The Rabbit Never Escapes Ambassadors

This programme contains some strong language from the start.

BREATHING

HOWLING

Wolves come.

WOLVES HOWL

Breathe out when you squeeze the trigger.

GUNSHOT

ANIMAL WHIMPERS

MAN GROANS

Shooting ibex very bad. Big trouble.

National animal. Dead. Big disgrace.

The Tazbeks are kind and generous hosts. Their care

and consideration for their guests is renowned throughout the world.

Dollars. Proper money.

What about when they find ibex?

Blame the Frenchman.

..absolutely within your sight.

Absolutely straight, that's the way to do it.

Bonjour. Missed again?

-Yep. Looks like it. Any luck yourself?

-Of course.

I've got it - the hunter in Bugs Bunny. That's who you remind me of.

What was his name?

-Elmer Fudd.

-Exactly, Elmer Fudd.

THEY LAUGH

You must er...breathe out when you squeeze the trigger.

I tried. We can't all be so formidable.

CLOCK CHIMES

HORN BLOWS

CORK POPS

STONE CRUMBLES

EXPLOSION

HOOVES THUNDER

CALL TO PRAYER

WOMAN: Uh-huh.

Hi, Rochelle.

Spasiba. Dosvedanya.

Simon Broughton - our friend at Global Human Rights -

was arrested two days ago up in Besh-kara.

Oh, fucking idiot! We told him not to go up there.

I know. They've brought him back to prison here.

I think we should go and see him there, Neil, and soon.

So that they know that we know.

It's late. I'll have to call the Foreign Ministry.

They can get us in.

Isn't Jamatt on the hunting trip with the prez?

Yeah. But I know his cousin.

-I was going to see Tanya.

-I'm sorry.

But not even Broughton deserves to end up the bunk wife

-of some Tazbek gang boss.

-Although it would give him

a powerful new insight into human rights abuses.

A toast to the mighty ibex.

Great symbol of our nation.

ALL: The mighty ibex! Great symbol of the nation.

INDISTINCT CHATTING

Please tell the president that I very much look forward to

hearing his views on our new helicopter, Jamatt.

The rabbit never escapes!

That's right. It never escapes.

I gather the president has a detailed understanding

of military hardware.

HE CHUCKLES

I couldn't help noticing that the US ambassador isn't here.

I do hope she didn't decline your invitation?

This is no place for a woman.

Hmm.

HE SNAPS FINGERS

Hmm.

PHONE RINGS

The ambassador.

How's it going? Surviving?

Can you talk? Wh-where are you?

-I'm in prison with Caitlin.

-My God! What happened?

No, it's just a consular visit.

Please don't. We've got the toasts.

Tell me the order of the toasts again.

Didn't you learn them?

Yes, I did. Remind me.

The first is to the great nation of Tazbekistan.

Yep. Start with an easy one.

-Second is to the president.

-Yeah.

Third is the war one - to those who never returned.

Uh-huh. Hang on. "Those who never returned."

Fourth is to women.

Women - fourth. I always forget women.

Then the president's family.

Yep. No. Wait.

Then nuclear disarmament.

OK. That's a good one.

Then the mighty ibex. Seventh. Don't forget that one.

They take that seriously.

Believe me - I won't forget that one.

Finally you toast the huntsmen. And then the horses.

And then it all starts over.

Have you eaten the ox penis or duck embryo yet?

What?

Once you're through all that, the end is in sight.

Look...er...can you phone Jennifer

and tell her I won't be back tonight?

Er, OK. Isn't that better coming from you?

I don't want her to hear me like this. I can hardly see.

No, no, you're right, I'll phone her.

You phone her. And I'll phone her too.

What do you make of him?

I like HER.

PHONE RINGS

H-hi. It's...it's me.

I'm afraid I may not be able to make it home tonight.

Yeah. I think I suspected that a while ago.

Are you OK?

We're-we're all being held hostage and slowly killed with vodka.

If I don't survive this, I want you to know that I love you.

I will always love you. And you can have my record collection.

And my Canaries football match programmes.

When you die, I get everything anyway, don't I?

THEY SPEAK RUSSIAN

HE YAWNS

Still out here?

Just taking the air.

Have you been sent out, excluded?

Elmer, you bastard. I will not take this lying down.

The Elysee Palace will not take this lying down.

Oh, don't be like that!

C'mon. I'll see if I can get you back in.

I'll have a word.

They wanted the names of my local contacts - the people

who drew up the lists of the missing or those who've been tortured.

-Claim to have.

-There's ample proof and you know it.

My arrest confirms that I was on the right track.

Simon, we warned you of the possible consequences if you went up there.

..Shooting your mouth off.

Whole families are being executed or burned in their homes.

The world needs to know.

Though I'm sure you lot would rather they were kept quiet

so you can get on with your grubby commercial deals.

Please don't try to tell us what our priorities are.

They're the same as always, aren't they?

I am personally hugely opposed to this country's human rights abuses -

as is Her Majesty's Government.

HE SCOFFS

So how long do you reckon until I'm out?

Your charges will be announced soon.

But you have to understand the limit to our powers, Simon.

There's an independent justice system here

which we can't interfere with.

The days when we could get what

we wanted by sending in a gunboat are sadly behind us.

If you're very lucky, they'll make you sweat for a bit,

then put you on the first flight home.

HE SIGHS

(DRUNKENLY) To nuclear disarmament.

STIFLED LAUGHTER

No helicopter contracts for them.

No.

Ha-ha!

Your toast, Excellency.

Ah, yes.

Er...

To...

To...

To women!

We've done women.

Yes. Of course.

Not-not women. Er, no. Not-not-not them, no.

Erm. To...the president's...

nuclear...family...of huntsmen.

To the mighty ibex - that the French man over there shot.

The mighty ibex.

ALL: The mighty ibex.

IN RUSSIAN

I had coffee with the new US Trade guy this morning.

He told me that they're definitely out of the running

on the helicopter contracts.

Yeah, morning, Isabel. I'm fine, thanks.

So it's just between us and the French.

Yeah. Shall I let the ambassador know?

No. I think it's much clearer if I do that.

-Then we keep everybody in the loop.

-Is he back yet?

He's still on the president's hunting trip.

-How many days is that now?

-Six.

The president likes to use it as a sort of endurance test

for new diplomats.

Does the ambassador know that?

I'm sure he's finding out.

IN RUSSIAN

-Neil.

-Hello, Keith.

I don't feel quite the full ticket.

Hello, Sergei.

How are you, sir?

I'm never doing that again.

No wonder the US ambassador declined her invite.

The president didn't invite her.

He'd never dare put her through that sort of humiliation.

RETCHING

I've postponed all your meetings this morning,

and put a bucket by your bed.

But I'm afraid you've got a Sec-view with The Prince of Darkness at 2.00.

-He wants to talk helicopters.

-AMBASSADOR GROANS

And we're still waiting to hear what charges will be brought

against our human rights friend. If he's survived the night.

Let's go. Can't we go? I want to go.

-We're waiting for Natalia. She's meeting Stephen Pembridge.

-Huh?

The actor that the British Council have sent.

He's here for the Best of British Festival.

This will make you feel better.

Hair of the dog.

Well, I can't feel any worse.

I was wrong.

Ah, it's me. Hello.

Mr Pembridge, what an honour it is to meet you.

Thank you. Please call me Stephen. You must be...Natalia?

-Yes.

-Nice to meet you.

I hope you don't mind the photographers.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm very used to media attention.

It's great to meet you.

I'm here to make sure you get everything you need.

Gosh. Lucky me.

The ambassador has just returned from an important trip

with the president.

No doubt some massive diplomatic piss-up.

No. It's an important opportunity for His Excellency

to exchange ideas with the president.

Don't pretend to me that you can't get raisins, Ludmilla.

-No.

-Oh c'mon, of course you can.

There are a whole load of things you can't get in this country,

but dried fruit isn't one of them.

What is this Echoes cake you want to make?

I'm not going to make it, you're going to make it. It's Eccles cake.

DOOR OPENS

There you are. Christ, what happened?

You're five days late.

I've been detained at His Excellency's pleasure.

-I go now.

-No. Now that you're here, perhaps you could persuade Ludmilla

to embrace our Best of British menu with a little bit more enthusiasm.

I won't make this pie.

I am not having plov again.

Oh, don't insult their plov, for God's sake.

I'll talk to her.

IN RUSSIAN

Are you all right? Let's have a look at you.

Sergei gave me a pull-through.

It tasted like runoff from a nuclear leak.

Hmm. Knowing this place, it probably was.

What happened? I was worried about you.

The inside of the plane on the way home was like the last act

of an Elizabethan tragedy, but with more sick.

Go "ah".

Aaah.

Just try not to drink for the rest of the year.

-I'm going to have a lie down.

-Good idea.

If Sergei's here, can I get a lift to the hospital?

-Yeah.

-Keith, don't go to bed. You're on with POD in 15.

'The new MH67 Contusion Helicopter carries, as standard,

'40 Venom HE missiles, 2,000 30mm armour-piercing rounds

'and has a nose-mounted sensor suite for target acquisition.'

Why have they sent us a copy of The Living Planet?

"Viewers are warned that they may find

"some of the content distressing."

SENSOR BEEPS

I fear the target has been acquired.

RAPID GUNFIRE

EXPLOSION

And how many of these machines are we hoping they order?

35. And my guess is the regime won't be exclusively targeting rabbits.

Well, at £43 million pounds a pop - no wonder London's keen.

It's time.

IN RUSSIAN

Christ! Davis, what happened to you? A hard night on the plov?

Neil, you're meant to be looking after him.

I've spent the last week buttering up the president.

Er... CLEARS THROAT

Great to be invited on one of his retreats so early.

So the helicopter contract is between us and the French?

Er...y-yes. The last few days of intense lobbying went well -

I think - went very well.

As my DipTel this week will make clear.

All sorts of nods and winks from the president's number two.

Can you show me what one of those nods and winks look like?

Do one for me.

Oh for God's sake, don't be so literal. I'm joking.

Please take this seriously.

I-I know these are serious winks.

The British helicopters presentation went incredibly well.

Er, we've just been watching the DVD.

Enjoyed watching the rabbit being vaporised from 70 miles away.

Watership Down meets Apocalypse Now.

And now I've managed to secure Jamatt's

acceptance of a dinner invitation.

-Just before the contract is announced.

-Jamatt's the number two?

Yes. The president's "representative on Earth." His nephew.

I will be reiterating the technical superiority of our machine.

My daughter's hamster knows our helicopters are better than the French ones.

This is Central Asia - we need to offer them

the chance of a place at the top table.

I was just coming to that. I'll be impressing on them

the fact that Her Majesty's Government is vitally interested

in the security of the president's regime in this difficult region.

-Yes, good.

-And that we will do anything to help our new friends

become more politically secure,

-as well as increasingly globally economically vibrant.

-Yes. Good.

And my dinner with Jamatt should be the icing on cake.

And the French?

No meeting. No icing. No cake even.

So how will they respond?

Who?

The French.

Oh. Er...

Come on, come on, come on!

This is a 2 billion helicopter contract.

-Do you think they'll just shrug and walk away?

-No.

No. They'll respond in their usual way.

They'll come out kicking, cheating, biting and eye-gouging.

Precisely. And what will your response to that be?

Well, perhaps if you could send a senior minister out here.

Oh, be sensible. No-one wants to go to Tazbekistan.

You sound like your predecessor.

No. We need to win this contract because these 'Stans are the future.

I want you to get very close to this president, Davis.

Sniff the armpit. But not too close.

I don't want any embarrassing Blair-Gaddafi handshakes.

Close enough to be able to find out what they want from us,

and what we want from them - that's the policy - but with enough

distance to be able to extricate ourselves if things go tits up.

-Gotcha. Close but distant.

-That's it.

Michael's often like that with me.

I always come away better informed, if not actually any wiser.

Er, Neil, I...

I've been meaning to ask,

what do you think happened to my predecessor?

Ah, I don't know. I mean, he was a keen walker.

But isn't it strange that they never found the body?

Not if you've seen the mountains here.

Someone did say that they'd spotted him in Islamabad,

dressed as a woman.

To be honest - knowing him - I don't think we can rule that out.

Erm. I was thinking I should learn to speak Tazbek.

IN RUSSIAN

Good idea. Good luck.

Isabel, your key task is to find out what the French are up to on this.

How are they going to try and sweeten their deal?

They usually send a minister, 20 bottles of vintage champagne

and tickets to Roland Garros.

Let's have our Scotch and Centre Court ready.

I'll talk to the other embassies. Dig around.

I can point you in the direction of some journalists.

They always know more than we do.

Right, moving on. Update on the Best of British Festival.

There's a traditional British dinner in the residence.

I gather Jennifer and Ludmilla are in negotiations

about what that might actually involve.

The last thing I heard, Jenny was trying to explain meringues.

Natalia, what other British Food events have we got?

Delia, Jamie, Heston?

We have a man coming from a company in Kent called Pig Delicious.

He will show us how a pork pie is made.

I don't want to know that.

Is it wise to invite a pork expert to a Muslim country?

You can get pork everywhere here.

The man will also bring with him 15 different types of chutney.

OK. Great. I like chutney, as much as the next man.

-Any music?

-Sting? Adele?

Finally Iron Maiden? Surely? This time.

Showing your age.

A group called Rattlebag will come

and perform English medieval dance music from Gloucestershire.

That will be very good.

Shall we change the title to The Best of British Shite Festival?

And best of all, The British Council have sponsored

a visit from the great British actor - Stephen Pembridge.

Terrific. What's he been in?

He's the guy we picked up from the airport.

Oh, that guy.

He's won numerous Grand Prix, Drama Mask and Golden Curtain awards.

But what's he going to perform?

A new version of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. The British Council

said it was "unlike anything else they have seen."

Well done, Natalia.

I know it isn't at all easy coaxing people out to this

part of the world.

How's Dad?

He's fine, darling, he's a bit...

It's Daisy.

Hi, Dad.

Daisy-Maisy - how's school?

It's OK, I suppose. How's the life of a top diplomat?

I don't know. If you can find one, ask him.

Dad, do we have to do that stupid joke every time?

And I'm not Daisy-Maisy any more either.

We can't wait to see you at half term, darling.

Look, guys, I don't know

if I want to go all the way to the middle of nowhere for six days.

It's not nowhere here.

Can't I just stay in England? With Suze.

Her parents said they'd put me up. They love me. They said yes.

Well, we love you, darling. And we've bought your ticket now.

So it's not really up for discussion.

Why am I never consulted on this?

I'm the one that has to schlep out all the way to Pissfana.

Iskfana.

Look, I'd better go and finish my French prep.

I had to get special permission to do this.

-It's been real.

-Well when are we going to...?

I miss her.

Even when she's like that?

Yes. She's like that because we're here.

She's like that because she's 13.

'80S ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

You've got no taste in music, Neil.

Thanks for your advice, Kevin.

When I've got a question about oil, I'll let you know.

How about this, Neil, to find out what the French are up to?

-In my last post to Madrid, I got to know the French Trade guy.

-Right.

-He trained in Paris with the Head of Consular at the embassy here.

-OK.

-So maybe I should call him?

-Yeah. Maybe.

You see the little guy over there -

-talking to the Special Forces with the fat neck?

-Drinking coffee?

That's Sam, the French ambassador's driver.

Why's he drinking coffee, at this time of night, do you think?

IN RUSSIAN

Tanya, why is Sam on the coffee and off the Cointreau?

I think he's going to airport.

He's going to the airport.

Will you talk to her and make sure she comes out at half-term?

Yes. Course she will.

I'm so conflicted on this.

I really want to see her - I do - but I know that she's going to

come out here, have a miserable time and then resent me for it.

No, she won't. We'll, we'll lay on some stuff for her.

We'll make it fun.

Yeah, but her friends aren't here, and there are no shopping centres.

What's she going to do?

There's the circus.

IN RUSSIAN

Ah!

-I thought Sergei fixed this light?

-He did.

Is there any news on my piano? I really want to play it.

They're tracking the baggage. Apparently it's made it to Cairo.

I heard you sent a report on the current helicopter situation

straight to the MOD?

Yeah, I know Dan Coleridge over there.

Mmmm. I asked you to run any drafting past me, Isabel. Remember?

Yes. Sorry. You were at the Foreign Ministry.

So I ran it passed the ambassador instead. Is that not OK?

How are you finding it here? This country?

Fascinating. An adventure. Everything I'd hoped it would be.

There are some real opportunities here, aren't there?

The weather's OK now. But it gets to be -40 in the winter.

Yes. And 130 degrees in the summer. I read that.

It's one thing to read it in the country report.

Quite another to experience just how ball-shrinkingly freezing it is.

But you love it here?

It's surreal and bonkers and...beautiful.

INDISTINCT SPEECH

I just got a text from Stephen Pembridge.

He asks if I can "go help him learn lines in his hotel room?"

Is that an honour?

At midnight? No, it's not.

-I'd ignore that text if I were you.

-OK. Are you sure? He's our guest.

Yes. But that doesn't mean you have to sleep with him.

That Isabel looks like a tight-arse.

You wait, she'll be ambassador to Paris before she's 30.

What did Budansky want? You gave him money.

I have to renew my liquor licence. 5,000 to the government.

3,000 in cash to him.

He'd never dare ask for that much if my brother was around.

He's from a much-loved family of corrupt officials.

Natalia had to get a travel visa out of his brother.

It cost her more than the flight.

I wouldn't know about that. I've never left Tazbekistan.

But I have a feeling you're about to take me somewhere.

Isn't that why you're with me?

Sure. All the travel opportunities.

Stay here. It's great here.

-You're not missing anything.

-You're so spoiled.

This is the room where you will be performing, Mr Pembridge.

I'm sorry, this room is far too...cribbed. It's all wrong.

I feel the room coming in on me.

My productions famously pullulate and teem. They are capacious.

The Swiss Alps must abound.

How can I create the professor's laboratory in here?

Can it be a small laboratory?

HE CHUCKLES

No, darling, it can't.

You saw my production of Wuthering Heights re-imagined in an abattoir.

-No. I wish I had.

-I wish you had too, angel.

Because then you would realise I can't create worlds in this space.

I'm sorry.

Hah!

Apparently the Secretary of State said my last DipTel was very

well written - and utterly irrelevant.

Easy for him to say sitting in Whitehall, cappuccino in hand,

one eye on the cricket.

They've just charged Simon Broughton.

They're accusing you of killing two disabled kids in your car.

What? I don't even own a car.

Apparently you hit them as they walked home from school

on the main Besh-kara road, and then you fled the scene of the crime.

They're scared of what I know.

They say they have seven witnesses.

And the bodies of the two children.

If you're found guilty,

the family of the bereaved is allowed to decide the punishment.

They always choose the death penalty.

-Can they make it stick?

-They can make anything stick.

I just saw the grieving family outside the justice ministry -

laying it on pretty thick.

Hate to see what they'd do if they'd actually lost a child.

Any wiggle room on this? Pleading guilty to lesser charges?

What, killing just one disabled kid? No.

I think you're going to need to talk to Jamatt

personally about this tonight.

No. I have to use that window to secure our helicopter contract.

I can't lobby for a major arms deal at the same

time as I confront them on their human rights record.

Sorry to disturb you but I think you should know

the French defence minister came into town very early this morning.

I drove out to the airport last night, saw him fly in at 2.00am.

-A French Airforce C130.

-It was definitely Girard?

That's him. He's a player and a shit. We're screwed.

This is it, the French biting and cheating.

-Where did he go? The presidential palace?

-Mm-hmm.

-To see Jamatt or the prez.

-Or both.

Throughout this whole process,

I've repeatedly asked London to send out a big hitter.

It's too late to worry about that.

This makes tonight even more important for securing the contract.

You're relying on Ludmilla's first attempt at a steak and kidney pie

and a one-man production of Frankenstein to

win a 2 billion helicopter contract?

No, I'm not, Neil!

I'm saying that Jamatt is the key.

The president listens to him, not to some French functionary.

If they've got a minister out here

that must put them ahead on the helicopters.

I'm not accepting that.

The best use of your time tonight is to get Simon Broughton freed.

-Otherwise they'll execute him.

-You don't know that.

They've done it before. Believe me.

Thank you, Isabel.

We can't have this conversation here.

He's an idiot who brought this on himself.

And he hasn't even been found guilty yet.

You're right, he is an idiot.

But if you don't intervene in some way I think he will be found

guilty tomorrow, and executed in front of the grieving family.

We can't allow that to happen.

This helicopter factory is in the PM's constituency.

That's the priority.

Oh, I see.

I'm sorry - what? What do you see?

What this is about.

Oh right, what is it about, Neil?

NEIL TUTS

No, please, come on, tell me.

We've got to spend the next few years together.

We need to be open with each other. What's it about?

What's my agenda?

You're reluctant to confront London on this.

Oh, am I? And why's that?

I don't know. You want to stay on the escalator.

You don't want your next posting to be a secondment to the

-Greek tax department?

-Nor, I suppose, do you?

Neil, we're all well aware of your fondness for this country,

-and its women.

-What the hell's she got to do with this?

Despite your snide suggestion, my main concern is

not in fact my own career - it's my country.

Why should British factory workers suffer

because of one self-important idealist?

Prosperity and security - those are the priorities.

-We don't make the policies.

-I know.

If you continue to suggest that I prioritise my career - and the soft

option - over confronting London and ministers, then you're horribly

wrong, and you and I are going to come to serious blows very rapidly.

No, I understand. You've been very clear.

On this particular occasion, you're prioritising Britain's commercial interests

ahead of human rights, and our anti-death penalty campaign,

because you think the arms contract will do more good.

Yes, I do. That's right.

Because it WILL do more good.

Natalia, can I just say that I am completely

underwhelmed by what we've got laid on for tonight.

Chutney, Morris dancing

and some fucking poncy actor are not what makes Britain great.

Tonight had better go like a dream.

He isn't angry with you, he's angry with me.

How's it looking for tonight?

Yes, er...good.

Where's Stephen? All happy?

Yes. Er...he just asked to see me.

OK.

Natashka, I find myself in a difficult situation about tonight.

I so want to please you, and perform.

But I really don't see how I can.

I know we don't offer all the things you're used to, Mr Pembridge.

-No, Stephen. Stephen. Stephen.

-I know the room is too small.

I can't perform in a cupboard now, can I?

It is a real honour to have you here.

We've all been so excited. I have been excited, most of all.

Have you?

Mr Pembridge!

I-I'm afraid I can't do that.

So you're not "excited" by me?

I am. But I can't kiss you, Stephen. I'm married.

We are very conservative here.

Compared in England,

where I know everyone sleeps with each other all the time.

STEPHEN SCOFFS

But that is not the Tazbek way.

I thought something had clicked between us, Natka.

Please don't pretend it's just me who felt that?

Perhaps we could go out after the show? You and me.

Iskfana can be a fun place at night.

We can have a drink together.

But I hope I can tell the ambassador that you will be performing tonight.

All right, darling.

Let me do my Frankenstein, and afterwards I'll be really

interested to hear your thoughts on my performance.

We can pick through it all together.

And I promise to behave myself.

Even though every atom of my body wants to fuck you right now.

It's hardly the Great Exhibition.

We lost an empire and gained a pork stall.

It's a far cry from the days of Sir Henry Bartle Frere.

-Who?

-He was High Commissioner to South Africa.

He started the Anglo-Zulu war on his own initiative.

-Right. And is that something you...?

-Think is good?

Do I hanker after the days of Old Empire? No, I don't.

Heady though they must have been.

But there was a team working together.

Presumably with murderous consequences.

Yeah, but making a real impact.

Are you thinking of declaring war on anyone, Ambassador?

No, not yet.

But I know you had a tough time working under my predecessor

and I'm trying to put the ship in order and find a way to

balance our slightly differing priorities - where possible.

FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

I take it things didn't work out for Sir Henry?

He fatally misjudged the strength of the Zulus.

-That old chestnut.

-They ate him.

Really?

No. He was recalled to London to face charges of misconduct.

Right, as guest of honour, Jamatt sits next to me.

Who shall we put on the other side of him?

The French ambassador?

Very funny.

You know he's coming, don't you?

-What? No.

-Yes.

-Well, who invited him?

-You did.

-No, I didn't.

You asked Natalia to invite all the major European ambassadors.

-Well, she shouldn't listen to me. Can we un-invite him?

-No.

Well, let's make sure he doesn't get a chance to chat up Jamatt.

Erm. We'll seat him down here by the door.

So who's next to Jamatt? Someone who can finesse him.

I know who I'd use.

She hates him.

He put his hand on her bum while I was presenting my credentials.

Ludmilla, you burned those on purpose.

I shall make plov instead.

No, we are not serving plov tonight.

When a man's beard is on fire, another may warm his hands on it.

-What does that mean?

-Darling, hi, how's it going?

Badly. Ludmilla has deliberately sabotaged the steak and kidney pies.

And I'm still waiting for the fucking shortbread.

Diplomatic baggage!

Half the time it's quicker for the biscuits to walk here.

Erm, listen, I wanted you to know I've just booked Daisy's ticket

for her to come and see us at half-term.

-You have? Oh, that's great. Thank you.

-No problem.

I was just wondering if you could do me a tiny favour in return?

Diplomacy is just effortless with you, isn't it?

Maybe I should get a helicopter tattooed on my arse?

A little reminder to your Mr Jamatt.

Seeing as that's what this evening is actually about.

Thank you so much for this.

I accept that there's a risk of another hand-on-bum event.

But there's no-one better at this than you.

Oh, forget helicopters, maybe I should just ask him

to supply the hospital with some proper drugs?

Don't do that. Don't do that.

FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Thank you so much for coming.

It's nice to see you.

LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT SPEECH

Your Excellency. Lovely to see you again.

Darling, you remember Marc, the French ambassador?

-Jennifer.

-Marc.

-You are looking beautiful as ever.

-Thank you so much.

How delightful to be here.

You're not wearing your furry hunting hat tonight, Elmer?

Ha. No.

Petra. Your Excellency. Thank you so much for coming.

-Delighted to be here. Hello, Jennifer.

-Hello.

-Lovely outfit.

-Thank you so much.

-You know Marc, of course.

-Ambassador. How fares the euro?

-Oh.

-HE LAUGHS

And I hear there is to be some British entertainment tonight?

Beyond the cooking, that is.

Yes. Outside you can learn how to make a British pork pie.

And after dinner, I'm delighted to say that Stephen Pembridge

will be performing his one-man adaptation of Frankenstein.

Not him again.

Haven't the British Council got anyone else they send?

They put me through his Martin Chuzzlewit in Ankara last year.

It was longer than sorrow.

Ha. Um...now, let me tempt you both with an Eccles cake.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

I'll see you later.

I thought Eccles cakes had raisins in them?

-Where's Sacha Distel got to?

-He was around.

We need to stay on him, Neil.

He's not with Jamatt.

Well, where is he?

Ah, I was looking for the bathroom.

The pissoir is that way, Excellency.

Thank you so much.

Slippery bastard.

PHONE BEEPS

THEY SPEAK RUSSIAN

We're not fucking kidding around, Neil.

I've got to get back.

What's this we're eating?

It's, er, steak and kidney plov.

HE SIGHS

So long as it's not an ibex you might have shot.

HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY No.

Jamatt, Neil was telling me that you're a father with young children?

Yes, I have a 18-month-old son.

Ah, congratulations. That's such a lovely age, isn't it?

Is that your first?

In fact, there was something I wanted to ask your advice on,

-as a doctor and a mother.

-Yes, of course. What's that?

It's about my boy. He gets this rash.

I don't know how you say it in English.

CREEPY ORGAN MUSIC

Ladies and gentlemen, in order to properly reflect the duality at the

heart of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein I will be playing the part of

Dr Frankenstein - the experimental chemist.

At the University of Ingolstadt, I questioned whence did

the principle of life proceed.

And I will also be playing the accursed Creature he creates.

-STUTTERING AND SHRIEKING

-Cursed Creator!

I have g-g-glutted myself with shrieks and m-misery.

This approach has never before been attempted.

CREEPY ORGAN MUSIC

I'm afraid that tomorrow the courts will find your countryman,

Mr Broughton, guilty of all 25 charges.

What does that mean? What will the sentence be?

I'm sorry, we have to make an example of him.

HE STAMPS AND PANTS

I am Genovese by birth...

..and my family...

..benevolent smiles of pleasure as he regarded me.

I was their idol.

I was their plaything.

A helpless, innocent creature, bestowed on them from heaven.

FRENCH AMBASSADOR SNORES

STEPHEN LAUGHS

HE GROWLS

I swear by the power of love that b-b-b-burns in my heart.

I will quit Chamonix for ever.

Is this revenge for the hunting trip?

STEPHEN GRUNTS AND GROANS

Very well. I will create for you this bride.

HE GASPS

APPLAUSE

-No, no, no, no. That's not the end.

-That was absolutely marvellous.

HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

'Where are they all going?'

I'm afraid there's been a serious diplomatic incident.

I travelled 5,000 miles to be here.

I know, and they're loving the show.

But a sudden crisis is always a possibility with this crowd.

-Occupational hazard.

-Stephen, that was extraordinary.

Yes, Stephen, that was amazing.

Now we must get you out into the Iskfana nightlife.

Yes. After a performance like that, you deserve a drink or three.

It did go well, didn't it?

Do you think my performance went well?

Oh, yes.

-HE LAUGHS

-Yes, I did it again, didn't I?

Anyway, what seems to be the big crisis?

I'd love to be able to tell you.

Oh, of course!

-Please.

-Yeah.

Excuse me.

Oh, God!

Well done for stopping that.

You were about to lose all influence in this country for ever.

I know.

Jamatt said you were Britain's secret weapon.

His son's got bad eczema. I prescribed some steroid for him.

Brilliant. Well done. Dictators are always sentimental about their kids.

And in return, he has agreed to double my drugs budget.

Oh, that's great news. Well done.

Of course he didn't.

He is arranging for you to see the president tomorrow morning

for 20 minutes to talk about your nasty helicopters.

With the president?

Thank you, darling. You're amazing.

I am, aren't I?

So how did it go?

I think there were many aspects of this evening

that would have appealed to you.

Hmm.

It's not good, Neil.

Word's gone to the judge for the death penalty on this one.

They're pushing for beheading.

Well, we're going to have to fight it, aren't we?

If they want to - they'll always do it eventually.

SMACKING NOISE

Your Excellency.

Thank you for agreeing to this meeting, Your Excellency.

You want to talk about your British helicopters, don't you?

-And tell me they are the best.

-HE CHUCKLES

This is fresh. I killed it this morning.

CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK

I will tell you what the French have offered me -

their vote in my World Cup bid,

20 million in cash

and a state visit from their president.

-Wow. That's a lot of things.

-Yes.

Well, I hope you do choose to go with the British Contusion helicopters,

because, yes, they really are much better than

those French flying coffins.

I know. I know. The rabbit never escapes! Huh?

-Would you like a cut for your family?

-Thank you.

Ahmed.

Actually, Jamatt has told me I should grant you a favour

and reject the French. Choose the best helicopter.

I hope you do that...

but, actually, Your Excellency,

I came here to ask you for something else.

Neil, hello. Have...have we heard about the helicopters?

Just been announced. The French got it.

Oh, no. This stupid country.

How was last night?

-Fine. He's an interesting man.

-What happened?

First of all, he tried to tell how to direct opera in Scandinavia,

and then he stuck his hand up my skirt.

-I hit him, Neil.

-Good.

-I hit him really hard.

-Great.

Do you want to press a formal complaint?

-Are you sure?

-He's just...

A complete fucking arsehole. Yes. Well, he's out of here now.

You were great, Natalia. Well done.

THUNDER RUMBLES

GATE SLAMS SHUT

Simon, you have the ambassador's wife to thank for your release.

If it wasn't for her intervention,

you'd be facing a long stretch. Possibly worse.

I'd happily stay in jail if it brought the world's attention to this terrible regime.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

The Washington Post is hardly going to run a piece

-on someone who's just been released.

-I've had a shit time too.

I won't be doing an embassy show again.

My review of your embassy, Ambassador, would read,

"Unwelcoming, unappreciative and underwhelming. Avoid."

I'm setting up a press conference the moment I land.

I'm going straight to the Foreign Secretary.

Principles and values mean nothing to these people any more.

Sergei, please pull over.

You come out to this country expecting Her Majesty's Government

to pay your way, feed you, get you pissed and drive you around.

And in return, you give one of the worst performances of anything

I have ever seen, and molest one of my staff.

I still have no idea who you really are - apart from some

monstrously-untalented sex tourist masquerading as a fifth-rate actor.

And as for you, you shithead, if you want me to take you back

to the prison, believe me, nothing would delight me more.

You have no idea what we're trying to achieve on a wider scale here,

you ignore our advice, and then you expect our busy,

underpaid, under-resourced, over-worked staff to pick up

the pieces when you inevitably fuck up and find yourself in the shit.

So how's this - we help you, you say thank you, and then you clear off?

Or - if that's beyond you - I'll leave you here

and you can find your own way to the airport.

So which is it? Help, thank you, airport?

Or rude twats, no help, walking?

Help, thank you, airport, please.

Never come back here, either of you.

HE SPEAKS TAZBEK

Good. Next.

Only one dwarf - singular.

Only one of the little fellas.

DOOR OPENS

Excuse me, but I thought you'd like to see this.

Little piece in The Herald Tribune.

Unfortunately it doesn't say what a tosser Simon Broughton is

but it does mention your name.

"British Embassy instrumental in securing release..."

And people say the world isn't interested in Tazbekistan.

Oh, and Sergei says that a piano stool has arrived from Cairo.

But no piano?

No. Just the stool.

PHONE RINGS

Ambassador's office.

Yes, sir.

It's POD.

He says that you owe Britain 2 billion.

Will you excuse me a moment, Mrs Petrova?

Your Royal Highness. Welcome to The People's Republic of Tazbekistan.

No problem. It's very nice to be here.

Prince Mark is a proven trade envoy.

You'll find you can just throw me into any diplomatic situation -

and off I go.

I've been to China, and it's awful.

Zarifi is escaping this morning.

What does he even want?

-Freedom.

-Oh, that!

All Prince Mark asks for is the top floor of the Four Seasons Hotel

as befits a VVIP. OK?

I think it could be dangerous for you, being with me.

How dare you touch my smoothie.

-We did the right thing.

-No, you did the wrong thing.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd