Climbed in through the window, nothing to do with me.

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A massive pile of dirty laundry climbed in through the window?

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-What? Where did he go?

-Who, the dirty sock fairy?

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Er, yeah.

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Hmm. Honest Vlad, indeed.

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'Of course, it's hardly surprising Vlad ended up

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'resorting to lies from time to time.

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'He needed to use every trick in the book.

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'That is, if he didn't want his best breather friend to end up as lunch.'

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Come to Daddy!

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Daddy. Can I have a word?

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Not you! I'm trying to find dinner.

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Well, it's just...

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-I think I've...got my first fang.

-A fang? Oh, my boy!

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Let me have a look. Hmm. I can't see anything.

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Never mind, my favourite child.

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So, as time went on, on the odd occasion

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maybe I did become ever so slightly...economic with the facts.

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Once or twice.

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That statement contains about four lies in itself.

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But that was just kids stuff. As Vlad got older, the stakes got higher.

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Take the legendary occasion

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'when he took on a true master of deceit at his own game.'

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Vlad, Vlad, Vlad.

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Come on, it's me, Boris.

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I wouldn't hurt a fly.

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Really?

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'It's well known that once cousin Boris had merged with his evil side

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'in the blood mirror, you could tell when he was lying.

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'Because his lips were moving.'

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-"I'm not evil(!)"

-HE CHUCKLES

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Want a bet?

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Mirror, mirror on the floor,

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you've given me power, but I want more.

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'So here was Boris pretending nothing had changed,

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'while actually draining the Count and his own father of power,

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'turning them old so he could take control of the family all by himself.

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'But Boris the demon deceiver was no match for honest Vlad

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'when it came to twisting the facts to his own advantage.'

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Vlad, you could join me.

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Picture it - the Bat Pack ruling together,

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people obeying our every command, the power, the glory!

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The girls.

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Let's do it.

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-You wouldn't dare!

-Stay out of this, Ingrid.

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On one condition. We have to be on equal terms.

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You have to give me some of your power now.

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Even things out a little.

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Agreed.

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You won't regret this, Cuz.

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No! What are you doing?

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-Big mistake, Boris!

-You will pay for this!

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Vlad had saved the Count and his brother.

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So, it was hats off to him,

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and a straitjacket with restraining mask on for Boris.

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BORIS LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

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'The way Bertrand De Fortunessa sees it,

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'in troubled times being straight with people all the time

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'just isn't enough.

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'And while young Vlad might insist that he is a beacon of truth

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'and trustworthiness, that's not the whole story.

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'The Count certainly tried to school his son in the ways of

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'guile and trickery by setting a bad example.

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'Vlad might sometimes have been reluctant to take those

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'lessons on board, but you don't spend your entire life with

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'the Prince Of Darkness without something rubbing off.

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'So much so, that the father needs to take care that he doesn't

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'fall victim to his son, especially since Vlad's powers have grown

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'and eclipsed those of his father.

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'To be honest, though, for Vlad,

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'the rise to power has not been an easy thing to cope with.'

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'When I was younger, I never imagined for one second

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'that my life would end up the way it has.'

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That's my Vladdy!

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Vampires be gone!

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The thing is, though,

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and this is something that the rest of the family will NEVER understand,

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if I do ever bend the truth,

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it's always with the best intentions.

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Mortals, approach me.

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'Like the mind wipe thing.

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'Being named as the Chosen One meant that just living a normal life

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'was no longer an option.'

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Why must we destroy each other?

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Can we not live together in harmony?

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You will leave this place and remember nothing of vampires.

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We do not exist.

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'For everyone's sake, I needed to take control,

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'and that meant spinning a massive lie,

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'wiping many human minds of all knowledge of vampires

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'in the hope of a peaceful future.'

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Now go!

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-What a lovely family.

-We are so lucky to have them as neighbours.

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Yes, I know it did turn the Branaghs' and the Van Helsings'

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whole lives into a lie,

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but I really thought it was for the best.

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Not that Jonno Van Helsing sees it like that though.

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My dad's dead and it's all because of you.

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You said it was an accident.

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A bunch of vampires attacked him.

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And because of your mind wipe, he never stood a chance.

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-Jonno, I'm so sorry.

-You will be.

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I meant what I said.

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All right? I wish I'd never put the mind wipe on your dad

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-and I never meant for him to get hurt. I...

-Vlad. Don't. Let's go.

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I'm truly sorry.

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I can't say how much I regret that. And that is no lie.

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And then there was Renfield and his mind wipe.

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Dad took him back, but this was a very different Renfield

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we were talking about. I'd be lying if I said

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there were no plus points.

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Good morning, gentlemen.

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What can I get you for breakfast?

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I have eggs.

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Scrambled, poached, fried, boiled.

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Bacon, sausage, mushroom, tomato, kippers.

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Crumpets, muffins, waffles, pancakes, porridge, cornflakes.

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And toast.

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-Every morning, it's the same.

-I can't undo the memory wipe.

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It's so strong, it keeps rewiping his brain.

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Look at this reflection.

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Does anything seem strange to you?

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-It's just me.

-Atta boy.

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How are you doing that?

