Once Bitten, Twice Shy Young Dracula

You had a baby with a breather?

Well...youthful folly.

I was only 500 and...something.

This can't be happening.

How do you think I felt?

Sorry, I don't talk to mongrels.

You're not helping!

Sally, please, just open the door.

Go away! Or I'll call the...

I'll call...

No, I'll call the...

Don't pest control deal with this?!

No-one's going to hurt you. Just let me explain.

I really am your son.

But... But you're a vampire.

And you? You told me you were Salem Smith.

Whitby Goth Festival 1995.

Salem Smith?

Oh, come on! Everyone fibs a bit on a first date.

So you knew I was having a baby and you adopted him without telling me?

It was better for everyone this way.

Vlad's a vampire, I was better equipped.

No, no, no, erm...

-I did it as a favour.

-A favour?!

Can you give us five minutes, please? Now!

Right.

I know all this is a shock, and I am so, so sorry I lied but...

..I had to meet you.

For years, I've dreamt about this.

Wondering how you turned out.

-Never in my wildest nightmares...

-It's not so bad, I mean...

Look, we've got the same nose, same funny earlobes.

We're really not that different.

You suck the lifeblood out of humans.

Not me.

I can't speak for the others but... I've got a lot of human in me, too.

That's all from you.

I've thought about you every day.

Have they been good to you, your...parents?

Well, as power-hungry, blood-thirsty, undead parents go,

not bad.

I can't believe it's you.

It's OK, I don't bite.

And that's next year's Christmas card.

Well, well, I expect you'll want to be off now. Goodbye.

Oh, yes, of course, George is waiting in the car.

-My bag.

-Lovely to see you, but goodbye.

No wait, stay for a bit, please, you and George.

No, no, let's not delay them any longer.

Please goodbye.

I just want to spend some time together.

Nothing bad'll happen, I promise.

-Really?

-I'll protect you.

Your lunch'll probably be cold by now,

but I can get Renfield to cook us up a special dinner for tonight.

You've got to be kidding me.

It'll give us a chance to talk.

Please.

Well...I suppose a little while wouldn't hurt.

-But nobody tells George what you really are.

-Of course not.

We'll all act normal.

Just give us some time.

As bad ideas go, this is right up there with midday sunbathing

and garlic-filled pizza crust.

You're responsible for this, the least you can do is back me up.

If you think I'm playing along with this, you must be half-human.

-One little favour.

-Little?

My father's a depraved liar, my brother's a half-breed,

and now I'm expected to cosy up to breathers?

Forget it!

Why don't I take Dad up to the attic to show him what you've been up to?

Fine.

OK, the rules.

No vamping, no fireballs, no speed travelling,

no transformations, and above all no biting.

For the next few hours, we are all going to act like humans.

Ingrid, could you please put on something a little bit less obvious?

You are going to pay for this.

What does that mean?

The Vampire High Council.

Oh, how they'd love to get their little judgmental hands on this.

If she reports us, I'll be cast out as an abomination.

And you'll...

Be banished to a cosmic prison dimension,

swirling through sunlit space for eternity.

I checked.

Can we stop her?

The council won't believe her without evidence.

Her word against ours.

But Ingrid will know that.

Still, I'll keep an eye on her.

Oh, yes, and I'll make sure our new guests are quite comfortable.

You're welcome! No problem!

Whatever.

So no-one wants to buy your sculptures

and this isn't really a hotel.

I'm confused.

You're confused.

OK.

You know how earlier we were talking about your big brother Adam?

And about how, when he turns 18, we were going to try and find him?

Well, it turns that now we don't have to.

Vlad is Adam.

Vlad's my half-brother?

Wow!

He's not a bit like I imagined him.

Me neither.

But he seems really nice, doesn't he? And he wants to get to know us.

My big brother's got taste. So what happens now?

Well, he's asked if we want to come

and stay for a while and meet his family.

Do you want to?

I thought there were poisonous spiders on the loose?

Yes, exactly and that is why we still have to be very, very careful.

You have to stick by me the whole time. You game?

Here they are! Make yourselves at home.

Hey, Vlad. Mum says you're my half-brother?

Yeah, that's right.

That's really cool.

It's cool for me, too. Let me introduce you properly.

This is my other sister, Ingrid.

Are we sisters, too?

