Episode 7 Ask Rhod Gilbert


Episode 7

Germaine Greer, Larry Lamb and Andi Osho join Rhod Gilbert, Greg Davies and Lloyd Langford in the comedic search for answers to some more of the world's most intriguing questions.


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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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'Tonight on Ask Rhod Gilbert our special guests are...

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'He's the silver fox in sheep's clothing, it's Larry Lamb!

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'And award-winning stand-up Andi Osho!

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'They're here every week,

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'it's Greg Davies!

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'And Lloyd Langford!'

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'Ladies and gentlemen, Ask Rhod Gilbert!'

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello. Yes, my name is Rhod Gilbert and tonight my job is to find the answers to the questions

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that keep us all awake at night. Questions like, what's the point of a four seasons pizza?

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Who wants a meal where you're 100 percent sure three quarters of the ingredients are out of season?

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-Anyway, since when was ham a season?

-LAUGHTER

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Another thing, why are food and drinks manufacturers so determined to wind me up?

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I went to a supermarket this week and I've got a few questions.

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Why are you banging on about how your cider contains 17 varieties of apple? I couldn't give a stuff!

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Do you think if you'd put 16 in, I'd have tasted it and thought, "Somebody's cut a few corners"?

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-LAUGHTER

-Why do you call some lasagne "Taste The Difference" lasagne?

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If it tastes different to ordinary lasagne, then that tastes different to the Taste The Difference lasagne,

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so they should both be Taste The Difference lasagnes.

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But let's face it, I'm never going to taste the difference in this Taste The Difference lasagne

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unless I eat both, then subtract the taste of the ordinary lasagne from the Taste The Difference lasagne.

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And I want my lasagne to taste like lasagne, so just call them both Taste The Lasagne and move on!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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In a world full of uncertainty, we need someone with credibility

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to help us find the answers to our questions. So as always, we begin by asking,

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"Who is tonight's authenticator?"

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She's one of those very rare creatures, an Australian intellectual!

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Oh, bonza! LAUGHTER

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She's considered one of the world's foremost feminists.

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LAUGHTER

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She wrote an international bestselling book called The Female Eunuch.

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LAUGHTER

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Yes, tonight's authenticator is writer, academic, journalist

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and all-round smarty-pants Germaine Greer!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Hello, Germaine! Thank you for coming on the show.

-It's really cool to be here.

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-I quite liked you saying cool there.

-Second childhood.

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-There was a glance over to me to say, "Are kids still saying that?"

-LAUGHTER

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-I've got to level with you, I've got no idea.

-LAUGHTER

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-Lloyd, are kids still saying cool? You're the youngest.

-No, they say sick now.

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-Sick?

-Yeah.

-So you don't say wicked anymore?

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-No!

-Well, I don't, Germaine, cos I'm 28.

-LAUGHTER

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-How will you be helping us tonight?

-I'm here to provide you and the panel

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-with all the information you need to answer tonight's questions. Cool?

-Wonderful.

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When I think we have an answer, I will do this.

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LOUD CHORD

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What have you learnt recently, Andi?

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Erm, I learned recently that, you know when you use a mobile phone,

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that you don't get a little bit of your voice in the speaker, and that's why people shout.

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OK, when you're on a landline phone, you get a little bit of your own voice in the speaker,

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so when you're talking, you're hearing a little bit of yourself as well as the other person.

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-But on a mobile, you don't hear yourself.

-Are you saying that when you're on a mobile phone, you...

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-LAUGHTER

-Is that what you're saying?

-No.

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You don't go, "Hello, I'm on my landline! Can you hear me now?"

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-You don't do that.

-But there's not a train going past in their lounge, is there?

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Honestly, I'm not arguing about this, cos it's a true fact, not a made-up one.

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-Are you working for a landline company?

-LAUGHTER

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-Larry, I've got a question for you.

-Tell me.

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-I heard...

-I "hyerd".

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-LAUGHTER

-I "hyerd"!

-As I said that, it came out wrong.

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-It's amazing that I could hear it, cos I haven't got a landline.

-Ohh!

-LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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I learnt this week that you were in the film Superman III. Is that correct?

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-HE LAUGHS

-Oh, my God. I was in all three Superman films.

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-Yep. There was only me and Christopher Reeve that were in all three.

-Who were you?

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Not very important people in the first two,

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-and then I played a coal miner in the third one.

-Right.

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-I just really want to watch all three Superman films.

-That'll improve your life.

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-LAUGHTER

-Dear, oh, dear.

-You don't know how lucky you are.

-No, you don't.

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So, let's find out who wants to know what tonight.

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Who have we got? Oh.

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LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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-Hang on. It's friend of the show...

-LAUGHTER

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He is! Kim Jong-il. Every week, we have at least one question from Kim Jong-il.

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He just keeps sending pictures of himself with a question. What's he asking this week?

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LAUGHTER

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Let's see what these horses want to know, shall we?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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This is our first question. Who wants to know what?

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It is DJ Westwood. What does he want to know?

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Yo, Rhod! It's Westwood. Now, as a DJ, I still love to play the vinyl records on the wheels of steel.

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But without the paper, the vinyl gets destroyed.

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So here's a question for you, Rhod. What was the most important invention?

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Was is paper

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or was it the wheel?

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-Yeah, boy!

-Was it paper or was it the wheel? Germaine, see what you can find out,

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and I will ask our lovely panel to see what they think.

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-We could get rid of paper now, though, couldn't we?

-No, I don't think we could.

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-We've got computers and emails.

-You could get rid of wheels, just have triangular ones.

-Triangular wheels.

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-It's still a wheel, even if it's not completely spherical..

-In that case,

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-if anything that is a shape is a wheel...

-Anything that's used as a wheel is a wheel.

-That's not fair!

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Anything that's used as paper is paper, then.

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-Yeah.

-Right. So my hand is now paper.

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-It's...

-I'm Edward Paperhands.

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-LAUGHTER It's providing the same...

-That's rubbish,

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-"Anything that's used as a wheel is a wheel." Not, it's not!

-For these purposes, define a wheel.

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-I'm getting my pen over to Andi using my wheel.

-And your hands.

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In that case, we can get rid of wheels and just have crows as wheels, is that what you're saying?

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I can't do a Christmas card on my hand, can I?

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I can't say, "Oh, I've got to do my Christmas cards. Happy Christmas, everyone."

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-LAUGHTER

-What do you think, Larry, paper or the wheel?

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-It's got to be the wheel.

-Why?

-Everything that runs, everything that moves,

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everything that operates the world that we live in basically uses the wheel.

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Everything. You can't print paper without the wheel nowadays.

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-No question.

-Look at that. Takes a confident sip of water.

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-LAUGHTER

-The case for the prosecution. I rest.

-That's it.

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-I think paper's more important.

-You can have a bidet instead of toilet paper.

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-You can.

-In ancient times, they used to use their hands.

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Everyone still uses their hands, they just have toilet paper on, as well.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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In Japan, they don't, actually. I went to Tokyo

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and they have an incredibly accurate bidet toilet there. Incredibly accurate.

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-LAUGHTER

-Was it fun?

-Well, let's just say, it was almost life-changing.

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-LAUGHTER

-Really?

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You press a button and I can only presume there's a tiny sniper in there

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who just gets it, boom, right in the hotspot.

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-LAUGHTER

-Can you imagine a world without toilet paper, Germaine?

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I disapprove of toilet paper cos it's covered half the world in Monterey pine.

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-But you can't wipe your bottom on a wheel, that's certainly true.

-LAUGHTER

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You can wipe your bottom on anything. You could wipe it on a Rubik's Cube. LAUGHTER

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If we say the wheel,

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what would Chamberlain have come back and said?

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"I have in my hand... Oh, actually, that's it. Sorry."

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LAUGHTER He wouldn't have gone, "I have in my hand... Oh, nothing."

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He'd have said, "I've been having a chat with Hitler".

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Yeah, but nobody would remember that as a great speech.

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It's a great speech cos he goes, "I have in my hand a piece of paper".

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He'd go, "I had a chat with Hitler". That wouldn't have gone down in history.

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If he'd said, "I have in my hand a piece of slate..."

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Everybody would've gone, "So what? Go do somebody's roof".

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LAUGHTER

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Have you got any facts for us about wheels or paper or inventions?

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The wheel has certainly been around longer than paper.

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Pictures of vehicles with wheels

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appear on pottery that's over 5,000 years old,

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whereas paper only goes back about 2,000 years.

