Episode 2 Ask Rhod Gilbert

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Tonight on Ask Rhod Gilbert, our special guests are: He's not here


to judge, it's Craig Revel Horwood. And the lovely Shappi Khorsandi.


They're here every week - Greg Davies, Lloyd Langford. Ladies and


gentleman, Ask Rhod Gilbert. Hello, welcome. Yes my name is Rhod


Gilbert. Tonight my job is to find the answers to to the questions


that keep us awake. Like why have trepdy sandwich shops started


offering a no-bread sandwich. If I was so keen it avoid bread I


wouldn't have come in in the first place. You can't have a sandwich


without bread. Hi everyone. Check out this no-bread egg mayonnaise


sandwich. Check out this no-bread sandwich. Check out this no-bread


egg mayonnaise sandwich, Greg. Isn't that just a shed load of egg


mayonnaise, Rhod, I hear you cry. Not at all, open your mind.


APPLAUSE Do you know what I think? I think


what's happen sd you've forgotten to order bread and you're trying to


dress it up as a new idea. You're like someone on Dragon's Den who's


forgotten to wear trousers and is now naked in front of immediate


immediate heed trying to convince her you've inventsed the first


invisible Y-fronts. I like people who call a spade a spade, so just


tell us what's in it, not what's not. The list of absent ingredients


is endless. Nobody cares what's not in it. I'm not allergic to "no


peenuts -- peanuts". I'll have one of your no bread sandwiches, if you


ask money from my no money wallet. APPLAUSE


In a world full of ambiguity, we need someone with credibility to


help us fine the answers to our questions. As always we begin by


asking, who is tonight's authenticator? She'll need all the


acumen she shows on Dragon's Den when she sits alongside Hillary,


Theo and Duncan. We were luck tkwroi get her tonight. She's not


out, she's in. Tonight's authenticator herself made -- her


self-made trillion air, Deborah Meaden!


APPLAUSE Deborah, thank you for coming on


this show. Thank you for inviting me. Which of those was most


accurate? I thought Duncan. For a minute I did a double take. We were


talking earlier, and I asked Lloyd if you'd ever invested in anything.


Ever? I've never seen you invest. I've watched every episode of the


show. OK. I'm not believing that because seven series, 30


investments �2 million. I'm just saying. Deborah, how are you going


to help us tonight? I'm going to be providing you and the panel with


all the information you're going to need to answer the questions.


Wonderful. When I think we have an answer I will do this: Klaxon


sounds That basically was an oooo for a


light and a noise. Craig, have you learned anything recreptly? Yes a


lot of things. How to pledge allegiance to the queen darling, I


became a British citizen after 22 years. Thank goodness.


APPLAUSE They're off again. Yes, see. There


is nothing I don't know now about this country. Have you had to do a


citizenship test? Yes, life in the UK test. How many Sikhs to Jews.


What an exchange rate? You need to know all these percentages


darlingment -- darling. question was what is the heir to


the throne called, A, the Prince of Britain, B, the Prince of Wales or


C the artist formerly known as Prince. I genuinely did it and I


failed because one of the questions said "Where are Scouse and Geordie


accents urinally heard?" And I put down prisons. -- Usually heard?"


And I put down prisons. Let's find out who wants to know


what. Who have we got tonight? Hang on a minute, David Beckham is a


friend of this show and tends to write in quite a lot of questions.


What do you want to know this week "Rhod, my mum always said if you


don't like something you should vote with your feet. But how do I


get the pen to stay between my toes?"


APPLAUSE Every week.


David, David, David. What's next. Oh, it's our first


My question for you, nice easy one - why do we cry? Why do we cry?


Deborah, see what can you find out. I will ask our lovely panel.


Shappi? When women cry, people always assume we're crying over a


man. My friend's father pass add way. I sat with her in a bar. She


was sobbing on my shoulder. The waiter said, "Darling, he's not


worth it." LAUGHTER


Not any more any way. Are you big a crier, Craig? No. I'm


not. Are you not? No. I rather enjoy watching other people cry.


yeah you're Mr Nasty on Strictly. Not just because of that. It's a


more general interest? It's just a bizarre thing. A vicarious


pleasure? Yes. Deborah, anything for us? Well how about this: The


convention of crying comes in three forms, there are basal tears,


cleansing tears such as removing dust from the eye. Then reflex


tears, the automatic response to irritation from onions, tear gas or


a sharp blow to the nose. Finally, psychic tears those are the one


that's come from emotion. The thing is right, what about the tears when


you have been caught doing something really wrong and the only


way you can get out of it... LAUGHTER


Those are called "women's tears". APPLAUSE


That's what girls do. Those are crocodile tears and


that's different. Do you know why they're called that? Because


they've got no eye lids. Crocodiles have no eyelids. And no


emotions. They have, they blink. Yeah. What with? But they don't


blink with their eyes. It's like a special flap. Yeah, eyelids. It's


almost like a lid that comes down over the eye.


LAUGHTER If only we could come up with a


name for it. If only we could find a name. Crocodile flap. Oh, no, no


eye lashs to protect their eyes. Back to the point. I cry at


everything. I don't cry in real life at all, ever. I can switch the


TV on and any outpouring of any emotion and I am tears streaming,


everything. That's me. Absolutely the same. Never cry in real life


and sob my heart out over films, TV. What is it? What do you mean you


never cry in real life, do you climb into the television? I would


never cry at something that happens to me or anyone I know. I could


watch you get run over... LAUGHTER


I could be the one doing the running over and at in point would


a tear come anywhere near me. If I went home and watched a film, I


would be streaming. Why wouldn't you cry at me being killed?


couldn't run you over. Look at the size of you. The car would die.


never cry at my own life. But I will totally at somebody else's.


You know when Ellie similar onds won gold in Beijing. -- simond s


won gold in Beijing. I started crying. Mainly because I bet a lot


of money on the American. APPLAUSE


Are you any closer to an answer? We've all been brought to tears by


onions, but not to fear there's a solution. What you need is the


onion bully, the no tear way to cut onions all day. Place it in your


mouth, cut, chop or dice away without a tear. Here's two women


and two bags of onions. One is using the onion bully. The woman


without it is a crying disaster. The woman who has the onion bully


is tear-free and happy. The obvious question off the back


of that, is would you invest in? think that might be the shortest


Dragon's Den pitch ever. You think you'd kick it out? Yeah. I love the


fact that he said the tear-free way to chop onions all day. You're only


chopping onions all day if you're in a Prisoner of War camp. Some


chefs might chop all day. That's quite a limited menu.


French onion soup. APPLAUSE


I have won deferred -- wondered if you could laugh and cry at the same


time. I want you to get on the table and get your shoes and socks


off and we're going to try to make you laugh and cry at the same time.


Craig is going to try to make you laugh. At the business end, we're


going to try to make you cry. Craig has a feather duster. I genuinely...


I hate it. Hold him down. Shappi we need to see if we can make him cry.


That's it, rub the onions in. your eyes. Is he crying? No, he's


not. Pull out his nasal hairs with tweezer then. -- tweezers then.


LAUGHTER I'm so sorry. Is it working? He's


welling up a little bit. Let's look at this montage to see


if this helps with the crying. # All by myself... Is that my dog?


Check his eyes. Where did you get those from?


mother. Is he crying, check the glands?


Hang on, oh, poor Rex. I'm not being funny, when you


showed the Rex thing I genuinely almost welled up a bit at the end.


Can you cry and laugh at the same time, what would you conclude from


that? Deborah, are we closer to an


answer? A doctor, lecturer in the Netherlands, says crying's main


function is to communicate to others that one needs support or


comfort. When we feel or for example sadness or joy, facial and


respiratory muscles are stimulate and tear glands produce tears.


going to take that as an answer. Yes, so huemans are most likely to


cry to evoke help, comfort, sometimes maybe to reduce


aggression, though there are other occasions, Paul Gascoigne overcome


with emotion at the World Cup. And Lloyd when he got little Lloyd


trapped in a thresher. He only went in for a bottle of wine. That's the


tragedy. I'm going to award that round to Lloyd.


Who else has a question for us tonight? Liam, no question from


friend of the show Kim Jong Il. "Why did no-one tell me, they'd


cancelled dress-down Friday? "God bless him.


Who else has a question tonight? "I hear there have been several big


cat sightings in Wales, should I risk a holiday there?" There have


been a few sightings, but people are always spotting stuff like this


in Wales. It's always a false alarm. I remember a couple of years ago in


Swansea, somebody spotted a mermaid, it turned out to be a woman


carrying a fish cake. What have we got next? It's the next round, the


world asks, let's see who we've got from around the worldment It's a


hula girl. I'm in the wonderful north shore of Hawaii. Things are


beautiful here in paradise, but one thing is really troubling me. Could


you tell me, can animals be evil? Can animals be evil? Deborah can


you see what you can find out? Can animals be evil? My mum swears that


there was a wood pigeon in a tree outside her bedroom that tried to


split her and my dad up. LAUGHTER


What intentionally? She said she was lying in bed and you know they


go coo-coo-coo. She listened very carefully and it started to come


into her brain, and she realised it was going "you should leave him".


She spent about an hour, saying am I going mad? By the end of it, she


said it was very clear that it was saying "You should leave him."


think subconsciously she wanted to leave. It was like when George Bush


said "God told me to do it." didn't leave him though. They're


very happy. Craig? Yes. They can. Based on? I was bucked off a horse


one. What? He said bucked. That sounds like quite a party Craig.


What did you say Craig? I was bucked off a horse.


Everyone relax. And I was walk ing across a zebra


crossing in Paris, and I was attacked by this horrendous,


ghastly little horrid French dog. Was it a poodle? No it was a chi


wow wau. -- chihuahua. The woman had it on a lead and was pulling it


this way, but it was completely attached to my ankle. She was


trying to yank the chihuahua off you? I had to go to the hospital.


No-one cares. No-one cares because it's the campest attack story I've


ever heard in my life. You were attacked by a chihuahua in Paris.


That could only be camper if you were on your way to the Sex In The


City premiere. That's the campest story. Has anybody else been ka


tacked by a chihuahua in gay paris? Deborah, any facts for us? Well dog


fins and other awe quatic mammals were trained by Russian experts to


tack warships and enemies with harpoons attached to their backs to


be taken into captivity. They could undertake kamikaze strikes against


enemy ships. My friend clifford was telling me a story last week.


did clifford have to say? He was seriously attacked by a dolphin. It


grabbed him... In Paris? I don't recall where it was. A dolphin in


Paris. It was trying to fornicate with him. I'm not joking. They like


to have sex for fun. For a whole hour. Clifford, he could have got


up and left. He's 6'4". Immobile, is he? So big he can't move. After


about half an hour, you'd go... couldn't get away. Just... Deborah?


I found a VT that backs up the dolphin debate. They seem to be


Is that clifford! Now I totally believe him.


I am shocked. That is the most sinister episode of Flipper. What's


that Flip, you've sexually assaulted someone. Deborah, any


more facts? By the time the Black Death had finished in the 17th


century, rats and their fleas carrying a bacterial infection had


killed over 20 million people. And they know they're doing it.


Rats know they're doing it. rats weren't evil. It was the fleas.


The rats were just logistics. They're just transport for the


fleas, the rats were. Did you know you're never more than 15 inches


from a rat in London. If you're in a pet shop. You're right, it's


further isn't it, feet or something. It's obviously not 15 inches.


They're under the floor boards and behind chairs. 15 inches is about


this far. All right an experiment, can anybody see a rat? We're not in


London. Three inches from a rat in Glasgow.


We have someone on the line who can give us an answer. It's David Ryan


a clinical animal behaviourist. you there? Yes. What would you do


if you found Craig Revel Horwood's friend being molested by a dolphin?


I think clifford probably should have left earlier.


Can animals be evil? No, animals can't be evil. Why not? To be


properly evil you have to be aware that your actions are considered


evil. Some animals clearly look evil. It's more about our


perception of what looks evil than the animal's own perception. If you


ask a Ghazal, he would agree that a crocodile looks evil. A crocodile


of the opposite sex might think he looks quite nice. Or even the same


sex crocodile, David. It's the 21st century. Sorry, the answer is that


animals cannot be evil. No, animals can't be evil. I will take that as


an answer, David, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you.


I'm going to award that round to Craig.


Next up it's my quick fire round, the audience asks. I'm going to try


to get through as many questions as I can before we hear this noise.


"For that reason, I'm out." won't bother with the answer button.


There's no time. I'm going to use this bell for this round. Quick


fire. Right, who have we got? Nadia?


why do ghosts say "Ooohhh" They go like this... No ooohhh. Everyone,


get a grip. It's the wind, it's the wind, it's the wind. What do you


mean? It's the wind, whistling through, you know the houses and


corridors. That's it, that will have to do. We think it's the wind.


Next? Who are you, Margaret? Hello. Why does the sound of a fire engine


change when it goes past you. Because it's getting near to you,


you birk. Do you not notice as they get


nearer all noises get louder. What are you on about? The siren


when it's coming towards you it sounds high. When it goes past you,


it sounds lower. It's called the dopler effect. Oh, my God there's a


load of ghosts. What's that Lloyd? Sound waves


change shape the further they get away from the source. It's the


dopler effect says Lloyd. That will have to do. Martin? Are sheep still


the best animals to... Don't you dare! Joanne? What does the future


hold for Britain? LAUGHTER


It's a quick-fire round. Let's ask Craig because he's the


most recent Briton? What does the future hold Craig? Nothing. Jane?


Hi, I'm aye huge Donny0s mond fan. -- Donny Osmond fan. Sit down!


are blondes supposed to have more fun than brew nets? Because they're


tarts. "For that reason, I'm out." We are


out of time. We are out of time, but I think we got through quite a


lot there. I'm going to award that round to


Lloyd for his stunning thingy of the dopler effect. Congraichlaigss.


-- congratulations. We've got through nearly all the


questions this week. There's time for one more. It is our special


guest asks round. Craig, do you have a question for us? I do indeed.


Will we ever be able to run 100 metres in five seconds? The reason


I'm asking is because I used to run at school. I can't believe that


people can run 9.5 or there abouts, why not in five? Surely we should


be wanting them to take longer? As a spectacle, value for money, you


queue up all day and you wait and it's over in 9.5 seconds. Would you


queue at Wimbledon if the final was going to be 9.5 seconds. Admittedly


if it's Murray that means it's gone it a tie break. It would be much


more interesting if each one of them had a French chihuahua


attached. Have you got any facts? The first recorded 100 metre world


record was held in 1912 with the time of 10.6. The current record is


now 9.58 seconds. They've lopped a second off it. If the person who


came last in every race was killed... We would shave more than


one second off at the next one. He's got a point. Execute the last


placed person. And it's survival of the fittest and you take the


slowest out... Of the gene pool. There's a grizzly death plan. A


small paddling pool with a very aggressive dolphin in it. You know


with greyhounds, they get a rabbit And they chase the rabbit to


incentivise them. Why not do that with runners. With what? Food.


you suggesting that 100 metre specialists, an athlete who has


trained for years is only giving 99% and the only thing they need to


tip them over the edge into super fast running is a bloody curry.


think Craig's idea. Kill the last one. After the gun goes off they


let a tiger out of a cage. Can I pitch my invention to Deborah now.


Oh, is that the time? This is a genuine pitch. I've drawn it. I was


drawing it on the sofa watching telly like this... Dragon's Den.


Yeah, I thought oh, I fancy a lovely drink now. I reached down


and grabbed my glass. I realised there was no way I could drink it


without spilling it all over myself. Or without losing weight.


LAUGHTER So I thought I've invented this


horizontiglass. It's like a glass with a valve in


it, so you don't have to move your neck at all. You pop it on your


chest and when you fancy a little drink, and if you like a hot drink


there's horizontiflask. I think it's a brilliant idea. I would


invest all of my money in it, but there's a but. What's that? You've


now put it in the public domain and it's such a brilliant idea thaw


can't patent it now. But maybe I have already patented it. But you


haven't. Is that what you put into the patent? Have you got a fact for


us? One theory suggests due to new training opportunities women will


be faster than men in the future. Rubbish.


Women will never be faster than men. According to Tala research group at


Oxford, if current trends continue the winning women's sprint time at


the 2156 Olympics will be 8.079 seconds. Women running it in eight


seconds in 2156. Incredibly pretty female athlete called Dave.


Greg, can you think of a way that we could find out whether somebody


could run 100 metres in five seconds? There's always a way of


finding an answer to a question Rhod. Sometimes you have to get


scientific. Sometimes you have to go to the lab.


Welcome to the lab. Where myself and Professor Lloyd Langford.


there Dr David. Will be conducting a highly scientific experiment to


see if it's possible to make a human being faster. We want a


highly trained athlete, someone at the peak of physical condition so


that we can see if it's possible to speed them up using scientific


methods. So please welcome Rhaler Pladcliff.


APPLAUSE You will start at a steady pace.


Now with the experiment. Professor, what will be the first method we


will attempt to speed her up with? I think she could benefit from go-


faster stripes. Please.


Skhrents work. You wait Lloyd. You're going to get


it when you get home. One of the things that makes someone run


faster is seeing the colour red. Try that. Run faster.


Not working. Obviously that's not vivid enough.


Oh, no. There seems to be some sort of


speeding up. I think she's beginning to flag. She needs some


sort of protein. Perhaps some lovely beans Professor.




You're doing very well. This isn't very scientific. This is


not scientific. I've checked the gauge, we've hardly achieved any


speeding up. We will have to go to extreme methods. We're in touch


with a German scientist. I need to set this up properly, before we


bring our guest on. Lovely sausages there.


Perhaps now we can bring on our German counterpart, see if we can


Hurry up. I'm going as fast as I can. Humans through genetic


engineering would soon have the ability to modify greatly enhanced


muscle fibre strength. That's the answer.


I'm going award that answer because look at the state of me.


APPLAUSE That's pretty much it for tonight.


So people of Britain, if you've got a question tweet us, but tonight


a question tweet us, but tonight it's thanks to Craig Revel Horwood.


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