Episode 7 Ask Rhod Gilbert

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Tonight on Ask Rhod Gilbert our special guests are...

'He's the silver fox in sheep's clothing, it's Larry Lamb!

'And award-winning stand-up Andi Osho!

'They're here every week,

'it's Greg Davies!

'And Lloyd Langford!'

'Ladies and gentlemen, Ask Rhod Gilbert!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Yes, my name is Rhod Gilbert and tonight my job is to find the answers to the questions

that keep us all awake at night. Questions like, what's the point of a four seasons pizza?

Who wants a meal where you're 100 percent sure three quarters of the ingredients are out of season?

-Anyway, since when was ham a season?

-LAUGHTER

Another thing, why are food and drinks manufacturers so determined to wind me up?

I went to a supermarket this week and I've got a few questions.

Why are you banging on about how your cider contains 17 varieties of apple? I couldn't give a stuff!

Do you think if you'd put 16 in, I'd have tasted it and thought, "Somebody's cut a few corners"?

-LAUGHTER

-Why do you call some lasagne "Taste The Difference" lasagne?

If it tastes different to ordinary lasagne, then that tastes different to the Taste The Difference lasagne,

so they should both be Taste The Difference lasagnes.

But let's face it, I'm never going to taste the difference in this Taste The Difference lasagne

unless I eat both, then subtract the taste of the ordinary lasagne from the Taste The Difference lasagne.

And I want my lasagne to taste like lasagne, so just call them both Taste The Lasagne and move on!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

In a world full of uncertainty, we need someone with credibility

to help us find the answers to our questions. So as always, we begin by asking,

"Who is tonight's authenticator?"

She's one of those very rare creatures, an Australian intellectual!

Oh, bonza! LAUGHTER

She's considered one of the world's foremost feminists.

LAUGHTER

She wrote an international bestselling book called The Female Eunuch.

LAUGHTER

Yes, tonight's authenticator is writer, academic, journalist

and all-round smarty-pants Germaine Greer!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello, Germaine! Thank you for coming on the show.

-It's really cool to be here.

-I quite liked you saying cool there.

-Second childhood.

-There was a glance over to me to say, "Are kids still saying that?"

-LAUGHTER

-I've got to level with you, I've got no idea.

-LAUGHTER

-Lloyd, are kids still saying cool? You're the youngest.

-No, they say sick now.

-Sick?

-Yeah.

-So you don't say wicked anymore?

-No!

-Well, I don't, Germaine, cos I'm 28.

-LAUGHTER

-How will you be helping us tonight?

-I'm here to provide you and the panel

-with all the information you need to answer tonight's questions. Cool?

-Wonderful.

When I think we have an answer, I will do this.

LOUD CHORD

What have you learnt recently, Andi?

Erm, I learned recently that, you know when you use a mobile phone,

that you don't get a little bit of your voice in the speaker, and that's why people shout.

OK, when you're on a landline phone, you get a little bit of your own voice in the speaker,

so when you're talking, you're hearing a little bit of yourself as well as the other person.

-But on a mobile, you don't hear yourself.

-Are you saying that when you're on a mobile phone, you...

-LAUGHTER

-Is that what you're saying?

-No.

You don't go, "Hello, I'm on my landline! Can you hear me now?"

-You don't do that.

-But there's not a train going past in their lounge, is there?

Honestly, I'm not arguing about this, cos it's a true fact, not a made-up one.

-Are you working for a landline company?

-LAUGHTER

-Larry, I've got a question for you.

-Tell me.

-I heard...

-I "hyerd".

-LAUGHTER

-I "hyerd"!

-As I said that, it came out wrong.

-It's amazing that I could hear it, cos I haven't got a landline.

-Ohh!

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I learnt this week that you were in the film Superman III. Is that correct?

-HE LAUGHS

-Oh, my God. I was in all three Superman films.

-Yep. There was only me and Christopher Reeve that were in all three.

-Who were you?

Not very important people in the first two,

-and then I played a coal miner in the third one.

-Right.

-I just really want to watch all three Superman films.

-That'll improve your life.

-LAUGHTER

-Dear, oh, dear.

-You don't know how lucky you are.

-No, you don't.

So, let's find out who wants to know what tonight.

Who have we got? Oh.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Hang on. It's friend of the show...

-LAUGHTER

He is! Kim Jong-il. Every week, we have at least one question from Kim Jong-il.

He just keeps sending pictures of himself with a question. What's he asking this week?

LAUGHTER

Let's see what these horses want to know, shall we?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is our first question. Who wants to know what?

It is DJ Westwood. What does he want to know?

Yo, Rhod! It's Westwood. Now, as a DJ, I still love to play the vinyl records on the wheels of steel.

But without the paper, the vinyl gets destroyed.

So here's a question for you, Rhod. What was the most important invention?

Was is paper

or was it the wheel?

-Yeah, boy!

-Was it paper or was it the wheel? Germaine, see what you can find out,

and I will ask our lovely panel to see what they think.

-We could get rid of paper now, though, couldn't we?

-No, I don't think we could.

-We've got computers and emails.

-You could get rid of wheels, just have triangular ones.

-Triangular wheels.

-It's still a wheel, even if it's not completely spherical..

-In that case,

-if anything that is a shape is a wheel...

-Anything that's used as a wheel is a wheel.

-That's not fair!

Anything that's used as paper is paper, then.

-Yeah.

-Right. So my hand is now paper.

-It's...

-I'm Edward Paperhands.

-LAUGHTER It's providing the same...

-That's rubbish,

-"Anything that's used as a wheel is a wheel." Not, it's not!

-For these purposes, define a wheel.

-I'm getting my pen over to Andi using my wheel.

-And your hands.

In that case, we can get rid of wheels and just have crows as wheels, is that what you're saying?

I can't do a Christmas card on my hand, can I?

I can't say, "Oh, I've got to do my Christmas cards. Happy Christmas, everyone."

-LAUGHTER

-What do you think, Larry, paper or the wheel?

-It's got to be the wheel.

-Why?

-Everything that runs, everything that moves,

everything that operates the world that we live in basically uses the wheel.

Everything. You can't print paper without the wheel nowadays.

-No question.

-Look at that. Takes a confident sip of water.

-LAUGHTER

-The case for the prosecution. I rest.

-That's it.

-I think paper's more important.

-You can have a bidet instead of toilet paper.

-You can.

-In ancient times, they used to use their hands.

Everyone still uses their hands, they just have toilet paper on, as well.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In Japan, they don't, actually. I went to Tokyo

and they have an incredibly accurate bidet toilet there. Incredibly accurate.

-LAUGHTER

-Was it fun?

-Well, let's just say, it was almost life-changing.

-LAUGHTER

-Really?

You press a button and I can only presume there's a tiny sniper in there

who just gets it, boom, right in the hotspot.

-LAUGHTER

-Can you imagine a world without toilet paper, Germaine?

I disapprove of toilet paper cos it's covered half the world in Monterey pine.

-But you can't wipe your bottom on a wheel, that's certainly true.

-LAUGHTER

You can wipe your bottom on anything. You could wipe it on a Rubik's Cube. LAUGHTER

If we say the wheel,

what would Chamberlain have come back and said?

"I have in my hand... Oh, actually, that's it. Sorry."

LAUGHTER He wouldn't have gone, "I have in my hand... Oh, nothing."

He'd have said, "I've been having a chat with Hitler".

Yeah, but nobody would remember that as a great speech.

It's a great speech cos he goes, "I have in my hand a piece of paper".

He'd go, "I had a chat with Hitler". That wouldn't have gone down in history.

If he'd said, "I have in my hand a piece of slate..."

Everybody would've gone, "So what? Go do somebody's roof".

LAUGHTER

Have you got any facts for us about wheels or paper or inventions?

