Episode 9 Angry Boys

This programme contains very strong language.

'Nath's deaf and a bit retarded so he can't get his driver's licence.'

Just slow on the fucking clutch, you faggot.

'And mum doesn't want him to cos she reckons he'll stack it.

'So what I've been doing is I've been teaching him to drive around the farm.'

What did I fucking tell ya? Slow on the clutch.

I'll punch your leg if you do it again. Yeah, you've stalled it.

'Like, if he gets good at it, I'm going to give him what I call farm Ps,'

which will allow him to drive around the farm without me, on his own.

He hasn't got them yet, but yeah, it's just a licence I've invented.

Up that that way. Looking? 'He's actually going for his farm Ps test today.'

He's failed it three times already, so we'll see how he goes today. Fingers crossed.

Do a doughy. ENGINE REVS

'There's a range of things that are covered.

'You've got to do doughys.' Go!

'You got to dodge obstacles.'

No!

-Fuck you, Daniel! You're buying me another one.

-Do it again.

It's fucking squashed.

'And then there's pedestrian awareness.' Nath! Go!

Brake, brake, brake, brake! You're going to hit her! Brake!

SHE SCREAMS Fucking hell.

I fucking hate you, Daniel!

Jeez! You're a shit driver. Fuck's sake!

You're not getting your farm Ps for that, dickhead.

THEME MUSIC

It's three weeks until Nath's farewell party until he goes to deaf school.

I'm getting pretty pumped about all the special guests that are coming.

-'No, still nothing.

-Gran hasn't officially heard back whether the legends are coming,

but she's pretty confident they will, and I've got a feeling they will.

Like, I'm pretty sure they will come.

I reckon there's a big tree here, but that's why they've got security

and shit there, cos they don't want any deaf kids climbing over that.

'I've been thinking heaps about Nath going to deaf school and I've come up with an escape plan.

'Like, he's going to go, but if he hates it, then I need to escape him from there, so...'

Nath, this is where I'm going to meet ya.

So that's the meeting spot there,

cos according to the deaf school brochure,

they've got minimal security on that wing.

So that'll be the best chance for me to break in there.

Isn't it just a school, but?

Yeah, but deaf school, so you've got high security.

'What it is, he's going to text me the word "fuckos" '

which means he's hating it and he wants me to get him out of it.

And then I start the escape plan. Like that's when I do it.

Like if he just texted me, "get me the fuck out of here" or something,

then it might get intercepted and it might bump the security up, or some shit like that.

-Nath, what's your code word?

-Fuckos.

Fuckos, yeah. Don't forget. You should write that down, mate.

And Nath, when you actually meet me there, bring minimal clothes,

cos like we're going to be hitch-hiking back,

so you don't want to have excess baggage and shit to carry.

-WOMAN WITH JAPANESE ACCENT:

-'The big day has finally arrived.

'We are at the Ushi Cola ad campaign shoot.'

Not here, please, he need that just to go back at the back there. That's his iconic look.

'Well, Tim, he's very nervous,'

but no wonder, it's one of the biggest ad campaigns anyone has ever got.

Ah, shit!

-Shush, please, there's people trying to work, Tim.

-When can I see the script?

Not yet, I need to go over it with the director.

A few little changes I want to make.

I like to have a lot of control over the script,

so I've been working with the scriptwriter.

Make sure that what Tim's saying is what I want him to say.

-Why is that guy practising my stunt?

-Ah, don't worry.

Why is he practising my stunt?

Safety reasons. You're not actually going to do the stunt.

-What do you mean I'm not doing the stunt?

-It's the magic of television, Tim.

I want to do my own stunts, are you kidding me?

-Well, you're not going to.

-Why not?

-Cos you don't understand how this world works.

-Explain it to me.

-It's an illusion, OK?

-So I'm not doing my own stunts?

If I let you do your own stunts, you hurt yourself.

-I'm not going to hurt myself.

-Maybe you will. I told him no stunts.

That's what I want you to look like at the end of the ad, OK?

I'm not going to look like that if I don't do my own stunts.

You will, because you're getting paid 6 million, OK? You will.

So Tim, your stuntman, he is going to skate up here.

Tim! Looking please! Tim!

Up, over. You going to crouch down here,

you going to pop up on to the step, big jump.

You say your line to the camera, OK?

Come here, Tim. Come here.

-I can do this.

