The Prince's Trousers Ambassadors

This programme contains strong language

OK, right, take care. See you again soon.

Bye-bye.

CALL TO PRAYER

TYRES SCREECH

OK, all right...

Davai, davai!

Go!

Urgh!

DISTANT SIREN WAILS

Eziz, do we have to go through this every time?

Yes, we do.

Here again? I know where we are, I only live down the road!

Next time I can just pop in.

Oh, hi, Suliman. How's your dad? Still working in Turkmenistan?

There won't be a next time. Zarifi is escaping this morning.

Really? Again? Like he was escaping last time.

-And the time before that.

-This time we've bribed two guards.

Well, I hope you're right.

It can't be easy when you're blind.

-He will be in the city by tonight.

-And what do you want from me?

We can hide him, but we cannot get him out the country.

We need help with that.

Listen, you know we support him, and his campaign.

So, will you help us get him out the country?

IF he escapes - I'll talk to the Ambassador about what we can do.

But it can't be at the cost of the other things we are trying to achieve here.

I think Zarifi's an incredibly brave man. You know that.

Can I get on with my day now?

Don't suppose you could drop me back near the embassy?

Use this phone, for contact.

Classy. Is it secure?

Right. Thanks. Bye.

Cheers, lads. See you next time.

I'll wait here a couple of minutes

so that we don't leave at the same time, that might be embarrassing.

How far down the royal family tree would you have to be

technically to stop being royal?

You'd be surprised, Caitlin. Prince Mark is a proven trade envoy,

which makes his visit a considerable coup for us.

He was instrumental in securing that Indian tractor deal last year.

The objective here is to help Anglo Britannia Oil to nail these

new drilling licences.

-And Prince Mark is the man to do it.

-Who is he?

I think he's a cousin...

And just because he's royal let's not all assume

that he's some ignorant, feckless twit.

Wait until you meet him.

Fuck the fuck off!

-When did I say yes to this?

-PEACOCKS CAW

-Where is it?

-It's in Central Asia.

The trip has been approved by the RVC and the Foreign Secretary.

Will they send a jet for me like the Saudis do?

It's first class flights. Air Ukraine.

-You're joking! Treasure, did you know about this?

-Yeah.

I don't want to go.

Fucking birds!

Whatever halfwit introduced them to this house should be shot.

It was your great uncle, sir, and indeed the Germans did shoot him.

I know that.

You like visiting Asia, sir. You like its women.

And its beaches.

That's true. And I like those prawn spring rolls they do.

It might be fun.

Will I be missing anything here? I don't want to miss anything good.

Well, you'd need to cancel opening the

new special needs sports centre at Weston-super-Mare.

Oh, yes, that's important(!)

This is from the Ambassador.

It sets out the objectives of your trip and your two-day itinerary.

What's the name of the country?

'Tazbekistan oil is big business.'

France and the US have all had the CEOs of their

major oil companies out here in the last six weeks.

I heard from a journalist contact in Washington that the Americans

plan to send out a four-star general here

to offer military training campaigns as an added incentive.

And the French will send Emmanuelle Beart.

Well, we've got something the French and Americans can never have

or compete with - royalty.

The Tazbeks love royalty, isn't that right, Natalia?

We do admire royalty.

'Huh, excellent.'

'It's worth pointing out that the'

godfathers to Prince Mark's son are Jonathan Aitken and Fred Goodwin.

-Shit. Is that true?

-Mm-hm.

-Who's the godmother, Myra Hindley?

-Sue Barker.

-Which is somehow worse.

-Mm.

Right, Prince's itinerary please.

There will be a photo opportunity with the Tazbek media on arrival.

Good.

Then, since Monday is Tazbek Memorial Day,

after lunch, the two of you will drive out to the

Marikova Women's Gulag to take part in the ceremony there.

Good. Royalty are good at memorials. Nice suits and gravitas.

This year the President is going to unveil a new memorial

to celebrate the death of so many women.

-Celebrate?

-Is that the wrong word?

-"Commemorate" is better.

-Oh.

Tuesday night is the big event.

It's a private dinner in the palace

and we've lined up all the Anglo-Brit oil head honchos to be there.

This is where the Prince will officially sit down

with the President. And where we nail these new licences.

OK - anything else we need to know?

The Guardian are still doing stories on the amount of "commission"

British companies are paying

the President's family to secure contracts.

-Hmm.

-These reports do annoy the President.

As you know, since the Bribery Act we are obliged to report

any bribery we hear about.

So let's try not to hear too much.

And let's make sure this royal visit goes like a dream!

Reputations can be made and broken by these visits. Mine and yours.

Oh. Entries for the British Council's Impressions of Britain

painting competition will be coming in on Monday.

Well done, Natalia. Remind me what the prize is?

A week at the prestigious Peterborough School of Art & Design.

In addition, the winning entry will be viewable

in British Airways transit lounges.

-Good stuff.

-Who's the judge?

-Good point.

-Prince Mark, Duke of Bath.

Good idea, Isabel. Let's do that.

'The Prince only smokes

'Dunhill cigarettes, so please make sure you have 500 of them.'

He smokes 250 cigarettes a day?

No, but he likes to take them home with him.

HE MOUTHS

Do write all this down.

Now, for his breakfast smoothie you'll need fresh peaches,

fresh mangoes, vanilla soy milk and fresh orange juice.

Served in a special glass which Mike Treasure,

his security man, will bring.

Please do not try and substitute freshly-squeezed orange juice

for purchased freshly-squeezed orange juice, he'll be able to tell.

The Brussels embassy made that mistake

last year and he's still talking about it.

Oh, yes, I heard that look.

You asked for a list, gentlemen, I'm giving it to you.

You'll find this visit will be far easier and more productive

if you manage to get things right.

We will.

On which note - HRH hates long car journeys,

so please try and make sure the airport is near the embassy.

the Prince always travels with a full six-foot ironing board.

-Very wise of him.

-It's the only way to get trousers just right.

That is correct.

During this trip it is imperative that Treasure is the

only person who even contemplates ironing his Highness' trousers.

The Zarifi supporters took me off for another of their

secret meetings this morning.

Oh. And?

They're so incompetent it's more annoying than anything else.

Western Governments have been campaigning for

Zarifi's release for the last six years.

But the regime has never shown the slightest inclination to free him.

So apparently, he's escaping today.

MELODRAMATIC: And this time, they mean it.

Do you think they'll pull it off?

Where do these keep coming from?

Dunno.

Keep me posted. I'm off to hear Jamatt's trade lies -

sorry, figures.

So our export trades last year totalled 14.6 billion.

Which is an annual growth of 8%.

Not the 6.1% you previously announced?

These are the most recent figures. Updated.

Then I'll send them through to London.

Please thank the President from me for inviting the Prince

to a dinner at the palace.

He is very much looking forward to meeting the Prince.

The President is deeply honoured by the royal visit.

And may I ask if the President continues to look

favourably on the Anglo Britannia bid?

So long as they comply with the usual taxes and fees to the

Department of Energy team, I'm sure he will look very kindly on the bid.

I'm sure they'll do all that's required.

I would say though, that there's a lot of scrutiny in the UK

at the moment over British companies paying significant

commission or consultancy fees to middle men.

Middle men often directly related to the President.

Do you want the oil contract or not?

We very much do.

-Zarifi!

-Zarifi!

-Zarifi!

For main course I will serve one of my brother's

Iraqi chickens with potatoes and plov.

Delicious. And dessert?

-Dates.

-Ludmilla, he's a VIP guest.

-Dates and yoghurt?

-He's a member of the royal family.

OK. I will make the Prince my special awamat balls.

They're a sort of Arabian flour and syrup ball.

-Wonderful.

-I go now to buy.

Right, I've put the Prince in the main guest bedroom

and his security guy in the room next door.

Do you know that room's got dry rot? And so has the unfinished extension.

Unfinished yet already decaying. That uniquely Tazbek combination.

I'm afraid this hasn't been a very happy place, this residence.

It's hardly surprising.

Given that the previous ambassador was an alcoholic going through a gender identity crisis.

A great Foreign Office tradition.

Does anyone know what actually happened to Keith's predecessor?

Someone from the Cabinet Office

thought they saw him recently in Phuket -

working in a transvestite hammam.

But technically, he's just missing.

-What was someone from the Cabinet Office doing...?

-Jennifer,

it's wonderful what you're doing to the place. Thank you. You're making it a real home.

Daisy's going to love it when she comes.

If she ever comes.

I've managed to get you a copy of the seating plan for the dinner.

And I'm trying to find out about the US Secretary of State's visit to Kazakhstan.

These are the addresses of all the British nuclear power stations...

plus EDP's profit and loss accounts for last year.

This is the guest list for the Trooping of the Colour.

And these are the home telephone numbers of Ann Widdecombe

and Lembit Opik.

We'll look at this stuff.

Now get out.

I have asked her five times not to make these.

I've been asked to apply for a job.

Oh, good. What is it?

Deputy head of cardiology at Barts.

One of my old professors has set up a new unit.

-Would he give you the job?

-I don't know. He might.

He's asked me to apply.

Good for you, Jen. Would you like to do that?

Be number two in London's main cardiology unit? Yeah!

Then you must apply.