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I don't get that. If there was wheels on pots, pictures of wheels on vehicles on pots,

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does that mean at some point that potters had potter's wheels going

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-before they thought about...

-Ohh!

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-They used to make pots with... They'd sort of...

-Coil pots.

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-You'd have to have a wheel to make a round pot.

-No.

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-You roll...

-That's a wall.

-No, you roll the clay like a snake

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-and then you wind it round. You wind it like that.

-Coil pots.

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-That's how they made the original pots.

-We used to do it in primary school.

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-How do you know so much about pots?

-Because he went to school in England. LAUGHTER

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In Wales, your homework projects were, "Go on, chase that pig".

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LAUGHTER "Chase that pig and smash his head in with a hammer."

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-LAUGHTER

-I'll have you know I got a B in pig chasing.

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-LAUGHTER

-Well, I've got the results of a survey here.

-Oh!

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Tesco Mobile asked 4,000 people

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what they thought the best inventions of all time were.

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Now, ignoring paper and the wheel, I've got the top three here.

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I want our panel to see if they can guess the top three inventions of all time. What do you reckon?

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-Greg.

-Milkshake. LAUGHTER

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-Milkshake. Is it there?

-FAMILY FORTUNES BUZZER

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-Larry.

-I sort of think that probably the steam engine, the telephone and electricity.

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-FAMILY FORTUNES BUZZER

-Andi.

-Erm, I'm going to say the internet.

-Is it there?

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-Ooh!

-APPLAUSE

-Dishwasher should be there.

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FAMILY FORTUNES BUZZER

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I love my dishwasher. It's like a husband only better cos it does what you tell it, when you tell it,

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-and the rest of the time, it shuts up.

-LAUGHTER

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-You surprise me. I'd have thought you'd hate dishwashers.

-I love it.

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-Being a feminist, it's taking one of your jobs away.

-AUDIENCE: Ohhh!

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APPLAUSE

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-One last chance. Come on.

-The contraceptive pill.

-Aghh!

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-It's number ten, and only a man would possibly say that!

-LAUGHTER

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Jeepers. You might as well say chlamydia.

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Chlamydia. Is it there?

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FAMILY FORTUNES BUZZER

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-What are they, then?

-Well, number two is the light bulb.

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-What's the first one?

-Aeroplane.

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-Get away!

-It wasn't me, it was them!

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That's more important than the invention of the plate?

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Imagine doing a long-haul flight and the stewardess coming by,

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"Do you want the beef, sir?" "Agh!"

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LAUGHTER

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Are we any closer to an answer, Germaine?

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Well, I've got someone on the phone who should be able to give us an answer and that's Dr Colin Brown

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from the Institution of Mechanical Engineers. Say hello, Rhod.

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-"Hello."

-Hello! This is Rhod. How are you?

-"I'm very well.

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-"Looking forward to your question."

-Have you been listening?

-"I have.

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-"And I've heard some interesting stuff and some silly stuff."

-Have you?

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"The wheel is in everything. It makes electricity, it pumps water, it pumps gas.

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-"You're not going to be able to get home tonight without a wheel."

-I could just walk home.

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-"You could, but you'll use street lights to illuminate the way."

-Nope.

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-LAUGHTER

-It seems like we're counting anything round as a wheel.

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Cos there are some things that are round that rotate, but they're not wheels.

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"It's anything that's got an axle. It's not a roller, it's not like a tree trunk,

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"it's something that's got an axle and all the things we've talked about have an axle you can control."

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So can you sum it up for us, Dr Brown? The wheel is the more important?

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"It is by far the more important and will never be substituted."

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-Ooh. A bold claim, but I will take that as an answer. Thank you.

-LOUD CHORD

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APPLAUSE

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So, Westwood, you wanted to know whether paper or the wheel was more important

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and the answer is that wheel beats paper.

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I met a man once who said he was a paper millionaire, which didn't mean much to me.

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I then met a man who said he was a "wheel" millionaire. It was Jonathan Ross.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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And I'm awarding that round to Greg.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Let's see who else has a question for us.

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-Lord Sugar. Are you a fan of The Apprentice, Germaine?

-No.

-Oh.

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-LAUGHTER

-What, you mean...