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I have been around 600 years.

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I sleep in a coffin, I drink blood,

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and I move with unnatural speed.

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Ringing any bells?

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But...

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-But that's impossible.

-Not if you're a vampire.

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Time for the Memoirs de Renfield

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to cover a difficult period...

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..my lost years.

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I don't remember much

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other than I found myself alone...

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..wandering outside castle walls

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and then, the master, he took me in.

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'But for some strange reason, I really wasn't myself.

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'My complexion no longer had its attractive yellow tinge,

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'I had an urge to wash my hands every time I went to the toilet.

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'And most peculiarly of all,

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'I didn't know slug fricassee

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'from sewer-rat chateaubriand.'

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What is that?

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Bat phlegm with the merest hint of rosemary.

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Rat mucus and brine.

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'I used to be a gastric gourmet,

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'a culinary artist, an intrepid pioneer

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'seeking out new territory for the taste buds.'

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-What is it?

-Roadkill stew.

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-'But all of a sudden...'

-I'm starving.

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'..that creative daring in the kitchen had gone.'

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On the menu this evening we have for starters

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partridge ravioli with a girolles and black truffle sauce

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followed by Welsh beef, wilted spinach and potato rosti

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with a home-made horseradish sauce.

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Truth be told, I had completely lost my touch.

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But then one day,

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as inexplicably and suddenly as I'd lost it,

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my skills with exotic food had returned.

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Just like that.

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I still don't know how it had happened.

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All I remember is that it was just around the time

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that Mistress Ingrid got really ill.

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To cure a vampire illness, we will need a specialist in the dark arts,

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an alchemist,

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someone who's dared to probe into the dark places,

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no matter how twisted and wrong.

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Renfield. He means Renfield.

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-Sir?

-Mistress Ingrid is very ill.

0:19:540:19:57

Would she like a cup of tea?

0:19:590:20:01

Dad might not have been a big fan of the new Renfield,

0:20:010:20:04

but I could have happily carried on with him like that for ever.

0:20:040:20:08

Which was why I'd not been completely truthful

0:20:080:20:12

about how easily I could have changed him back on the long.

0:20:120:20:16

But now we needed the old Renfield.

0:20:170:20:19

You will open your eyes and you will see things as they really are

0:20:220:20:26

and you will remember.

0:20:260:20:29

Did it work?

0:20:370:20:39

Oh, look.

0:20:450:20:46

Cockroach.

0:20:480:20:49

A cockroach!

0:20:510:20:53

Oh. It's off.

0:21:010:21:03

Can there be anything better

0:21:030:21:05

than the crunch of a cockroach between your teeth?

0:21:050:21:08

I think not.

0:21:080:21:10

The old Renfield was back.

0:21:130:21:16

And with his unmatched knowledge of the art of alchemy,

0:21:160:21:19

he could set about making an antidote

0:21:190:21:22

to cure Ingrid of her various ailments.

0:21:220:21:25

It actually works.

0:21:350:21:36

I should inform you, side effects may include drowsiness.

0:21:360:21:39

Which brings us to Ingrid...

0:21:420:21:45

..to whom deception and double-crossing come naturally.

0:21:470:21:52

Look no further than her video blog.

0:21:520:21:55

Sisters.

0:21:560:21:58

In our battle for recognition,

0:21:580:21:59

we must make full use of every weapon at our disposal.

0:21:590:22:02

And one of the biggest and most powerful ones is...

0:22:020:22:07

the ability to lie.

0:22:070:22:09

For example, one of my greatest

0:22:090:22:11

deceitful moments came when my

0:22:110:22:14

brainless brother and cretinous cousin were planning

0:22:140:22:18

to break the blood mirror.

0:22:180:22:21

What's wrong?

0:22:210:22:22

What if something's down here? Something waiting for us.

0:22:220:22:25

Come on, Boris. Let's just keep moving.

0:22:250:22:28

We all know what happened to bad boy Boris

0:22:280:22:31

when he did eventually enter the mirror.

0:22:310:22:33

But, back then, the two of them thought that

0:22:330:22:35

if they could find it and smash it,

0:22:350:22:38

they could get out of having to become fully-blown vampires.

0:22:380:22:42

Vlad, what's happening?

0:22:420:22:44

It's a vampire castle.

0:22:440:22:47

It's protecting the mirror.

0:22:470:22:49

Idiots! The pair of them.

0:22:490:22:51

This is it.

0:22:530:22:55

'Left to their own devices,

0:22:550:22:57

'the whole family would have been turned into breathers.

0:22:570:23:00

'They had to be stopped before they ruined everything,

0:23:000:23:04

'which meant me joining forces with my pint-sized

0:23:040:23:06

'pest of a cousin, Olga.'

0:23:060:23:08

Shouldn't you be practising your dance routine?

0:23:080:23:10

Shut up and listen, coffin breath.

0:23:100:23:12

'And putting aside our, "Who's the evilest girl in the family," contest...'

0:23:120:23:17

Well, I just don't like you.

0:23:170:23:19

But, we have to work together against the boys.

0:23:190:23:22

Sorry. Vampires don't do collaboration.

0:23:220:23:25

-If you don't help me, you'll never be a vampire.

-As if.

0:23:250:23:30

Our zombie-brain brothers are trying to smash the blood mirror.

0:23:300:23:33

-The what?

-Trust me. If they succeed, we'll become mortal.

0:23:330:23:38

So, what's it to be?

0:23:380:23:41

Start helping or start breathing.

0:23:410:23:45

'Of course, I knew boy blunder wasn't going to have the guts to do it.'

0:23:450:23:49

-Well, what are you waiting for?

-I don't know.

0:23:490:23:53

Something doesn't feel right.

0:23:530:23:54

You are so weak, Vlad.

0:23:540:23:58

Everything you've ever wanted is right there in front of you.

0:23:580:24:02

You just don't have the guts to take it.

0:24:020:24:05

Vlad! Don't do it. You'll kill your dad!

0:24:080:24:11

-No, he'll just returned to his mortal state.

-Exactly.

0:24:110:24:15

And he's 600 years old.

0:24:150:24:18

He'll crumble to dust.

0:24:180:24:21

I almost killed my own father.

0:24:230:24:26

Vlad, Boris, Olga the other one! What's going on?

0:24:260:24:30

Hello, Daddy. And goodbye.

0:24:300:24:33

'And this was my cue...'

0:24:330:24:35

No!

0:24:350:24:37

'..to do something really deceitful.'

0:24:370:24:39

You've turned me into a breather!

0:24:390:24:42

-And I killed your dad.

-Yeah, whatever.

0:24:420:24:44

Slain, by my own daughter! You're so grounded.

0:24:440:24:48

Guess this means I win the bet, right?

0:24:480:24:51

He did this for a bet? That is evil.

0:24:510:24:55

Thanks.

0:24:550:24:57

I can't help noticing, I haven't disintegrated.

0:24:570:25:01

Speak for yourself, I'm falling apart.

0:25:010:25:03

No, you're not, Dad.

0:25:030:25:04

Because you'd never miss the chance to become a vampire.

0:25:040:25:07

Where's the real blood mirror, Ingrid?

0:25:070:25:09

Well done, breather boy.

0:25:090:25:12

Oh, yes. I thought it was bigger.

0:25:180:25:21

You... you...

0:25:210:25:24

Princess of darkness is the phrase you're looking for.

0:25:240:25:27

So, how many levels did that work on?

0:25:270:25:30

I tricked Vlad to thinking I destroyed Dad.

0:25:300:25:34

I tricked Dad into thinking I destroyed Dad.

0:25:340:25:37

Plus, I double-crossed Olga, and in the process proved

0:25:370:25:40

I was indisputably the evilest girl in the family.

0:25:400:25:43

As if that was ever in doubt.

0:25:430:25:45

She's not wrong. Got to watch that one.

0:25:470:25:50

Somehow, you just have to admire her. Every bone in her body is pure evil.

0:25:500:25:57

"In these complicated times, I, Bertrand de Fortunesa,

0:26:000:26:03

"think lies and deceit are necessary weapons in the art of survival.

0:26:030:26:07

"Vlad himself claims to be a reluctant liar, but, as we've seen,

0:26:090:26:12

"if this situation requires it, he'll do what it takes.

0:26:120:26:17

"No-one would dare accuse Ingrid of being reluctant.

0:26:170:26:20

"Double-crossing flows through her empty veins.

0:26:200:26:23

"As for the Count, he must be on his guard.

0:26:230:26:27

"He's created young, duplicitous fangs,

0:26:270:26:30

"able to outwit and deceive him effortlessly.

0:26:300:26:32

"The Count's position is precarious, and he knows it."

0:26:320:26:38

"Dear Count Dracula, father of the chosen one.

0:26:380:26:40

"First, may we at the Vampire's Advice Bureau commend you

0:26:400:26:45

"for your brave decision to change your mind

0:26:450:26:48

"and not remain anonymous in such a delicate matter."

0:26:480:26:51

Not remain anonymous?

0:26:510:26:54

"Although it raised a few chuckles in the office,

0:26:540:26:56

"imagining how the once mighty Count Dracula might be laid low

0:26:560:27:00

"by his little boy, how ironic that the all-powerful

0:27:000:27:06

"Prince Of Darkness is now in fear of his own son."

0:27:060:27:09

Oh, please!

0:27:090:27:12

"As to helping you, yes, we're an advice bureau,

0:27:120:27:15

"but we don't have a magic wand, you know?

0:27:150:27:18

"You'll just have to take your chances,

0:27:180:27:20

"and hope the boy doesn't destroy you.

0:27:200:27:25

"PS - You're absolutely right to be worried.

0:27:250:27:28

"It sounds like your days are numbered.

0:27:280:27:32

"PPS - We didn't understand the bit about the annoying laugh."

0:27:320:27:38

Renfield! Renfield!

0:27:380:27:42

I need you to help me catch an annoying mouse.

0:27:420:27:48

Oh, right you are, master. Where did I put that mousetrap?

0:27:480:27:51

MOUSETRAP CLICKS

0:27:510:27:53

Aaagh! You found it.

0:27:530:27:54

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:590:28:04

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