-Crouch here. Show me how you do it, then.

-I can do my own stunts.

-Get down.

Crouch down. When he lands, you jump up,

leg over, and then I want you to end up up here...

..crouched down.

Where you say your line to the camera, OK?

'Tim, he can be a little shit sometimes, so I have to'

play psychological game with him.

And I find the best approach, what he don't know don't hurt him.

Oil, please.

-OK, stand still.

-What are you doing?

Oiling you up. Stand still, please!

Don't make a scene. We oiling you up. You have to look gay.

I'm wearing a T-shirt anyway.

No, you going shirtless.

You never told me that.

It's in the contract, Tim. Shirtless. Now stop complaining - you are embarrassing me.

-Why didn't you tell me? I don't want to be shirtless.

-You are going to be shirtless.

-Stop being stupid.

-I don't want to be shirtless!

And stop embarrassing me in front of the whole crew, OK?

-I don't want to be shirtless.

-Too bad, OK?

We don't always get what we want.

-How are you, mate? Good?

-Yeah, not bad.

'It's been a bit a pretty upsy-downsy week since the shooting.'

Paco is still in intensive care so it's been pretty scary, and Ashley's back inside.

Yeah, I'm out on bail till the court case.

Just depends if Ashley wants me to take me down.

Yeah, you know, all right. 'If they say I'm in on it,'

then they reckon I could get five years' jail.

And if Paco dies, I could get 15 years.

Fuck me.

This will be good, this'll be good, like old times, mate.

'And probably worse news is that Kareena and the kids have left.'

Yeah, things got a bit rough since the arrest and that,

and heaps of fights and stuff.

So they shot through and I think she's at her sister's in Sydney.

She won't tell me where she is, but I think that's where she is.

So that's been pretty, been pretty devo about that.

'My best mate Hunter's moved in.' Tie me up.

'We're managing pretty well so far, with all the domestic shit.'

Not that fucking tight.

'You've got to look out for your mates, I reckon, when they're doing it tough.'

Should we put water in that?

No, just chuck it in like that.

'Before Kareena came along and the kids,

'before they got together, it was just me and Blake anyway.'

So, you know, if she doesn't come back it won't be such a bad thing after all, you know?

Well, yeah, it would.

It would for me, cos I want them to come back,

-I don't want to live with you.

-No, definitely be bad.

I like you mate, but as a preference I'd have Kareena and the kids over you.

-Yeah.

-But I appreciate what you're doing for me, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

He's got the smallest dick in the world.

What are you fucksacks laughing about?

Just naked photos of you when you're younger. You look like a fag.

Yeah, we know! Fucking old joke, you get them out all the fucking time.

-I'm sick of these shots being dragged out.

-Look how small his dick is.

I'm taking them, I'm confiscating these photos.

Mum, why are there so many naked photos of me as a kid?

Were you and Dad paedophiles are something?

-Daniel, you were just so cute back then.

-Tell that to the judge.

I've confiscated the incriminating shots.

Daniel, don't you wreck my albums.

Mum.

Ah, look at you, handsome! Come here.

-You look gorgeous.

-Is that his deaf school uniform?

-Yeah, cool, eh?

What the fuck are you wearing?

Oh, my God!

Nice uniform, Sergeant Simms.

I thought it was deaf school, not homosexual school.

-Fuck off!

-Daniel?!

-I'm joking.

-Well done! He's already feeling bad enough as it is

without you starting on him about deaf school and his uniform.

-He looks like a poof.

-That's all he needs.

-Well, look at his uniform. Fuck!

Tim!

Tim! Run your lines, please. Come in, crouch down behind the stair, please.

Tell your man to do that. MAN TRANSLATES

Crouch down please, Tim.

-Here we go. Ready!

-Action!

Up he go, over the ramp. Tim, you jump up!

Up on the stairs and you say "Ushi Gay!"

-Ushi Gay.

-For the gay inside all of us.

-No way!

-What the hell?

-Now, Tim, the product's coming.

Now, when you say your line, you hold this up to the front, OK?

-No! I'm not doing this.

-Make sure the Ushi Gay is held out to the front of the camera. OK?

Why's it called Ushi Gay? You told me it was just called Ushi.

Because you're gay, Tim. It's in that contract, OK?

Why didn't you tell me? You never tell me anything.

-Tim, it's in the contract.

-I'm not doing this.

