Episode 5 Angry Boys

Use a glass, ya faggot.

Don't drink out of the milk bottle.

Fuck off.

Fuck off!

'Nathan's been a little shit lately.

'He's been annoying the fuck out of me.'

Mum! Nath's being a fag.

He's sticking up his fingers at me

-and he's drinking out of the milk bottle.

-Daniel, don't dob on him!

'He's such a little brat. He's just doing all this shit

'cos he's going to deaf school and he can get away with it.'

I am not! I fucking walked in and he did it. I did nothing.

-Oh, boo-hoo(!)

-He's fucking doing it now, if you turn round...

'He'll provoke me to the point where I get busted for shit he's done.'

-It's always the story.

-It's so fucking unfair!

He's playing all these faggy tricks on me.

Yeah, like piss funny.

-I don't know why you think it's funny.

-It's funny.

He got you good the other day, too.

He didn't get me the other day.

Yeah, he did.

What's this note about?

"Daniel, meet me in the backyard. Nathan."

-Don't know what he's doing, love.

-What does he want?

Nathan!

'Well, it's fucking disgusting, that's what it is.

'I get why you would do that when you're, like, a kid,

'but when you're a 17-year-old dude, don't piss on your brother.'

Why would there be a Crunchie here?

TRICKLING

Fucking little shit!

NATHAN LAUGHS

-Fuckwit!

-Piss funny!

-Fucking prick!

-Piss funny.

You're fucking disgusting. Mum! Nath's just pissed on me!

'He doesn't realise, but I'm getting him back for what he did.

-'What are you gonna do?

-I haven't worked that out,

but it's gonna be smart enough that he's gonna hate it

and I'm gonna get away with it.

You just wait and see.

-I got to see this.

-Well, you will.

Yeah all you fans, niggas, kids out there wondering where I am,

I'm still locked up, motherfuckers.

Some of you may have heard I dumped my label.

I gotta change my name now, cos the label own that for legal reasons.

So my new name is Smouse, exclamation mark. Yeah!

All right, cut that shit there.

We have a situation with Smouse's fan numbers dropping.

-Yeah, you shut up.

-We been losing thousands each day.

Listen, shut the fuck up and let me explain the situation.

It seems you go away for a little while

-and your fans, they start to forget you.

-Hell yeah, they forget you.

Yeah, we got numbers dropping a little bit. But I gotta say, nigga.

This is why I do my shout out videos.

This is why I do Twittering. I been Twittering my dick off on my phone.

Whatever comes into my head, I just Twitter that shit.

OK.

Today, I took a dump twice.

And it's only 10am in the morning.

Twitter that.

Put this shit up against the wall here.

-Careful with your mother's artwork over there, boy.

-Yeah, yeah.

You scratch it, you buy it.

'I built myself a motherfucking home recording studio.'

Yeah, look at all my shit. I buyed all this shit.

I buyed the keyboards, we buyed the speakers. We buyed this shit.

We got the vocal booth. It's where I do my rapping.

Yeah, yeah, can you hear me? Yeah, yeah, fuck yeah. Fuck you, fuck.

-We got these. These are...

-He matches them with his outfit.

-Which ones you think I'm wearing today?

-The green.

-Yeah? You wrong.

I go with the white.

DRUM BEATS

Yeah! Uh! Yeah!

-Danthony doing some beating there for me.

-That's how I roll.

This motherfucker my producer. I been lying about his ability.

He's a beatmaker, to be honest with you.

I say a lot of shit to keep him working, you know what I'm saying.

And all this? You wanna know what all this is for?

It's my independent album. It's gonna be called "The Real Me".

I'm gonna be making all my shit here.

My new music, original music.

Yeah, this is where it's gonna happen.

This is where I'm gonna record this shit, all here.

Yeah, play some beats, motherfucker. Beat it out, beat out.

DRUM BEATS

CAR HORN BLARING

Tim! Hurry up, please.

'The life of a skateboarding superstar

'is not what it's cracked up to be, you know.

'It's not all fun and games.'

Hurry up. When I tell you to hurry up, hurry up.

'When I first brought Tim over from the USA to Tokyo,

'he complained constantly.

'He's, "Oh, I miss my friend.'

"I miss my school. I want to go home."

All this, in my face.

'And I said to Tim, this is your new life, you know? Get used to it.'

Any idiot know that. Wrong.

'I home school Tim.'

-Well, can you help? I don't get it.

-How am I supposed to help

someone who get that many wrong?

'We do five hours of tutor a day, non-stop. We don't break.'

How you not know that? I knew that when I was six year old.

Point one milligram of magnesium was added to one mil of sulphuric acid.

Well, that's easy. That's obvious.

I said to Tim, what you can't learn from your mother,

you can't learn anywhere.

Oh, look, surprise, surprise. You didn't finish.

No origami for you. Math.

'Being the mother of a gay son come with its own problems.

'Statistics show that a lot of young gay teenagers will commit suicide

'because of the shame.

'You have to be careful to make sure you encourage them in the right way.'

Oh, my God. Look at the balls on that guy.

'And I always say to Tim, in this household,'

it's OK to be gay.

Go to your room if you want to jerk off while we eat dinner.

'Tim's image drives the company.'

Good. Do it again.

More pop this time.

'The more competition he win, the more popular he get.'

Prototype for the talking keyrings.

At the moment, Gay Style is on the incline.

We have projections for next few years

which mean we are going to make a lot and lot of money.

We press. "I'm gay! Skateboarding gay style."

'Gay Style Enterprise, it need to grow and grow and grow.'

Gayness. This is Tim's fragrance.

'It's not just about skateboarding. It's about product, merchandise.'

-We also have the curved, more cock-shaped one.

-Ichiban!

And I really like this one,

because you can take the lid off,

like so, and the perfume come out with a squeeze.

'Money-wise Tim is a child, so I take care

'of the finance side of things.'

and we have an arrangement. When he 18, he get a small...

Well, not small. A large lump sum,

2% of the profit, which he can spend on whatever he like.

Ah, this is a world first. The first ever flavoured shoe.

So you lick the shoe. This is caramel.

Mm, caramel shoe.

What's this one?

Sushi. That's a sushi flavour.

-What have you got there, Bruce?

-Ah, these are the grapefruit.

-Grapefruit.

-Mm.

Lick it, Tim. Come on.

'Tim, he does have final say, creatively, on all product.

'I wouldn't do anything unless Tim was happy.'

You like sushi?

-You like it? No?

-I don't like that one.

I like that. We do that one. You like lychee?

Kids would kill to have their own lickable shoe range.

Shwayne Junior's on a steady downhill slide.

I mean, record label has dropped him,

his fans are turning against him, you know.

I mean, he's a...

he's a bigger loser now than he ever was, you know.

Frankly, I'm a little embarrassed to be his father right now.

Yeah, yeah, you wanna hear some of my new shit.

Yeah, this is an exclusive live performance of my new shit.

This track is about my intellectality.

My mathematical brain, if you like.

RAPS: One divided by two

Equals three divided by four

Equals five divided by six

Equals my intellectality.

E equals MC squared, motherfuckers

Einstein style! One divided by...

This next song is my political views.

It's about the President of the United States, Barack Obama.

Play that shit, yeah.

Yeah.

RAPS: Obama, Obama

What you gonna do?

Obama, Obama

Come on, President

O... b... a... m... a

What you gonna do?

'My album is gonna have'

some deep shit on it, some smooth tracks.

We got a next song. It's about a lady who got cancer.

She had to remove her breast, know what I'm saying. It's a sad song.

It's from the man's perspective. Play that shit.

# I still love you baby

# Even though you have one titty

# I still need you baby... #

I mean, he's got no record company input.

Nobody telling him what to do. Does that sound any better to you?

Shit, from what I hear coming from that living room,

I mean, it is a bunch of bullshit, OK?

You do the math on that.

RAPS: Pussy or ass

Whatever you choose, motherfuckers.

That's your preview for now, motherfuckers. Out.

The College for the Deaf in Adelaide,

where we're sending Nathan,

have suggested that we meet with another family

who have a deaf boy that signs.

TOILET FLUSHING

-Daniel, are you ready for the guests?

-Yeah, I'm ready.

'They're actually coming out to the farm to meet with us today.'

-They're here, Daniel. Do you know where Nathan is?

-Nuh.

'I think, for Nathan, it will just be really good for him

'to see another family communicating, using sign language.'

So Sue, has Damien ever been to a farm before?

Damien's never been to a farm.

-No I haven't.

-Oh, well look, Nathan could take you for a ride around

on the back of his motorbike to have a look around the farm.

-That'd be great.

-That would be great.

-Hey Nath,

did you want a drink, mate? Want me to grab a drink out of the fridge?

-Nuh.

-If you're thirsty?

OK. Let me know.

So, did it take you long to learn the signing, Sue?

Oh, look, when Damien was born...

(Damien looks like a fag.)

-Excuse me. Daniel!

-What?

-Come and sit in here.

Nuh. I'm happy up here.

-You two are being so rude.

-What?

He's listening. We're listening.

Whispering! Grow up, Daniel!

-Listening.

-Sorry.

Damien makes friends easily then, does he?

-Yeah, look, he's got a couple of friends, yeah.

-That's wonderful.

Yeah.

Get up! Weight check time.

'Well, I need to make sure'

Tim keep winning his skate competition.

That will keep him more popular.

In order to do so, he has to keep fit.

Someone been a little piggy this week?

I have a strict training schedule.

He has a habit of putting on weight very easily.

He got the fat gene off his father, Yuki.

Yuki can blow up like a balloon if he not careful.

Twenty more kilometres.

'I need to be very careful with Tim and junk food.

'He's a junk food addict.'

Tim. Shut up, please. I'm on the phone.

The food really drives him and I find sometimes, when I do meal skips...

Meal skips are when I skip a meal in order for weight loss,

and I do that every two days, just a random meal.

You don't know if it's going to be breakfast, lunch or dinner.

I have to check his bedroom afterwards

because he sometimes sneak food out of my kitchen into his room.

Sick of your shit.

'I do a lot of my own exercise techniques on Tim,

'based on ancient Japanese methods that I've learned

'from my grandmother.'

Now I want you to squeeze your bottom cheek in.

Squeeze hard... And release.

'One method that I've been using on Tim for weight loss

'is called the fart method.'

I want you down, facing me, on all four.

And bottom up, and out.

And fart.

Fart!

'You are required to fart.'

You do it just before you go to bed.

Fart out as much fart as you can.

And try your hardest, concentrate and fart.

Come on, Tim.

Listening. Fart.

'I don't want to have a fat kid.'

You never seen a fat skateboarder before, because you know why?

They can't skate.

Fart, please.

Come on.

Tim, please fart.

FARTS

Good. OK. Now you not get fat.

RAPS: Three legged dog I want a three legged dog...

'I'm in the recording studio. This time around'

I'm writing my own shit.

So I can think of any shit I want, and it can become a song, you know what I'm sayin'?

I'll just think of shit and I'll just put it down.

Mattress, you mother lie on my fuckin' mattress Fuck me on the mattress.

All that shit. That can become a song. There's a chorus right there. You got the hook in there.

I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really want a three-legged dog

Yeah, yeah.

-You got that shit?

-My nigga, those lyrics are shit, y'all.

Shut the fuck up. Your beats are shit, motherfucker.

Babe, you never told me you wanted a three-legged dog.

I'm tryin' to concentrate and have a discussion with my engineer.

I don't need input, if you know what I'm sayin'.

Sorry for making a comment on your lyrics. I'm just sayin', we been together for three months,

-and you never told me you wanted a three-legged dog.

-Maybe I wanted a three-legged dog

all my life and I never told you cos I don't tell you all the shit.

You may be my girlfriend, but you not my brain.

'To be honest, there been a little bit of tension in the studio

'with the other motherfuckers, you know what I'm sayin'?'

Danthony and Lasquisha, they always at me.

And they been sayin' shit like, "You don't...

"Do it better. Do it like this."

And when I'm workin', when my brain is goin' as fast as it does, and itgoes quite fast, then you know,

I can't be distracted with all that shit, you know what I'm sayin'?

Baby, when are we gonna do my track?

-Our romantic song?

-Babe, you know we're waitin' to hear from Rihanna about that shit.

-I told you.

-When?

-I mean, you know... Don't bring this shit up.

-I can sing on a track.

-'Lasquisha, she's a model slash actress.'

But she also... She want to be a singer.

So she been pushin' me sayin', "Smouse, you gotta get me on your album."

She wanna sing a duet with me, but you know, motherfuck, she can't sing that good.

-You promised me.

-What do you want me to do? You want me to call Rihanna and say,

"You can't sing on my album

"because my girlfriend's gonna sing that track"? No fuckin' way.

-Why the fuck not?

-Because.

-I'm your girl and I can sing, right?

You want the truth? To be honest, you're not exactly Alicia Keys in the vocals department.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah, that's the truth.

-Is that a fact?

-Yeah.

-SHE SINGS

-Well, what do you call this, then?

-I call that shit.

-You call it what?

-I call that shit.

-You know what? You say I'm no Alicia Keys?

-Yeah.

-Well, you're not exactly TI in the looks department, either buddy.

Seriously, you want me to give up my one romantic song on the album,

give up the chance to do a duet with Rihanna for you...

-You're gonna fuckin' call Rihanna. and tell her I'm gonna...

-Don't you fuckin' push me.

-..sing on the track and that's it. Which track is it?

-"Touchin' My Big Black Balls".

-I told you that shit.

-She gonna be on what?

That's my favourite track and I'm the only one that touches your big black balls.

-Listen, baby.

-She's not singin' on that motherfuckin' track.

-Give me my lyrics back!

-No.

-Gimme my shit. I need that.

-Your fuckin' lyrics. This shit is gonna go down the fuckin' toilet.

-Baby. Baby.

-Oh, my God!

-What the...?

-Oh, my God.

What the fuck is that? I did...

I did not do that shit.

-Oh... my... God.

-What the fuck.

Get your fuckin' hands off of me, Chris Brown!

-I did not... I grabbed...

-I can't believe you tried to get fuckin' violent with me!

-I was grabbin' my lyrics.

-You officially crossed the line.

-I did not touch you.

I can't believe you fuckin' resort to violence.

-I can't believe you actin' this shit.

-I'm not gonna let you domestically violate me!

-Yeah, yeah.

-I'm goin' straight to my girlfriends.

-Fuck you and fuck your fuckin' lyrics!

-Fuck you.

Fuckin' have sex with your fuckin' three-legged dog, bitch!

Ignore that shit.

No chatting online! I told you.

You talk to your fans via your approved online blog.

-They're my friends.

-I don't work my ass off to have you wasting your time on talking to girls online.

No MSN chat, no Mixy chat, no Facebook chat.

None of it. I'm sick of it.

I work my ass off for... Oh, storm off. Off you go.

'I am furious with Tim at the moment.'

I caught him late last night on his computer.

I have a security camera in his room, which I use to keep an eye on him.

There's Tim.

Straight onto Chewy-Chat..

I know that page anywhere.

That's definitely Chewy-Chat. That's him typing.

But yes, he was online on Chewy-Chat, chatting to girls last night.

I know that because I went in later and looked at the history.

But yes, he know girls are strictly no go. They off limits.

I think I hear him at that point.

And then I leave.

Your phone probably got girls' phone numbers in it.

'I confiscate Tim's phone as punishment for him.'

Your phone... Too late, too late, too late.

-Your phone gone.

-You just broke your garbage disposal.

-You're gay.

You don't go getting confused, OK?

'He did not like that at all. He go off the rails sometimes,'

sulking, because I punish him.

But that's teenagers.

Where's Nathan? He should be out here chatting with Damien.

-I don't know where he is.

-He's come all the way to see him.

-So does Nathan do OK socially?

-No, he's fine.

-He's OK?

-Mm.

-Daniel, Nathan wants to see you at the tank.

What does he want? He's s'posed to be here talking to the deaf kid.

-It's important. Just come and see him at the tank!

-What the fuck does he want?

He's such a fuckin' knob.

What's the little fuckwit doin'?

He's not there. He's not at the fuckin' tank.

-Yeah, he said he would be.

-Nathan!

Nathan, ya fag! Where is he? You said he'd be at the tank.

Should be here.

Where are ya? Well, he's not there.

Whose Chomp?

-Nathan!

-Fuckin' little...

-Get down from there!

-That's really dangerous!

-I'll beat the shit out of you!

-Piss funny!

-Fuckin' piss on you. You wait and see, dickhead.

-Piss funny!

-I'll drop a turd on your face when you're asleep, ya fuckwit!

-Language, mate. We've got guests.

-I don't fuckin' care.

I'm sayin' yeah, match it up.

-OK. I can do that.

-'Lasquisha comin' in today to record her vocal.'

After the fight, she contacted her lawyer and she said that I gave her a black eye.

Where's your black eye at?

'So now she got a restraining order out on me.

-I'm not allowed to go near her or talk to her.

-Tell Smouse I'm ready to do my vocals.

Dawg, she ready.

'She gonna sing on the track. I don't want any more trouble.

'But so far, I gotta tell you, she sounds shit.'

# He's got them black balls

# He's got black balls

# He's got big, black, big, black balls. #

Babe, wait up. We're gonna have to cut you there, babe.

-We're gonna have to do that again.

-Danthony, next section.

# Black balls... #

'I guess it makes a lot more sense for my own girl to be singin' on my track rather than Rihanna.'

And I gotta let her anyway, cos she gonna sue my ass if I don't.

Baby, you know it's true

Your eyes popped out when I first showed you

You praised the Lord You was in luck

I needed heavy duty underwear to hold 'em up

-I got black balls

-Black balls

-Touchin' my black balls

-He's got black balls

Touchin' my big black

Big black balls motherfucker.

-Motherfuck, that sounds good.

-Think that might be it, my dude.

Yeah, we got ourselves a motherfuckin' hit song.

Well done, baby. You talkin' to me now? Yeah?

You know you are. You know you sound good.

Tim! Hurry up, please.

'Well, today brought some very, very good news.

'Some news that's going to make us a lot of money.'

We have got a surprise for you.

You are going to do a celebrity endorsement for Ushi Cola!

-Yes!

-It's a 6 million ad campaign, Tim!

'I been chasing up a big ad campaign'

for Tim, and today we found out we got the green light.

Are you still sulking about your phone? Move on.

-Tell him, Bruce.

-Tim, it's big.

It's TV, radio, commercial, billboard, Tim!

And they send you a lifetime supply of Ushi Cola.

Why you being ungrateful little shit?

Lifetime supply.

Not for you, cos you get too fat if you drink it.

But the rest of us going to love it.

We sick of your attitude, Tim.

Do you know how hard Bruce and I have worked for this campaign?

What you got to say?

Thank you?

You have to lose your teenage attitude.

I don't know what hormones are going on in your brain,

but it's pissing me off.

Piss off. Go to bed. I'm sick of you.

'You know, you commit your life to your children.

'You work so hard, and sometime they just slap you in the face.'

Tim know that I have his best interest in my head

and I just want him to be happy.

'What more would a mother want?'

Timmy, Mummy love you.

You didn't fart yet.

Come on.

HE FARTS

Good boy.

Danthony done a little post production on Lasquisha's vocals and I said to Danthony,

"Wat the fuck can you do to make this bitch sound good?"

# Black balls

# Touchin' his black balls...

# Touchin' his big black, big black balls... #

Yeah. Now you like it, baby?

-I told you I could do this, baby.

-Yeah, you sound amazing, baby.

-Don't ever doubt me.

-You know what?

'It's one step closer to me realising my dream.'

My own album, my own music, the real me, yeah.

Dad, we got a track to play you.

-What?

-We gonna play you a track!

'We got some dope tracks on there. We got some real shit.'

Some shit that it's gonna blow the minds of the fans off their heads.

# I got his big black

# Big black balls You know it's true, motherfuckers. #

-What do you think of that shit?

-You scratch my table with all this shit?

What do you think of the track?

-The song?

-Yeah.

-Who's the robot doin' the singing?

Ain't nobody gonna buy this sort of bullshit, man.

You got to be kiddin' me.

What is all this goddam shit lyin' around?

Somebody can trip over this shit.

Goddam!

Your mama trip over that shit, she fuckin' have...

a knee replaced or some shit.

Oi, Nathan. Nathan!

Do you reckon when you go to deaf school that you're gonna be best mates with Damien?

Do you reckon you would be? Seems like a good bloke.

I reckon you're gonna be heaps like him when you start signing and all that shit.

You and Damo, mate. Besties.

You reckon? Yeah?

-I reckon you will be.

-Fuck off.

-BFFs with the Daimster.

-Daniel?

-Yeah?

Stop teasing him about deaf school.

You're going to completely freak him out about going.

You're right actually, Mum. Yeah, I probably...

it's a little bit irresponsible of me.

Hey, Nath?

Did you want a Gatorade at all?

Did you want that, cos I was thinkin'...

I was gonna ask you before if you wanted the Gatorade. Just have it.

It's not Gatorade. I pissed in it.

Have a big scull of it, Nath. It's yummy.

What are you doin'?

What are you doin'?

You fuckin' little fuckin'...

faggot!

-Fuckin' gonna piss and shit on you, you fuckin' little fuck!

-Piss funny!

-I'm gonna shit on you. You're gonna fuckin' clean that up, you dirty...

-What the hell's going on?

-I'm shitting on your fuckin' face!

-Piss funny!

It's a pretty rough here.

It's Gran and the Doggy Wanker. He's outside for once.

Leave him alone. I'll give you ten bucks if you say a word. No!

You can't afford to be a pussy and keep to yourself.

Get the fuck away!

Every couple of months we do our scaring young boys program.

Who needs a ball and chain? I'll show you to the torture rooms.

Stop being a bloody idiot and grow some balls.

Am I a bloke? 'Me and Hunter have actually been really busy.

Come up with a specialist surf school.' We'll call it Fat Boys School.

'If I can get a fat kid up there on a surfboard then I'm stoked.' Fellas, come get your rashies!

-I can't really breathe.

-You're all here, guys, because you are...

-Fat.

You see a hot girl, remember, let her have it.

How're ya goin', lard arse!

Stacks on Julian!

-No, fuck off, Daniel!

-See ya, Nath!

-Mum and Steve are goin' away.

-Fuck off!

-I'm the dad!

Go to fuckin' bed. Tomorrow night I'm havin' a huge party.

Go, Black Daniel!

Shit, it's my mum! Yeah, I got the kids doin' their homework and shit. One more beer and that's it, OK?

-Fuck off!

-Thanks for ruining it!

-I can't fuckin' control 'em!

-Who's our surfing champion of tomorrow?

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