When You're A Stranger Young Dracula

All my life I've wanted to fit in, to be ordinary.

So I thought moving to a new town would be my chance.

My chance to be normal. But I was forgetting one little thing...

I'm a vampire.

I'm sure we should have taken a left back there.

Stop breathing in my face! You can't have brushed your teeth for weeks.

Am I the only one gagging here?

I can't believe we have to speak this stupid language.

-We've got to keep a low profile.

-Why did we have to move anyway?

Please be quiet, I'm trying to read the map.

Don't tell me to be quiet, insect-biter!

-Right! That is it!

-Oh!

-Don't you touch me, you fungus!

-Brat!

-Creep!

-Witch!

-Pus-face!

-Turn right!

Corn-chewer! Freak!

-Fart-breath!

-Spider-licker!

-Scab-picker!

-Snot-eater!

-Renfield!

What exactly is going on?

Sorry for disturbing you, Master.

-Silence!

-Ingrid wants Renfield to turn the hearse around

and go back to Transylvania.

Oh, you do? And what about

the angry, torch-wielding Transylvanian peasant mob?

Would you like to go back to them, too?

FIERCE SHOUTING

Yeah, well, better going back to face them

than living in this dump. I mean, look at it!

-It's so...normal.

-Normal.

That's just what I was thinking.

Robin!

Robin!

-Robin!

-Face it, Mam, you did a good job with me and Paul.

-And me.

-Three out of four ain't bad.

It's unfortunate that you also had a goth-child.

-He hasn't come out of his room all morning.

-And that's a bad thing?

If he doesn't come out, no-one's going camping.

Oi! Nut-job, open up!

Oi! Hurry up!

Can I proceed now, Master?

-Yes, yes!

-Good. It smells like a zombie's armpit in here.

I thought so - it's Vlad's stupid stuffed dog!

Oi! He's not a dog, he's a wolf.

And he doesn't smell.

Well, actually, Master Vlad, I do smell a bit.

My sawdust seems to have got a little damp in transit.

Renfield, drive.

What...is that?

Home sweet home.

Maybe Dad should go on a diet.

I heard that.

Well, here we are. At last. Hmm.

It's not exactly what I was expecting.

Where are the cobwebs? The damp? The rotting corpses?

Look, Dad, you just said find a castle.

It was the best I could find at short notice.

Well, I suppose I might feel better when I've had someone to eat.

Right, I'll get my things.

-Bagsie the tower room.

-I'm the eldest. I'm having that one.

-But I called it.

-When?

-In the hearse.

-Right...

Well...I called it before you were born. So...kiss my cape.

Please, this is very simple.

Vladimir will have the room.

Brilliant. Oh, Ingrid, I do believe you were about to chew on that.

-This is because he's your favourite, isn't it?

-Yes, that's right.

I hate you more than garlic.

She is so much like her mother.

Ugh! In the attic.

-Yes, Master.

-Behind some boxes.

-Yes, Master.

-Under a sheet!

Thanks, Dad.

Oh, Vladimir, there's no need to thank me.

You are the son and heir of the Dracula family.

It's only right you should have the best room.

Actually, I only wanted the tower room cos I thought I might get a TV,

-and the reception's better up there.

-Grrr-rrr!

Time to meet the neighbours.

Not juicy enough. Go away.

"A TV? A TV?

"If you want to see moving pictures, Vladimir,

"run around the portrait gallery!"

-Does he think he's living in the 19th century?

-Of course not, Master.

The Count thinks he's living in the 17th century.

He's a few hundred years behind everyone else.

-I hate being a vampire. It sucks!

-Isn't that rather the point?

I just hoped this move would be a new start for us.

A chance to be a bit less...

-Vampiric?

-Exactly. Come on, take a look at this.

See?

Semi-detached houses, street lights, a newsagent, a golf course.

It's all so normal.

Right, new life, new neighbourhood...

Time to check 'em both out.