We most certainly are not.

-At least not by blood.

-Blood, did you say...?!

And this is my father.

Mr Count.

Well, charmed, I'm sure.

What, what, what? I've just been playing, uh...golf.

Golf, yes, it's very popular.

-It's really dark. Can we open the curtains?

-No!

Vlad's family all have a... eye condition. No bright lights.

But how are we going to see the poisonous spiders?

Oh, she's such a clever child!

Oh, don't worry, I'll sort it out.

Well...this is nice, isn't it?

Eh? One big... One big happy family.

Here we are! Normal drinks, served in the normal way.

What could be more normal?

Oh, this is ridiculous! I've got more important things to do.

Right then, who's up for a game of blind man's buff? Sally...

Vlad, George and I really do need somewhere to...freshen up.

Freshen up, good! I've got just the place.

An impressive performance, Master.

-Yes.

-Of course, you've always been a big hit with the ladies.

Yes, I have.

Come on!

So...what do you think of your new family?

Your dad's really cool. He could be a rock star.

Sometimes he behaves like one.

They're not much like you, though.

Oh, you'd be surprised.

Oh, this is nice.

Nice? What is this place?

Used to be a school. Hasn't been used in a while.

A school? I'm meant to be on holiday.

There's not even a telly.

Yes, well, you watch too much telly anyway.

Let's have a...cup of tea.

Good idea.

Oh.

Can't Vlad just come and live with us?

Dad likes to have me around, chores and stuff.

Well, do we have to stay here?

-Can't we at least go and explore the place?

-No!

Not until they catch the...spiders.

Anyway, this room is fine, George,

I don't know what you're fussing about.

I'll get some fresh tea things. I won't be long.

Mum, this is pants. And you're acting really weird.

Well, it's just a bit of a... tricky situation, that's all.

But sometimes you have to put other people's needs before your own.

And I do want to make Vlad happy.

So you do like him? And you're glad we came here?

Oh, yes.

Yes, I am.

Of course, you are still my number-one girl.

But when I lost him, all those years ago...

..it broke my heart.

I always hoped that one day he'd come back into my life,

so I suppose in a way I'm very lucky.

She loves me!

Well, how could she not?

Right, I must recreate the moment we first met.

Yes, I must.

Renfield! Renfield!

There we are, Master. The very same boots you wore in Whitby in 1995.

Ah, they were playing this song the night Sally swooned into my arms.

And you know what? You haven't aged a century.

Oh, that poor girl.

All those years pining for my presence,

drifting tearfully through a Count-less universe.

But tonight...I shall bring joy back into Sally's life.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. I see it all so clearly.

DOOR OPENS

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

OK, whatever it is, hand it over.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Dad's scrolls of vampire law? What do you want with these?

Loopholes! I was looking for a way out,

should the council discover your shameful secret.

How helpful. And what did you discover?

Well, my Latin's a bit rusty, but there's one thing that's clear.

Dad's done for. No loopholes.

No reason they should find out, providing no-one tells them.

Mmm... Then you'd better stay on the right side of me, hadn't you?

What could possibly happen to me? Vlad, tell her!

She wants to go out in the courtyard.

Actually, she'd be safe out there. The sun's still shining.

Half an hour, no more.

Now that's what brothers are for!

Everything all right?

Not all my sisters think I'm that cool.

Ah, yes, Ingrid is a bit...

Well, she gives off a...

She hates us, doesn't she?

You can tell me, Vlad.

I'm a mother. It comes with the territory.

I'm think she's planning to report us to the Vampire High Council.

And that would be bad?

Yes, but surely she wouldn't betray her own family.

You don't know Ingrid.

I'm causing so much trouble here, aren't I?

It's like I've passed on some terrible disease to you.

No! I'm glad I'm half-human!

And I'm pleased I found you and George.

Really?

Really.

Tea?

OK, guys, check this out!

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, no signal!

BOX RATTLES

Wrong room, missy.

Ingrid, you made me jump! I was just looking for a signal.

High Street, cafes - free Wi-Fi.

Excuse me... I've got important work to do.

Wow, is this yours?

Ugh! First Piers and now you. This room smells of people.

Who's Piers? Your boyfriend?

In his dreams. Look, I don't have time for this!

-What games have you got on here?

-Now, look...

I love games, but my mum's put stupid parental controls on my system.

