Episode 5 Ask Rhod Gilbert


Episode 5

Angela Rippon, Amanda Byram and Sarah Millican join Rhod Gilbert, Greg Davies and Lloyd Langford in the comedic search for answers to some of the world's most intriguing questions.


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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Tonight, on Ask Rhod Gilbert, our special guests are:

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She's no wipeout, it's:

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And First Lady of stand-up:

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They're here every week, it's:

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Ladies and gentlemen, Ask Rhod Gilbert!

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APPLAUSE

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Hello, welcome. I'm Rhod Gilbert and tonight I'm finding the answers

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to the questions that keep us awake at night.

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Questions such as: Should we stop publishing books

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until we all catch up reading the ones that are out there?

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I love reading but there are just far too many books.

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It must be because God has written one and most of us haven't bothered reading it yet.

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I certainly don't want any more celebrity autobiographies.

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People write them before they've had a life. Justin Bieber has one.

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The only reason he needs a book at all is so he can stand on it to reach his Calpol.

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LAUGHTER

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You shouldn't be allowed to write an autobiography until you're at least 30. Nothing happens until then.

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Who'd want to read Jesus: My Life As A Carpenter And Amateur Magician?

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Come on. If we carry on like this, pretty soon we'll have people

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writing their memoirs before they're even born.

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"What are you reading?" "A Womb With A View by Harper Seven Beckham".

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Any way, on with the show.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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In a world filled with ambiguity,

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we need someone with credibility

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to help find the answers to our questions.

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As always, we begin by asking, who is tonight's Authenticator?

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She'll need the energy and enthusiasm it took to present Come Dancing...

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# La cucaracha, la cucaracha. #

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LAUGHTER

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She'll need all the class and refinement it took to get an OBE.

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LIGHT SABRE SWOOSH

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An OBE, not Obi.

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After doing Morecambe and Wise she became famous for her lovely legs.

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# La cucaracha, La cucaracha. #

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That's right, tonight's Authenticator

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is national treasure, Angela Rippon!

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JAZZ MUSIC

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-Welcome to the show, Angela.

-Thank you very much indeed.

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As I was reading those, I was thinking, blimey, that's a career.

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Not that it's over!

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LAUGHTER

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-It's already been good is what I mean.

-It's been 45 years long. Yeah.

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-45?!

-Yeah.

-What's been the highlight?

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The highlight is that after 45 years I'm still here!

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You're more than just still here.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And how are you helping us tonight?

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I am going to provide the panel with all the information you need

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-to answer the questions and hopefully we'll between us get them right.

-Brilliant.

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Thank you. When I think we have an answer I'll do this.

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ANGELIC VOCALISATION

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-Wow.

-Sarah, have you been asked anything recently?

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Yes, I've been asked when my DVD comes out.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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You did this last time!

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You did this on the last series.

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I remember saying to you, "What have you learned recently?",

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-and you said something about your upcoming tour.

-Yeah! I'm not an idiot. November 21st.

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-Is it November 21st?

-Yes, it is.

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Oh. A week earlier you can buy mine on the 14th.

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LAUGHTER

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I've got two copies of Mrs Doubtfire if anybody wants to buy them.

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Are you doing one of your car boots?

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-Have you learned anything recently, Amanda?

-I have!

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I was at the Emmys last week and I interviewed Steve,

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what I thought was Buscemi, and apparently it's "boo-skee-mee".

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I don't know who he is. I don't.

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-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Con Air.

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He's what?

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-(IN IRISH ACCENT): Con Air.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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What's Con Air? What's Con... Do you know who he is?

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Do you know who Steve "Bos-kee-mee-boo-skee-mee" is?

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I haven't got a clue cos I only listen to Radio 4.

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Let's find out who wants to know what. Who have we got?

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-Lionel Richie.

-Are we fans of Lionel Richie?

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-Yeah...

-No? Fine.

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I know we're all fans of Kim Jong-Il.

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Are you a fan? We're fans of him. He's a bit of a friend of the show.

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He does write in every week with a question.

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-Has he ever appeared on the programme?

-He hasn't appeared yet,

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but every week on Twitter or Facebook or emails the questions in.

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Are they sensible?

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-Are they sensible?

-Yeah. He's a serious man.

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LAUGHTER

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Rihanna. What does Rihanna want to know?

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I do like it but it's not really new.

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We've been doing the Paula Radcliffe over here for years. LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Let's have our first round.

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Let's see who wants to know what.

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It's a sky diver in Australia. What would they like to know?

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G'day from Australia, Rhod. I've got a question for you.

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Can we live...

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..can we live without money?

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-What do we think?

-I think we can.

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The Greeks are about to live without money, aren't they?

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What does it mean they've run out of money?

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They've just got fatter now.

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That's the National Anthem now.

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Things Can Only Get Fatter.

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To answer the question,

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you would just use something else instead of money, wouldn't you?

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What would you fall back on? Let's say you've got a blocked toilet.

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The plumber comes round and fixes it, you can't give him money. What would you use?

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I'm really good at unblocking toilets.

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But I wouldn't call a plumber. Would you call a plumber for a blocked toilet?

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-Yes!

-What?!

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Put your nails and get cracking.

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Mandy, what would you use instead of money?

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Let's say the pizza delivery man comes round.

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Well I use the barter system.

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It's tit for tat, so you know, you...

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Really? Because I've got a load of tat in my room!

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What would you fall back on, Lloyd?

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I can't imagine you've got anything to fall back on, have you?

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I'm all right at doing massages.

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I'm not very skilful, but I'm enthusiastic.

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Is that still a massage?

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So I could, like, unblock your toilet

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and you could give us a massage!

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Yeah, I'd probably want you to have a shower first!

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You don't really actually use money that much any more.

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We use debit cards and credit cards.

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The last time I used actual money was for, like, a parking metre or wishing well.

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The old "parking-metre-and wishing-well" trick!

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Did you park just to put money in the wishing well?

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That's exactly what I did!

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You must have needed that wish, did you, pet?

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I think that would really take the kind of romance out of a wishing well.

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Imagine, at some point in the future, you just swipe your card across.

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-Have you got a fact for us?

-Yeah, I have.

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Mark Boyle is the founder of the Freeconomy Community,

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and he has lived without money since 2008.

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And he survives by growing his own food,

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by sharing possessions, and by bartering.

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And on his very first day of living without money,

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he fed 150 people a three-course meal with waste and foraged food.

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I'm a member of various online swapping communities.

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It's recycling stuff. It's giving stuff away.

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I've had loads of good stuff like that.

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Somebody advertises online and they say, "I've got this, that and the other. Come round and get it."

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And you go round and you get it for free. Or you offer them stuff.

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-Are they more specific in their descriptions than, "This that and the other."

-Yes!

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I can give you some of the descriptions if want, Sarah. Look at this.

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"Offered, jars. Hi everybody.

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"A bag of various-sized jars going spare.

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"Was going to use them for jam, but I can't be bothered."

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"Offered, large bag of chargers, etc.

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"Will make somebody a lovely Christmas present."

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"Offered, broken DVD player. Will not play.

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"But spins the disc."

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The question was, can we live without money?

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And I asked each of you to bring something in that you could swap.

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So Sarah, what have you brought in?

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Mr Potato Head.

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God, only in Ireland would that get an, "Ahh".

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And Lloyd, what have you got?

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-I've got these, Rhod.

-What are they?

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They're sunglasses

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to stop you being identified by the paparazzi.

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-What have you get there, Amanda?

-I've got one of these little gadgets.

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-That's not quite as good, that, to be honest.

-Well, not quite, which is why I would like to swap it.

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What have you got, Greg?

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I feel a bit embarrassed, actually, Rhod, because I didn't know until this afternoon...

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..I genuinely didn't know we were doing this swap item.

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So I just had to run around the hotel I'm staying in and bring what I can.

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Some soap there as well.

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-That's all right!

-Shower cap.

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Light shade.

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Nice dressing gown.

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It is a nice dressing gown.

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Is there anything left in your hotel room?!

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-Who wants what, then?

-I quite like all of this.

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-Greg, would you swap for a Mr Potato Head?

-Yes, I would!

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Because I'm staying in the same hotel.

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Now I've got two of everything!

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Whereas Greg is entirely alone in a bare room with one Mr Potato Head!

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And while we clear that little lot away, let's have another fact from Angela, please.

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The question was, can we live without money?

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Well, I think we've got someone who can give you the answer,

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because on the telephone to help you is Professor of International Economics at Nottingham University,

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Dr Daniel Bernhofen.

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-Dr Bernhofen.

-'Yes!

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-'Speaking, hello.'

-Hello.

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-You're on the show. Welcome to the show.

-'Thank you.'

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You're German?

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'I'm German, yes. I teach at the University of Nottingham.'

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Right, how did you end up in Nottingham?

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'Because I like Robin Hood!'

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LAUGHTER

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The question is, could we live without money?

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Presumably, there are cultures that do live without money, aren't there, Professor?

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'Yes, I think we take money for granted in our society.

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'It helps to look at some examples where people didn't have money, for instance, prisoners' camps.

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-'They came up with cigarettes.'

-Yes. Cigarettes as a currency, you mean?

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'Yes, as a currency, yes, as a medium of exchange.'

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If, Professor, all money was got rid of tomorrow, if the system failed

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and all money was worthless, what do you think would happen?

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'The system would collapse, because society is quite complex.

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'We need a lot of transactions

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'and the easiest thing is paper money right now,

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'because we probably wouldn't have enough cigarettes to sustain all the exchanges going on.'

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To sum up, do we need money? We do?

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'We do, yes, the economy is too complex operating without money.'

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OK. I'm going to take that as an answer. Thank you, Professor.

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-'OK, bye-bye.'

-Bye-bye.

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I don't know about you,

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but I no clearer than I was a little while ago.

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So, Skydiver, you asked could we live without money,

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and the answer is no, we can't, not as a society.

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I'm going to award that round to Greg for his bartering ability.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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So, let's see who else has a question for us.

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Oh, Lord Coe. Shall we have a question from Lord Coe? Let's see what he would like to know.

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, hang on, here's another one from Kim Jong-Il. He's a good friend of the show.

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He's constantly sending stuff in. He's very active.

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Hang on a minute. Look at this. Anthony Worrall Thompson.

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It's the image of him! (?)

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Let's have a question from Mr Worrall Thompson.

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No, I haven't, personally.

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What's next? Oh, it's our next round, which is A Famous Face Asks.

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Let's see who we've got.

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Well, it doesn't look like him, but apparently that's Justin Lee Collins and Shayne Ward.

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What would they like to know?

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Hi, Rod.

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After a long, hard day rocking out on stage,

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we like to kick back and contemplate the most serious questions in life.

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So our question to you is,

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are animals in the modern world pulling their weight?

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Are animals in the modern world pulling their weight?

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Doesn't look like Justin Lee Collins, that, does it?

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I thought the one on the right was Jordan when they first came up.

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They're in costume for the show

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they're doing in London at the moment.

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-Can you see what you can find out?

-Yes.

-Are animals pulling their weight?

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I think it depends on the animal.

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Like a dog, you get sniffer dogs, you get guide dogs for the blind,

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you get, like, fire dogs.

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Hang on a minute.

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Did you run out of dogs just before the third one?

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What's a fire dog?

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They put special protective boots on the dog, and they...

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Are you making this up?

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If there's a building that's unstable because of a fire,

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they think, we won't send any people in, we'll just send a fire dog in.

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He's not making it up!

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After 9/11, when they were trying to get into Ground Zero,

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the dogs that they sent in all had special little booties made for them

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so that they could walk across all that hot material, so he's right.

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Don't you make fun of him.

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AUDIENCE: Oooooh!

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And they're off!

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Here, you can see this dog is really pulling its weight in the garden.

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LAUGHTER

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The best bit about that is that little look to camera.

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-Did you see that?

-It's almost like he's going, yes, I am.

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-They act as well, dogs.

-You talk about acting dogs.

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-Wellard in EastEnders is a boy, isn't he? The character.

-Yeah.

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I've got a feeling that the dog playing him was a girl.

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-Lassie was a girl. Lassie was a girl.

-I know Lassie was a girl. But I never saw Lassie go to the toilet.

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-Well, she wouldn't on camera, would she? She was a lady.

-Wellard did.

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Wellard did.

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It was a female dog, so he should have squatted, but he was such a good actor, like a method actor,

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that he would cock a leg against a...

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Absolute nonsense.

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They just had a bit of a fishing line on the dog's leg.

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Why didn't they just get a male dog in?

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-Male dog in just for the toilet scenes.

-Yeah, like a stunt dog.

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I'm not sure there were that many toilet scenes.

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You seem to remember them all, though.

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It would be amazing if Phil Mitchell was crying about his drug habit and the camera just panned...

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I'm not even boy!

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Mostly dogs do pull their weight, I think.

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-Others could be working harder.

-I feel a bit sorry for them, really.

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-Horses are sort of obsolete now. They will have to start developing new skills.

-Horses are obsolete!

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Tell that to a jockey!

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Yeah, but that's just a novelty, isn't it?

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-The Grand National would never be the same without them!

-No.

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I think we could be doing more with them,

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and one of the things I would suggest doing is getting elephants involved more.

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Elephants are very good at painting, and they could be used in far more painting and decorating.

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And just to prove that he is right,

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I think this elephant could be the next Picasso.

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That is pretty cool, isn't it?

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What's happened is, that elephant's just got a really encouraging dad elephant

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that's gone, that's brilliant, what you've done there, pet, when really it's a bit shit.

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It is. We've all had that.

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Is he going to put it on his massive elephant fridge?

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The advantage of being an elephant painter is your pictures

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are going to sell for peanuts.

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Oh!

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Why not get them painting the Forth Bridge?

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-Doesn't need to any more.

-Why not?

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They've just come out with a new paint that means it's going to last for ever and ever.

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That's one of the reasons why it's not a good idea for elephants to paint the Forth Bridge.

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It'll look ridiculous that I'm getting so angry,

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but the thing is, I know you believe all these things.

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You think animals should be utilised that way

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and we should get elephants walking up the Forth Bridge.

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As long as it's done humanely - you could get an elephant in a crane...

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We could train a load of cranes to fly an elephant up there!

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-Let's have another fact.

-Zebras as dentists. Do you believe that?

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If you don't, here's the proof.

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This is the shot from Zurich Zoo of a zebra cleaning a hippo's teeth.

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The zebra didn't lose his head!

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There's lots of examples of symbiotic relationships in nature.

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-My dad was in Peru, in the jungle.

-SNIGGERING >

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It's true! Why are you laughing?!

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My dad was in Peru in the jungle and he went on a tour.

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Are you confusing your dad with Paddington Bear?

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This is true. He was in Peru and he was on this tour.

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They were showing him round and the guy lifted up a stone

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or something and there was a spider and a frog that lived together.

0:20:040:20:11

Aw, that's really sweet.

0:20:110:20:14

-They were cohabitating or they just happened to be under the stone together?

-Exactly.

0:20:140:20:19

How do you know? Were there two toothbrushes there? How do you know?

0:20:190:20:23

Because there's lots - under every stone there would be a spider

0:20:230:20:27

and a frog living together.

0:20:270:20:30

The spider goes out and hunts and the frog cleans the house.

0:20:300:20:34

-It's true!

-You may scoff, but he's absolutely right!

0:20:350:20:39

The frog benefits by eating small invertebrates that are attracted

0:20:390:20:44

to prey remains that are left by the spider, and the spider benefits

0:20:440:20:47

because the frog eats ants, which is one of the major predators

0:20:470:20:50

of spiders' eggs and they do have this wonderful symbiotic relationship.

0:20:500:20:54

You're right. Beavers and woodpeckers live together.

0:20:540:20:59

The beaver builds the dam, the house,

0:20:590:21:01

and then the woodpecker does the more intricate - the coving...

0:21:010:21:05

-Angela, are we any closer to getting an answer?

-Yes, indeed.

0:21:100:21:13

The facts are, economically,

0:21:130:21:15

that working animals in agriculture, zoos and aquariums across the UK

0:21:150:21:18

and Ireland rake in around five billion a year for the economy.

0:21:180:21:24

But the real money-spinner is in the pet industry,

0:21:240:21:27

with pet owners spending an average of £14.9 billion a year.

0:21:270:21:31

A guy called Professor David Martin suggests that the pleasure

0:21:310:21:35

that we derive from owning pets adds value to our lives

0:21:350:21:38

and he concludes that, yes, animals ARE pulling their weight

0:21:380:21:42

because if you've really got a very faithful dog,

0:21:420:21:45

you can't put a price on that, can you?

0:21:450:21:47

-I'll take that as an answer.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:470:21:51

Justin and Shane, you asked are animals in the modern world

0:21:560:21:59

pulling their weight and the answer is yes, they are.

0:21:590:22:03

I'm going to award that round to Sarah.

0:22:030:22:06

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:22:060:22:07

Next up it's my quick-fire round - The Audience Asks.

0:22:120:22:15

I'll get through as many questions as I can before we heard this noise.

0:22:150:22:19

# Let's face the music and dance. #

0:22:190:22:22

We don't get the answer button - there's no time for that. You just get this bell.

0:22:240:22:28

So, our quick-fire round. Who is first? Sam Armstrong.

0:22:280:22:31

-What's your question, Sam?

-Why do men snore more than women?

0:22:310:22:34

I don't know but you've got a good bit of attitude on you.

0:22:340:22:38

-"Oh, i want to know!"

-What makes you think they do?

-My wife told me.

0:22:380:22:41

How many men has she slept with to find out?

0:22:410:22:43

LAUGHTER

0:22:430:22:44

DING!

0:22:440:22:46

Lesley Dyson, where are you?

0:22:500:22:52

Are you one of the Dysons who's made billions off the hoover?

0:22:520:22:55

-I wish.

-Shame.

-Why do the majority of OAPs have short, permed hair?

0:22:550:23:01

I think it's because when they have their photo taken

0:23:010:23:04

for their bus pass, they've got that hair

0:23:040:23:06

and they've got to keep it or they'll not get recognised.

0:23:060:23:09

-DING!

-That'll do it. That's an answer!

0:23:090:23:11

David Marron. What's your question, David?

0:23:120:23:17

On average, how often does a person meet the same stranger in a lifetime?

0:23:170:23:22

Just once, or it wouldn't be a stranger?

0:23:220:23:25

Randomly, when you're walking down the street.

0:23:250:23:28

You don't realise you've met the person you've just walked past.

0:23:280:23:32

How often could that happen in a lifetime?

0:23:320:23:34

Have you noticed there's an inherent flaw in this question?

0:23:340:23:38

How do you know, David? Nobody's going to know.

0:23:380:23:41

If you don't recognise the person, you don't know you've passed them, how can anybody...

0:23:410:23:45

-Statistically speaking, without knowing.

-Statistically speaking, 12%.

0:23:450:23:49

DING!

0:23:490:23:51

How the hell do we know?!

0:23:510:23:52

Who's next? Helen Struthers.

0:23:540:23:57

Where are you? Hello! What's your question?

0:23:570:24:00

What would you call the eighth dwarf?

0:24:000:24:03

-I'd call the eighth one...Stinky.

-Why?

-Because it goes with all the others.

0:24:030:24:09

Happy, Grumpy. It's got an "ee" on the end of it. It sort of goes.

0:24:090:24:13

And also, living with seven others, he would be after a while.

0:24:130:24:17

Why not a girl's name? Why not Helen?

0:24:170:24:22

I think there should be a more modern dwarf. We've got Sneezy.

0:24:240:24:27

Let's have Jay-Z.

0:24:270:24:29

DING!

0:24:290:24:31

I'm going to go Helen.

0:24:310:24:33

APPLAUSE

0:24:330:24:36

-Barry Donaghey, is that how you say it?

-Yep.

-Hiya, Barry.

-How you doing?

0:24:360:24:40

What's your question?

0:24:400:24:41

What would the world be like if we could see each other's thoughts.

0:24:410:24:45

Quite a hard question, Barry.

0:24:450:24:46

-What would the world be like...?

-I think it would make people better.

0:24:460:24:51

Wouldn't it make you a more good person

0:24:510:24:53

if you knew somebody could read your mind?

0:24:530:24:56

-I think I'd be a nicer person.

-Like censorship.

0:24:560:24:59

I'd kill less people, you know.

0:24:590:25:01

-Would the thoughts appear?

-In a little thought bubble beside your head.

0:25:010:25:05

I'd wear one of those big Rastafarian hats.

0:25:050:25:07

And track your own thought in your own hat?

0:25:090:25:12

I think Sarah's right, it would curb your thoughts and make you a better person.

0:25:120:25:16

DING!

0:25:160:25:18

APPLAUSE

0:25:180:25:20

# Let's face the music and dance. #

0:25:200:25:22

That sound meant that we're out of time but I think we did pretty well there

0:25:220:25:26

-and I'll award that round to Lloyd for his massive Rastafarian hat.

-APPLAUSE

0:25:260:25:32

That's nearly all for this week, but there's time for one more question. It is Our Special Guest Asks round.

0:25:350:25:41

-Amanda, do you have a question for us this week?

-I do, Rhod.

0:25:410:25:44

I've always been curious - what is the most romantic nationality?

0:25:440:25:49

What is the most romantic nationality?

0:25:490:25:52

Angela, see what you can find.

0:25:520:25:54

What do YOU think is the most romantic nationality?

0:25:540:25:58

Not being biased, but I do think that Irish men are the most

0:25:580:26:02

romantic nationality.

0:26:020:26:04

-I think...yeah.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:040:26:06

Irish men are so romantic - even after 15 pints of Guinness,

0:26:080:26:12

they love everyone!

0:26:120:26:14

-They do, but that's not romance.

-It is in Ireland!

0:26:160:26:19

I'll tell you who isn't the most romantic nation

0:26:210:26:24

in my experience - the Americans.

0:26:240:26:26

When I was 17, my dad was working over in America and I went

0:26:260:26:29

and ended up having a nice kiss with a young lady, sitting in a field

0:26:290:26:34

in the moonlight, and this is a quote - she said to me, "Oh, I really like you.

0:26:340:26:38

"I really want you to be number 11."

0:26:380:26:41

LAUGHTER

0:26:410:26:43

I wasn't even the one to take her into double figures.

0:26:430:26:47

Let's have a fact from Angela, about romance, please.

0:26:470:26:49

Apparently there has been research done

0:26:490:26:52

to find out the top three things

0:26:520:26:54

women would like me to do, to prove how romantic they are.

0:26:540:26:57

Let's let our panel guess to see if they can get any of the top three

0:26:570:27:00

things that women... It is always what women want men to do!

0:27:000:27:04

Always what...! Go on, what are the top three things?

0:27:040:27:06

Amanda, what do you like from a man, romance-wise?

0:27:060:27:09

-Massage my feet.

-A foot massage?

0:27:090:27:11

Is that there?

0:27:110:27:13

BUZZER

0:27:130:27:14

No, it's not.

0:27:140:27:16

Women are more practical than that - is it, take the bins out?

0:27:160:27:19

It should be!

0:27:190:27:21

Top three romantic gestures, is it there, take the bins out?

0:27:210:27:23

BUZZER

0:27:230:27:25

No. Well, Lloyd?

0:27:250:27:28

They are always banging on about leaving the toilet seat down.

0:27:280:27:31

You think in the top... In a poll of romantic gestures,

0:27:310:27:38

putting the toilet seat up or down is going to be in there?

0:27:380:27:41

Is toilet seat there?

0:27:410:27:42

BUZZER

0:27:420:27:44

I bet flowers is there.

0:27:440:27:45

I've never bought a woman flowers.

0:27:450:27:46

-Really?

-Doesn't surprise me.

0:27:460:27:49

We were all away, I can't even remember where

0:27:490:27:52

but us three were all away, and Lloyd and I bought flowers for people,

0:27:520:27:55

and you took a picture of some flowers in the hotel lobby

0:27:550:27:58

and sent it to your girlfriend.

0:27:580:28:01

That genuinely happened!

0:28:010:28:02

Cos he was feeling guilty.

0:28:020:28:05

Is taking a picture of some flowers up there?

0:28:050:28:09

BUZZER

0:28:090:28:10

What about buying flowers?

0:28:100:28:12

BUZZER

0:28:120:28:15

What is up there?

0:28:150:28:17

-Sexy lingerie?

-Got to be.

0:28:170:28:19

BUZZER

0:28:190:28:20

You don't like sexy lingerie being bought for you, do you, women?

0:28:200:28:22

As long as you get the size right.

0:28:220:28:25

As long as it's, you know, all filled in.

0:28:250:28:28

What's the "filled in" bit?!

0:28:320:28:34

-I don't know, somebody else wearing it?!

-I didn't mean somebody else trying it on for you!

0:28:340:28:39

Are you talking about somebody buying you sexy underwear

0:28:390:28:41

with another woman in it?!

0:28:410:28:43

That's really romantic, that is(!)

0:28:430:28:46

I bought you this woman in knickers!

0:28:460:28:49

Is woman in knickers up there?

0:28:490:28:50

BUZZER

0:28:500:28:52

No! What is up there? Come on, somebody!

0:28:520:28:55

There are three of them, I'll give you them in reverse order.

0:28:550:29:00

The third on is that woman would apparently love men to write a song or poem about them.

0:29:000:29:03

DING!

0:29:030:29:05

Song or a poem. What's number two, then?

0:29:050:29:09

Number two is whisk her away somewhere exciting for the weekend.

0:29:090:29:14

DING!

0:29:140:29:15

There's a very fine line between whisking someone away, and kidnap.

0:29:150:29:19

First thing women would love men to do to prove they're romantic -

0:29:220:29:26

cover her eyes and lead her to a lovely surprise.

0:29:260:29:31

I just find it unbelievable that that's the first one, unprompted, that a woman would come out with.

0:29:310:29:35

Have you ever been, covered your eyes and...

0:29:350:29:39

Had my eyes covered?!

0:29:390:29:40

..to a lovely surprise?

0:29:400:29:41

I've had me head put under a duvet before, is that...

0:29:410:29:44

LAUGHTER

0:29:440:29:45

..similar?

0:29:450:29:47

-Isn't that a Dutch oven?

-Yeah!

-Yeah.

0:29:470:29:50

And what was the lovely surprise?

0:29:500:29:52

The lovely surprise was, "Oh, smells like somebody's cooking gravy!"

0:29:520:29:56

"Oh, there's no gravy!" But to be honest...

0:29:580:30:01

-You haven't had that done to you!

-I have.

0:30:010:30:03

And also I've done it!

0:30:030:30:04

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:30:040:30:07

Angela, what do you think the most romantic nationality is, personally?

0:30:110:30:13

Erm, from personal experience?

0:30:130:30:15

-Mm-hmm.

-The French.

-Aah!

0:30:150:30:17

-Do you?

-Mm-hmm.

-Go on.

0:30:170:30:19

Yeah, just because I had a French boyfriend for many, many years

0:30:190:30:23

who was incredibly romantic.

0:30:230:30:24

Like, what did he do?

0:30:240:30:25

The accent was wonderful

0:30:250:30:27

and one of the most romantic things we ever did

0:30:270:30:30

was, in New York,

0:30:300:30:32

going on July 4th,

0:30:320:30:34

he took me on a sailing boat in the River Hudson,

0:30:340:30:37

where we had dinner on the boat, and we sailed up the river,

0:30:370:30:40

and watched the fireworks as they went off on July 4th.

0:30:400:30:44

-Very romantic.

-Aaaw, he took you up the Hudson?

0:30:440:30:47

-He took me up the Hudson.

-LAUGHTER

0:30:470:30:50

I've got a way of working out what the most romantic nationality is.

0:30:530:30:57

-So...

-Have you?

-Yes, I have, everyone!

0:30:570:30:59

So let's go to the lab!

0:30:590:31:01

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:31:010:31:03

Welcome to the lab!

0:31:070:31:09

Where this week we are trying to determine which is the most romantic nationality

0:31:090:31:12

using the most up-to-date scientific methods.

0:31:120:31:14

It's America vs Italy.

0:31:140:31:17

Representing, first up, America,

0:31:170:31:18

please welcome Lloyd 'The Apocalyptic Horseman of Love' Langford!

0:31:180:31:22

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:31:220:31:24

Representing Italy, it is Greg 'Salami Davis Junior'...

0:31:240:31:29

Here he comes now, Greg Davies!

0:31:290:31:31

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:31:310:31:33

We can see where most of the budget went, on costumes!

0:31:350:31:39

-That is what I thought was the national dress of Italy and America.

-Did you?

-Yeah.

0:31:390:31:42

Yeah. Right. A massive sausage and a cowboy.

0:31:420:31:45

The aim of the game is to save our damsel in distress,

0:31:450:31:48

Amanda Byram, from certain gunging, over there in her tower.

0:31:480:31:53

You must compete across this wall of death.

0:31:530:31:56

Behind there we have Sarah Millican and Angela Rippon,

0:31:560:31:59

who will attempt to punch you off.

0:31:590:32:01

Are you ready?

0:32:010:32:02

-Yes!

-Yee-hah!

0:32:020:32:04

OK. In that case, go!

0:32:040:32:06

CHEERING

0:32:060:32:09

Our valiant hero, the love stallion!

0:32:090:32:12

Superb punch from Sarah there!

0:32:130:32:15

Up you get, Sergeant Pepperami!

0:32:160:32:18

You can do it! Save me, please! Please save me!

0:32:180:32:21

It's your agent!

0:32:210:32:23

-You're fired!

-"It's your agent!"

0:32:230:32:25

Come on! You can do it!

0:32:290:32:31

Oh, my God!

0:32:320:32:35

Never mind that, come on!

0:32:350:32:37

Come on! You can do this! This is against the clock, you know!

0:32:390:32:42

Help me! Please, Lloyd, please!

0:32:420:32:45

Come on, Lloyd! Get your horse...

0:32:450:32:48

He's doing...

0:32:480:32:49

LAUGHTER

0:32:490:32:52

I'm coming, Amanda!

0:32:520:32:54

As long as Angela Rippon doesn't... Oh! Tasty!

0:32:550:32:58

I know you can do it!

0:32:580:33:00

-Come on!

-Oh!

0:33:000:33:02

Is that a pasty you've got?!

0:33:060:33:08

HOOTER

0:33:080:33:11

Time's up. Neither Sergeant Pepperami or the Love Stallion

0:33:140:33:17

were able to help Amanda Byram, she inevitably gets gunged, I'm afraid!

0:33:170:33:20

No!

0:33:200:33:22

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:33:220:33:25

Unlucky in love!

0:33:250:33:26

I think we've established, fairly scientifically,

0:33:260:33:29

that neither the USA nor Italy are the most romantic nation!

0:33:290:33:32

So, Angela, it leaves us to find out,

0:33:320:33:35

who is the most romantic nation?

0:33:350:33:37

According to a survey held in 2009,

0:33:370:33:41

the French are still the most romantic nation,

0:33:410:33:44

with 32% of the vote.

0:33:440:33:46

Italians came second with 22%,

0:33:460:33:49

whilst in 3rd place, the Irish, with 18%!

0:33:490:33:52

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:33:530:33:57

I will take that as an answer.

0:33:570:33:59

Can you press the button, please, Angela?

0:33:590:34:01

I am going to award that round to Amanda,

0:34:010:34:04

cos look at the state of her!

0:34:040:34:05

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:34:050:34:07

That is pretty much it for tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

0:34:090:34:12

people of Britain, if you've got a question you can tweet:

0:34:120:34:15

But for tonight, it is thanks to Amanda Byram!

0:34:150:34:18

Sarah Millican!

0:34:180:34:19

Greg Davies!

0:34:190:34:20

And Lloyd Langford!

0:34:200:34:22

And of course, our authenticator, Angela Rippon, ladies and gentlemen!

0:34:220:34:26

I'm Rhod Gilbert, and you can ask me literally anything.

0:34:260:34:29

Good night!

0:34:290:34:31

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:34:360:34:39

E-mail [email protected]

0:34:390:34:42

Angela Rippon, Amanda Byram and Sarah Millican join Rhod Gilbert, Greg Davies and Lloyd Langford in the comedic search for answers to some more of the world's most intriguing questions.


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