Open House Young Dracula

Right, Renfield. Are you sitting comfortably?

Not really, no.

Now listen carefully. This is critical.

So, the Magister Maleficorum -

and we are currently...here.

In my case on a teeny-tiny footstool.

Now, we have no real idea of what it is or what it's capable of...

Not a clue.

But!

I've read rumours, vamp legends, old country bloodtales,

that it could contain...

..all the evil in the entire universe.

That's a lot of evil.

Exactly, exactly. Now I'm guessing that should this potential

source of evil erupt in the world, then the estimated certain

and hideous death zone would be, er...

..this!

That's a whopper of a death zone.

As you are aware, Renfield, we have to move.

-Unfortunately, some of our previous options - Italy...

-Huh!

-..Haiti...

-Huh!

..fall inside the death zone. So how about, erm...

Where is it, where is it...?

Oh, there it is.

How about...

..Australia!

Austra...?

-Australia? Really?

-Yes.

-The land of year-round sunshine and beach parties?

-Yes.

-Is that wise?

-It's necessary, Renfield. That's what it is.

It's... It's...it's necessary.

Ah! What about North Russia? That's outside the danger zone.

Very isolated, very cheap.

Unfortunately, Renfield, I've made quite a few enemies over

the years and...and quite a lot of them were...

..in Russia.

Ah! What about Svalbard then?

That's night-time all day.

No, no, no, no. Definitely not.

The Viking vamps bear me a serious grudge.

It all happened at the Nach Bat Festival 500 years ago

when I, er, staked a couple of their clan

with their own helmet horns.

-Very messy.

-Ha-ha! No sense of humour them Vikings, have they!

Indeed, indeed!

So there's nothing for it - I must sell Garside.

And as quickly as possible.

And last night's dinner dregs are not a selling feature, Renfield.

-We have to clear this place up.

-Right. Ah!

I'll make you a list.

A list. No, no, no, no, no. Please not a list, not one of your lists.

OWL HOOTS

Right, Renfield.

Here's the list of things for you to do for the open house.

-"Declutter the clutter."

-Yes.

-"Air freshen of the air."

-Yes.

-"Wash the windows."

-Yes.

-"Buff the banisters."

-Yes.

-"Polish the pots."

-Yes!

Yes, and you need to do it all by five o'clock this evening.

Five o'clock?!

Yes, that's when breathers finish their day's work...apparently.

Oh. Breathers? What have breathers got to do with this?

-Oh, didn't I mention we're selling to breathers?

-No.

Yes, yes. Vamps always negotiate such lowball prices for everything.

-Stingy.

-Yeah, but breathers?!

Anyway, we have no time to lose.

-I think we should start with the...

-Scatter cushions?

Perfect. Come, come.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why are you so late?

In precisely two minutes, the sun will be up and I will be toast.

-Sorry.

-And, and what is that?

Rats for ratatouille. It's Renfield's signature dish.

If we are going to avenge our father we need to stay focused.

Yes, yes. I know.

-And I am.

-So, what have you got for me?

The Count is selling Garside!

-Is that it?

-Well, I thought it might be important.

And a couple of days ago I went through this mirror...

What about the breathers? Have you found out anything more about them?

No. Nothing. Except that they've gone.

Gone?

I guess we'll have to speed up our plans for revenge.

What do I need to do?

Find out some more useful intel -

and keep out of the way during the open house tour.

The Count will be opening his house to some unexpected guests.

There's an ancient ninja saying, Asan -

"Shape your world, or someone else will."

We're not going to let that happen.

Right. Be like a ninja...

Got it.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Vamp up a little or you're no son of mine.

Yeah, well I wish you weren't my mother.

I...hate..you!

There you go. Green tree frog tea.

It'll help with the shock.

I still can't believe she lied to me...

All parents are rubbish.

Hmm, but telling me the Count was my father...

That I was a Dracula. All those years.

Well, so you're not a Dracula.

Having their blood has its downsides, you know.

She wanted me to kill you all, steal the dynasty.

Well, she can't get to you now.

You made sure of that.

I thought Vlad was so pathetic - having a breather for a mother...

Vlad IS pretty pathetic.

Yeah, but at least he knows where he comes from.

I don't even know who my father is.

She wouldn't even tell me his name!

Renfield, the cupboards need clearing, the fireplace sweeping,

the furniture...waxing

and the whole place needs a good dusting.

Including you by the looks of it.