It's a limited edition can especially for you, OK?

-Do what you're told, OK?

-I'm not doing it.

We do it again, come on, Tim. Do it, don't embarrass me.

OK, sorry about this. We do it one more time.

OK, when you're ready, Tim.

-I'm not doing this.

-Tim.

Tim? Timothy!

Get back here. You are in so much trouble!

-All these people are here for you.

-You lied to me about the whole gay thing.

-I've told you to back off on it, I'm tired of it.

-It's work, OK?

That's all it is, it's work.

You don't have to deny being gay, all right?

-I'm not gay!

-I know you...

I've never been gay and I'm not going to be gay.

This whole thing was your idea. I told you to lay off it.

Do you know how many kids would want their very own Ushi can, OK?

You got your very own flavour. Now don't make me smack you in front of everyone, cos I will.

You're insane. You're freaking insane.

You want to get smacked? OK.

You're getting smacked tonight.

Stupid little shit.

KNOCKING 'Hunter's been trying to cheer me up because

'I've been a bit sad and a bit upset about Kareena not being here and that.'

-CHEERING

-'I thought some fun and games with the boys, it'd be good for Blake.

'Take his mind off stuff. Stop him waiting for the phone to ring.'

-THEY CHANT

-'We just want to look after Blake.'

He's been really good to us.

So if we can do anything to ease his pain, you know, like, we will.

'I did mention to the guys that when they do come over,

'just don't mention Kareena and the kids and stuff cos he's really sensitive about it.'

Shut up, shut up, guys. My phone, it could be Kareena.

Oh, hilarious.

'The boys really know how to have fun, it keeps your mind off things.'

-Farts on fire?

-I'd be up for lighting farts.

'You can express your feelings with your mates and you can sort of be yourself.'

Good shot. What is it? 10! 10.

'We all sort of have a go at each other and take the piss out of each other

'and we're into the same shit and that, so...you know,

'you can't really go wrong hanging out with those blokes.

'And it sort of, you know, it takes your mind off your worries.'

Hey. There's this thing you can do when you start crying, it's called the blink method.

You just blink 50 times when you feel sad and you want to cry,

just start blinking. By the time you've finished doing that you're not going to cry.

You're an idiot, man. You're an idiot.

OK, fart comp! Who's in?

He knows his way around though, so...like, he'd know where he was.

-Any luck?

-Nah.

Did the whole of Edgar's road, right up to Cherry Swamp.

-No sign of him up there.

-Well, Nathan's gone missing.

He got really pissed off about me bagging him about his school uniform,

so he's just shot through.

-Daniel, have you got any ideas?

-Nah.

There's no clues in his note either.

"I don't want to go to fuckin' deaf school. Daniel hurt my feelings.

"I'm running away forever, so fuck off. Nathan."

Nath doesn't normally do shit like this, so, yeah.

We're all getting a bit worried because he's been gone for a while now.

-So what do you reckon? Reckon he's been here?

-I don't know...

you're the one who said he'd be down the Dam, probably.

What do you mean? You said you could fucking read tracks and shit.

-Yeah...

-What are the tracks telling you?

My best mate, Black Daniel, he's an aborigine

and they're really good at tracking.

He's wearing his Nikes, right?

-Yeah, I suppose.

-Well he's heading off in this direction.

-What, you can read that shit?

-Yep. Skill, mate.

-Nathan!

-Nathan!

-Reckon that's Nathan?

-That's Nathan for sure, man.

-So that's a good clue, because we know he's gone this way.

-Yeah.

-For sure. What's that?

-What is it?

-Ah, nothing.

-What did you think it was?

Ah, just thought it was some marsupial tracks or something, man.

-Nathan!

-Ah, fuck!

-What?

-No way!

-What?

-Those are his shoes, right?

-Yeah.

-Well they're going in, man, but they ain't coming out.

Oh, fuck. So you reckon he might be out there?

-Yeah, man, looks like we're going to have to dredge it.

-Ah, fuck.

-That's definitely his shoes.

-Yep, that's him for sure.

-Shit, man, fuck. If he's out there. Fuck.

Mmm, that looks good. Tim, I need you to come over here, please.

We need to go through these stills from the photo shoot.

'Tim finally agreed to do the commercial.

'I just told the director that he had diarrhoea,

'and that is why he had to run away.'

I like this one.

Erm...this one's good because your butt's facing the camera.

'Tim is a little funny with me sometimes, like he doesn't trust me.'

But deep down, Tim knows I know what's best for him.

Could I get you to take all of those to the incinerator, please?

Tim?

Paying attention, please. You have to help me do this shit.

-What is this?

-That is just crap.

This letter's addressed to me! Why didn't you give this to me?

This is all addressed to me.

-Why haven't I been getting these?

-Why would I give those to you, Tim?

It's just idiotic fan mail from stupid fans.

Fans are taking the time to write to me, and thanks to you, I'm ignoring them.

Tim, you are very famous,

I have been getting a lot of this mail for years,

and I've been incinerating it as long as I can remember.

They're my fans!

Tim, you read that shit? They're all psychos. "Tim, come to my party.

"Tim, ah, you hot. Tim, marry me." You don't need an ego boost.

You're up yourself enough as it is.

You're not going to help me, you're going now, are you?

I have to do it on my own? For fuck's sake.

Why don't you go beat yourself up, Tim, you love yourself enough!

Cho, take that downstairs.

-You know I've over 500,000 fans on my website?

-Yes.

-Do you want to know what I told them all this morning?

-What?

That I have a girlfriend and I'm not gay.

You are gay, Tim.

Her name is Maya, and we've been going out for a couple of months.

-Who the fuck is that?

-This is my girlfriend and I'm not gay.

-Get that offline!

-There's been thousands of views already, I'm not taking it off.

-Shut your fucking mouth!

-Everyone's been congratulating me, Mom.

-Get that shit offline, Tim. You are gay.

-I'm not gay!

-You are!

-You know it!

You want to ruin your whole career? Get that shit offline!

You are in big trouble if this true, Tim.

Don't worry, mate. She'll come back, she's just really, really pissed off. That's all.

Yeah, but what can I do to make sure I actually get her back?

Like, what can I do to actually guarantee I get her back?

This is what I'm thinking. I'm thinking a couple of things.

One, go back to surfing. Do the Billabong Legends of Surfing tour.

Like, I'm shit scared, but I know she's into it.

-Mm-hm.

-She'd love it if I did that.

Two, get the artificial balls. Have the operation.

She don't care about that, mate. Chicks aren't even into balls.

Yeah, she says she doesn't care,

but who's going to want a husband without balls?

Seriously? Who would?

She's bullshitting if she says she's not into it.

You can get rid of us boys, the Mucka boys.

As if I'm getting rid of you, no fuckin' way.

-It's a lifelong membership to you guys.

-I'm with you, mate. Mucka Boys forever.

What else could you do?

-Could dress better, I suppose.

-You dress all right.

Nah, Kareena reckons I dress like a teenager.

Could go a bit more metrosexual, a bit more like Jesse's style.

Get a few more, like, V-neck tees and that.

And sort of, you know, those Velcro loafers that he's got.

-Yeah, might suit you.

-Become a bit more fashion-conscious, a bit more fashion-forward.

I could see you in that shit.

Just want to get more like, romantic and that, too.

Like, do romantic shit around the house. Like, get into R&B and that.

Music, you know? That's the shit that she's into.

Maybe get some flowers and shit around the house, you know?

Like, get potpourri, make it smell nice, air fresheners, all that shit.

-Whatever works for you, mate, really.

-Whatever it takes to get her back, I'll do it.

New set of balls, they'd be good, eh?

Nathan.

What are you doing in here, you duffer?

Come on, hop out.

'The good news is we found Nathan.

'I heard his voice coming from the cupboard and he'd been praying.

'He does pray every now and again.'

But he'd been praying that he didn't have to go to deaf school.

Daniel and Black Daniel have been looking for you everywhere.

They've been really worried.

'He really doesn't want to go. I think he's just going along with it for our sake.'

You're going to rumple your uniform, getting up in there.

Yeah, Sergeant!

-Buck off!

-Shut up!

Yeah, if it wasn't for me we wouldn't be here, but.

You got to stop blaming yourself, man.

Yeah, it is my fault, but.

I was teasing him and he hates getting teased.

It's not your fault, man.

Nathan's a really weird kid, bro, you couldn't help that shit.

Oh, fuck! Fucking hell!

What?

Oh, fuck. I thought it was his head.

-Keep looking.

-All right.

Stupid slut.

Look at this bitch!

She not even good rooking!

Dumb slut. Keep your hands off my son.

'Well, the phone has been ringing off the hook.

'Everyone wants to know if Tim is not really gay.'

I've told them all that it's a practical joke, that Tim put it onrine as a joke.

Not many people berieved that.

This thing is getting too big for me to handle.

I'm going to call Tim again. 'Tim has escaped.

'He's turned his phone off the hook.

'I think he's probably with that slut right now.

'Probably got his dick in her as we speak.'

Hi, Tim. It's your mum.

Hope you're having fun with your slut.

Why don't you stop thinking with your dick for once

and start thinking about the people in your famiry that you're hurting?

Like your mother! Call me back, dickhead.

Fuck! I don't know how he could do this to his own mother.

He really fucked me up, big time.

Jenny Okazaki?

Ah, yes. Yes, I know.

Ah, yes. No, I heard it was a practical joke.

'I'm going to write a press release to say that Tim isn't really straight.'

And Bruce and I suggest that I do a Youtube plea to the fans to explain the situation.

Oshi Cola are shitting themselves.

They're going to cancel the fucking campaign if this shit gets any bigger.

We've got a lot of heat coming in.

A lot of people are very mad that Tim has lied to them.

I'm still pissed off at that little shit for ruining everything.

Stupid fucking...

'I need to get on top of this thing.

'If this thing gets out, it could ruin everything.'

Don't do that, it's just business!

Don't hurt yourself! Come on! Jen, please!

-Wakka wakka wakka!

-Oi, oi, oi!

Well, we heard from the hospital that Paco is going to be OK, he's off the critical list.

So that's really good.

That will lessen, Blake's sentence.

-If he does end up going in.

-Yeah, we've just heard.

They reckon he'll recover.

But they still might think I tried to kill him with Ashley.

He's on the phone to Kareena at the moment.

He's pretty confident she'll come back.

I'm not so confident. She's really pissed off.

Listen, babe, I think I might go back to surfing.

Yeah, and I think I might get the artificial balls operation.

For you.

No, babe. Babe, listen. I'm just...

Kareena, please? I'm just...

I mean, he's going to have his own kid. Well, it's not even his kid.

The sperm is not even Blake's. So there's no connection there.

I said I'm sorry about 10 times, babe. I can't help what happened.

I don't know if it would be such a great loss if she...

I mean, it would be a great loss if she left.

We'll just have to see how it goes, I guess.

Can I get you something? Beer? Chips?

No, I'm alright, mate, cheers.

Cool, no worries?

Yeah.

No luck.

We couldn't find him.

He's in his room, guys. Didn't you get my text?

What? He's here?! Fuck!

Nathan!

Fuck me! I can't believe you're alive, dude!

Fuck, mate, it's so good to see you! Where were you, man?

-We thought we'd lost you, man.

-I'm so glad you're here.

I'm sorry for what I said about your uniform. The uniform was cool, man.

-I'm so sorry.

-Before you get too gay about it all, you might want to check out Nathan's Myspace.

-Why?

-He uploaded this album. It's called Naked Photos Of My Brother.

Shit, I don't believe that, man!

Take it off! Delete it!

Oh my God, look how small his cock is!

You fucking little faggot, delete it! Take it off there!

Fucking delete it right now! Delete that fucking shit!

Fucking arsehole!

I'm getting my shit on for my album.

When you're talking image, you're talking clothes.

Tight at the bottom and loose at the top, just rock it with the one.

You give me directions. That's the album cover!

Yeah, I wanna kill you, nigger! That helicopter was the paparazzi.

-Slap my fat gut.

-Anyone who believes that shit is a mother ass fucker.

It's been a pretty sad day today.

-Oh, no!

-Kerry-Ann, she was the one.

The boys think Taylor was involved.

I reckon you fucked 'em pretty good, didn't ya?

Poor Taylor has got himself two days of isolation.

Did you want anything from the wine cellar? I'll just go down and get it.

Today is the day for mum and Steve's wedding. We have to wear suits. Mum!

This suit is too small! It's dividing my balls.

Could I ask our best man, Nathan, to pass us the ring.

Welcome to the family, Steve.

Me and my mates did the wedding entertainment.

# My man Steve. My man Steve

# Yeah, yeah. #

-That's for getting me in trouble, dickhead.

-That is going to be so big.

Bigger than when Jesus got borned.