Episode 3 Ask Rhod Gilbert


Episode 3

Rhod Gilbert is joined by John Prescott, Edith Bowman and Russell Kane in his comedic search for answers to some more of the world's most intriguing questions.


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Transcript


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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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Tonight on Ask Rhod Gilbert, our special guests are...

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Don't hang the DJ - it's...

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And with the best hair in comedy...

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They're here every week - it's...

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Ladies and gentlemen, Ask Rhod Gilbert!

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, hello, hello. Welcome.

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I'm Rhod Gilbert and tonight my job is to find the answers

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to the questions that keep us all awake at night.

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Question like, "Why do people give their toilet a nautical theme?"

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Anchors on the shower curtains,

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shells on the cistern, blue everything.

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Why would fish want to be immortalised in your transparent toilet seat?

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How would you like to spend the rest of eternity

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staring up someone else's bottom?

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I know there's water in the bathroom and water in the sea but it's a pretty tenuous link -

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there's a bed in the bedroom, you haven't given it a hotel theme.

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Why not get a trouser press and kettle, paint everything purple

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and hire Lenny Henry to bounce up and down, wearing matching pyjamas?

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If you're trying to turn your toilet into a beach,

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why not go mad and get a lifeguard, some rusty cans on the floor

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and a family from Birmingham arguing behind a windbreak in the corner?

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Stop before there's more shells in our loos than on our beaches,

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or one day, trust me, you'll hold a shell up to your ear and think,

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"I can't hear the sea, but someone'll need some air freshener in a two-bed semi in Leicester."

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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In a world of uncertainty, we need someone with credibility

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to help us find answers to our questions.

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So, as always, we've begin by asking,

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"Who is tonight's authenticator?"

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As a lad, he was an amateur boxer.

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He became a politician and fought railway privatisation.

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He took a tough stance in negotiations to combat climate change.

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Tonight, he'll need all the wit and character

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he shows as a peer in the House of Lords.

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THEY ALL ARGUE

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ORDER! ORDER!

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All rise for tonight's authenticator - John Prescott!

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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MUSIC: "Things Can Only Get Better" By D:Ream

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John, thanks for coming on the show.

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I'll tell you later whether I've enjoyed it.

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You once said, "I've always felt very proud of Wales and being Welsh.

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"I was born in Wales, went to school in Wales, my mother was Welsh, I'm Welsh.

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It's my place of birth, my country, I'm Welsh."

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What was going on there?

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LAUGHTER

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It was a programme done by BBC for Wales

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about Who Do You Think You Are?, I think it was called.

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It seemed to me you had a pretty clear idea!

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They were surprised to find I was Welsh and I said a Scottish colleague of mine, from Stirling,

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who took me over the bridge, he said, "This is where the English got beat."

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I said, "I don't care, I'm Welsh."

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LAUGHTER

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Well, how are you going to help us tonight?

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Well, my job is providing you on the panel with information

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you need to answer tonight's questions.

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Just like I used to do for Tony Blair.

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LAUGHTER

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Thank you, John, that is wonderful.

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And when I think we finally have an answer, I will do this.

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ANGELIC CHOIR

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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-Hello, panel.

-Evenin'.

-Hello.

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I'll just say, on air, how much I am enjoying your jacket tonight.

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Think it's very nice...

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if you were in Showaddywaddy.

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LAUGHTER

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Can we have the Thunderball result now?

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LAUGHTER

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What have you learnt this week, Edith?

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That Matthew Broderick was, in fact,

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the voice of the older Simba in the Lion King.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-See?

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-Why are you going "Ooh" to that?

-LAUGHTER

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-I was surprised - I had no idea.

-Why were you surprised?

-I didn't lose sleep over it.

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-Did you think it was a real lion?

-Yep.

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LAUGHTER

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-You know it's a cartoon.

-I know it's a cartoon.

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I'm just surprised Edith didn't realise someone else did the voice!

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To be surprised by something, you don't have to have thought something else.

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-You can be surprised by something in isolation.

-Like your jacket.

-Yeah.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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No, I think it's nice.

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We'll get some brothel creepers and we'll go to Brighton, shall we?

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Fair enough. I like your attempt to look slim.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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I think I have lost a bit of weight.

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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Didn't expect that, did you?

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No, I didn't expect it to be human flesh under there.

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Russell, what have you learnt?

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Right, I went on Twitter, and my Twitter was jammed with a lookalike.

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Apparently, there'd been a Celebrity Come Dine With Me on

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and I'm an absolute ringer for Fatima Whitbread.

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What more crushing lookalike can you get than,

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"You look like a javelin thrower from the '80s"? Who's female!

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Have we got a picture of Fatima Whitbread?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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It's the smile, it's the smile.

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So...

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let's find out who wants to know what tonight. Who have we got?

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BLEEP

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Barbara Windsor. You a fan of Barbara Windsor, anyone?

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Um, she's all right.

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-LAUGHTER

-Fair enough.

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Won't bother with her question... You a fan of Gaddafi?

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Now you're talking!

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Let's see what Gaddafi wants to know.

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Well, Colonel, I have. I didn't realise it was you -

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I thought they'd left Lionel Richie's waxwork next to a radiator.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Ashley Cole. Let's have a question from Ashley.

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LAUGHTER

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I've got the full question here.

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"Hi, Rhod. Can you clear up something for me?

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"Am I going out with Cheryl or not?

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"I've not seen a paper lately and I've lost track."

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LAUGHTER

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"It's urgent as she's coming round, so I need to know

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-"whether to have sex with her or try and start an argument."

-LAUGHTER

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Ah, here we go.

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The World Asks is our first round. The World Asks.

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Let's see who wants to know what.

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We have a Californian wine maker. What does he want to know?

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Hello from beautiful Malibu wine country, Rhod.

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You know, most great relationships start over a good glass of wine.

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So tell me this.

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Is it possible to make someone fall in love with you?

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LAUGHTER

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"Is it possible to make someone fall in love with you?"

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John, can you see what you can find out while I chat to our panel?

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Russell, do you reckon you can?

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I'm from Essex - all you need is a sambuca and "Get in the van!" Job done.

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LAUGHTER

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Greg, can you make someone fall in love with you?

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The closest I ever came to it was, um...

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a friend of mine lent me his baby down by the...

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I was out having a coffee with him...

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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

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A friend of yours lent you his baby?

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He... I was out having a coffee with a friend and...

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You say, "Can I borrow your baby?"

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He went into a shop and I looked after the baby for a bit.

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I tried an experiment while I was on my own.

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And I just - a bit too loudly - said...

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"You and me will be all right together. Don't worry, Mummy's in heaven."

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And, um...

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LAUGHTER

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Not joking, women were throwing themselves.

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I had women almost getting run over crossing the road to get to me.

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-It was awesome!

-Having the baby made you more attractive to women?

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Awesome. When I started breast-feeding it, that ruined it.

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LAUGHTER

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John, do you have anything?

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Yeah, it seems a flashy car really does make a difference.

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Researchers at the University of Wales Institute showed women

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pictures of the same man sitting in two cars -

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a £70,000 silver Bentley and a battered Ford Fiesta.

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The women, aged between 21 to 40, picked the man

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sitting in the Bentley ahead of the same man in the battered Ford.

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No surprise that women are shallow. Lloyd, don't you think women are materialistic and shallow?

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Yeah, I can't drive, though, so...

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LAUGHTER

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Incidentally, makes trips to the safari park really scary.

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LAUGHTER

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Is there anybody in the audience...? This is going to be very difficult.

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Is there any... er, woman, that doesn't fancy Lloyd OR Greg, cos we've got an experiment set up.

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Yeah, let's get that lady to stand up. You, madam, yes.

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You do not fancy Greg or Lloyd?

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Nah.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Are you absolutely sure?

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LAUGHTER

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Pretty much.

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We'll see if we can make them more attractive

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-by putting them in different vehicles.

-Good luck.

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"Good luck"?!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Let's see what we've got. Ooh!

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Greg in a sports car.

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-Do you not find him more attractive there?

-No.

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-Not even a little bit?

-No.

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-Oh, come on!

-OK, who's next?

-LAUGHTER

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Is he any more attractive to you in there?

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-No.

-Still no?

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Let's see the next one.

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LAUGHTER

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How does that make you feel?

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Not even a uniform would help that!

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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Right, let's see the next one.

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LAUGHTER

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Maybe if he was in the back!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Does seem as if it is very difficult to make Greg and Lloyd

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look more attractive, but thank you very much.

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-What's your name, madam?

-Laura.

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Laura, ladies and gentlemen.

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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John, any more facts for us?

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Well, we talked about love - it's all about pain.

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Some interesting research on that - love can hurt.

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Stanford University researchers gave 15 students mild doses of pain

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while asking them to look at either a photo of their partner

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or a photo of someone they deemed to be equally attractive.

