Episode 8 Ask Rhod Gilbert


Episode 8

Similar Content

Browse content similar to Episode 8. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

APPLAUSE

0:00:160:00:19

'Tonight on Ask Rhod Gilbert, our special guests are...

0:00:230:00:26

'He has more "L"s in his name than Lloyd...

0:00:260:00:28

'And five-star stand-up...

0:00:320:00:34

'They're here every week...

0:00:360:00:38

'Ladies and gentlemen, Ask Rhod Gilbert.'

0:00:450:00:49

APPLAUSE

0:00:490:00:51

Hello, welcome. My name is Rhod Gilbert.

0:00:550:00:57

My job is to find the answers to the questions that keep us awake at night.

0:00:570:01:01

Questions such as,

0:01:010:01:02

"Why is breakfast in bed considered such a luxury?"

0:01:020:01:05

Having a meal in your bed is no more a treat than going to the toilet on your own sofa.

0:01:050:01:10

Personally, I don't want to eat in the place where I sleep. I'm not a bear.

0:01:100:01:15

Houses are split into rooms for a reason.

0:01:150:01:17

If they weren't, Cluedo would be a pretty pointless game.

0:01:170:01:20

"We all saw who done it. It was Professor Plum

0:01:200:01:23

"in the open-plan living-room area with a fold-away bed."

0:01:230:01:26

I don't see what's so sexy about bits of food in the bed, anyway.

0:01:260:01:30

I've never considered a dustbuster to be a sex toy.

0:01:300:01:33

LAUGHTER

0:01:330:01:35

I want to play Hide the Sausage, not Try and Find the Grilled Tomato.

0:01:350:01:38

Anyway, on with the show.

0:01:380:01:41

APPLAUSE

0:01:410:01:43

We need someone with credibility to help us find the answers to our questions.

0:01:460:01:51

As always, we begin by asking, who is tonight's authenticator?

0:01:510:01:55

She'll need all the vim and vigour she showed as a pioneer of exciting youth TV programming...

0:01:550:02:00

..all the gumption it took to edit The Independent on Sunday...

0:02:020:02:05

..and all the guts and determination she needed to come fourth on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.

0:02:090:02:15

That's right, tonight's authenticator is super-savvy media guru, Janet Street-Porter.

0:02:160:02:21

# Oh, here she comes

0:02:210:02:23

# Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up

0:02:230:02:26

# Whoa, here she comes

0:02:260:02:28

# She's a maneater

0:02:280:02:30

# Whoa, here she comes #

0:02:300:02:33

Janet, thanks for coming.

0:02:330:02:35

-Do I have to wear my glasses for the rest of the show?

-If you want.

0:02:350:02:39

It won't throw me if you take them off. I won't think, "Is she still going to be able to talk?"

0:02:390:02:44

-Do you want me to wear my pants for the whole show?

-Yes.

0:02:440:02:48

-I'll let you into a secret. I've got on last week's pants.

-Are you economising?

0:02:480:02:52

We've been staying in hotels for the last four weeks and I forgot to put a wash on.

0:02:520:02:57

-Can I give you a tip?

-I had to go back into my laundry bag.

0:02:570:03:00

Get shower gel, put them in the bath and jump up and down. Imagine you're making wine.

0:03:000:03:05

It's not quite like making wine - jumping up and down on your pants.

0:03:050:03:09

How will you be helping us?

0:03:100:03:12

I'll provide you and the panel with the information you need to answer tonight's questions.

0:03:120:03:17

Thank you very much. When I think we have an answer, I will do this...

0:03:170:03:20

HEAVENLY CHORUS

0:03:200:03:22

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

0:03:220:03:24

-You're looking quite tanned, Laurence.

-Thank you very much.

0:03:240:03:27

Is that natural? Is that because of all the manual labour you've been doing recently?

0:03:270:03:32

Have you been digging up roads again?

0:03:320:03:34

I've been creosoting the fence and it just sort of over-sprayed.

0:03:340:03:39

-You don't creosote your own fence.

-No, of course I don't! Although, it's cheaper than fake tan.

0:03:390:03:44

Andrew, what have you learnt this week? Anything exciting?

0:03:440:03:47

Erm, I've just got back from doing some gigs in India.

0:03:470:03:50

I tell you what I found out. Top-selling beauty product - skin-lightening cream.

0:03:500:03:56

Cream to make your skin paler. How racist is that?

0:03:560:03:58

I thought, "I've got to give that a try!" I may have overdone it.

0:03:580:04:02

I don't know what the family are going to say when I go back to Trinidad.

0:04:030:04:08

Let's find out who wants to know what.

0:04:090:04:12

Who have we got tonight?

0:04:120:04:14

David... I was going to say, "I get you two mixed up."

0:04:140:04:17

-That's not what I meant.

-LAUGHTER

0:04:170:04:20

That's lovely of you.

