Shanthi's Return Asian Provocateur

Romey, I want you to visit Sri Lanka.

Would you like to do that, darling?

-No.

-Why not?

Sorry.

Jesus Christ!

My name's Romesh Ranganathan and I know absolutely

nothing about the culture of where my family are from.

My feet are actually burning.

I know more about Horsham. That's sad, isn't it?

You are a Sri Lankan but you're a coconut, isn't it?

Ow! Jesus!

-What do you mean?

-You were born and brought up in England,

so you speak English. You don't know the language.

You made me a coconut!

I'm sending you to Sri Lanka to learn about the religion,

the language,

about my relations and learn about their culture.

Shit!

My mum's put me up for doing a tour of Sri Lanka

and I do want to go and do it but I'm not doing it cos my mum

told me to except for the fact that my mum told me to and I am doing it.

Whoa! Oh! Ooh! Ah!

Oh, mate! OK, I'm done. I'm done.

My mum's coming.

I'm looking forward to seeing her.

We're in Batticaloa.

It's the area of Sri Lanka that my mum sort of grew up.

She didn't sort of grow up. She did grow up.

She's going to be expecting to find out what exactly I've

learnt from my trip.

What I'm going to try and do,

I'm sort of going to try and Derren Brown her.

Do you know what I mean? Little suggestions that I know what

I'm talking about, that I've become an expert. That's kind of...

That's my strategy.

Lie!

It's not lying, it's...it's...

No, it's lying. It is lying.

# Stand up... #

I've got a nice thing lined up for her.

We're going to have a look around

and we're going to do it in

the traditional Sri Lankan way, which is in a...

in a cart that's being pulled by a cow.

Hi, my son!

Ohh! Lovely to see you, darling.

What are we doing now?

We're doing a little tour of Batticaloa...

OK. Lovely.

..in that.

You're joking, dear?

No! No way!

We're just going to go and have a little journey round in that.

-In that?

-Yeah.

Shall we go?

Jesus! Ooh!

A lot of the locals have got to know me here. Hi, how you doing?

-Hello.

-This is one of the number one fabric shops in Batticaloa.

Printer's.

A lot of the city gents here go to City Gents.

That fruit stall there has the second highest

turnover in the whole of Batticaloa.

Nice! Nice! Nice! I am very impressed by it.

-You've made lots of friends here.

-Yeah.

I'll be honest with you. I thought,

initially, it would be funny to pretend I know a couple of people.

Hi, mate! That's another one of my friends.

-That's Ravi.

-Ravi.

That's Sabash.

Hi, Sabash!

That's Suhun.

Suhun. Where? Which one is Suhun? There?

'I didn't know it was going to work that well.

'By the time I'd realised what was going on, it was too late to back out then.'

I just had to along with it.

Now my mum thinks that I'm... she thinks I'm, like, the most

popular guy in Batticaloa!

You came early here and learned about everything,

and you showed a lot of interest in it.

It's fantastic, man. I feel like crying.

Wouldn't the ideal thing have been that you genuinely knew something

about the area that your mum grew up in and told her about it?

Yes.

MUSIC: She Wants To Move by N.E.R.D.

My mum wants us to go and visit my Auntie Selvi.

Basically, she doesn't want me to just meet her and get to know her.

Apparently, my Auntie Selvi does this, like, arranged marriage

introductory service, and my mum wants me to get involved.

As all I've done so far is lie to her,

I am actually going to give it a proper go.

Like, how many people has she got on the go at the moment?

THEY SPEAK OWN LANGUAGE

300.

300?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

So does she have anybody...

-Yeah?

-..that she's struggling to...

like, to match up with anyone?

Show it to him there.

-This guy?

-This guy, yeah.

Pratheepan Poopalasingam?

-WOMEN:

-Poobalasingam!

Oh, Poobalasingam. I was going to say. The name won't help, will it - poop?

-You have to pronounce it right.

-No, I know.

So what's this guy's problem? Why can't they...

THEY SPEAK OWN LANGUAGE

He hasn't got a government job.

Everybody in Sri Lanka,

they look for a government job. It's security more than anything.

What if it's a really wonderful man but he doesn't have a job?

Hard luck, man!

-I take it his looks are not a problem?

-No, he's good-looking.

-He's hot, isn't he?

-Yeah. Yeah.

-What would you give him out of ten?

-He's ten out of ten.

-Oh, wow!

-You really like him!

-He's good-looking.

'I just felt sorry for this guy

'so I sort of decided that we would try and help this dude out.'

We looked through the available girls

and there's this one girl who seems to be a perfect match.

She's in the arts, he's in the arts

and he's very successful in the arts.

I don't see why it can't happen.

For them to see each other, or for the girl to see the dude,

they can't meet.

The way they arrange them seeing each other is they do, basically, a drive-by.

My Auntie Selvi will set that all up.

She's going to have the dude waiting on the corner,

we're going to be with the girl.

The guy knows that he's going to get viewed.

So then you're just standing there, trying to look as sexy as possible,

just, like, while a car pulls up.

Is it just me or is this absolutely mental?

Oh, God! Look, this is him.

-Huh?

-This is him here.

Look, that's him.

Can she see him?

THEY SPEAK OWN LANGUAGE

-Is she looking?

-Yeah.

Can you, um, ask her what her first impressions are?

THEY SPEAK OWN LANGUAGE

Ah. He's a bit dark.

-He's a bit dark?

-Dark, yeah.

She doesn't like the way he was wearing slippers.

She expected him to be a bit stylish

and a better shoe or shirt or whatever.

-So she thinks he hasn't made enough of an effort?

-That's it. That's it. Yeah. Yeah.

-I'm going to go have a chat with the guy.

-OK.

-Hi, mate.

-This is Pratheepan.

-Romesh. How you doing?

-Good.

-Pratheepan?

Good to see you. Good to see you. Yes.

She likes you. She thought you had a good look.

If we manage to get this date sorted out, you just will have to

-smarten up a little bit, just for the purposes of that.

-Yes.

You've got a lot going for you in terms of...

You're an actor, right?

Yes. As an artist, we have to imitate actors,

animals and then anything.

Can you imitate animals?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Like, what animals can you imitate?

Dog, cat, tiger, monkey.

Right, give me a quick tiger.

HE ROARS

HE ROARS

Like that, you know.

Brilliant. OK, I'm going to go have a chat with her

and then I'll come back to you and update you.

Right, I'm back.

Can you ask her, if we got him to a point where he'd smartened up,

would she be happy for us to have, like, them have an official meet-up?

THEY SPEAK OWN LANGUAGE

-Yes.

-She said yeah?

You arrange the date.

The news is the date's on, mate.

How do you feel, good?

Yeah, I would like to.

Good. Can I see, like, the tiger one more time?

HE GROWLS

That is the mentality I want you to take into tonight.

So basically, the plan is to get him a makeover.

Facial, manicure, pedicure - boom! He's looking sexy.

And then I get him some nice garms and we're ready to go.

# Ain't nobody dope as me

# I'm dressed so fresh, so clean

# So fresh and so clean... #

This is bleach.

Bleach? Is it burning your face?

A little bit.

# Don't you think I'm so sexy?

# I'm dressed so fresh, so clean

# So fresh and so clean, clean

# Ain't nobody dope as me

# I'm dressed so fresh, so clean... #

Ha-hey!

Look who we've got here!

-Who is that?

-Just taking his shoes off!

-Hello!

-And very nice shoes they are.

Hopefully, we'll have a nice evening.

I thought it was difficult tonight.

On the plus side, Pratheepan looked good.

I thought he did a good job of, like, presenting himself.

On the negative side, Madi's mum was terrifying.

One of the scariest women I've ever encountered.

Yeah, I opened the door and I went, "Hello," and she went...

Can you please come out?

I need to talk to you, huh?

-This is not going to work out, darling.

-Why?

When Mother said to me, "My daughter is so beautiful.

"He's not good-looking.

"I don't want my daughter to get married."

What, because her mum doesn't fancy him?

Not fancy him!

Yeah, but she doesn't think he's attractive. I don't get it.

You said he's ten out of ten when you saw the photo.

-Photo, he looked good.

-Now, all of a sudden, the mum doesn't like him

and now you've changed your tune.

I'm not changing the tune! I'm just telling you what the mother said!

He's wearing a suit, he's had a pedicure.

That's not important, is it?

But he's gone to a lot of effort, hasn't he?

Mother is not interested, that's it. She was very polite.

She said...

That's what she said.

That's more polite, is it?

"My daughter is more beautiful."

But that?

Serious question - if he did the monkey impression, do you

-think that would change anything?

-No.

-You're in this film...

-Yes.

-..and this is you?

It's a special character in the film.

-So what are you? Are you a monkey in this?

-Yes.

So how did you have to behave? Can you show us, like, a little...

-Performance?

-...sample?

-Yeah.

How did you do it?

I have to make my whole body...

OK. Yeah, sure. Go for it.