If I could guess her passwords, I could play on it all day.

-And look in her files too, no doubt.

-I guess.

Oh, you play Temple Run? It's great. And I want to get Bejeweled.

But Dragon's World's still my favourite. What do you like?

How's about a nice glass of lemonade?

Ah, that's so nice of you!

It's impossible, Master Vlad.

The Count and Miss Ingrid want vampire dishes, Miss Sally

wants regular, you want vegetarian, and then there's the short one.

Ah, now perhaps Miss Sally would like to try perce-oreille boudin?

-Oh, that sounds great.

-Ha-ha!

-What is it?

Earwig pudding.

I'll be fine with a sandwich, really.

You see? It's hopeless.

-It'll be fine, Renfield. I'll give you a hand.

-Right, well...

Ah, Sally, my dear, as...bewitching as ever.

Have we slipped into a time warp?

Is it a little early to suggest a teensy weensy creme de menthe?

We have slipped into a time warp.

I haven't touched that stuff since I was 18.

Then perhaps a stroll through the West Wing?

-What's in the West Wing?

-There's a bat colony.

-Of course there is.

-And a...chance to talk.

Talk about what?

Actually, there are a few things I'd like to ask.

But I wouldn't want to get a bat in my hair.

No, no, no fear not, I shall protect these delicious tumbling locks

from any entanglements.

Yours, too, of course, of course.

Je vous en prie. Je vous en prie.

You're not going to try anything, are you?

You do realise Sally's not interested in you.

A prophet hath no honour in his own country,

which is to say... "Shows what you know."

Sally? Sally?

So Giles was your mother's maiden name? Fascinating!

But irrelevant. Any pets?

She had a little Westie when she was a kid?

Are you still doing that supermarket order?

I forgot the spaghetti hoops. What was the Westie's name?

Zero, I think.

And Zero he remains.

-Hey, gorgeous.

-Not now!

-Don't you want an update on our little project?

-Is that Piers?

-Have you been talking about me, then?

-I'm busy.

If you're doing a project together, then he must be your boyfriend.

What's he like?

Like a nerd who's never going to get a girlfriend. Where were we?

Zero, Mum's dog. She always wanted to take him to school.

But they didn't allow dogs at St Teresa's.

St Teresa's, the name of her school, of course!

Bingo!

You know, I've got Dragon's World on my phone. I could teach you.

Mmm, later.

I always beat my mum.

But she's better than me at other things,

like sailing, rock climbing, horse riding.

Your mother lets you do all that?

Of course. Mum says girls can do anything boys do.

When I'm older, I'm going to live in South America

and be an archaeologist - if I do well in my Latin.

South America?

Mum says you can do anything you set your mind to.

What do you do in your spare time?

The ratatouille's no good.

I tell you, without the rat, there's just no flavour!

Renfield, this dinner has to be a success!

Yeah, I know that! But the smoked termite risotto's a disaster, too.

What if I make a salad?

Miss George will never eat that! Oh, the shame of failure.

Speaking of George, I better go and find her. It'll be getting dark.

But Master Vlad, what about the starters?

I'm out of dung beetles.

And dung!

The design is all my own.

Traditional Gothic with a modern twist.

More Gothic than twist.

So tell me, how did Vlad get on at school?

Plenty of time for that.

Now this is the games room.

Oh, wait! Wait, wait, wait.

MUSIC PLAYS

Ah... Remember this? 18 years ago.

The scent of wood smoke, the wind in our hair.

The stinking hangover.

Yes... The view from this window is quite spectacular.

Please, please.

Please.

So...this is where my boy lives.

It's actually rather beautiful.

Yes, yes, it... it really is.

George?

George!

And in the summer we go down the beach.

-Have you ever sailed?

-No.

It's great! I used to go with my dad before he died.

-Did you do stuff like that with your dad?

-No.

Are you sure Piers isn't your boyfriend?

That's it! Oh, I've got it!

Got what?

Delivery slot. Right, time's up.

What about Dragon's World?

You think I have nothing better to do than play games? Out!

But we were having a good time.

Are you hard of hearing?

Why are you being like this?

I won't tell you again.

I thought we were friends?

Don't irk me, breather.

I just wish I hadn't missed so much.

But, my dear, it's all still here for you to enjoy.

