Episode 6 Ask Rhod Gilbert

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Tonight on Ask Rhod Gilbert, our special guests are...

'He's the king of the airwaves, it's Christian O'Connell.

'And gorgeously grumpy old woman, Jenny Eclair.

'They're here every week - Greg Davies...

'And Lloyd Langford.

'Ladies and gentlemen, Ask Rhod Gilbert!'

CHEERING

Hello, I'm Rhod Gilbert. My job is to find the answers to the questions that keep us awake at night.

Questions like, "How come every year dogs receive awards for bravery and get to meet the Queen?"

A human being has to behave for 100 years before her secretary will send you a birthday card.

If you're a dog, 30 seconds in a frozen lake and you're sniffing royal bottoms at Buckingham Palace.

It's like an "all you can sniff" corgi bum buffet!

It's always the same heroic story.

"Rover was so brave. I fell in the icy waters and he jumped in after me."

He didn't have much choice. You didn't let go of his lead!

It's like saying your nan's into parkour as she fell down the stairs.

Here's another classic. "The house was on fire, but Rex started barking and woke us up."

Of course he did. Barking is the dog equivalent of going, "Aaagh!"

We have to stop attributing human emotions to animals.

Your hamster was separated from his family and spends most of his life behind bars.

It doesn't make him Nelson Mandela!

-Anyway, on with the show.

-APPLAUSE

We need someone with credibility to help us find the answers to our questions,

so we begin by asking, "Who is tonight's authenticator?"

He'll need every ounce of nous that he musters when giving business advice to Lord Sugar.

You're fired!

He'll need all the composure he uses to hold his own against Karren Brady.

To keep us in check, he'll need to pull out his trademark withering looks.

Yes, tonight's authenticator is the scourge of every apprentice in the country - Nick Hewer!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

THEME MUSIC: "The Apprentice"

-Hello, Nick.

-Hello.

-Thank you for coming on the show.

-My pleasure.

-Junior Apprentice is back.

-Yeah, we're looking forward to that.

-Are some of these kids chimney sweep age?

-Let me tell you...

-Can I just stop you? What is chimney sweep age?

Well, around seven, I think, is good for sending up a chimney.

No, ours are... No, ours are...

I mean, one young chap, just 16 and a wonderful... I mean, they are terrific.

How will you help us tonight, Nick?

I will be providing you with all the facts that you and the panel need to answer the questions tonight.

Wonderful. When I think we have an answer, I will do this.

-Jenny, thanks for coming on the show.

-It's a pleasure.

-Have you learnt anything recently?

Well, I've learnt I like the word "babaghanoush". I like it. It's a good word.

-What is "babaghanoush"?

-Well, I know. It's a grilled aubergine smashed up.

-I don't think it exists.

-It's an Indian god... Babaganoush is also a monkey god.

-No, it's not.

-Yes, it is.

-That's Ganesh.

-That's the fella.

-You're thinking about that one with the elephant...

-Elephant head is Ganesh, not "Baby Ghanoush".

-You know this isn't Call My Bluff?

-Sorry.

"Babaghanoush is a South African mouse."

Let's find out who wants to know what tonight. Who have we got?

-Who's this fella?

-AUDIENCE: Aw!

-It's an albino seal.

-It's a little seal.

READS OUT QUESTION

LAUGHTER

Robbie? Any fans of Robbie?

-Yeah.

-There are in the audience. You like him, Nick?

-His Ebworth concert was the best thing I've ever seen.

-"Ebworth"?

-Was it Ebworth?

-I think the K is silent, but not the N too.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Knebworth, was it?

-Knebworth. You were there?

No, I watched it on television.

LAUGHTER

I watched it on "elevision".

That's enough humiliation for one week.

A friend of the show, Kim Jong-il, always sends a question in.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There'll be a time when you get in trouble for taking the mickey out of a dictator every week on the show.

Do not for one moment think that he doesn't know. He's got people.

It sounds like you're one of them, Nick.

-You genuinely think he knows?

-Of course.

I'd love it if you opened your hotel room one night and...

"Surprise!"

Who would you fancy in a stand-off? Kim Jong or Lord Sugar?

No, Lord Sugar has it on the aggression front.

-Is he capable...

-Over Kim Jong-il?!

You think Kim Jong's going to come in, Alan's going to go, "You're fired," and he'll go, "Oh, damn"?

LAUGHTER

This is our first round, A Famous Face Asks. Let's see who wants to know what tonight.

It's Alex and Matt from The One Show. What would they like to know?

Hello, Rhod. On The One Show, we like to ask hard-hitting questions, but we don't always get the chance.

So now that we've got the chance, we have to ask - what's the point of dancing?

That's a very good question. What is the point of dancing?

Nick, see what you can find out and I will quiz our panel. What's the point of dancing, Jenny?

I don't know the origins of dancing.

I suppose, as soon as people had legs, limbs and alcohol, then dancing ensued.

You've got to be very careful with dancing. I had a nightmare once.

The one time I really let go in public, years ago, was at college

and I really let myself go on the dance floor.

The next day, I went into college and a girl came up to me on two crutches

and said, "You did this to me."

I did a dramatic high-kick action and caught her in the side of the face, apparently.

I don't enjoy dancing at all.

I feel really self-conscious that people are pointing and laughing.

- It's because they are. - That's why I don't enjoy it.

-Are you embarrassed to dance?

-Yeah, I feel uncomfortable.

-Maybe I can help loosen you up a bit.

MUSIC: "Disco Inferno" - The Trammps

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Come on, Lloyd!

LAUGHTER

Did that not get you out of your inhibitions?

What, being molested?

LAUGHTER

But do you not... Did you not feel liberated? Cos that's the way to do it.

Christian, do you dance or are you too embarrassed?

I only have one dance move. My wife calls it the Tony Hadley.

She thinks that I try and dance like Tony Hadley.

-Sounds awesome.

-It's amazing.

-Let's have a look at it.

-You want to see the Hadley?

-Yeah.

I will show you the Hadley and I will pass it on to you, Lloyd.

The Hadley, it starts like this. The legs have to be wide, OK?

It starts with the stance. You need a good stance.

Who hasn't seen this guy drunk at a family get-together? You just go like this.

MUSIC: "Gold" - Spandau Ballet

APPLAUSE

Nick, are you a good dancer?

As a kid, I was, but now no, the rhythm has completely gone.

I set it aside or mislaid it at about the same time as I lost my libido.

LAUGHTER

If you trip over it, leave it where it is. It got me into enough trouble.

-What, your libido or your...?

-Both.

-When you're young, you dance to try and get off with people.

And when that stops, you dance to frighten people.

And also needing to go to the lavatory.

-Maybe that's the origin of dancing.

-What do you mean, needing to go to the lavatory?

You start doing that and the next thing you know, you're up on your feet.

Let's have a fact, Nick.

Some dance moves are better than others when it comes to attracting the opposite sex.

Researchers at Northumbria University filmed men dancing using 3D motion capture technology

and showed women the footage. And here is the video.

MUSIC: "Gold" - Spandau Ballet

-It's Christian O'Connell!

-This is what will capture a woman's heart.

MUSIC: "Disco Inferno"

Dancing never works. I've got a theory that nobody in the world likes going to nightclubs.

They're just designed for us to gyrate our hips and for people to decide if we fancy them or not.

I'd rather walk through a room with a load of lights on and there'd be a buzzer system.

I walk past a girl and she just goes, "Buzz, no, buzz, no,

"buzz, no," and I'm out and I'm home in ten minutes.

-You don't have to buy drinks or...

-MIMICS THUMPING MUSIC

-I've seen you out in clubs. You love dancing.

-Because the buzzer system doesn't exist.

Are we any closer to an answer?

I've got somebody on the phone who should be able to give the answer.

It's Dr Peter Lovatt, Head of the Dance Psychology Lab, University of Hertfordshire,

and he should be on the line right now.

-'Hello.'

-How are you?

-'I'm very well.'

-Good.

-The University of Hertfordshire?

-'Yeah.

-'I run the Dance Psychology Lab there.'

-And what is that?

'We do scientific research into the effects of dance on a whole range of things to do with psychology.'

Once somebody has learnt the psychology of dance, what do they go on to do?

'They work in a whole range of areas. We've got people applying this in schools right now.

'If we can find out ways of teaching children the science curriculum,

'but introducing bits of dance into that to help them learn.'

You've lost me there.

-So you've got a kid with a Bunsen burner and you're telling them to break out into the robot?

-'Exactly.'

I would have found it extremely unnerving at school if my English teacher had gone,

"We're doing basic grammar today."

# I before E except after C... #

What's the point of dancing?

'There are lots of points to dancing, but one of the points is all about communication.

'We're communicating our hormonal and genetic make-up or we're communicating in motion

'when we're trying to communicate non-verbally to somebody else.

'Or it might be as a health benefit to keep us fit and healthy.'

We'll take that as an answer. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

So, Alex and Matt, you asked, "What's the point of dancing?"

The answer is it's to communicate emotional and hormonal information about ourselves.

I'll award that round to Christian for his Tony Hadley.

APPLAUSE

You can use it as well.

Let's see who else has a question for us.

-George Clooney. I suppose you fancy him, do you, Jenny?

-No, not particularly.

-Do you not?

It's such a cliche. I don't want to fancy somebody because he's good-looking and successful.

They're good reasons to fancy somebody.

-I've always gone for the toothless, tattooed idiot on the waltzer.

-Help yourself.

Help yourself. We've sat you in the right seat.

Let's have a question from Sir Stelios... How do you pronounce that, Nick? You're the expert.

-That'll be Haji-Ioannou.

-Sir Stelios Haji-Ioannou. What does he want to know?

"Anyway, back to the plastering." It's all right, it's fine.

Ross Kemp. Let's have a question from Ross.

Robbie Savage. Oh, it's Lord Sugar.

I think it would be rude not to have a question from Lord Sugar.

-Does he mind you doing other stuff?

-Within reason and if they're appropriate, Rhod.

-Does he know you're doing this?

-No.

Oh, this is our next round, The World Asks. Let's see who wants to know what.

It's a trainer at Seaworld. What can they possibly want to know?

Hi, Rhod. Shamu the killer whale has lots of energy thanks to his seafood diet.

What I want to know is - which country has the best diet?

What do we mean by "best"?

-We've got the best diet because we've got Marks & Spencer's.

-Christian?

-Spanish, tapas.

-Oh.

-Yeah.

I've been to Iceland and they have some...

It's not as good as Marks & Spencer's, is it?

APPLAUSE

Yes, I went to Iceland and they do have some very bizarre eating habits.

Putrefied shark.

-Yes.

-But they eat us fresh.

Interestingly.

-They eat what?

-Us fresh.

-Us?

-Yeah.

-It's amazing. You become more sinister with every sentence.

-Who eats us fresh?

-Sharks.

-Oh, I thought you meant the bloody Icelandic...

I was thinking, "What are you on about?"

The sharks are not going to take us and go, "We'll keep this for a month or two.

-"We'll come back to this at Christmas."

-Have you not been to a shark barbecue?

Crocodiles... Crocodiles pop you under a log until you've putrefied a bit and then they eat you.

-Do they?

-Yeah. They should have a word with the sharks.

-You eat crocodile. You were in the jungle on I'm A Thingy.

-I'm A Celebrity, yes.

-I ate crocodile anus.

-Did they say, "You can pick any bit you like"?

It was firm and moist and I preferred it to turkey.

-I'd rather have...

-Merry Christmas, everyone!

LAUGHTER

Crocodile arse with all the trimmings!

Come back, Tiny Tim!

-Who's got the nicest food?

-The best food I've ever eaten is Sri Lankan food.

Very spicy, healthy curries with lots of vegetables.

Don't go to Mongolia.

-Not for Sri Lankan food!

-Thanks, Nick.

-Do you go on road trips with Alan?

-I invited him to go to Mongolia. He said, "Not one for me, mate."

But I did drive to Mongolia and I lost a lot of weight in Mongolia.

-Because of the food?

-Because of the food. Everything else was swimming!

No, because of the fitness videos(!)

-Nick, have you got another fact for us?

-I have indeed.

Italy may well be a contender. Pasta has topped the poll of the world's most popular food.

Jim Winship of the Pizza, Pasta And Italian Food Association says... And he would, wouldn't he?

"It's because you can create lots of different dishes with it, it's filling and has a long shelf life."

In Italy, they make ratatouille on their back door step. They put all the vegetables in, let it soak

and cook gently in the sun. Imagine doing that in London? It would be full of cat shit!

-What do you think the healthiest diet is? Christian?

-You don't see a lot of chunky Japanese people.

-Sumo?

-They're the exceptions to the rule!

-Oh, OK.

-Jenny, best?

-I'm going to go us.

-Us?

-GB.

-I've got a little experiment here. The best is us?

-Yeah.

-Healthiest is Japanese.

I need a guinea pig. Greg. Would you...

I want you to be the judge of which one is the better diet.

-OK.

-Does that sound reasonable?

-Yes, it does.

-Do we have a deal?

-Yes.

I'm going to blend a British diet. Now for our British diet we'll have some staples,

like the good old British baked bean, some peas, a little bit of fish and chips.

In it goes. Bacon and eggs.

Half a pasty and let's have a bit of good old British cha.

Right. We're going to blend that up...

What is the point of this experiment, mate?

-We're just going to see...

-AUDIENCE GROAN

So that's our British diet.

-Now we're going to try Japanese.

-Oh, God...

-First we have a little bit of fish.

-Oh, no.

Oh, God.

And then some teriyaki chicken. That's a Japanese tea - a green tea. And this is...

-some bits of octopus.

-Oh(!)

And lots of noodles.

-Wasabi.

-Oh, get some wasabi in.

-Oh, just a bit!

-Mate, that's ridiculous!

I find Japanese food can be a bit bland without wasabi.

Now then... OK, give that a whiz.

-It's a better colour, isn't it?

-A better drink.

-I'm sorry. Christian is actually gagging next to me!

-I've just seen one of the fish eyes come out.

-Don't get them mixed up, Greg.

-Heaven forbid.

-This is the delicious British diet. Jenny, would you like to try some?

-Oh, God, no!

-You said it was your favourite, Jenny.

-I'm a bit full.

That is just horrific! I'm not having it and warm sick is coming up!

British food is quite stodgy.

GASPS AND GROANS

That is sensationally bad.

Eugh!

You don't have to try the Japanese if you don't want to.

Oh, Greg!

Oh, God!

You've got... Man overboard!

-This is nice, this one.

-No!

-No, Greg, no! I can't let you...

-It's nice.

What is wrong with you?! What is wrong with you?

Nick is starting to go!

-Which is better? Quickly.

-Well, Rhod, both were delicious...

but if I had to choose one, I'd certainly choose the Japanese.

APPLAUSE

So Greg says Japanese. Are we any closer to getting an answer?

Well, I can tell you, through streaming eyes,

that Professor Dan Benardot from Georgia State University says it's Japan.

They have remarkable longevity and a phenomenally low obesity rate,

much of which can be attributed to the high intake of vegetables and low-fat protein foods.

-Japan gets it.

-I'm going to accept it as an answer.

APPLAUSE

So, whale trainer and Shamu, the answer is that Japan has the best diet.

Wasabi, teriyaki, udon, edamame, sashimi!

That's Chris Martin calling his children in from the garden.

I'm going to award that round to Greg, for obvious reasons.

What have we got next? Ah, The Audience Asks.

This is our quickfire round. I'll get through as many questions as I can before this noise...

-NICK:

-'This is a disgrace!'

You don't get the answer button. We just use this bell.

So it's our audience quickfire round. First up is Una Cullen.

-Una, what's your question?

-Is it still a bedroom with no bed in it?

Of course it is, you idiot!

It definitely is. Like, you could say is it still a baby grow if there's no baby in it?

Is it still a horse box if there's no horse in it?

-It is. We're happy?

-Yes.

-Definitely. Una, it is.

-Who's next? Ciaran Campbell. Hello, Ciaran.

-Hiya.

What is it that makes a dog wag his tail?

-Why do you ask, Ciaran?

-My dog gets angry and wags his tail, so you never know the difference.

- How do you know he's angry? - He would literally bark the balls off you.

Literally bark the balls off you?

That is one hell of a guard dog.

What it is, right, our dog is a Bichon Frise and a very protective dog.

-If you go near a certain person, "Aaargh! Arf! Arf! Arf!"

-Ciaran, sit down!

LAUGHTER

Let's see who's next. Vinny Duran-Kearns. What's your question?

If there were 1,000 seagulls on an aeroplane, each weighing two pounds apiece,

and they were all flying, would the aeroplane weigh 2,000lbs more?

LAUGHTER

-Been bothering you for some time?

-Absolutely.

I have difficulty enough getting nail clippers onto a plane.

-It's Einstein. Relativity.

-He's asking do they add to the weight when they're in mid-air.

And the other question is if they're flying, how fast are they flying?

LAUGHTER

Bearing in mind, the plane is flying at 500mph.

-Don't let Vinny suck you into his world!

-They'd have to be rocket-powered seagulls.

-The whole thing is...

-They're in the plane. They don't need to fly at 500mph.

If you are on the train and walk to the toilet, it's not at 90mph!

What's the answer? Do we know?

-No!

-No!

-We're going to go with Nick and say it's something to do with Einstein!

Who's next? Collette McCrone. Hello, Collette!

How old do you have to be to die of old age?

My uncle was only 35. He got hit by a mobility scooter.

LAUGHTER

How old do you have... How old do you have to be?

Do we have any thoughts about dying of old age?

-I bought my funeral plot when I was 50.

-Nice(!)

Has Sir Alan got a plot next to you?

-Karren Brady on the other side.

-LAUGHTER

Can we get off this subject of old age? I'm the oldest person here.

-Do you feel, though, that if you died now...

-What?!

If you died now, would we say of you, "He died of old age"?

No!

-Where does old age start?

-The fourth age, apparently, is 80.

It's only about 12 years for me! That's terrible.

At least you've got your grave sorted. 80 we're going for? 80 it is!

Nicholette Smith. Nice to see you've got an unnecessary H in your name, like me.

Where are you? Hello!

Hello! Hi, Rhod! My question is, my name's Nicky, shared with a brand of toilet roll.

Do you share your name with any products?

Are we on Blind Date?! LAUGHTER

"I'll ask that to Contestant Number Two!"

-Does anybody share their name...?

-Greg! Greggs!

-Yeah.

Surely they should have got in touch with me by now.

I'm the perfect poster boy for them. Look at the state of me!

-'This is a disgrace!'

-That was the sound that means the time is up on that round.

I'm going to award that round to... Nick, cos he's the eldest.

That is almost all the questions for this week, but there's time for one more - Our Special Guest Asks.

-So, Christian, do you have a question for us?

-Yeah, I do.

What do you think of this? Will we ever be able to teleport?

Nick, see what you can find out. Will we ever be able to teleport?

-What do you understand by that, Jenny?

-You have to wear Lycra.

You stand in a beam... I think, apparently, your whole body doesn't go.

-A facsimile of you goes.

-Wearing Lycra on a beam. You're describing gymnastics!

Actually, I can help you out here. She's pretty much on it.

-Come on!

-"Teleportation means creating a replica of an object, or at least some aspect of it,

"at some distance from the original. The act of teleporting destroys the original object

-"and rebuilds a copy in the new location."

-I just think some questions are beyond our remit!

You didn't watch Star Trek and think, "Wow! That would be amazing!"?

"Will we ever be able to teleport?" is no madder than asking 100 years ago, "Will we fly to the moon?

-"Or heat a pasty in a microwave in 30 seconds?"

-What?!

-Is it?

-It's no madder than imagining being able to speed-heat a pasty?

Of all the achievements of the 20th century you could have picked!

-If it's like a fax machine, will we be able to email ourselves?

-As an attachment, are we talking?

-Scan yourself in and email yourself as an attachment.

-"Fancy going for a drink? I've attached myself."

Do we need to back ourselves up, like you back up your hard drive, in case you get lost in the move?

-I'm backed up right now, Christian!

-LAUGHTER

-On Star Trek what happens?

-Shatner's on the holodeck.

He goes down with one of the red shirts. A red shirt always got killed and Shatner would still be there.

Only if you teleport too quickly.

Can you think of an easier way, Greg? A less mind-bending way to establish if this is possible?

Yes, I can, Rhod. For the last few weeks I've been beavering away making my own working teleporter.

-Are you suggesting we go to the lab?

-Let's go to the lab!

Welcome to the lab and the virgin flight of Greg's Teleportation Device!

AUDIENCE "Ooh"

I've been working on this for weeks. I've put Lloyd inside.

Using this telemeter, I intend to transport him around the globe.

Two rules you should know: one, wherever Lloyd ends up in the world, he must try to fit in

or it will disturb something. And two, let's hope I've kept it nice and clean in there.

If you watched The Fly, you know if I combined Lloyd with anything, that would be awful!

Oh, no! I accidentally left my Ikea catalogue in there!

LAUGHTER

Lloyd, you've ended up in Brazil as the goalie in a goalscoring competition!

To fit in, you've got to save three goals!

CHEERING

Back in, Lloyd!

Amazing.

Oh, curse Lloyd's luck. Fancy ending up in Spain in the middle of a tomato throwing festival.

-Ole!

-Ole!

CHEERING

Lloyd's fitted in very nicely. Back in, quick!

Oh, no, Lloyd...

You've ended up at a Susan Boyle concert before she's come onstage.

Remember, you've got to fit in, Lloyd, whatever happens.

# I dreamed a dream in time gone by

# When hope was high and life worth living

# Then I was young and unafraid

# And dreams were made and used and wasted

# There was no ransom to be paid

# No song unsung no wine untasted... # CHEERING

Thank you!

This is the last destination.

Lloyd, you've ended up in Belfast at an Irish dancing competition!

MUSIC: "Lord of the Dance"

CHEERING

Nick, can you give us an answer?

Professor John Rarity from the University of Bristol says yes, in principle.

You can teleport someone, however, it would take a time longer than the age of the universe

to transmit all the information contained within one person.

So it will never be a practical mode of transport.

Press the button, Nick! Press it!

CHEERING

That's it for tonight. If you've got a question, tweet #AskRhod on Twitter.

But for tonight, thanks to Christian O'Connell! Jenny Eclair!

Greg Davies!

Lloyd Langford! And, of course, Nick Hewer, ladies and gentlemen!

I'm Rhod Gilbert and you can ask me literally anything! Good night!

CHEERING

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2011

Email [email protected]