Episode 2 Ask Rhod Gilbert

Tonight on Ask Rhod Gilbert, our special guests are: He's not here

to judge, it's Craig Revel Horwood. And the lovely Shappi Khorsandi.

They're here every week - Greg Davies, Lloyd Langford. Ladies and

gentleman, Ask Rhod Gilbert. Hello, welcome. Yes my name is Rhod

Gilbert. Tonight my job is to find the answers to to the questions

that keep us awake. Like why have trepdy sandwich shops started

offering a no-bread sandwich. If I was so keen it avoid bread I

wouldn't have come in in the first place. You can't have a sandwich

without bread. Hi everyone. Check out this no-bread egg mayonnaise

sandwich. Check out this no-bread sandwich. Check out this no-bread

egg mayonnaise sandwich, Greg. Isn't that just a shed load of egg

mayonnaise, Rhod, I hear you cry. Not at all, open your mind.

APPLAUSE Do you know what I think? I think

what's happen sd you've forgotten to order bread and you're trying to

dress it up as a new idea. You're like someone on Dragon's Den who's

forgotten to wear trousers and is now naked in front of immediate

immediate heed trying to convince her you've inventsed the first

invisible Y-fronts. I like people who call a spade a spade, so just

tell us what's in it, not what's not. The list of absent ingredients

is endless. Nobody cares what's not in it. I'm not allergic to "no

peenuts -- peanuts". I'll have one of your no bread sandwiches, if you

ask money from my no money wallet. APPLAUSE

In a world full of ambiguity, we need someone with credibility to

help us fine the answers to our questions. As always we begin by

asking, who is tonight's authenticator? She'll need all the

acumen she shows on Dragon's Den when she sits alongside Hillary,

Theo and Duncan. We were luck tkwroi get her tonight. She's not

out, she's in. Tonight's authenticator herself made -- her

self-made trillion air, Deborah Meaden!

APPLAUSE Deborah, thank you for coming on

this show. Thank you for inviting me. Which of those was most

accurate? I thought Duncan. For a minute I did a double take. We were

talking earlier, and I asked Lloyd if you'd ever invested in anything.

Ever? I've never seen you invest. I've watched every episode of the

show. OK. I'm not believing that because seven series, 30

investments �2 million. I'm just saying. Deborah, how are you going

to help us tonight? I'm going to be providing you and the panel with

all the information you're going to need to answer the questions.

Wonderful. When I think we have an answer I will do this: Klaxon

sounds That basically was an oooo for a

light and a noise. Craig, have you learned anything recreptly? Yes a

lot of things. How to pledge allegiance to the queen darling, I

became a British citizen after 22 years. Thank goodness.

APPLAUSE They're off again. Yes, see. There

is nothing I don't know now about this country. Have you had to do a

citizenship test? Yes, life in the UK test. How many Sikhs to Jews.

What an exchange rate? You need to know all these percentages

darlingment -- darling. question was what is the heir to

the throne called, A, the Prince of Britain, B, the Prince of Wales or

C the artist formerly known as Prince. I genuinely did it and I

failed because one of the questions said "Where are Scouse and Geordie

accents urinally heard?" And I put down prisons. -- Usually heard?"

And I put down prisons. Let's find out who wants to know

what. Who have we got tonight? Hang on a minute, David Beckham is a

friend of this show and tends to write in quite a lot of questions.

What do you want to know this week "Rhod, my mum always said if you

don't like something you should vote with your feet. But how do I

get the pen to stay between my toes?"

APPLAUSE Every week.

David, David, David. What's next. Oh, it's our first

My question for you, nice easy one - why do we cry? Why do we cry?

Deborah, see what can you find out. I will ask our lovely panel.

Shappi? When women cry, people always assume we're crying over a

man. My friend's father pass add way. I sat with her in a bar. She

was sobbing on my shoulder. The waiter said, "Darling, he's not

worth it." LAUGHTER

Not any more any way. Are you big a crier, Craig? No. I'm

not. Are you not? No. I rather enjoy watching other people cry.

yeah you're Mr Nasty on Strictly. Not just because of that. It's a

more general interest? It's just a bizarre thing. A vicarious

pleasure? Yes. Deborah, anything for us? Well how about this: The

convention of crying comes in three forms, there are basal tears,

cleansing tears such as removing dust from the eye. Then reflex

tears, the automatic response to irritation from onions, tear gas or

a sharp blow to the nose. Finally, psychic tears those are the one

that's come from emotion. The thing is right, what about the tears when

you have been caught doing something really wrong and the only

way you can get out of it... LAUGHTER

Those are called "women's tears". APPLAUSE

That's what girls do. Those are crocodile tears and

that's different. Do you know why they're called that? Because

they've got no eye lids. Crocodiles have no eyelids. And no

emotions. They have, they blink. Yeah. What with? But they don't

blink with their eyes. It's like a special flap. Yeah, eyelids. It's

almost like a lid that comes down over the eye.