0:04:200:04:22

-You know what I mean!

-He's a fine-looking man.

-He is!

0:04:240:04:28

-He

-was

-a fine-looking man.

0:04:280:04:30

It looks like that photo was taken as he was being hit by a car.

0:04:300:04:34

We'll show you the next one. It's tragic!

0:04:350:04:39

Who's next? Vladimir Putin.

0:04:390:04:42

Oh, David Walliams!

0:04:490:04:51

Well, I was going to do a sponsored Kim Jong-il impression, but it looks like you've beaten me to it.

0:04:550:05:00

APPLAUSE

0:05:030:05:05

Oh, Cliff Richard!

0:05:050:05:07

-Sir Cliff Richard now, isn't it?

-Yes.

-Am I right?

0:05:070:05:10

Do you think you'll get, you know, a knighthood?

0:05:100:05:14

-Don't want one.

-Do you not?

-No. What do I want with an honour for? I'm special, anyway.

0:05:140:05:19

I don't need somebody giving me a gong!

0:05:190:05:22

-All right, calm down.

-Shove it!

0:05:220:05:25

Would you want one, Laurence?

0:05:250:05:27

Yes, of course. I think, er...

0:05:270:05:29

-LAUGHTER

-What a foolish question!

0:05:290:05:33

Ooh! It's our first round, ladies and gentlemen. A Famous Face Asks.

0:05:330:05:38

Let's see who wants to know what. Oh, it's Robin Gibb of the Bee Gees. What would he like to know?

0:05:380:05:44

Hi, Rhod. As I'm sure you know, not only am I an international popstar,

0:05:440:05:49

and I wouldn't have it any other way,

0:05:490:05:51

but I was also the first man to set foot on the moon.

0:05:510:05:55

So what I want to know is,

0:05:550:05:58

how many times a day does the average person lie?

0:05:580:06:02

How many times does the average person lie?

0:06:020:06:06

-Are you a liar?

-I'm genetically programmed to lie.

0:06:060:06:09

-I inherited it from -

-As a woman, you mean?

0:06:090:06:11

No! AUDIENCE: Ooh!

0:06:110:06:13

I think that was a sad, sad thing that I'll just ignore that.

0:06:130:06:18

I'm programmed to lie because both my parents were liars.

0:06:180:06:21

They told me they were married, and I discovered they weren't

0:06:210:06:25

and I was born out of wedlock.

0:06:250:06:27

You bastard!

0:06:270:06:30

-Are you a liar, Laurence?

-When you get that difficult moment

0:06:310:06:35

when your beloved wife asks you if her bottom looks big in something,

0:06:350:06:39

that is not when you tell the truth.

0:06:390:06:42

Has she got a fat arse, your missus?

0:06:420:06:44

-I told my niece recently that the picture she'd done of me was really good.

-There we are.

0:06:460:06:52

It was absolutely rubbish! Absolutely rubbish. It could've been a lorry.

0:06:520:06:57

-I can understand that!

-But, to be fair, you are quite...

0:06:580:07:02

My nephew was asking me about the Tooth Fairy,

0:07:020:07:05

and I said there's also the Finger Fairy.

0:07:050:07:08

If you sleep with your hand under the pillow,

0:07:080:07:11

it'll take one of your fingers.

0:07:110:07:14

-Why did you tell him that?

-Just to amuse myself.

0:07:160:07:19

-Did it work?

-Yes, he hasn't slept since.

0:07:200:07:24

Let's have a fact, please, Janet, about lying.

0:07:260:07:29

The top lie for a man is, "I didn't have that much to drink."

0:07:290:07:35

The top lie for a woman is,

0:07:350:07:37

"Nothing's wrong, I'm fine."

0:07:370:07:40

See, that's not even a lie! A lie is meant to deceive.

0:07:410:07:45

-Women aren't trying to deceive, they're trying to lure you in.

-They're sending a message.

0:07:450:07:49

That's a statement. For goodness sake!

0:07:490:07:52

They're not lying. That's not a woman's lie.

0:07:520:07:54

Women lie every time they put on makeup.

0:07:540:07:57

-That is an interesting one.

-You're not getting away with that!

0:07:590:08:02

Wonderbras, that's a lie. Makeup, wigs... It's all lies.

0:08:020:08:05

They have those man things now you can get

0:08:050:08:08

that hold all your moobs in and pull up your bits.

0:08:080:08:11

Can you, Greg?

0:08:110:08:13

Have you got another fact for us?

0:08:180:08:20

"Fact - your nose swells up like Pinocchio when you lie.

0:08:200:08:25

"Erectile tissues in your nose fill up with blood.

0:08:250:08:29

"This is why some people scratch their noses when they're lying."

0:08:290:08:34

-That is a tell. That is a leak, a tell, a physical leak.

-Yes.