And I am no stranger to the long-held yearnings of your soul.

What's going on here?

I don't know, but I'm having a weird flashback.

Oh, Sally, please!

The truth spilled from you just today.

How losing me broke your heart.

How you always hoped one day I would return.

You mean earlier, in the school room?

That was a private conversation.

And I was talking about Vlad.

Me?

Well, I suppose it does make more sense when you think about it.

You really thought I'd been in love with...

with Salem Smith for all these years?

Oh, you really are a pompous oaf!

Never mind that now, where's George?

-GEORGE SCREAMS

-Ingrid!

Pompous? Moi?

Vlad, get us out of here! She's a vampire!

Ingrid, you promised!

George, George!

Mum, can we just get out of here?! They're all vampires!

Don't worry, sweetheart. We're going home, right now.

You promised you'd be normal!

This is normal, mongrel boy.

-Please, Sally, can we just...

-There's nothing to discuss.

Look at her, she's scared out of her wits.

George, I'm so sorry.

I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid you wouldn't want to know me.

I'm only half-vampire, I am nothing like Ingrid.

-I know, but...

-It won't happen again!

No, it won't.

Come on, don't go. I'm still your son, aren't I?

Of course. But we are just too different.

You used to think about me every day, remember?

We've got the same funny ear lobes and...

I just wanted tonight to be special, both families together.

But I guess that was a stupid idea.

All right, we'll stay for dinner.

But I want George next to me the whole time.

And as soon as it's over, we are leaving.

I'm sorry, Vlad.

Shall we wait for Mistress Ingrid?

Don't bother, Renfield. What have we got?

Well, it's been a total nightmare, as you know, Master Vlad.

But at the 11th hour, I finally suddenly

thought of the perfect dish.

# Da-da! #

Jelly?

Who doesn't like jelly?

-Thank you, Renfield.

-You're welcome.

I'm sorry, I'm just not very hungry.

And I don't like it. It's too wobbly.

Look, can we at least try and have a good time?

Who knows when we'll all get to sit down together again?

Smart money's on never.

Ingrid, what is this?

Look at you all, breathers, degenerates and crossbreeds!

Did you really think I'd take this lying down?

I'm on my way to the Vampire High Council right now to tell them

-everything.

-They'll never believe you without...

Evidence? Thanks for the tip, Father.

Your legal scrolls weren't much use, but Sally's files contained

a copy of Vlad's birth certificate, including your name, Salem Smith.

Once the breather child gave me the password, the rest was easy.

George, you didn't!

She tricked me!

And now you're going to betray Vlad, too?

You really are a monster.

She's a quick learner, I'll give her that.

Ingrid, please! We're still family! You'll be condemning Dad to...

Banishment to a cosmic prison dimension, swirling through

sunlit space for eternity. Would you please, please stop bringing that up?

You'd really do that, just to get a little prestige?

A little?

As the only pure vampire heir in this family,

I'll be propelled right to the head of the Dracula clan.

And I can't wait.

But you'll be banished, too.

Excuse me?

Told you I was doing Latin at school.

"Peccata omnia peccata patris familiae."

The sins of the father are the sins of all the family.

Let me see that.

The breather child's right. Ingrid and Vlad are as tainted as myself.

If she betrays us, she will be banished for eternity. Ping!

Should have brushed up on your Latin.

I think that's what they call checkmate.

I hope that jelly chokes the lot of you.

Well, well, well...

That girl needs to learn some manners.

It seems we owe you a, uh... debt of gratitude so...

Clever girl.

What's wrong with you? Ingrid can't touch us now.

Sally and George are still leaving tonight.

I think we should stay.

What? After what happened today?

Ingrid's just a selfish bully. I'm not scared of her any more.

Although...she does have remarkably sharp teeth.

It's like you said, Mum,

sometimes you have to put other people's needs before your own.

And Vlad needs us here.

Yes, but...

Now I know, I'll be more careful.

-And Vlad will look after us.

-Whatever it takes.

I wont let anything happen to you, not now.

What? Hmm? Oh, no, yes, yes, yes.

I suppose it would be nice

to converse with someone who remembers real music.

There'll be no more... romantic misunderstandings.

Or biting.

All right, you have my personal guarantee.

Just for a few days?

Please, Mum.

If it's really what you want.

OK, we'll stay for a few days.