King Kong Asian Provocateur

This programme contains some strong language.

-Romi, I want you to visit Sri Lanka.

-Would you like to do that, darling?

-No.

-Why not?

Sorry.

Jesus Christ!

My name's Romesh Ranganathan, and I know absolutely nothing

about the culture of where my family are from.

My feet are actually burning.

I know more about Horsham. That's sad, isn't it?

You are a Sri Lankan but you're a coconut, isn't it?

Ow! Jesus!

-What do you mean, a coconut?

-Born and brought up in England,

-so you speak English, you don't know the language.

-You made me a coconut!

Whoa!

Yeah, I'm sending you to Sri Lanka to learn about the religion,

the language,

about my relations and learn about their culture.

Shit!

My mum's putting me up for doing a tour of Sri Lanka.

I do want to go and do it, but I'm not doing it cos my mum told me to,

except for the fact that my mum told me to and I am doing it.

Whoa! Oh! Oh! Ah! Ow!

Mate, OK. You know, I'm done, I'm done!

Rom, you know, I'm sending you to Sri Lanka,

and you have not seen me watching so many Tamil soap.

I enjoy watching them.

I will be really happy if you take part in one of the soaps.

I can't act in English. Why would I then...?

So you don't want to learn Tamil at all?

Imagine they'll say to me, "OK, so then your next line is..."

HE IMITATES TAMIL WORDS

-You're taking the mickey.

-I'm not taking the mickey, but...

No, Romesh, you may be good at it. Never know.

Is that how it works? You just go and say I'd quite like to be in it?

I mean, they, they will do the audition.

If they are happy with it, they will give you a little, little part, uh?

All right, I'll think about it.

I'd be very proud of you, mind.

Then I can show off to my friends and enjoy.

It feels like, you know, with some of the things,

my mum has gone, do this cos it'd be good experience

for you to get involved in the culture,

or get to know your culture.

Whereas this seems to be just doing it because it's something that my mum would like to do.

My mum was an actor when she was growing up.

This is something she would want to do,

so now she's living vicariously through me

by sending me to this thing which, by the way,

we're doing unacceptably early.

So I'm doing something that I don't really have a clue about

and I haven't had enough sleep.

So it, it is, I think the showbiz term is "a clusterfuck".

So I've come here for a filmed audition and, er, well,

apparently if I'm any good, they'll actually use my scenes in the soap.

We've turned up and it's like I don't know what this is.

I thought it was going to be like EastEnders.

Hello. Hello, I'm Romesh.

-Hi.

-Hello, how are you?

-Hello, Sir.

-What's your name?

-I'm Bala.

-Bala?

-Yeah.

-Hello.

You're the hero, Darshan.

-Heroine, hello.

-Hi.

Hello, nice to meet you.

Well, the big problem is I don't speak Tamil.

-OK. OK.

-I only speak English.

I know.

Yeah, but I can't. I mean, I can't.

I mean, I can't even read that.

I feel guilty about not speaking Tamil,

but this is an impossible situation.

But, having said all of that, I'm going to throw myself into it.

Well, I was about to say I'm going to throw myself into it 100%,

but I can't speak Tamil,

so my effort will be 100%, my ability will be in the tens.

You want to say...

SHE SAYS TAMIL PHRASE AND ROMESH REPEATS

Well, that bit was very complicated, so...

-HE SAYS PHRASE AND ROMESH REPEATS ANGRILY

-Ah, correct.

Can't remember the line. What's the first bit?

-HE REPEATS TAMIL PHRASE

-Your mum'll be pleased.

I think she'd be delighted that I've just come to humiliate myself.

Look like a prick on one of her favourite shows.

-I'm your best friend. All right. This is your girlfriend.

-Yeah.

I'm using your phone, you doesn't know that matter. OK?

-So you've been using my phone?

-Texting to your girlfriends.

You son of a bitch.

-Hey, this is a scene.

-Yeah, no, I know, I know. No, I was just acting. I was acting.

-OK, OK.

-I was acting, I was acting.

-Yeah, that's acting.

So you've been texting girls from my phone?