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They found that viewing a picture of their beloved reduced their perception of pain.

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So if you inflict pain on somebody while they're looking at something they love...

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-Yeah.

-..it shouldn't hurt as much.

-No, it don't hurt as much.

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Oh, I can feel an experiment coming on, John, can you?

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LAUGHTER

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Don't look like that, Greg!

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-Greg, it might not even be you I choose to do the experiment on!

-Oh, OK(!)

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Unfortunately, it is on this occasion.

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LAUGHTER

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Let's get on with it, whatever it is. Let's get on with it.

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All right. Russell, can you, er...

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Unless you think of a more interesting way to give Greg pain,

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can you give Greg a pinch under the arm there?

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-What, there?

-ARGH!

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Ooh, that's awful!

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That is awful!

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Let's show you something you love while we inflict the pain and see if it doesn't hurt.

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A picture of your parents, Greg.

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ARGH!

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It makes no difference whatsoever.

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Edith, could you administer a double nipple tweak, please?

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Oh, with pleasure.

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-Topless!

-Topless. Can we...?

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-Oh, I don't know.

-Get it off.

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I don't know if I should take it off. Oh, all right.

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Double?

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-Double.

-Double. OK.

-Properly tweak them, Edith.

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HEEEYY!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Let's see the same double nipple tweak while showing you something you love.

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A lovely fatty burger and chips. Keep looking at the picture, Greg.

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WHOA!

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It did seem a little less.

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-Greg, you loved the burger more than your parents!

-OK...

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Stop playing!

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Let's go to John for an answer.

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Well, we've got an answer from Professor Margaret Clark,

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a psychology professor from Yale University in the United States,

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who says, I quote,

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"No, it isn't possible to make someone fall in love with you.

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"There are things you can do to make yourself more lovable,

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"for example, you can pay attention to someone's needs, dreams

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"and goals and support them.

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"Or you can make yourself physically attractive

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"and display your wealth as a means of heightening sexual attraction."

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"It always takes two!"

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Thank you very much. I'll take that as an answer.

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ANGELIC CHOIR

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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So, Malibu wine maker, you wanted to know if it's possible

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to make someone fall in love with you, and the answer is no.

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I'll award that round to Greg for going through all of that pain so bravely.

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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Let's see who else has a question for us.

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Let's have a look. Kylie Minogue.

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Ahh. Oh!

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This should be exciting(!)

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LAUGHTER

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Well, Chris, I would love to,

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but last time I went to one of your parties,

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I didn't get home till nearly 10pm

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and I'm pretty sure Aled Jones spiked my Ribena!

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I'll give it a miss this time, if you don't mind.

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Ooh!

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Excuse me.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-Were you standing with, you know, reverence...

-The boss.

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..or were you about to leave?

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-No, it's the boss.

-That was, "He's the boss"?

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Er, who's this? Ken Dodd.

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Oh. David Beckham.

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Let's look at our next round.

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Let's see who wants to know what.

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It's Kevin Smith, Hollywood film director. What does he want to know?

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Hey, Rhod, Kevin Smith here. Long-time listener, first-time caller.

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Let me share this with you, man.

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On my new movie, at the end of every day -

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a long, hard day on the set -

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I would like to relax with an ice-cold glass of milk,

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believe it or not. And it got me wondering, man.

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Are we milking the right animals?

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LAUGHTER

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-Can you see what you can find out?

-Right.

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Er, panel, what do we think. Are we milking the right animals?

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-We only milk cows and goats, don't we?

-Why not milk horses - they're big.

-We do!

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-Can you?

-You can get horses' milk, rats' milk, hippos' milk,

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-camel milk, spider milk.

-You can't...

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Spider milk?!

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-You can definitely get rats' milk.

-Remind me, can you buy human milk anywhere?

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-You can.

-Can you?

-How much do you want?

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LAUGHTER

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Any of you ever drunk any human milk?

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Er...

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As not being a baby.

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No, I haven't. It's meant for babies, not for us.

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Being able do something doesn't mean you SHOULD.

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I could get a jar of pickled onions up my backside, but I'm not going to.

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LAUGHTER

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I feel an experiment coming on, John.

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LAUGHTER

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John, can we have a fact?

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Well, it's not just cows that we milk, of course, in the UK -

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goats' milk, sheep's milk, all well-known, too.

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In fact, you can milk any mammal that is lactating, including a whale.

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But other animals that are milked for human consumption include horses,

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water buffalo, camels, reindeer, donkeys and yaks.

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-John just said that you could milk a whale. I think that's awesome.

-Yeah.

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Couldn't we just get rid of cows and have one whale?

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How do baby whales, then, get on the teat underwater?

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How does the milk come out in the...?

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Doesn't it come out into a pool and the baby whales have to chase it underwater?

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You could do that when you're human - why don't we squeeze it out and the babies have to jump for it!

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That's how Greg and I like it!

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Babies running along the ground...

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Breast-feeding in public would be more fun if that happened!

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I've got a little treat in store for you guys.

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If each of you reach under the table,

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you'll find somewhere under there a bottle of unidentified milk.

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-I can tell you now, none of them are cow's milk.

-I'm going to be sick.

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If you give me rat milk, I will walk, I swear.

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Will you give us what the animals are?

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I'll give you what the animals are

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after you've drunk it and had a guess.

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LAUGHTER

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Edith, ladies first. And you have to finish it.

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LAUGHTER

0:16:360:16:37

It might be something nice!

0:16:370:16:39

It's going to be rat milk.

0:16:390:16:40

LAUGHTER

0:16:400:16:43

-Sorry, sorry.

-Can you shut up?

0:16:430:16:45

Deep breath, quick swig.

0:16:450:16:46

Yes!

0:16:460:16:48

It's definitely not cow's milk.

0:16:500:16:52

What do you think?

0:16:520:16:53

I don't know - what are the options?

0:16:530:16:55

All the animals in the world.

0:16:550:16:57

LAUGHTER

0:16:570:16:59

I'm going to go with goat's milk.

0:16:590:17:01

Goat's - jot that down. Greg, number two, please.

0:17:010:17:03

LAUGHTER

0:17:080:17:10

I'm going to say dolphin's milk.

0:17:100:17:12

Number three, Russell.

0:17:120:17:15

Down in one, down in one!

0:17:150:17:17

Edith, that tells us more about you than Russell.

0:17:170:17:20

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:17:200:17:23

HE WRETCHES

0:17:270:17:28

LAUGHTER

0:17:280:17:30

-Oh, my God. I don't want to do this.

-Hold your nose!

0:17:300:17:33

Oh, my God.

0:17:360:17:37

That was...

0:17:370:17:38

HE WRETCHES

0:17:380:17:40

LAUGHTER

0:17:400:17:42

That's like... That's just like licking earth or something.

0:17:420:17:45

-What is your guess?

-I'm going to go with human.

0:17:450:17:48

All right. Lloyd, can you try bottle four, please?

0:17:480:17:51

It tastes floury.

0:17:540:17:55

-What, do you mean floral?

-No, like flour in baking.

0:17:560:17:59

I think that's horse milk.

0:17:590:18:01

LAUGHTER

0:18:010:18:04

You know the horses - always baking!

0:18:040:18:09

What do you mean it tastes floury? "I think it's horse milk".

0:18:090:18:13

Well, I mean, I'm not going to say it tastes floury,

0:18:130:18:16

so it was from a baker.

0:18:160:18:19

Yeah, good point.

0:18:190:18:20

It has to be an animal and I guessed horse.

0:18:200:18:24

Let's reveal what we've got. What did Edith think?

0:18:240:18:27

You thought it was...

0:18:270:18:29

-Goat?

-Goat. What was it?

0:18:290:18:31

Camel.

0:18:310:18:32

Where did you get camel?

0:18:320:18:34

I'll give you three guesses.

0:18:340:18:36

LAUGHTER

0:18:360:18:39

Greg.

0:18:400:18:42

-You thought it was...

-Dolphin.

-Dolphin. It was...

0:18:420:18:44

Yak.

0:18:440:18:46

-Russell, you thought it was...

-Human milk.

0:18:460:18:49

You thought it was human, it was donkey.

0:18:490:18:51

LAUGHTER

0:18:510:18:54

Lloyd, you were fairly sure yours was horse, am I right?

0:18:540:18:58

-Because of the flour.

-Because of the flour.

0:18:580:19:00

You should have taken the flour seriously.

0:19:000:19:03

What usually uses flour?

0:19:030:19:05

Of the animal kingdom, who's most likely to bake?

0:19:050:19:07

It is...

0:19:070:19:09

GASPING AND LAUGHTER

0:19:090:19:12

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:19:120:19:15

Lloyd, you're going to wish

0:19:190:19:21

you hadn't confidently taken a second swig, because those weren't the breasts.

0:19:210:19:25

LAUGHTER

0:19:250:19:28

The actual breasts that were used for this experiment were...

0:19:280:19:31

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:19:310:19:34

GASPING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:370:19:41

John, do we have another fact?

0:19:530:19:55

Well, nobody's mentioned pigs.

0:19:550:19:58

We don't milk pigs as they're actually very difficult to milk.

0:19:580:20:02

Not only do they have 14 teats,

0:20:020:20:05

but they get agitated

0:20:050:20:08

when their teats are touched and have to be restrained.

0:20:080:20:12

But that would be a good thing for milking - 14 teats, surely?

0:20:120:20:15

Why do humans only have two teats?

0:20:150:20:18

Well, cos they've only got two breasts.

0:20:180:20:20

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:200:20:24

Women have only got two nipples because generally,

0:20:240:20:27

women have one baby,

0:20:270:20:29

then another baby, so, that's that covered.

0:20:290:20:31

By the time the third baby comes along, the first baby would be 18 months old

0:20:310:20:35

and wouldn't need breast feeding.

0:20:350:20:37

Surely it would be better if we had more than two nipples, John.

0:20:370:20:40

Cows have got, like, how many? Five? No, it's probably six.

0:20:400:20:44

-Probably an even number, isn't it? How many?

-Eight.

0:20:440:20:47

-Has a cow got eight?

-Yeah.

-No way!

-Yeah.

0:20:470:20:51

So, why has a human only got two?

0:20:510:20:52

You only milk six, you hang on to the other two.

0:20:520:20:55

LAUGHTER

0:20:550:20:58

There's weird things about cows.

0:20:580:20:59

-What is it with the rain - they stand up when it's going to rain?

-No, they lie down on the ground.

0:20:590:21:04

They lie down when it's going to rain.

0:21:040:21:06

-They lie down when it's going to rain?

-It's to keep the grass dry.

0:21:060:21:09

It is not. Wait a minute, that can't pass without comment.

0:21:090:21:14

Horses and sheep, if it's going to rain,

0:21:140:21:16

all get under a tree and shelter.

0:21:160:21:17

But cows just lie down. They're still going to get wet.

0:21:170:21:20

-It's to protect the grass.

-It is not to protect the grass!

0:21:200:21:23

They don't think, "The rain's coming.

0:21:230:21:25

"We better keep it dry - I don't like eating wet grass".

0:21:250:21:28

It's not like when you're a kid, hiding your sweets from other kids.

0:21:280:21:32

LAUGHTER

0:21:320:21:33

Moo!

0:21:330:21:35

Say you eat chips, right?

0:21:350:21:39

And cows eat grass.

0:21:390:21:40

If you were eating chips outside and it started raining,

0:21:400:21:43

you'd cover them over, wouldn't you?

0:21:430:21:45

They eat the grass and think,

0:21:450:21:47

"Oh, I don't want my dinner to get wet, so I'll cover it over".

0:21:470:21:50

-I do know the answer.

-To that?

-Yeah.

-What is it?

0:21:500:21:54

Air pressure makes the cow feel sick,

0:21:540:21:55

so it sits down to be lower to the ground and it stops eating.

0:21:550:21:59

What? There's a massive difference in air pressure from here...?

0:21:590:22:03

I've got an interesting fact. It's not on here.

0:22:030:22:05

When we were at Kyoto doing the climate change,

0:22:050:22:08

the Australians refused to sign the Kyoto charter,

0:22:080:22:11

largely because they said that the cows and the sheep

0:22:110:22:14

were always flatulent and it was causing carbon.

0:22:140:22:17

-True.

-There's so much CO2 in the air from these animals eating grass

0:22:170:22:21

that they couldn't sign the agreement.

0:22:210:22:23

-Really?

-Yeah.

0:22:230:22:25

That's why all those Australians go around with a hat on with corks on

0:22:250:22:29

cos when they see one, they take a cork off and try and stop it.

0:22:290:22:32

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:320:22:35

We should get an expert on this one.

0:22:400:22:42

-Let's get an expert.

-We can phone an expert.

-OK.

0:22:420:22:44

Definitive answer -

0:22:440:22:46

I've got someone you can talk to - Dr Peter Rowlinson.

0:22:460:22:49

He's from the School of Agriculture, Food and Rural Development

0:22:490:22:52

at Newcastle University.

0:22:520:22:54

Hello, Doctor Rowlinson?

0:22:540:22:56

-'Good day to you.'

-Good day to you. Welcome to the show.

0:22:560:22:59

'Thank you very much.'

0:22:590:23:01

We're talking about milking other animals than milking cows.

0:23:010:23:04

Can you answer a few questions that have come?

0:23:040:23:07

-'Ask away.'

-OK. Why do humans only have two nipples?

0:23:070:23:11

'There's a very good correlation

0:23:110:23:13

'between the number of young and the number of breasts,

0:23:130:23:17

'so, as one of your panellists said,

0:23:170:23:19

'humans, normally, will have one, sometimes two, babies,

0:23:190:23:22

'therefore, two breasts are sufficient.'

0:23:220:23:26

What about, then, the cow?

0:23:260:23:28

They don't have six or seven births, do they?

0:23:280:23:32

'No, that's very good, Lord Prescott.'

0:23:320:23:34

-Thank you very much.

-'Excellent point.

0:23:340:23:37

'The answer, probably, goes back to the old ancestors of the cow

0:23:370:23:43

'which were very much smaller

0:23:430:23:45

'and probably had two or three young.'

0:23:450:23:48

So, they're a kind of evolutionary hangover?

0:23:480:23:51

-'Yeah.'

-But why do cows lie down when it's going to rain?

0:23:510:23:54

Is it, as Lloyd thinks, to keep their grass dry?

0:23:540:23:56

'We're honestly not sure.

0:23:560:23:59

'Part of it is to keep the grass dry.'

0:23:590:24:03

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:030:24:07

No, it's not!

0:24:090:24:10

Dr Rowlinson, how do you prove that?

0:24:100:24:14

'They do seem able to anticipate whether...

0:24:140:24:18

'And part of that is thought to be due to pressure changes.'

0:24:180:24:22

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:220:24:26

Dr Rowlinson, just to come back to our question -

0:24:280:24:31

are we milking the right animals?

0:24:310:24:33

Are we and why aren't we milking other things?

0:24:330:24:35

Can you sum that up to us nice and pithily, please?

0:24:350:24:38

'A pithy answer is yes, we are milking the right animals.

0:24:380:24:42

'90% of the milk consumed by humans is from cows,

0:24:420:24:47

'and it's really just a question of size -

0:24:470:24:50

'they're large, they're convenient,

0:24:500:24:52

'they've been domesticated, they're docile.

0:24:520:24:55

'A cow is the optimal species.'

0:24:550:24:59

Thanks for being with us. I will take that as an answer.

0:24:590:25:02

APPLAUSE

0:25:020:25:06

So, Kevin Smith, the answer is yes, we are milking the right animals.

0:25:060:25:10

I'm awarding that to Lloyd for drinking Greg's mother's breast milk.

0:25:100:25:14

Next it is time for my quick-fire round The Audience Asks.

0:25:160:25:20

I'm going to try and get through as many questions as I can before we hear this noise.

0:25:200:25:25

-JOHN PRESCOTT:

-'Will the honourable member shut up?'

0:25:250:25:28

LAUGHTER

0:25:280:25:31

We won't bother with the answer button, there's no time.

0:25:310:25:34

-It's a quick-fire round so I'll use this bell.

-RINGS BELL

0:25:340:25:38

So, who's first? Matthew Payne. What's your question?

0:25:380:25:42

What's the point in trying to get to Mars?

0:25:420:25:45

LAUGHTER

0:25:450:25:48

Since we're in Glasgow, probably to deep-fry it.

0:25:480:25:51

LAUGHTER

0:25:510:25:54

David Hill, where are you? What's your question?

0:25:540:25:57

-If Pinocchio told you...

-Oh, God. Pinocchio doesn't exist, David.

0:25:570:26:03

If he told you his nose was about to grow, what would happen?

0:26:030:26:06

Well, it depends if he's lying.

0:26:060:26:10

Because he didn't always lie.

0:26:100:26:12

What he's saying is, if he states, "My nose is about to grow"

0:26:120:26:16

and it isn't, that is itself a lie,

0:26:160:26:18

and his nose would automatically grow. It's a philosophical circle.

0:26:180:26:21

-He's created a philosophical circle!

-If Pinocchio says...

0:26:210:26:27

"My nose is about to grow," what would happen?

0:26:270:26:30

Sometimes it would grow, sometimes it wouldn't, depending on whether Pinocchio's lying or not.

0:26:300:26:35

No, always. It would always have to grow if he was lying.

0:26:350:26:39

-No, it wouldn't.

-This is supposed to be a quick-fire round!

0:26:390:26:43

You can't raise philosophical circles that baffle the panel!

0:26:430:26:46

-It's not deep. He can't always have lied! He can't always have lied.

-He's not real.

0:26:460:26:53

But every time he lies, his nose grows.

0:26:530:26:57

So if he says, "No, my nose is not about to grow".

0:26:570:27:00

If it didn't grow, he'd then be lying.

0:27:000:27:02

RHOD RINGS BELL REPEATEDLY

0:27:020:27:05

BANGS GAVEL

0:27:060:27:08

Order, order. You!

0:27:080:27:11

Who's next? Kirsty Wallace. Hello, Kirsty.

0:27:110:27:14

Hiya. Why does my one-year-old always sneeze

0:27:140:27:17

when his mouth is full of Weetabix?

0:27:170:27:19

LAUGHTER

0:27:190:27:21

Is he allergic to Weetabix? Has he got a wheat allergy?

0:27:210:27:25

I think it's just to annoy me, cos it goes all over me.

0:27:250:27:28

Why do you keep shoving Weetabix in his mouth?

0:27:280:27:31

Have you tried putting some milk with it? I've got some here.

0:27:310:27:38

Stop feeding it to him!

0:27:380:27:40

I don't know, stop feeding him it. James Fraser, where are you? James, hello.

0:27:400:27:45

I'd like to know why when people talk about spiral staircases

0:27:450:27:49

they always have to motion with their hands.

0:27:490:27:52

When people talk about spiral staircases?

0:27:520:27:54

How often do people talk about spiral staircases in your life?

0:27:540:27:58

-Not too often.

-But when they do they always go like this?

0:27:580:28:01

-Yep.

-They do that cos they're downstairs.

0:28:010:28:06

LAUGHTER

0:28:060:28:08

People usually talk about it downstairs, that's why.

0:28:080:28:12

-PRESCOTT:

-'Will the honourable member shut up?'

0:28:120:28:15

Time is up. I'm going to award that round to Lloyd for his spiral staircase.

0:28:150:28:21

APPLAUSE

0:28:210:28:24

We've got through nearly all the questions this week,

0:28:240:28:27

but there's time for one more.

0:28:270:28:29

It is our Special Guest Asks round.

0:28:290:28:32

-Edith, I believe you have a question.

-I do.

0:28:330:28:36

I'm allergic to all animals, and I'm a massive techno geek as well,

0:28:360:28:41

so I want to ask, will robots ever be man's best friend?

0:28:410:28:46

John, can you see what you can find out? Will robots ever be man's best friend? What do our panel think?

0:28:460:28:51

If you could get a robot to do one thing to improve your life, what would you do?

0:28:510:28:56

Monitor traffic wardens around my car. I just seem to attract them.

0:28:560:28:59

-Does "Seem to attract them", mean "I seem to park illegally?"

-LAUGHTER

0:28:590:29:04

-Don't you think they're the nearest we've got to robots?

-Yeah.

0:29:040:29:10

LAUGHTER

0:29:100:29:12

-ROBOTIC VOICE:

-I've started writing.

0:29:130:29:16

What would you get a robot to do if you had one?

0:29:160:29:18

This is terrible, but wouldn't it be great if you're feeling knackered, just put a robot on stage?

0:29:180:29:23

-ROBOTIC VOICE:

-"What's that all about? EasyJet."

0:29:230:29:28

-You could just laser hecklers. "Shut up."

-MIMICS LASER SOUND

0:29:280:29:31

-Lloyd, are you a techno geek?

-I'm the opposite of it.

0:29:310:29:36

My phone is really old, and it's full to capacity,

0:29:360:29:39

so every time I make a new friend I have to lose an old one.

0:29:390:29:42

So your phone's got four spaces on it?

0:29:420:29:46

You want to watch Lloyd typing, it's one of the funniest things you will ever see.

0:29:460:29:50

-Lloyd can only type with one finger.

-Show us.

-Literally like this.

0:29:500:29:57

That is it! I just think, why don't you go like this?

0:29:570:30:00

LAUGHTER

0:30:000:30:03

If he wants to save something, I come in and press control while he presses S.

0:30:030:30:07

John, have you got any more information?

0:30:070:30:10

Yeah, some robots are multi-purpose, but some are built for the single purpose, like this one.

0:30:100:30:15

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

0:30:150:30:19

LAUGHTER

0:30:220:30:24

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:30:300:30:33

That is Humpbot, and that clip restores my faith in the internet.

0:30:330:30:39

Greg, can you think of a way of testing

0:30:390:30:42

whether robots might be man's best friend?

0:30:420:30:45

Do you know what, Rob? I think I probably can!

0:30:450:30:49

Let's go to the lab!

0:30:490:30:51

APPLAUSE

0:30:510:30:55

Welcome to the lab. Lloyd's just asked me if robots will ever be man's best friend around the house.

0:30:560:31:01

We're about to find out.

0:31:010:31:04

Lloyd, what sort of domestic tasks do you envisage you'd need help with?

0:31:040:31:08

Well, say, Greg, you'd made a spaghetti bolognese and me

0:31:080:31:12

with my butterfingers accidentally pushed it on the floor.

0:31:120:31:15

Oh, no, that's gone everywhere. Let's bring in the RHOD-BOT 3000.

0:31:150:31:21

LAUGHTER

0:31:210:31:24

-Chop-chop.

-What am I going to clean it up with?

-With your hoover face.

0:31:280:31:32

Get on with it!

0:31:320:31:35

Hurry up, RHOD-BOT!

0:31:350:31:37

While RHOD-BOT's getting on with that,

0:31:370:31:40

what other problems do you envisage you might have?

0:31:400:31:42

Well, say I poured you a lovely glass of wine.

0:31:420:31:45

Keep eating, RHOD-BOT, we need it all cleaned up.

0:31:450:31:48

Oh no, look what's happened.

0:31:480:31:50

I'll try sprinkling an awful lot of salt on top of the wine stain.

0:31:500:31:54

-It's not working.

-We'll have to use RHOD-BOT.

0:31:540:31:59

I envisage another problem.

0:32:010:32:03

Edith Bowman, she was going to come round in a minutes' time

0:32:030:32:06

because she needed to use the toilet.

0:32:060:32:08

Wait a minute. There's no way Edith can use our toilet.

0:32:080:32:11

It's been blocked for over seven years.

0:32:110:32:13

LAUGHTER

0:32:130:32:15

Nothing to fear, Lloyd,

0:32:150:32:16

RHOD-BOT comes with a special attachment.

0:32:160:32:19

RHOD-BOT's cleaning attachment's on.

0:32:210:32:23

I'll just switch... There we are. WHIRRING

0:32:230:32:26

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:32:260:32:29

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:32:290:32:32

What?

0:32:320:32:33

What?

0:32:350:32:37

RHOD GROANS

0:32:370:32:39

-RHOD-BOT has another talent I want to demonstrate.

-No, there's not.

0:32:430:32:46

You'd better get ready to scarper. This is quite drastic this one.

0:32:460:32:50

It's the Hump-Bot button.

0:32:500:32:52

Run!

0:32:520:32:54

BOUNCY MUSIC AND LAUGHTER

0:32:540:32:55

Come back. I can't get round.

0:33:000:33:03

John, push the answer button, for God's sake!

0:33:070:33:09

Yes, the answer is...

0:33:090:33:10

Dr Reid Simmons from the Robotic Institute

0:33:100:33:14

at the Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh says,

0:33:140:33:19

"Yes, robots will ultimately achieve the level of intelligence and sensibility

0:33:190:33:25

"that could make people want to be friends with them."

0:33:250:33:28

-Yes!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:33:280:33:32

I'm giving that round to Lord Prescott. He's the only one who asked

0:33:340:33:38

and hasn't done anything to me. And...that's pretty much it for tonight.

0:33:380:33:43

So, people of Britain, if you've got a question

0:33:430:33:46

you can tweet #AskRhod on Twitter.

0:33:460:33:50

But for tonight, it's thanks to Edith Bowman, Russell Kane...

0:33:500:33:53

APPLAUSE

0:33:530:33:55

..Greg Davies and Lloyd Manford,

0:33:550:33:56

and, of course, our thanks go to Lord John Prescott.

0:33:560:34:02

CHEERING

0:34:020:34:04

I'm RHOD-BOT Gilbert and you can ask me literally anything tonight.

0:34:040:34:08

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:34:080:34:10

Subtitling by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:34:220:34:26

E-mail [email protected]

0:34:260:34:29

-Be my date for tonight! Dear people!

-LAUGHTER

0:34:370:34:43

We need to take this hat off. We can't hear him.

0:34:470:34:50

Oh well...

0:34:500:34:54

LAUGHTER

0:34:540:34:56

Former deputy prime minister John Prescott, comedian Russell Kane and Radio One's Edith Bowman join Rhod Gilbert, Greg Davies and Lloyd Langford in the comedic search for answers to some more of the world's most intriguing questions.


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