But your father has forbidden us from leaving the castle.

We need to keep a low profile.

Zoltan, I'm a pre-teen vampire.

That means I've got the reflexes of a night hunter,

combined with the ability to sneak out behind my parents' back.

ZOLTAN SIGHS

Ingrid! How's the grand sulk going?

I've decided I'm going to go and live with Mum.

Ingrid, your mother's dead.

-YOU'RE dead. We're all dead.

-You still can't go and live with her.

You're just mad because she left you for a werewolf.

She did not leave me for a werewolf.

-We mutually agreed to separate.

-After she met a werewolf.

Vladimir keeps the room.

-It's his birthright.

-And what's MY birthright?

I don't know. Cleaning my capes? Housework. Something like that.

I haven't given it much thought.

I hope you get some painful splinters from your coffin.

Renfield, my stomach tells me it's lunchtime.

Time to sample a local peasant.

Now, Master, promise you won't be angry.

No. I like being angry.

-Promise you won't hurt me.

-Again, not a commitment I feel I can make.

We, erm, we may have a food problem.

-What sort of problem?

-A sort of "we don't have any" problem.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!

I thought you wanted to keep a low profile, so I turned a peasant away.

And what with the driving, map-reading and cobweb hanging,

I didn't have time to stock up with any fresh blood.

Two weeks from Transylvania,

and all I've had to eat

is some black pudding in a motorway services!

It's not good enough!

I need a juicy peasant or, at the very least, a steak.

Mmmmm...extremely rare.

Don't worry, Master, I'll think of something.

-Going somewhere?

-Yeah, just popping out.

Ow, ow, ow! You're not going anywhere, young vampire.

-Go to your room!

-But, Dad...

You know which room's yours, don't you?

-It's the one that should be mine!

-I'm coming, Master!

I hate sunlight.

# We're all going on a camping holiday

# Just some tent pegs and a rope or two... #

Dad, you're making strange noises again.

It's called singing. People do it when they're in a good mood.

Oh, sorry. "Good mood" -

I hope I'm not confusing you with my complicated technical jargon.

Ha-ha(!) We're out of Kendal Mint Cake.

What?! We can't have a Branagh family camping expedition

without Kendal Mint Cake.

This is a disaster! Elizabeth!

I wish they'd do this stuff in black.

GLUG!

I'm disappointed in you, son.

Where's this bad attitude coming from, hmm?

-The cheeriness, the optimism... the love of the outdoors.

-Dad...

And the clothes you wear! Why?

Why the bright colours?

-They make my eyes hurt.

-It's what kids wear.

-Well, not MY kids.

Vladdy, come stand here.

This is what we are, son.

We're vampires. What are we?

-Vampires.

-There's no escaping that.

In a few years, you'll come into your full powers

and your reflection, like mine, will disappear.

Now, I am going to sort out the food situation.

Can't we have something normal? Like a hamburger.

-A person from Hamburg?

-No!

Vampires.

You can't escape it.

It's your destiny.

Oh, great(!)

Cool.

OK, no cape. This is serious.

If I wasn't already undead, I'd be...dead.

THUD!

Look, Master Vlad! Shh!

Someone's moved into the castle.

You'd have to be weird to want to live there.

-We can't find Robin.

-Where could the weirdo have got to?

OK, I'll go and get him.

BOTH: Aargh!

-Got you.

-Thanks.

-Who are you?

-What a good time to have a discussion(!)

You rang?

-Sorry to bother you...

-Have you come to donate blood?

-What?

-The sign.

-Have you come to donate blood?

-No.

-It's for a good cause.

-What cause?

-Lunch.

-No. I'm here because... Did you just say lunch?

-I've got a...cough.

-Who is it?

-Some local peasant, Master.

-I beg your pardon?

Well done, Renfield.

So nice to see you, peasant.

Do come in.

OK. But first, I'm not a peasant

-and...can you stop staring at me like that?