LAUGHTER If only we could come up with a

name for it. If only we could find a name. Crocodile flap. Oh, no, no

eye lashs to protect their eyes. Back to the point. I cry at

everything. I don't cry in real life at all, ever. I can switch the

TV on and any outpouring of any emotion and I am tears streaming,

everything. That's me. Absolutely the same. Never cry in real life

and sob my heart out over films, TV. What is it? What do you mean you

never cry in real life, do you climb into the television? I would

never cry at something that happens to me or anyone I know. I could

watch you get run over... LAUGHTER

I could be the one doing the running over and at in point would

a tear come anywhere near me. If I went home and watched a film, I

would be streaming. Why wouldn't you cry at me being killed?

couldn't run you over. Look at the size of you. The car would die.

never cry at my own life. But I will totally at somebody else's.

You know when Ellie similar onds won gold in Beijing. -- simond s

won gold in Beijing. I started crying. Mainly because I bet a lot

of money on the American. APPLAUSE

Are you any closer to an answer? We've all been brought to tears by

onions, but not to fear there's a solution. What you need is the

onion bully, the no tear way to cut onions all day. Place it in your

mouth, cut, chop or dice away without a tear. Here's two women

and two bags of onions. One is using the onion bully. The woman

without it is a crying disaster. The woman who has the onion bully

is tear-free and happy. The obvious question off the back

of that, is would you invest in? think that might be the shortest

Dragon's Den pitch ever. You think you'd kick it out? Yeah. I love the

fact that he said the tear-free way to chop onions all day. You're only

chopping onions all day if you're in a Prisoner of War camp. Some

chefs might chop all day. That's quite a limited menu.

French onion soup. APPLAUSE

I have won deferred -- wondered if you could laugh and cry at the same

time. I want you to get on the table and get your shoes and socks

off and we're going to try to make you laugh and cry at the same time.

Craig is going to try to make you laugh. At the business end, we're

going to try to make you cry. Craig has a feather duster. I genuinely...

I hate it. Hold him down. Shappi we need to see if we can make him cry.

That's it, rub the onions in. your eyes. Is he crying? No, he's

not. Pull out his nasal hairs with tweezer then. -- tweezers then.

LAUGHTER I'm so sorry. Is it working? He's

welling up a little bit. Let's look at this montage to see

if this helps with the crying. # All by myself... Is that my dog?

Check his eyes. Where did you get those from?

mother. Is he crying, check the glands?

Hang on, oh, poor Rex. I'm not being funny, when you

showed the Rex thing I genuinely almost welled up a bit at the end.

Can you cry and laugh at the same time, what would you conclude from

that? Deborah, are we closer to an

answer? A doctor, lecturer in the Netherlands, says crying's main

function is to communicate to others that one needs support or

comfort. When we feel or for example sadness or joy, facial and

respiratory muscles are stimulate and tear glands produce tears.

going to take that as an answer. Yes, so huemans are most likely to

cry to evoke help, comfort, sometimes maybe to reduce

aggression, though there are other occasions, Paul Gascoigne overcome

with emotion at the World Cup. And Lloyd when he got little Lloyd

trapped in a thresher. He only went in for a bottle of wine. That's the

tragedy. I'm going to award that round to Lloyd.

Who else has a question for us tonight? Liam, no question from

friend of the show Kim Jong Il. "Why did no-one tell me, they'd

cancelled dress-down Friday? "God bless him.

Who else has a question tonight? "I hear there have been several big

cat sightings in Wales, should I risk a holiday there?" There have

been a few sightings, but people are always spotting stuff like this

in Wales. It's always a false alarm. I remember a couple of years ago in

Swansea, somebody spotted a mermaid, it turned out to be a woman

carrying a fish cake. What have we got next? It's the next round, the

world asks, let's see who we've got from around the worldment It's a

hula girl. I'm in the wonderful north shore of Hawaii. Things are

beautiful here in paradise, but one thing is really troubling me. Could

you tell me, can animals be evil? Can animals be evil? Deborah can

you see what you can find out? Can animals be evil? My mum swears that

there was a wood pigeon in a tree outside her bedroom that tried to

split her and my dad up. LAUGHTER

What intentionally? She said she was lying in bed and you know they

go coo-coo-coo. She listened very carefully and it started to come

into her brain, and she realised it was going "you should leave him".

