Feuds Young Dracula Files


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Behold the secrets of the Dracula clan.

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We are vampires.

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As told by four vampires...

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and one hideously drooling drudge,

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each with their own side of the story to tell.

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Vladimir Dracula.

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Also known as Vladdy...

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Yes!

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..Vlad

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and the Chosen One.

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The spiritual leader of the world's vampire clans.

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What an honour when I, Bertrand de Fortunesa,

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was entrusted with guiding Vlad in fulfilling this destiny.

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A momentous responsibility...

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..and one I wish to share with future vampire generations.

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So, I will set down here, in this journal...

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..an account of the events that shaped Vlad's rise to glory...

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HE GROANS

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..and how, under my tutelage, he was an unprecedented success.

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In keeping with most vampire clans,

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the members of the Dracula family possess the most abhorrent qualities.

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Back-stabbing treachery...

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You devious, conniving witch.

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..unscrupulous craving for power...

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SHE LAUGHS EVILLY

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..and a taste for random acts of cruelty.

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RENFIELD GASPS

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A family too busy warring with each other to see the bigger picture.

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In troublesome times,

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it was essential that the family put all petty infighting aside,

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especially since Vlad's succession as the Chosen One

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had brought all manner of dark, hostile forces out of the woodwork,

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waiting for the opportunity to take the Draculas down.

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Danger was lurking everywhere.

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Which meant...?

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Getting to know your enemy -

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who's who in the great vampire dynasties.

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Of all the clans, the Barak worry me the most.

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They're highly respected and hold great influence.

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If they go against me, it would be hard to maintain order.

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They do have a weakness.

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During the East Blood War,

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they secretly betrayed their allies in return for leverage in the...

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< Renfield!

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< Where's my fang floss?

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Vlad needed to cram up as quickly as possible

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on past and present feuds...

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..and expert advice was required.

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We're studying vampire clans.

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Excellent!

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I could tell you some wonderful stories.

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I don't want stories. I want facts,

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and Bertrand knows those.

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Right.

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I'll leave you to it, then.

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'Vlad was right.

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'It was the counsel of Bertrand de Fortunesa he needed now,

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'not that of his father.'

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To be fair, in his time,

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the Count had been one of the great perpetrators

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of some of the bitterest blood feuds in vampire history.

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But his new circumstances,

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living cheek by jowl with breathers,

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didn't exactly allow for that sort of thing.

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Once upon a time, he could have locked horns

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with the most ruthless and blood-thirsty Carpathian vampires.

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Now, it more likely to be spanners at dawn

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with a competitively-priced plumber.

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I, the Prince of Darkness,

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and the scourge of all men,

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hereby declare a feud against...

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..the...

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Branaghs.

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I promise to destroy and utterly crush you

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in the most gruesome and unspeakably evil ways possible.

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Yours sincerely,

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Count Dracula.

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Hmm. You don't think it lacks the..

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personal touch, do you?

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Good point.

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PS...

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I shall drain

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all the fat

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from your cows.

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Oh, so eloquent, Master!

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I shall deliver it myself.

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Hardly the most exciting chapter in the history of the vampires.

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'Only a complete dullard could get worked up over that.'

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And so,

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to the most thrilling chapter of...

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My Life In Drudgery,

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Memoirs Of A Renfield.

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The vital role I played in my master's feud

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with a neighbouring clan,

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the Branaghs,

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and, in particular,

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my master's struggle to defeat the leader of their tribe.

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Stop!

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What are you doing, you cretin?

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Now deliver it.

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Master? 'Tis done.

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Hmm.

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Destroy,

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crush,

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gruesome,

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drain?

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Oh, it's from Mr Count up the hill.

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You know I said I'd noticed a bit of a smell.

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Oh, please, don't make me go up there again.

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I know his ways are a little eccentric.

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-Eccentric? He's a total nutter!

-Graham!

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Just because their ways are a little bit different,

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doesn't mean we shouldn't try and make them feel welcome.

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OK. I'll get my things.

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It was at times like this

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that all the toil, sweat and tears became worth it.

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Because I,

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Renfield,

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was lucky enough to witness the titanic struggle

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between two of the mightiest clans

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of the 21st century.

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He's here, Master.

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The Branagh male, armed with bit of stick.

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-And rubber!

-Out the way, out the way!

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Well, that should be no match for the might of Count Dracula.

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You did say that about the porcupine, Master.

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Oh, just let him in, Renfield.

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Ah, Branagh.

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I take it you received my missive.

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Yes, I did.

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And listen, next time, just pick up the phone.

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I'll give you my number.

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A-ha!