That's vintage, that is.

Cost an arm and a leg - that was a messy transaction

come to think about it. You can still smell the previous owner.

Ah! Ah, ah...!

Oh, talking of odours.

-You need to make some bread!

-Sorry, Master?

Yes, yes! Apparently, breathers

adore the smell of freshly baked bread.

I know, go figure.

One whiff at a house sale and they're...

..salivating all over their chequebooks.

So, er...

So, so...get baking!

OK. Can I just check?

Is this before I beat the carpets and scrape the oven?

Or after I check for bats and cockroaches? Hmm?

Don't try to be funny, Renfield. There's no time.

-There's no time!

-No time for jokes. Got it, got it.

Ah, and here you all are.

-What's going on?

-It's the middle of the day.

This better be important.

It is! It is!

I've decided it's time for a...a change of scene.

You know, Garside's run its course so I'm, I'm taking us

all to vamp pastures new.

-Australia to be precise.

-Huh!

Australia? Are you insane?

Either that or he's an idiot. Or both.

It might not seem the obvious choice, I grant you,

being one of the sunniest spots on the entire planet,

but, but, but...

Hand, hand...

Ta-da!

What is that?

Welcome to the all-new Dracula semi-submerged, eco-friendly villa.

Underground and under wraps.

Damp... HE SNIFFS

..and delightful.

We need to talk about this whole plan.

We need to scrap this whole plan.

Enough!

Now I must dress to impress,

something breather-friendly, perhaps.

You're selling to breathers?

Just trying to get the best price.

I want you all, ALL...on your best behaviour.

Renfield, Renfield - bread!

Bread!

You see, you should be pleased you don't have his idiot-blood

running through you.

Why don't I get you a nice bottle of Pinot Norwegian, hmm?

What have you got that Ingrid wants?

What are you talking about?

Just I've never seen her being so nice to anyone.

Ever.

Ingrid!

Ow!

HE EXCLAIMS

HE SHRIEKS

Ow! How many loaves is a lot of loaves?

Er, maybe one more batch? Right.

-Renfield?

-Uh-huh?

I have this friend.

And he's got this really great friend, and the two of them

have been through so much together and they're really close.

Oh, well, that is a lovely story.

Not really, because this great friend hurt my friend's dad

really badly and so my friend feels like he should

hurt this great friend back.

Yeah? Well, maybe it's his turn, yes. Right. Oh, I'm out of yeast.

He might even kill him. Even though he likes him.

And doesn't really like the idea of helping kill this friend who

he really likes.

What do you think he should do?

-What?

-Should I - my friend - avenge his dad or save his friend?

Hmm, well, look, revenge can be tasty.

But maybe your friend could speak to his friend about how

he feels, or something?

Hmm, maybe.

Oh, rats' tails. I'm out of yeast!

Hang on!

Essence of Beast. Yeast, beast, yeast, beast.

There's only one letter difference. Close enough.

-Oh, you smell that! Nassus.

-ASAN COUGHS

Ho-haw! Rise, my beauty, rise!

HE SCATS

KNOCK ON DOOR

Ah!

HE CONTINUES TO SCAT

HE SCATS

Come in. Ooh, what's that lovely smell?

Ooh, look, it's bread.

Ingrid??!

INGRID!!!

What are you doing?

Yes, come in, come in to our "lively" home.

We welcome you to historic Garside.

A bijou mansion, lovingly maintained with original features -

a renovator's dream.

Talking of which...

-Who do we have here?

-I'm Lindy McGregor.

-Ah!

-My husband, Colin, and I are looking to move the children

somewhere more peaceful.

Is the furniture included? Is that a bat?!

And ball set, yes, yes.

For the beach, the beach. We're a very, er...

..sporty family.

You know the best way to make money on this place?

Reinvent it into luxury apartments.

You, my friend, could make a killing.

Eh? I'm Marcus.

All very possible.

And we've certainly some entrepreneurial viewers here.

And you are...?

Waiting for the tour to start. Hm.

Yes, yes of course. Well, follow me.

We'll, we'll start with the kitchen.

You seem to have a...quite a fondness for baking, Mr Count.

I love my food.

Bread or alive.

Well, if you'll come this way...

It's you, isn't it? Don't make eye contact.

We need to be careful. My brother sent you, didn't he?

What are you gabbing on about?

We're doing the right thing, aren't we? For my father.

You...? You're very odd.

Shut it, squirt-face.

Oh. Did my brother send you?

Your brother told us to protect you,

but if you carry on drawing attention to yourself like this,

we might have to add YOU to the victim list.

We mean it. Now scarper!

Ingrid?!

Malik. Can I talk to you?

-You've been such a great friend to me...

-Not...now.

..and well, you know what it's like to have a father who's powerful

and important.

Someone who you look up to and admire.

Well, you see my dad...

Do not talk to me about fathers!

You're on your own in life, my friend.

But, Malik...

Well, he was de-fanged by you and your family.

But if you don't care, I don't see why I should.

-Hey, I've been looking for you.

-Ditto.

-Are you OK?

-No, no, no, no. I'm not OK.

In fact I'm the opposite of OK.

All this being nice to me - it's just so I won't go to the VHC

and tell them Vlad's a half breather, isn't it?

-Isn't it?

-INGRID SNARLS

I'm not a Drac any more

so I won't be held accountable for your father's crimes!

-I don't have to stay silent.

-Yeah?

Well, I don't hear you announcing to the world you're not a Dracula.

Maybe you have as much to hide as I have.

I could destroy you and your entire family!

Yeah, and what would you have then?

A shapeshifting mother you can't trust

-and no idea who your father is.

-Shut up!

You're a no-one, Malik, you threw your own mother into the abyss!

And when - IF people find out that you are not a Dracula, you...

Don't blackmail me.

I'm not blackmailing you.

Yes, I've been pretending to be nice,

but only so that you could see we make a good team.

What are you talking about?

-We could work together.

-Ha!

Take over the Dracula dynasty. Partners.

Equal partners, each with a secret on the other to hold the bond.

You really think I'd believe you?

THEY SNARL

And here we are...

THEY SCREAM

-W-W-W-Why do they have fangs?

-Erm...

-Wh...?

This is my daughter, Ingrid, my, my...my son, Malik, erm...

The fangs, er, the fangs... are a costume.

Yes, yes, that's right, yes. Erm...

They're, they're rehearsing... for a dancing competition.

-Ooh, I love dancing.

-Oh, really?

Colin and I were Lyme Regis Jive King and Queen 1994.

-Oh!

-Can we see some moves?

-No!

Yes! Of course you can. Of course.

You didn't explain about the, er...the fangs!

What, what?

Erm... They're dancing the fang-o.

RATCHET SQUEAKS

RECORD PLAYS

Ah! Ah, yes.

Lilyanna De Castro.

The delicious Argentinian goreas.

-We could floor you with an arpeggio.

-Ooo!

You see - they're all idiots.

You and I must work together.

I have Dracula blood. You have no breather relatives.

Together we have everything.

Why should I believe you?

Because if either of us talks, we're done for.

Deal?

Deal.

Oh, well! Marvellous. Marvellous.

Such talent. What an ending.

That wasn't the ending.

No, it's just the beginning.

Let's go to my quarters. We've got planning to do...

I like to call it Gothic nooo... Oh! ..nouveau. This way.

What's in here?

Nothing. Nothing important, er...

I'd like to see inside.

Well, perhaps we could see it on the way back.

If we remember... So many more interesting rooms, please.

Please!

Please. And please. Get in there.

"Indescribable kitchen!"

What does that even mean?

Dad! We need to talk.

-Ah, Vlad, my boy.

-Targets in sight.

We need some hard selling here.

This really isn't going very well.

Why's it so dark everywhere? Why is it so dark?

Oh, my dear lady, you should celebrate

the gloomy pall of the evening.

So much more flattering to the older skin tone.

What? I'm 38 at the oldest!

SHE SOBS GENTLY

Vlady, Vlady...

Er... Ladies and gentlemen,

what's unique about this particular property

is the bat colony located in the west wing.

Brimming with bats all year round.

What? That's appalling.

So that, that was a live bat in that cupboard?

Oh, yes, and of course, you know the house comes with the added

bonus of dear Renfield here as a sitting tenant.

-What!

-No getting rid of the stinky old cruster.

-SNARLING

-What is that?

It's a beast loaf. Made with pure beast gut essence.

I ran out of yeast, all right?

Well, that's truly ghastly.

No-one could invest in this place!

OK, I'm going home now.

No-one is going anywhere.

-IT SNARLS

-Argh!

Oh, look I've had enough! Come on - run!

Argh!

HE LAUGHS

No, no!

I don't want to die.

Key, key we, we, we need a key.

