Identity Absolutely Fabulous

# Wheels on fire

# Rolling down the road

# Best notify my next of kin

# This wheel shall explode. #

ALARMS BLARE

No, no! Snooze! Snooze!

Snooze.

MOBILE RINGS

Oh, God. Bubble!

Yes, I AM getting up

and in fact I would BE up if you weren't calling me!

SHE SIGHS

Come on, snooze! Snooze!

Snooze.

Oh, well, I'm awake now. Awake now.

ALARMS BLARE

Oh, yes, I'm awake now, I said. I'm awake now!

Oh, God!

-YOU'RE LATE!

-I am not late.

Anyway, darling, you've got work to do while I'm gone,

you know, you've got to update my website.

My website is me - it must be fresh, it must be happening.

Vitamin B,

ginkgo,

black cohosh,

-dong!

-Oop!

SHE COUGHS

All right, darling. Now, more blog, more flog.

I want, "I met Ulrika at a party. My favourite cheese..."

that sort of thing. Do it, do it.

-Shall I Twitter that?

-Yes, Twitter it.

And also stay here and don't let my mother in.

It's all right.

I'm here already, dear.

Oh.

Well, howdy, stranger!

It looks as though your jeans have exploded.

-It's a skirt, it's a skirt!

-Oh, a skirt.

-Anyway what are you doing here?

-Coffee, dear.

I haven't got time, I haven't got time.

I've got to go, you stay here, make sure she's not ever left alone

and frisk her before she leaves, all right?

-The whole house is alarmed now.

-GO, GO, GO!

Where are we?

-Brixton, madam.

-Brixton! Brixton! Wind down the window!

Play some dubstep, dis my hood.

-Hey, Brixtooon.

-DUBSTEP MUSIC STARTS

Brixtoooon, yeah.

Hey, wha'gwan? Wha'gwan?

What? No, no, they'll take the... Drive, drive, now drive, drive!

Drive like the wind!

FOGHORN BLARES

You're late.

Darling, you've been in there for two years.

I don't think two hours will make that much difference, will it?

Oh, let's look at you, darling.

Oh, look at you. Old skinny-winny.

You're skinny-winny thin, aren't you, sweetheart?

Didn't you eat your slop?

I missed you, darling.

Going to give Mum a hug?

Give Mum...a hug.

Yes, I've ballooned!

You could have come and visited. Gran did.

Look, darling, I've been hindered by this huge,

recent trunkal obesity, haven't I?

And anyway, darling, I did. I did try.

You know, they wouldn't let me in.

You have to come at visiting times.

Oh, visiting times. Visiting... That's very strict, isn't it?

I was banging on the door!

Probably too ashamed to be seen visiting your daughter in prison.

Oh, no, darling, that's cool.

Oh, yeah, kids in pris.

We got a little club -

me, Bryan Ferry, Dave Gilmour, we've got Kids in Pris Club.

And actually, darling, your crime - your little crime -

ain't so bad as some of them.

What was yours? Simple fraud, was it?

I didn't know.

No. Fake passports for asylum seekers?

I didn't know!

Darling, you are innocent till proved guilty

and you've been proved guilty, so we can stop there, don't you?

Oh!

-Hello, sweetie.

-Hello, Dad.

No, no, no! Not on my surfaces! They're hewn from ancient forests.

No, no!

CHAMPAGNE HISSES

-Well, what are you doing here?

-Well, I can't stay long, dear,

I've got a car boot to get to.

Oh! Well, jump in, slam it shut and throw away the keys, please!

Hey, hey, hey, this is Saffy's moment.

-You look great. You look great, sweetie.

-You do.

-Have you managed to talk to Jane yet?

-Who's Jane, darling?

Your granddaughter.

She's called Lola. I think we agreed on that, darling.

Anyway, is she going to come back from Africa now?

No, she's in school. I'm going to go out there.

Eddy! Eddy, where have you been?

I'm...I'm here, Saff. I'm here.

-Well, I must be off. Bye, dear.

-Bye-bye, Gran.

-See you soon.

Are you out for a long time?

For ever, Gran.

Oh, jolly good. Keep in touch.

Not so fast. Come here, come here, come here.

Is that really necessary?

Yes, because of the few possessions I have left in this house,

there isn't one that hasn't made an appearance

on some Antiques Roadshow Flog It Up David Dickinson's Arse.

Thank you. You may go.

Nothing for the car boot, then?

Just you!

SHE GROWLS

-Darling, what are you doing, Pats?

-Respect, Eddy.

Respect for doing bird.

Darling, you know I know certain people -

the hacks, the hogs, the pigs, the snouts, the bulls.

-The guards?

-The guards, yeah?

Yeah. Well, they tell me that word has it that she was top dog.

What, Saffy?

Yeah.

So cheers!

Cheers.

Cheers.

After living with you two all my life,

believe me, prison was like a spa.

-So sweet.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

SHE BELCHES

-So, what's been happening?

-What's been happening?

I feel like I've been away ages. What's new?

Oh, well, fashion-wise, the colour block is over.

Oh, is it? Oh!

-Yeah. Donatella is still with us.

-How?!

-And we're loving Ferragamo pumps and tassel brogues.

-Yeah.

I love pumps, I love wearing pumps.

-No, Eddy, darling.

-Why?

-No, not flats on you.

-Why?

Mrs Pepperpot.

Oh! Thank you.

Thank you for making me feel good about myself,

at a time in my life, darling,

when every fat cell I've ever lost or gained

has come back for the fat cell reunion of the year.

I don't suppose even the credit crunch can tighten YOUR belt!

SIZZLING Ow!

Thank you, Pats.

What's happening, what's happening? Darling, what's happening?

Who are all these people? Darling, who ARE all these people?

Mum, I don't know.

Ask me, darling.

Who are all these people?

-I

-don't know!

They're just no-names, nobodies, sweetheart.

Look, there's a new disease called the Kardashians, darling.

It's just sort of spread.

-Like herpes.

-Yeah.

Each one with its own reality show.

-Yeah.

-They're multiplying like head lice.

-Yeah.

Darling, look at this fat one at the end.

Very soon, she will split like an amoeba

and become TWO Kardashians.

That looks like a boob. In fact, it's just another Kardashian.

It's another Kardashian.

I'm not interested. I meant, what's been happening in the real world?

Ooh!

They got married!

The nation's sweethearts, Katie and Wills.

Oh, my God, the Royal Wedding! Did you record it, Mum?

-No.

-Ooh!

A day like no other!

"I want to see them! I want to see them! I want to see them!

"I've camped out for 12 weeks, I want to see them!

"Oh, oh, oh! It's McQueen! It's McQueen!"

Oh, and the Archbishop of Candleford!

Oh! "Betwixt and between, bore, bore, bore, bore, bore."

And Pippa! Pippa!

Swish, swish, swish down the aisle.

Great, big, fat arse!

Swish, swish, swish!

No knickers!

Rear of the year!

Hey! Ooh, guess who I am.

Go on, guess, guess. Yeah?

Stop.

And then on the balcony...

-kissy, kissy, kissy, kissy, kissy.

-We've seen enough.

-No tongues, no tongues!

-Stop, stop.

-Please stop it!

Oh, Dad, is Aung San Suu Kyi out?

Sushi, darling? No, that's a staple!

Yes, sweetie, she's out. And the London riots...

Yes, awful.

Oh, I don't know.

Nothing wrong with a bit of extreme shopping.

It only takes one person to realise that's just a pane of glass, darling.

Just a pane of glass.

Oh, darling, the real news is

Patsy and I have been banned from Club 54 in Saint-Tropez.

Unfairly.

Ridiculous!

I mean, all I did was I hugged Elton John, darling,

and didn't realise he was breast- feeding his baby, that's all.

-You ran at him, Eddy.

-Yes, I was running, yes.

But I slipped on the lactation. I couldn't stop myself.

-You hit him like a bowling ball.

-Like a bowling ball.

-Elton John has a baby?

-Yes.

-How?

We think he got a big egg from Liz Hurley.

Cheers. Cheers, darling.

-KEYS JANGLE

-Lights out! Lights out!

KEYS CLATTER IN DOOR

Hello, darling, just thought I'd make you feel a bit more at home, you know, sweetheart.

-Oh!

-SHE CHUCKLES

Hello.

Oh, is that how long you are?

Are those your toes? How did you get that long, darling?

You were only that long when you left, now you're that long.

-You're going to bed early, Mum.

-Yeah, no, I'm going to watch The Killing, I got the box set.

I watch a Killing a night. It's a foreign thing.

-You're actually watching something with subtitles?

-Yes.

-Although I think Danish is pretty easy to pick up, you know?

-Go on, then.

Oh!

SHE SPEAKS GIBBERISH IN A DANISH ACCENT

EDDY CHUCKLES

It's a little joke in Danish - that's why you're laughing.

Oh, proud of you, Top Cat.

-Top dog.

-Dog.

So...

Oh, for God's sake, just ask!

All right. Was there any fiddly diddling in the showers?

No. there was no fiddly diddling in the showers.

Sounds dirty when you say it, doesn't it?

I did have lots of friends.

Oh, did you, darling? What? Pris friends, captive friends?

If you want any of your friends to come and stay, darling,

I would be cool, you know that, hmm?

Oh! Well...there is someone.

A special friend.

HER BREATH SHAKES

-No, not in a sexual way!

-Oh, darling, but come-mm-mm-mm-mm...

-Look, really, Mum, I'm not gay.

-Oh, for...!

-I'm sorry.

-That's all right.

So this "friend"...?

-I just felt very protective of her. She...

-Oh!

-She looked up to me...

-Oh, did she?

..and I thought it would be nice for her to visit when she got out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's cool, that's cool.

-All right, darling.

-CRACKLING

-What's that?

-Oh, that's just all my patches, sweetheart.

You're not still having the menopause?

No, I grieve for the menopause.

I haven't got any real hormones left -

I'm held together with gels, pills and suppositories!

It's good to be home, Mum.

Oh, good, it's nice to have everything back to normal, isn't it?

-Yeah. We should catch up.

-We should catch up.

What are you doing tomorrow?

Oh, darling, I have something wonderful planned tomorrow.

I'm going to be celebrating your release.

MUSIC: "Bulletproof" by La Roux

# Been there, done that Messed around

# I'm having fun Don't put me down

# I'll never let you sweep me off my feet

# I won't let you in again

# The messages I've tried to send

# My information's just not going in... #

Sexy.

No.

So, how have you been?

I didn't know you were coming out so early. It's great.

Yeah, well, I got the old jam roll, didn't I?

That's cos yous kept me on the straight and narrow.

See? So there are benefits to behaving well.

Yeah, nice. This is tasteful.

I reckon some of this stuff must have cost a fortune!

Um, do you want another cup of tea? It's funny, isn't it?

When you're inside, everyone does everything for you and now...

Of course, everyone is doing everything for YOU, hmm?

Oh, my God! I only just heard you were out!

Why did I only just hear?

Oh, oh! Oh, God!

So how was it? I was trying to come and visit you, but...

You'd been sectioned, yeah.

Yes.

How are you now? Are you OK?

Really well. Great pills!

The voices have stopped.

So how was it?

Was it scary?

Did you get beaten up at all?

-No.

-Oh.

Was there a...?

No.

Oh, Sarah, this is Baron.

Oh!

-She was my best friend in prison.

-Yeah.

Oh.

-Oh...!

-No.

-Ooh!

-No.

-Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Stop it!

The voices are back!

Phoo. That was weird!

-I'm sorry.

-I don't want tea - I want vodka, man.

Darling, what was Titicaca doing here?

Eh? Sweetheart, is your little pris mouse, your little pris friend here?

Yes, Mum, this is Baron.

Nice to meet you.

Oh!

Hello, Baron, yeah. Wh'appen?

So this is Pats... Oh.

Oh! So...

-..Baron.

-I like your place.

Yeah. Yeah, I lahk it, I lahk it.

Yeah. Yeah, my...my crib is nahs.

I really lahk it, I lahk it.

It's...it's like workin' it, workin' it.

And you know, Baron, well, if you lahk my haas,

you can, um, you can just, like, sort of, like, make it your hoom.

Yeah, yeah, cos you lahks my little girl, as well.

-Stop it.

-I can't help it. I don't know what I'm saying.

-Yeah, she's a sweetheart.

-Mm.

-Thank you.

So, Baron, what was you, um, busted for?

You know, what's you insahd... insahd for?

Oh, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. I'm cool, I am cool.

-You don't have to tell her.

-No, it was nothing, you know?

I'm no fish, but I was in just a bit, not a jolt, yeah?

And I just, you know catch a ride and sell some papers.

I mean, that was what they done me for.

They put you inside just for selling papers?

I want you to meet Pats. I'll get Pats.

You staying for munch? Lunch! Munch!

Are you staying...?

Pats! Pats!

Pats! Ooh! Pats!

Pats, darling! Pats, come and meet Baron.

What are you doing?

Eddy, Eddy, that one, that girl...

-Yes, she's lovely, darling, come and meet her.

-No, she's not!

She's a killer!

No, she's not, darling, she's just put in prison for selling papers.

Yeah, papers, Eddy - drugs, Eddy...

Oh, drugs!

To ME, Eddy!

You didn't dob her in, did you, darling?

-No, darling.

-Did you?

-I'm no grass, I hold my mud.

No, the thing is, Eddy, I need your help.

I need your help. I owe her money.

-Well, how much?

-Lots!

-Oh, God!

And she says if she doesn't get it, she'll kill me.

Oh, no darling, she's all right.

-And YOU, Eddy!

-Oh, Christ! Oh, Jesus Christ, thank you!

Did she see you? Did she recognise you, darling?

Did she recognise you?

Yeah. She did.

Hello, there, Aunty Patsy!

Hello! You remember 'ickle Baron, Aunty Patsy?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Yeah?

Nice. Tailor-made.

Yeah, well, only the best for you, Baron.

-Got any shit?

-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, darling.

I've got...

I've got a steak, I've got a spliff, I've got a thin one,

I've got a hooker, I've got reefer, I've got...whatever you want.

-I want my money.

-She hasn't got money. Patsy doesn't...

Shut up! Shut...

Yeah. Well, I want 50 buckets.

-Pardon?

-What?

-50 Derulos.

-What?

-50 Rios.

-Er...

-50 bags of sand.

-Speak English!

£50,000.

THEY GASP

If I don't get it, yeah, I'll stay here,

and your daughter in the meantime has got to be sweet to me.

She will be, she will be.

Yeah, she'll be very sweet to you, Baron.

She's SWEET to you. She will be.

-She'll be bloody sweet to you.

-Cool.

Oh, Christ!

Christ.

Do you like porcini?

I don't know what the shit that is.

Get me another drink.

Get it yourself.

Don't mess me about.

Baron, you can get yourself a drink.

But you is my little wifey.

YOU does it.

Your wifey?

Get...me...another...drink!

"THE KILLING" PLAYS

SHE SPEAKS GIBBERISH IN A DANISH ACCENT

Mum.

Darling, what are you doing here? You should be with your girlfriend.

She's not my girlfriend!

Sit down.

I hate to break this to you, darling, but she may have to be.

Why?

She's Patsy's old drug dealer, darling.

All right, hang on, don't blow off immediately. Hold, hold.

It's just that Patsy owes her a bit of money.

-Oh, my God!

-I know, but we're going to sort it, darling -

-you've just got to keep her sweet, all right?

-No!

All right, then we'll be killed in our beds. Is that what you want? No.

Go on, do as you're told. Go on! Go, go!

I'll sort this.

With clear, logical...

and Danish thinking.

SHE YAWNS

SHE GASPS

TRANSLATED FROM DANISH:

Sarah Lund.

SHE SPEAKS IN DANISH

Sarah Lund?

EDDY SPEAKS GIBBERISH

EDDY CONTINUES SPEAKING GIBBERISH

No, just leave the necklace.

The necklace doesn't mean anything here.

SHE CARRIES ON SPEAKING GIBBERISH

Sorry, I...I don't know what you're saying.

I'm speaking Danish.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

No, you're not.

I am!

'Mum. Mum!'

Oh! What? What, darling?

I'm scared. I asked her to go, and she won't. I don't know what to do.

Oh, God! Oh, I'll call Patsy.

-Where is she?

-She's in the attic.

Pats!

-Yeah, what's happening?

-She wants her money -

the money she says Patsy owes her. And more.

-Oh!

-Oh, I don't like this, Eddy. We'll have to kill her.

-Yeah.

Mum, Baron is serious.

All right, darling. Well, I haven't got that kind of money.

-I'm not cash rich.

-You must have SOME.

Darling, I invest in accessories.

My shoes are my hedge fund and my footsies are going down.

Well, shall we call the police?

NO!

This is your fault, you know, scamming drugs.

YOU invited her in!

Why haven't you got any money?

You never stopped working at that magazine - they must pay you.

Of course they don't pay me. Can't put a price on what I do!

Will you stop hassling Pats, please?

-You must have been paid. And paid National Insurance.

-Oh!

What about your pension?

How dare you?!

-I'm 39!

-39.

You don't get your pension?

-Eddy...

-Oh, my God, you must be owed millions!

Oh, stop it, darling. Nyee, nyee!

Don't!

You don't tell me "don't", little wifey.

Until I get my money, you my little wifey.

I like this house.

I like YOU.

What, was you thinking you was just a little fish, a first timer, and you was top dog?

I don't think so!

Yeah, you my pet, little girl, you my pet.

And no-one touches my pet, hmm?

SHE HUFFS AND SCOFFS

Done some serious negotiation.

And I think I've... Oh!

Oh, darling, she wants £70,000 now. It's going up!

Oh, let's just leave the country, Eddy, let's just go!

How could you spend that much on drugs?

-When was the last time you bought drugs?

-Oh.

This isn't the 1980s. I'm not talking second grade, you know,

I'm talking about Chanels of chemical mood enhancers.

I'm talking about opium from Afghanistan.

I am talking ayahuasca that has to be

blown from a shaman's pipe in the rainforest.

This is the Bugatti of pharmaceuticals.

-This costs!

-Give them up if you can't afford them, stupid woman!

Have you seen the price of methadone? Cheaper to buy crack!

Just sell something, Eddy!

Yeah, well, I haven't got anything left to sell, have I?

-That's true, dear.

-Yeah.

Well, you have got to do something.

What shall we do, darling? Shall we bake some money?

Shall we? Shall we bake some? Shall we magic it out of thin air?

Anyway, you should be downstairs, darling, keeping her sweet.

-No!

-Oh, what? You won't do a little bit of fiddly diddling,

and we get slit from ear to ear?

Well, thank you very much(!) Thank you, darling(!)

What about her? What about her pension?

Well, that's sixpence a week, isn't it?

£102.15, dear.

-Over how many years? Mum, that's a lot of money!

-Yes!

You need to go to the Benefits Office and fill in a form.

Have you got a birth certificate?

Salary slips? Bank slips? Household bills?

That's it.

You've got a passport!

Is that you?

Well, sort of. I got it from Johnny Fingers

down the Bull & Minge in the Isle of Dogs.

You haven't got anything?!

-No.

-Credit card?

-No, I...

-She uses mine.

-Yeah.

There's no record of you anywhere?

-Who am I, Ed?

-You're Patsy, darling. Patsy.

-Yeah!

You're nobody. You DO have to have paperwork.

Oh, you have to have paperwork to exist these days, do you? Oh.

-Maybe I don't exist, Eddy.

-Don't be silly, darling.

Maybe someone stole my identity. Maybe I'm just ectoplasm.

-Stop it!

-What am I going to do, Mrs M?

Well, dear, what exactly are we looking for?

Oh, God! Something official with Patsy's name on it!

Well, why didn't you say so, dear?

I think I might be able to help.

Here we are.

Here's your old Post Office savings book, dear.

Well, I haven't taken much out, just a little bit for buns and cakes.

BARON: Wifey! WIFEY!

Go on, then!

Get to work! Go on, get...!

-Hello.

-Yeah, hi, just come in and just take a seat, whatevs.

Right.

Oh, my God! Oh, God, I love what you're wearing!

Thank you.

-Is that the Prairie look?

-It is, yes.

-Oh, I love!

-Anyway my friend, here.

This one?

This one. She's never claimed her pension.

Right. Oh, well, that's easy-peasy.

You just need birth certificate, National Insurance number...

-Oh, let's go, Eddy.

-No, let's see this through, darling.

We don't have any of that.

Oh. Um, OK, so what's your name?

Eurydice Colette Clytemnestra Dido Bathsheba Rabelais Patricia Cocteau Stone.

Cool. So how old do we know you are?

-Um, what do you last remember, darling?

-39.

-39.

I don't know if this would help, it's her Post Office savings book,

-I don't know if that would help.

-Let me see.

Um... Oh, OK. Well, this is OK.

-Yeah?

-Um... There's still no record of a birth certificate.

I'm just checking through quite a few decades.

But National Insurance has been paid

on everything that's gone into savings, plus interest. Um...

So still no birth certificate.

Back, back. Sorry.

Back, back. Almost in dinosaur times.

I'm joking!

Back, back! Oh, bingo! I mean, blimey, here you are.

PRINTER WHIRRS AND CLICKS

-Oh, Eddy!

-Oh, darling!

-Oh!

-I'm a person!

Yeah, a very rich person.

A very OLD person.

BARON CHUCKLES

I can't believe this, man - Aunty Patsy came good.

You was all so easy.

Oh, well have some more.

-No, no, darling.

-Why pay less? Isn't that what they say?

No, darling, that's not what they say. That's enough, that's enough.

Go! Go! Go!

No, no, no. Oh, her! Yes, yes.

Oh, good riddance!

Oh! Cheers, darling, cheers.

-Thank you.

-Yeah, "Thank you." I should think so.

It's not exactly what you expect of your little daughter, is it, hmm?

Go to pris, bring home murderous drug friend, thank you.

-So how much has she got?

-Mills, darling.

Yeah, I mean, that Post Office book

bursting at the seams with all her magazine wages, you know?

And then her pension, darling, Thous, thous.

What are you going to do with all that cash?

No, no, sweetheart, no, no.

You've got to put it somewhere, darling. Put it somewhere.

Oh!

Here, sweetheart. Darling, darling, darling. Here.

-Oh, what's that?

-Stella McCartney.

Ooh! Hi, Stella.

No, darling.

No, sweetheart.

It's a wallet.

It's a wallet. A wallet.

-A wallet?

-Yes. A wallet.

I've got a wallet?

Wow!

# Wheels on fire

# Rolling down the road

# Best notify my next of kin

# This wheel shall explode. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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