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Disarmed. Now I have the power.

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PLUNGER POPS

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MR BRANAGH GASPS

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HE CRIES OUT

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That will teach these peasants to mess with Count Dracula.

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Quite heroic, really,

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the way that jumped-up toilet dredger kept plugging away...

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I think I've found the cause of the blockage.

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Oh, Gertrude!

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-You, get back in the slime pit!

-I beg your pardon?

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I've just done you a favour!

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A favour? We're supposed to be having a feud!

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All in vain, though,

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because my Master was always a step in front,

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with various counter-moves.

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Finished!

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Take his competitive tent pitching.

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Suck on that, peasants!

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Oh, suck on what?

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Oh, that? Oh, I see!

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Are you sure it's quite safe?

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Safe? Is my tent safe?

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TENT CREAKS

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Renfield!

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Yes, Master?

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You shall be the first to try out my tent.

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Oh, thank you, Master!

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Thank you!

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HE BABBLES INCOHERENTLY

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Just get in the tent!

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Oh.

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Oh, this is nice.

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RENFIELD SCREAMS

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I think that's 1-0 to the Branaghs, eh?

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Master!

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'Then there were cook-offs, to prove who kept the finest kitchen.'

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Look, why don't we all just calm down and enjoy a nice hot dog?

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Because we don't want your peasant food.

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-We shall prepare our own feast!

-Barbecued slug, master?

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'Only one winner there, obviously.'

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It had already been the most exciting day of my life.

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Slugs for tea

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and then two hours spent in a blind, sweaty panic

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in an old tent.

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But would you believe it? It got even better!

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I've always wondered - how does it feel to be a loser?

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I don't know. You tell me, Mr Floppy Tent!

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Right! That's it!

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THUNDER CLAPS

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I challenge you to a duel!

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You know what, matey? I accept!

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You and me, outside, now.

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Dad? What's going on?

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Chloe, Mr Count and I were just going outside

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to talk about grown-up things.

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But it's raining.

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Ah, so it is.

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Why don't we have our talk in the crypt?

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Nothing for you to worry about, Chloe.

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COUNT YAWNS

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You're going down, pal!

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To the crypt, so we can sort this out reasonably.

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A fight to the death,

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using any means necessary.

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And contrary to what you might think,

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the Master doesn't always use extreme violence

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in search of victory.

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Oh, no!

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Although he is very good at it.

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But he's even better

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at being sneaky.

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I have to admit, I was wrong to fight you.

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That's very big of you, Count.

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I must admit, I was a bit embarrassed myself.

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So, let's set our differences aside, for the sake of our sons.

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Cos after all, we care about their feelings, don't we?

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Absolutely.

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Shake on it?

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Well done, Dad. I'm proud of you. You're the best.

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HE LAUGHS EVILLY

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I am the best father!

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In your face, peasant.

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A great victory,

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won with deceit and cunning.

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Sad, really.

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The Count's talent for evil scheming,

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wasted on a breather whose most evil attribute

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is his taste in lemon-coloured leisure wear.

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But the bigger worry was that hostile elements

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wanted to exploit the Count's altered circumstances.

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He had swapped a castle in Transylvania

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for suburbia, and all that comes with it.

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And there were rumours that this new life had changed him.

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To make matters worse, the vampire press got in on the act,

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with a whole host of accusations -

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the Count had lost the plot,

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forgotten how to conduct a proper feud,

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even gone soft on slayers.

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As I said, mostly false.

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Well, sort of.

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< Another one!

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I can't bring myself to look at it.

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Renfield, read it to me!

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-"Sofa for sale."

-No, no. The...

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-Ah!

-Yes.

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"Fangs Ain't What They Used To Be For Soft-On-Slayers Sham Vampire."

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It's worse than I thought.

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"Anyone remember the chapter in the vampire's manual

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"about giving slayers an easy ride?

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"Or the one about allowing them to escape?

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"Or even the one about letting them live in your castle?

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"We at The Vampire Times don't remember any of those chapters.

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"But it seems the blood-sucking rulebook has been rewritten

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"by that once great Prince of Darkness,

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"Count Dracula, 608,

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"currently living a reclusive existence in northern England."

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Shoddy journalism. I'm six hundred and...six, if I'm a day.

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Continue.

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"Once, he was known for his fierce feuds,

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"his violent vendettas, his terrible tiffs..."

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That's more like it!

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"Now, he's known as nothing more than a fangless joke.

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"What is not so funny, though, is this long-in-the-fang's insistence

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"that he is father of the Chosen One.

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"So, dear readers, The Vampire Times says

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"it's time for us all to shun this bat with no bite

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"who has brought nothing but disgrace upon the cape."

