Cousin Krishna Asian Provocateur

Romi, I want you to visit Sri Lanka.

-Would you like to do that, darling?

-No.

-Why not?

This programme contains some strong language.

Jesus Christ!

My name's Romesh Ranganathan and I know absolutely nothing

about the culture of where my family are from.

My feet are actually burning.

I know more about Horsham.

That's sad, isn't it?

You are a Sri Lankan, but you're a coconut, isn't it?

Ow! Jesus!

-What do you mean I'm a coconut?

-You were born and brought up in England so you speak English.

-You don't know the language.

-You made me a coconut.

Yeah, I'm sending you to Sri Lanka to learn about the religion,

the language,

about my relations and learn about their culture.

Shit!

My mum's putting me up to do a tour of Sri Lanka and I do want to

go and do it, but I'm not doing it because my mum's telling me

to except for the fact that my mum told me to and I am doing it.

Pow! Ow!

Ooh! Argh!

Ow! Mate, OK, I'm done, I'm done.

We are in Jaffna, where my dad grew up.

I know that this is a war-torn area but you know,

I don't know the history of it necessarily.

My concern is I'm not informed enough to be an authority figure on it.

So I feel that pressure in terms of...this show is shining a light on that.

Unfortunately, the person holding a torch is a moron.

When you go to Jaffna, you are going to meet your cousin called Krishna.

He's 12 and he teaches English in his spare time.

-He teaches English in his spare time?

-Time, yeah.

-What 12-year-old teaches in his spare time?

-Why don't you ask him when you meet him?

-I would probably advise him not to do that any more.

-Why?

Well, I just think a 12-year-old should have better hobbies than that.

Well, this is where I'm going to meet Krishna.

He and I are going to go and teach a class of kids.

What have you prepared for it?

You know, the filming schedule doesn't allow for a lot of preparation

but what I have got is eight years in the field, teaching... maths...

..to kids in Crawley.

Hey, Krishna.

-Hi, Romeshana.

-How you doing? You all right? Nice to meet you.

I'm fine. So, you're late, I think, isn't it?

Yeah, I am late, yeah.

I saw a lot of your shows which were really funny.

Thank you.

Yeah. I think you're going to be famous one day.

-Thanks.

-Yeah.

Your English is very good.

I can speak six languages.

How many can you speak?

Er...

Well, I'm working on the first one, to be honest with you.

Today we have a new teacher.

Right, Romesh?

Just for today.

Do you speak English?

Great, great. OK.

So what I'm going to do is I'm going to shout out some numbers, right?

If the number is one of the answers in the two-times table,

I want you to put your left arm in the air.

So if I say six, everybody puts their...

-Left arm.

-Left arm, yeah?

If he tells the two-times table, any number from two-times table,

you must put your left hand up.

He's a smart cookie, isn't he?

He likes to tell you what you're doing wrong

but not in a horrible way, in sort of a...

he's just very honest. But I find it endearing. You know?

I sort of...I do like him.

Six, four, six, four, ten.

I could've done a whole maths lesson

but what I wanted to do was do something different.

I took a risk.

I'm going to try and teach you a rap song now, OK?

Has anyone heard of LL Cool J?

LL Cool J.

OK. So can you stand up, please?

OK. So I'm going to say it how you say it and then you repeat after me, OK?

All right? "Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years",

OK? You guys try it now. Ready? Go.

-ACROSS EACH OTHER:

-Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years.

OK. This is going to be bad.

OK. Just try this bit, "I've been here for years." OK? Ready?

-ACROSS EACH OTHER:

-I've been here for years.

I've been here for years.

Feels like it, don't it?

I took a risk and it backfired.

So you go, "I'm going to knock you out, huh", that's how you do it, OK?

Sir.

Right? OK? Ready? OK. Can we...

-ACROSS EACH OTHER:

-"I'm going to knock you out."

-OK.

It was like teaching in England, except for the fact they

couldn't understand anything I was saying and everything I did failed.

So how did you feel that the programme went on this morning?

Well...yeah, I tried to teach them some rap music.

-But that wasn't successful.

-And that was...that was...that wasn't...

-That wasn't successful.

That didn't go as well. No. It wasn't successful. You're correct, Krishna. Right.

And the next time you and I are teaching a lesson

and the headmaster comes up and says, "How did that go?"

You say, "Brilliantly, they learnt a lot." You just lie, you know?

I'm not used to lying.

Well, don't tell anybody I told you to do that.

How do you think I got this TV show sorted out?

They said to me, "How's it going?" I said, "It's going really well, I'm really successful,"

and then this happened. It's a lie. So I'm going to be seeing your mum later, yeah?

I think so, yeah.

# Right! I'm gonna knock you out

# I'm a say, knock you out

# I'm gonna knock you out... #

Hello.

Hi, Rom.

Hello. How are you?

How are you? I'm good thank you.

-God bless you.

-Lovely to see you.

-Hello.

Thank God! For the first time.

Every time, I believe Krishna tells you are always late.

-Pardon?

-You are always late.

Yeah, I am always late. Yeah, sorry, yeah.

-We had a nice day today, didn't we?

-Yeah, really. And...

I think mum knows about the...

About the what?

I heard today's lessons were pretty bad.

That's what I understand.

He was very good.

And what about you?

He was good. I was bad.

No, he was very good.

OK, now both of you, are good.

Supporting each other. That means everything is a lie now.

What is that you both are talking in between in your eyes?

What's that going on?

No, I've just got a lazy eye.

I can't do anything about...I just look like...

No, I can understand.

I see his eye and your eye, eye contact

and it's something you both are speaking, trying to hide from me.

-No, we're not...

-Yeah...nothing, nothing, nothing.

-No.

No, Romesh. I don't expect this from YOU.

-Wouldn't you...

-Not from YOU!

He grassed me up. Krishna grassed me up.

I tried to signal to him,

and then she caught me doing that,

and then that took me into another spiral of arse-whipping.

Now I've realised that everything I tell Krishna

is going to go straight back to his mum.

And then she'll chop my balls off so I've got to

re-think my strategy on that.

-Take care, bye.

-Already missing you. Bye, dear.

-Bye-bye. See you.

-Bye.

You know, Romesh, say we are living in Sri Lanka,

what kind of job would you select to do?

What jobs could you do in Sri Lanka that you couldn't do here,

for example, like...?

Open a shop.

Yeah, you can... I can't think of any shops here.

Medicine?

-Nah.

-No. Tuk-tuk driver?

-No.

-No?

Where have you pulled that out of?

I mean, you could drive around all the areas and talk to people

and get to know them.

How safe are the roads?

I think I heard roads are lovely now.

Do you promise?

I promise you, yeah.

-This is a clutch.

-Yeah.

Clutch and first gear, OK?

And smoothly...

Oh, wait.

Wait a minute.

All right. OK, switch on that.

First and...

Does this normally happen?

Yeah.

Right, OK. Switch on and slowly...

Slowly out, right? And you can go.

Right.

This tuk-tuk is like...

It's shitter than any other tuk-tuks I've seen on the road.

-Jesus.

-Right?

Where's the clutch?

This is the clutch. This is the clutch.

Look at the seats and that. It's not even got the safety barriers.

No mirror.

Yeah, why?

Uh, you have a smartphone?

Yeah.

You can take this way and see the back. This way.

-No, I know how you do it.

-See the back side.

-Yeah.

-Right, OK?

-So when I'm turning left, put my hand out.

-Yeah.

I turn, and then I put the phone there. That's what the procedure is?

Procedure.

Uh, you sometimes...

Difficult, you can turn.

-Oh, you can turn your head?

-Yeah, turn and see.

Oh, wow. That's a good feature. Like that, yeah.

I'll try, yeah. There you go. Is that how you...? Am I doing it right?

-No, quickly.

-Quickly.

-Yeah.

Right?

Honestly, there is

no way that I'm going to be ready to go on the road today.

-This week.

-Slowly, slowly.

-Whoa!

You can get some practice over on the cones over there.

Yeah, it's just like a road.

That, over there.

I thought I was meant to be spending the week with Krishna. Where is he?

We felt that it was unsafe for him to be in this vehicle.

You really are a prick, aren't you?

Genuine, weapons-grade, nuclear...

-Very good.

-Yeah, listen. Couple of things. You got a lot of stuff,

like, wrong with it. You know there's no mirror?

-Mirror, mirror.

-No mirror.

-No, no.

-Your seats are messed up.

-Ah, right.

-This is all messed up.

We'll just do... We'll improve it.

Make it better.

Better.

-Better?

-Put the mirror in, fix the seat...

-You want modify?

-Modify.

-Modify.

-Like, this paint job is shit.

Isn't it? Nobody's going to get in it when it looks like this.

And you're happy for us to just pimp the shit out of this?

Like, paint, fix the seat, fish tank, music.

-Just looks great.

-Music? You want music?

Yeah, like boom boom boom.

And wi-wi-wi lights?

Well, yeah, whatever.

Lights and...

Well, yeah, let's not get carried away.

MUSIC PLAYS: The Next Episode by Snoop Dogg ft. Dr Dre

Looks like Cookie Monster's corpse, doesn't it?

I mean, part of the reason I chose so much... I mean, I didn't really want

flames, but I just thought I'd choose as much stuff as possible

so that we'd run out of time and I wouldn't have to drive it.

I'll be honest with you. I wanted to help the guy out,

but also I thought, like, that'll take ages to put on.

That's what I thought.

Unfortunately, you found the only mechanics on the planet that will

turn around something in the time that they actually say they will do.

So I've got no choice. I'm going to take it into Jaffna

and I'm going to have a little drive around, see how it goes.

If you think that's safe.

I'm off duty, sorry!

Fuck off.

HORN BLARES

Jesus Christ! Are you...

That was horrible.

My clutch control on this is not good.

Oh, shit.

I stalled it in the middle of it and got people tooting.

People just walk out in front. How is that safe?

Are you not...? Are you not worried about how that has gone?

You don't seem to be that worried.

You assessed the conditions. You were going quite slowly.

HORN TOOTS

All of you are so full of crap. I'm not driving it any more. So this...

you are going to have to find out a way of getting this to where

it needs to be.

Cos I'm never getting in it again.

I think you're going to have to drive it juts a little bit further.

"I think you're going to have to..." No, I'm not, mate!

No, I'm not.

Romesh, so many people work in Sri Lanka.

They work in restaurants and hotels and you should try that, man.

Yeah. I mean, I have done stuff like that.

Where?

I worked in a fried chicken shop.

Oh, yeah. So you've got experience, then.

I worked in Debenhams cafe for a day, walked out.

-But I still did it for a day.

-Oh, right.

So why not give it a try and see, be nice to people...

Mum, I will definitely give it a try, because...

You know, I love you.

You love me? Oh, thank you so much.

I love you too, man.

Is it a fake smile?

Today I'm taking Krishna

and his mum to Nurwara Eliya to work in a hotel that my mum set up.

It's an eight-hour journey.

From what I gather, they like to entertain each other with

little games and singing and stuff like that.

That is...

..the worst

idea of a journey for me.

Sing something. Just for the pastime.

-I can't.

-Why?

Well, I don't know how to sing.

Well, you don't know how to run tuk-tuk and you went

-and sat in the tuk-tuk.

-Yeah, but I nearly killed myself.

-It's not a great example, the tuk-tuk.

-But singing won't kill you.

Don't worry about it.

HE SINGS IN OWN LANGUAGE

So this is where my mum has sent us.

Basically, it's part of the thing that my mum wants me to see

what it's like to do different jobs.

-Hello. I'm Romesh. Are you expecting... ?

-Hello, sir.

Good afternoon.

-Nice to meet you. I'm Benedict.

-Benedict, hello.

-Just a quick thing, my... This is my cousin...

-Yes.

And my auntie wants him to work with me as well. Is that OK?

Yeah, it's all right.

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeah. Please come to the restaurant.

-OK. All right. Thanks.

-Hello.

-Hello.

Hello.

Please, welcome. Good evening.

Hello. Welcome.

Formal dining. Formal dining.

My jacket doesn't fit. Does it matter?

-So you're nice. Looks smart.

-But it doesn't...

-Looks really good.

-Is doesn't shut, though.

-Can I try?

-We will change another day.

I will give you a nice jacket for you.

-His one fits perfectly.

-Yes, looks smart.

Isn't it a bit weird to send a Sri Lankan of British origin to

a colonial hotel?

Does anyone else think that's a bit strange?

There's plenty of Sri Lankan hotels that are just Sri Lankan.

-The room service phone is there.

-Yeah.

Phone is there.

OK. Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

We've basically... This hotel

is a coconut.

This is the hotel version of me.

And I'm working in it. It's bonkers.

PHONE RINGS

OK, answer the phone. Do it.

Hello. Good evening.

This is room service.

A club sandwich.

OK. Thank you so much.

Do you want... Ask them if they want a drink.

If you want a drink or something?

Wha-wha...?

What was that?!

THEY LAUGH

How do you end a phone call with, "Do you want a drink or something?"

KRISHNA LAUGHS

PHONE RINGS Oh, my God.

Hello. Room service. Good evening.

-Room service.

-Room service.

-Ssh!

PHONE RINGS

Brilliant. Thank you so much. It'll be up with you soon.

-Ginger beer and a Coke?

-Yes, that's perfect.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much, madam. Thank you. Enjoy your food.

PHONE RINGS

OK, come on. You're up.

Hello. Good evening.

Room service...

It's what?

Yes, it is the room service.

SS1? I never knew that that kind of room is there...

How can you tell them you don't know the room is there?

Two loose what?

Luciana barbeque chicken, two. Anything else?

What?

OK. Thanks.

Welcome a lot.

How do you think that phone call went?

It was nice.

Why did you keep saying, "What?!" You're not Little John.

What are you doing?

That's one of the worst phone calls I've ever heard.

"What?!"

"Luciana chicken WHAT?!"

Chicken sandwich.

This ain't fun any more, is it?

I did get annoyed during the room service.

I did get frustrated, because it's a high-pressure situation, I suddenly

realised I was actually serving real people.

It's embarrassing going into a room

with actual customers

and not even achieving spending quality time with Krishna here.

Be by the phone in case anybody else orders.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

OK. OK. Excuse me, I've got to just take this.

He kept phoning me.

DIAL TONE

Hello?

Why are you calling me?

Because you have to deliver it fast. He called me again.

Don't phone me unless it's an emergency.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Romesh?

What do you want?

Did you serve that?

Yeah, I've served it and I'm back with you now.

What do you think I'm doing?

Delivering it and then having a jog round the hotel?

Are you getting angry? Don't get angry. Don't get angry.

I'm not getting angry!

It got brought to a close because we were shit.

I don't know why I'm laughing... I feel bad.

I do feel bad, but...

..it is what it is. Benedict wasn't happy.

People are complaining to me.

Don't use the mobile.

If you do, everything is wrong. Many, many complain to me.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Look how good he is.

Hello. Good evening.

I have to talk to someone...

Hello, may I know what are you telling?

The mobile phone, personal mobile phones you can't use.

Can you go get two Cokes for the reading room, fast?

-Have you gone into another dimension? Can you hear what...?

-Sorry.

You are to leave from the club.

Sorry, Benedict.

I am sad for doing that, but...

Do you know why we got fired?

No, I don't know. Don't tell me it's me. Do not...

I'm not going to tell you it's you, I'm going

to tell you what he said exactly.

"Because of use of the mobile phone."

What?

If you Little John again...

I was pissed off at the time. Now I just think I've just wasted...

Basically, what we've done today has not served the show any purpose

and it's not enhanced my relationship with Krishna at all.

Because the time we spent together was just fraught...

Like, room service, running around a hotel, it's not...

Well, that's not quality time, is it? Nobody chooses to do that.

Nobody goes, "I want to get to know you.

"Let's run room service at a hotel we've never been to before."

Basically, I sort of feel like I should do something good with

Krish, because we did the hotel thing, which...

Well, was a stressful situation, so I'm thinking I want to try

and do something that he likes and will also impress his mum,

so that I can sort of nail the whole being a good cousin-nephew dynamic.

I know he's into, like, drumming and dancing and stuff like that,

so we're going to basically practise and perform some Kandyan dancing.

-Let's start.

-Yep.

One, two...

The first dance was this sort of...

Well, you've got to squat down.

I didn't have the requisite flexibility to do it.

Come on, come on, come on.

Down, relax.

You have a space in between your legs.

What's up? You all right?

Then we did the drums.

Don't go like that. Just do this.

Then they showed us this dance, sort of the funny dance.

DRUM BEAT

Something that allowed a little bit of leeway,

sort of freestyle your way in, add a little bit of your own personality.

Good. Very good. Yeah.

OK, guys. Very good. Yeah. Good, good, good.

Yeah, stop it, yeah.

I thought we were going to do some lessons and then we'd go to a hall.

It was like a... You know like you go to bridge club?

I thought we were going to Kandyan dancing club.

Do you know what I mean? And then in front of, like,

the other dancers you sort of have a go at it or whatever.

And it turns out that we've got to put the costumes on

because this is, like, a tourist spot.

Like, they advertise to tourists to come and watch a Kandy dance show.

Excuse me, can I ask you a question?

Are we really doing a performance in front of tourists?

-In front of people?

-Yes, yeah.

It's a very good opportunity for you.

Great opportunity, yeah. I've been waiting for it.

Who gets a tourist to come and do a demonstration to tourists?

It was a bad one, because Krishna was involved.

I basically got him worked up.

Like, it looked like he was freaking out a little bit about the fact

that he's going to have to do a public performance and there

were, like, two or 300 seats out, so you're sort of panicking.

I don't know how this can happen.

I haven't shown any aptitude for this,

and now I'm going to be doing a tourist show.

WHISPERING: Are we on now?

You either don't do it at all and just sort of look all nervous

because you haven't got the skill for it or you do something.

I gave them something, and you can't deny that I committed to it.

Did you see that?

That ripped it.

Krishna came out. He started doing the drums.

I thought he did very, very well.

But the long and short of it is I got my cousin into a difficult situation.

And we got through it together.

HE LAUGHS MANICALLY

You know, the whole intention of the thing was that

I set up something nice so that Krishna enjoys himself

and my auntie sort of thinks I'm a good cousin, a good older brother.

If it went wrong, it would've been an absolute nightmare.

As it is, I smashed it.

MUSIC PLAYS: Just The Two Of Us by Bill Withers

With regards to the other things that I did this week,

I don't have an epiphany about what I might be if I was in Sri Lanka.

You know, I certainly wouldn't be working in a members' club.

The positive thing about it is I got to spent time with Krishna.

He's a nice kid. He's a lovely kid. He speaks six languages.

He's got a lot going for him.

I hope he likes me. I hope he feels we've made a good connection.

I met his mum and I spent the week with them and it was good.

He was really enjoying you,

but I thought you were very liberal towards him.

I think you should be a little bit stiff with him.

I'll be stiff with him in the future.

I'm so sad you're going right now.

I'll stay in touch with him and it'll be nice.

And hopefully I'll come back out and visit them.

And hopefully they won't come to the UK.

I would be really happy if you would

take part in one of the soaps.

I can't act in English.

HE SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE

Tits.

My idea is to make an English tribute to Tamil films.

It's a wrap.