The wheel has certainly been around longer than paper.

Pictures of vehicles with wheels

appear on pottery that's over 5,000 years old,

whereas paper only goes back about 2,000 years.

I don't get that. If there was wheels on pots, pictures of wheels on vehicles on pots,

does that mean at some point that potters had potter's wheels going

-before they thought about...

-Ohh!

-They used to make pots with... They'd sort of...

-Coil pots.

-You'd have to have a wheel to make a round pot.

-No.

-You roll...

-That's a wall.

-No, you roll the clay like a snake

-and then you wind it round. You wind it like that.

-Coil pots.

-That's how they made the original pots.

-We used to do it in primary school.

-How do you know so much about pots?

-Because he went to school in England. LAUGHTER

In Wales, your homework projects were, "Go on, chase that pig".

LAUGHTER "Chase that pig and smash his head in with a hammer."

-LAUGHTER

-I'll have you know I got a B in pig chasing.

-LAUGHTER

-Well, I've got the results of a survey here.

-Oh!

Tesco Mobile asked 4,000 people

what they thought the best inventions of all time were.

Now, ignoring paper and the wheel, I've got the top three here.

I want our panel to see if they can guess the top three inventions of all time. What do you reckon?

-Greg.

-Milkshake. LAUGHTER

-Milkshake. Is it there?

-FAMILY FORTUNES BUZZER

-Larry.

-I sort of think that probably the steam engine, the telephone and electricity.

-FAMILY FORTUNES BUZZER

-Andi.

-Erm, I'm going to say the internet.

-Is it there?

-Ooh!

-APPLAUSE

-Dishwasher should be there.

FAMILY FORTUNES BUZZER

I love my dishwasher. It's like a husband only better cos it does what you tell it, when you tell it,

-and the rest of the time, it shuts up.

-LAUGHTER

-You surprise me. I'd have thought you'd hate dishwashers.

-I love it.

-Being a feminist, it's taking one of your jobs away.

-AUDIENCE: Ohhh!

APPLAUSE

-One last chance. Come on.

-The contraceptive pill.

-Aghh!

-It's number ten, and only a man would possibly say that!

-LAUGHTER

Jeepers. You might as well say chlamydia.

Chlamydia. Is it there?

FAMILY FORTUNES BUZZER

-What are they, then?

-Well, number two is the light bulb.

-What's the first one?

-Aeroplane.

-Get away!

-It wasn't me, it was them!

That's more important than the invention of the plate?

Imagine doing a long-haul flight and the stewardess coming by,

"Do you want the beef, sir?" "Agh!"

LAUGHTER

Are we any closer to an answer, Germaine?

Well, I've got someone on the phone who should be able to give us an answer and that's Dr Colin Brown

from the Institution of Mechanical Engineers. Say hello, Rhod.

-"Hello."

-Hello! This is Rhod. How are you?

-"I'm very well.

-"Looking forward to your question."

-Have you been listening?

-"I have.

-"And I've heard some interesting stuff and some silly stuff."

-Have you?

"The wheel is in everything. It makes electricity, it pumps water, it pumps gas.

-"You're not going to be able to get home tonight without a wheel."

-I could just walk home.

-"You could, but you'll use street lights to illuminate the way."

-Nope.

-LAUGHTER

-It seems like we're counting anything round as a wheel.

Cos there are some things that are round that rotate, but they're not wheels.

"It's anything that's got an axle. It's not a roller, it's not like a tree trunk,

"it's something that's got an axle and all the things we've talked about have an axle you can control."

So can you sum it up for us, Dr Brown? The wheel is the more important?

"It is by far the more important and will never be substituted."

-Ooh. A bold claim, but I will take that as an answer. Thank you.

-LOUD CHORD

APPLAUSE

So, Westwood, you wanted to know whether paper or the wheel was more important

and the answer is that wheel beats paper.

I met a man once who said he was a paper millionaire, which didn't mean much to me.