Er, just leave those, thanks, Ludmilla.

Would you mind going to get some flowers?

Previous man liked swans.

What if I got the job?

Well, then we'd have a problem. But we'd work it out.

Well, how?

I'm not going to be in this country for ever.

We'd have to travel to each other.

It would be tough, but people make it work.

Everyone knows doctors get loads of time off.

It would fuck us up. Loads of marriages

don't survive this sort of thing.

Yeah, but we would. You've got to apply, Jennifer.

I can't have my career stopping you doing jobs you want to do.

Apply. And we'll worry about it if you get it.

OK.

-OK?

-The room looks great.

I miss the swans a bit.

MUSIC: "Land of Hope and Glory" played in Eastern European style

Your Royal Highness, welcome to the People's Republic of Tazbekistan.

It's a great honour to have you here.

No problem. It's very nice to be here.

-How was your flight?

-Fine, fine. Charming.

-Have you tried Air Ukraine food?

-I have, actually.

-Yep.

And no-one told me there'd be a four-hour transit in Kiev.

-Well, it's wonderful to have you here now. This way.

-Thank you.

Erm, here's your bottle of sparkling mineral water, Your Highness.

-A case arrived this morning.

-Good.

One of the ways I help British industry is that

I insist on using lots of British products all over the world.

It can make a hell of a difference.

Have you seen the finalised itinerary for the two days?

-Driver, can we turn the air-con up please?

-Is up.

Maybe use your window?

No. It's all bollixed.

Would you like to come to this side?

-Please.

-HE CLEARS THROAT

-Sorry, if I can just...

-I'll just come across first.

-If I can just squeeze here...

-Yep.

Sorry, excuse me.

Oh, that's, that's just my phone.

-OK.

-There we go.

THEY SIGH

Erm. This one works now.

-Would you like to come back to this side?

-No, this side is fine.

Erm...

So, did you get a chance to look at the itinerary?

-Yes, of course.

-Any questions about it?

-No.

You'll find you can just throw me into any diplomatic situation,

and off I go.

Great.

Everywhere's the same.

In a sense.

But also there are quite a lot of particulars

that are specific to Tazbekistan.

-Any decent skirt out there?

-Oh. Um...

I mean, what mark would you give them out of ten?

The women?

Well, I... I don't tend to mark them.

Erm. They vary, of course.

I'm afraid we're going to have to swap sides.

OK, of course.

-No, I...

-It's probably best if I...

If you come first.

-Ow, ow, ow.

-Sorry.

Sorry, I think I'm on your foot.

THEY GROAN AND SIGH

Well. It's not the Oberoi, but, er, we hope you'll be comfortable here.

I'm sorry, there must be some mistake.

You think I'm sleeping here?

Please thank your wife for making such a special effort,

but you should have been told - I never stay at the embassy.

I stay in The Four Seasons.

Ah. Yes, I'm afraid there isn't a Four Seasons for you.

What do you mean?

I mean...there isn't a Four Seasons here for you to stay in.

It's where I stay.

-Yes. If there is one.

-I don't understand.

There's isn't a Four Seasons Hotel here.

It will have said in our communications that, er...

we're delighted to have you here as our guest,

-at the residence. Aren't we, Jennifer?

-Yes.

Sorry, I'm obviously not being clear.

Prince Mark always stays at The Four Seasons.

-Yes...

-Wherever I am - that's where I stay.

Yes, but not... if there isn't one here.

It doesn't have to be here.

It doesn't have to be here in the capital.

It could be by the sea.

I can travel to it - in a helicopter!

There isn't a Four Seasons Hotel anywhere in the whole country.

-Anywhere...in Tazbekistan...at all.

-What?

I can stay in one of those ones by the beach.

Well, not really. Tazbekistan is a landlocked country.

There are no beaches.

As you know.

I stay in the Four Seasons.

I mean, this is hopeless.

Look, I travel the world for Britain and I get paid fuck all for it, OK?

Travel, travel, travel. That's fine by me.

I suspect I've brought in 100 billion worth

of business to the UK over the years. Other people who do what I do

would charge hundreds of thousands of pounds. I can't, because I'm royal. That's fine.

But all Prince Mark asks for in return is the

top floor of The Four Seasons Hotel and decent, you know,

food and drink and service as befits a VVIP.

OK? That's all I charge. I am UNBELIEVABLY good value for money.

You're absolutely right, of course.

But unfortunately, there is no Four Seasons.

I mean, where will Treasure be?

Er, just in the room next door.

Is your room as bad as mine?

TREASURE SIGHS

I've seen worse.

Christ! Where?

Aldershot.

If you'd like to leave your luggage with us, Your Highness,

I'm sure we can try and make the rooms as comfortable as possible.

But now it's time to start contemplating your journey

-to the Women's Gulag.

-What?

-Mike, get in here.

-I'll be out in a moment.

What the fuck is going on?! Did you have any idea about this?

THEY WHISPER: I don't think he knows what country he's in.

Did he just call himself a VVIP?

He's probably just jet-lagged.

I'm sure he'll be very effective once he's settled in.

-Open the door.

-Yes, sir.

His Highness has agreed to stay for one night. Since he's here.

Since I'm here.

Can't seem to get the footie results.

They jam the phones around the President.

Superb.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Neil Tilly.

RINGING CONTINUES

Eziz?

You've got him with you now?

Come on, Keith, pick up.

Isabel, I can't get the Ambassador. I need to talk to him.

Try Sergei, try any of the royal party,

I need to speak to the Ambassador now.

Are you sure you want to seek sanctuary in the UK?

The British are more honest than the Americans. And the French.

Personally I would say yes, but there's an absolute blanket rule

against giving sanctuary to anyone in our embassies.

Unless it's life or death.

If you don't help us that's what this will become.

Your Highness. It is a great honour to meet you.

Thank you for visiting our humble country.

It is an equal honour to be here. Least I could do.

Bloody brave lot of women.

Please. Let me show you the memorial in more detail.

It was designed by one of our most talented state artists.

Very clever of you, Keith, to manage to lure a royal

out to this part of the world.

Been in the offing for months. A simple bridge-building visit.

Of course.

Well, despite His Royal Highness's presence,

I sincerely hope the new oil packages will end up with the US.

Or we won't be having you round Sunday for the Super Bowl barbecue.

Oh, no. Don't break my heart, Petra.

I keep saying to my oil guys,

"Do you really want sole drilling rights to this enormous oil field?

"Because I could be missing out on some very nice hot dogs."

-SHE SCOFFS

-But they do seem infuriatingly keen.

Mmm. We'll see.

May the country with the largest royal family win.

NO CONNECTION TONE

I can't get any of them. All the phones must be jammed.

PHONE RINGS

Yes?

Oh, Christ. OK, move him as soon as you can. And keep moving him.

-They think someone's watching the block.

-Who, the Secret Police?

What do we do?

If we don't let Zarifi in, he doesn't stand a chance.

Shouldn't we wait, talk to the Ambassador, talk to London?

If we let this man in it could wreck everything.

I've tried London. The Desk can't get POD or the PUS,

-it's 5am there.

-Then we need to wait

till they get in. Till they get back.

Waiting isn't a choice.

Waiting condemns him.

How do you find Tazbekistan?

What I've seen of it, I like.

What things do you think Tazbekistan could learn from Great Britain?

There's lots. Because Britain is still the best at everything.

We have the best soldiers and doctors and spies

and shipbuilders in the world.

Including submarine building.

I have a place in the Lake District.

When I stand in the mornings drinking the tea my man's

brought me, looking out over the beautiful, mist-laden fields,

and I see all the busy little people working

on the land below me - I often think how great Britain still is.

Did you know that in most places in the UK

one can still safely leave the front door open?

I rarely lock the car,

secure in the knowledge that a happy

and armed police force are always nearby.

You might say I'm biased, but I've been to many, many countries.

I've been to China, and it's awful.

-He is a very good envoy, your Prince.

-Mm.

..we have the Queen and James Bond.

He's a vocal critic of child labour in the cotton fields here.

Yesterday, he managed to escape his house arrest,

and he's asked us for diplomatic immunity and protection.

Is it OK with you if we put him up here?

You mean if we decide to take him?

Yes.

He's already here, isn't he?

Yes.

Does Keith know?

He's still at the gulag with the Prince.

I had to make a decision.

Well, I'm sure you've made the right one.

Mr Zarifi could help me choose some new curtains.

Oh - and he's blind.

That American Ambassador is a bit of all right, isn't she?

Yeah?

Bet you fancy her, don't you?

Don't be ridiculous.

She can launch her drones over my territory any time she likes.

I bet she's handy at golf too.

Right. Let's have a look at this. Ready?

HE WINCES

OK. OK.

Right, we'll fix this up, and then you need to rest.

I've had six years with nothing to do but rest.

Now is the time for...

Shh-shh-shh.

OK.

I'm going to give you some drugs for the pain.

-Jen, I think that thing's come back.

-Shh-shh-shh.

Neil, what the fuck's been going on?!

Why in God's name did you let him in here?

Because if I hadn't, he'd be dead by now.

The Secret Police were all over him.

The President will go testicle-hacking bananas

when he hears about this.

Why did he choose us?

Why the hell couldn't he have gone to the French?

-Or the Americans?

-He said the British are the only nation he trusts.

Huh! First mistake. Does the regime know he's here?

-The Secret Police?

-No.

-Are you sure?

-As far as I can tell.

Well, if they don't now, they will soon. What does he even want?

I think he just wants...freedom.

Oh, that? Right, yeah, freedom, great(!)

This could damage our relationship with the Tazbek regime for ever.

-Do you think we should tell London he's here?

-Are you out of your mind?

I want this Zarifi gone before anyone even knows he was here.

And for God's sake, keep him out of the way of the Prince.

That's a car crash waiting to happen.

Apart from freedom, what else does he want?

He wants to complete his degree, to be free to do that.

This is the British embassy, not...UCAS!

Those are perfect trousers.

-Did he say anything?

-Not really.

He's covered in scars, poor man.

And I'm pretty sure he's suffering from PTSD. He just needs some help.

Thanks for looking after him.

-Is she attached?

-She's attached...

I rarely find myself writing anything.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Or is it Beijing now?

Ugh!

Of all the places you've visited, Your Highness,

which is the one you've hated most?

FORCED LAUGH

The only place I've ever visited where I've thought,

"I really don't want to go back there"...

is France.

Mind you, I didn't like Nigeria much either.

-Erm. Will you excuse me a moment?

-Yes.

I hate the way in France that if you don't speak French -

like I don't - then you just know you're getting worse service.

And that's just as true at a royal banquet as it is in one

of their trattorias.

I had a terrible meal in France once.

-Did you?

-Mm.

Well done, Ludmilla. This looks...

-delicious.

-It's one of the reasons I like Toronto.

It's got all the best aspects of France, but they speak English.

Oh, yes, I had a wonderful meal there once.

-Did you?

-Your Highness, I've been meaning to ask if you'd do us

the favour of judging an embassy painting competition we've run.

I'd be delighted to. I'm on the board of The Serpentine.

Spasibo, Tanya.

So what else is there to do in Iskfana on a Monday night,

-other than drink?

-Eat.

Have you had the borsok at Kopak Restaurant?

Or the chak chak at Al-Sham?

The chak chak's the giant Rice Krispie?

Or have you had chak chak at Kopak, and the borsok at Al-Sham?

Well, then you've done Iskfana. Unless you like the circus?

You could go to the circus.

Are there animals? I hate cruelty to animals.

Then don't go to the circus. There's the new arts centre.

Unless you don't like cruelty to art.

-What about that Italian restaurant?

-Never go in there.

I can see why you come in here so much.

It's the best place to get drunk and find an oil engineer to shag.

-Can I get you girls a drink?

-Oh, hi, Kevin.

I was just talking about you.

-How's life?

-Fucking golden.

Just found a shit load of hydros up near Beshkara this week.

If that comes good, it's going to buy some nice houses by the lake.

-Lake Beshkara(?)

-Geneva.

-Drinks, girlies?

-Yeah, I'll have a couple of beers.

-Couple of beers.

-And a couple of vodkas.

-A couple of vodkas. Tanya!

CALL TO PRAYER

You know, I think I am anti the royals in principle.

Oh. Is it because of the cringe-inducing things they say

to foreigners and young women?

No, I don't mind that.

That's stuff's ghastly of course, but...

it's more pitiful than anything else.

And strangely comprehensible given their dysfunctional upbringing.

Is it...because of the millions they cost us?

All those expensive flights to play golf,

and valets to squeeze their toothpaste for them?

No. I don't mind that either.

In fact, I think they're quite good value for Britain.

Oh, OK.

Is it because you think their very existence discredits

-Parliament and democracy?

-No.

I know. It must be their terrible, comic dress sense.

All those blazers, and Barbours and shooting tweeds?

No.

I'm anti-them because I don't think

I want to be someone's subject.

And their very existence implies a class-divided society, doesn't it?

-It does.

-And that is why I think they should all be shot.

'Well then we start tomorrow at dawn. The embassy wall.

'You blindfold him and I'll light his last Dunhill.'

Da. Da!

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

OK, OK, Tanya. All right, all right. Before you hurt him.

-Did he ask you for more money?

-I'm going to have him killed.

Yeah! Yeah, good idea.

Can you call in the British Army for me?

Sure, yeah, I'll just text them,

and then once they've sorted out Afghanistan they'll be right over.

-Can I have a drink now?

-Hmm.

LOUD TALKING AND FOOTSTEPS

# Oh mists rolling in from the sea My desire

# Is always to be here Mull of Kintyre... #

# I need a piss. #

DRUNKEN SINGING CONTINUES

TOILET FLUSHES

Treasure, you pisshead! Where are you?

Treasure?

Treash?

Treasure?

