Olympics Absolutely Fabulous

# Wheels on fire

# Rolling down the road

# Best notify my next of kin

# This wheel shall explode. #

Hello.

Hello, hello. Are you open?

I've got an appointment.

Stella!

-Oh, God!

-Any luck?

I think she just must have really weird opening times or something

in her shop, you know.

Oh, yes, that'll be it.

I mean, there's designers would kill to have me wearing their clothes.

I mean, I have put on a couple of pounds

but there's fatter women than me out there wearing Stella.

Of course there are.

Stop it! Stop it!

There must be someone still thinks I'm happening.

There is that one that's always on the phone.

-What?

-Begging, begging.

"Oh, please, please."

Who? Why don't you ever tell me these things?

You know, little drunken pirate.

"All ugly people go to hell. Go to hell and die."

John Galliano?

Yes.

Darling, that would be fashion death.

I don't think even Schindler could rescue me from that faux pas.

No, darling, go and make more phone calls, more phone calls.

Call Stella's people again.

Oh, God. Laundry in basement.

There's some old pants under my bed that need moving.

Mum!

I thought you were still in Africa.

I just got back.

Oh, sweetheart. Look at you. Ooh!

You and... Darling, sweetheart...

Darling, it's just you.

Where's my little granddaughter, Lola?

Where is she, darling? Where is she?

Mum, Jane is seven now. She's not going to be inside a biscuit.

Well, darling, where is she?

She lives in Africa.

Oh, lives in Africa! How am I supposed to see her, darling?

Take out a court order?

You could just get on a plane. I'm not stopping you.

I think you are.

So, I'm just stuck with you am I, now?

For six months of the year, yes.

Oh, God!

After all the time I've kept you alive, darling, with food, with money.

This is the thanks I get, is it?

Yes.

All right.

Mum, this place is a mess.

Yeah, but it's all biodegrading, darling, isn't it?

It's eco, sweetheart.

You let it go down to nothing and then use it as shampoo or something.

I read that. I read that.

Well, it's disgusting. Have you been eating in?

No, darling. There wasn't any food in and yet somehow today man comes with food.

I did a Waitrose order before I left Nigeria.

Oh. It's good being global, innit, darling.

It has its uses, global.

Is this all your filth?

No, Patsy's living...

Oh!

Yeah, oh! Oh, I'm sorry I've got a friend.

I'm sorry I'm not a little hermit crab living in a small shell under the sea.

I'm sorry.

What's all this Mother Africa?

What's all that? Hey?

-Well, Jane and John and...

-Lola.

..and the other wives...

Sss, wivesss, is it?

..gave me a big send-off.

I bet they did.

And this is traditional costume.

Oh, right.

So John me old Mufasa and his ten wives gave you a bit of an hakuna matata, did they, darling?

He only has nine wives, Mum.

Oh, what did he do, melt one down for glue, trade it in for a goat?

You are so ignorant.

Yeah, and proud of it.

Anyway, they've succeeded where I've failed all these years.

Look at you! Colour, colour!

-Where are you going?

-I'm going to change.

No, darling, no, darling. Stay here. I want to take a picture of you in colour.

I love it, I love it, I love it. Hang on. I'll get my camera.

Eddy?

Ed. Ed, darling.

Did you get my Tena Lady pants, darling?

Because it's just that I find I'm, you know, I'm needing them

more and more nowadays, darling.

I'm not completely secure when I sneeze, you know what I mean?

Ahhhh!

Incontinence pants?

-Oh! I will kill you.

-No, don't kill her!

Don't kill her. Don't' kill her until I've taken a picture.

Here we go. Ah, in colour, yes, for my Facebook. Here we go. Ha ha!

Any way, what are you two doing here?

We live here.

Yes, but I thought you were getting out of London for the Olympics.

No, darling, I rented my house to Michael Douglas.

-Michael Douglas, Eddy?

-Don't you remember Michael Douglas?

-Michael Douglas?

-Michael Douglas?

Yes, Michael Douglas you little budgerigar, Michael Douglas.

What the one that looks like an old tortoise who's married to Catherine Zeta Jones?

Is he going to bring Catherine with him?

She'd rather cramp his style.

PATSY AND EDINA LAUGH

Your style, you mean.

No. If Catherine comes, she won't be in London long.

She'll be off to the Mumbles, won't she?

Any way, darling, before he comes, we're going to have a full top-to-tail renovation.

We're going to have the Grand Designs of makeovers.

We're going to be exfoliated, augmented, liposuctioned,

lasered and lifted, darling.

I'll be wearing my buttocks as a head dress by the time he arrives.

And I'm going to have just a little tightening procedure.

Won't he have come to watch the Olympics?

(MOCKING) Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, Olympics?

No, darling! He's a player, but a player of a very different kind.

He's be our ticket to all the clubs in London, isn't he, darling?

He is Hollywood royalty, sweetheart.

Well, you better hurry up, because it starts this week.

What?

The Olympics.

What?

No! Darling, did you know it started this week?

-What?

-The, the, the, the running, the Olympics.

Where?

Oh, my God, how can you have missed it?

Even coming from the airport, it's everywhere.

Darling, it's been everywhere for five bloody years, hasn't it?

Will we, won't we? Will it be built, won't it be built?

Will we win? No, we won't.

Darling, excuse me if I missed it actually started.

It's been like tinnitus!

I am Spartacus.

Oh, God, Eddy - a talking sperm.

He's on his way.

-What? What, who, what?

-Spartacus.

Spartacus. What's... (GASPS) Michael Douglas?

He wasn't Spartacus.

No, I am Spartacus.

-I am Spartacus! I am Spartacus!

-Stop it.

He comes.

What, he's on his way from America?

No, from the airport.

No! No, no, no, no!

I was going to be thin. Oh, God!

Quick, get the Hoover, give me lipo, get a knife, slice off the fat.

You can't be here, darling. you can't be here, sweetheart.

Oh, yes, you can if you serve. Be staff, be staff.

Serve, sweetheart, and none of your lip, all right?

-Come on, Pats, we've got to get ready.

-Yes, but Eddy,

-I need a little bit of a tidy up.

-I've got a razor upstairs.

No, darling, I mean a real, you know, sort of clipping, you know.

-I need scissors.

-All right, sweetheart. I've got scissors.

You're disgusting.

Oh, it comes to us all, you know, darling. The swinging saloon doors.

What are you dressed as?

I represent a shattered Olympic dream.

SHE DOES AFRICAN CHANT

SHE ULULATES

Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous.

Sweetheart, sweetheart, look, darling,

I've got a few sexy bits and pieces. What do you think?

It's for Michael. For Michael.

Is he into that sort of thing?

No, I'd be wearing it, I'd be wearing it.

-Oh, no, Eddy, no.

-No? No, oh.

I'll just leave them about the house, give him a thrill.

PATSY LAUGHS

Oh, darling. Bloody hell, that's strong, sweetheart, isn't it?

I can't see if I'm making up a pore or a nostril. What's that?

-Oh, it's a nostril.

-Eddy, Eddy, darling, darling, darling.

How do I look? How do I look, Eddy?

I can... I think I can see a panty line.

-But Eddy.

-What?

-I'm not wearing any pants.

-Oh!

-Oh, no!

-No, no!

It's just folds of old skin, it must be.

No, no! Oh, Eddy!

-It'll be all right, darling. Darling?

-Yeah?

Darling, wear my control body. Wear my control body,

my elasticated control body. Come on, it's for Michael, it's for Michael.

We're going to be hitting the town, darling, aren't we?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, darling, you know, there's spank DJs out there

I haven't even danced to yet.

Honey Dijon is killing it. I haven't even lived it.

-And Narcissister, darling.

-What's that, darling?

Well, she's a kind of crazy disco performance artist.

She pulls things out of her pussy on a rotating platform singing I'm Every Woman.

He'll love that, won't he? He'll love that. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, there's so much stuff that's happening and going

and fierce and major out there and we're going to be there.

But those clubs won't have us any more.

Well, they will if Michael is with us, won't they, sweetheart?

Eddy, can't we just go to Shoreditch House, sit on a little sofa,

get in a few drinks, smooch a little waiter, see who's there.

-Lovely.

-No, no, no!

I will not let doors close on me yet, darling. I won't. Come on.

We're going to party and show him a good time.

-Yeah.

-Come on, let's get into these.

-OK, yeah.

-Pop your foot in.

-Pop in.

-Pop your foot in.

-Pop in.

Pop your little foot in. Now jump, jump, jump, jump.

-You want to jump?

-You jump!

-Well, look at you, dear.

-Oh, hello, Gran.

-Do you like it?

-Oh, yes!

I once had a table cloth like that.

Is that what all those others are wearing out there in the, er...

The, you know, hm-hm, hm-hm...

Harem?

Oh, it's not really a harem, Gran.

I feel very special when I'm with his other wives.

Good.

Erm, how is little Jane?

Oh, she's very nice and she's quite grown up.

She's not so little any more. I've got a picture.

Oh, she's beautiful, dear.

Definitely yours?

Yes.

Anyway, we've decided that I'm going to spend three months here

then three months over there because I've got such a lot of important work with the various charities.

And I don't want Lola...

Jane to have to keep changing schools.

Oh, no, no.

It, erm... It gets very hot out there, doesn't it, dear?

-Yes, it does.

-Mm.

And the bathroom facilities?

Squat and hope it doesn't hit your shoes?

Yes, it's a bit splattery.

Well, I understand why you've come back, dear.

-You and I like our comforts, don't we?

-Mm.

And Jane is very happy.

-Are you going to be watching the Olympics?

-Oh, yes.

It's one of the reasons I came home.

I want to watch it on the telly here because the coverage will be so much better.

-Will you?

-Oh, yes.

I shall be waving a flag for the BLTs.

You mean Team GB.

Oh, the gays and bisexuals, dear?

I thought they had their own games.

Come on, darling, come on, come on, come on. Step, step, step, step.

This, it's very, sort of, tight.

It's tight cos you're looking fabulous! Now stand, stand, stand.

-Stand, go on.

-Waaay! Oh!

-Come on, sweetheart.

-It'll be all right.

-Come on, darling.

Where's Bubble? Darling, go and get Saffy to bring up a tray of drinks for Michael Douglas.

What does he drink?

-He's an alcoholic, isn't he? I mean...

-So?

-Everything! Everything!

Come on. Come, come, come, come.

Are you going to sit here, sweetheart. Just...

-Visible panty line?

-No, darling, nothing, nothing. You're a tube.

-You're just a tube.

-It's not very easy, darling.

There you are, darling. You sit down.

PATSY SNEEZES

Darling, which end sneezed then?

-Both ends, Eddy.

-Oh, God.

Just stay sitting. Oh, the door! Oh, my God!

Clear, clear, clear! I'm getting the door!

Oh, Michael's at my door.

(GIGGLES) Michael!

Hi, hi, hi. It's us!

Hello!

You stay back. I'm going to make sure it's safe.

-Hello!

-Oh, my God!

Whoopi?

No, it's me.

-Queen Latifah?

-No!

-It's me!

-Oh, it's you! Of course it's you.

Then it's safe, Marshall. Come on.

What are you doing here? You can't be here.

-We've got Michael Douglas coming.

-Oh, no, no.

-He's not coming. He gave Marshall his trip.

-What?

-I've been his caddy.

-Oh!

Michael, Catherine...

No, it's not them! It's not them, darling.

What are you doing here?

-Well, Marshall caught sex addiction from Michael Douglas.

-Oh!

So I got him on a programme.

Really?

-Oh, you have nothing to worry about.

-Oh, I don't care.

You definitely have nothing to worry about.

-OK, thank you.

-I don't have sex addiction, Bo.

Do you hear that trickling sound, Marshall.

Yeah, that's a little river we call denial.

-Would you like a cup of tea?

-No, no, no!

Get out, get out! Why does nothing work for me any more?

I don't want you here.

I don't want you, I don't want you, I don't want you.

Why are you here and why are you so old? Mmm?

Have I been in a coma and just woken up? Look at me!

I mean, honestly!

I'm not a cup of tea, I'm a party girl!

I've still got it. I'm still going, I'm still alive.

Come on, Pats, we're still alive!

Still alive. I'm still alive. Come on, Pats.

Because we are still party girls.

God, why isn't there a pill to make people disappear? Come on, come on.

Pats, Pats. Pats. Pats.

Mum, stop it.

-She's not breathing.

-Breathe, breathe, Pats. Come on.

Oh, my God, what is she wearing?

That's just my control body. Just my control...

-Well, it's suffocating her.

-No!

Crushing what organs she has left.

-Do something!

-Go and get me some scissors.

-Let me help.

-Don't you get near that woman's crotch

or I'll twist your little head off.

-Come on!

-Mum, she hasn't got a pulse.

She doesn't have a pulse, darling. She's never had a pulse.

-Get out of the way, I'll do CPR.

-Oh, God!

Ah!

Uh!

-Michael, Catherine....

-No, no, no, it's not them, darling.

-So how are you both?

-We're fine.

We are not fine. Marshall.

Now keep your hands where I can see them.

I had to get him out of that depraved environment,

that crazy golf scene with Michael Douglas.

I was his caddy.

Oh, yes, anything for Michael.

Always looking for Michael's golf balls in the rough at night clubs.

"Oh, I'm just looking for Michael's golf ball,

"that's why I have my hand up this woman's vagina."

That didn't happen!

It happened. It happened, Marshall. Oh, and the golf parties.

Naked women spread eagle on the floor for putting practice.

And you get an Indonesian one and she pops the ball BACK to you.

Isn't that right?

Did you ever get a hole in one, Marshall?

-He's a sex fiend.

-Bo, you're having a bad menopause.

Saffy, all I want is a normal amount of sex.

Shall we talk about something else?

Oh, no. When there's something like this that's got its grip on you,

it's hard to let go.

Yeah, when you dance with a gorilla, the gorilla leads.

Oh, and you are the gorilla?

No, I'm not the gorilla. Don't you people know about addiction?

-She's got me on the 12 Steps.

-Yeah.

And it's a staircase, not an escalator.

You've got to work at it. You've got some stinking thinking, mister.

Oh, why don't we have a meeting?

I've got to go upstairs. Will you be all right, Gran?

Oh, yes, fine, dear. I shall plug into my iTunes.

She can stay in the meeting with us. OK, everybody ready?

All right, let's convene.

Oh, who do we have here? "Hello, I'm Susan."

Well, hello, Susan and welcome. "And I'm an alcoholic."

Susan, you're in the wrong meeting! This is sex addiction!

Isn't that funny? She wandered in. "I'm an alcoholic."

You're in the wrong... Go!

-Funny. Isn't it funny?

-Oh...

Another shattered dream?

How dare you!

Still very much alive.

-You all right now?

-Yeah, darling, fine.

Just waiting for a little kidney to get back into place.

It just feels like the world's closing up on me, darling.

There's so much new stuff happening out there and...

I just can't keep up.

-Do you mind, Eddy?

-What?

-I mean, do you mind?

I know what you're feeling, darling, but really, I just don't even care.

Oh, I suppose there is a certain numbness. Yes.

-I'm quite glad the old gecko didn't show.

-Are you?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, yeah. Cheers. Yeah.

You all right?

-Yes.

-Yes!

PATSY HICCUPS

-Mum?

-Mm?

-I want you to listen.

-Oh, God, here we go.

I don't understand why you're so desperate.

Because it feels like the whole world of doors is closing on me.

Closing, closing, closing.

Of course, but you're blind to the doors that are opening up to you.

Oh, oh, oh. You mean age appropriate doors, darling,

is that what you're talking about?

Well, let me tell you, where I want to be doesn't seem to want me.

Oh, for God's sake.

One of the biggest events ever in the history of London is taking place on your doorstep.

Why have you not taken an interest?

Cher is at the O2?

-The Olympics!

-Oh, no, Eddy.

Not bloody sport, darling.

Remember sport in school?

Just big blue pants and blotchy legs and a very tight aertex shirt.

And huge teenage knockers just wobbling, wobbling.

200 metres, blob, blob, blob, blob.

Hurdles.

Hurdles, hurdles, hurdles! Ow!

Are you blaming the games kit?

Yes, what's your excuse?

I was very good at games, you just never came to my sports days.

That's not true. I remember the eggyspoony race.

Yes, and you ate the egg.

-And she...

-Yeah I, I shagged the gym master on the long jump pitch.

You see, darling, we were there, we were there.

What are you going to do, just sit in here and fester?

-Oh, piss off!

-Piss off.

Fine.

But let me tell you, next time, it might be a case of "Do not revive" on your sad old corpse.

Urgh!

OK, Mama! Mama! Mama, you got something to share?

I'm watching an old Homes Under the Hammer, dear.

Listen, Bo, I don't have sex addiction. You have menopause.

Why can't you see that having menopause is a natural part of being a woman?

Why can't you see that being stupid is a natural part of being a man?

I still have hormones.

Yeah, my ovaries are popping around in there like a pinball machine.

Oh, there goes an egg.

Bo, you're bitchy and sweaty and sleepy and grumpy.

Oh, Marshall, what are those, the menopause dwarves?

OK. That's it. I'm going out. I need some air.

Oh, look who thinks he's God. Well, you know what,

if God were small enough to understand,

I wouldn't be big enough to be God.

-You're not God, Bo.

-No, but I'm bigger than you.

Don't go up those stairs. Do not go up those stairs. Do not go up.

Do not go up those stairs!

-Stop running with those little legs!

-I'm going out, Bo.

We have all these Michael Douglas invites,

and God damn it, I'm going to use them.

Wait for me, my wild mustang. Somebody get me my lasso!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Oh, Michael Douglas, plus one.

-What's that for?

-Ugh!

It's an invite, darling. Can't tell what it's for,

something gone wrong with their graphics or something.

Mum, that's the Olympics logo.

Is it?

-Oh, oh.

-Why don't you go? It's a door.

It's not a door. Will you stop going on about the doors?

-All right, it's a party.

-It's a par..

-Oh!

-And there's champagne.

Champagne.

SHE "RETCHES"

Pats...

# This wheel shall explode! #

Darling, it's for SPARTS. I told you.

Not those bloody elasticated pants.

No darling, no darling. SPARTS. Sports and Arts.

It's for the Olympics.

Oh, thank you.

-Hello, can I introduce you to someone?

-If you must.

-Dame Kelly Holmes.

-Nice to meet you.

-Double Olympic champion, of course.

-Dame, is it?

-Yes, that's right.

-What's that for?

-Well...

-A bit of running, was it?

-That's right. Lots of running.

Will you be doing the running in this running races, the Olympics?

No, I've actually retired now, so, erm... Yeah.

I've lost Marshall. I walk away for two seconds and he's gone.

The little Casanova.

Marshall?

Lots and lots of it...

Marshall!

-Don't make a scene, Bo.

-Who is this?

Who is this? Who is THIS? This is his wife!

Well, we were only talking.

Bo, this is Tanni.

Tanni, Tanni.

Satan be thy name.

Why don't you take a dagger and thrust it into my heart?

Tanni. Cute name for the devil.

-Tanni, can I help?

-Yeah, I'm going to mingle.

Don't let them follow me.

I've got your back.

So, Mark, you're an athlete. What's your distance?

Do you do sort of long and slow or short, powerful bursts?

I'm a sprinter.

-Darling, he's blind.

-Yeah. Suits me, darling, that's lucky.

Ladies and gentlemen, in a minute there will be some speeches

-from the Head of the Arts Council.

-Let's go, Eddy.

We don't want any speeches.

And Miss Stella McCartney.

Stella?!

Who designed the uniforms and kit for the British team.

Stella games kit?

Darling, if I'd had a Stella games kit,

I would have become a runner, wouldn't I?

I could wear Stella. Stella!

I'm going over there to clear it up once and for all.

If she knew me, she would love me.

Oh, if you do go up to her, remember you're a somebody.

Do it with dignity, Eds, and don't take any nonsense from her.

Oh... Stella!

Stella, Stella. Stella, Stella.

Stella, Stella, Stella.

Stella, why don't you love me?

I don't know you.

But I would look great in your clothes, wouldn't I?

I'm not... I don't think so.

-Stella, Stella.

-Don't touch me.

-Patsy knows your dad, sweetheart.

-Oh.

Well, I had him once in a small cupboard back stage in Hamburg.

I think it was him. It was one of the four. Might've been Yoko Ono.

This is Mark. He likes us.

He's blind.

But darling, blind is the new black.

Sorry, you're going to have to leave.

-Oh, oh. Steady, steady.

-What? What?

What? What?

Sorry about that, Stella.

She's been a nightmare. She has been stalking me.

Eddy, they really upset you. Get up there, get up there.

Last time I ever...be like that, being nice to people.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Darling, I don't think we came in this way.

We came out of these doors.

It's empty.

That's because no-one could get tickets, isn't it, darling?

Wow!

ROUSING SPORTS THEME

I actually want to stay!

That's fine, thank you.

You're discouraging me from taking up sport.

Thank you very much, thank you very much.

-This is nice, dear.

-Yes, Gran.

Marshall, we can watch the opening ceremonies,

but if I see one body part twitch, I'm tightening the straps.

Leave it, Bo.

Oh, God, what's happening, what's happening? What's happening?

The opening ceremony is just about to start.

Oh, Eddy, look. Oh, Eddy, look, we were there.

That's where we were, the stripey bit. We were there, darling.

Opening ceremony. Right, let's take bets.

Elton John at the piano, Candle in the Wind.

Toupee eight foot above his head. What's the bet?

Marching band. (BOOMING VOICE) Brian Blessed saying something smaaa...

Sad old London buses and break dancers. Yes, come on.

Gran, what are these?

Oh, they're the tickets, dear.

But I don't really see why anyone would want to actually be there

when they can watch it in comfort on the good old Auntie Beeb.

Yes, and there's Clare Balding.

Is she dear? Oh!

ROUSING SPORTS THEME

# Wheels on fire

# Rollin' down the road

# Best notify my next of kin

# This wheel shall explode! #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd