Uncle Ragu Asian Provocateur

Romi, I want you to visit Sri Lanka.

Would you like to do that, darling?

No.

Why not?

Sorry.

Jesus Christ.

My name's Romesh Ranganathan and I know absolutely

nothing about the culture of where my family are from.

My feet are actually burning.

I know more about Horsham.

That's sad, isn't it?

You are a Sri Lankan, but you're a coconut, isn't it?

Ow! Jesus!

'What do you mean, I'm a coconut?'

You were born and brought up in England,

so you speak English, you don't know the language.

You made me a coconut.

Oh!

Yeah, I'm sending you to Sri Lanka to learn about the religion,

the language...

Argh!

..about my relations and learn about their culture.

Shit!

My mum's put me up for doing a tour of Sri Lanka and I do want to go

and do it, but I'm not doing it cos my mum told me to,

except for the fact that my mum told me to and I am doing it.

Oh!

Oh!

Ooh!

Ow! Ah! Mate, OK, yeah, I'm done, I'm done.

You are meeting Ragu in Batticaloa...

Yeah.

..and he will take you to meet all the relations.

How do I get to Batticaloa?

Get a local bus or something.

Well, I found... This is the bus station but I don't know where...

Doesn't say where the actual ticket...you buy the tickets.

I'm excited to be here.

You know, some people might say maybe it's difficult to be

excited because you've now got to get an 11-hour bus

journey across the whole country to go to Batticaloa,

my mum's home town, and the bus hasn't been arranged

and actually it's the least convenient method of transport.

Bus to Batticaloa.

Some people might say that. Not me.

I'm bang up for it, I'm in Sri Lanka,

can't wait to get on the bus, mate.

Got a semi.

What if I get the wrong bus or something?

-You won't.

-How do you know that?

Because it's written. I mean, if you learn Tamil, then you will know.

Oh, great(!) Well, that's fine.

It's written in English, Sinhala and Tamil.

-It's in English as well?

-Yes.

I mean, what the hell does that mean?

Batticaloa.

Batticaloa. Batticaloa over here.

Thank you.

Well, we're on a bus to Batticaloa because my mum

decided it would be, like, part of the authentic experience.

Unfortunately, I brought the big suitcase, old Bertha.

It does often feel like the worst thing I could have brought,

but I've got 30 pairs of boxer shorts.

That takes up a lot of room.

Why? Are you worried about having an accident?

No. I like to do, like, a midday change.

I tell you what is nice - stick a pair of boxers in the freezer

on a hot day, slip them on -

oh!

Like bog roll in the freezer after you've had a really hot curry.

Have you done that?

-You're joking!

-No.

You must have done, everyone's done that, haven't they?

So you put toilet roll in the freezer?

Like, if I've had a real ring stinger, it's amazing.

I mean, like, you're making me

feel bad about doing something incredible.

This authentic experience, you go on the bus for 12 hours.

What's authentic? It's bullshit.

Tell you what I'm going to do, I'll put bog roll in the freezer

and then I'm going to bloody bed, mate. That's what's happening.

I'm meeting my Uncle Ragu.

My mum told me to meet him here.

My Uncle Ragu's, like, one of my dad's younger brothers

and he's just basically a legend.

He's going to sort of introduce me to some of our relatives or something.

I'm very excited about seeing Uncle Ragu, let's just say that.

Good. That's good, and talk about Buddhism,

and if you can absorb a lot of good things from him, that'll be nice.

-Well, he might...

-I'm glad that...

..he might absorb some good things from me.

Definitely, definitely, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I've got some qualities.

I'm not saying you don't have any good qualities.

-You have got lots of it.

-What in particular?

But if you lose a bit more weight, now that'll be great, OK?

Hey, Rom.

Oh, my God.

How are you, mate?

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit. Freaking hell.

You've grown, bro.

No, I haven't. How are you? You look brilliant.

-Not too bad, not too bad.

-You look like me, basically.

This is the place where it all started, you know?

Yeah.

You know, your grandma, your dad's mother,

-actually she was born in this village.

-Uh-huh.

And we are walking that village now, right?

HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

All right.

Hello.

-She's also Shanthi's auntie as well...

-Oh, OK.

..at the same time, you know?

In both ways she is related to you.

Oh, my God, yeah, you're going to have everyone hugging you

and they can see your dad...

Yeah.

-And you to come here...

-Yeah.

-..is bringing up so much memories for them, right?

-Oh, right.

Of my mother and...

Oh! Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Yeah. Thank you, thank you.

It is pretty hard to sort of handle, isn't it?

Yeah, it's a bit...

This is, like, one of the things where you can say...

I would say to my mum, "I totally get why you wanted me to come

"and do this," do you know what I mean?

The fact that I haven't connected with any of this at all,

I found it upsetting, you know?

Like, I was sort of thinking there's this whole, like, back story

here that, were it not for me coming here, I wouldn't have been aware of.

How many people here am I actually related to, do you know?

Yeah.

HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

Rom, you are surrounded by your close relatives, mate.

That's crazy.

So here, everybody gets married to their relatives, right, normally

because, like, in our culture, you could have actually married

-Shobela, for example, because...

-Right.

..you know, that's only Ranga's sister's kid.

Yeah.

I'd say one of the surprises is how close-knit the family are,

and what I mean by close-knit is, a lot of cousin-on-cousin

action going on that I wasn't aware of and, you know,

I don't know... I don't know what sort of effect that does

have on genetics, but I do have a lazy eye.

I found it pretty amazing, the whole thing, to be honest.

Yeah, yeah. It's just unbelievable.

-I'm taking you now to your cousin's house, right?

-Right.

We got to meet up with them and enjoy a nice meal with them

and spend a night, just because we're here.

We're going... No, listen. We're going, we'll have dinner,

we hang out, then we go.

-Because I'm not, I can't, I'm not staying.

-OK, come on.

(I'm not staying. I am not staying here.)

(I promise you.)

We are here.

THEY SPEAK OWN LANGUAGE

What did they say?

Yeah, she's saying that they want you to stay

and they normally sleep out here.

-What do you mean, out here?

-A nice mat.

Yeah, here, because veranda you've got the cool breeze coming through,

right here.

Now, this is the toilet.

This'll be an experience but there's nothing dirty about it.

Except I think you may...

You have to get a bit of practice sitting on it.

HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

So I was saying that you are English born and bred so nobody's fault.

So what do you think, bro?

Yeah, great. I think we need to have a... Can we have a chat?

Yeah, sure, yeah.

-I love this, this is all nice.

-Yeah, yeah.

All I'm saying is,

the prospect of staying here makes me feel uncomfortable.

I'm fighting with the fact that I don't want to be rude

to my family because I love my family versus the fact

I'm a lazy, horrible, home-comforts-wanting pig.

Let's say that your dad was with you today, all right?

Yeah.

I feel bad that your dad should have been here really with you,

but in the same token I'm here and I feel like somehow this job's

been given to me to play your dad's part in this particular instant.

But tonight, please, for my sake, Rom, just one night, brother.

I love you, all right? Just one night, please.

We don't have to sleep, we'll just sit out there and chat

-because I want to tell you some stories, right?

-OK, fine.

-About your dad. Cool, thank you very much.

-Fine, I'm in.

I do appreciate it, honestly. Thank you very much, Rom.

I'm worried about it but I'm going to do it.

I'm getting stuck in, partly because, you know,

I want to be the good person and partly because my uncle

emotionally blackmailed me into it and trapped me.

Those things working together are the reason that I'm now staying there.

Obviously, you know, if we were just staying here, that might

be something approaching OK.

But, no, he's taking me to something that he's described as a nice

surprise that involves snakes.

CROWD: Whoa! Whoa!

What's happening now?

So I brought you in here because if you've got any ailments...

Just a lazy eye.

-Just lazy eye, that's it?

-Yeah.

This will help you get well.

CROWD: Whoa!

He's taken me to see a...

I don't know how to describe it, really.

It's snake man.

Apparently he's possessed by a snake god and then blesses people...

HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

..and they, like, give him their problems and stuff

and he sort of solves them.

Yeah, he's saying, "Is it true that you have some body pain

"and you can feel some pain and that,

"you know, is that true?"

Yeah, sometimes, yeah.

Yeah.

And you went in there trying to cure your eye defect.

I never said eye defect.

You feel pressure, actually, because, like... But there's

part of me thinking, "What if this guy can solve anything?"

And then you start thinking, "What if I asked for the wrong thing?"

Then I started thinking,

"I don't really want my lazy eye gone, it doesn't really bother me."

If anything, it'll make merchandising easier in the future.

I imagine that it would be easy for people to watch that guy

and think it's so ridiculous that

he's pretending to be something that he's not.

Even if he was... Let's hypothesise that he is a fake

and he's just putting it on, he's making people feel better.

It's no different to what people in the West do.

You know, Iggy Azalea, for example,

is she doing anything different to the snake dude?

I would argue not.

She's an Australian white woman, who every so often,

when she's in a recording studio, gets possessed by a black woman

from the south and starts talking like that.

You know, is that any different? I don't think it is.

How you feeling this morning, mate?

-How do I feel?

-Yeah.

Like shit, mate. Stir-fried shit.

I feel dreadful.

Like, really dreadful.

To the point where...

You know, I know I moan a lot, I'm fully aware of that,

but this, actually, I don't know if I can actually do it.

-You need to make this pilgrimage?

-Yeah. Pada Yatra.

-What is it?

-It's a spiritual thing.

People start walking for a long distance,

but I want you to do that as well.

How long's it last?

Depends on how fast these people walk,

but it might last so many days.

Like, how many days?

Sometimes a month, two months, darling.

Two months?!

Depends on how far the temple is.

What is this? What is going on here?

-Yeah, you have to carry that.

-Why?

Because it's part of the, you know, the ceremony.

What is in there? Is this tradition, 7 Up?

Yeah. Use that bottle. I think it's water.

So we're going to walk to Kataragama from here...

-How far is it?

-200km, that's all.

I just don't understand how you swung it

so that you get the spear and I'm carrying a bag of coconuts and...

I was just... Because maybe because I'm old, then.

Don't come to me for water, by the way.

You just nourish yourself with that spear.

If you get thirsty, let's see how that works out for you.

Well, by the way, that's not for you to drink either.

-What?!

-Yeah.

Let's go.

This isn't for me to drink?

You can't drink that, because we are taking you to the temple,

to Kataragama all the way,

and then that will be part of the offering.

So why do people do this pilgrimage?

It's a... I mean, like, why you become vegan?

Why you are a vegetarian?

Tell me the reason, then I will...

I'll be able to answer your question.

The answer is not going to be because I like walking long distances...

It's nothing to do with walking. Why you become a vegan?

Cos I don't want to eat animals.

So maybe those people who does it, they have got reason.

Everyone have a different reason.

-That's not an explanation.

-It is an explanation, dear!

Ah.

How you feeling, Rom?

I don't feel good, mate.

This road is burning my feet and this thing's so heavy on my head.

It's just insanity.

Jesus. Argh.

I don't know how bloody Leatherfoot is doing it.

Mate, I can't do this, seriously. I mean, this is so hot.

The road is melting.

We'll try and walk on the side.

My feet look like a Freddy Krueger.

Er, I don't see it.

One other thing is, I think my knee's, like, gone a bit.

Already?

Don't you remember yesterday, when we were at the snake guy?

-And he said, "Do you have some body pains?"

-Yeah.

-And I said, "Sometimes"?

-Yeah.

Now is one of those times.

My knee's starting to hurt a little bit. Just a little bit.

Yeah? Let's see how we go.

OK, thanks. Hello.

All right.

All right, coming, coming.

Oh, man.

Ow!

Can I stop? I need to stop.

Sorry.

Listen, Rags, we've done quite a long way, haven't we?

Yeah. 3km.

-Yeah.

-I've got a bad leg injury.

-OK?

-Yeah.

-And it's getting worse.

-Yeah.

-My feet have got blisters.

-Yeah.

I'm just going to show you something.

Oh, come on.

We are going to Kataragama, mate, not to a bloody poolside bar.

Do you know where that is? Do you know where that is?

-No.

-Kataragama.

I've booked it for tonight.

And you don't care about those people in front?

I don't... It's not that I don't care about those people,

but we're slowing them down.

We get in the van, head to Kataragama, we're there early.

Yeah.

We go and do another cultural thing,

whatever your choice is, plus we stay at that hotel.

-Mmm. I understand.

-Aren't you in pain?

-Yeah, I am in pain too.

-See?

But my feet are in blisters but...

Yeah, exactly. The truth is, them not having us

is a better thing for them.

It's a better thing for them, it's a better thing for us.

It's great.

Hi, Mum, it's Rom. Just calling to check in, really.

I'm doing a pilgrimage.

It's quite hard, my feet are burning and stuff,

but I'm sort of struggling on.

Rags is... I think he's... To be honest with you, I think

he's struggling a bit cos he keeps moaning about his leg

or whatever, so I think he wants to sort of, like, pull out of it

or whatever or just sort of quit early.

It might be just out of respect for him that we...drop out of it.

I'm trying to sort of just gee his spirits up really,

so I'll let you know how it goes.

All right, Mum, love you. I hope you're proud of me.

Thank you, bye.

My uncle, he sort of thinks that, you know,

part of my journey to becoming a better Sri Lankan is to get

more au fait and comfortable with wildlife and nature.

I have painted myself into a corner by saying that I would do whatever

he suggested I do in exchange for going to the luxury hotel.

-Hello.

-Hi, Romesh.

-Are you Anslem?

-Yeah.

So he's arranged for me to meet this guy, Anslem, who's

apparently like a nature expert, and in particular crocodiles and I

think snakes and all sorts of shit, whatever you sort of get out here.

-We have two species of crocodile in the country...

-Right.

..the saltwater and the freshwater. Freshwater is called muggers.

And are muggers dangerous?

Yeah. I mean, they attack humans.

So shouldn't we get in a vehicle? Where's your car?

We'll be walking.

Are there any snakes around here?

Yeah, we got a lot of snakes.

We have one of the highest incidents of snake-bite deaths in the world.

Are there any round here?

Yeah, there are, but I have a very sharp eye for them

and that's why I always carry a snake stick.

Anslem, he's a very nice guy, sort of looks like Papa Smurf.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you OK?

We went into one area where he thought there might be crocodiles.

First thing he does, falls flat on his arse.

-Are you all right?

-Yep. Can you give me a hand?

Yep. Oh, yeah.

That's the guide, right? I mean, I helped him up.

If we were being chased by a crocodile and he fell

over like that - "See you later, Anslem." I'm out of there, mate.

Are we safe here?

You're hesitating.

I think I am safe.

YOU? I'm talking about both of us.

-Are there actually crocodiles in this water?

-Yeah.

What is going on now?

We are going to call him.

-CALL him?

-Yeah.

I'm out of here, mate. Are you throwing chicken in the water?

Yeah.

If people don't know that there's crocodiles here, it just

looks like some nutters are throwing chicken in the river.

Well, I haven't actually seen a crocodile.

It's exciting if there are actually crocodiles here.

-Anything?

-Nothing.

'I'm not saying it's a con.'

What I'm saying is, I'm starting to get suspicious

and I'm starting to wonder if Rags just wanted me

out of the hotel for the day.

Right.

-So you're going to hang chicken from the branch?

-Yeah.

-Has that worked before?

-Yeah.

-So do we just wait now, yeah?

-Yeah.

'They're so calm about the fact this won't work

'that they're having a bath downstream of it.'

Look there at the mugger. Mugger, mugger, mugger!

-Mugger, mugger.

-(Oi, look, look, look!)

Holy shit!

(He's gone, he's gone, he's gone.)

Admittedly, at the end of it,

yeah, he was for real.

He did know crocodiles.

The thing with the crocodiles is, you sort of see the crocodile

and it's very exciting, but then you think,

"Is it going to do anything else?"

(It's not moving.)

You know, it's quite a sad sight,

just seeing the crocodile sitting there,

then hearing the splash, splash, splash

of a half-eaten chicken bone dipping in and out of the water.

(Do you think he's still coming?

(Cos I think he might have gone.)

How long do you have to be dipping that in before you start thinking,

"Do you know what? I think maybe we should have got lamb"?

-(Are we going?

-Yeah, we'll go.)

TWIGS SNAP, ROMESH GASPS

-Ah, Rom, you're back.

-Yeah.

How did it go, mate?

We basically spent three hours with some chicken on a string,

trying to fish for crocodiles.

But did you have a good time, though, Rom?

Yeah, I felt at one with nature, so thank you.

-OK, cool.

-Well, anyway, goodnight.

-OK. Goodnight, Rom.

Hey, take your hand off!

It's the actual big deal, big thing.

We're here at Kataragama, so I'm just going to take photos of me,

like, Usain Bolting it across the finishing line,

like we've done the pilgrimage or whatever, do you know what I mean?

So I can send the photos to my mum.

Yes! We've done it.

Whoo! Whoo!

Wow!

Oh, man!

-Can you feel it?

-Yes.

-Can you feel the buzz?

-I can, yes.

Oh, man. Whoo!

We did it, toughed it out.

He had a few knee problems, but we still struggled through, man,

do you know what I mean? And we did it.

-Whoo!

-Well done.

-Whoo! I need to calm down, man.

I'm just like, "Wow, I did it."

I feel like I could do it again, mate, do you know what I mean? Whoo!

-I don't understand why you're doing this bit.

-Huh?

Your mum is going to know you haven't done it,

because it's going to be on television.

I really want you to go to Kataragama.

I never had the opportunity to go.

What exactly is Kataragama?

It's a very, very holy temple.

If somebody's ill, they will say,

"If I get better, I'll walk to your temple."

Some of them, they're burning fire

and they will walk on it...

with bare foot. Another thing is, you will see other people,

they put some...like a needle through their cheeks

and it'll come out of the other side.

-And they'll carry the kavadi...

-Yeah.

..and dance like that, for the holy music and things.

I'm just a bit nervous about getting involved in any of the displays.

Romi, it's how you feel, darling. I am not forcing you.

-But I will be happy if you do one of the things, yeah.

-That is... OK.

If I stab myself through the face,

would that make you happy? Is that what you're saying?

It won't make me happy.

-Cos if I sent you a photo...?

-Yeah.

I don't think it's a funny thing to do.

It's a holy thing. You mustn't do this. No.

-But if I just was serious?

-Yeah, serious, yeah.

-Yeah, OK.

-OK?

CHANTING

-Is it, like, party time, or what?

-Yeah, it is.

So what is going on here, Rags?

We are here to do the ceremonial activities.

We have to do the ceremony properly because your mum asked me

-to take you on a 200k walk, you know what I mean?

-Yeah, yeah.

Yeah? I failed on that, as your uncle.

She's not going to like it, but this time,

at least let's do everything right. That's all I ask you, man.

-She doesn't need to know that we failed, does she?

-That's right.

-We did the celebration.

-But can we do this properly?

-OK, fine.

-OK?

Everything I'll ask of you, or what you are supposed to do,

-we're going to have to do.

-But you're not going to put me

-in any danger, are you?

-No, no, no.

I wouldn't do that to you. You're my nephew, mate.

TRADITIONAL MUSIC PLAYS

-So they're going to actually put these through.

-Put what through?

Get, you know...the spear thing, because it's just a sacrifice you do

for the gods here, so nothing's going to happen.

-They're going to put that through...

-It's going through the cheek.

-Through his cheeks?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-OK.

TRADITIONAL MUSIC PLAYS

You OK?

You OK?

How are you feeling?

I'm really... Genuinely, like, I really feel sick.

MUSIC QUICKENS

-Romesh?

-Yeah?

-You come specially for this festival...

-Yeah.

-..to see this and...

-Yeah.

..so part of the deal is that you also get this done, right?

So are you ready for that?

-No, I can't.

-No, it doesn't hurt.

-I can't, I can't.

-Come on, Rom.

So what are you going to do?

-What do you mean?

-You've got to get something done, right?

-Like what?

-What do you want? Do you want it through here?

-What?

-Or through your back with a hook?

-I don't want to do any of it.

-Well, just do a pierce through here.

-Not with that.

-So it's like... Yeah, yeah.

I can't do that.

No, I can't. I can't.

-You know what?

-What?

It doesn't look like you're going to do anything, is it?

-OK, fine, fine.

-OK, right, let's go.

MAN SHOUTS, MUSIC STARTS

MUSIC STOPS

CROWD GASPS

MUSIC STARTS

Good on you.

'I was loving it.'

It's wicked! I, like, got into it.

How would you sum up your spiritual journey, then?

Going to see my family and everything was amazing.

The pilgrimage and the whole idea of sacrifice

I didn't sort of understand.

But, doing that, when they put it through the ear

and then I joined in with the dance,

you actually feel, like, a bit of euphoria.

'Admittedly, this doesn't look that impressive

'and also it's a bigger health and safety hazard,

'because you've got a loose spear in your ear.

'Whereas at least if you go through the mouth,

'it's secure, do you know what I mean?'

What would your mum say?

She'd say, "Why didn't you put it through your face?"

-THEY LAUGH

-'Mothers want their sons'

to be healthy...

Go, go, go, go.

..and fit enough to fight with anybody.

Oh!

I don't want you filming around my arsehole, I don't want you in the

vicinity of my arsehole, I don't even want you thinking about my arsehole.