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-I find it brutal.

-Do you?

-It's pretty cool, right?

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LAUGHTER

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-I hate it!

-Don't you think it's made business quite sexy, though?

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-Quite a boring thing quite sexy?

-Yeah, just look at him.

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-LAUGHTER

-Phwoar!

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Ah, Bjork.

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LAUGHTER

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It's the toffee penny, since you ask.

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-LAUGHTER

-Let's have a question from Boris Johnson. Fans of Boris?

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-Can I tell you something about Boris Johnson?

-Tell me whatever you like.

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Well, it's about his dad. Cos apparently, him and his dad look really similar

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and his dad rides a bike, as well, and his dad was out on his bike one day just riding along

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and some geezer shouted at him, "Oi, Johnson, you wanker!" and he went, "I think you mean my son".

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LAUGHTER

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His name's Stanley Johnson and he tells a story

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that he was in a car I was driving in Bucharest.

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But he tells this story that I was banging on about something

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and he was so overcome with the tedium of it all

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that he opened the door and just allowed himself to fall out at a stop light

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-and I drove on without him!

-LAUGHTER

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Oh, at a stop light? I thought you'd told a story so dull,

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-someone had thrown themselves from a moving vehicle.

-And you carried on talking and driving?

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Yes! Well, I wasn't going to go back for bloody Stanley Johnson, was I?

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-LAUGHTER

-Oh, look. Pandas.

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LAUGHTER

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It's our next round, The World Asks.

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Let's see who wants to know what.

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Ah, it's a rodeo cowboy. What does he want to know?

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Yippee-ki-yay, Mr Gilbert. Here at the rodeo,

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sometimes the animals seem to be more in control of us than we are of them.

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I want to know, if all humans were to become extinct, which animal do you think would take over the world?

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LAUGHTER

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I thought he was going to ask, "What happens when you cross a hat with a paper aeroplane?"

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-LAUGHTER

-What exactly is wrong with his hat?

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APPLAUSE

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Er, if humans became extinct, what animal would take over?

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See what you can find out, Germaine, and I will talk to our panel.

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-Who's going to take over if humans become extinct?

-I think insects.

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-Insects will not take over.

-They have the numbers. They just haven't got the organisation at the moment.

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-Birds eat insects.

-Nothing can beat monkeys, though. Monkeys would take over.

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-Birds beat monkeys.

-Birds don't beat monkeys in paper, scissors, stone, animal world.

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Yes, they do. Bird eats insects and bird, er... Birds would irritate monkeys.

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Yeah. And then monkey throws bird against wall. LAUGHTER

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Just before hits wall, bird realises it can fly and just flies up.

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Monkey's thrown bird against wall two feet away, so bird hasn't got time to unfurl its wings before it hits wall.

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-Bird doesn't need to unfurl wings. Bird is bird.

-LAUGHTER

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Have you ever seen a bird get up in the morning and think, "I'll just unfurl these"?

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-LAUGHTER

-I think it's going to be the dogs.

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-I think it's dogs. Cos we've given them the training.

-Mm.

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I think that dogs would. Cos you don't get sniffer monkeys, do you?

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-Or guide cats? The dogs.

-How do you answer that, Greg? You don't get sniffer monkeys.

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My monkeys will be riding on the dogs. Dogs will become the new horses.

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-LAUGHTER

-I don't think anything would take over.

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It would all balance itself out again.

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The animals would all get on with each other, some would eat each other and do what they do anyway,

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and if you really boil it down, it looks like we're the ones that have screwed it all up!

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APPLAUSE

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I've got a theory that all the animals in the world

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probably can't understand each other from different countries.

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Like, if you took a cow in Devon and a cow in India, they're not going to understand each other.

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-Oh, oh!

-No, bear with me.

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-I'm listening.

-The one animal that can understand each other all over the world

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because it's all linked is in the sea, whales.

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Because they've got sonar, I think they'd find it easy to communicate and coordinate.

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-I've got sonar.

-You've got sonar?

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I told Lloyd this the other day and he laughed at me. I proved it.

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-Do it again.

-All right.

-Can I just point out, Greg doesn't have sonar.

0:19:050:19:08

-LAUGHTER

-You don't have sonar.

-Get a bit of paper and test me.

0:19:080:19:12

-Andi, put your hands over Greg's eyes to make sure he's not cheating.

-All right.

0:19:120:19:17

-LAUGHTER

-Come on.

0:19:170:19:19

-Are you in front of me, though?

-Yes, he is. Off you go.

0:19:210:19:24

Boop! LAUGHTER

0:19:240:19:27

Boooop! LAUGHTER

0:19:270:19:29

Boooooooop! LAUGHTER

0:19:290:19:33

-12, 13 foot.

-Oh!

-Very good!

0:19:330:19:36

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:360:19:40

-That is ridiculous. That is ridiculous.

-Don't like it, do you?

0:19:400:19:45

-Don't like my sonar powers.

-I was perfectly happy with you looking like a whale,

0:19:450:19:49

-I just don't like you having sonar.

-LAUGHTER

0:19:490:19:52

Let's have a fact, Germaine. Any more information on what species may take over?

0:19:520:19:57

Well, some animals are crafty enough to get one up on us already. Here's a clip.

0:19:570:20:05

RAP MUSIC

0:20:050:20:07

LAUGHTER

0:20:170:20:20

APPLAUSE

0:20:200:20:24

I went into a little seafood stand at Folkestone, down on the harbour,

0:20:240:20:28

and bought some cockles and walked away from the stand eating the cockles

0:20:280:20:33

and a seagull swooped straight down and grabbed the whole bag of cockles

0:20:330:20:36

and I turned around to the woman in the cockle stand

0:20:360:20:39

and she just pointed to this sign which says,

0:20:390:20:42

"We are not responsible if seagulls pinch your seafood."

0:20:420:20:47

-Happens all the time.

-I've got a little experiment here

0:20:470:20:50

as a way of possibly deciding which species might take over from us.

0:20:500:20:55

If you look under your desk, each of you will have hands from different species of animals.

0:20:550:21:00

I want you to try and see if you can feed yourself.

0:21:000:21:02

I'd love to know what animal this is supposed to be.

0:21:020:21:06

-LAUGHTER

-A dolphin.

0:21:060:21:09

-What have you got there, Lloyd?

-Hooves.

0:21:090:21:13

LAUGHTER

0:21:130:21:17

-Lloyd has got hooves, Larry's got claws.

-I've got... I'm webbed.

0:21:170:21:22

-We've got to eat as much as we can?

-Eat as much as you can. On your marks, get set, go!

0:21:220:21:27

LAUGHTER

0:21:290:21:32

It's a confident start from Larry with his claws. Oh, Greg's away with the tangerine!

0:21:320:21:36

LAUGHTER

0:21:360:21:39

Good effort. Ohh!

0:21:390:21:41

LAUGHTER

0:21:450:21:48

Oh, look at Larry Lamb peeling his tangerine like there's no tomorrow. He's in!

0:21:500:21:55

-He's in!

-LAUGHTER

0:21:550:21:57

-Greg, maybe you could collaborate with Larry...

-LAUGHTER

0:21:570:22:02

LAUGHTER

0:22:030:22:06

I think Larry is doing remarkably well with the claws.

0:22:070:22:11

Despite the effort that Greg is making with that yoghurt,

0:22:110:22:14

I am going to announce Larry as the winner cos he's almost finished. Larry is our winner.

0:22:140:22:19

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:22:190:22:21

Er, while you put those things away, are we any closer to finding an answer, Germaine?

0:22:270:22:32

Er, Professor Dean Falk of Florida State University

0:22:320:22:36

says it's the chimpanzee who will take over.

0:22:360:22:39

Their brains come closest to those of humans in terms of organisation.

0:22:390:22:44

They have been known to manufacture tools and are quite a territorial and dominant species.

0:22:440:22:49

Therefore it's possible that they could evolve into

0:22:490:22:53

by far the most intelligent species left on earth.

0:22:530:22:57

-So Greg was right. I will take that as an answer.

-LOUD CHORD

0:22:570:23:02

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:020:23:05

Rodeo Cowboy, you asked which animal would take over the world

0:23:050:23:09

if we became extinct? The answer is chimps.

0:23:090:23:11

I'm going to award that round to Larry for his superb use of claws.

0:23:110:23:15

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:150:23:18

Next it's time for my quick-fire round, The Audience Asks.

0:23:210:23:24

I'm going to try and get through as many questions as I can before we hear this noise.

0:23:240:23:29

# I'm every woman

0:23:290:23:32

There's no time for the answer button. We're just going to use this bell.

0:23:320:23:36

-BELL CHIMES

-So, who's first? No time, crack on, it's Chris Teear.

-Hi, Rhod.

-Hi.

0:23:360:23:43

-What's the point of culottes?

-I think it's for the lady who enjoys wearing a skirt

0:23:430:23:48

-but is worried that she'll...

-But she likes something between her legs.

-Yeah.

0:23:480:23:52

LAUGHTER

0:23:520:23:55

We have no idea what the point of culottes is.

0:23:550:23:58

-David Livingstone. Hello, David.

-Hiya. Why can't you feel pain on the skin of your elbow?

0:23:580:24:03

LAUGHTER

0:24:030:24:05

-Yeah!

-Oh!

0:24:050:24:09

-Yeah!

-It's worth knowing though, like, in a fight situation,

0:24:100:24:14

-if someone's attacking you, to just hold up your elbows.

-LAUGHTER

0:24:140:24:18

-Technically now I am invincible.

-LAUGHTER

0:24:180:24:21

-Does anyone know why it is? I don't know why.

-Because there's no nerve endings there.

0:24:210:24:25

-BELL CHIMES

-There's no nerve endings there, David. That's it.

0:24:250:24:29

APPLAUSE

0:24:290:24:31

Laura McKibbin. Where are you, Laura, and what's your question?

0:24:310:24:35

-What if we were nocturnal?

-What if we were nocturnal? That's it, is it? That's your question?

0:24:350:24:40

-I think that is a sexy question, I like that question.

-Why is that a sexy question?

0:24:400:24:45

Because we'd have different eyes.

0:24:450:24:48

-We'd have different perceptions.

-Oh, that is sexy!

0:24:480:24:51

LAUGHTER

0:24:510:24:53

-Different eyes.

-We'd have big, luminous eyes like...

-Oh, I'm getting really turned on.

0:24:530:24:57

-LAUGHTER

-Like possums. They're gorgeous.

-Honestly...

0:24:570:25:00

-Wonderful.

-If I see an owl, I'm on it like a puma. LAUGHTER

0:25:000:25:05

All the nocturnal creatures would take over during the day then,

0:25:050:25:09

we'd have foxes driving cars and badgers working at Debenhams.

0:25:090:25:14

BELL CHIMES

0:25:150:25:17

-Bridie McCreesh, where are you?

-Hi Rhod. What I want to know is if your face was on the back of your head...

0:25:170:25:22

-Oh, God!

-..which way is forward?

0:25:220:25:25

And your legs are still going to walk that way, so you'd probably have to say that was forward.

0:25:250:25:30

Maybe we'd start to walk on four legs or something.

0:25:300:25:34

And if we wanted to see where we were going, we'd sort of do that.

0:25:340:25:37

-Then our heads would be upside down.

-Oh, yeah, your head would be upside down.

0:25:370:25:43

-Yeah, but your eyes could be there.

-No, they wouldn't.

0:25:430:25:46

-BELL CHIMES

-You bloody idiot!

0:25:460:25:49

-Sarah-Jane Morgan, where are you? Hello. What's your question?

-Hi, Rhod. Why are spiders getting bigger?

0:25:490:25:55

Actually, what you're probably seeing is spiders from Europe

0:25:550:25:59

are moving in and moving northwards.

0:25:590:26:02

That was David Bowie's disappointing follow up album. LAUGHTER

0:26:020:26:05

Spiders from Europe. LAUGHTER

0:26:050:26:07

-I got bitten by a black widow once.

-LAUGHTER

0:26:070:26:12

-It was my fault for disrupting the funeral.

-LAUGHTER

0:26:120:26:15

-Greg, are they getting bigger, spiders?

-Yes, they are getting much bigger.

-Fine. That'll do.

0:26:150:26:20

-Adrian Harte. Hello, Adrian, what's your question?

-Hello, Rhod.

0:26:200:26:24

Can you be too tall for your feet?

0:26:240:26:27

-Your feet are always relative to your height, unless you're a clown.

-LAUGHTER

0:26:270:26:32

What's the question, mate? Are you asking if I, as a six-foot-eight man, had baby's feet,

0:26:320:26:37

-whether that would be abnormal?

-My sister was at the podiatrists and she said,

0:26:370:26:42

-"You know your problem? Your feet are too small for your height."

-What problem was your sister having?

0:26:420:26:47

Your sister isn't a deer, is she? LAUGHTER

0:26:470:26:51

Why would a podiatrist say, "You know your problem, your feet..." What problem did she go there with?

0:26:510:26:56

I think we should change the name of this show from Ask Rhod Gilbert

0:26:560:26:59

-to Rhod Gilbert Aggressively Interrogates The Audience.

-LAUGHTER

0:26:590:27:03

APPLAUSE

0:27:030:27:06

-# I'm every woman

-Oh, that is out of time.

0:27:060:27:09

That's about all we have time for, but just one more question

0:27:090:27:12

and it is our Special Guest Asks round, so Larry, do you have a question for us?

0:27:120:27:17

Yeah, in terms of our lifespan, when are we happiest?

0:27:170:27:24

Germaine, can you see what you can find out? What age are we happiest?

0:27:240:27:27

-What age is...

-Andi.

0:27:270:27:30

I think when you're a baby, they seem quite content.

0:27:300:27:34

It's really easy to make them smile. You just show them a bit of paper or something, or a wheel,

0:27:340:27:39

and they go, "Brilliant!"

0:27:390:27:42

I agree with Andi, actually, because when you're a baby or maybe when you're a toddler,

0:27:420:27:47

you're experiencing the world for the first time

0:27:470:27:50

so you get really excited by things.

0:27:500:27:52

Like, I can remember when I was a toddler getting constantly excited by seeing a dog.

0:27:520:27:58

-And I very rarely get excited by seeing dogs now.

-LAUGHTER

0:27:580:28:03

We do have some evidence to support this case about babies.

0:28:030:28:08

Take a look at this.

0:28:080:28:11

BABY LAUGHS

0:28:120:28:15

BABY LAUGHS

0:28:180:28:21

BABY LAUGHS

0:28:240:28:26

BABY LAUGHS

0:28:280:28:31

APPLAUSE

0:28:330:28:36

It's infectious.

0:28:360:28:40

It is infectious, but is that happiness? It's not conscious... Is it happiness?

0:28:400:28:44

-Well, off the top of my head, it looks pretty happy, mate.

-Do you know what I mean?

0:28:440:28:49

Is it consciously happy or is it just being entertained in an instinctive way?

0:28:490:28:54

Maybe the brilliance of that is that he's not conscious to his happiness, he just is.

0:28:540:28:59

-He is happiness.

-Just one thing about that. Babies, too, can learn what reaction you expect from them

0:28:590:29:06

-and they can produce it.

-Are you saying that baby knows what he's doing?

0:29:060:29:09

I'm saying that the child has learnt that the thing you do in this situation is you laugh.

0:29:090:29:15

And everybody else laughs, too. It's not as if it's funny tearing up paper.

0:29:150:29:19

Well, it depends what's being torn up there now. I mean maybe...

0:29:190:29:22

LAUGHTER

0:29:220:29:25

APPLAUSE

0:29:250:29:29

-It was actually the Daily Mail!

-You laughed at that, Germaine.

0:29:290:29:34

-I'm an infant.

-I thought the conventional wisdom was that you're happier when you're older.

0:29:340:29:39

-What do you think, Larry? Can I ask how old you are?

-I'm 64.

0:29:390:29:43

-This is the best time of my life.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

0:29:430:29:47

Germaine, what do you think personally? When are we happiest?

0:29:470:29:50

-There's a lot of stress when you're a kid.

-I was very bored when I was a child. I was bored shitless.

0:29:500:29:56

-Were you? Why?

-Well, nothing was happening, I couldn't go anywhere, I couldn't do anything.

0:29:560:30:01

Erm, I went to school, I went home, I did housework, I read.

0:30:010:30:06

-You're thinking of Cinderella.

-LAUGHTER

0:30:060:30:10

You're never happier than being on a beach, digging a hole, seeing if you can dig to Australia.

0:30:120:30:19

-The contentment. You're just so easily pleased.

-But there was no fun in that for Germaine.

0:30:190:30:23

LAUGHTER

0:30:230:30:27

It was simple pleasures when you were a kid, like peeling skin.

0:30:270:30:30

Where's that gone? What happened to that?

0:30:300:30:33

I can remember you used to sit on the beach and used to peel whole strips of A3 off your dad's back.

0:30:330:30:39

I could literally peel off a thing that was recognisably my dad and stand it next to him.

0:30:390:30:43

LAUGHTER

0:30:430:30:46

-It's true!

-No, you couldn't!

0:30:460:30:48

You could peel an entire replica dad there, just a skin one.

0:30:480:30:53

It's like a lizard, like a snake shedding its skin.

0:30:530:30:56

So basically, you guys think it's babies, that you're happiest when you're a baby.

0:30:560:31:01

Larry thinks it's the older age group, but I think I can find a scientific way of sorting this out.

0:31:010:31:08

So how about we go to the lab?

0:31:080:31:11

APPLAUSE

0:31:110:31:13

Welcome to the lab, where tonight Professor Langford and I will be trying to work out

0:31:150:31:19

at what age we are happiest. Will it be when we are in our old age, demonstrated by Larry Lamb,

0:31:190:31:24

or will it be when we are a baby, as represented by baby Greg?

0:31:240:31:28

-LAUGHTER

-To help us feed you, Greg,

0:31:280:31:33

-would you please welcome Andi Osho with her inexhaustible milk supply.

-LAUGHTER

0:31:330:31:39

-Are you happy there, Larry?

-Happy as Larry.

-Happy as Larry, good man.

-APPLAUSE

0:31:390:31:44

Let's feed baby Greg. So we have some pork and apple baby food.

0:31:440:31:48

LAUGHTER

0:31:480:31:51

-Is it real baby food?

-It is real baby food.

0:31:550:31:58

He's got a little bit dirty so it's bath time. Lloyd, get the bath out. That's it.

0:31:580:32:02

Get some shampoo on that hair. That's it. Give him a good old wash.

0:32:020:32:06

He's complaining again. I think he must be hungry.

0:32:060:32:09

Next we need to dry him off, Lloyd, so get some talc on him. Talc him up properly, that's the way.

0:32:090:32:16

-That's it. How's Larry doing? Larry, are you all right?

-Happy as Larry.

-LAUGHTER

0:32:160:32:21

Next we take him to playgroup, where the other babies draw all over the swampy-toothed newcomer.

0:32:210:32:27

LAUGHTER

0:32:270:32:29

-Next up...

-Agh!

-Next up, Lloyd the babysitter decides to take Greg to the zoo.

0:32:290:32:36

No sooner have they arrived than a gorilla escapes from his cage

0:32:360:32:41

and tries to force-feed Greg a banana. Oh, no! It looks like Greg is choking on the banana.

0:32:410:32:46

-I'm not choking on the banana!

-Yes, you are, Greg!

0:32:460:32:49

But luckily the gorilla has learnt some basic first aid...

0:32:490:32:54

-LAUGHTER

-..and gives Greg the Heimlich manoeuvre.

0:32:540:32:58

LAUGHTER

0:33:000:33:02

-Can we have an answer, please? Quick, give us an answer.

-According to the findings of a recent US study

0:33:020:33:08

undertaken between three different universities, we are happiest around the age of 70.

0:33:080:33:14

-70 is our answer. Press the button!

-LOUD CHORD

0:33:140:33:19

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-That's pretty much it for tonight.

0:33:190:33:23

People of Britain, if you've got a question,

0:33:230:33:25

you can tweet #AskRhod on Twitter.

0:33:250:33:28

But for tonight, it is thanks to Larry Lamb,

0:33:280:33:31

Andi Osho, Greg Davies and Lloyd Langford,

0:33:310:33:36

and, of course, our authenticator, Germaine Greer!

0:33:360:33:40

I'm Rhod Gilbert and you can ask me literally anything. Good night.

0:33:400:33:45

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:33:450:33:48

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:33:480:33:52

E-mail [email protected]

0:33:520:33:56

.

0:33:560:33:56

Germaine Greer, Larry Lamb and Andi Osho join Rhod Gilbert, Greg Davies and Lloyd Langford in the comedic search for answers to some more of the world's most intriguing questions.


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