HE IMITATES MONKEY

Wah!

HE IMITATES MONKEY

-That's amazing, isn't it?

-Amazing! Lovely! Yay!

THEY CLAP

That was great, right? It was great!

I'm not saying they're definitely going to get married.

What I am saying is it's potentially on the cards.

You can do other animals, can't you? Choose an animal. What animals...

Dog.

HE BARKS

-That's very good. That was great.

-Yeah!

THEY CLAP

-That was good, right?

-You ARE talented, I'm telling you.

-That was great as a dog.

-Yeah.

What did you think of his impressions, by the way?

-I liked it.

-Which one was your favourite?

The monkey. The monkey was really, really good, yeah.

So what are we doing tonight?

I arranged for you to see this sports day.

It has been going on for hundreds of years.

Some of my family members are coming.

One of the things is the pillow fight.

-And I want you to get involved in that.

-OK.

And then if we're doing this for you today,

tomorrow I've organised something.

We're going to do that.

-I'm a bit worried.

-About what?

What have you organised for me?

Just naked mud wrestling.

No, it's a rap thing.

MUSIC: Fix Up, Look Sharp by Dizzee Rascal

I remember one of my first sports days,

my dad took part in the father's race.

He fell over and came last. I started crying.

And he had to take me to get pancakes so that I would stop being upset.

Oh, shit.

I think my mum and dad took me for pancakes every time I was upset.

It does explain the childhood obesity.

-So do you want to participate?

-What is it?

SHE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

They are going to... What are they going to do now?

Nobody seemed to have any idea what was going on. It was just chaos.

-Some sort of running and go...

-Yeah, yeah.

Some sort...?

What does he mean? What's the running one?

Romesh...

You are to participate.

Yeah, yeah. Go, go, go, go.

I was thinking it was going to be, like, an Olympic event

and I'm a bit nervous, you know?

Am I wearing the right stuff? Probably not. And then you walk in

and nobody's got a sodding clue.

What do we have to do?

You just think, "Well,

"if I'm shit, it is in keeping with how this event's being run."

Go!

The kids were a lot faster than I thought they were going to be,

so I was last, basically.

SHE LAUGHS

That's humiliating enough.

Without adding into the fact that I was the only adult participating,

cos everyone else was kids.

Romesh...

Romesh, come on! Eat the bun!

It was the driest bun I've ever tasted. It was...

I think it's difficult enough to just have a bun hanging there.

That's enough of a challenge.

It's dry!

They don't have to make it out of cement.

SHE LAUGHS

Ah, Romesh!

Yeah, Romesh! Come on!

CHEERING

Are you impressed with my level of fitness?

I am. I am.

But this bit has to get tidied up, OK? Look at that.

Your belly like bouncy castle.

Are we done now?

HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

I just heard, they're announcing that you didn't do it properly

because you touched it.

You didn't do it properly, that's what they say.

-How did I not do it properly?

-Did you throw any bun behind you?

-No.

-Tell me the truth.

-I'm telling you the truth.

If you find a bun at the end of the event, I didn't put my name on it.

I hadn't labelled it.

So how did they know it's my bun?

There's only one possible answer. One of those little pricks is a grass.

The big finale for the Sri Lankan sports day is the pillow fight,

where you sit on a pole and you fight someone with a pillow.

Obviously, the main event.

A massive crowd gathered round. They were properly excited about it!

Surprisingly, bun on a string - not the main event.

-This is the last event. You don't want to?

-Not really, no.

It looks a bit dangerous.

Ooh-oh...

Give it a try. Give it a try, man.

Well, if I die, just remember that you're the one that told me to do it.

Don't say that horrible thing. Good luck.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So I'm the winner.

But apparently, I'm not allowed to be the winner,

because I threw the pillow.

Nowhere in the extensive rule explanation I was given

before the event was I told that I'm not allowed to throw the pillow.

It's pillow fighting. I used a pillow to fight.

But my result was invalidated.

I had to go up there again, then he twatted me

harder than I've ever been twatted with a pillow before.

How did you take to losing the final?

Yeah, I think I took it really well.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

THEY LAUGH

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Mum, can I tell you something honestly,

-because we're having a nice time?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Do you know when we were in the cow and cart?

-Yeah.

And we were, like, waving at Rajan and Chundrun?

It made me really happy.

Yeah. You know...

-The truth is...

-Yeah?

-I...

HE LAUGHS

I didn't actually know any of those guys.

-So you just pretended that you know...

-No, it wasn't pretending.

Do you enjoy lying to your mother?

-It was a joke, Mum.

-No, it's not a joke. I don't accept it, no.

Anything else that you lied to me?

-You know when we did the pilgrimage? Pada Yatra?

-Pada Yatra, yeah.

-We did it.

-Yeah.

-It was a very hot road. We were walking barefoot.

-Yeah.

-For three hours.

-Yeah.

But it was so hot, my leg was hurting.

And so we got into the crew vehicle

and we went the rest of the way in the vehicle.

-It's horrible. You're a dickhead, you are. Honest to God.

-Mum...

..one other thing. We didn't go to Sigiriya.

Anyway...

..I'm tired, so I want to go to bed. OK?

-All right.

-All right.

Thank you.

I'm sorry about pretending I knew the people in Batticaloa

and about the pilgrimage and all this.

Yeah, that's a horrible thing to do.

You made me believe that you have spoken to them and they're fans.

But...

-I believed you, but it's upsetting me, so what can you do?

-I was...

It was just a joke, Mum.

Promise me that you won't lie to me again.

Er... I promise, I promise.

-So, I've lined up something quite fun.

-What is it?

We're going to meet up with that rap group from Colombo, Colombo MBZ.

-The one who humiliated you?

-He didn't humiliate me.

Yeah, the words he used, I didn't like it at all, Romesh.

One thing he said in a rap battle. It's not even on their song.

He said I liked all sorts of cock.

That's what you've got a problem with?

I don't want to listen to that word, man, again. Please don't use that.

-I am going to have a word with him.

-Mum...

-I am. I am.

-Don't have a word with him.

-Why not?

Because they've agreed to do a song with us, for us to be in the video,

and now you're going to turn up there and go, "Why did you say about cock?"

'Look, I know I'm not in her good books at the moment,

'but I have done everything she's asked me to.

'So she better get involved.'

-So, basically, I've organised this hotel...

-Yeah.

-..for us to use

-for the video.

-Oh. The video. You're going to take part in it?

-We are, yeah.

-Yeah?

We are? What do you mean, "we"?

Mum, I'll make it really easy for you.

It's just literally a couple of bits,

a little bit of dancing in the video, a bit of twerking.

So you expect me to get involved. I don't like the idea at all, Romesh.

I think it's this...

Yeah. KNOCKS ON DOOR

-How you doing? This is my mum, Shanthi.

-How are you?

-I'm fine, thank you.

-We'll go to the beach, check out the pool.

We'll check out some locations, if you guys want to come,

and we'll plan what we're going to do for the video, yeah?

Oh, look at this, Mum. You could do, like, a little bit in the Jacuzzi.

No, don't be silly, Romesh.

What about if we use that, Mum?

No, I'm not going to come in the video, so I'm sorry, Romesh.

-What if you were just chilling out on there?

-No, thank you.

-Or just sitting on the edge of it?

-No. No way. No.

I mean, the pool looks amazing. Don't you think it'd be good, Mum?

-You walk from that end to here doing a bit of...

-I'm not doing it, Rom.

You keep on wasting energy. Come on.

Mum, can I have a quick chat with you over here?

-Can you please just do the video?

-No,

-I don't want to, Romesh!

-Why not?

-You put me in a spot.

-This is not our cultural tradition.

But they're a Sri Lankan rap group.

-How about this? I write the rap now.

-Yeah.

And in the rap,

your part is you insulting me.

You won't get offended?

-I'm going to write it so that you can do it.

-OK.

-That's the whole incentive behind it.

-Are you going to get me a present?

-For doing it?

-What do you want? SHE LAUGHS

I'll ask for expensive present.

OK, fine, you're allowed to insult me

-and I'll get you an expensive present.

-Yes! I'll do it!

OK! Deal!

All right, fine.

RAP MUSIC

Sri Lanka!

Colombo MBZ and Romesh Ranganathan

UK-Sri Lanka collaboration

2015! Banging it out Let's go!

Rap! I'm here in Sri Lanka The language is double Dutch

-All because my mum said

-"Rom, you're a coconut"

Started in Colombo The rap battle really rocked

When this man told me I liked all types of cock

Pada Yatra, got a van Cos the road was hot

Pierced my Uncle Rags picked me up a lot

Learning Angampora Punches I was banging out

Beaten by a team While my arse crack was hanging out

Next with my mum I had a little ding-dong

Instead of the activities I made a film with King Kong

Now I'm in trouble Lied to Mum on telly

-But she spent the show saying

-"You've got a fat belly"

# Ooh-ah, ooh-ah

# We are Sri Lanka

# Ooh-ah, ooh-ah

# We are Sri Lanka. #

-So, Mum, be honest. You did enjoy yourself today, didn't you?

-Er, yes.

When you asked me to do it, I thought,

"My God, he's going to offend you or you're going to get angry".

I mean, I could feel I constantly talking about your belly there.

Yeah, so why don't you shut up about it?

-It's a bit difficult.

-What is your obsession with it?

-Anyway, forget the belly.

-What do you mean, "Forget the..."?

-You're telling me?

-Yeah.

-YOU'RE always going on about it.

-No, I'm not going to talk about it.

-I bet you 200 quid

-you can't not mention it for a week.

-OK, wait and see. Wait and see.

-I will wait and see. I look forward to my £200 in a week's time.

-Yeah.

I imagine, when you give it to me, you'll go, "Here you go, fatty".

SHE CHUCKLES

Well, it's my last day in Sri Lanka,

and, you know, I wanted to do something nice for my mum.

I didn't do Sigiriya when I was supposed to.

So I thought, "What better way to spend the last day with my mum

"than actually taking her to Sigiriya?"

-Bang.

-Wow!

-Amazing, right?

-Yeah, beautiful, man!

It's only, like, a seven-, eight-hour walk up the steps.

I've done a little bit of brushing up.

-King Kashyapa built the palace on top of Sigiriya.

-Are you making that up?

Is this another one of your...?

No, this is my mum made me promise not to lie.

So what I don't want to do is start pretending, you know,

it's King Jaffy-Joffa.

You know, the royal wipers used to come up to the

top of the mountain and clean his batty for him, or whatever,

and from that action, that's how they named Batticaloa.

Batticaloa actually means "to clean the batty".

It's great to see you learning about the culture and the history.

What have you taken from the last six weeks?

I sort of came on the trip in a position where

if Sri Lanka was mentioned, I'd start to feel self-conscious

and worried about not knowing enough,

and now I feel I'm in a position where I've experienced

enough of it that actually, I can get to a point where

I start to make other people feel bad about themselves.

-That's a horrible message.

-Well, no, I mean, it's good, isn't it?

All these people that go travelling, they're wankers in training.

That's what you're doing, you're training to be a wanker

so you can make other people feel like shit.

So what does that make you now?

Well, you've snookered me there, haven't you?

I'm a fully trained wanker! That's what we should have called this.

Romesh Becomes A Wanker In Sri Lanka.

-We did it.

-Yeah, done it! Come on. Come on, Romesh.

SHE LAUGHS DELIGHTEDLY

-Yes!

-Are you enjoying this?

-I am.

-Wonderful, isn't it?

Yeah, it is wonderful. It's beautiful.

-Thanks for organising, anyway.

-Mum,

I hope you like your expensive present.

-Have you got it?

-This is it. Yeah, I've got it.

We're experiencing it right now.

-No... OK.

-Mum, this is the present.

-OK, that's fine. I'll accept it.

-Are you disappointed?

-No, I'm not disappointed! No.

That means no shopping, is it?

-This is the present.

-This is the present. OK.

-Mum, I have actually got a proper surprise for you.

-Have you?

-Yeah.

We're going to fly all around Sigiriya in this.

-Ohhh!

-We've got a private jet just for us to have a look around.

Oh, lovely, man! Thank you! Thank you, honey. Ohhh!

-I thought this is a way of getting a Sri Lankan experience...

-Yeah.

..but without any of the hassle.

-I reckon it'll be even better than the views.

-I think so, yeah.

Bloody hell, it's faster than I thought it was going to be!

Beautiful!

Mum, look!

-Ohhh!

-How cool is that?

MUSIC: Thanks For The Memory by Frank Sinatra

# Thanks for the memory...

Thank you. Thank you.

# Of things I can't forget

# Journeys on a jet...

Cheers.

# Our wondrous week in Martinique

# And Vegas and roulette...

Batman tune!

# How lucky I was...

That's a beautiful view. You've made me proud.

# And thanks for the memory...

I don't expect this from you. Not from you.

# Of summers by the sea...

Can somebody get me down?

# Dawn in Waikiki...

This ain't fun any more, is it?

# We had a pad in London But we didn't stop for tea...

I'm off duty, sorry!

# How cosy it was...

I'm really proud of you, man, for doing all this,

-and I love you. You're such a wonderful boy.

-Thank you. All right.

Love you, too.

-So, can I just ask you...

-Yeah.

..do you still think I'm a coconut?

You're not.

OK?

I don't believe you.