0:08:340:08:40

I've never seen it particularly swell. Have you noticed that?

0:08:400:08:45

You've seen it physically get bigger, Lloyd?

0:08:450:08:47

No, I agree with Janet.

0:08:470:08:50

If you think of famous liars, a lot of them have big noses.

0:08:500:08:54

Like, erm... Like she said, Pinocchio. Er...

0:08:540:08:58

-Yes, and all those other famous liars!

-Wait!

0:08:580:09:01

-Barry Manilow.

-How is Barry Manilow a liar?

0:09:010:09:05

One of his songs is called "I Write the Songs"

0:09:050:09:09

and it was written by a guy called Bruce Johnston.

0:09:090:09:13

D'you know like with lying generally,

0:09:130:09:16

if I said to you,

0:09:160:09:18

-"Would you take a million quid -"

-Yes.

0:09:180:09:20

-"..a one-off fee..."

-Definitely.

0:09:200:09:22

"..a one-off fee of £1 million if you could never lie again",

0:09:220:09:27

and there was some kind of sign, so if you lied,

0:09:270:09:30

a buzzer would go off and your nose would flash, would you take it?

0:09:300:09:34

-A one-off fee, Laurence, never to lie again.

-Goodness, no.

0:09:340:09:38

Lying's far too much fun. It would have to be a lot more than £1 million.

0:09:380:09:43

I'm not sure if this is a reflection of your attitude to lying or just how much money you've got.

0:09:430:09:48

It could go either way.

0:09:480:09:50

-Andrew, would you?

-Yes.

-Would you?

-£1 million is quite useful.

0:09:500:09:53

But you'd have this thing on your head, flashing every time you told a lie.

0:09:530:09:57

Do you know what I would do with the million? I'd buy a hat.

0:09:570:10:01

LAUGHTER

0:10:010:10:03

Let's have another fact.

0:10:040:10:06

"Modern technology can make it harder to lie.

0:10:060:10:09

"One woman caught her husband cheating on her

0:10:090:10:12

"when she saw his car parked outside her friend's house on Google Street View

0:10:120:10:18

"when he was supposed to be away on business."

0:10:180:10:21

-Do you worry about CCTV and Google Earth?

-I hate it.

0:10:210:10:24

I don't worry about it.

0:10:240:10:26

If you haven't got anything to hide, you've nothing to worry about.

0:10:260:10:30

It's interesting you say that, because we've got a picture of you

0:10:300:10:33

somewhere where I'm not sure you were supposed to be.

0:10:330:10:37

LAUGHTER

0:10:370:10:39

That was you coming out of, clearly, the ladies' toilet.

0:10:390:10:43

Anyone could do that. It's a simple, honest mistake.

0:10:430:10:47

-Anyone else done that?

-I'd probably hold it in rather than use a ladies,

0:10:470:10:52

but I have used disabled toilets if the men's are out of order.

0:10:520:10:55

I used it in a service station. I came out and the man working there was stood waiting for me.

0:10:550:11:01

He said, "Those toilets are for the disabled." I said, "I am." He said, "What's your disability?"

0:11:010:11:06

He said, "I have extremely poor hand-eye coordination."

0:11:060:11:10

"That's not a disability." I said, "Tell me that after you've seen how much piss I've left on the floor."

0:11:100:11:16

You're saying, Lloyd, that that was just an error, was it?

0:11:210:11:25

-An honest mistake.

-Really? Let's have a look.

0:11:250:11:28

Oh!

0:11:280:11:30

And again.

0:11:320:11:34

-I don't know what you're laughing at, Greg.

-What?!

0:11:350:11:39

That's a Chinese all-you-can-eat buffet.

0:11:390:11:42

-I'm entitled to have a little lunch.

-You are.

0:11:420:11:45

12.21. Back in.

0:11:450:11:48

And then he comes out. 12.35.

0:11:480:11:51

12.44.

0:11:510:11:53

You can't get away with anything!

0:11:580:12:01

I read somewhere that you lied to one of your husbands

0:12:010:12:05

and then ended up locked in the boot of somebody's car.

0:12:050:12:08

It was shocking! It was husband number...three.

0:12:080:12:13

I was making a TV show up in Carlisle

0:12:130:12:16

and I said I couldn't come home for the weekend because I was working,

0:12:160:12:20

and then I secretly flew down to London to...

0:12:200:12:22

I was having a dirty weekend with a rock guitarist.

0:12:220:12:26

We went somewhere for dinner. I walked in and there was my husband sitting in the restaurant.

0:12:260:12:32

And that's when I turned and ran and got in the car boot.

0:12:320:12:35

-Why did you get in the boot?

-I panicked!

0:12:350:12:39

Look at me! I'm over six foot.

0:12:390:12:40

I couldn't stand on a street corner and pretend I was a lamppost, could I?!

0:12:400:12:46

Ever been caught lying, Lloyd?

0:12:460:12:48

-I've been caught out.

-Have you?

0:12:480:12:50

When I was young, I went round my next-door neighbour's

0:12:500:12:53

and he had a collection of Star Wars figures I was very envious of.

0:12:530:12:58

And he went to leave the room to use the toilet,

0:12:580:13:01

I tucked my trousers into my socks and filled my trousers with his Star Wars toys.

0:13:010:13:07

-How did you get caught out?

-I had a bloody Millennium Falcon down the back of my pants!

0:13:070:13:12

It was about this big!

0:13:120:13:15

Janet, are we any closer to getting any answer on how many times a day we lie?

0:13:160:13:21

According to Bella DePaulo, a social psychologist from the University of California,

0:13:210:13:26

"People lie once or twice a day

0:13:260:13:30

"or in one out of about every three conversations

0:13:300:13:35

"that last ten minutes or longer."

0:13:350:13:37

-I will take that as an answer.

-HEAVENLY CHORUS

0:13:370:13:41

So, Robin, you asked how many times a day does the average person lie

0:13:440:13:48

and the answer is one or two times a day.

0:13:480:13:50

The bigger the lie, the more believable it is.

0:13:500:13:53

At least, that's what The Saturdays told me, Greg and Lloyd in bed this morning.

0:13:530:13:57

I'm going to give that round to Andrew.

0:13:570:14:01

Next up, it's my quick-fire round, The Audience Asks.

0:14:050:14:09

I'll try and get through as many questions as I can before we hear this noise...

0:14:090:14:13

JANET: "Get on with it!"

0:14:130:14:16

You don't get the answer button. There's no time for that.

0:14:160:14:19

-You just get this bell.

-"DING" RESONATES

0:14:190:14:23

Who have we got first? Julie Sloan. Where are you, Julie? Hello.

0:14:260:14:30

-What's your question?

-If you could be any animal for a day, what would you be?

0:14:300:14:35

I'd be a zebra and I'd keep rolling myself over the self-service checkout.

0:14:350:14:40

BELL DINGS

0:14:410:14:44

Maeve Doherty. Where's Maeve Doherty?

0:14:450:14:48

-Hello.

-Hiya.

0:14:480:14:49

-What's your question?

-Why is it necessary to nail down a coffin lid?

0:14:490:14:54

-In case they drop the coffin?

-I think so.

0:14:540:14:56

If you drop the coffin, you don't want to see your relative go, "Buuuh!"

0:14:560:15:01

Maybe it's because dead people are buried with jewellery

0:15:020:15:06

and they're worried someone will break in and take it.

0:15:060:15:09

If you've gone as far as digging them up and getting the coffin out,

0:15:090:15:13

you're not going to go, "There's a couple of nails in that."

0:15:130:15:17

APPLAUSE

0:15:190:15:21

I think the answer is Greg's thing, to stop the body falling out.

0:15:240:15:30

-George Barnes. Where's George? Right up at the back. Hello.

-Hello.

0:15:320:15:36

-What's your question?

-Do Spanish people get sick when they drink their own water?

0:15:360:15:41

Have you got a story to tell?

0:15:410:15:43

-What happened to you when you drank the water?

-You don't want to know. Seriously!

0:15:430:15:48

He was 40 stone before he went to Spain.

0:15:480:15:52

The water in Spain is perfectly drinkable, isn't it?

0:15:530:15:55

-You have to drink bottled water.

-Not in public toilets!

0:15:550:15:59

-What happened?

-Well, I was desperate for a drink,

0:15:590:16:02

-so I just went into a public toilet and...

-Stuck your head down the pan?

0:16:020:16:06

..filled the sink up and went at it like a dog.

0:16:060:16:10

Never a good sentence in any context, that!

0:16:110:16:15

You lapped it?

0:16:160:16:18

I've got a big head, so I couldn't fit under the tap.

0:16:180:16:22

-And you lapped it like a dog?

-Next time you're in a public toilet,

0:16:220:16:26

rather than filling up a revolting sink and going at it like a dog,

0:16:260:16:31

why didn't you just do this...

0:16:310:16:33

Or are your hands too big to get in there, as well?

0:16:360:16:38

Sit down!

0:16:380:16:41

Who is next?

0:16:420:16:44

Oh! Maureen Breen!

0:16:440:16:47

Where are you, Maureen Breen?

0:16:470:16:49

-What would you like to know?

-Why do you say "cheese" when getting your photo taken?

0:16:490:16:55

You could actually...

0:16:560:16:58

It's because when you say "cheese", your face makes the look of a smile.

0:16:580:17:03

-It is.

-You can say any word with a double "E" in it,

0:17:030:17:05

so Maureen Breen would be perfect.

0:17:050:17:08

-BELL DINGS

-Very true! "Maureen Breen"!

0:17:080:17:11

That is true. "Maureen Breen"!

0:17:110:17:14

Er, Tracey Bell. Where are you? Hello, Tracey.

0:17:150:17:20

I would like to know, how hard would it be to eat

0:17:200:17:24

if God had put your mouth above your eyes?

0:17:240:17:28

Do you really want to know that, Tracey?

0:17:320:17:34

I tell you what would be really hard, it would be hard to do the train thing on kids.

0:17:340:17:39

"Here comes the train. Open wide!"

0:17:390:17:41

You'd have to go, "It's turned into a helicopter!"

0:17:410:17:45

If you were in a Chinese restaurant and you weren't very good at using chopsticks...

0:17:450:17:50

-It wouldn't be any different.

-You'd take a bloody eye out!

0:17:500:17:55

-BELL DINGS

-It'd be difficult with chopsticks.

0:17:550:17:59

Marie O'Brien, what's your question?

0:17:590:18:01

Since we own some of the banks, should we decide which uniforms the staff should wear?

0:18:010:18:07

Why do you want to choose what they wear?

0:18:070:18:09

-It's our chance to get some revenge on them.

-Revenge!

0:18:090:18:12

We want them to pay up, don't we?

0:18:120:18:15

Yes, but if you can have a laugh at them, as well, it's a bonus.

0:18:150:18:19

-You want to see them wear comedy outfits?

-Yes.

0:18:190:18:21

When you're asking for a mortgage and you've got a guy with a shoe on his head?

0:18:210:18:25

-Would that make you happy?

-"The Bank of Shoe".

0:18:250:18:28

Are you labouring under the misapprehension

0:18:280:18:31

the whole banking crisis was brought on by the bloke behind the desk in HSBC?

0:18:310:18:36

-Yes, I think it's a good idea...

-"Get on with it!"

0:18:360:18:39

Ohh!

0:18:390:18:40

That sound meant that we are out of time.

0:18:400:18:43

I'm going to award that round to...

0:18:430:18:45

-..Greg, because I thought he did very well.

-Eh?

0:18:450:18:48

So the Queen. We've never had a question from the Queen before.

0:18:510:18:55

-It's quite exciting.

-Try it.

0:18:550:18:57

Well, I did know that because I got a copy of it

0:19:030:19:06

from my good friend Rupert Murdoch.

0:19:060:19:09

I've got a copy of your email here. It says,

0:19:100:19:13

"Dear Philip, the Indian Ambassador is coming to dinner tomorrow, so best take your pictures down."

0:19:130:19:19

Brucie, Brucie, Brucie... I'm going to pass Brucie over for Wonder Woman.

0:19:190:19:25

Well, Wonder Woman, I have, but I think you're getting on a bit now.

0:19:280:19:32

I enjoyed watching you take on evil in the '70s,

0:19:320:19:35

but I don't want to spend two hours watching you fight the menopause.

0:19:350:19:39

APPLAUSE

0:19:390:19:42

I went to Elton John's 50th as Wonder Woman.

0:19:450:19:48

I had that whole outfit, with the little whippy thing, the big double wig.

0:19:480:19:52

But I hadn't realised it was just a pair of pants, basically.

0:19:520:19:56

What was Elton's 50th like? I never mix in these circles.

0:19:560:19:58

I wore these big platform soles, so I was taller even, about six-eight,

0:19:580:20:02

and all the men that I danced with were at crotch level. It was an unfortunate evening.

0:20:020:20:08

You should've told them to stand up.

0:20:080:20:12

Oh, look, it's our next round, The World Asks.

0:20:120:20:16

Let's see who wants to know what.

0:20:160:20:18

It's an Antarctic researcher. What would they like to know?

0:20:180:20:22

Hi, Rhod. Down here in Antarctica, we hear lots of unusual sounds,

0:20:240:20:28

which made me wonder, what's the most annoying noise?

0:20:280:20:33

I'd be well annoyed if I'd just lost my balloon.

0:20:370:20:40

They've just been on their own too long.

0:20:410:20:44

They've been stuck there for a couple of years,

0:20:440:20:46

they've heard a camera's coming, and he says, "I'll do the speaking" and his mate's gone,

0:20:460:20:51

"I'll let go of a balloon in the background!

0:20:510:20:53

"It'll be mental! It'll be mental!"

0:20:530:20:58

Can you see what you can find out, Janet, about the most annoying noise?

0:20:580:21:03

OK. What's this? Hang on!

0:21:030:21:06

It turns out that a poll by Sky Talk in 2007

0:21:060:21:11

voted the most annoying celebrity voice...

0:21:110:21:17

..as me! LAUGHTER

0:21:170:21:19

Second was Ruby Wax and then David Beckham.

0:21:190:21:23

How dare they? No taste.

0:21:230:21:25

Do you feel quite... Do you like it when that happens?

0:21:250:21:28

I can't hear my own voice, can I? It comes out of my head and it's out there!

0:21:280:21:33

-Can you hear your voice?

-I can hear my voice, yes.

0:21:330:21:36

I don't know what my voice sounds like.

0:21:360:21:38

Start talking and then go like that...

0:21:380:21:40

What do you find annoying, Greg?

0:21:400:21:43

The obvious thing, a baby's laugh... A baby's laugh?!

0:21:430:21:47

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

0:21:470:21:49

The sound of a baby enjoying itself!

0:21:500:21:54

-It grates on all of us!

-I hate their cry, though.

0:21:540:21:57

I've got two nieces, and they're lovely, but it's such an awful noise.

0:21:570:22:02

I'd do anything to shut them up when they start.

0:22:020:22:05

What you want to do is sellotape one of those party streamers to their mouth,

0:22:050:22:11

so every time they cry, it goes, "Buh-buh!

0:22:110:22:16

Do you not think that would be more annoying?

0:22:170:22:20

It's a bit of a party atmosphere.

0:22:200:22:23

Andrew, what noise do you find irritating?

0:22:230:22:25

It's all context, isn't it? Any noise, if I'm trying to sleep.

0:22:250:22:30

Like, if I'm on a long-haul flight,

0:22:300:22:33

I can never sleep and I resent people who can

0:22:330:22:36

to the extent that I'll wait three hours into the journey,

0:22:360:22:39

once everyone's had something to eat, they're having a sleep,

0:22:390:22:43

and I'll duck down and make this noise...

0:22:430:22:45

HE SCREECHES

0:22:450:22:47

All the babies on the plane hear me and they join in.

0:22:470:22:50

When I was a kid,

0:22:520:22:54

I developed the most annoying noise of all time.

0:22:540:22:57

I used to do trials with my sister to see how long she could stand it.

0:22:570:23:01

-What was it?

-I have to do it up close.

0:23:010:23:03

-All right.

-Let him.

-You can do it to me if you want.

0:23:030:23:06

-I bet you won't last for five seconds.

-I bet I will.

-Put a clock on this.

0:23:060:23:10

-Look straight ahead.

-I haven't got a clock.

0:23:100:23:13

Look straight ahead. Straight ahead.

0:23:130:23:16

HE MUMBLES

0:23:160:23:18

It's not the noise!

0:23:180:23:21

It's not the noise!

0:23:210:23:23

What do you find the most annoying noise?

0:23:250:23:27

-I hate when you go on the quiet coach on the train and people start talking.

-Yes.

0:23:270:23:32

I do this thing now, while they're on their phone, I go up and go,

0:23:320:23:36

"It's the quiet coach! Q-U-I-E-T!"

0:23:360:23:40

While we're on the subject, when you're on Virgin trains, was is this noise...?

0:23:400:23:44

"Muh-mep! Muh-mep! Muh-mep!"

0:23:440:23:48

Randomly, every 12 minutes, "Muh-mep!"

0:23:480:23:52

I'm just falling off... Yeah, Branson, I'm coming for you!

0:23:520:23:56

I'm just falling asleep. "Muh-mep! Muh-mep!"

0:23:560:23:59

I asked a guard once. I said, "What's that noise for?" He went...

0:23:590:24:03

What about the noise that, by law, they have to have on all vehicles when reversing?

0:24:030:24:08

It goes, "Vehicle reversing! Vehicle reversing!"

0:24:080:24:11

-"Muh-mep!

-Like you can't spot a lorry about to run you down!

0:24:110:24:16

You say that, but David Dickinson would've enjoyed it.

0:24:160:24:19

-Let's have another fact.

-OK.

0:24:190:24:21

Bagpipes are the Marmite of the music world, so here's an unusual take on them. Check this out.

0:24:210:24:28

HE PLAYS TRADITIONAL TUNE

0:24:280:24:30

It's all been downhill for Bob Hoskins since the BT adverts.

0:24:390:24:44

That is a goat bagpipe.

0:24:440:24:47

-Is it dead?

-ALL TALK AT ONCE

0:24:470:24:51

Stop it!

0:24:510:24:52

What, you think the bloody goat's still alive?

0:24:520:24:56

-It could be alive, couldn't it?

-How could it be alive?

0:24:560:24:59

My wife can play a spaniel just like that.

0:24:590:25:03

-So to speak!

-So to speak.

0:25:030:25:05

-The spaniel comes to no harm.

-She plays the spaniel!

0:25:050:25:07

-Blows down the nose. It's all terribly amusing.

-Down the nose!

-Exactly.

0:25:070:25:11

She turned him round pretty quickly when you came in the room!

0:25:110:25:15

-How dare you!

-APPLAUSE

0:25:150:25:18

-Are we any closer to an answer?

-I've got an answer.

-Go on.

0:25:200:25:24

According to Environmental Protection UK,

0:25:240:25:28

the noise from neighbours is the most annoying.

0:25:280:25:31

-That's the thing that most people in Britain find annoying.

-Noisy neighbours.

0:25:310:25:35

-I will take that as an answer.

-HEAVENLY CHORUS

0:25:350:25:38

Antarctic researcher asked, "what's the most annoying noise?" The answer is noisy neighbours.

0:25:430:25:48

I think one of the most disturbing noises is when you overhear animals making love.

0:25:480:25:52

Lloyd used to be kept up all night by a couple of foxes having sex,

0:25:520:25:56

until I cut his broadband off.

0:25:560:25:59

I'm going to award that round to... Lloyd.

0:25:590:26:04

We've got through nearly all our questions, but we have time for one more,

0:26:070:26:12

which is Our Special Guest Asks round.

0:26:120:26:15

Laurence, do you have a question for us?

0:26:150:26:17

I'd like to know, it's reasonably topical,

0:26:170:26:19

what is the easiest Olympic event to win a medal in?

0:26:190:26:23

-Can you see what you can find out for us, Janet?

-Yes.

0:26:230:26:26

-What would you do, Greg?

-Any kind of winter sport, really.

0:26:260:26:30

Anything that involves going down a hill without doing anything whatsoever.

0:26:300:26:34

-The luge?

-The luge springs to mind with me.

0:26:340:26:38

-You could literally put a walrus on a luge and push him down.

-Yes.

-And he'd probably do quite well.

0:26:380:26:44

-I've got some film of bobsleighs.

-Yes.

0:26:440:26:47

The bobsleigh looks like a dangerous sport in more ways than one, so check this out.

0:26:470:26:52

GERMAN COMMENTARY

0:26:520:26:54

-It's quite erotic, isn't it?

-They're British!

0:27:090:27:11

-It actually is a bit.

-It is!

0:27:110:27:14

-You know what that German commentary is?

-What?

0:27:140:27:16

"I went into their dressing room and I unpicked her costume.

0:27:160:27:20

"Hopefully, I'm going to get to see a nice big, ripe ass."

0:27:200:27:24

"Let's see if we can reap the reward!"

0:27:240:27:26

Where did that happen?

0:27:260:27:28

-Er...

-On a mountain.

0:27:280:27:30

I imagine it was the Winter Olympic in Split!

0:27:300:27:33

-LAUGHTER

-Well done!

0:27:330:27:36

-I'm surprised she's wearing a thong.

-I'm surprised she was!

-Was she worried about her VPL?

0:27:360:27:41

I don't know why I'm surprised. I suppose you want to carry as little weight as possible.

0:27:410:27:46

-Either that or -

-Suddenly you're an expert on women's underwear! This is fascinating!

0:27:460:27:52

-Are you surprised?

-Do you think women choose their underwear on the basis of what it weighs?

0:27:520:27:57

-The thong isn't -

-I don't like thongs.

-If I said, "What is she wearing?"

0:27:570:28:01

you wouldn't go for "thong".

0:28:010:28:03

Has she got a peephole bra at the top? I doubt it.

0:28:030:28:07

Andrew, what would you think you've got a best shot in?

0:28:070:28:10

Probably the trampoline. Not because I think I would have any chance,

0:28:100:28:15

just because if you've got to spend eight months doing something,

0:28:150:28:19

jumping up and down is quite fun.

0:28:190:28:22

How hard can a high jump be?

0:28:220:28:24

This lady gives it a try. Let's take a look.

0:28:240:28:27

Oh!

0:28:360:28:37

Oh, no! LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

0:28:370:28:41

-That's terrible.

-That is terrible.

0:28:420:28:45

To be fair, she could've taken her sunglasses off!

0:28:450:28:49

-That was why she didn't see it!

-That's awesome.

0:28:490:28:51

That was a textbook high jump. She just went too early.

0:28:510:28:56

-Janet, do you have a fact for us?

-This picture is of the bizarre sport of chess boxing,

0:28:560:29:01

which is a bit like the ultimate test of brains and brawn.

0:29:010:29:04

The winner will either beat his opponent by checkmate

0:29:040:29:08

or knockout.

0:29:080:29:10

-So they box and play chess.

-OK.

0:29:100:29:13

I think it's quite a good idea, combining sports.

0:29:130:29:15

I have, just to finish the show, I've come up with a combined sport myself.

0:29:150:29:20

-Have you, Rhod?

-I have.

0:29:200:29:22

Normally, we go to the lab, but this week,

0:29:220:29:26

we are going to the ring.

0:29:260:29:30

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the main event!

0:29:340:29:38

It's fight night! It's the one they're calling the Feudio in the Studio,

0:29:380:29:44

that Brawl To End Them All, the Clash of the Tit Ends!