-GIVE ME THE KEY.

-Don't have a key!

I've got a key!

HE CRIES OUT

No, no, no! That is not a room you want to go into. Believe me.

-No, I've gotta go in that room, trust me.

-Ha!

Gotcha.

Now say goodbye.

Goodbye.

No. I can't go in this room.

-I can't go in this room!

-Get in!

MYSTERIOUS SOUNDS FROM BOX

What the devil is that?!

That is more reason to panic.

-Let her go. Just take me.

-IT SNARLS

Don't try that big hero stuff with me.

I get good money for the both of you.

Vampire bounty hunters!

Who are you working for?

None of your business. Now, shut it.

I don't understand. You smell like a breather. You've got a pulse.

HE LAUGHS

Surge spray. Creates a breather pulse so real,

you'll want to bite me.

In case you ever want to pretend to be a filthy breather...

Now, let's get down to the business of dusting. Huh!

Master, Master, Master!

Master, Master!

I've been thinking - why don't you smoke your way out of here?

Save yourself.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Did you say, "Why don't you smoke?"

I won't buy a smoker's house.

It didn't say that in the ad!

Nor did it mention bats, or life and death situations, locked in rooms!

Go, Master, go!

I can't, I can't! It's weakened me, Renfield.

What now? What now?!

SCREAMING

Garlic gas!

This is it. The ghastly, ghastly end!

Here. Like this.

A weakened, tragic figure.

Locked up with the breathers. The normals.

-The despicable ordinaries.

-Be quiet!

SCREAMING CONTINUES

So, tell me,

what is it like to only have minutes to live?

That's a nice piece you've got there. What is it?

VK25 - latest model.

Full shield safety protection for the operator, precision focus

-and high speed burn.

-Nice!

Hmm!

WHIRRING

Does it have a V8 speed reload?

Well, yeah, it's just here, you see...

ARGH!

HE CONTINUES SCREAMING

-I don't understand.

-Kai! What happened?

He can't be beaten. Go!

No, run. I said go!

Who are you working for?

Never. A bounty hunter never reveals...

and..he...never...gives...in.

Just call me the Super Ninja Spy.

BANGING

BANGING CONTINUES, WOMAN SQUEALS

Asan, Asan. Asan, thank you, thank you,

thank you - you've saved my life.

I'm fine.

We want our money in full.

HE LAUGHS

You've got to be kidding. You didn't even complete the job.

We had a danger clause in our contract.

We could have been dusted in there.

Look, either we get our money. Or else...

Your job is supposed to be dangerous, you wimp.

You're the worst bounty hunter I've ever employed.

Ow, w-w-wait - the boy in the cage - it didn't affect him.

-He grabbed me.

-Stop babbling.

If you have nothing useful to say, then it's best you not speak at all.

You have to listen to me...!

Now, I need to end the Draculas.

That's exactly what I'm going to do.

It's been lovely.

Very informative.

Nice to meet you.

Safe journey home.

Well, some excellent hypnotism.

Thanks.

They won't remember a thing.

Goodbye.

Ugh, you know, it's been ghastly keeping breather hours.

That is the least of our worries.

You just let vampire bounty hunters into the house.

And then you let them escape - alive!

Why are they even here?

Somebody must have put a price on all our heads.

Who?

Well, I don't know.

Oh, brilliant, truly brilliant(!)

Someone set bounty hunters on us

and we've no idea who or when they'll strike next.

Oh, with Ramanga dead, I thought the threat to our lives would be over.

Wait a minute.

Where were you when all this was going on?

It seems strange.

The rest of us were nearly dusted by hired contract killers

while you were nowhere to be seen.

I didn't hear a thing.

I'm all the way over in the east wing, remember?

-Oh, fan, fan.

-Which reminds me -

why is there a biohazard sign outside of Ingrid's old room?

What, what, what? Oh, no, it's nothing. Just a precaution.

You never know what unpleasant, smelly,

girly products she's left lying around in there.

Eh, Renfield?

Uh? What? Oh, yeah, all those stinky old creams and lotions.

Oooh, terrible, oh yuck!

And you know me, safety first...

which is why now, more than ever, we need to move home,

keep ourselves ex-directory.

-Er, I am not moving...

-Ah, ba, ba, ba, ba! No arguments.

Renfield, put an ad in the Vampire Times.

We need to lower the price and sell

to money-grabbing bloodsuckers after all...

But we must be gone...soon.