Uncle Rubaharan Asian Provocateur

This programme contains some strong language

-Romi, I want you to visit Sri Lanka. Would you like that?

-No.

-Why not?

Sorry.

Jesus Christ!

My name is Romesh Ranganathan,

and I know absolutely nothing about the culture of

where my family are from.

My feet are actually burning.

I know more about Horsham.

That's sad, isn't it?

You are Sri Lankan, but you're a coconut, isn't it?

Wow! Jesus...!

What do you mean I'm a coconut?

You're born and brought up in England so you speak English,

-you don't know the language.

-You MADE me a coconut.

Yeah, I'm sending you to Sri Lanka to learn about the religion,

the language,

about my relations,

and learn about their culture.

Shit!

My mum's putting me up to do a tour of Sri Lanka

and I do want to go and do it,

but I'm not doing it because my mum's told me to

except for the fact that my mum told me to and I am doing it.

Oh! Ow! Argh! Urgh!

Mate, OK, I'm done, I'm done.

I heard about this traditional martial art in Sri Lanka.

-It's called Angampora.

-Yeah.

And I want you to participate in that, as well, please.

-Shall we be honest?

-Yeah.

The real reason you're doing this is not for me to get in touch

with the culture of the thing.

This is part of your ongoing agenda to make me lose weight.

You're pretending it's a cultural thing. You're constantly banging on.

MIMICS: "You've got a belly. You look horrible.

"Sometimes when you go out, I don't like how you look in the shirt."

-The reason you're sending me to martial arts...

-To get you fit.

-Yeah!

Anyway, my cousin will be with you - Rubaharan.

What exactly is your relation to "Ruby-Ruby"?

He's my mother's older brother's son.

-Hello.

-Hello.

You are Romesh!

Yeah. Rubaharan.

-Hello.

-Hello. How're you doing?

How's it going? You are...

My father's sister's daughter... No, son.

So you're my uncle.

Yeah, yeah, uncle, uncle.

-So what are we doing today?

-Angampora.

-Is that martial arts?

-Yes.

I've got mixed feelings about this.

I'm excited about it in terms of martial arts are exciting,

and something I was always into.

I used to do judo,

and I was the fattest kid in the whole of the judo class.

The second fattest was this blond kid

and they called us Coffee and Cream

and made us spar together.

Because we were the only ones that could support each other's weight.

I mean, like, I lost a bit of weight but I still...

My weight oscillates.

I'm like the Asian Luther Vandross, do you know what I mean?

Romesh. Are you the top guy?

I am Angampora martial art master, Guru Nansay.

Romesh, your Angampora costume.

I've got to wear that?

Right.

Oh, hello!

-Remove it?

-Yeah, remove it.

You've got your T-shirt on, though.

Whoa...!

Tighter?

Thank you.

You've got gentle hands.

Come. This is our training centre.

CLANGS AND SHOUTS

Can I ask you a question?

Do you eat special food?

-Vegetarian.

-Vegetarian.

-I'm vegetarian, too.

-Oh, really?!

Vegetarian...!

-HE CHUCKLES

-This...

Fat belly.

You try exercises.

First exercises like this.

Come on, come on, come on!

ROMESH GROANS

Last three - up!

You keep increasing the number.

Eight. Watch.

ARGH!

HE CRIES OUT REPEATEDLY

Oh, my...!

I don't know why my mum thought this was a fair thing to do to me.

OK, thank you. Thank you.

What's next?

It didn't look good, did it?

It looked terrible.

Quickly!

-Go back now, Romesh.

-Fuck you, mate.

Fine, it was an insult to the whole martial art.

Fine, I looked absolutely disgusting

and you probably can't show this at dinner time.

I accept all of those things,

but I was trying my hardest.

If they've got a T-shirt that said

"I Had A Go At Angampora And Failed,"

get me the T-shirt, mate.

PANTS NOISILY

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I genuinely feel no satisfaction whatsoever.

So I think what they want to do now

is put all of that together.

When you say put it all together, what do you mean?

Well, they want you to fight.

How old is he?

Er... 14.

Is he going to kill me?

Go. Attack.

Romesh, attack.

-Come on, fight.

-This is crazy.

-Fight, fight.

I was just basically in a lose-lose situation

where, you know, if I spark out a 14-year-old...

Well, the whole day's ruined, isn't it? For everyone.

Attack. Romesh, attack.

Nobody'd go, "See the way Rom knocked out that 14-year-old? It was amazing!"

Just, "Do you see the way that prick knocked out that 14-year-old?! Should be arrested."

-And punch, kick...

-I can't attack.

-Attack, go.

And then if I lose, people'll just go,

"You got knocked out by a 14-year-old."

Got him.

As it happened, I didn't need to worry about me sparking him out,

because the little kid's like a ninja.

Thank... I'm fine, thank you.

Argh! ARGH! Ow!

UNCLE SHOUTS Don't distract me!

PAINED SHOUTS REPEATEDLY

I was thinking I'd just pick him up and throw him in a pit, or something,

or just break his neck, or something,

but I just couldn't get near the kid.

Son of a bitch!

His limbs are made of...granite.

Oi... Shit!

Arhh!

That kid, at home, must do whatever he wants cos if you gave him a clip

around the ear, he'd beat the shit out of you.

Ow! Shit, no. Arrgh!

Having said that, on the positive side, I'm impressed

that there's a Sri Lankan martial art, and I think it's really good.

And I think Guru Nansay is amazing.

But, everything else about today has been just been...

Just a repeated kick to my balls.

Argh!

ARGH! Mate, OK.

I'm done, I'm done!

Go on, don't give up!

Get away from me, man.

Been nice spending time with your uncle, who you haven't seen.

I just think he might be a bit disappointed. Did I do well?

Yeah, did.

Could you see my butt crack the whole time? Can you see my bum?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, mate!

I am worried because Dad had a heart attack -

sudden attack - and he's gone within a day.

So, I mean, I'll be honest with you,

so I want my both sons to be healthy and fit.

You can't use the Dad thing as a...

I know Dad passed away because of that,

but you can't just use that.

That's not the issue here.

You're not worried about my heart. You think I look horrible.

Romesh, I never, never worry about how you look.

I only sometimes mention about your weight.

You mention about my weight,

you mention about my hair,

you mention about my beard...

The beard, I don't like it.

Why can't I tell the truth?

I don't like it, Rom. It's like a fungus on your face.

It's not like a fungus.

It is.

I am proud of you, but now it's like a big bush sitting there.

I can't see your face.

At all.

Only this black thing that I see. Sitting there.

Are you talking about the beard?

My uncle wants me to get hold of some traditional treatments

to help me lose weight, which

I'm not massively excited about, but, to be honest, anything's better

than getting involved in genuine physical exercise.

Come out looking like a pair of legends, innit?

Yeah, see. He's bang up for it.

I want one of those things where he goes,

"Oh, do you know your belly? I go, "Yeah."

"It's because of your posture.

"Let me just crack your back a little bit." CRRK!

And then suddenly it all goes "zzzt" and I've got abs or something.

That would be amazing.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Doctor Jalfa.

-Jalfa.

-Yes.

-Hello. Nice to meet you.

Same to you.

You kindly, if you have any diseases, you tick, OK?

-OK.

-Colic, abdominal pain, distension.

-What's distension?

-Distension...

-The big bel...

-Big belly?

-I do have a big belly.

-Yeah, yeah.

You have.

Overweight. What do you think?

Yeah, yeah, so... It's very main problem, you have.

-Very big problem?

-Yes!

-Now, the cleaning.

-What do you mean cleaning?

Clearing the stomach. Insert some herbal decoction with the oil.

Insert it where?

Yeah, in the... Enema, enema.

-So you're going to put something in my...

-Yeah, in the anus region.

-Anus region?

-Yeah, anus region.

And you're going to put some herbal concoction into my anus?

In the anus, yeah.

-And then I sit there for half an hour...

-Half an hour you...

-..and then herbs come out of my anus.

-Herbs come out to the outside.

I thought I was coming here for a massage,

but now he's talking about giving me an enema.

It's not what I signed up for.

Obviously, I was polite to him,

because I don't want to be rude to the guy

and you're in the pressure of the situation, but that's not...

I didn't come to have, like, oil put up my arse.

I didn't realise I was getting basted.

I'll tell you what,

we'll just set the cameras up, we'll film, see what happens.

No, I don't want you filming around my arsehole.

I don't want you in the vicinity of my arsehole.

I don't even want you thinking about my arsehole, OK?

That's it. You are not filming it.

What kind of show is this?

-The viewers...

-It's not journey into Romesh's arsehole, is it?

It's not Romesh's Ring Piece Explored, is it?

If there's somebody watching this

and the deal-breaker for them is getting a shot of me

having some oil stuff up my arse,

I don't want them watching.

That's not the show we're making.

I'll do it... No filming.

And I think it's massive that I'm doing it.

Why are you doing it?

Well, I might like it.

Is this going to hurt?

Can I see how much you're planning on inserting?

You're putting all of that in?!

Ho-ly shit, mate!

MUSIC: STRAUSS WALTZ

OCCASIONAL YELPS AND GURGLES

Oh, mate, that is so weird!

Not good, man.

You relax, OK?

That's horrible.

Ruba, I didn't think this was what we'd be doing together.

Perfect, done.

OK, thank you. You've been great. Thanks.

How suddenly will the need to go to the toilet come?

Will it just come like that?

Suddenly, I'll just need to go like - boom.

Please find a toilet.

Where can I go? Oh, mate, this is horrible.

I do really genuinely have oil in my arse.

Oh, mate.

There's no toilet roll.

There's nothing.

Cheers, mate. Here?

-In here?

-Toilet.

Get out. See you later.

-Bye.

-You want...?

Brilliant. Thanks, Rubes. You're a legend.

Oh, Christ!

Ohhh...

This is like a horror film, mate.

(Oh, my God!)

-Ruba.

-Yes.

Can you see if there's more tissue?

Yes.

Thank you. Love you.

Romesh?

Yeah, I'm done.

Motion is going...?

Yeah.

It's gone.

Now, it's OK?

No.

I'm all right.

What happened in there I don't want to talk about again.

It's one of the worst experiences I've ever had,

and it doesn't even feel like it's finished.

It feels like they've flicked a switch in my body that says,

"Can shit at any time".

Because that's what I feel like.

I feel like I'm never, ever going to experience "not needing a crap"

for the rest of my life.

That's what I feel like right now.

And thank goodness, my uncle

who I haven't seen for years and years and years,

was on hand to listen to me in the toilet.

-Disgusting, right?

-Yeah, yeah.

I'm done, mate. I'm out. Goodbye.

Rubes, let's roll.

Let's go, man.

That was horrible.

No problem.

Thank you for looking after me.

When you are in Sri Lanka,

you're going to visit Kalmunai where I was born and brought up.

Rubaharan is going to introduce my cousin,

my side of the family.

Her name is Udaya.

Oh, hello. I remember you.

Hi, I'm Romesh.

-Varuni.

-Varuni, hello.

-This is your mother.

-That's my mum.

-Mm.

-And were you very close?

-I am only daughter.

She also only daughter.

They both are really close.

So you're like sisters.

Your mum's wedding photo.

That's the wedding photo.

Wedding photo.

When Mum came back last time

was she different from when she was in Sri Lanka?

-More beautiful.

-More beautiful!

THEY CHUCKLE

I won't tell her that.

Smart and pretty.

Smart and pretty.

Smart and pretty.

Here in Sri Lankan tradition,

they marry cousins,

-so I think he had a crush on her.

-Really?

There's a whole side of my mum's life that I don't know.

You know, I know English Mum, if you see what I mean,

I don't know Sri Lankan Mum. Do you know what I mean?

And this was so much of a formative part of her life,

and I didn't know anything about it.

When my mum heard that you got married to a white girl...

Was she disappointed?

-Er, yes.

-MOTHER LAUGHS

Can you tell your mum, I had no choice.

This woman just kept chasing me and chasing me,

and in England I am very attractive.

-Oh, really?

-And so...

With your big belly and your beard.

Medium belly.

Medium! See?

Yeah, medium.

But compared to him, you have a big belly.

Yeah, but he's like a freak.

It's been really good. It's been really good to chat to them.

There's been a few harsh comments. They're obviously disappointed with how I look.

I'm always complaining to my mum about how she's so upfront about it

and just so brutal and now, I sort of think,

well, everyone's like that here, do you know what I mean?

I have 20 years same weight.

Really?

I can't keep the same weight for 20 minutes.

45kg.

45kg?!

-You're not 45kg.

-Yeah.

I'm 95.

My God!

Your wife's cooking is not good.

THEY LAUGH

My cousin lives right next door to my dowry house.

My mum gave it to me.

So what's going on there?

They're some religious group. I have rented it.

I don't know much about them.

You never told me people are living there. What's the rental agreement?

It's 1,000 rupees. How much is it?

I don't know the exchange rate, so I don't know what...

For a pound it's I think 200 rupees.

-So £5.

-A month.

-£5?!

-£5, yeah.

Are you...?

I think we need to increase the rent.

Because it's a religious group

I don't want to be disrespectful,

-but I'm going to go in with a high figure.

-Don't be so rude to them.

I won't be rude. I'm going in, "Negotiate or out."

OK.

I am going to sort this rent situation out,

but my main motivation is just to get out of some of the exercises

that my mum's lined up for me.

It is here, your mum's house.

Your mother has rented the house for a meditation centre.

Hello.

-I'm Romesh.

-Yes.

They are sisters who run the house, currently.

Hello, I'm Romesh.

-So you don't live here, no?

-No.

-Where do you live?

-My house.

OK.

Well, the reason I wanted to come and talk to you guys

is I wanted to talk to you about the rent.

It's a very old house,

so there are lots to repair.

-To repair?

-Yeah.

You see the cracks?

When it rains, it leaks.

-Can you not just put a bucket here?

-No.

If you touch it, it will fall.

-Somebody could knock on this door, and it would fall down?

-It might.

This is worse than I thought.

-See this crack?

-Oh, I see.

Comes right through to the other side.

I've been given a right punch in the face.

I thought I was coming to talk about rent, and they didn't want to talk about rent.

They wanted to talk about their rental agreement being breached

by the fact that their house is in disrepair!

Here's the kitchen.

-Nice?

-It's dangerous when you open and close the door.

Just leave it open, then.

You can see the roof.

-It was damaged.

-Crack here.

MATERIAL HITS THE GROUND Oh!

I've sort of been manoeuvred into a position

where I don't know what the hell to do.

I mean, I think I might have to do these repairs!

Well, look, thank you very much.

The thing is, I thought, maybe,

when my mum first told me a fiver a month,

I thought, well, maybe, actually,

in Sri Lankan terms, that's actually quite a bit of money,

but I've been out for a while

and it isn't a lot of money.

What I'm thinking is, this is the deal I'm thinking of offering -

I will sort out these issues

if you start paying five times the amount of rent.

It's the principle of it.

I feel like my mum's being conned... but they're nuns!

Well, first of all, thank you very much for showing me round.

I really appreciate it.

We can get all of the work done, but the rent is 1,000 a month.

If it's possible

that...er...

we could increase the rent to something more like

5,000 a month.

THEY SPEAK IN OWN LANGUAGE

No, they feel 5,000 rent is...

-Too much.

-Too much.

They're so nice, aren't they?

And they do that and then the translation just kicks you in the bollocks.

They don't want to raise the rent.

The rent is not increasing,

so I've got that half in the bag.

-And they'd like it if I did the repairs.

-Yes.

OK.

And the other half that I've managed to nail is that we are doing the work.

They feel if you do the repairs

then it will be good, because otherwise it will be unfair.

The rent is not going to...

Please reassure them it's not going to go up.

What I'm doing is, instead of getting my mum more money,

I've come out here and the result of my visit is

we're actually losing money.

They've basically nunned the shit out of me. That's what's happened here!

Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Basically, this situation would've been a lot better

if I'd have made no intervention whatsoever.

Yesterday was a complete waste of time.

So, today, well, first of all I've got to say goodbye

to my Uncle Rubaharan.

-Thanks for everything.

-OK.

I really enjoyed the enema.

You touched me so gently.

Then my mum's got this one last idea for me to lose weight.

Which is me spending some time with, like, an indigenous tribe.

You're going to see the Veddas.

What is Veddas?

Veddas, they live in the jungle and they have a very simple life.

Our ancestors, they used to live like that.

You can watch them and you live on fruits.

There are so many berries and things like that.

Will they tell me which berries to eat?

Of course, some of them are poison.

Do they speak English?

If you're lucky, one or two might speak English.

-And if not...

-If not, use sign language.

-Show me the sign for, "Is this a poisonous berry?"

-I don't know.

Show me the sign now for, "Is this a poisonous berry?"

Like that.

THEY LAUGH

-Well, it's funny, isn't it(?)

-What?

-That I might die.

-Your mother will be sad if you die, but...

-Thank you.

-Part of me will think, "What a stupid son I had.

"He didn't ask any questions."

Mum, why am I going?

To see how these people survive.

I'm here at the Vedda village and I'm going in open

but scared of all of the things that today's going to hold.

I'm looking forward to seeing the tribe.

I have my concerns about it.

I have my concerns about my own safety.

I have my concerns about my own dignity, but to be honest with you,

it sounds like by signing up for this show in the first place...

I don't recall where in the contract it said,

"Remember that your integrity is now just a memory,"

but apparently that's what's happened here.

I'll just strip off, dance around like a prick.

That seems to be... the modus operandi.

-Hello. I'm Romesh.

-I'm Villemora.

-Villemora.

-Villemora.

-Villemora.

I'm not actually sure what's going to happen next

but apparently I've got to, before I do anything else, meet the chief.

What are we going to be doing today?

Bow and arrow.

Fire. All right.

I am...allergic to bees. Like, if a bee stings me, I get sick.

Is it dangerous for me?

No, no, I don't want to eat any honey.

But bee... I get scared.

Right, let's go.

Ow!

Be careful where you're treading, Romesh.

What now?

Whoa!

Ow! Jesus!

OK, what's next?

I'll try. Listen, I'll try. Yeah?

Yeah?

'Doing archery for your first time, it's difficult enough as it is.'

Doing it without your glasses on... it was just a lottery.

Hey!

Who knows what I would have done if I'd have had my glasses on.

I probably would have split the tree in two.

How do you feel about that? Was that a genuine experience for you?

'It was like a survival course in the woods.'

It was good fun, but let's be honest, this is a tourist experience

and I've basically got the super deal, haven't I?

-You're happy.

-Happy, very happy, yeah.

I'm being facetious, but I do respect it.

They're keeping the traditions alive.

I like them. They're all nice guys.

If we spoke the same language, you can imagine hanging out.

But, anyway, I think my main priority is to get the hell out of here.

I've got them some presents as a little thank you for having me.

I think just hand out the presents, say goodbye,

because, I don't care what my mum says, me

going into anaphylactic shock is not a great way for me to lose weight.

Lemon puffs? Chocolate creams?

You guys like football?

Oh, I can't go. That's why I got you the presents,

to say thank you. I've got to go.

OK, lead the way, then. After you.

Oh, shit!

Romesh, do you think you should go if you've got an allergy to bees?

No, I don't, but, I mean, what can I do?

I don't want to offend them.

I tried to get out of it. Where are the bees?

Bees?

Hold on one minute.

Right, you've got to get me out of this.

-Are they still there?

-Yeah, he's there, he's waiting for me.

Why don't you just be honest with him and say, "I can't do it"?

OK.

We're running out of time. I've got to go.

No, no, we have to go. We've run out of time.

What did he say?

I know, but I've got to go.

Can you tell him I'm really sorry but I've got to go?

Come, come.

Fuck this!

Look, I know running away wasn't the most sensible thing to do,

but I really didn't want to get stung and they were being

so persistent and I thought, "Actually, if I run away

"and manage to evade them, actually shows I'm in pretty good shape."

Unfortunately, as it turns out, they were very fast.

He's quick.

But the lesson to be learned from today, really...

don't try and outrun a hunter if you're an overweight...prick.

What jobs could you do in Sri Lanka, that you couldn't do here?

Good evening, room service. I'm off duty, sorry.

L-L-Cool-J.

You're going to meet your cousin called Krishna.

I don't expect this from you. Not from you!

Don't get angry.

'I'm not getting angry!'