Oi, Treash, are you in here?

Treash, you donkey cock! What are you doing?

You in bed already, you wanker?

Come on, let's get some women.

What this dump needs is PUSSY!

What?

Why aren't you Treasure? You're a foreigner.

Where's Treasure?

Sorry to disturb.

HE WHIMPERS

DOG BARKS

I seek a Tazbeki adventure.

And women.

Adventurous Tazbeki women.

It's a golf ball.

It's a sign, Treasure. It's a sign.

What's the matter?

I'm the one in the bad mood, not you.

I think it could be dangerous for you. Being with me.

-SHE SCOFFS

-Yeah.

-Because you lead such a dangerous life(!)

-I'm serious, Tanya.

The Interior Ministry are leaning on me for information.

Ignore them. They can't hurt you.

You're a British diplomat.

They might decide that you're a good way to get to me.

In which case I'd tell them we fuck occasionally,

but you have no real feelings for me.

Maybe we should make that the truth?

Fine. For our own safety.

Is this your way to trying to make a distance between us?

So, you don't have to take me away somewhere?

Yes, I do this with all my relationships.

I create a fictional Secret Police threat

in order to preserve my independence.

Just...keep an eye out.

I wouldn't want you to get hurt.

WOMEN LAUGHING

HE GROANS

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

What the hell is going on?

Meeting locals.

I'm sorry, but you absolutely cannot have...

female guests arriving at this hour.

Don't be such a wet blanket.

I'll remind you that this is an embassy residence.

There are other people staying here.

THEY SIGH

But I've paid them!

I don't care. They're leaving.

Where the hell's your security man?

PHONE RINGS

Yeah? Who is this?

'Treasure here. Unable to ascertain exact location.

'Require assistance '

in finding where I am. Over.

-Well, what can you see?

-What can I see?

Eyeballs on - a house...

ANIMAL GROANING ..and a cow.

Oh, right, I know exactly where you are(!)

I need more than that!

Correction - it's a camel, not a cow.

I thought you boys knew how to navigate?

I will TAB north until I RV with a more distinctive landmark.

Yeah. Right, you do that.

And phone me back when you find one.

And when you do - speak English!

Who's that?

Never you mind, gorgeous.

Just go back to snoring.

Whisky's gone...

The women have gone...

Treasure's gone.

Can't do anything without him.

And I don't know where I am.

HE MOANS

HE MOANS

HE MOANS

PHONE RINGS

Oh, what?

This is an act of aggression against the People's Republic of Tazbekistan.

We need to take him back into custody immediately.

-Who do you mean?

-Amil Zarifi was found guilty of plotting

against the People's Republic of Tazbekistan.

Please don't waste my time by denying that you've got him.

He's not been found guilty as I recollect -

he's simply been accused.

Under Tazbek law - to be accused of the crime is to be guilty.

If he was not guilty, we would not have accused him.

HE SWEARS IN TAZBEK

GLASS SHATTERS

Well, as you know, that's not acceptable by most international standards.

You are not in the West now, Ambassador.

You are in Tazbekistan.

He was found guilty of raping boys

and stealing a hedge trimmer from a monastery.

When can we expect him back?

At the moment he's asleep.

Why are you risking your career for this man?

It's a big mistake!

You're a fucking nightmare.

I ask only two things of my ambassadors. One - use common sense.

Two - never surprise me.

Well, I imagine that those that use their common sense don't

surprise you. So it could probably just be one thing.

Look, I think it's fair to say that no-one in London understands

the importance of Zarifi as the de facto opposition here.

Oh, yes(!) Oh, that's right(!)

Thank God we've got you down the line with your astonishing analytical ability(!)

It's pretty clear that the regime would've executed Zarifi had we not intervened.

Well, as a result of your actions, we will end up with a situation where they get him eventually.

But this way we lose the oil contract,

and you will end up de facto PNG for months.

PNG here or in London?

Both!

We did the right thing.

No, you did the wrong thing.

Do you want to end up on secondment to the Nigerian Ministry for Prisons?

I swear that is what the PUS has in mind...

And I'm delighted he's following my work so closely.

Oh, believe me, 206 ambassadors and you're the one he's aware of.

You and that wet rag in Belgium who starts bleating every time

the Americans drop a bomb on someone's wedding.

I fear that Belgium is about to get one of POD's visits.

One of his special visits.

Poor chap.

Apparently the ambassador he went to see in Tblisi last month has

quit and joined the church.

Oh, hi. Who are you?

Amil Zarifi, at your service.

Good. I think I'll just have my standard travel breakfast.

Two poached eggs, mushrooms, spinach, bacon, tomato, toast.

Have you got any kippers?

No.