I then met a man who said he was a "wheel" millionaire. It was Jonathan Ross.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And I'm awarding that round to Greg.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's see who else has a question for us.

-Lord Sugar. Are you a fan of The Apprentice, Germaine?

-No.

-Oh.

-LAUGHTER

-What, you mean...

-I find it brutal.

-Do you?

-It's pretty cool, right?

LAUGHTER

-I hate it!

-Don't you think it's made business quite sexy, though?

-Quite a boring thing quite sexy?

-Yeah, just look at him.

-LAUGHTER

-Phwoar!

Ah, Bjork.

LAUGHTER

It's the toffee penny, since you ask.

-LAUGHTER

-Let's have a question from Boris Johnson. Fans of Boris?

-Can I tell you something about Boris Johnson?

-Tell me whatever you like.

Well, it's about his dad. Cos apparently, him and his dad look really similar

and his dad rides a bike, as well, and his dad was out on his bike one day just riding along

and some geezer shouted at him, "Oi, Johnson, you wanker!" and he went, "I think you mean my son".

LAUGHTER

His name's Stanley Johnson and he tells a story

that he was in a car I was driving in Bucharest.

But he tells this story that I was banging on about something

and he was so overcome with the tedium of it all

that he opened the door and just allowed himself to fall out at a stop light

-and I drove on without him!

-LAUGHTER

Oh, at a stop light? I thought you'd told a story so dull,

-someone had thrown themselves from a moving vehicle.

-And you carried on talking and driving?

Yes! Well, I wasn't going to go back for bloody Stanley Johnson, was I?

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, look. Pandas.

LAUGHTER

It's our next round, The World Asks.

Let's see who wants to know what.

Ah, it's a rodeo cowboy. What does he want to know?

Yippee-ki-yay, Mr Gilbert. Here at the rodeo,

sometimes the animals seem to be more in control of us than we are of them.

I want to know, if all humans were to become extinct, which animal do you think would take over the world?

LAUGHTER

I thought he was going to ask, "What happens when you cross a hat with a paper aeroplane?"

-LAUGHTER

-What exactly is wrong with his hat?

APPLAUSE

Er, if humans became extinct, what animal would take over?

See what you can find out, Germaine, and I will talk to our panel.

-Who's going to take over if humans become extinct?

-I think insects.

-Insects will not take over.

-They have the numbers. They just haven't got the organisation at the moment.

-Birds eat insects.

-Nothing can beat monkeys, though. Monkeys would take over.

-Birds beat monkeys.

-Birds don't beat monkeys in paper, scissors, stone, animal world.

Yes, they do. Bird eats insects and bird, er... Birds would irritate monkeys.

Yeah. And then monkey throws bird against wall. LAUGHTER

Just before hits wall, bird realises it can fly and just flies up.

Monkey's thrown bird against wall two feet away, so bird hasn't got time to unfurl its wings before it hits wall.

-Bird doesn't need to unfurl wings. Bird is bird.

-LAUGHTER

Have you ever seen a bird get up in the morning and think, "I'll just unfurl these"?

-LAUGHTER

-I think it's going to be the dogs.

-I think it's dogs. Cos we've given them the training.

-Mm.

I think that dogs would. Cos you don't get sniffer monkeys, do you?

-Or guide cats? The dogs.

-How do you answer that, Greg? You don't get sniffer monkeys.

My monkeys will be riding on the dogs. Dogs will become the new horses.

-LAUGHTER

-I don't think anything would take over.

It would all balance itself out again.

The animals would all get on with each other, some would eat each other and do what they do anyway,

and if you really boil it down, it looks like we're the ones that have screwed it all up!

APPLAUSE

I've got a theory that all the animals in the world

probably can't understand each other from different countries.

Like, if you took a cow in Devon and a cow in India, they're not going to understand each other.

-Oh, oh!

-No, bear with me.

-I'm listening.

-The one animal that can understand each other all over the world

because it's all linked is in the sea, whales.

Because they've got sonar, I think they'd find it easy to communicate and coordinate.

-I've got sonar.

-You've got sonar?

I told Lloyd this the other day and he laughed at me. I proved it.

-Do it again.

-All right.

-Can I just point out, Greg doesn't have sonar.

-LAUGHTER

-You don't have sonar.

-Get a bit of paper and test me.

-Andi, put your hands over Greg's eyes to make sure he's not cheating.

-All right.

-LAUGHTER

-Come on.

-Are you in front of me, though?

-Yes, he is. Off you go.

Boop! LAUGHTER

Boooop! LAUGHTER

Boooooooop! LAUGHTER

-12, 13 foot.

-Oh!

-Very good!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-That is ridiculous. That is ridiculous.

-Don't like it, do you?

-Don't like my sonar powers.

-I was perfectly happy with you looking like a whale,

-I just don't like you having sonar.

-LAUGHTER

Let's have a fact, Germaine. Any more information on what species may take over?

Well, some animals are crafty enough to get one up on us already. Here's a clip.

RAP MUSIC

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I went into a little seafood stand at Folkestone, down on the harbour,

and bought some cockles and walked away from the stand eating the cockles

and a seagull swooped straight down and grabbed the whole bag of cockles

and I turned around to the woman in the cockle stand

and she just pointed to this sign which says,

"We are not responsible if seagulls pinch your seafood."

-Happens all the time.

-I've got a little experiment here

as a way of possibly deciding which species might take over from us.

If you look under your desk, each of you will have hands from different species of animals.

I want you to try and see if you can feed yourself.

I'd love to know what animal this is supposed to be.

-LAUGHTER

-A dolphin.

-What have you got there, Lloyd?

-Hooves.

LAUGHTER

-Lloyd has got hooves, Larry's got claws.

-I've got... I'm webbed.

-We've got to eat as much as we can?

-Eat as much as you can. On your marks, get set, go!

LAUGHTER

It's a confident start from Larry with his claws. Oh, Greg's away with the tangerine!

LAUGHTER

Good effort. Ohh!

LAUGHTER

Oh, look at Larry Lamb peeling his tangerine like there's no tomorrow. He's in!

-He's in!

-LAUGHTER

-Greg, maybe you could collaborate with Larry...

-LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

I think Larry is doing remarkably well with the claws.

Despite the effort that Greg is making with that yoghurt,

I am going to announce Larry as the winner cos he's almost finished. Larry is our winner.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Er, while you put those things away, are we any closer to finding an answer, Germaine?

Er, Professor Dean Falk of Florida State University

says it's the chimpanzee who will take over.

Their brains come closest to those of humans in terms of organisation.

They have been known to manufacture tools and are quite a territorial and dominant species.

Therefore it's possible that they could evolve into

by far the most intelligent species left on earth.

-So Greg was right. I will take that as an answer.

-LOUD CHORD

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Rodeo Cowboy, you asked which animal would take over the world

if we became extinct? The answer is chimps.

I'm going to award that round to Larry for his superb use of claws.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next it's time for my quick-fire round, The Audience Asks.

I'm going to try and get through as many questions as I can before we hear this noise.

# I'm every woman

There's no time for the answer button. We're just going to use this bell.

-BELL CHIMES

-So, who's first? No time, crack on, it's Chris Teear.

-Hi, Rhod.

-Hi.

-What's the point of culottes?

-I think it's for the lady who enjoys wearing a skirt

-but is worried that she'll...

-But she likes something between her legs.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

We have no idea what the point of culottes is.

-David Livingstone. Hello, David.

-Hiya. Why can't you feel pain on the skin of your elbow?

LAUGHTER

-Yeah!

-Oh!

-Yeah!

-It's worth knowing though, like, in a fight situation,

-if someone's attacking you, to just hold up your elbows.

-LAUGHTER

-Technically now I am invincible.

-LAUGHTER

-Does anyone know why it is? I don't know why.

-Because there's no nerve endings there.

-BELL CHIMES

-There's no nerve endings there, David. That's it.

APPLAUSE

Laura McKibbin. Where are you, Laura, and what's your question?

-What if we were nocturnal?

-What if we were nocturnal? That's it, is it? That's your question?

-I think that is a sexy question, I like that question.

-Why is that a sexy question?

Because we'd have different eyes.

-We'd have different perceptions.

-Oh, that is sexy!

LAUGHTER

-Different eyes.

-We'd have big, luminous eyes like...

-Oh, I'm getting really turned on.

-LAUGHTER

-Like possums. They're gorgeous.

-Honestly...

-Wonderful.

-If I see an owl, I'm on it like a puma. LAUGHTER

All the nocturnal creatures would take over during the day then,

we'd have foxes driving cars and badgers working at Debenhams.

BELL CHIMES

-Bridie McCreesh, where are you?

-Hi Rhod. What I want to know is if your face was on the back of your head...

-Oh, God!

-..which way is forward?

And your legs are still going to walk that way, so you'd probably have to say that was forward.

Maybe we'd start to walk on four legs or something.

And if we wanted to see where we were going, we'd sort of do that.

-Then our heads would be upside down.

-Oh, yeah, your head would be upside down.

-Yeah, but your eyes could be there.

-No, they wouldn't.

-BELL CHIMES

-You bloody idiot!

-Sarah-Jane Morgan, where are you? Hello. What's your question?

-Hi, Rhod. Why are spiders getting bigger?

Actually, what you're probably seeing is spiders from Europe

are moving in and moving northwards.

That was David Bowie's disappointing follow up album. LAUGHTER

Spiders from Europe. LAUGHTER

-I got bitten by a black widow once.

-LAUGHTER

-It was my fault for disrupting the funeral.

-LAUGHTER

-Greg, are they getting bigger, spiders?

-Yes, they are getting much bigger.

-Fine. That'll do.

-Adrian Harte. Hello, Adrian, what's your question?

-Hello, Rhod.

Can you be too tall for your feet?

-Your feet are always relative to your height, unless you're a clown.

-LAUGHTER

What's the question, mate? Are you asking if I, as a six-foot-eight man, had baby's feet,

-whether that would be abnormal?

-My sister was at the podiatrists and she said,

-"You know your problem? Your feet are too small for your height."

-What problem was your sister having?

Your sister isn't a deer, is she? LAUGHTER

Why would a podiatrist say, "You know your problem, your feet..." What problem did she go there with?

I think we should change the name of this show from Ask Rhod Gilbert

-to Rhod Gilbert Aggressively Interrogates The Audience.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-# I'm every woman

-Oh, that is out of time.

That's about all we have time for, but just one more question

and it is our Special Guest Asks round, so Larry, do you have a question for us?

Yeah, in terms of our lifespan, when are we happiest?

Germaine, can you see what you can find out? What age are we happiest?

-What age is...

-Andi.

I think when you're a baby, they seem quite content.

It's really easy to make them smile. You just show them a bit of paper or something, or a wheel,

and they go, "Brilliant!"

I agree with Andi, actually, because when you're a baby or maybe when you're a toddler,

you're experiencing the world for the first time

so you get really excited by things.

Like, I can remember when I was a toddler getting constantly excited by seeing a dog.

-And I very rarely get excited by seeing dogs now.

-LAUGHTER

We do have some evidence to support this case about babies.

Take a look at this.

BABY LAUGHS

BABY LAUGHS

BABY LAUGHS

BABY LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

It's infectious.

It is infectious, but is that happiness? It's not conscious... Is it happiness?

-Well, off the top of my head, it looks pretty happy, mate.

-Do you know what I mean?

Is it consciously happy or is it just being entertained in an instinctive way?

Maybe the brilliance of that is that he's not conscious to his happiness, he just is.

-He is happiness.

-Just one thing about that. Babies, too, can learn what reaction you expect from them

-and they can produce it.

-Are you saying that baby knows what he's doing?

I'm saying that the child has learnt that the thing you do in this situation is you laugh.

And everybody else laughs, too. It's not as if it's funny tearing up paper.

Well, it depends what's being torn up there now. I mean maybe...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-It was actually the Daily Mail!

-You laughed at that, Germaine.

-I'm an infant.

-I thought the conventional wisdom was that you're happier when you're older.

-What do you think, Larry? Can I ask how old you are?

-I'm 64.

-This is the best time of my life.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

Germaine, what do you think personally? When are we happiest?

-There's a lot of stress when you're a kid.

-I was very bored when I was a child. I was bored shitless.

-Were you? Why?

-Well, nothing was happening, I couldn't go anywhere, I couldn't do anything.

Erm, I went to school, I went home, I did housework, I read.

-You're thinking of Cinderella.

-LAUGHTER

You're never happier than being on a beach, digging a hole, seeing if you can dig to Australia.

-The contentment. You're just so easily pleased.

-But there was no fun in that for Germaine.

LAUGHTER

It was simple pleasures when you were a kid, like peeling skin.

Where's that gone? What happened to that?

I can remember you used to sit on the beach and used to peel whole strips of A3 off your dad's back.

I could literally peel off a thing that was recognisably my dad and stand it next to him.

LAUGHTER

-It's true!

-No, you couldn't!

You could peel an entire replica dad there, just a skin one.

It's like a lizard, like a snake shedding its skin.

So basically, you guys think it's babies, that you're happiest when you're a baby.

Larry thinks it's the older age group, but I think I can find a scientific way of sorting this out.

So how about we go to the lab?

APPLAUSE

Welcome to the lab, where tonight Professor Langford and I will be trying to work out

at what age we are happiest. Will it be when we are in our old age, demonstrated by Larry Lamb,

or will it be when we are a baby, as represented by baby Greg?

-LAUGHTER

-To help us feed you, Greg,

-would you please welcome Andi Osho with her inexhaustible milk supply.

-LAUGHTER

-Are you happy there, Larry?

-Happy as Larry.

-Happy as Larry, good man.

-APPLAUSE

Let's feed baby Greg. So we have some pork and apple baby food.

LAUGHTER

-Is it real baby food?

-It is real baby food.

He's got a little bit dirty so it's bath time. Lloyd, get the bath out. That's it.

Get some shampoo on that hair. That's it. Give him a good old wash.

He's complaining again. I think he must be hungry.

Next we need to dry him off, Lloyd, so get some talc on him. Talc him up properly, that's the way.

-That's it. How's Larry doing? Larry, are you all right?

-Happy as Larry.

-LAUGHTER

Next we take him to playgroup, where the other babies draw all over the swampy-toothed newcomer.

LAUGHTER

-Next up...

-Agh!

-Next up, Lloyd the babysitter decides to take Greg to the zoo.

No sooner have they arrived than a gorilla escapes from his cage

and tries to force-feed Greg a banana. Oh, no! It looks like Greg is choking on the banana.

-I'm not choking on the banana!

-Yes, you are, Greg!

But luckily the gorilla has learnt some basic first aid...

-LAUGHTER

-..and gives Greg the Heimlich manoeuvre.

LAUGHTER

-Can we have an answer, please? Quick, give us an answer.

-According to the findings of a recent US study

undertaken between three different universities, we are happiest around the age of 70.

-70 is our answer. Press the button!

-LOUD CHORD

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-That's pretty much it for tonight.

People of Britain, if you've got a question,

you can tweet #AskRhod on Twitter.

But for tonight, it is thanks to Larry Lamb,

Andi Osho, Greg Davies and Lloyd Langford,

and, of course, our authenticator, Germaine Greer!

I'm Rhod Gilbert and you can ask me literally anything. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

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