Episode 2 Ask Rhod Gilbert


Episode 2

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Tonight on Ask Rhod Gilbert, our special guests are: He's not here

:00:29.:00:39.
:00:39.:00:40.

to judge, it's Craig Revel Horwood. And the lovely Shappi Khorsandi.

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They're here every week - Greg Davies, Lloyd Langford. Ladies and

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gentleman, Ask Rhod Gilbert. Hello, welcome. Yes my name is Rhod

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Gilbert. Tonight my job is to find the answers to to the questions

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that keep us awake. Like why have trepdy sandwich shops started

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offering a no-bread sandwich. If I was so keen it avoid bread I

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wouldn't have come in in the first place. You can't have a sandwich

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without bread. Hi everyone. Check out this no-bread egg mayonnaise

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sandwich. Check out this no-bread sandwich. Check out this no-bread

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egg mayonnaise sandwich, Greg. Isn't that just a shed load of egg

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mayonnaise, Rhod, I hear you cry. Not at all, open your mind.

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APPLAUSE Do you know what I think? I think

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what's happen sd you've forgotten to order bread and you're trying to

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dress it up as a new idea. You're like someone on Dragon's Den who's

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forgotten to wear trousers and is now naked in front of immediate

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immediate heed trying to convince her you've inventsed the first

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invisible Y-fronts. I like people who call a spade a spade, so just

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tell us what's in it, not what's not. The list of absent ingredients

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is endless. Nobody cares what's not in it. I'm not allergic to "no

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peenuts -- peanuts". I'll have one of your no bread sandwiches, if you

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ask money from my no money wallet. APPLAUSE

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In a world full of ambiguity, we need someone with credibility to

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help us fine the answers to our questions. As always we begin by

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asking, who is tonight's authenticator? She'll need all the

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acumen she shows on Dragon's Den when she sits alongside Hillary,

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Theo and Duncan. We were luck tkwroi get her tonight. She's not

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out, she's in. Tonight's authenticator herself made -- her

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self-made trillion air, Deborah Meaden!

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APPLAUSE Deborah, thank you for coming on

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this show. Thank you for inviting me. Which of those was most

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accurate? I thought Duncan. For a minute I did a double take. We were

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talking earlier, and I asked Lloyd if you'd ever invested in anything.

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Ever? I've never seen you invest. I've watched every episode of the

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show. OK. I'm not believing that because seven series, 30

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investments �2 million. I'm just saying. Deborah, how are you going

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to help us tonight? I'm going to be providing you and the panel with

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all the information you're going to need to answer the questions.

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Wonderful. When I think we have an answer I will do this: Klaxon

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sounds That basically was an oooo for a

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light and a noise. Craig, have you learned anything recreptly? Yes a

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lot of things. How to pledge allegiance to the queen darling, I

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became a British citizen after 22 years. Thank goodness.

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APPLAUSE They're off again. Yes, see. There

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is nothing I don't know now about this country. Have you had to do a

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citizenship test? Yes, life in the UK test. How many Sikhs to Jews.

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What an exchange rate? You need to know all these percentages

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darlingment -- darling. question was what is the heir to

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the throne called, A, the Prince of Britain, B, the Prince of Wales or

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C the artist formerly known as Prince. I genuinely did it and I

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failed because one of the questions said "Where are Scouse and Geordie

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accents urinally heard?" And I put down prisons. -- Usually heard?"

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And I put down prisons. Let's find out who wants to know

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what. Who have we got tonight? Hang on a minute, David Beckham is a

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friend of this show and tends to write in quite a lot of questions.

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What do you want to know this week "Rhod, my mum always said if you

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don't like something you should vote with your feet. But how do I

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get the pen to stay between my toes?"

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APPLAUSE Every week.

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David, David, David. What's next. Oh, it's our first

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My question for you, nice easy one - why do we cry? Why do we cry?

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Deborah, see what can you find out. I will ask our lovely panel.

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Shappi? When women cry, people always assume we're crying over a

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man. My friend's father pass add way. I sat with her in a bar. She

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was sobbing on my shoulder. The waiter said, "Darling, he's not

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worth it." LAUGHTER

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Not any more any way. Are you big a crier, Craig? No. I'm

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not. Are you not? No. I rather enjoy watching other people cry.

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yeah you're Mr Nasty on Strictly. Not just because of that. It's a

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more general interest? It's just a bizarre thing. A vicarious

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pleasure? Yes. Deborah, anything for us? Well how about this: The

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convention of crying comes in three forms, there are basal tears,

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cleansing tears such as removing dust from the eye. Then reflex

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tears, the automatic response to irritation from onions, tear gas or

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a sharp blow to the nose. Finally, psychic tears those are the one

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that's come from emotion. The thing is right, what about the tears when

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you have been caught doing something really wrong and the only

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way you can get out of it... LAUGHTER

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Those are called "women's tears". APPLAUSE

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That's what girls do. Those are crocodile tears and

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that's different. Do you know why they're called that? Because

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they've got no eye lids. Crocodiles have no eyelids. And no

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emotions. They have, they blink. Yeah. What with? But they don't

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blink with their eyes. It's like a special flap. Yeah, eyelids. It's

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almost like a lid that comes down over the eye.

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LAUGHTER If only we could come up with a

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name for it. If only we could find a name. Crocodile flap. Oh, no, no

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eye lashs to protect their eyes. Back to the point. I cry at

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everything. I don't cry in real life at all, ever. I can switch the

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TV on and any outpouring of any emotion and I am tears streaming,

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everything. That's me. Absolutely the same. Never cry in real life

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and sob my heart out over films, TV. What is it? What do you mean you

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never cry in real life, do you climb into the television? I would

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never cry at something that happens to me or anyone I know. I could

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watch you get run over... LAUGHTER

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I could be the one doing the running over and at in point would

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a tear come anywhere near me. If I went home and watched a film, I

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would be streaming. Why wouldn't you cry at me being killed?

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couldn't run you over. Look at the size of you. The car would die.

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never cry at my own life. But I will totally at somebody else's.

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You know when Ellie similar onds won gold in Beijing. -- simond s

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won gold in Beijing. I started crying. Mainly because I bet a lot

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of money on the American. APPLAUSE

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Are you any closer to an answer? We've all been brought to tears by

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onions, but not to fear there's a solution. What you need is the

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onion bully, the no tear way to cut onions all day. Place it in your

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mouth, cut, chop or dice away without a tear. Here's two women

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and two bags of onions. One is using the onion bully. The woman

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without it is a crying disaster. The woman who has the onion bully

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is tear-free and happy. The obvious question off the back

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of that, is would you invest in? think that might be the shortest

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Dragon's Den pitch ever. You think you'd kick it out? Yeah. I love the

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fact that he said the tear-free way to chop onions all day. You're only

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chopping onions all day if you're in a Prisoner of War camp. Some

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chefs might chop all day. That's quite a limited menu.

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French onion soup. APPLAUSE

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I have won deferred -- wondered if you could laugh and cry at the same

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time. I want you to get on the table and get your shoes and socks

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off and we're going to try to make you laugh and cry at the same time.

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Craig is going to try to make you laugh. At the business end, we're

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going to try to make you cry. Craig has a feather duster. I genuinely...

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I hate it. Hold him down. Shappi we need to see if we can make him cry.

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That's it, rub the onions in. your eyes. Is he crying? No, he's

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not. Pull out his nasal hairs with tweezer then. -- tweezers then.

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LAUGHTER I'm so sorry. Is it working? He's

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welling up a little bit. Let's look at this montage to see

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if this helps with the crying. # All by myself... Is that my dog?

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Check his eyes. Where did you get those from?

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mother. Is he crying, check the glands?

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Hang on, oh, poor Rex. I'm not being funny, when you

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showed the Rex thing I genuinely almost welled up a bit at the end.

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Can you cry and laugh at the same time, what would you conclude from

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that? Deborah, are we closer to an

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answer? A doctor, lecturer in the Netherlands, says crying's main

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function is to communicate to others that one needs support or

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comfort. When we feel or for example sadness or joy, facial and

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respiratory muscles are stimulate and tear glands produce tears.

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going to take that as an answer. Yes, so huemans are most likely to

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cry to evoke help, comfort, sometimes maybe to reduce

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aggression, though there are other occasions, Paul Gascoigne overcome

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with emotion at the World Cup. And Lloyd when he got little Lloyd

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trapped in a thresher. He only went in for a bottle of wine. That's the

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tragedy. I'm going to award that round to Lloyd.

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Who else has a question for us tonight? Liam, no question from

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friend of the show Kim Jong Il. "Why did no-one tell me, they'd

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cancelled dress-down Friday? "God bless him.

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Who else has a question tonight? "I hear there have been several big

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cat sightings in Wales, should I risk a holiday there?" There have

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been a few sightings, but people are always spotting stuff like this

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in Wales. It's always a false alarm. I remember a couple of years ago in

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Swansea, somebody spotted a mermaid, it turned out to be a woman

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carrying a fish cake. What have we got next? It's the next round, the

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world asks, let's see who we've got from around the worldment It's a

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hula girl. I'm in the wonderful north shore of Hawaii. Things are

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beautiful here in paradise, but one thing is really troubling me. Could

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you tell me, can animals be evil? Can animals be evil? Deborah can

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you see what you can find out? Can animals be evil? My mum swears that

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there was a wood pigeon in a tree outside her bedroom that tried to

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split her and my dad up. LAUGHTER

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What intentionally? She said she was lying in bed and you know they

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go coo-coo-coo. She listened very carefully and it started to come

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into her brain, and she realised it was going "you should leave him".

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She spent about an hour, saying am I going mad? By the end of it, she

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said it was very clear that it was saying "You should leave him."

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think subconsciously she wanted to leave. It was like when George Bush

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said "God told me to do it." didn't leave him though. They're

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very happy. Craig? Yes. They can. Based on? I was bucked off a horse

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one. What? He said bucked. That sounds like quite a party Craig.

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What did you say Craig? I was bucked off a horse.

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Everyone relax. And I was walk ing across a zebra

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crossing in Paris, and I was attacked by this horrendous,

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ghastly little horrid French dog. Was it a poodle? No it was a chi

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wow wau. -- chihuahua. The woman had it on a lead and was pulling it

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this way, but it was completely attached to my ankle. She was

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trying to yank the chihuahua off you? I had to go to the hospital.

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No-one cares. No-one cares because it's the campest attack story I've

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ever heard in my life. You were attacked by a chihuahua in Paris.

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That could only be camper if you were on your way to the Sex In The

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City premiere. That's the campest story. Has anybody else been ka

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tacked by a chihuahua in gay paris? Deborah, any facts for us? Well dog

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fins and other awe quatic mammals were trained by Russian experts to

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tack warships and enemies with harpoons attached to their backs to

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be taken into captivity. They could undertake kamikaze strikes against

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enemy ships. My friend clifford was telling me a story last week.

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did clifford have to say? He was seriously attacked by a dolphin. It

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grabbed him... In Paris? I don't recall where it was. A dolphin in

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Paris. It was trying to fornicate with him. I'm not joking. They like

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to have sex for fun. For a whole hour. Clifford, he could have got

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up and left. He's 6'4". Immobile, is he? So big he can't move. After

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about half an hour, you'd go... couldn't get away. Just... Deborah?

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I found a VT that backs up the dolphin debate. They seem to be

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:19:41.:20:00.

Is that clifford! Now I totally believe him.

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I am shocked. That is the most sinister episode of Flipper. What's

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that Flip, you've sexually assaulted someone. Deborah, any

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more facts? By the time the Black Death had finished in the 17th

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century, rats and their fleas carrying a bacterial infection had

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killed over 20 million people. And they know they're doing it.

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Rats know they're doing it. rats weren't evil. It was the fleas.

:20:26.:20:30.

The rats were just logistics. They're just transport for the

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fleas, the rats were. Did you know you're never more than 15 inches

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from a rat in London. If you're in a pet shop. You're right, it's

:20:40.:20:45.

further isn't it, feet or something. It's obviously not 15 inches.

:20:45.:20:49.

They're under the floor boards and behind chairs. 15 inches is about

:20:49.:20:54.

this far. All right an experiment, can anybody see a rat? We're not in

:20:54.:21:04.
:21:04.:21:05.

London. Three inches from a rat in Glasgow.

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We have someone on the line who can give us an answer. It's David Ryan

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a clinical animal behaviourist. you there? Yes. What would you do

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if you found Craig Revel Horwood's friend being molested by a dolphin?

:21:20.:21:22.

I think clifford probably should have left earlier.

:21:22.:21:32.
:21:32.:21:36.

Can animals be evil? No, animals can't be evil. Why not? To be

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properly evil you have to be aware that your actions are considered

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evil. Some animals clearly look evil. It's more about our

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perception of what looks evil than the animal's own perception. If you

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ask a Ghazal, he would agree that a crocodile looks evil. A crocodile

:21:55.:22:01.

of the opposite sex might think he looks quite nice. Or even the same

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sex crocodile, David. It's the 21st century. Sorry, the answer is that

:22:08.:22:13.

animals cannot be evil. No, animals can't be evil. I will take that as

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an answer, David, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you.

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I'm going to award that round to Craig.

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Next up it's my quick fire round, the audience asks. I'm going to try

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to get through as many questions as I can before we hear this noise.

:22:40.:22:44.

"For that reason, I'm out." won't bother with the answer button.

:22:44.:22:47.

There's no time. I'm going to use this bell for this round. Quick

:22:47.:22:56.

fire. Right, who have we got? Nadia?

:22:56.:23:06.
:23:06.:23:10.

why do ghosts say "Ooohhh" They go like this... No ooohhh. Everyone,

:23:10.:23:16.

get a grip. It's the wind, it's the wind, it's the wind. What do you

:23:16.:23:19.

mean? It's the wind, whistling through, you know the houses and

:23:19.:23:25.

corridors. That's it, that will have to do. We think it's the wind.

:23:25.:23:31.

Next? Who are you, Margaret? Hello. Why does the sound of a fire engine

:23:31.:23:36.

change when it goes past you. Because it's getting near to you,

:23:36.:23:40.

you birk. Do you not notice as they get

:23:40.:23:46.

nearer all noises get louder. What are you on about? The siren

:23:46.:23:50.

when it's coming towards you it sounds high. When it goes past you,

:23:50.:23:58.

it sounds lower. It's called the dopler effect. Oh, my God there's a

:23:58.:24:04.

load of ghosts. What's that Lloyd? Sound waves

:24:04.:24:07.

change shape the further they get away from the source. It's the

:24:07.:24:15.

dopler effect says Lloyd. That will have to do. Martin? Are sheep still

:24:15.:24:24.

the best animals to... Don't you dare! Joanne? What does the future

:24:24.:24:28.

hold for Britain? LAUGHTER

:24:28.:24:37.

It's a quick-fire round. Let's ask Craig because he's the

:24:37.:24:44.

most recent Briton? What does the future hold Craig? Nothing. Jane?

:24:44.:24:54.
:24:54.:24:56.

Hi, I'm aye huge Donny0s mond fan. -- Donny Osmond fan. Sit down!

:24:56.:24:59.

are blondes supposed to have more fun than brew nets? Because they're

:24:59.:25:05.

tarts. "For that reason, I'm out." We are

:25:05.:25:15.

out of time. We are out of time, but I think we got through quite a

:25:15.:25:20.

lot there. I'm going to award that round to

:25:20.:25:26.

Lloyd for his stunning thingy of the dopler effect. Congraichlaigss.

:25:26.:25:30.

-- congratulations. We've got through nearly all the

:25:30.:25:34.

questions this week. There's time for one more. It is our special

:25:34.:25:40.

guest asks round. Craig, do you have a question for us? I do indeed.

:25:40.:25:46.

Will we ever be able to run 100 metres in five seconds? The reason

:25:46.:25:49.

I'm asking is because I used to run at school. I can't believe that

:25:49.:25:55.

people can run 9.5 or there abouts, why not in five? Surely we should

:25:55.:26:00.

be wanting them to take longer? As a spectacle, value for money, you

:26:00.:26:08.

queue up all day and you wait and it's over in 9.5 seconds. Would you

:26:08.:26:13.

queue at Wimbledon if the final was going to be 9.5 seconds. Admittedly

:26:13.:26:18.

if it's Murray that means it's gone it a tie break. It would be much

:26:18.:26:23.

more interesting if each one of them had a French chihuahua

:26:23.:26:28.

attached. Have you got any facts? The first recorded 100 metre world

:26:28.:26:35.

record was held in 1912 with the time of 10.6. The current record is

:26:35.:26:40.

now 9.58 seconds. They've lopped a second off it. If the person who

:26:40.:26:47.

came last in every race was killed... We would shave more than

:26:47.:26:53.

one second off at the next one. He's got a point. Execute the last

:26:53.:26:57.

placed person. And it's survival of the fittest and you take the

:26:57.:27:02.

slowest out... Of the gene pool. There's a grizzly death plan. A

:27:03.:27:07.

small paddling pool with a very aggressive dolphin in it. You know

:27:07.:27:11.

with greyhounds, they get a rabbit And they chase the rabbit to

:27:11.:27:17.

incentivise them. Why not do that with runners. With what? Food.

:27:17.:27:22.

you suggesting that 100 metre specialists, an athlete who has

:27:22.:27:27.

trained for years is only giving 99% and the only thing they need to

:27:27.:27:32.

tip them over the edge into super fast running is a bloody curry.

:27:32.:27:38.

think Craig's idea. Kill the last one. After the gun goes off they

:27:38.:27:43.

let a tiger out of a cage. Can I pitch my invention to Deborah now.

:27:43.:27:50.

Oh, is that the time? This is a genuine pitch. I've drawn it. I was

:27:50.:27:54.

drawing it on the sofa watching telly like this... Dragon's Den.

:27:54.:27:58.

Yeah, I thought oh, I fancy a lovely drink now. I reached down

:27:58.:28:02.

and grabbed my glass. I realised there was no way I could drink it

:28:02.:28:05.

without spilling it all over myself. Or without losing weight.

:28:05.:28:15.
:28:15.:28:16.

LAUGHTER So I thought I've invented this

:28:16.:28:22.

horizontiglass. It's like a glass with a valve in

:28:22.:28:26.

it, so you don't have to move your neck at all. You pop it on your

:28:26.:28:34.

chest and when you fancy a little drink, and if you like a hot drink

:28:34.:28:37.

there's horizontiflask. I think it's a brilliant idea. I would

:28:37.:28:42.

invest all of my money in it, but there's a but. What's that? You've

:28:42.:28:46.

now put it in the public domain and it's such a brilliant idea thaw

:28:47.:28:54.

can't patent it now. But maybe I have already patented it. But you

:28:54.:29:02.

haven't. Is that what you put into the patent? Have you got a fact for

:29:02.:29:05.

us? One theory suggests due to new training opportunities women will

:29:05.:29:10.

be faster than men in the future. Rubbish.

:29:10.:29:17.

Women will never be faster than men. According to Tala research group at

:29:17.:29:22.

Oxford, if current trends continue the winning women's sprint time at

:29:22.:29:31.

the 2156 Olympics will be 8.079 seconds. Women running it in eight

:29:31.:29:38.

seconds in 2156. Incredibly pretty female athlete called Dave.

:29:38.:29:42.

Greg, can you think of a way that we could find out whether somebody

:29:42.:29:47.

could run 100 metres in five seconds? There's always a way of

:29:47.:29:55.

finding an answer to a question Rhod. Sometimes you have to get

:29:55.:30:03.

scientific. Sometimes you have to go to the lab.

:30:03.:30:10.

Welcome to the lab. Where myself and Professor Lloyd Langford.

:30:10.:30:15.

there Dr David. Will be conducting a highly scientific experiment to

:30:15.:30:19.

see if it's possible to make a human being faster. We want a

:30:19.:30:22.

highly trained athlete, someone at the peak of physical condition so

:30:22.:30:26.

that we can see if it's possible to speed them up using scientific

:30:26.:30:36.
:30:36.:30:37.

methods. So please welcome Rhaler Pladcliff.

:30:37.:30:47.
:30:47.:30:49.

APPLAUSE You will start at a steady pace.

:30:49.:30:54.

Now with the experiment. Professor, what will be the first method we

:30:54.:31:01.

will attempt to speed her up with? I think she could benefit from go-

:31:01.:31:11.
:31:11.:31:15.

faster stripes. Please.

:31:15.:31:20.

Skhrents work. You wait Lloyd. You're going to get

:31:20.:31:27.

it when you get home. One of the things that makes someone run

:31:27.:31:34.

faster is seeing the colour red. Try that. Run faster.

:31:34.:31:41.

Not working. Obviously that's not vivid enough.

:31:41.:31:46.

Oh, no. There seems to be some sort of

:31:46.:31:49.

speeding up. I think she's beginning to flag. She needs some

:31:49.:31:58.

sort of protein. Perhaps some lovely beans Professor.

:31:59.:32:05.

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

:32:05.:32:12.

You're doing very well. This isn't very scientific. This is

:32:12.:32:16.

not scientific. I've checked the gauge, we've hardly achieved any

:32:16.:32:20.

speeding up. We will have to go to extreme methods. We're in touch

:32:20.:32:24.

with a German scientist. I need to set this up properly, before we

:32:24.:32:29.

bring our guest on. Lovely sausages there.

:32:29.:32:34.

Perhaps now we can bring on our German counterpart, see if we can

:32:34.:32:44.
:32:44.:33:01.

Hurry up. I'm going as fast as I can. Humans through genetic

:33:01.:33:06.

engineering would soon have the ability to modify greatly enhanced

:33:06.:33:10.

muscle fibre strength. That's the answer.

:33:11.:33:20.
:33:21.:33:30.

I'm going award that answer because look at the state of me.

:33:30.:33:34.

APPLAUSE That's pretty much it for tonight.

:33:34.:33:41.

So people of Britain, if you've got a question tweet us, but tonight

:33:41.:33:44.

a question tweet us, but tonight it's thanks to Craig Revel Horwood.

:33:44.:33:54.

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