-Like what?

-Are you sure you haven't come to donate blood?

-Yes.

Oh, just flirting with us, were you? Well, sling your hook.

Sling your hook?! That was a ten-pint delivery.

But he said he didn't want to give blood!

They never WANT to give blood.

That's why I've got these!

This is like a horror film.

You know, one by one, up to the castle. Never to return.

Though he IS going to return. Isn't he?

He's probably talking about the plumbing, you know what he's like.

Maybe someone should go up and get him.

She can't go by herself.

Right.

Oh, you mean us?

Come on, Paul.

-Shall I bite him, Master?

-Not yet.

-SNIFFS LOUDLY

-Right, Vlad, you rancid little worm.

Quick! Hide! Hide!

Ah, here you are - in my room.

It's not your room.

What's that smell?

Smell? What smell? ..Can you smell a smell, Zoltan?

No, Master Vlad, only your sister's cheap perfume.

Shut it, four-wheels.

I can smell something different.

Something rather "eurgh"!

-A-ha!

-No!

I can't wait to tell Dad about this.

I can explain. Climbed in through the window. Nothing to do with me.

A massive pile of dirty laundry climbed in through the window?

What?!

-Where did he go?

-Who, the Dirty Sock Fairy?

-Er...yes.

-You're such a loser.

Zoltan, did you see where that boy went?

No, I was distracted by the sawdust running down my left side.

We'd better find him... before Dad does.

Please, Master, take it out.

No. It's important that you know WHY you're being punished.

-Is it because I smell?

-No. Well, you do, but that's not the reason.

-Is it because I picked my nose and ate it?

-No...

-After going to the loo without washing my hands?

-No. Eurgh!

But no. The reason you're being punished is because I'm HUNGRY!

In fact, I'm starving, and when I'm starving, I get nasty.

-And that's why you put a tarantula down my shirt?

-Correct.

And also because I like watching you squirm.

Oh, I think she's just gone down my trousers!

Sssh! Be quiet!

I've sensed an intruder.

There is a human in the castle.

I'm human, Master.

Yes, but a human that doesn't smell of mouse droppings.

Mmm...

I smell young blood.

Right, where are you, hmm?

So close.

So very close.

Come to Daddy.

Daddy, can I have a word?

Not you! I'm trying to find dinner!

Well, it's just...

I think I've got my first fang.

A fang!

Oh, my boy! Let me have a look.

Hmm, I can't see anything.

Never mind, my favourite child.

Nurture HIM, why don't you? You just hate me because I'm a girl.

No, he hates you cos you're really annoying.

Oops.

Right.

SQUELCH!

Oh, Master...

I've sat on your tarantula.

Imelda! No!

(Come on.)

Imelda!

If it's any consolation, Master, she wouldn't have felt a thing.

Except your huge bottom squishing her.

Hello. We haven't been properly introduced.

My name's Vlad. You must be

the kid who climbed in, and started wandering around.

Robin. I've brought your cloak back.

Oh. Thanks.

-What are you doing?

-Aren't you going to bite me?

Bite you? Why would I want to bite you?

-You can if you want.

-No!

Oh. OK.

You're lucky Dad didn't find you.

You've got no idea what he's capable of.

-I know exactly what he's capable of! You're vampires!

-Don't be ridiculous.

What a silly idea.

-Talking wolf, blood-thirsty dad, first fang...

-Oh, bats!

Please don't get an angry mob and drive us out of town.

You're underestimating suburban apathy. Anyway, vampires are awesome.

-Awesome?

-I know everything there is to know about them.

Or at least I thought I did.

How come you've got a reflection?

Well, we don't come into our full powers until our 16th birthday.

So I've got a reflection, I can't turn into a bat

-and I don't bite people.

-Really?

I don't get burnt by sunlight or have an adverse reaction to garlic.

You know, for my first vampire, you're not coming across as very...

Vampiric?

-And for my first normal kid, you're not coming across very...

-Normal?

First fang?! You scrawny little scab.

-Talking to yourself, you freak?

-My darling sister,

how nice of you to rudely walk in without knocking(!)

Stick a stake in it.

SHE SNIFFS LOUDLY

Ah, yes, my socks...

-How did that get there?

-Hello.

What are you playing at? You know we're not supposed to mix with breathers.

-What if he found out that we're...?

-Vampires.

-Yes! ..Hang on. He knows?

-Yes, and it's fine. He's promised not to tell.

-Oh! He's promised(!)

Well, that's fine then.

Listen to me, meat-face.

Swear by all that is morbidly evil not to tell anyone about us,

on pain of a long and gruesome death.

-You're very pretty.

-Yes, I am.

-Now swear.

-I swear.

Good.

Now, let's get you out of here

before my father decides to have you for dinner and us for dessert.

Thanks, Ingrid.

You don't think I'm saving this stinking blood bag just to be nice, do you?

Oh, no. You and I are going to have a little conversation

about room allocation.

OK. Give us our dad and brother back!

Nah, too confrontational.

Have you seen a man in sensible waterproof clothing

and a weird-looking goth-child?

-Look, are you going to knock or not?

-Yeah, I'm getting ready to knock...

-You do the talking.

-No, you.

Yes?

-Er...

-Have you seen anyone wandering around here with a cloak?

Yeah, loads.

But I presume you want this one.

-Now get lost.

-You're quite rude, aren't you?

It's my thing - deal with it.

-See you, then, Robin.

-Yeah. Come to mine if you fancy it.

Number 22, down the hill.

Oh, thanks.

And hey, maybe you could do me a favour? Get these things for me?

-Sure.

-So will we be seeing you again?

Perhaps.

Catch you later!

I can't believe you were so dumb.

Do you have any idea what Dad would have done

if he'd caught us talking to breathers?

-Cut our allowance?

-And our throats.

Oh, I think you underestimate me, my darling children.

Split up - then perhaps one of us will live.

Come on, let's find Dad.

Mixing with zombies I could forgive. Understand, even. But breathers?

Socialising with possible dinner ingredients!

We don't want to be driven out again.

Perhaps we should be blending in more. More blending, less biting.

Then maybe we wouldn't have angry mobs storming the castle.

Ah, now that...that was the result of a small misunderstanding

between me and the village elders.

-You drained their blood!

-Well, all right, a big misunderstanding.

Here's a radical idea.

-How about actually being friends with our neighbours?

-Friends?

With our neighbours?

Right, that's it, definitely no contact. Just go to your rooms!

Talking of rooms, we're swapping.

Nobody is swapping rooms without my permission.

In fact, from now on, nobody does anything without my permission.

Now get out of my sight!

You're a disgrace.

-I think sometimes the boy hates me.

-You could always kill him.

Not helpful, Renfield.

KNOCK ON DOOR

I'll go, Master.

No-one there.

But I found this on the doorstep.

It's for Master Vlad.

Well, open it.

It's something called a Juice-A-Tron 3000.

Oh...

And some steaks.

Oh, Vladimir.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Vladimir, I wanted to say thank you...for the meat.

If I had a working heart, it would have been touched.

Vladimir?

Vladimir?

Vladimir!

VLADIMIR!

'These bats that live in the wild here, we'll see them hiding...'

Hey, Robin!

Wow! You flew up to my window.

Erm, no... I climbed up.

Oh. Are you sure you're a vampire and not a burglar?

Yes, Robin.

So what happened to the camping trip?

Cancelled. My dad keeps falling asleep for some reason.

It'll wear off.

Great.

Well, I'll go and get some drinks.

Cup of blood, little bit of milk.

Joke.

So this is what my room should look like.

TAPPING

Aargh!

You're lucky I don't drop you!

-Dad!

-Grrr-rrr!

My neighbour's a vampire.

Excellent!