Sticky

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

# A sticky situation #

Yo, check out this new Lolcat video! It's proper mental!

Later. I'm watching and live-tweeting Game Of Zombies.

What's Game Of Zombies?

It's the award-winning spin-off of Game Of Thrones and The Walking Dead.

What's happening now?

Two of the zombies are shagging and a dragon's just sitting there, watching.

Super friends, look!

My expose about the school canteen

is the second story on the school news site. Woohoo!

Remind me why we hang out with him again?

His brother sells good weed, trust me!

Ziggy, what would you rather do it with?

A zombie or a dragon?

-Zombie.

-Why?

-Zombie's human-shaped.

If I squint, I can pretend it's Holly Willoughby.

Holly Willoughby?! Ziggy, are you a lesbian now or something?

I just have this feeling I might really enjoy eating muff.

Yeah, I have that feeling, too.

What about you, Herbert?

-Zombie or dragon?

-Neither. I don't have time for relationships.

Not if I want to be number one reporter of the College Gazette.

Wow, can I have a look?

-Ziggy!

-Talk nerd again and I'll spit on your back!

Hey!

What about you, Ashley? What would you rather bang? Zombie or dragon?

Dragon, innit? Come on!

A dragon's massive.

-You'd get lost in there.

-And it can breathe fire.

What if it coughs while you're doing it?

It could burn your face off.

I'd just do it doggy from behind.

Then, it would only set fire to the headboard.

-Of course!

-It's Dragon Shagging 101.

Wow, you have really thought this through, haven't you?

You've got to be prepared for every type of situation.

Forget that. Check out this cat video.

It's not loading, knobhead.

Where's this flipping internet?

Ssh! We're about to find out who's going to kill the zombie president.

-Ooo!

-Cool!

-The killer...

-Yeah.

..is...

Who is it?

COMPUTER BEEPS

Not connected?! What the f...?

Inside voice, Jay.

-Inside voice.

-What the hell, man?!

-There's no need to get discombobulated.

-No!

We'll just turn the router off and on again!

Fuck! My 3G's gone!

Someone better get me back on the internet right now,

or I'm going to kick off!

What have you shitty people done to mi damn internet?!

I'm trying to sexy Skype!

-Oh, my...!

-No!

-No!

With one of mi classy international gentlemen friends.

And mi Wi-Fi, dead!

Do they all look like that?

I am no longer a lesbian!

If I'm not getting connection, him not getting erection!

It looked like it was trying to communicate.

Oh, Gran, please put some clothes on!

My house, I wear what I like!

Even if it is mi Agent Provocateur crotchless panties.

Stop it!

Guys, I've got a feeling in my bottom.

And it's telling me that it's not just Ashley's internet.

Maybe this is like a global ting.

That's right, Ashley.

It is a global ting!

See, told you!

-At 4:45 today, the internet disappeared worldwide.

-Eh?

Fuck!

There's panic on the streets,

as citizens ask what the fuck is going on.

SHOUTING AND FIGHTING

In New York, similar scenes of mayhem!

Oh, my God! No Twitter! What does Justin Bieber think?!

-Oh, what does Justin Bieber think?!

-SCREAMING TRAILS OFF

In Washington, the disappearance of Twitter has caused President Trump

to suffer some kind of mental breakdown.

During a live TV address, he was seen

writing on the walls with his own shit. Using 140 characters or less.

If there's no Twitter, do I exist? #OrangeLivesMatter.

People who usually shop for groceries online

have resorted to cannibalism.

This man has decided to eat his wife.

Oh, she's as delicious as she was beautiful!

Aren't those cans of beans behind you?

Yeah, but I don't like beans.

Internet - gone!

What are we going to do?

I say we go outside post-haste, survey the area.

Are you crazy?!

There could be bears out there!

There weren't any bears out there before.

Yeah, but maybe all the bears was on the internet.

And now the internet's gone, bear fucking city!

-We're screwed!

-You gets me!

Oh, God.

# I found myself in a sticky situation

# A sticky situation

# A sticky situation

# Tell me, what do I do... #

BELL RINGS

I need to know who killed the zombie president.

I won't sleep till I find out!

It's been 72 hours!

I'm starting to feel weird!

They say sleep deprivation can make you hallucinate!

-Do you think that's true?

-Well, from what I know about...

-No, sorry.

I were talking to the Nazi clown-spider Simon Cowell next to you.

-Oh.

-The one with tits.

