Episode 1 Ask Rhod Gilbert

APPLAUSE

Tonight on Ask Rhod Gilbert, our special guests are...

she's no Pussycat, it's Kimberly Wyatt...

and comedy legend Phill Jupitus!

They're here every week,

Greg Davies and Lloyd Langford!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Ask Rhod Gilbert!

Hello, welcome. My name is Rhod Gilbert,

and tonight my job is to find the answers

to the questions that keep us all awake at night.

Some questions can be insensitive,

like, "Gran, is it really worth you

"wasting all that money on a bag for life?"

LAUGHTER

Some questions go to the heart of who we are as human beings.

Questions like, when did we decide

it was OK to make fish give us pedicures?

What're we going to do next? Force crows to trim our nasal hair?

"Back, sack and crack, sir? Certainly.

"I'll just dip this Jack Russell in hot wax and we're ready to go."

People make all sorts of excuses.

"Don't worry. It's what fish do in the wild." What, foot treatments?

Are you telling me Jaws wasn't a hunting machine,

but a clumsy beautician?

"I'm not coming here again, love. I asked him to do my bunions,

"he ate my leg and my surfboard!"

So what if they do it in the wild?

My dog sniffs other dogs' bottoms,

doesn't mean he should check if my pants will go another day.

LAUGHTER

We should stop using fish like this.

We already eat them,

give them to anyone who can throw a ball into a jar

and nail to them the wall and make them sing Don't Worry, Be Happy.

Do they have to work full time in beauty salons?

Most women who work there are orange with a short memory.

Hardly the point.

On with the show.

APPLAUSE

In a world of ambiguity, we need someone with credibility

to help us find the answers to our questions.

We begin by asking, who is tonight's authenticator?

He'll need the courage he showed on '80s TV sensation Knight Rider.

LAUGHTER

He'll need the same vim and vigour

he had when he was a star of Baywatch.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He'll need all the diplomacy and tact he used

as a judge on Britain's Got Talent.

That's right. Tonight's authenticator,

actor, TV megastar and camp comandantof German disco pop,

it's David Hasselhoff.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you!

Woo!

Wow!

Thank you.

Why is there a bird over here?

LAUGHTER

Just your magnetism, I think.

How are you going to help us tonight?

Tonight, I am the authenticator.

I will be providing you and the panel

with all the information you need to answer tonight's questions.

Wonderful. And when I think we have an answer, I will do this.

ANGELIC CODA

What have you learned this week, Phill?

-I learned how to eat oysters properly.

-Wow.

I did what the sea otters did.

I used to put them on my stomach and get a brick and go, "Bang, bang!"

That got me thrown out of

some of the finest seafood restaurants in the country.

Kimberly, have you learned anything?

I learned something so magnificent, it blew my mind.

Wow.

A whale was once a land-dwelling creature with four legs.

And it evolved into a whale.

I don't know how to break this to you.

I don't think a whale was walking along and its legs fell off.

No, it happened over millions of years.

I think there was a time when whales were on bricks.

Let's crack on. Let's find out who wants to know what. Who have we got?

I like Martin Freeman. Look at that.

Have you met Hugh... Hugh, Hoff, have you, Hef?

Yeah! Yes, I have.

He was helped bring a few girls to Baywatch, like Pamela Anderson.

-Did he?

-Yes.

You rang him up and said, "Hey, Hef, it's the Hoff"?

"Hey, Hef, it's the Hoff!"

Let's find out what Hef wants to know.

Hefner says...

I don't know, but I think

you've misunderstood theword "earmuffs".

Who else have we got?

It's David Beckham. He's a friend of the show. Friend of the last series.

LAUGHTER

Let's see what's next.

Ah, it's time for round one, which is The World Asks.

Let's see who wants to know what.

-Ah, it's the Moulin Rouge.

-Ooh, la, la!

Bonjour from Paris, Rhod.

At the Moulin Rouge, we're curious to know what's more intelligent,

a baby or a dog?

Lloyd, which is more intelligent?

I think a dog is easily more intelligent than a baby.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

Dogs have gone into space, and babies...

LAUGHTER

By that rationale, bottles of water are more intelligent than babies.

-Kimberly, what do you think, a dog or a baby?

-I think a dog.

-Do you?

You can teach a dog to sit,

but you can't teach a baby to sit until they're a bit older.

One thing I'll say in favour of babies is...

You've only got one thing in favour of babies?

Maybe you're not ready for kids!

-They can breathe underwater, can't they?

-Yeah.

No!

-They can!

-They can't!

-They can.

-They can't breathe underwater!

They can! Of course they can. Lots of babies are born underwater.

-No...

-They can't breathe underwater!

-Kimberly, they can breathe underwater!

-They can't!

Haven't you seen birthing pools? A baby's come out...

Have you seen the cover of that Nirvana album?

Babies have a reflex that they hold their breath

when you throw them in water. They haven't got gills!

You blow in their face and dunk them and they hold their breath.

They could only breathe underwater for five or ten minutes.

Any longer than that...

And they lose that ability. You know babies have got no knees?

I'm sorry, they don't come out with totally straight legs.

They have knees. There's a joint.

They don't have kneecaps.

You're saying babies are like meat Slinkys.

Back me up. Babies have no kneecaps.

Do babies have kneecaps? Although it doesn't show on X-rays,

your baby does in fact have kneecaps.

Booyah!

Don't "Booyah" me!

Don't you... I will not be "Booyah"-ed!

They can breathe underwater for a while.

-Right. They can.

-I'm sorry.

Let me make it clear. A baby cannot breathe underwater

for whatever the smallest part of a second is.

Please, people at home, do not experiment with your baby,

using them to lift cars and then plunging them into swimming pools

for half an hour.

If put underwater, babies will open their eyes and hold their breath

in an in-built response known as a mammalian dive reflex.

Except for babies in Wales, which have gills.

That is so racist.

-Hoff.

-Yes?

-Got another fact for us?

How about this? A dog called The Hoff saved his sleeping owner

from a house ablaze.

The Staffordshire bull terrier,

named after Baywatch star David Hasselhoff -

that's me - woke his owner up

and led him safety from his smoke-filled ground-floor flat.

-You've got dogs, haven't you?

-I have seven dogs.

-Eh?

-I rescue dogs a lot.

In a Baywatch kind of way? You run into the sea...?

I support a rescue foundation for dogs

and I end up taking most of them home.

-We've got a picture of you with some of your dogs.

-You do?

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

I'm very close with those dogs!

What exactly were you doing when you rescued those dogs?!

As you can see, I did need two dogs for that shot!

LAUGHTER

Is that a giant schnauzer?

We'd have to move the dog out the way.

LAUGHTER

I think it's an American man-stiff.

APPLAUSE

Who thinks a baby is more intelligent? Hands up.

-You reckon you're more intelligent than a dog?

-Of course.

Would you reckon you could beat a dog

in Blockbusters or Countdown or a daytime quiz?

The only thing I couldn't beat a dog at is herding sheep.

Do you want to take on a dog today?

I know before we've even done this there's going to be a set-up,

but yes, I think I'm brighter than a dog,

and could take them on at any game.

Let's get Jess in, our dog.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That's Jess, your challenger, handled by David.

Look at that. Anyone see that?

No way you'd respond as quickly!

Are you confident you can beat Greg?

Jess, can you beat him?

JESS BARKS

-Twice for yes?

-That was confidence!

He even limbered up. You'd better look out!

Hey, Jess!

Jess is eager to get going.

Out you go to Dog-tionary Corner. You can take on Jess.

APPLAUSE

Just to check, Rhod,

this is entirely random, this collection of letters?

Entirely. We plucked them out of a bag of letters.

-This is in no way set up for me to fail?

-No.

OK. I believe you(!)

-Are you ready, Greg?

-Yes.

-Are you ready, Jess?

JESS BARKS

Start the clock.

COUNTDOWN THEME PLAYS

Well, this is ridiculous!

I'd speed up if I was you!

You know full well there's only one word I can make! No...

-There's no other...

-Of course there is, come on!

-That's not an N, that's a Z!

-You can always make things with...

APPLAUSE

Could you stop there? Greg, could you read out your word, please?

Surprisingly, I was only able to make the word "dog"

out of all my letters.

You could have had "god", it was there.

LAUGHTER

This might be trickier. What is it, Jess?

Oh, a visual clue - "fatso"!

So, I'm announcing that Jess has won, with five letters.

"Fatso", is it there over in Dog-tionary Corner?

Well, Rhod, I'm glad you've asked me.

The word "fatso" is in the dictionary.

In fact, it's just a photo of Greg.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Fatso"! So, Jess is the winner, and Greg has been beaten by a dog.

APPLAUSE

Jess, ladies and gentlemen!

So, David, have we an answer?

Which is more intelligent, a baby or a dog?

We actually have someone on the phone who can help us.

His name is Dr Stanley Coren from the Department of Psychology

at the University of British Columbia.

-Hello, Dr Stanley Coren.

-'Hi, I'm here.

-Hi.

-'Greetings from Vancouver.'

Are you well?

'Am I well? I'm fat and sassy.'

LAUGHTER

You're fat and sassy?

Have we got a wrong number?

Dr Coren, what can you tell us

about which is more intelligent, a baby or...?

The panel was split between people who think it's clearly a baby

and others who think it's clearly a dog.

'Well, it depends on the age of the baby.'

Let's say it was a six-month-old baby versus an adult dog.

'Then the dog is smarter.

'The data says a dog is

'roughly equivalent to a human two-year-old.'

-It's equivalent to a two-year-old?

-'Yes.'

My two-year-old niece can say, "Hello, Uncle Greg."

And my dog Rex, just before he died, when he was 14,

still had only managed, "Woof!"

'Well, it's just he speaks a different language. That's all!'

Could you just sum it up for us, officially?

A dog versus a baby, a dog is the equivalent to a two-year-old baby?

'He's more intelligent than a one year-old

'and not as intelligent as a four-year-old. This is mathematics.'

Thank you very much, Dr Coren, for joining us. That was fascinating.

APPLAUSE

So, girls of the Moulin Rouge, the answer is a dog.

Unlike a baby, they can catch a Frisbee,

suckle at their mother's teat without help

and go outside to go to the toilet.

Mind you, Greg can do some of those things as well. Watch this.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm going to award that round to...

Lloyd, I think, was most helpful. Well done, Lloyd.

APPLAUSE

Let's find out who else has a question for us.

Katy Perry. Lloyd nearly married Katy Perry. How did that not happen?

Tell us the story.

That horrible massive black wart she has on her chin.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Let's hear what Jamie Oliver wants to find out.

Jamie, the answer is, not really. I find cooking a bit like sex.

It's safer to stick to the stuff I know I can do.

The last time I tried something new in the bedroom,

I invalidated the warranty on my George Foreman grill...

..and my girlfriend ended up calling the pizza-delivery guy

to get what she really wanted.

Lady Gaga... Kim...!

Friend of the show, Kim Jong-Il!

-Kim Jong's happy!

-Kim Jong is happy.

Probably.

Oh, it's A Famous Face Asks.

Let's see who we've got.

And it is Tinie Tempah!

How you doing, Rhod?

As a rapper, I use a lot of words in my job,

so my question for you is, how many words do we need?

How many words do you need? David, can you see what you can find out?

-OK. Let's see.

-How many words do we need?

Kimberly, how many words do you use, in total?

To the nearest five.

My guesstimate would be maybe 800.

800? How many words do you reckon we use, Phill?

You need food, you need to not be beaten up,

so you need "please", "no",

"stop doing that", "lager", "food".

How many is that? Five.

Five.

We don't need as many as you think, is what I'm saying.

What word do you find most annoying?

If you get rid of one word, what word would you get rid of?

"Fanny".

LAUGHTER

-And this is why...

-I don't think anyone was expecting that!

LAUGHTER

Get somebody to the Hoff! He needs resuscitating.

It doesn't mean the same thing in the States as it means over here.

Somebody revive the Hoff! Get the jump leads!

I was in the high street shopping, and I was going to

all of these different stores asking for a fanny pack.

And everybody kept laughing at me, every single store.

Somebody finally told me what fanny means over here,

and it's nothing I was ever taught in the States.

Hoff, have you got any information for us about how many words

-we might need and how many we use or anything.

-How about this?

45,437 new words and meanings were added to the latest revision

of the Oxford English Dictionary, including the heart symbol.

According to the global language monitor,

a new word is created every 98 minutes.

Making it 14.7 words per day.

It's kind of sad about that "last word", it never gets finished.

14.7 words a day.

There is one word that's never a "wor...".

It's sad.

The heart symbol isn't a word.

-You can't say a heart symbol.

-You just did, I think.

-You just said it.

-But I wouldn't say I "a heart symbol" you, Hoff.

And I most certainly do!

It would be like because when Prince changed his name

to that squiggle, he was The Artist Formerly Known As Prince,

so it would be I "The Word Formerly Known As Love" You.

Yeah, but we as the public when he changed his name to a symbol

just created a world in its place, didn't we? "Twat".

What do you reckon, Lloyd? Are we using too many words?

I don't think we're using too many words.

New words come out every week, don't they?

Not in Wales. That's an English thing.

English, once a new thing is developed,

you come up with a new word for it.

In Welsh, we just employ old words again. Just recycle them.

Here's an example,

"Microwave".

When the microwave came along in English,

you invented pretty much a new word, "microwave".

Whereas in Welsh, we called it, "popty ping".

It's true. "Popty" means oven.

Microwave in Welsh is "popty ping", ping oven.

But with Welsh, it's more about intonation.

They are so many meanings. OK? (CHEERILY) Allo!

(THREATENINGLY) Allo-o-o-o-o.

-Yeah, you're right.

-(SADLY) Allo.

-You can do that in any language, Phil.

You can do that in French. Le pamplemousse.

(ANGRILY) Le pamplemooooousse!

What could be angry about grapefruit?

I think we should start culling words.

If they haven't been used for three months, get rid of them.

-I think so too.

-Yeah.

I think there's a difference between need and want as well.

I think we could get away with possibly three.

"Hi", "yes" and "no". "Hi" for politeness,

-"yes" and "no" for life.

-Quite limited conversations you'd have then.

It's true, but need is a huge different word than want.

Yeah, but Kimberley, if you go to Wales and hear those three words, (MENACINGLY) Hiiiiii!

-SHE SQUEALS

-Yeeeees! No-o-o-o-o!

For example, fruit.

You don't need all different words for a mandarin, a clementine and a satsuma.

Nobody knows the difference. There is no difference. It's true. Nobody knows the difference.

Do you know, Kimberley, what's the difference between a satsuma a clemetine and a tangerine?

They taste different.

-Do they?

-Yes.

-In that case, those three are fine.

What about a patty and a burger? Don't say they taste different.

They don't. It's two words for the same thing.

Yeah, but what about women called Patti?

I just want to briefly mention "LOL",

because as everybody knows what LOL means in the world,

apart from my mum who thinks that LOL means "lots of love".

I did!

So she'll text me to say "Your dad's not feeling very well today, LOL".

Hoff, have you got any more?

There are many words that have become obsolete!

Hoff, are you struggling to balance in that seat?

-We can get you a pole.

-I've got this. I'm balanced.

There are many words that have been become obsolete.

Some of them are quite unusual.

Do you want to guess what these ones mean?

Go on then, Hoff, give us a word. There we go. Dollymop.

I think that's what happened to that cloned sheep after it died.

You won't know about the cloned sheep.

Isn't it someone who follows Dolly Parton around

in case she has one of her little accidents.

Kimberley, any ideas what a dollymop might have meant

-before it became obsolete.

-A mop on wheels?

Bizarrely, yours is the oddest suggestion.

Does this thing a exist? A mop on wheels?

A dolly exists and a mop exists. I'm thinking how they fit together.

What's a dolly in America, not a kids' doll?

Well, it can be, but a dolly is also a metal thing

that you use for stuff that's really hard to lift.

You put really heavy boxes on.

Did you used to work in a warehouse before Pussycat Dolls?

Yes, absolutely. With my family.

-Did you?

-Yeah!

-Oh, right!

-Hoff, what have we got for dollymop?

-The answer is...

-A part-time prostitute!

-It's not!

Wouldn't it be terrible if the clock went off

and you were like, "Right, that's me".

Next.

Soap dodger!

-Does that phrase exist in America?

-I have never heard of that phrase.

It's obsolete, that's why. Any guesses?

My guess would be something that happens in prison.

The answer is...

One who faked leprosy by putting thick soap on his skin.

Why would you fake leprosy?

I don't know, but they can never win at poker, because they always throw in their hand.

Hoff, are we any closer to finding an answer?

I've found the answer for you.

According to Jim Dollar, from the Basic English institute,

we need just 500 words or sound combinations

to have a language between a closed group of people.

But to get along in a normal, everyday living,

with the general public, you need 850.

-Pretty close.

-I'm going to take that as an answer.

I'm going to award that to Kimberley, cos you were damn close.

-What did you say?

-800.

-It was 850?

Just pulled it from the sky.

Remarkable. So, Tinie Tempah, you asked, how many words we need?

The answer is, about 850.

Next up, it's my quick-fire round, The Audience Asks.

I'm going to get through many questions from the audience

before we hear this noise.

# I'll be ready I'll be there. #

For our quick-fire round, there's no answer button, we're just going to use this little bell.

So, who have we got first?

Anthony McNeill. Where are you? Quick.

It's my quick-fire round. Quick! Get on with it.

My question is, can fish get depressed?

Supposed to be a quick-fire round.

How can we answer that quickly? Can fish get depressed, Hoff?

Yes, because they're always wet.

There's your answer. Yes, they can.

Jane, where are you?

Is it true that humans have an in-built homing mechanism

so you always know where your home is?

No, it's called an address.

Hello!

Del, where are you?

Do you get annoyed at folk at cash machines, who have three or four cards

and not a clue how to use them?

Do we get annoyed at cash points when people have three or four cards and don't know how to use them?

I did once see a guy with a queen of spades.

Do you still go to ATM's, Hoff?

-I'm the person up there with three or four cards.

-Are you?

-I still can't figure that out.

-Hoff's in the machine. How much money would you like?

It'll have to be an even figure.

40 or 60? Not 50.

I only have 20.

Do we get annoyed at people at cash points? Yes, we do. Who's next?

-Alistair, where are you?

-Quick!

-Right, yes, what do you want?

Who invented the cocktail umbrella and why did they do it?

Supposed to be a quick-fire round! Who invented the cocktail umbrella?

-Is it so the ice doesn't melt as fast?

-Yeah, it shades the sun, shades the sun.

That's it. It's so obvious.

People from sunny countries know these things.

You wouldn't know. Scottish, no wonder you didn't know.

-Gordon?

-Why are carrots orange?

-I know the answer to this.

-Go on.

In the 16th century, the Dutch...

..who are obsessed with orange.

I think the political or the monarchy is the House of Orange.

They specifically and aggressively bred orange carrots.

-How do you aggressively breed a carrot?

-Like this.

Get in.

-I'm not sure that would produce a carrot.

-# I'll be there.#

-That's the end.

-Thank God!

We're out of time.

That noise, that delightful sounding medley, we're out of time.

I'm going to award that round to Phil.

Let's see what we've got next.

Oh, it is Our Special Guest Asks.

-Kimberley, do you have a question for us tonight?

-I do.

You know, as a dancer, I do have to watch everything that I eat, what I eat.

But I want to know what food is most likely to kill me?

A live tiger.

-Buzz, not a food.

-It is a food, you can eat anything.

-You can't eat a live tiger.

-You can try and eat a live tiger.

He'll get you first. Self-defence, but he'll get you.

I'll get his tail off, I'll tell you that.

You wouldn't eat a Tiger's tail before he got you.

-I think I'd be able to eat a Tiger's tail before it got me.

-Let's bring in our second guest.

Back to the question.

Hoff, have you any facts that might lead us in any direction?

I have a fact.

One in 20 motorists have crashed or had a near miss

fiddling with food at the wheel.

A packet of crisps is the most dangerous food to eat while driving.

I believe one in 20 motorists have had a crash fiddling with food.

-I don't believe crisps are most dangerous. What about a hog roast?

-I didn't write this!

A fillet of bream and eat it.

We've got a clip of some weird food, Hoff.

-Of weird food?

-Want to see it?

-I'd love to see it.

-Let's roll it.

What is that?

That's the Hoffsicle.

It may take a licking, but it keeps on ticking.

Very strange with people sucking on your head.

Especially when it's got chocolate on it.

-Especially when that person is you.

-It's raspberry.

That was a raspberry Hoffsicle?

-Yes.

-And that exists? It existed?

Yes, it existed until it melted.

-That's incredible.

-Not any more.

Limited run.

Why, David!

Just before we wrap it up with the final answer,

I heard from somebody, I was doing a radio show in Wales,

somebody found a cow's eyelid in a pasty.

-That's disgusting.

-Have you ever found anything disgusting in food?

-I don't think so.

-I have.

A big lump of plastic in the middle of a Kinder Egg.

I'm going to give you a point for that Lloyd, well done.

Greg, can you think of any way how we might determine

what food is most likely to kill you?

-Yes, I think I can, Rhod.

-You've been giving this some thought?

I've given it some thought and if we're going to find out what's the most dangerous food,

we should probably do it scientifically. Why don't we go to the lab.

Welcome to the laboratory.

There's only one way, Rhod, to find out what the most dangerous foods in the world are,

and it's to fire food at Lloyd Langford.

The first thing that we should test,

because it's near the top of the alphabet, is the baguette.

Please welcome, Phil, with his baguette bazooka.

-I'm going to go for his face.

-Experiment number one.

-Fire!

How was that?

It's going to be a really interesting conversation

with my girlfriend, when I tell her why I'm infertile.

Let's see what damage gravy can do, ladies and gentlemen.

In the form of Rhod and Kim's gravy grenades.

What you do Kim...

Try and hit him in the face.

-Shall I go first?

-Please, Rhod.

Lovely.

That's a good one.

We're going to up the stakes here in the laboratory.

What better way to do that, than to bring on the trifle trebuchet.

-Loading, full trifle please.

-Full trifle.

-Got the sprinkles?

-Got the sprinkles.

-Kimberly, sprinkles.

The sprinkles which will surely irritate Lloyd's eye.

-The trifle trebuchet is loaded.

-It's loaded, I'm ready.

-Let Lloyd have trifle.

-Yes, please!

What can possibly be more painful than that?

How about the deadly combination of ice-cream and flakes,

fired at speed from a powerful weapon.

Who could have such a weapon? I'll tell you this.

With the AK-99, it's The Hoff.

-Are you nervous?

-Everybody has a moment.

-This is yours.

-There's the ice cream.

There's the flake!

That's it! The real answer is, it's not food that kills you,

it's the poison in the food. That's pretty much it for tonight.

People of Britain, if you've got a question, you can tweet.

For tonight, it's thanks to Kimberly Wyatt...

Phil Jupitus...

of course the authenticator, David Hasselhoff.

I'm Rhod Gilbert and you can ask me literally anything.

Goodnight.

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