She spent about an hour, saying am I going mad? By the end of it, she

said it was very clear that it was saying "You should leave him."

think subconsciously she wanted to leave. It was like when George Bush

said "God told me to do it." didn't leave him though. They're

very happy. Craig? Yes. They can. Based on? I was bucked off a horse

one. What? He said bucked. That sounds like quite a party Craig.

What did you say Craig? I was bucked off a horse.

Everyone relax. And I was walk ing across a zebra

crossing in Paris, and I was attacked by this horrendous,

ghastly little horrid French dog. Was it a poodle? No it was a chi

wow wau. -- chihuahua. The woman had it on a lead and was pulling it

this way, but it was completely attached to my ankle. She was

trying to yank the chihuahua off you? I had to go to the hospital.

No-one cares. No-one cares because it's the campest attack story I've

ever heard in my life. You were attacked by a chihuahua in Paris.

That could only be camper if you were on your way to the Sex In The

City premiere. That's the campest story. Has anybody else been ka

tacked by a chihuahua in gay paris? Deborah, any facts for us? Well dog

fins and other awe quatic mammals were trained by Russian experts to

tack warships and enemies with harpoons attached to their backs to

be taken into captivity. They could undertake kamikaze strikes against

enemy ships. My friend clifford was telling me a story last week.

did clifford have to say? He was seriously attacked by a dolphin. It

grabbed him... In Paris? I don't recall where it was. A dolphin in

Paris. It was trying to fornicate with him. I'm not joking. They like

to have sex for fun. For a whole hour. Clifford, he could have got

up and left. He's 6'4". Immobile, is he? So big he can't move. After

about half an hour, you'd go... couldn't get away. Just... Deborah?

I found a VT that backs up the dolphin debate. They seem to be

Is that clifford! Now I totally believe him.

I am shocked. That is the most sinister episode of Flipper. What's

that Flip, you've sexually assaulted someone. Deborah, any

more facts? By the time the Black Death had finished in the 17th

century, rats and their fleas carrying a bacterial infection had

killed over 20 million people. And they know they're doing it.

Rats know they're doing it. rats weren't evil. It was the fleas.

The rats were just logistics. They're just transport for the

fleas, the rats were. Did you know you're never more than 15 inches

from a rat in London. If you're in a pet shop. You're right, it's

further isn't it, feet or something. It's obviously not 15 inches.

They're under the floor boards and behind chairs. 15 inches is about

this far. All right an experiment, can anybody see a rat? We're not in

London. Three inches from a rat in Glasgow.

We have someone on the line who can give us an answer. It's David Ryan

a clinical animal behaviourist. you there? Yes. What would you do

if you found Craig Revel Horwood's friend being molested by a dolphin?

I think clifford probably should have left earlier.

Can animals be evil? No, animals can't be evil. Why not? To be

properly evil you have to be aware that your actions are considered

evil. Some animals clearly look evil. It's more about our

perception of what looks evil than the animal's own perception. If you

ask a Ghazal, he would agree that a crocodile looks evil. A crocodile

of the opposite sex might think he looks quite nice. Or even the same

sex crocodile, David. It's the 21st century. Sorry, the answer is that

animals cannot be evil. No, animals can't be evil. I will take that as

an answer, David, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you.

I'm going to award that round to Craig.

Next up it's my quick fire round, the audience asks. I'm going to try

to get through as many questions as I can before we hear this noise.

"For that reason, I'm out." won't bother with the answer button.

There's no time. I'm going to use this bell for this round. Quick

fire. Right, who have we got? Nadia?

why do ghosts say "Ooohhh" They go like this... No ooohhh. Everyone,

get a grip. It's the wind, it's the wind, it's the wind. What do you

mean? It's the wind, whistling through, you know the houses and

corridors. That's it, that will have to do. We think it's the wind.

Next? Who are you, Margaret? Hello. Why does the sound of a fire engine

change when it goes past you. Because it's getting near to you,

you birk. Do you not notice as they get

nearer all noises get louder. What are you on about? The siren

when it's coming towards you it sounds high. When it goes past you,

it sounds lower. It's called the dopler effect. Oh, my God there's a

load of ghosts. What's that Lloyd? Sound waves

change shape the further they get away from the source. It's the

dopler effect says Lloyd. That will have to do. Martin? Are sheep still

the best animals to... Don't you dare! Joanne? What does the future

hold for Britain? LAUGHTER

It's a quick-fire round. Let's ask Craig because he's the

most recent Briton? What does the future hold Craig? Nothing. Jane?

Hi, I'm aye huge Donny0s mond fan. -- Donny Osmond fan. Sit down!

are blondes supposed to have more fun than brew nets? Because they're

tarts. "For that reason, I'm out." We are

out of time. We are out of time, but I think we got through quite a

lot there. I'm going to award that round to

Lloyd for his stunning thingy of the dopler effect. Congraichlaigss.

-- congratulations. We've got through nearly all the

questions this week. There's time for one more. It is our special

guest asks round. Craig, do you have a question for us? I do indeed.

Will we ever be able to run 100 metres in five seconds? The reason

I'm asking is because I used to run at school. I can't believe that

people can run 9.5 or there abouts, why not in five? Surely we should

be wanting them to take longer? As a spectacle, value for money, you

queue up all day and you wait and it's over in 9.5 seconds. Would you

queue at Wimbledon if the final was going to be 9.5 seconds. Admittedly

if it's Murray that means it's gone it a tie break. It would be much

more interesting if each one of them had a French chihuahua

attached. Have you got any facts? The first recorded 100 metre world

record was held in 1912 with the time of 10.6. The current record is

now 9.58 seconds. They've lopped a second off it. If the person who

came last in every race was killed... We would shave more than

one second off at the next one. He's got a point. Execute the last

placed person. And it's survival of the fittest and you take the

slowest out... Of the gene pool. There's a grizzly death plan. A

small paddling pool with a very aggressive dolphin in it. You know

with greyhounds, they get a rabbit And they chase the rabbit to

incentivise them. Why not do that with runners. With what? Food.

you suggesting that 100 metre specialists, an athlete who has

trained for years is only giving 99% and the only thing they need to

tip them over the edge into super fast running is a bloody curry.

think Craig's idea. Kill the last one. After the gun goes off they

let a tiger out of a cage. Can I pitch my invention to Deborah now.

Oh, is that the time? This is a genuine pitch. I've drawn it. I was

drawing it on the sofa watching telly like this... Dragon's Den.

Yeah, I thought oh, I fancy a lovely drink now. I reached down

and grabbed my glass. I realised there was no way I could drink it

without spilling it all over myself. Or without losing weight.

LAUGHTER So I thought I've invented this

horizontiglass. It's like a glass with a valve in

it, so you don't have to move your neck at all. You pop it on your

chest and when you fancy a little drink, and if you like a hot drink

there's horizontiflask. I think it's a brilliant idea. I would

invest all of my money in it, but there's a but. What's that? You've

now put it in the public domain and it's such a brilliant idea thaw

can't patent it now. But maybe I have already patented it. But you

haven't. Is that what you put into the patent? Have you got a fact for

us? One theory suggests due to new training opportunities women will

be faster than men in the future. Rubbish.

Women will never be faster than men. According to Tala research group at

Oxford, if current trends continue the winning women's sprint time at

the 2156 Olympics will be 8.079 seconds. Women running it in eight

seconds in 2156. Incredibly pretty female athlete called Dave.

Greg, can you think of a way that we could find out whether somebody

could run 100 metres in five seconds? There's always a way of

finding an answer to a question Rhod. Sometimes you have to get

scientific. Sometimes you have to go to the lab.

Welcome to the lab. Where myself and Professor Lloyd Langford.

there Dr David. Will be conducting a highly scientific experiment to

see if it's possible to make a human being faster. We want a

highly trained athlete, someone at the peak of physical condition so

that we can see if it's possible to speed them up using scientific

methods. So please welcome Rhaler Pladcliff.

APPLAUSE You will start at a steady pace.

Now with the experiment. Professor, what will be the first method we

will attempt to speed her up with? I think she could benefit from go-

faster stripes. Please.

Skhrents work. You wait Lloyd. You're going to get

it when you get home. One of the things that makes someone run

faster is seeing the colour red. Try that. Run faster.

Not working. Obviously that's not vivid enough.

Oh, no. There seems to be some sort of

speeding up. I think she's beginning to flag. She needs some

sort of protein. Perhaps some lovely beans Professor.

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

You're doing very well. This isn't very scientific. This is

not scientific. I've checked the gauge, we've hardly achieved any

speeding up. We will have to go to extreme methods. We're in touch

with a German scientist. I need to set this up properly, before we

bring our guest on. Lovely sausages there.

Perhaps now we can bring on our German counterpart, see if we can

Hurry up. I'm going as fast as I can. Humans through genetic

engineering would soon have the ability to modify greatly enhanced

muscle fibre strength. That's the answer.

I'm going award that answer because look at the state of me.

APPLAUSE That's pretty much it for tonight.

So people of Britain, if you've got a question tweet us, but tonight

a question tweet us, but tonight it's thanks to Craig Revel Horwood.