We love you, Jay. Be one of us! Merge with us.

Oh, this no internet bollocks is fucked up!

I miss Tinder!

I've had to work out a way of doing it in real life.

-Ugly...

-You what?

-Too fat.

-What?!

-Looks like my dad...

That is my dad!

Ziggy! Don't tell your mother you saw me here!

Without the Lolcat video, my life is empty!

It's like someone bent the world over a table

and sucked the fun out of its arse.

Right, the internet's gone.

Where did it go? We don't know.

Is it coming back? We don't know.

Where do eggs come from? Eh?

We don't know! They just appear underneath chickens.

It's fucking weird.

So, what do we do now the internet's gone?

Well, you'll be happy to hear

that the government is prepared for such a situation.

# You're fucked! #

Oh. Well, that's disappointing.

We're done for! We're effed!

In the B! By a very big D!

Timesed by, like, a million and six percent, multiplied by 400 billion.

Which would be...?

-Um...

-0.00046853146, or some bollocks like that.

-Why?

-He's right!

What is going on with your brain?

Fucked if I know!

Well, I'm no scientist, but my best guess would be

that it's a side effect of the internet going down.

Now that Ashley isn't using 90% of his brain to watch cat videos...

And God knows what else...

..his natural intelligence is reasserting itself.

Wow. Looks like Ashley has taken your role as the smart one, Herbert.

I imagine it's only temporary.

It's only temporary, isn't it?

-Isn't it?

-I don't know. I don't care. It's the end of the world.

I'm huffing glue out of a plastic bag.

I can't handle no internet.

It's made me look around and notice shit.

I mean, what is that big, weird yellow sky ball?

How long has it been there? What does it do?

And why does it make my eyes hot when I stare at it for too long?

Ladies, and twats.

Oh, now your brother's turned up, Zig, this is great.

Mum just lumbered me with him. He got suspended again.

Chucked the school gerbil out the second-floor window.

It looked at me funny.

Had to be done.

I'm in charge. You don't leave my sight.

And I don't want you getting up to any of your crazy shit,

like when you sold chemical weapons to North Korea.

That is not ricin.

That is MDMA!

Whoo!

I love it!

It turns out, it was ricin.

I was just a middleman.

But whatever. Herbert, where's your brother keep his weed?

Hail to thee, morning lark, bright-voice messenger of the day...

What are you doing?

Oh, what the fuck? Oh, my shitting God.

I'm writing poetry.

What's poetry?

It's like a rap for sad white people.

What... What's happening to me?

-I don't like it.

-Don't worry, Ash,

we'll find a way to reverse this and make you thick again.

And I... I mean, everyone will be happy.

-You promise?

-I pinky promise.

-Hey!

-We need the internet back now.

I've got that feeling in my bottom again,

and it's telling me something fishy is going on.

-You got that right!

-Whoa!

-Ah!

-Craig, the creepy school caretaker.

What the giddy knickers are you doing at my house?

I live in your shed.

Phew! That's a relief. I thought it was going to be something weird.

I like the shape of your head.

Can I stick my fingers up your nose and try and touch your brain?

No, you cannot, you weird bastard.

What do you know about the internet disappearing?

All I know is that this new world order

is built on a lie.

If you want to know more

you should talk to my secret source from my days

on the dark web.

But you're going to have to go somewhere you've never...

-ECHOES:

-..been before!

Ugh. Place smells like Godzilla's ball sack.

-Where are we?

-It's a library.

People used to congregate here to read stuff.

Expand their minds.

But, like, it's mainly where homeless people go toilet.

My Herbert senses are telling me we're onto something.

And my Ziggy senses are telling me that you're a right prick.

You all right, Ziggy? You seem troubled.

I've just read a shitload of books on feelings and stuff.

-Maybe I can help.

-I just got this feeling that I've forgotten something.

Yo, a-holes. Ziggy!

Sweet. Taxi.

-Where to, son?

-The airport.

-But first, take me to the best titty bar in town.

-You got it.

Oh. A first edition of Stephen Hawking's A Brief History Of Time.

I'm so excited I could just cream my pants!

Oh! Oh!

Did you actually just cream your pants?

A little bit, yeah.

I need to sit down.

What the...?

Huh?

I am not going down those stairs.

There could be bears down there.

Stairs bears.

What is it with you and bears, and stairs?

I just don't trust bears, OK?

Believe me. I learned the hard way.

# I love those bears, bears, bears

# I love those big bloody bears

# Bears are a boy's best friend

# They are so very nice They're not scary

# But they're usually very hairy

# Bears are a boy's best friend. #

Yeah!

I love those big brown bears...

Mum!

Jay! You wasn't meant to see this.

-Oh.

-AAH!

Well, this is awkward.

Oh, my God.

Fine. Let's go down the scary secret stairs.

But don't say I didn't warn you.

Yes. We've been expecting you, yes.

-What the hell is that?

-We are librarian.

The librarian! Welcome to our home.

Welcome. Shh.

-No talking!

-HE FARTS

Did he just shit out a mouse?

-Wow.

-See?

This is exactly why I don't read.

Mr Library Troll, I am Herbert Maloney,

roving reporter for the Shatford College Gazette.

Hello. Please, tell us, what has happened to the internet?

Shall we tell them?

Yes, tell them.

No, don't tell.

But Librarian like the human.

No. Humans are stupid!

Man, can you stop doing the Gollum Lord Of The Rings impression?

It's tired, man.

Fair enough. The internet disappearing wasn't an accident.

-It was planned.

-Are you saying...

Yes. Someone has kidnapped the internet.

-But who?

-It was...

Oh!

We're being attacked by books!

Eat knowledge, scumbags.

Whoof!

Wait. He's still alive.

Tell us, weird chum, where is the internet?

Follow this map. You will find what you're looking for.

I can feel myself fading away.

Herbert. I need you to do something for me.

Of course. I'd do anything, anything.

I need you to...

..pop my willy in your mouth.

-Uh...

-Come on, what are you waiting for?

It's his dying wish.

Throw the lips to it.

Oh, God.

# A sticky situation

# Yeah. #

Guys. Doesn't anyone else see how mental this is?

Maybe we should just turn around and go home.

We've come too far to give up now.

I've just nibbled a willy.

He's got good technique.

You had to do it. It was his dying wish.

But he didn't die.

When I finished he perked right up.

He cycled home.

Oh. Wow.

I know we're scared, but the internet is down there,

somewhere, alone and afraid.

Oh! I got a lady boner.

Oh, God. This is it.

OK, super friends.

Let's do this!

Aaaah!

You know, I still can't shake the feeling I've forgotten something.

# ..in a sticky situation... #

-Woo!

-Woo!

I'm going all in.

Blow on them, baby.

No. I meant me nuts!

Oh, hey!

OK, mega chums, we need to get in that castle and rescue the internet.

The only way up...

Whoa, Ash, are you feeling all right?

Bit of a migraine, but apart from that I'm solid.

Did you know... Did you know that everyone has a unique tongue print,

just like fingerprints?

The square root of 6,000 is 7.459...

-What's happening to him?

-I'm no scientist,

but I think he's so full of knowledge that if we don't do something soon

-he's going to blow.

-Female kangaroos have three vaginas.

-Ah!

-Ah!

-Intruders!

-Kill them!

Oh, tiny little testicles. Run!

-Shit!

-Ahhh!

GUNFIRE AND SCREAMING

HE BABBLES NONSENSE

What is this?

Fuck a duck.

Ash's brain is so clever, he's acquired telekinetic powers.

This is fucking mental!

-Wow.

-What is going on?

I'm no scientist, but I think Ash has gained power over matter itself.

He's dismantled the guards, atom by atom,

and now he's rearranging those particles into a...

into a, a...

..a cow.

-OK, so is no-one else going to say it?

-Oh...

This is some totally fucked-up shit!

Freeze, bad dudes!

Who are you and what have you done with the internet?

It appears we have guests.

And... Sorry, but where did that cow come from?

The party's over.

You rotter, or should I say

chairman of the Librarians Association, Professor Nerp.

Well done. You worked out who I am.

-You saw that written on his badge, didn't you?

-Yep.

Whoa, that's Russian President Vladimir Putin.

-Oh, Vlad's got nothing to do with this.

-Then what he's doing here?

Oh, he just popped by.

We're mates. We go to the same gym.

Would you guys like a chocolate brownie?

Oh. Yeah, please.

Too late! Vladimir Putin has licked all the brownies.

That means they are his now.

-That's gross.

-So why would a librarian want to kill the internet?

In the past ten years, 95% of libraries have been shut down.

It was either us or the internet.

Do you think people maybe don't want to read your boring books no more?

Yeah. And if we were meant to read books,

why did God invent action movies?

Answer that, dickhead.

Your plan won't work, Professor.

Oh, it's not my plan.

It's mine!

Everyone, drop your weapons.

Oh. Bambi Facesquat. I've watched all your pornos.

Oh, thank you.

So you must be Bobby Bustanut.

-The Porn King.

-Damn right.

Is it true you got your nuts insured for 1 million?

These guys are covered for third party fire and theft.

Theft? How could someone steal your balls?

It's the porn industry, man.

Crazy shit happens.

That's why I fitted mine with an old car alarm.

-The chicks love it.

-ALARM BLARES

So cool, right?

But, what's porn got to do with all of this?

Surely to the internet has made you billionaires.

No. We're classic porn, man.

High production values.

-Seen it.

-Enduring screenplays.

-That's a good movie, that.

-Shocking twists.

-Cliff-hangers.

-Oh, that's a classic.

Classy shit.

This is the internet.

And this is internet porn.

And we're going to blow it all sky-high.

-Yeah.

-And put libraries back in our communities.

Yeah. And classic porn.

-And classic porn.

-And classic porn libraries.

And, and classic porn libraries...

-Yeah.

-Maybe.

-Maybe we could have

a little classic porn section in the libraries.

I, I, I'm pretty sure that wouldn't be appropriate.

Sure it would, you know, with a velvety curtain.

Yeah, or bead.

-Bead curtains?

-Classy.

Look, can we...

Can we talk about this after we've blown up the internet?

Yeah, yeah. Sure, man.

OK, Bambi. Set the timers to one minute.

-Got it.

-Guards, kill these assholes.

-Ja.

-I'm sorry, guys.

It's nothing personal,

but this is how shit rolls in the high-stakes world of the classic

pornography business.

-Fire!

-No, no, no! Aargh!

-What?

-Hey?

-Yes!

What the hell's going on?

Douchebags!

Hayes! What are you doing here?

I was in the area, thought I'd pop by.

-Comrade Hayes.

-Putin!

-You what?

-He's a friend of a friend.

Sometimes I sell him a little ecstasy, I mean, what of it?

Try this, suckers.

-Shit!

-Goddamn limeys!

Babies are born without kneecaps.

I am no scientist, but I think Ashley's mind's at breaking point.

He can't take any more knowledge.

He's about to blow.

Must end this bullshit.

Sayonara, ignoramus.

Must turn on internet.

Now, Ash, now!

Must kill brain.

I've got a signal!

EXPLOSION AND SHOUTS

-Give me the gun.

-Screw you!

GUN CLICKS

-Tits.

-Ha! Too bad.

Ahh, my balls!

Told you. Bear fucking city.

Jay, I'm sorry I came between you and your mother.

I never meant to hurt you like that.

You will always be like a son to me.

You are forgiven, my friend.

Go in peace.

GUNSHOT

Prick.

Ashley. Come on!

I'm sure I can bring it with me.

It's not worth it, bruv.

I can almost lift it.

No porn's worth dying for.

Whhhyyyyy?

See you at the club!

What? We went strawberry picking once.

# A sticky situation!

# Yeah. #

I don't know what you lot did, but thank you.

Now I can sexy Skype again.

Think nothing of it, ma'am.

Just another day's work for a budding school reporter

-and his mega chums.

-Lickle more!

So Ashley isn't a genius any more, then?

No. Now his brain is full of pointless shit again,

his IQ's returned to its natural level.

In fact, I think it might be lower.

Lolcats. Heh-heh-heh.

I've done it! I finally got the number one story.

-Yeah.

-Nice one.

-You know, I learned something today -

that when four super best friends stick together...

-Herbert, the Gazette's got your name wrong.

-What? What?

It says, "Written by Pube Maloney."

Pube?

It's the ending of Game Of Zombies!

Here we go.

-The killer...

-Who is it?

..is...

Nobody. Because this is all a dream.

-What?

-A dream.

What the fuck!

I waited all this time for that shit!

I did a dirty. So did we!

Oh!

Why does nothing that funny ever happen to us?

Ziggy, could you buy me and Vladimir Putin some beers, please?

This is the last fucking time.

Hey, result!

# I found myself in a sticky situation

# What do I do?

# Tell me, what do I do?

# I said, what do I do?

# What do I do?

# I found myself in a sticky situation

# Yeah, a sticky situation

# Ooh, I said a sticky situation

# A sticky situation! #