Uncle Thiru Asian Provocateur

This programme contains some strong language.

-Romy, I want you to visit Sri Lanka. Would you like to do that, darling?

-No.

-Why not?

Sorry...

Jesus Christ.

My name's Romesh Ranganathan

and I know absolutely nothing about the culture where my family are from.

My feet are actually burning.

I know more about Horsham.

That's sad, isn't it?

You are Sri Lankan, but you're a coconut, isn't it?

Ow! Jesus!

-What do you mean I'm a...

-You were born and brought up in

England, so you speak English, you don't know the language...

You made me a coconut!

I'm sending you to Sri Lanka to learn about the religion,

the language, about my relations, and learn about their culture.

Shit!

My mum's put me up for doing a tour of Sri Lanka.

And I do want to go and do it, but I'm not doing it cos my mum

told me to, except for the fact that my mum told me to and I am doing it.

Ow! Ooh!

Ow! Oh!

Oh, mate! OK, I'm done. I'm done.

Who am I going to be meeting?

Thiru. He's going to teach you or explain to you

how to be a Sri Lankan.

Who is Thiru?

Thiru is my father's side relations.

Is he definitely related to us?

I don't want to turn up there

and then just some random Sri Lankan guy...

He's not a random Sri Lankan guy. You're asking so many questions.

No, I'm just asking one question!

How are we related to Thiru?

Well, I can't answer that.

Thiru's supposed to be meeting me, but I can't... Well, he's not here.

What do I do?

-Romy?

-Yeah, hello. Sorry, who are you?

Thiru my boss.

Oh, hello. How are you doing? Romesh. Oh, are you to pick me up?

So where's Thiru? Is Thiru coming?

Thiru, yes. Thiru.

He's coming here?

Can you just give me one minute? Sorry, I just need to...

Very quickly. I just need to make a quick phone call.

Mate, he's got your luggage.

Er, sorry, what was your name?

Aravinda.

Are we going to see Thiru now?

Ah...

Is... Are we... Where is Thiru now?

Thiru boss.

No, I know, but where is he?

Where am I going?

Well, Thiru's house.

Yeah. That's where we're going, isn't it?

Isn't that where we're going?

What is he...?

Where is he?

Oh, here we go.

This, take.

What's this now?

It's getting dark now, isn't it?

What was your favourite bit of the day?

I think my favourite bit was the realisation that I've been kidnapped.

Hello.

What was... What happened there?

Ah, one cash collection.

Cash collection?

Have you ever seen the film Taken?

Genuinely the shittest thing ever, this. Isn't it?

Can you just take me to the hotel, mate?

How are you feeling this morning?

Well, yesterday was a write-off.

But Thiru is meant to be coming today.

And I'm quite excited, because I was sort of thinking

I would set up something, and I thought, "I'm into hip hop.

"Why not try and find some Sri Lankan hip hop?"

Which I have found. I could have left it there, but I didn't.

I got in touch with them to try and set up a rap battle.

But anyway,

today is all about me hanging out with Uncle Thiru,

getting to know him, having a great time. Me and Thiru - bam, bam, bam!

Romesh and Thiru on the town, proper bad boys!

Thiru apparently can't make it today.

He sent Aravinda

who smells amazing.

All right, Aravinda?

Yes, sir.

Good, legend.

My mum says, like, because I'm having this journey,

I've got to have some sort of blessing.

It's going to be a nice way to kick the whole thing off.

I think you get the blessing.

It's a big thing for you. You never experience anything like that.

In England, you have been three or four times to the temple.

-But did you understand anything?

-No.

Rubber tree, rubber tree.

Rubber tree.

Oh, right. Cool.

He's very good at just any time he spots something,

just pointing it out.

Some people might talk about the rubber tree a bit more,

but he's just, "That's rubber tree."

You know, you've got what you need out of that conversation.

Then he just carries on driving.

But I forgive him for that, because...

Well, he really does smell amazing.

-Hello.

-Hello.

I'm Romesh.

So what is this?

OK?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thanks.

OK, so this is properly,

100% my parents' culture that I'm getting here?

Yes, yes.

DRUM BEAT

SINGING

I don't think my mum fully knew what this was.

I've been to the temple with my mum.

They've never done anything like that.

You don't come out wearing that with that haircut

unless you're going to do some crazy shit.

One of the priests

looks like the Asian Oliver Hardy.

I think it's one of the weirdest nights of my life.

My mum's Hindu. My dad was Hindu.

But this isn't Hindu. I've asked the guy.

He said, "It's from India,

"and it's become merged with Sri Lankan culture,"

but it's not attached to religion,

and then when I pushed him on that, he said, "Black magic."

Then when I did the face that normal humans would do when you hear

the words, "Black magic," he went, "No, no, no, no, black magic."

So anyway, they built this, like, cage

and then Aravinda said to me, "You've got to go in there.

"And then you're not allowed to leave, once you're in there."

He starts dancing. Just starts, like, bopping around and then...

Well, you saw what fucking happened.

He comes into the cage where I'm sitting in.

I don't know how to... I'm hesitating to say it.

He fucking rubbed my head with a chicken.

PRIEST SHOUTS

Just rubbed it, like...

PRIEST SHOUTS

Just kept rubbing my head with the chicken like he was drying it.

Like he's drying my hairs

with a fucking chicken.

PRIEST ULULATES

Pulls a sword out...

PRIEST LAUGHS

But he's got no knife skills, so the blade's,

like, going right past my arm here, right past my knee here.

Just going for it.

It was mental.

If I saw that in a film, I'd go,

"That's a bit stereotypical. They're taking the piss a bit, aren't they?"

Except I saw it, mate. I lived it.

I had my head rubbed with a chicken.

PRIEST LAUGHS

PRIEST ULULATES

-Hello.

-You all right?

Oh, come in if you want. Yeah, go for it.

Don't... Don't get that. Check this out, dude.

Pretty sweet.

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

Last night was one of the most frightening

experiences I've ever had.

Like, genuinely, I don't know if that comes across,

but I found it terrifying.

It didn't seem like any religious thing I'd ever seen before,

but apparently it's what they do.

Having said all of that, we've got a wicked day ahead of us.

We're going to the elephant sanctuary.

Which I'm excited about.

I'm actually going to meet Thiru.

I just want to get to know Thiru, but also the other thing is, he

sort of knows my dad, you know, and I only saw really one side of my dad.

Cos my mum sort of tells me that my dad loved Sri Lanka.

He loved Sri Lankan culture. You know, he loved that part of his life.

I feel like there's this whole side of my dad that I don't really know,

and I'd like to hear about what my dad was like in Sri Lanka.

Cos I imagine it'd be like... Maybe like he's a different guy.

This month, my birthday.

Really?

Will you get a cake or something?

-Huh?

-Get you a cake?

No, no. I give cake.

You don't give cake, I give cake.

My birthday, I give cake.

No. Your birthday, I give cake.

No.

Me give cake.

No.

My birthday, you give cake.

Your birthday, I give cake.

No, no, no. Me give cake.

No.

I think, Mum, what I'd like to do is see the elephants.

Oh, that's a lovely idea.

You should participate in everything - cleaning and giving them

a bath and riding, yeah?

No, I don't want to ride or clean them.

-I just want to go and have a look at them. I might stroke one.

-No, no, no.

You must do that. Let me talk to Thiru. I will tell you everything.

Then you can sort it out, OK?

-I don't want to...

-Please, please, Romesh. Do that.

HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS

-Hello.

-Hi.

How are you? Romesh.

Hi, Romesh. How are you, OK?

What do I call you, Uncle?

Ah! You can call Uncle, no problem.

OK. How are you?

-I'm OK.

-How's it going?

Yeah, good. You ready to go and see the elephants?

Yeah, I'm well up for it. I'm very excited.

So how do these elephants end up here?

We have to pay the owners and we give them a better life here.

Come, we can go down.

Have you done this before?

Yeah.

And then you scrub.

-Like this?

-Yeah.

To take the mud out.

They like this, right?

Yeah, they love it.

-So, Uncle Thiru...

-Yes?

What exactly is our relation, do you know?

Your dad is my good friend.

We are business partners in Sri Lanka one time.

But we're also related as well?

Yes. Your mother's father's sister married one of my uncles.

What are we then? We're, like, cousins? Are we cousins?

-Yeah, it's complicated, you know?

-Yeah.

Now, there is a factory here.

They are doing a lot of business here. They export papers.

What papers?

They take all from the elephant a lot of poop, like, you know...

-The poop?

-Yes.

-You can buy a factory here.

-Buy a factory?

-Yes.

-What, buy an elephant dung factory?

Yeah, you can export the papers. You can make money.

I can show you, they make books and everything.

Doesn't smell.

-This is elephant dung?

-Yes.

Do you like it, interested?

Well, I don't know if I'm going to buy the factory, but...

Why is he suggesting... I never...

I didn't say that I was interested in starting up a business.

I didn't come here... I mean, that's not the point of the show.

It's not Romesh Does Dragon's Den in Sri Lanka.

Look for some clients in your country so we can...

Well, it's not really a familiar product.

No, but it is a unique product. There's a big market for this.

-Yeah, it is unique.

-Yes.

Let me collect the wheelbarrow from here,

because we're going to collect some dung and taken back to the factory.

When have you known when somebody's thinking about investing?

You say, "Well, if you will want to invest in this, you've got to go do like everything.

Do all the jobs, if you're thinking about investing." Nobody does that.

Here. Pick it with your hands.

Ah!

-Shit!

-That's it. That's it. There you go.

A few more.

-That one, mate.

-I'll do that.

That looks like it's seen an arsehole like 30 seconds ago.

-I'll do that.

-So then I'm picking up elephant shit, dropping it in elephant urine.

He's just stood... He was miles away.

What are you doing over there?

-Watching the elephant.

-Sorry, is this the first time you've seen an elephant today?

They're wandering all over the shop, mate, and now, what,

you're suddenly, "Oh, there's an elephant!"

Might as well take a gander at that while my relative that I've

just met is just picking up elephant shit with his bare hands.

You should seriously think about investing in this

and, you know, try to find some buyers and...

It's a good investment if you make money.

Yeah. No, I got that.

And it's such fun collecting the er, the shit.

-We want you to invest in this.

-No, I'll definitely think about it.

-Thank you so much.

-OK.

-I didn't wash my hands. Thank you.

-OK.

-Thank you. Thank you.

-Nice meeting you.

-Thank you. All right.

You all right?

I'm going to have a think about it.

I mean, it still smells of elephant shit. I don't... Oh!

But, on a plus note, I have actually managed...

Well, something quite exciting.

I managed to hook up this... link up with a Sri Lankan rap group.

They're bang up for it.

Like, they've done, like, a whole event.

They've even done a flyer, poster, on the poster,

I'm listed as "special Europe artist".

It smells like a burrito.

I have spoken to Thiru about this fishing thing.

Because where I was born and brought up,

and we always see these people going fishing the traditional way.

I don't like the idea of fishing. I'm a vegan.

No, I don't like it. You must do it. You must experience it. Please.

-Why?

-I've given you all of the explanation why.

But you keep on, "Why? Why?"

Don't say that! "OK, Mum, I'll do it."

Aravinda, do you like rap music?

-Rap?

-Rap. Do you like it?

What's rap? Rap music.

# You could change your pace on anyone's set

# Yeah, I head Stormzy's not that deep... #

Rap music?

# Said that is the real thing That's not weak, that's energy

# Man used the wordplay cleverly,

# In life you get friends, associates, enemies

# Dons rate the OG, I done this Big up Angel, Sneakbo, you run this

# Been my don since Roman market Riko, Gods Gift, Danny Weed, Target

# Badman chain, badman car Badman aim

# Garments, footwear too, badman lyrics and a badman tune... #

Aravinda brought me here.

We're supposed to meet Thiru but he's just text me

to say he's running late. I thought I'd just come here, have a look,

say hello to a couple of them

and go, but I feel like an ungrateful Westerner or something, d'you know

what I mean, just coming and like, it's a bit...

I have to do it. I...

As I'm finding it difficult to say what I want to do.

But I want to get this done quick time, let's do it,

and then let's head off to the rap battle.

Get in the clothes, get out into the sea.

-Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

-Catch a fish, kill the fish, get out.

There's a lot of things that you said there.

I agree with "Get out", I agree with "Get in".

Everything in between those things - go fuck yourself, mate.

-Where's Thiru?

-Eh?

-Thiru.

-Thiru!

-Eh?

Unbelievable.

-Sir! See that man?

-Yeah, I can see him.

Ah, see properly?

Do like that! You catching fish.

Stick! No putting inside.

You stick putting inside, fish no coming!

-Like this?

-No, no, no, no, no!

-Don't do that?

-Stick outside.

-Don't do that?

-Just, just...

-Ah, no catching fish!

-Don't do that?

-No coming inside!

-Don't do that? You don't want me to do this?

-Bad, bad, no!

-You don't want me to do that?

-No, no, no, no!

You don't want me to do that at all?

You know, boss, calling saying, "No coming today." You understanding?

-He's not coming?

-He is not coming.

-Why am I here, then?

-He busy. Very busy.

Can you come and get me, please?

Shit!

I think we can safely assume I'm not going to get one.

I think...I can't believe I'm the only one this hasn't become apparent to.

It's a bit of a bad ending if you don't get one, isn't it?

Bad ending would be me coming back to the beach

and then bludgeoning you to death with this.

That would be the ending. Absolute.

The truth is, I'm actually glad I didn't catch a fish, cos I don't want to catch a fish.

But I sat there and I did it, and I can go home and say, "I did it".

A few months ago, you asked me about stilt fishing and I'd never seen it.

I didn't even know what it is. Now, I can say I've done it.

That's actually quite cool.

Having said that, I was sat on a stick for four hours.

Can somebody get me down? Get me down!

You're in control.

How am I in control? I can't get down.

Show me the control. Thiru's not even bothered to turn up.

I mean, this is supposed to be a part of the thing.

Then he phones up my mum and says,

"Oh, Romesh did the thing with fishing," and my mum goes, "Oh!

"I'm so happy. I love him. He's not a coconut any more."

What doing?

-Hold on!

-Careful!

-So why did you decide to come back?

-Do you want to know the honest truth?

The honest truth is, I would have quit after half an hour.

But I didn't realise I could get down unaided.

Careful! Careful!

I could have come back three and a half hours before I did.

-Can we go and do the rap battle?

-Yeah, all right.

-OK. Let's go, then. Come on.

-Is it definitely worth me filming?

Are you...? Sorry? Will it be worth filming?

I think it would be better than four hours of a bloke on a stick, mate.

Are you joking?

You're confident it's going to be good?

I think it'll be better than that.

I'll maybe take some minutes out of the four hours I sat on a stick,

maybe remove one of the laundry collections.

Take one of those out and replace it with a rap battle.

-Hello.

-Hi, guys. Hey, man.

Hi, I'm Romesh. I know. I'm so sorry I'm late.

-Yeah, we'll take him up to the stage. You're on in ten minutes' time.

-Ten minutes?

-Yeah.

-What are we doing?

-Take the stage.

-In ten minutes?

Yeah, ten minutes' time.

-Are you ready?

-Ready.

-You're ready?

-Yeah.

I'm glad you're ready.

-Can I have 20 minutes, maybe?

-Ten minutes' time, OK?

Oh, God.

Mate, I cannot go on stage in ten minutes. Seriously.

Were you not writing anything in the car?

How can I? Aravinda was, like, singing Tamil songs all the time.

HE SINGS TAMIL SONG

That's all I've got in my head.

I can't do it in ten minutes. I cannot do it in ten minutes, so...

I'm just going to come out and go, "Yeah! Hey, ho!

"OK, I'll be the special Europe artist! I'm out."

Is that what you want? That's what's going to happen.

I went out very big.

I put my arms up and obviously that's OK when the crowd know you

and are actually excited to see you.

When you're just some nobody that's just walking onto the stage,

it actually has a very different effect.

Guys, I'm from the UK. When I say "U", you say "K".

U! U!

When I say "hip", you say "hop"! Hip!

Listen, I did some pretty corny things, like,

"When I say hip, you say hop".

That is something that I think went out in like '83, but still,

I just wanted something to get me started.

OK, can we just have a little beat, please.

But I got them into it, you know, started splitting the bars

and stuff. And, you know,

I thought I gave an all right account of myself.

# I bring the butter You know this ain't no margarine

# I'm quick to clean up the scene like my name was MC Windowlene

# I'm in your face, like the mace I'm from the canister

# My lyrics bring the pain of testicles hanging on bannisters

# When you're skipping stairs the battle just ain't fair

# You're lyrically impaired cos your knees are knocking cos you're scared

# I'm reckless I dominate this other game

# Look into your room... #

Your rap was good, but you didn't actually battle them, did you?

Well, they just seemed nice, so I didn't want to like, you know, they've invited me to their thing.

I just thought, I don't want to be disrespectful.

# What you don't know About the rap game

# Is the title of my next book

# Every time I rap You start to shudder

# What's up? # HE RAPS IN OWN LANGUAGE

Oh!

But, just before the end, one of them

sort of quite got into my face...

INDISTINCT RAPPING

..in a way that suggested he wasn't being nice about me.

He also sort of went like that in a way that I'd been doing

which made me think he was mimicking me

and that got a bigger response than anything I did.

INDISTINCT RAPPING

CHEERING

If I'm being absolutely honest,

I do actually think this week has been great,

just being in the country has been, like, really amazing,

like, I've loved it.

But it's just a shame that I didn't get to know Thiru more

because part of the thing is,

I'm supposed to be getting to know my family.

The biggest thing I've got out of this week is making friends

with Aravinda. I've made friends with Thiru's driver instead of Thiru.

Drive carefully. Good luck with the cash collection, laundry collection.

-Yes. You like?

-I loved it.

-See you.

-I bonded with him.

One week in, I already feel like,

I sort of... I feel like less of an alien in Sri Lanka,

to be honest with you.

Did you know... You know that guy you were talking about?

-The guy with the cap-baseball cap?

-Yeah.

I got someone to translate what he said.

-Do you want to know?

-Yes.

"Who told this brown white man he could rap with us?

"It's a little suspicious that you don't have kids

"after you've gotten married.

"Tell us the truth, aren't you really gay?

"He sucks all sorts of cocks."

Well, that's not true.

This is like, I would say to my mum,

I totally get why you wanted me to come and do this.

-You want it through here?

-Whoa!

-Or through your back with the hook?

I don't want to do any of it.