Well, don't worry this time.

Can you look at me when you're talking to me, please?

And a pot of tea.

Oh, shit! Fuck! These are the pictures I've got to judge.

My schedule here is absolutely relentless.

God, I've got a headache the size of Yorkshire.

And a mouth like a spaniel's arsehole.

Which one would you choose?

Yeah, I know what you mean, they're all terrible. Never mind.

Just get on with the brekkie would you?

Well, I'm certainly not choosing the one with a policeman beating up the black.

I hate art that thinks it's profound.

Yes, I think I'll choose the one with the Queen playing golf.

And it looks like a commemorative stamp, which is good.

Did you just drink my smoothie?

You just drank my smoothie!

I've had a lot of bad treatment in embassies all over the world

-but, Jesus Christ, this takes the proverbial fucking biscuit. How dare you!

-I am sorry.

Look at me when you talk to me! How dare you touch my smoothie!

I think it was mine. I have been in prison many years.

I'm not surprised to hear it.

I've got a good mind to send you back there.

No, I will never go back. They can kill me.

I have escaped now

and I will do all I can to bring down this regime while I still live.

What? Sorry, who are you?

Couldn't we just get him out the country?

Very hard. As soon as he steps outside of the embassy they can arrest him.

The embassy car doesn't offer him immunity.

And if by some fluke we managed to get him out,

you'd be thumbing your nose at the regime here. They'd never forgive you.

-That's not necessarily true.

-Isn't it? Why not?

Strong-worded posturing like this is the standard

mode of communication for the regime. We know this.

-In public pronouncements they only deal in black and white.

-This feels stronger than that, Neil.

I said we should have waited to talk to London.

I'm afraid we're going to have to hand him back. Horrible choice.

But it's the lesser of two evils.

You know what this means for Zarifi?

Yes, I know what it means! You should have thought of that before you brought him

-into the embassy.

-So he was wrong to trust us. Maybe he should have gone to the French for help.

-Maybe they wouldn't have let him down like this.

-Take it easy.

-Shut up, Isabel. You've been in this country for ten minutes...

-Hey...

-You shouldn't feel bad about your decision to bring him in.

-I don't!

Right, I'm ending this meeting.

I feel bad we're failing to protect an innocent man, and to stand up to the leadership.

-It's the only language they understand. They'll laugh at us!

-I don't agree with that.

-Oh, really(?)

Right, enough. I've made my decision. Zarifi goes back.

End of conversation, end of meeting.

We have to deal with the world as it is, not as we'd like it to be.

It's a horrible emotional decision, I know. But we're not doing meetings like this.

I won't have the two of you in conflict.

You're too important to operations here. Don't make me send one of you home.

And these kids can be as young as eight,

working in the fields up to 12 hours a day?

And the pesticides burn their skin.

All on two dollars a day? I have T-shirts from here.

I'm going to throw them away.

These chinos are probably made with cotton that drained the Aral Sea.

I can't wear them any more.

It is time to visit the carpet factory.

I need to change my trousers first. I'm disgusted by this!

Come on, Treasure, we're off.

Hello.

One emergency travel document.

Oh, Treasure, you haven't lost your passport again?

Sorry to have been a...you know...

Last time, it eventually turned up in Liz Hurley's bidet.

Thank you so much for helping him. You're a wonder.

You're clearly the one who keeps this place ticking over.

So sorry to have been such a pain.

Give your e-mail address to Treasure

so that I can invite you to one of my garden parties.

And I'm going to tell your ambassador that you're a wonder,

and insist that he gives you a pay rise.

Oh, thanks(!) Did you find your trousers?

Treas!

They were on the gates.

Treas.

Come on.

Neil, I want you to draw up an action plan whereby

we can hand Zarifi over with the minimum of fuss.

Me?

-Yes.

-When?

Probably sometime tomorrow.

And where does that leave us for the President's dinner tonight?

It leaves us in the shit. there's absolutely no chance that the President will turn

up to the dinner after what's happened.

If that's the case we can kiss the oil contracts goodbye.

Can the Prince not help us to smooth the waters?

Are you fucking joking? What with? His boorish manners(?)

His condescending attitude to everyone who crosses his path(?)

Or perhaps with his unbelievable, infuriating,

towering sense of entitlement?

I think that's a no(!)

Of course it's no. The man's a walking liability.

His visit's been a disaster. If I could get rid of him sooner than tomorrow, I would.

I will find out which painting he's chosen as winner.

I will complete my report on Jamatt's new trade figures.

It'll be on your desk by tonight, Ambassador.

DOOR SLAMS

Are you and Isabel going to be become an issue for me?

No. She was just wrong today.

And she's been going round me to you.

Well...she's allowed to be wrong, Neil. You're not. I'm not.

She's very smart, and she's trying to impress.

But she hasn't got your experience. You need to channel her energies.

I know. I will.

Don't let her make you so angry again.

Why hasn't the President turned up?

No doubt delayed by some important matters of state.

Well, it's time for my speech.

There's a few things I want to get off my chest if that's OK?

Well, of course. But please do be aware of local...

Sensibilities.

HE COUGHS

Ladies and gentleman, I've never been to, erm, Tazbekistan before...

I have to meet royalty.

Your Excellency, I was just saying I've never been to

Tazbekistan before. I had no idea what to expect -

but I must say this country has completely won my heart.

I had the most fascinating visit to a carpet factory this afternoon.

And your women are some of the most beautiful I've ever seen.

But there is one thing about my visit that has upset me.

Here we go.

It's the constant sniping by a load of whinging left-wing

journalists who poke their fat noses into how this country charges

"commission" on its business affairs.

What do they know about how to run a country? Nothing.

And they make it very hard for British businessman to do

British business here.

They turn an easy par three into a long par five with the wind against.

They could all do with a year in a Tazbek jail.

Thank you.

Ask the Prince to join me upstairs in my private rooms afterwards.

I certainly shall, Your Excellency.

And the terrorist Zarifi...

you can take him to Britain.

Do what you like with him.

Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo! Bravo!

Well...thank you.

Good night?

How was Mark?

Got lots of apologising to do to ethnic minorities and women?

He was very good, actually.

Erm...amazingly, the President has agreed to free Zarifi.

He's being allowed to fly to the UK next week.

Wow! Well done.

How was your day?

Yeah, yeah, it was fine. I sent off my job application.

That's good.

Hope they turn me down.

Me too.

Yeah, nostrovia! No, fucking seriously, you've got to get a place in Sunningdale.

I can fix it for you.

Let me send you a contact for my estate agent.

Man's a genius. What's your e-mail?

HE LAUGHS

THEY LAUGH

I'll get my people to e-mail your people.

Do you know what my favourite TV show is? It's British.

No, what?

Last of the Summer Wine.

I love that show. I love it!

You do?!

"Ooh, Nora!"

HE LAUGHS

"Ooh, Nora!" Why did the BBC end it?

Why?

Don't ask. Place full of lefties covering up paedo scandals.

After we watch this, I want to talk to you about how disgusting

-the cotton fields are in this country.

-Huh?

LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE THEME

All those children working there.

I know. It's bad.

You've got to try and stop it, old chap.

Yes.

Oh, is this the episode with June Whitfield?

She was in many episodes.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah. You really know the show.

Look! Look!

HE LAUGHS

That...that is a nice property.

In Guildford.

I like the mirrored dance floor in the kitchen.

Minister, can I say one thing?

I was surprised that you let Zarifi go.

We're pleased to see the back of him.

For years, every Western government has been nagging us about his imprisonment.

It even prevented the European Union signing a trade deal.

Of course we had to kick up a fuss when you took him in but...

You let him escape on purpose.

How dare you even suggest such a thing(!)

By the time you come back, hopefully they'll have built some

better hotels.

I'm never coming back.

But I think you'll find that not only have Anglo-Brit Oil

secured the new oil packages, but Warwick University have

agreed to have my new pal Zarifi to do a Masters in International Law.

That's wonderful! Thank you.

Yeah, I love Warwick. It's where I went.

It was your idea?

Yup. I think he'll have a terrific time there. I did.

The Avon. Stratford. Golf.

Well, thank you, Your Highness. It's been wonderful having you here.

You've achieved more than we could have dreamed.

Oh, Jessica, I think I might have left some Clinique body

lotion in the bathroom. It's quite a full pot.

Right. Well, I'll have it sent on.

Thanks. Great. Hope I wasn't too rude about the place.

No, not at all. It is a shithole.

Maybe I'll see you both at your next posting. Ciao.

He may be a five-star arsehole, but, my God, he's effective!

Here's a tricky one.

KNOCK ON DOOR

The President just made a speech banning the use of child labour on the cotton fields.

Wow. Amazing. Good old Zarifi.

Was this also due to Prince Mark?

They got pissed together.

Of course. Nice one, Mark.

Proper diplomacy.

CONTINUES LANGUAGE LESSON

What in the name of all that is holy is going on in your country?

No sooner has Prince Charming nailed us the oil contract,

you let the whole place burst into flames.

Have you at any time handed any classified documents

or information to anyone you shouldn't have?

I want to make improvements to my breasts. They need some work, eh?

-Erm, well..

-The opposition is led by a man called Oybek Yerzhan.

I think you're going to have to go and meet him.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd