Episode 4 Ask Rhod Gilbert

'Tonight on Ask Rhod Gilbert, our special guests are:

'she's quite a character - it's Katy Brand!

'And Australia's finest - Adam Hills.

'They're here every week - it's Greg Davies.

'And Lloyd Langford.

'Ladies and gentlemen, Ask Rhod Gilbert!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome. Yes, my name is Rhod Gilbert and I find the answers to questions that keep us all awake.

Questions like why don't pubs and restaurants leave chips alone?

Chips work just fine. Stop messing with them. "Triple-cooked."

So what? Get a better chef who can nail it first time.

"Hand-cut." No, they're not, unless you have Bruce Lee and Edward Scissorhands!

And if they are hand-cut, who does your curly fries? Abu Hamza?

Just because you arranged my chips like a game of Jenga, don't think I haven't noticed there's only four.

I'm not an idiot. Do you think I'd be happy with only 15 peas in a mini-snooker triangle?

I've got nothing against thick-cut chips, but we'll have to cut them up to make potatoes! On with the show.

APPLAUSE

In a world full of uncertainty, we need someone with credibility to help us find answers.

As always, we begin by asking who is tonight's authenticator?

She got her fingers all green when she hosted That's Gardening.

LAUGHTER

She was the first host of Ready, Steady, Cook.

APPLAUSE

She's the high priestess of daytime television. Text us if you know the answer to today's big-money quiz

if you think today's authenticator is a) Concorde?

b) Robert Mugabe's stapler?

Or c) Fern Britton?

Yes, if you texted c) you're right! Tonight's authenticator is queen of the comfy couch, Fern Britton!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Welcome.

-Thank you for joining us.

-Pleasure.

I read recently that you are all for growing old disgracefully.

There's a hell of a lot of life after 35 and just because you're over 50 doesn't mean there's no life left.

So that's why I'm here, trying to enjoy myself anyway. APPLAUSE

You've been having tattoos.

I did, yeah. Why does that cause a stir? Middle-aged woman has tattoo.

-Yeah, I did it at Christmas.

-Can we...?

-No!

-Right.

-LAUGHTER

-Really?

-Yeah. Katy's got them.

I've got them. I've got an anchor and a butterfly.

-One on each wrist.

-Is that for the butter?

LAUGHTER

-Is it a shopping list?

-Yes, it is! A friend of mine...

-Have you got any tattoos, Adam?

-Nothing. I want to know what Fern's got.

-Yeah, back to you, Fern.

-Well, you know, Rhod. You've seen them.

-I have. That's why I want you to get them out!

-Give us a cheer if you want to see Fern's tattoos.

-LOUD CHEER

No...

It's only two little butterflies. That was it.

-How are you going to help us tonight?

-By authenticating

-and researching any answers to any questions that come up.

-Wonderful.

When I think we finally have an answer, I will do this.

-Adam, have you learnt anything recently?

-I have learnt that I am accidentally racist.

-LAUGHTER

-How can you be an accidental racist?

I host a music quiz on Australian TV, named after a Bee Gees song - Spicks and Specks.

It's a song about your memory.

And iTunes in America censored the title because they decided that Spicks was a racist term

for Hispanic people, so I host a racist TV show.

Political correctness gone mad. My quiz show was banned as well - All Australians Are Convicts.

LAUGHTER

Katy, have you learnt anything recently?

Apparently, in an average bar of chocolate, there are around eight separate parts of insects.

GROANS

Did you see that woman in the paper that had bought something online with an unidentified spider in it?

-Nobody knows what it is.

-My nightmare. An unidentifiable surprise spider in something.

-It wasn't a surprise spider.

-Wasn't it?

-It goes...

LAUGHTER

I'm not sure it'd be necessarily that camp, a spider. "Hiya!"

Right, let's crack on with the show. Who wants to know what? Who have we got? Rupert Murdoch.

LAUGHTER

England's cricketers. Let's have a question.

Jamie Oliver.

Oh, no...!

Well, no, it's not true. She's never actually used breast milk.

Getting your breasts in a picture of Beef Wellington doesn't count.

You could photograph your old boy next to a sponge pudding, but it wouldn't make it a Spotted Dick.

Let's look at what's next. It's our A Famous Face Asks round. Who wants to know what tonight?

Oh, it's little Warwick Davis! What does he want?

Hi, Rhod. Human beings are a very diverse race,

from people like myself to massive, tall, ugly, weird freaks like Greg Davies.

So, can you tell me, have we stopped evolving?

The first reference to me being disgusting. Good(!)

Could you introduce Warwick Davis in a slightly more patronising way?

"It's little Warwick Davis!"

-That's a very good question. Have we stopped evolving? Fern, find out for us.

-Yes, I will.

Thank you. What do we think, panel? If you could evolve one thing, what would you evolve?

-Lloyd?

-I would evolve gills.

-Mm, you're nodding, Katy.

-I'd say the same - gills.

-Why?

-To breathe under water! >

Yes, to breathe under water. LAUGHTER

-APPLAUSE

-Fair enough. Fair enough.

-What would you evolve, Adam?

-I'd evolve a little pouch on my body for carrying a mobile phone.

-Really.

-God!

-I've got one of those.

LAUGHTER

In a limitless world of possibilities, what would you evolve? A belt clip, essentially.

It's cos I'm Australian. I just went, "Pouch!"

-What would you evolve, Fern?

-Torches on the end of my fingers.

-That's more like it!

-Of all the things...?

-I'm always losing things. Under the bed, down the side of the car.

Just where you can't see. A source of light in those nooks and crannies.

But if you had a pouch on your body, you wouldn't have lost them.

Just saying. I'm just saying.

Young people now are replacing... The thumb is the new forefinger.

Young people are pointing with their thumbs.

-Young people press doorbells with their thumb, not their forefinger.

-No, they don't.

I have to put my spoke in here and back you up, Rhod.

Thumb dexterity has improved so much in recent years that some teenagers point with their thumbs,

ring doorbells with their thumbs

and it seems the increased use of hand-held gadgets is prompting rapid changes

-that would normally occur over many decades.

-Kaboom!

LAUGHTER

-I've never seen anyone point with their thumb.

-You don't hang out with kids on street corners.

They go, "Hey, look over there."

Here's a question for you. Why are there still monkeys if we've evolved from monkeys?

-Because some monkeys...

-Some didn't evolve.

-Will these monkeys ever become humans?

-No.

And if they become humans, what will become monkeys? Crows?

No, because there's one strand of primate or ape that became human,

but some of the apes didn't develop human characteristics, so they didn't evolve as humans.

-They were quite good at being apes.

-Get to the point - will a crow become a monkey?

-No!

Never. Crows will never be monkeys.

-Can we have another fact?

-Yes. If you're somebody who forgets people's names...

-I am.

According to the theoretical physicist Dr Michio Kaku,

-100 years from now we will have...

-Belt clips!

..the internet embedded in contact lenses with face recognition software

so when we meet someone, the lenses will remind us who they are

and show us their biography and translate their words into subtitles.

So all conversation will disappear? You go on a date. "Hello." "Hello."

-"I know everything about you."

-LAUGHTER

You get a slow internet connection. "Hello."

"Sorry. Still downloading."

"What are you doing?" Buffering.

I think we should do that now. Everyone in the world should have a name badge on permanently.

That is not the same. This vision of the world is not simply B&Q.

This is the internet in your eyes, not somebody with a name badge.

-- No, but it's small steps. - It's quicker.

-Very small steps.

-In 100 years, everyone will have a name badge. That's not...

-I mean now! Not in 100 years.

-I always forget people's names, right?

-I do, too.

-If everyone wore a name badge, that would help.

What if you don't want people to know your name? Have a protective flap...

LAUGHTER

..controlled by a lever. If you want them to know your name, pull the lever...

-Fern, do you have any more information?