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The constant sniping about the Count in the press

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is no laughing matter.

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'In these difficult times, having the Chosen One in their midst

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'meant a great opportunity for the Dracula family,

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'but it wasn't without danger.

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'The path to glory is always paved with feuds and clashes

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'with unscrupulous opponents.

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'Friends became enemies,

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'deeply unhappy at the turn of events

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'that had led to Vladimir Dracula being named the Chosen One.

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'So, it was crucial that Vlad should pay attention

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'to what his mentor, Bertrand de Fortunesa,

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'taught him about the art of feud.

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'When to strike and when to hold back.

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'When to opt for vampiric force and aggression

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'and when a war of words might work better.

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'In fact, these are lessons his father, the Count,

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'could have benefited from learning, too.'

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Don't imagine for one second I'm taking this

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libellous claptrap lying down.

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I'm the Prince of Darkness, scourge of generations,

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evil incarnate.

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So what you going to do?

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-IN DEEP VOICE:

-I'll tell you what I'm going to do...

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I'm going to write a very strongly-worded letter

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to the editor.

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To the editor. The Vampire Times. Dear Sir...

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'Contrary to the vile, libellous filth printed in the pre-packaged

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'fish and chip paper you call a publication,

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'I am neither a joke, a has-been, nor soft on slayers.

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'In fact, I pride myself on my foul and unpleasant attitude towards

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'these interfering blood-pulsers with their garlic necklaces

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'and pointy sticks.'

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Little pig, please let me in.

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'In my crusade against slayers, I've terrorised them

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'in their pathetic tin-pot hovels.'

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No, no, said the little pig, not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin.

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HE CRIES OUT IN FEAR

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-IN DEEP VOICE:

-Then I'll huff and I'll puff

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and I'll blow your house in.

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'I've hidden myself in their garlic-stenching innards'

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I'm protected inside your body, slayer!

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This is fantastic!

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I haven't felt the sun in...

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almost 600 years!

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'I've even taken their empty-headed family members hostage.'

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-BONE CRUNCHES

-Eeurgh.

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Sorry.

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MICE SQUEAK

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SCUTTLING

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Oh.

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Tut, tut, tut.

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Naughty, naughty.

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So you see, I am dark

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and thoroughly dastardly in my dealings with the slayers.

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Downright cheek, therefore, to publicly accuse me

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of going soft.

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There'll be no more talk of peace

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between vampires and slayers.

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The war must end.

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Slayers will always be our enemy.

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We shall bite them on the beaches, we shall bite them in the fields

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and in the streets, we shall bite them in the hills -

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we shall never surrender!

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As if a black-hearted meanie like Count Dracula would ever

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let a slayer escape.

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Well, there was that one time when...

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Let the boy go. It's me you want.

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I won't put up a fight.

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Dad, no!

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Don't do it, Dad. It's not worth it.

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Oh, it's worth it, all right.

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But it's too easy if he won't put up a fight.

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Where's the fun in that?

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We'll meet again, I promise you that.

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Can't wait.

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COUNT LAUGHS

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I can't believe you just let a slayer go.

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It was just that once.

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After all, it's no fun when they give themselves up.

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There's no sport, no thrill of the chase!

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And then there was the time you let one move in.

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Is it true?

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Are you a slayer?

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How was I to suppose to know the girl what Vlad had brought home

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wasn't just an annoying half-fang but a slayer, too?

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-Get out. I don't

-ever

-want to see you again!

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Go!

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But my point is, I demand an immediate apology!

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PS - Get my age right, you complete bunch of morons.

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Of course, there was one member of the Dracula Clan who didn't

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need teaching about feuding from anyone.

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'The Count's insignificant daughter, Ingrid.

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'She liked nothing better than to spend

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'her every waking moment quarrelling.'

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Quiet, Mistress Ingrid,

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I'm trying to read the map.

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Don't tell me to be quiet. Insect-biter!

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'There were regular rows with Renfield...'

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That is it!

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Don't you touch me, you fungus!

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-It's a bat!

-Creep!

-Witch!

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-Puss-face!

-Turn right!

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-Conjurer!

-Cretin!

-Freak!

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-Foul breath!

-Spider-licker!

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-Scab-picker!

-Snot-eater!

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Renfield!

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'Then there were the frequent fights with her father.'

0:19:410:19:44

I hate you more than garlic .

0:19:440:19:47

I hope you get tooth decay!

0:19:470:19:51

'Not to mention big bother with her little brother.'

0:19:510:19:54

Bagsy the tower room.

0:19:540:19:56

I don't think so. I'm the eldest, I'm having that one.

0:19:560:19:59

-But I called it.

-When?

0:19:590:20:00

-In the hearse.

-Right.

0:20:000:20:03

Well... I called it before you were born.

0:20:030:20:06

So, kiss my cape.

0:20:060:20:08

'She's such an expert on the subject, she's offering advice now

0:20:080:20:11

'in a video vlog.'

0:20:110:20:13

Sisters, our fight for equality

0:20:130:20:17

and recognition in the vampire world is just that -

0:20:170:20:19

a fight. And not a fair one.

0:20:190:20:23

Especially when there's a male heir around.

0:20:230:20:26

This is very simple.

0:20:260:20:28

Vladimir will have the room.

0:20:290:20:31

Brilliant. Oh, Ingrid,

0:20:310:20:33

I do believe you're about to chew on that.

0:20:330:20:35

This is because he's your favourite, isn't it?

0:20:350:20:38

Yes. That's right.

0:20:380:20:39

Be sure the odds are against us,

0:20:390:20:42

but that's nothing new.

0:20:420:20:43

Victory can be ours and the only way

0:20:430:20:46

to win the battle of the sexes

0:20:460:20:48

is by a lot of little successes.

0:20:480:20:50

However tiny.

0:20:500:20:52

You can't seriously think that I'm going to school.

0:20:520:20:55

You don't have to go, but I want to.

0:20:550:20:57

Just don't tell Dad, OK?

0:20:570:21:00

Sure. Don't worry.

0:21:000:21:02

Dad!

0:21:020:21:04

It's tricky, the brother/sister thing.

0:21:040:21:07

With my brother and I, it works like this -

0:21:070:21:10

it's a love hate thing.

0:21:100:21:12

Deep down, he really loves me and I love...

0:21:120:21:14

hating him.

0:21:140:21:16

So, it's true, you actually have gone bad.

0:21:160:21:20

Chucked out of Home Economics?

0:21:200:21:22

What's next?

0:21:220:21:24

Not handing in your History assignment?

0:21:240:21:27

Have you ever actually bitten anyone?

0:21:270:21:29

Don't push me.

0:21:290:21:31

You're still the same old puny little Vlad who can't stand

0:21:370:21:40

the sight of blood.

0:21:400:21:42

'After years of losing out to my beloved brother in every way,

0:21:420:21:46

'I finally decided enough was enough.

0:21:460:21:49

'The time for talking was over. It was time to take action.'

0:21:490:21:52

Ingrid's sharpening a stake, and I think it's got your name on it.

0:21:530:21:57

VLAD LAUGHS

0:21:570:21:59

Oh, that is priceless.

0:21:590:22:00

She's jealous of your power.

0:22:000:22:02

Mmm.

0:22:020:22:04

She wants to take you out before you become untouchable.

0:22:040:22:07

Well, I'd like to see her try.

0:22:070:22:10

Do you want me to deal with her?

0:22:110:22:13

Deal with her?

0:22:130:22:15

No. Bring her on.

0:22:150:22:17

A betrayal from within. Terrible.

0:22:170:22:21

If Vlad couldn't trust those around him, who could he trust?

0:22:220:22:26

His secret notebook?

0:22:260:22:28

What to do about Ingrid?

0:22:280:22:30

Can I ever really trust her?

0:22:300:22:33

It's not like it's ever been easy between us,

0:22:330:22:36

not that I don't blame her for being jealous.

0:22:360:22:39

I have a little good luck present.

0:22:390:22:42

Now, these are pair of ancient brooches

0:22:420:22:45

with the legendary Dracula coat of arms.

0:22:450:22:47

Oh, wicked.

0:22:470:22:48

So Vladdy, my boy, this one's for you.

0:22:480:22:52

And Ingrid, it's such a shame you weren't a boy.

0:22:540:22:57

Don't you care about my feelings at all?

0:22:570:22:59

Oh, Ingrid, silly.

0:22:590:23:01

Of course I don't! Now, pack your bags, we're leaving at sunset.

0:23:010:23:03

You love that TV more than your children.

0:23:030:23:06

Of course I don't.

0:23:060:23:07

I just love TV more than my daughter.

0:23:070:23:11

But even if it's understandable that she feels hard done-by,

0:23:110:23:14

it doesn't make what she's been doing OK.

0:23:140:23:17

Tut, tut, tut.

0:23:240:23:26

Vlad. Let me go.

0:23:280:23:30

'OK, I overreacted, leaving her to fry in the daylight.

0:23:420:23:46

'I'm not exactly proud of what happened.'

0:23:460:23:49

SHE SCREAMS

0:23:500:23:52

'But when a deranged sibling attacks you with a stake,

0:23:520:23:56

'you can't take chances.'

0:23:560:23:58

But then things got really worrying.

0:24:010:24:05

And no-one saw it coming.

0:24:050:24:08

Ingrid started being nice.

0:24:080:24:09

You don't do hugs!

0:24:110:24:13

-I've changed.

-Apparently.

0:24:130:24:16

When you left me to burn in the sunlight, I hit rock bottom.

0:24:160:24:21

Invariably, I realised that I have to be satisfied with who I am,

0:24:210:24:24

and not envy other people.

0:24:240:24:26

I think you're going to make a great leader.

0:24:260:24:29

How naive can you get.

0:24:290:24:31

What my baby brother didn't have the maturity to realise was that

0:24:310:24:34

I was even more evil, twice as two-faced,

0:24:340:24:37

and with my own army of trained netball ninjas in tow.

0:24:370:24:42

We are going to start with the assassination of Vladimir Dracula.

0:24:420:24:46

Why?

0:24:470:24:48

Because, he's the key culprit.

0:24:480:24:50

Soon he'll be so powerful, we'll never be able to oust him.

0:24:500:24:55

All those years of being overlooked,

0:24:550:24:57

of being treated like

0:24:570:24:58

a second-class citizen,

0:24:580:25:00

of getting a raw deal,

0:25:000:25:01

were finally going to be avenged

0:25:010:25:03

by my teenage fan club.

0:25:030:25:05

'And what happened?'

0:25:070:25:10

Vlad!

0:25:100:25:12

Just as one of my vampettes was about to strike...

0:25:140:25:17

'..she walked into the sunlight.'

0:25:200:25:22

I...hope one day I can do the same for you.

0:25:220:25:26

-'That's what you get from working with amateurs.'

-Thanks.

0:25:260:25:29

'Although, maybe the way things turned out isn't such a disaster.'

0:25:290:25:34

I don't want you to think I've gone soft,

0:25:340:25:37

but a girl has to think ahead, and being the sister

0:25:370:25:40

of the Chosen One has its benefits, that I fully intend to exploit.

0:25:400:25:44

So I'm working alongside him.

0:25:440:25:46

For the time being, anyway.

0:25:470:25:49

Oh, where to start with making sense of what's needed to get

0:25:490:25:54

this lot to put their differences aside

0:25:540:25:56

and concentrate on the tasks ahead.

0:25:560:25:59

'Vampires and feuding go together like sharp fangs

0:25:590:26:03

'and unsuspecting necks, and the Draculas are naturals at it.

0:26:030:26:07

'Ingrid needs to choose her battles more wisely,

0:26:080:26:11

'so as to help the family survive, not destroy it from within.

0:26:110:26:15

'Vlad is starting to focus,

0:26:160:26:18

'but his tolerance of breathers doesn't help, because that's

0:26:180:26:21

'the kind of thing that attracts even more enemies,

0:26:210:26:24

'slayers and vampires alike.

0:26:240:26:26

'We must acknowledge that there are plenty of those who would like

0:26:260:26:30

'to bring this family down, whether it's other clan leaders

0:26:300:26:33

'or elements of the vampire press,

0:26:330:26:35

'who will stop at nothing to discredit the Dracula family.'

0:26:350:26:38

Ah! Right. An apology.

0:26:410:26:44

About time.

0:26:440:26:46

"Since the publication of our article

0:26:460:26:49

"about a certain Count Dracula,

0:26:490:26:51

"it has come to our notice that The Vampire Times was not

0:26:510:26:55

"entirely accurate in its reporting."

0:26:550:26:57

You can say that again.

0:26:570:26:59

"We would like to set the record straight

0:26:590:27:01

"and clarify that Count Dracula is indeed 606 years old,

0:27:010:27:06

"not 608, as we previously stated in error.

0:27:060:27:10

"We apologise for any distress this may have caused."

0:27:100:27:14

May have caused.

0:27:140:27:16

"As to our claims that he is a disgrace, a has-been

0:27:160:27:19

"and a joke, they all stand."

0:27:190:27:22

They all stand?

0:27:220:27:24

"And we would like to add some new ones.

0:27:240:27:26

"He has the handwriting of a two-year-old

0:27:260:27:29

"and his spelling is atrocious."

0:27:290:27:31

The Count must never know of this.

0:27:350:27:37

-COUNT:

-No, he mustn't, must he?

0:27:370:27:40

METAL CLANGS

0:27:400:27:42

RENFIELD YELLS

0:27:420:27:43

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