Yeah. From your phone. OK? Using your phone.

THEY REPEAT A TAMIL PHRASE

OK.

TAMIL DIALOGUE

What was the last one? Last bit?

HE SAYS TAMIL PHRASE Can I write this down? Have you got a pen?

-Yeah, right.

-Pen please. Oh, thank you.

There's no way we can shoot this.

Action.

ANGRY TAMIL PHRASES

-Learn.

-OK.

Imagine if you got a Sri Lankan person that only spoke Tamil

and you put him in EastEnders,

and you went "Just riff it with Danny Dyer."

It's like, "What's going on 'ere?" "Whata-what-whata?"

That's basically the opposite of what I'm doing now.

HE SAYS TAMIL PHRASE AND ROMESH REPEATS

It's really complicated words. Lots of syllables.

No, for you it is.

ROMESH PRACTISES TAMIL PHRASE

I'm never gonna remember it.

-OK?

-HE REPEATS TAMIL PHRASE

No, but we'll do it.

Action!

HE ATTEMPTS TAMIL PHRASE

Cut.

SHE SPEAKS ANGRILY

Cut!

Action!

Oh! SHE SPEAKS ANGRILY IN TAMIL

-Cut!

-Shit!

Action!

HE SPEAKS TAMIL PHRASES

Oh!

-Cut! One more take.

-No more take, mate. You joking?

Action.

ANGRY TAMIL DIALOGUE

-Cut!

-Just slapped the shit out of me!

You can't say I made a success of it.

They're not gonna cast me now in it. Do you know what I mean?

They didn't actually think I was good.

They were being friendly and polite.

That doesn't mean... You know, it went as well as it could have done,

which is I was crap and they weren't horrible about it.

That's the summary of it, wasn't it?

Action. No, no. Cut. That's enough.

-Yeah?

-OK.

It's a wrap.

Smashed it.

If I learned Tamil and come back, can I have a part? Like, what...?

You reckon I could be in the show?

I might just have a quick walk just down there and learn some Tamil.

I'm just gonna learn to speak Tamil. See you later.

HE PRACTISES TAMIL PHRASES

Well, that didn't go brilliantly but I have had an idea

and to help me with it, I'm gonna call my Uncle Rags.

He helped me out a few weeks ago.

-Hello?

-All right, Rags, it's Rom.

Listen, I need to ask you a favour.

Look, Mum sent to go and act in a Tamil TV show today, right?

And I sort of came across,

sort of, came up with the idea of making, like, a Tamil short film,

Like, I could just do like a few minutes, sort of, short film.

So I'm gonna do like a love story

and then a fight scene and stuff like that.

It's like a Tamil style but in English.

I'm calling you because I, sort of, wondered

if you could come here and help me with it.

Yeah.

RAP MUSIC

My idea is to make an English tribute to Tamil films.

Like a cultural thing

and a big thing of Tamil culture is movies.

It's a big deal.

My Uncle Rags has come out to help me out with it.

He's got a guy that knows locations.

So we've got, we've got a fabulous location...

Fabulous location set up for it.

I think your mum had a vision

of you doing completely different stuff to making a short film.

No. I appreciate that. We did have other stuff organised

but we're not doing that, because we're doing something much better. Get on board.

AGGRESSIVE RAP MUSIC

You love doing Sri Lankan food, Romesh.

-Yeah.

-You should learn to cook. You love aubergine curry so much.

I want you to go and learn how to cook aubergine curry.

Why don't you take a cookery lesson

or learn from somebody how to cook that curry.

And surprise me one day.

Come here... "Mum, I'm doing the cooking."

I will ask, "What are you going to cook?"

-It's a surprise.

-I think it might be aubergine curry.

So what are we doing this morning, Romesh?

Oh, I need to get a cast for the film.

-Are you gonna make notes?

-Yeah.

So we're not doing cooking today?

No.

I sent out a tweet saying if anybody wants to be in a short film to come here

and then we're just gonna do like open auditions.

We're gonna be here all day.

We're gonna see what Sri Lanka's got to offer.

Do you girls do any acting?

-No.

-No.

-No.

-So we'd have to have them as dancers.

-Yeah.

-Next please!

-Hello. Have you got a performance for us, that you're gonna show us?

-Yeah. I'm going to sing.

-Do you do any acting?

-Sorry?

-Acting?

Acting? I'm not good.

-You're not good.

-Ah.

-I think, I don't think I can.

-OK.

I said, if you want to be in my short film,

come to the open audition.

Maybe I should have specified

that I want you to be an actor.

NOISY DRUM AND BASS MUSIC

Do you do any acting?

Er, no.

No? OK.

The next guy stepped it up into the next level of weird shit.

Oh, shit.

What is it?

Oh, my God!

There are two snakes in a basket.

Sounds like the worst bloody takeaway dish ever.

SNAKE HISSES Ugh!

-Hello, mate.

-It is coming over!

Shh!

That guy's a no-no, do you know what I mean?

You walk into a room, but you don't see me.

You see...tits!

Beeg Brahamin boobs.

Pretty porcelain pairs.

Irrationally enhanced wares.

You walk into a room. But you don't see me.

You see...tits.

Tiiiiiits!

-Thank you.

-No, that was great.

Well done. Really fun, that was really good.

That was really good. Can you do acting, yeah?

You've done acting on stage.

Yes, yes. I...I do essentially stage.

-That's your main...bag.

-That's kind of the main thing, yeah.

I mean, there's two things.

One is, I automatically when you came in, I was actually

looking at your face more, because you've got a reasonably pretty face.

Oh, thank you.

But then the minute you started the tits, then it stood out to me

that also...that's pretty good department, there, as well.

I don't think I've got any more questions. Have you any, Rags?

-Very impressed, certainly.

-Yeah. Lovely to meet you.

Thanks.

You can't...say what you just said to her.

You said you've got a reasonably pretty face. "Reasonably", you said.

That I found offensive, right? A back-handed compliment.

And then you followed it up by saying,

"when you were talking about tits I realised that you were OK in that department as well."

In that department you're all right.

I've had to, sort of, just say to him, maybe set a few ground rules,

but every time I set a ground rule,

he finds a new type of question to ask. Just batshit crazy.

Can you do anything else?

What about running around and stuff like that?

-Would you?

-Ah.

-Running around?

Could we borrow that what you're wearing?

What?

If you were just stood there and someone actually pretended,

like, beating you, can you do that sort of thing?

I can do some fighting moves, I guess.

-Yeah?

-Kick a guy in the face.

You kick a guy in the face?

I mean, if you want me too.

See? He can do that.

Are you available on Friday?

-Yeah, I am.

-You are. He could be the henchman.

When you asked that question, I thought it was...

I thought it was a crazy question to ask but, actually, it was good, wasn't it?

I am actually, I'll be honest with you, quite happy with today.

I was...I was really depressed after the first three.

Especially after snake man, I just felt shit

but, actually, I think we've got some people that I think

we can use in the film.

One of them I think is a potential leading lady, the tits girl.

So I'm actually really happy, and Rags,

as much as I had to rein him in, was actually very useful.

I've basically organised to meet a proper film star

to be in the film. They've agreed to be in the film.

You know, he's a big star.

Got in touch with him.

Sorted it.

That's just how I operate.

You know, when I was a little girl, there's a very famous place.

It's called Sigiriya.

I was seven years old, I think.

I never got to know the history of that place.

Do me a favour, you know.

Go there and learn the history of why that Sigiriya is...

What actually is it?

It's like a big...

There are so many steps you have to climb.

What happens at the top?

I can't remember, Romesh. I really can't remember.

You want me to climb the steps to find out if there's a point

-to climbing all the steps?

-No! First you learn the history.

-Does your mum know what you're doing?

-She doesn't need to, she's got no idea about this.

Listen, if you really want to do Sig, Sig, Sigu...

-Sigiriya.

-Sigiriya.

If you really want to do Sigiriya, just get another brown guy

and film him, I don't think people will notice.

I'm going to be meeting a film star and making a movie.

So, what's the go? You've got some star coming?

The star is going to meet us here.

Who is he?

His name...

..is King Kong.

-What?

-I'm surprised you haven't heard of him.

-I haven't heard of him.

-He's like a massive Tamil film star.

-Main actor?

-Yeah. Like one of the big, main dudes.

It is a great name, King Kong.

You wouldn't call your kid King Kong, would you?

But then, if your surname is Kong, there's every possibility.

I would have called him King.

No, but if your surname's Kong, then that's the last name you would give.

Two names you don't give a kid if your surname's Kong - King and Hong.

If the surname is Dong,

it's more likely the guy's first name will be Ding.

-Correct?

-No, it's less likely.

So, this King Kong, we're going to meet him?

Mate, this is him, this is him.

This is him!

Oh, my God.

How are you?

So good to meet you.

So yeah, I recognise him.

He's done some dancing, so he's a good mover.

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-Yeah, OK.

I think Rags was impressed.

He recognised him as soon as he saw him.

-Want to show him that, or...?

-Yeah, I can show him that.

What I'd like from him is for him to train me

in how to be an authentic sort of Tamil movie star.

Teach me some of his dance moves,

because I know that he's the expert, and I'm just like the student.

He's going to just show you a few different moves, right?

-OK.

-So he's going to start with that, and you can follow.

-We're doing a crash course?

-Yeah, you've got to follow him.

-OK, great.

You're the boss.

MUSIC: It's Tricky by Run-DMC

-# It's tricky

-Tricky, tricky, tricky

# It's tricky to rock a rhyme

# To rock a rhyme that's right on time

# It's tricky

# Tricky, tricky, tricky

# I met this little girlie

# Her hair was kinda curly

# Went to her house and bust her out

# I had to leave real early

# These girls are really sleazy

# All they just say is please me

# Or spend some time and rock a rhyme

# I said, "It's not that easy"... #

He's just a nice guy, like he's how I hoped he was going to be.

He showed me some dance stuff.

I mean, that's pretty amazing.

HE SPEAKS IN TAMIL

Emotion! Dance.

Emotion. OK?

Romesh, what he's saying is now he's going to show you

how to do the love dance.

-You know, like in the movie, you have to do...

-Oh, yeah.

What he wants you to do is watch him carefully.

First, you try to do like he's the girl,

she's trying to hide and things like that.

-She's running away and hiding?

-Yeah.

I'm chasing her, I find her and grab her. Like that?

Slower.

Yeah, like you're longing.

MUSIC: Dilemma by Kelly Rowland

# I love you

# I need you

# Nelly, I... #

So I just chase her and...

What I felt uncomfortable with was the chasing the girl.

He explained it like you've basically got to do a playful thing,

when the girl's running away from you,

and then you keep chasing her and you keep grabbing at her.

I mean that is a sex attack, that's not...

That isn't romantic.

Unfortunately, the romance dance, he's now being honest with you,

maybe he's not quite convinced with that.

-What do you mean?

-I think you needed to give it a bit more, you know...

Dude, I chased him round the pillar!

You haven't got concerns that maybe you should not worry

about doing this film any more?

Why would I not want to do the film?

How...? The guy agreed to be in it.

He's got 19 million views on YouTube.

He's like one of the biggest Tamil stars of all time,

and he's agreed to be in my film.

I don't see how this fits in with the plans that your mum's made.

She's been a long time thinking about your experience in Sri Lanka,

and now you're, what feels like, to be honest, messing around.

I'm doing a Tamil film! It's a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Megastar. Me.

Tamil film I've written, directed.

Boom! Deliver it. Bam! "Mum, I made a Tamil film."

She's going to be, "Oh, my God, I've lost my shit!"

You know, we've got a cast.

Don't actually have a storyline or an idea for the film yet.

I don't know if anyone's ever said this,

but tonight I have to write a film...

because we're making it tomorrow.

It might just be five minutes of King Kong dicking about.

That would still be better than what I've currently got planned.

So, I don't know, just put a grass skirt on him and see what happens.

I'm actually genuinely shitting myself. That's the truth of it.

So, it's a big day.

I still haven't written anything but I'm not worried

because we're going to the Tamil soaps' prop place

to get some inspiration.

I'm pretty sure that's how Spielberg does it.

Is this it?

Let's have a look back here.

Look at this.

That's all right... What is it?

Ahh!

This could be a good thing to smash on the head.

Know what I mean?

So, Rom, I don't know.

There's not much here, mate, unfortunately, eh?

Does it look like a realistic weapon?

I think we're going to have to scale back our ambitions.

What about like small bombs or hand grenades?

Well... You saw this and thought about hand grenades, didn't you?

What about a massive peacock?

This could be sitting like a big art piece in the house,

fits in with the scene.

You just put your hand through it, mate.

Smash it.

They're not going to let us smash this peacock.

-They might allow it. Why don't you ask them?

-OK.

Just think, so maybe that, just...

We'll take it, anyway, right?

I mean, if you need to use it, mate.

I'm just thinking there's nothing else here, so...

Does this hurt? Turn around.

Oh! Shit!

Well, I guess we're making a film about a fucking peacock.

Well, we're here at our location.

All the actors are coming here.

I don't actually 100% know that they're coming.

All I know is I got an e-mail saying we'll try and sort something out.

-So...

-Yeah?

-Well...

-But, they are coming?

Well, I haven't had a confirmation.

Right guys, can I have you over here, please?

We're going to start filming the most complicated scene first. Yeah?

Fight scene one, take one.

Action!

-Yeah, that's fine, isn't it?

-Yeah, looks good.

Fighters!

Right, can this BBC crew get out of the way please -

you're blocking my shot.

Out the way, guys, come on. Time is money, guys, all right?

Action. Come on!

The message of the film was supposed to be

this is a second generation Sri Lankan

making his tribute to Tamil cinema.

I got carried away a bit,

and it sort of looks more like a martial arts film.

THEY GRUNT

Cut!

Smashed it.

What do you think so far? Exciting, wasn't it?

OK, action!

How did that look? All right?

Well, the fight scene was unbelievable.

-Rom?

-Yeah.

-Blood splatter?

-Yeah, we'll add that in post.

Probably about two and a half hours left,

you've probably got about 25 seconds in the can.

But what are 25 seconds?

You know, I've seen films that are two and half, three hours,

and they're rubbish. I've got 25 seconds of pure gold.

Now that is great.

Action!

How many minutes do you want this movie to be?

I'd like at least a minute. At the moment we're less than half that.

OK, so just re-run it twice.

-I didn't realise you spoke Spanish.

-Cut!

Action!

Oh, look! It's Romesh and Rags.

-Rex? Rags?

-Cut!

What on Earth was that?

You've got to lay the smack down.

Action!

Gosh, it's Romesh and Rags!

Cut. That's great. It's a wrap.

I don't know what to do, man. This...

She's gone.

-What?

-She's gone.

She was madly in love with you, mate.

That's what I thought, but this guy,

he's got like a big house, he's got money...

He's good looking, he's slim, it just...

You're a man, right? Stop fucking crying like a girl, right?

We can get this girl back, all right?

-It's not too late, we can get her. I've got a plan.

-What plan?

Let's do the peacock thing.

Peacock thing?

The peacock thing.

Romesh never bought me wine.

PHONE RINGS

Peacock?

For me?

Let him in.

That's when he said to me, "I didn't realise you spoke Spanish!"

It's Romesh and Rags!

We've got intruders in the house. Get them.

Come on!

GRUNTING AND SHOUTING

No!!!!

King Kong!

Yes!

HE SHOUTS IN TAMIL

-Where is he?

-No!

-Where is he?

-Romesh, watch out!

-Ahh!

-No, no!

I'm fine! I'm...

HE SOBS

King Kong!

I reckon it'll win the award.

What award?

British movie thing.

The British movie thing?

-Yeah, like BAFTA or something.

-Right, yeah.

You are going to Sri Lanka?

I fancy coming as well.

All right, my son?

Ohhh!

Aaghh!

You made lots of friends here.

You're a dickhead, you are. Honest to God.