-I've got the answer here.

You can talk to a Fellow of the Royal Society, Professor Mark Pagel from the University of Reading,

and he is on the line for you now.

-Hello.

-Hello. How are you?

-Well, thank you.

-Thanks for coming on.

We're discussing whether evolution continues or has ceased.

-Can you shed any light on it for us?

-The answer is that we are still evolving, definitely.

-There's probably strong selection for physical attractiveness.

-We'll get better looking?

-Yeah.

-Cool!

-In my lifetime?

-Em... We can hope.

There's every reason to believe we're becoming less violent...

-Have you ever been out on a Saturday night?

-It's the people in jail.

-Cos of people in jail?

-Well...

Society increasingly punishes anti-social behaviour. Probably over the last 1,000 years we've become

-less aggressive, less violent.

-Because people are in jail, they're not reproducing, so...?

Exactly. You can't reproduce. You don't find many women in jail.

Doesn't that make us, in evolutionary terms, at risk of... alien attack?

LAUGHTER

-The pressing question in the studio is...

-Will a crow ever become a monkey?

-Yes!

I've an answer for that one - definitely not.

Thank you very much, Prof Pagel. I'll take that as an answer.

APPLAUSE

So, Warwick Davis, you asked, "Have we stopped evolving?" No!

I'm going to award that round to Katy because she sounds like she knows what she's talking about.

-I get a point?

-You're well in the lead.

-Thank you.

-Can I get a point as well?

-Yeah.

-My point is somewhat devalued.

-I'll just give you another point.

-Oh, good!

2-1. Let's see who else has a question for us tonight.

Oh, it's Andy Murray! Scotland's favourite.

Scotland's favourite. Let's have a look at what he wants to know.

-Yes, I have - Ticketmaster.

-LAUGHTER

I was going to give him a tip - take those oranges out of his mouth.

No, that's where he keeps the...

-Before they serve, they get two.

-He's just spat one out, look!

LAUGHTER

-Adam, in a previous life you were a tennis coach, weren't you?

-I was a tennis coach.

-What would you say to him, then?

-Yeah.

-Let's role play. I'll be him.

-If you were Andy Murray, this is what I'd say to you.

-Oh?

You're number four in the world. That's pretty freaking good.

-People should get off your back.

-APPLAUSE

-Yeah, everyone!

-LAUGHTER

Emile Heskey? I don't know anything about football.

Michael Phelps. What does he want to know?

Well, by the expression on your face, just long enough.

Louis Walsh.

Oh, hang on. I can see our friend of the show Kim Jong-il coming up! We always have a question.

What does he want to know?

It's time to see what we've got next. Questions from around the world.

Let's see who wants to know what. A pipe band. What do they want?

Hi, Rhod. Playing bagpipes is hard work. You need stamina and skill.

My question for you is what's the easiest job in the world?

My question for you is why are you Australian?!

I was not expecting that!

In Scotland, a guy with a wobble board is going, "This is grrreat!"

Adam...

-Yes?

-What did you want to be when you grew up?

Honestly, I couldn't decide whether to be a clown or a journalist.

Those were honestly my two choices.

I know. And now, thanks to Rupert Murdoch, you can do both.

Fern, what did you want to be?

I wanted to be a dolphin trainer.

- Weren't you born in West London? - There aren't many dolphins.

And that is what thwarted me.

-What did you want to be, Lloyd?

-I wanted to be an actor.

Seriously? I'm not sure you've quite got any emotional range, have you?

That was the thing. I can't sing or dance.

And you haven't got any expressions in your face whatsoever. You're like a child stuck under a frozen lake.

LAUGHTER

I... LAUGHTER CONTINUES

You've lived in my flat for seven years. Every day I look at you and think, "What does he look like?"

It's a child looking up from under a frozen lake.

I was hoping to convey my emotions by a name flap.

Lloyd, I've got a game for you. Katy, look away. An expression will come up on the screen.

Lloyd must communicate it to you using his face.

-Lloyd, learn what it is.

-It's only one word. I think I'll remember.

LAUGHTER

He's cocky. He's confident, ladies and gentlemen.

Right, learn your word. Those are your lines.

You have to communicate it with your "expressiony" face to Fern and Katy.

-Can I chip in?

-By all means, yes.

"Mum, help me! I'm stuck under the ice!"

Is it "happy"?

-APPLAUSE

-Oh, one out of one!

OK, let's have expression two

for Lloyd to communicate to Katy, please.

I'm like John Gielgud.

Stuck under a frozen lake!

-Oh, um...

-Cold?

LAUGHTER

Is it "grumpy"?

Are you having a poo?

But apart from that, with the face?

You're having a sad poo. Is that it? APPLAUSE

-Sad? What was it, Lloyd?

-Sadness.

-Sadness, OK. Expression number three.

Off you go, Lloyd.

If you were in a bar and Lloyd was doing that, what would you think?

I would think he was saying, "Let's go up on the roof and do it."

Not far off. "In a hotel bar you meet two women

"and would like to invite one of them to your room, but not the other one."

-Lloyd's acting, ladies and gentlemen. Very well done.

-APPLAUSE

Let's have another fact, Fern.

If you had to pick the easiest job in the world and you saw the following,

you might think you'd hit the jackpot. Take a look.

LAUGHTER

That's pretty straightforward.

I met a guy who I reckon had the easiest job in the world.

He was working as a photographer's assistant on a fashion photo shoot

and all his job was for this particular day was to put tape over the nipples of the models,

so they weren't erect during the photos.

That's not a full-time job.

No, you'd have to take time off every three and a half minutes.

-I've got an easier job than that.

-What?

-Doctor on Death Row.

If you make a mistake, what's the worst that can happen?

Fern, are we any closer to finding an answer?

Yes, this is an answer. According to the job agency CareerCast,

the easiest job in the world or the least stressful is an audiologist

who is someone who treats hearing problems. The most stressful job is an airline pilot.

-I will take that as an answer.

-APPLAUSE

You asked what the easiest job in the world is - it's an audiologist,

but we all know that the easiest job in the world really is a Geordie cloakroom attendant.

And I'm awarding that round to Lloyd for his wonderful acting skills.

APPLAUSE

Next it is time for my quick-fire round, The Audience Asks.

I'll get through as many questions as I can before we hear this noise.

'Three, two, one, stop cooking!'

You don't get the answer button with this round. We just get this bell.

RINGS

So it is the quick-fire round.

Who's first? It's Gabby Lovatt. Where are you, Gabby Lovatt?

-Stand up, so I can see you. Hello!

-Hi!

-Hello!

If you put boiling hot water into a thermal flask, then put it in the freezer, does it stay hot or freeze?

What ultimately happens is your boyfriend leaves you.

-BELL RINGS

-"Your boyfriend leaves you."

Avril Kinsella. Hello, Avril. What's your question?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

LAUGHTER

Rhod, I think I can demonstrate this.

For those who don't know what's going on, I have an artificial foot.

-You can demonstrate this?

-Your chair would face the other way.

You'd sit down on it like this

and your foot would stick up.

There's not many shows where that demonstration could have happened. Claire Brown, what's your question?

What do the French say when something seems familiar?

I think someone asked that last week.

What do the French... What do you mean, what do the French say when something familiar happens to them?

-We say "deja vu".

-So do they. They're French. What are you on about?

Philip McFeally. Where is Philip McFeally? Hello, Philip.

-The question is...

-Have you stolen my Phillip Schofield wig?

-How many ants would you need to take out Lennox Lewis?

-To take out Lennox Lewis?

Say we're in a nuclear bunker, Lennox Lewis is going to press the button,

no-one can get in, but there is an anthill. How many?

That's quite a specific scenario you've painted there.

Ants are remarkably strong, probably the strongest, pound for pound, in the animal kingdom.

How many would it take to carry out Lennox Lewis?

One of my aunts is 25 stone. She'd take him out.

'Three, two, one, stop cooking!'

Time is up, but I think we did pretty well there.

I'm going to award that round to Adam for a remarkable demonstration.

APPLAUSE

We've answered nearly all our questions for this week, but there is time for one more.

It's Our Special Guest Asks round.

-Katy, do you have a question for us this week?

-Well, I do.

-Good.

You know, I go to meetings from time to time and I like to shake hands in meetings.

It's got me thinking - why do we shake hands at all? What is the history to it?

-Why do we shake hands, Fern? See what you can find out.

-Yeah.

When politicians have to do a lot of hand-shaking, they get incredibly painful sores on their hands.

-And the Queen...

-The Queen has shaken hands over a million times.

She always wears gloves. You never see the Queen out without gloves.

She does not want to have skin-to-skin contact with so many people.

Also, she's an amateur snooker referee.

Do you know what? I'm meeting her tomorrow.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-Are you meeting the Queen tomorrow?

-I am. At Buckingham Palace.

-How come?

-There's a reception for Australians in England. I'm genuinely...

-Whoa!

I've put in 42 years in this country and you, just for being over here, get to meet the Queen.

He's organised a snooker match at her house!

-What do you mean, Australians in Britain?

-A specific reception tomorrow for Australians in Britain.

How many of you? Thousands? Are all the bars going to shut?

It's a trick, you know. It's to get you all back in prison.

-I've actually met her before.

-Oh, you're old friends!

Whatever! She had come round, then Prince Philip came round directly after her.

-She came round to your house?

-It was a royal line-up and she came all the way round.

Then Prince Philip came up to me, looked down at my feet and went...

HE SNIGGERS

I love him for this. He just had this big grin on his face that said, "I've got one. I've got a good one."

"You fly home tomorrow?" "Yes, Your Highness."

"You could smuggle something out of the country in that leg of yours."

-Really?

-Really.

-APPLAUSE

-Really.

-I'll tell you an interesting one about greetings as well.

In Papua New Guinea, they don't shake hands.

When you walk into a meeting, you tickle each other's genitals.

-Really?

-And which particular genitals are you tickling?

If you went to a meeting, you'd go, "Hello, how do you do," then you go round the room and...

-This is clearly one of your made-up facts.

-No, it isn't.

I'll back you up, Rhod. It says here, "There are other alternatives to the handshake.

"In Papua New Guinea, some tribes exchange greetings by clasping each other's genitals."

You were wrong. It's not a tickle. It's a firm clasp.

Not in the meeting I was in.

John McCririck shakes hands with women like this. I'll show you with the left hand.

-Who does this?

-John McCririck.

As he comes at you with his hand, he tucks this hand in the palm

and when he gets your hand in his, he tickles the palm of your hand with his finger.

-That's a Masonic handshake.

-Is that Masonic?

-It's just McCririck!

-Did you know that "hello" didn't exist before telephones?

-Yes.

-That's true.

-Alexander Graham Bell wanted it to be "ahoy-hoy".

-Yes.

-Thomas Edison wanted it to be "hello".

-Before that, nobody said anything.

They picked the phone up and they were silent for so long...

Lionel Richie's first hit was...

LAUGHTER

Why do we shake hands? Lloyd, what do you think?

I think in the olden days you shook hands

to check how many fingers the other person had.

If they only have two fingers, then you instantly know they're, uh...

careless.

You can tell a lot about people from the amount of fingers they've got.

They're either careless or accident-prone.

So, for example, if you're, if you're...

LAUGHTER

Hang on. There's a question from Mr Clumsy.

-How did you lose your foot, just out of interest?

-It was a shark.

-It wasn't a shark.

-No, it wasn't a shark.

-No, I just lost a foot. There's no...

-You were born without it?

-Yeah.

-How clumsy are you!

LAUGHTER

Dear God!

Here's one theory that makes a bit of sense, but it doesn't really when you interrogate it.

I have heard the one that people say, "You shake hands because it comes from the olden days

"when it was a way of finding out whether the other person had a weapon."

Surely, going like that would be a much better way of establishing if the other person had a weapon.

When the police surround a house, you never hear them shouting, "Come out and shake hands with everyone!"

I don't think you'd be able to work out if someone was carrying a weapon just from shaking their hand.

You just know. I just know when someone's up to no good.

Ever since I was a teacher, I know when a kid or anyone walks into a room,

and they're up to no good, I know!

-You think you've got a sixth sense?

-I genuinely do.

-We can test this spurious boast of yours.

-Yeah? How?

Let's go to the lab.

Greg, welcome to the lab. Tonight, we have a very scientific experiment

to determine whether you do, as you boldly claimed, have a sixth sense.

Four panellists are stood around this circle. Two of them will have a weapon and two won't.

You have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

-If you do, you hear this noise...

-FANFARE

-..and receive a point. If you get it wrong, you'll be punished.

-Right.

-I'm going to start spinning you now.

-Hey!

-Agh!

-Do you think this person has a weapon?

-No, I don't.

-You're absolutely right. One point.

-APPLAUSE

You get one point and we're off.

-Do you think this person has a weapon?

-Yes, I think this person has a weapon.

-You're absolutely right.

-APPLAUSE

-He has got the sixth sense.

We have two of you with weapons. Do you think this person has a weapon?

-Yes, I think this person has a weapon.

-You're wrong.

-He doesn't have a weapon.

-Eugh!

-Oh, no.

-What?

It's a terrible thing, this. The sixth sense left you for a brief moment there.

-Do you think this person has a weapon?

-No, I don't.

-What...? Oh!

-Unlucky. You were wrong, Greg.

The vibe left you for a minute. Do you think this person has a weapon?

-Yes, they have a weapon.

-Correct.

APPLAUSE

-Reload. Do you think this person has a weapon, Greg?

-No, I don't think this person has a weapon.

APPLAUSE

Unlucky, Greg.

-The feeling left you. Do you think this person has a weapon?

-No, they haven't.

-APPLAUSE

-Yet again they did have a weapon, Greg. They did have a weapon.

Do you think this person has a weapon, Greg?

No, they haven't got a weapon.

Again you're absolutely...

wrong!

APPLAUSE

They did have a weapon. Do you think this person has a weapon, Greg?

-No, they haven't got a weapon.

-Oh, God!

-Once again...

-APPLAUSE

Now, ladies and gentlemen, do you think Greg does have a sixth sense?

LAUGHTER

Like a man who has any special powers? Unless you're Trifle Man!

To be fair, he was blindfolded.

-And you're not normally blindfolded in real life.

-No, I'm not.

You did say when you walked into a room, you could see if a child was misbehaving in your teaching days.

We'll give you one last chance. Let's take somebody in the audience.

Do you think that woman with the red hair has a weapon?

-Think carefully.

-I'll play this logically as if this was scientific and fair.

-It is.

She's a member of the audience. Of course she hasn't got a weapon.

I'm afraid, Greg...

Oh, God, you're completely wrong there. I'm afraid you're wrong.

She does have a weapon.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, the question was - why do we shake hands?

Oh, yeah, I think we've got an answer to that(!)

And according to Professor William Chaplin from St John's University in New York,

a handshake is often the very first impression a person makes on us,

so we shake hands because it provides a quick first assessment of the person we meet.

There's your answer, Greg.

-Press the answer button.

-Certainly.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And I am awarding that round to...

to Lloyd. I'm awarding that round to Lloyd

-because I just can.

-APPLAUSE

That's pretty much it for tonight.

If you've got a question, you can tweet #AskRhod on Twitter,

but for tonight, it's thanks to Katy Brand,

Adam Hills, Greg Davies and Lloyd Langford and, of course, our authenticator Fern Britton!

-I'm Rhod Gilbert and you can ask me literally anything. Good night.

-APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2011

Email [email protected]