0:29:440:29:48

In the red corner,

0:29:480:29:50

after breaking four sets of industrial scales,

0:29:500:29:53

his weight's finally estimated at 900 pounds,

0:29:530:29:58

taking time out from fighting a losing battle against cholesterol,

0:29:580:30:02

a mad, bad Goliath, with no bottom, it's the Dark Destroyer of Buffets,

0:30:020:30:09

Greg Davies!

0:30:090:30:13

And in the blue corner, weighing in at 165 pounds,

0:30:140:30:20

from South Wales, the frozen-faced assassin,

0:30:200:30:23

he's the third-prettiest woman in Port Talbot,

0:30:230:30:26

Lloyd 'Ladyboy' Langford!

0:30:260:30:31

Ladies and gentlemen... Take the mic away and I will explain the rules

0:30:310:30:35

of the innovative sport you're about to see.

0:30:350:30:38

Think Gladiators meets The Only Way is Essex.

0:30:380:30:41

It's a combination of wrestling and male grooming.

0:30:410:30:45

Competitors must use one hand behind your back

0:30:450:30:48

and you have to remove as many hot-wax strips as you can from your opponent.

0:30:480:30:52

-Lloyd 'Ladyboy' Langford, are you ready?

-Yes.

0:30:520:30:55

-Greg 'The Destroyer of Buffets', are you ready?

-I'm so ready.

0:30:550:30:58

Ring the bell! And we're off.

0:30:580:31:00

Round one.

0:31:000:31:02

GREG SCREAMS

0:31:030:31:06

-They're lively!

-Go for the red! Get the red!

0:31:080:31:12

Stick it in the bucket. The old look-away-and-grab from Ladyboy.

0:31:140:31:18

SCREECHING

0:31:180:31:20

Get in, Langford!

0:31:200:31:22

Oh!

0:31:220:31:24

-WHISTLE

-Penalty.

0:31:270:31:28

Penalty against Lloyd for trying to pull Greg's leotard off. Please raise your arm.

0:31:280:31:33

ALL: Ooh!

0:31:330:31:36

You get to do it in a minute.

0:31:360:31:39

-Hold your arm up, Lloyd.

-GROANING

0:31:390:31:42

-Go.

-Quickly.

0:31:420:31:44

Never cross me, Langford!

0:31:440:31:47

GREG SCREAMS

0:31:470:31:49

Oh!

0:31:490:31:51

And waxle!

0:31:530:31:56

What's this?!

0:31:560:31:58

LAUGHTER

0:31:580:32:01

Awesome from the Ladyboy!

0:32:010:32:03

Lloyd's been training for this!

0:32:070:32:10

I was only told about it this afternoon!

0:32:100:32:12

Oh!

0:32:120:32:14

LLOYD SCREECHES

0:32:150:32:18

Get them in the bucket.

0:32:220:32:24

RHOD BHLOWS WHISTLE

0:32:240:32:26

Ring the bell! That is it!

0:32:260:32:29

-How many for Greg 'the Destroyer of Buffets'?

-Eight.

0:32:300:32:34

-Laurence, how many for Lloyd 'Ladyboy' Langford?

-Five.

0:32:340:32:37

The winner is Greg 'the Dark Destroyer of Buffets'!

0:32:370:32:41

-CHEERING

-Let's have you in for a photoshoot.

0:32:410:32:45

I'll go in the middle. You two kneel. Here's the trophy.

0:32:450:32:49

Could everybody get a hand on the cup, please?

0:32:490:32:53

Ladies and gentlemen, the inaugural champion, Greg Davies, 'the Dark Destroyer of Buffets'!

0:32:530:32:59

What a short-lived victory that turned out to be!

0:33:090:33:13

Janet, do you have an answer on what is the easiest Olympic event to win?

0:33:130:33:16

OK, according to leading sport scientist, Dr Peter Davis,

0:33:160:33:20

although there are no easy Olympic sports,

0:33:200:33:22

the easy one to win a medal in is shooting.

0:33:220:33:26

His research took into account numerous athletic factors,

0:33:260:33:29

such as endurance, speed and physical durability.

0:33:290:33:34

I will take that as an answer.

0:33:340:33:37

-HEAVENLY CHORUS

-Thank you.

0:33:370:33:40

That's pretty much it for tonight.

0:33:400:33:43

People of Britain, if you've got a question, tweet...

0:33:430:33:47

Thanks to Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen,

0:33:470:33:49

Andrew Lawrence, Greg Davies and Lloyd Langford!

0:33:490:33:55

And, of course, our authenticator, Janet Street-Porter!

0:33:550:33:58

I'm Rhod Gilbert, you can ask me literally anything. Goodnight.

0:33:580:34:02

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:34:040:34:08

E-mail subtitling[email protected]

0:34:080:34:12

Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS