Episode 8 Ask Rhod Gilbert

APPLAUSE

'Tonight on Ask Rhod Gilbert, our special guests are...

'He has more "L"s in his name than Lloyd...

'And five-star stand-up...

'They're here every week...

'Ladies and gentlemen, Ask Rhod Gilbert.'

APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome. My name is Rhod Gilbert.

My job is to find the answers to the questions that keep us awake at night.

Questions such as,

"Why is breakfast in bed considered such a luxury?"

Having a meal in your bed is no more a treat than going to the toilet on your own sofa.

Personally, I don't want to eat in the place where I sleep. I'm not a bear.

Houses are split into rooms for a reason.

If they weren't, Cluedo would be a pretty pointless game.

"We all saw who done it. It was Professor Plum

"in the open-plan living-room area with a fold-away bed."

I don't see what's so sexy about bits of food in the bed, anyway.

I've never considered a dustbuster to be a sex toy.

LAUGHTER

I want to play Hide the Sausage, not Try and Find the Grilled Tomato.

Anyway, on with the show.

APPLAUSE

We need someone with credibility to help us find the answers to our questions.

As always, we begin by asking, who is tonight's authenticator?

She'll need all the vim and vigour she showed as a pioneer of exciting youth TV programming...

..all the gumption it took to edit The Independent on Sunday...

..and all the guts and determination she needed to come fourth on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.

That's right, tonight's authenticator is super-savvy media guru, Janet Street-Porter.

# Oh, here she comes

# Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up

# Whoa, here she comes

# She's a maneater

# Whoa, here she comes #

Janet, thanks for coming.

-Do I have to wear my glasses for the rest of the show?

-If you want.

It won't throw me if you take them off. I won't think, "Is she still going to be able to talk?"

-Do you want me to wear my pants for the whole show?

-Yes.

-I'll let you into a secret. I've got on last week's pants.

-Are you economising?

We've been staying in hotels for the last four weeks and I forgot to put a wash on.

-Can I give you a tip?

-I had to go back into my laundry bag.

Get shower gel, put them in the bath and jump up and down. Imagine you're making wine.

It's not quite like making wine - jumping up and down on your pants.

How will you be helping us?

I'll provide you and the panel with the information you need to answer tonight's questions.

Thank you very much. When I think we have an answer, I will do this...

HEAVENLY CHORUS

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-You're looking quite tanned, Laurence.

-Thank you very much.

Is that natural? Is that because of all the manual labour you've been doing recently?

Have you been digging up roads again?

I've been creosoting the fence and it just sort of over-sprayed.

-You don't creosote your own fence.

-No, of course I don't! Although, it's cheaper than fake tan.

Andrew, what have you learnt this week? Anything exciting?

Erm, I've just got back from doing some gigs in India.

I tell you what I found out. Top-selling beauty product - skin-lightening cream.

Cream to make your skin paler. How racist is that?

I thought, "I've got to give that a try!" I may have overdone it.

I don't know what the family are going to say when I go back to Trinidad.

Let's find out who wants to know what.

Who have we got tonight?

David... I was going to say, "I get you two mixed up."

-That's not what I meant.

-LAUGHTER

That's lovely of you.

-You know what I mean!

-He's a fine-looking man.

-He is!

-He

-was

-a fine-looking man.

It looks like that photo was taken as he was being hit by a car.

We'll show you the next one. It's tragic!

Who's next? Vladimir Putin.

Oh, David Walliams!

Well, I was going to do a sponsored Kim Jong-il impression, but it looks like you've beaten me to it.

APPLAUSE

Oh, Cliff Richard!

-Sir Cliff Richard now, isn't it?

-Yes.

-Am I right?

Do you think you'll get, you know, a knighthood?

-Don't want one.

-Do you not?

-No. What do I want with an honour for? I'm special, anyway.

I don't need somebody giving me a gong!

-All right, calm down.

-Shove it!

Would you want one, Laurence?

Yes, of course. I think, er...

-LAUGHTER

-What a foolish question!

Ooh! It's our first round, ladies and gentlemen. A Famous Face Asks.

Let's see who wants to know what. Oh, it's Robin Gibb of the Bee Gees. What would he like to know?

Hi, Rhod. As I'm sure you know, not only am I an international popstar,

and I wouldn't have it any other way,

but I was also the first man to set foot on the moon.

So what I want to know is,

how many times a day does the average person lie?

How many times does the average person lie?

-Are you a liar?

-I'm genetically programmed to lie.

-I inherited it from -

-As a woman, you mean?

No! AUDIENCE: Ooh!

I think that was a sad, sad thing that I'll just ignore that.

I'm programmed to lie because both my parents were liars.

They told me they were married, and I discovered they weren't

and I was born out of wedlock.

You bastard!

-Are you a liar, Laurence?

-When you get that difficult moment

when your beloved wife asks you if her bottom looks big in something,

that is not when you tell the truth.

Has she got a fat arse, your missus?

-I told my niece recently that the picture she'd done of me was really good.

-There we are.

It was absolutely rubbish! Absolutely rubbish. It could've been a lorry.

-I can understand that!

-But, to be fair, you are quite...

My nephew was asking me about the Tooth Fairy,

and I said there's also the Finger Fairy.

If you sleep with your hand under the pillow,

it'll take one of your fingers.

-Why did you tell him that?

-Just to amuse myself.

-Did it work?

-Yes, he hasn't slept since.

Let's have a fact, please, Janet, about lying.

The top lie for a man is, "I didn't have that much to drink."

The top lie for a woman is,

"Nothing's wrong, I'm fine."

See, that's not even a lie! A lie is meant to deceive.

-Women aren't trying to deceive, they're trying to lure you in.

-They're sending a message.

That's a statement. For goodness sake!

They're not lying. That's not a woman's lie.

Women lie every time they put on makeup.

-That is an interesting one.

-You're not getting away with that!

Wonderbras, that's a lie. Makeup, wigs... It's all lies.

They have those man things now you can get

that hold all your moobs in and pull up your bits.

Can you, Greg?

Have you got another fact for us?

"Fact - your nose swells up like Pinocchio when you lie.

"Erectile tissues in your nose fill up with blood.

"This is why some people scratch their noses when they're lying."

-That is a tell. That is a leak, a tell, a physical leak.

-Yes.

I've never seen it particularly swell. Have you noticed that?

You've seen it physically get bigger, Lloyd?

No, I agree with Janet.

If you think of famous liars, a lot of them have big noses.

Like, erm... Like she said, Pinocchio. Er...

-Yes, and all those other famous liars!

-Wait!

-Barry Manilow.

-How is Barry Manilow a liar?

One of his songs is called "I Write the Songs"

and it was written by a guy called Bruce Johnston.

D'you know like with lying generally,

if I said to you,

-"Would you take a million quid -"

-Yes.

-"..a one-off fee..."

-Definitely.

"..a one-off fee of £1 million if you could never lie again",

and there was some kind of sign, so if you lied,

a buzzer would go off and your nose would flash, would you take it?

-A one-off fee, Laurence, never to lie again.

-Goodness, no.

Lying's far too much fun. It would have to be a lot more than £1 million.

I'm not sure if this is a reflection of your attitude to lying or just how much money you've got.

It could go either way.

-Andrew, would you?

-Yes.

-Would you?

-£1 million is quite useful.

But you'd have this thing on your head, flashing every time you told a lie.

Do you know what I would do with the million? I'd buy a hat.

LAUGHTER

Let's have another fact.

"Modern technology can make it harder to lie.

"One woman caught her husband cheating on her

"when she saw his car parked outside her friend's house on Google Street View

"when he was supposed to be away on business."

-Do you worry about CCTV and Google Earth?

-I hate it.

I don't worry about it.

If you haven't got anything to hide, you've nothing to worry about.

It's interesting you say that, because we've got a picture of you

somewhere where I'm not sure you were supposed to be.

LAUGHTER

That was you coming out of, clearly, the ladies' toilet.

Anyone could do that. It's a simple, honest mistake.

-Anyone else done that?

-I'd probably hold it in rather than use a ladies,

but I have used disabled toilets if the men's are out of order.

I used it in a service station. I came out and the man working there was stood waiting for me.

He said, "Those toilets are for the disabled." I said, "I am." He said, "What's your disability?"

He said, "I have extremely poor hand-eye coordination."

"That's not a disability." I said, "Tell me that after you've seen how much piss I've left on the floor."

You're saying, Lloyd, that that was just an error, was it?

-An honest mistake.

-Really? Let's have a look.

Oh!

And again.

-I don't know what you're laughing at, Greg.

-What?!

That's a Chinese all-you-can-eat buffet.

-I'm entitled to have a little lunch.

-You are.

12.21. Back in.

And then he comes out. 12.35.

12.44.

You can't get away with anything!

I read somewhere that you lied to one of your husbands

and then ended up locked in the boot of somebody's car.

It was shocking! It was husband number...three.

I was making a TV show up in Carlisle

and I said I couldn't come home for the weekend because I was working,

and then I secretly flew down to London to...

I was having a dirty weekend with a rock guitarist.

We went somewhere for dinner. I walked in and there was my husband sitting in the restaurant.

And that's when I turned and ran and got in the car boot.

-Why did you get in the boot?

-I panicked!

Look at me! I'm over six foot.

I couldn't stand on a street corner and pretend I was a lamppost, could I?!

Ever been caught lying, Lloyd?

-I've been caught out.

-Have you?

When I was young, I went round my next-door neighbour's

and he had a collection of Star Wars figures I was very envious of.

And he went to leave the room to use the toilet,

I tucked my trousers into my socks and filled my trousers with his Star Wars toys.

-How did you get caught out?

-I had a bloody Millennium Falcon down the back of my pants!

It was about this big!

Janet, are we any closer to getting any answer on how many times a day we lie?

According to Bella DePaulo, a social psychologist from the University of California,

"People lie once or twice a day

"or in one out of about every three conversations

"that last ten minutes or longer."

-I will take that as an answer.

-HEAVENLY CHORUS

So, Robin, you asked how many times a day does the average person lie

and the answer is one or two times a day.

The bigger the lie, the more believable it is.

At least, that's what The Saturdays told me, Greg and Lloyd in bed this morning.

I'm going to give that round to Andrew.

Next up, it's my quick-fire round, The Audience Asks.

I'll try and get through as many questions as I can before we hear this noise...

JANET: "Get on with it!"

You don't get the answer button. There's no time for that.

-You just get this bell.

-"DING" RESONATES

Who have we got first? Julie Sloan. Where are you, Julie? Hello.

-What's your question?

-If you could be any animal for a day, what would you be?

I'd be a zebra and I'd keep rolling myself over the self-service checkout.

BELL DINGS

Maeve Doherty. Where's Maeve Doherty?

-Hello.

-Hiya.

-What's your question?

-Why is it necessary to nail down a coffin lid?

-In case they drop the coffin?

-I think so.

If you drop the coffin, you don't want to see your relative go, "Buuuh!"

Maybe it's because dead people are buried with jewellery

and they're worried someone will break in and take it.

If you've gone as far as digging them up and getting the coffin out,

you're not going to go, "There's a couple of nails in that."

APPLAUSE

I think the answer is Greg's thing, to stop the body falling out.

-George Barnes. Where's George? Right up at the back. Hello.

-Hello.

-What's your question?

-Do Spanish people get sick when they drink their own water?

Have you got a story to tell?

-What happened to you when you drank the water?

-You don't want to know. Seriously!

He was 40 stone before he went to Spain.

The water in Spain is perfectly drinkable, isn't it?

-You have to drink bottled water.

-Not in public toilets!

-What happened?

-Well, I was desperate for a drink,

-so I just went into a public toilet and...

-Stuck your head down the pan?

..filled the sink up and went at it like a dog.

Never a good sentence in any context, that!

You lapped it?

I've got a big head, so I couldn't fit under the tap.

-And you lapped it like a dog?

-Next time you're in a public toilet,

rather than filling up a revolting sink and going at it like a dog,

why didn't you just do this...

Or are your hands too big to get in there, as well?

Sit down!

Who is next?

Oh! Maureen Breen!

Where are you, Maureen Breen?

-What would you like to know?

-Why do you say "cheese" when getting your photo taken?

You could actually...

It's because when you say "cheese", your face makes the look of a smile.

-It is.

-You can say any word with a double "E" in it,

so Maureen Breen would be perfect.

-BELL DINGS

-Very true! "Maureen Breen"!

That is true. "Maureen Breen"!

Er, Tracey Bell. Where are you? Hello, Tracey.

I would like to know, how hard would it be to eat

if God had put your mouth above your eyes?

Do you really want to know that, Tracey?

I tell you what would be really hard, it would be hard to do the train thing on kids.

"Here comes the train. Open wide!"

You'd have to go, "It's turned into a helicopter!"

If you were in a Chinese restaurant and you weren't very good at using chopsticks...

-It wouldn't be any different.

-You'd take a bloody eye out!

-BELL DINGS

-It'd be difficult with chopsticks.

Marie O'Brien, what's your question?

Since we own some of the banks, should we decide which uniforms the staff should wear?

Why do you want to choose what they wear?

-It's our chance to get some revenge on them.

-Revenge!

We want them to pay up, don't we?

Yes, but if you can have a laugh at them, as well, it's a bonus.

-You want to see them wear comedy outfits?

-Yes.

When you're asking for a mortgage and you've got a guy with a shoe on his head?

-Would that make you happy?

-"The Bank of Shoe".

Are you labouring under the misapprehension

the whole banking crisis was brought on by the bloke behind the desk in HSBC?

-Yes, I think it's a good idea...

-"Get on with it!"

Ohh!

That sound meant that we are out of time.

I'm going to award that round to...

-..Greg, because I thought he did very well.

-Eh?

So the Queen. We've never had a question from the Queen before.

-It's quite exciting.

-Try it.

Well, I did know that because I got a copy of it

from my good friend Rupert Murdoch.

I've got a copy of your email here. It says,

"Dear Philip, the Indian Ambassador is coming to dinner tomorrow, so best take your pictures down."

Brucie, Brucie, Brucie... I'm going to pass Brucie over for Wonder Woman.

Well, Wonder Woman, I have, but I think you're getting on a bit now.

I enjoyed watching you take on evil in the '70s,

but I don't want to spend two hours watching you fight the menopause.

APPLAUSE

I went to Elton John's 50th as Wonder Woman.

I had that whole outfit, with the little whippy thing, the big double wig.

But I hadn't realised it was just a pair of pants, basically.

What was Elton's 50th like? I never mix in these circles.

I wore these big platform soles, so I was taller even, about six-eight,

and all the men that I danced with were at crotch level. It was an unfortunate evening.

You should've told them to stand up.

Oh, look, it's our next round, The World Asks.

Let's see who wants to know what.

It's an Antarctic researcher. What would they like to know?

Hi, Rhod. Down here in Antarctica, we hear lots of unusual sounds,

which made me wonder, what's the most annoying noise?

I'd be well annoyed if I'd just lost my balloon.

They've just been on their own too long.

They've been stuck there for a couple of years,

they've heard a camera's coming, and he says, "I'll do the speaking" and his mate's gone,

"I'll let go of a balloon in the background!

"It'll be mental! It'll be mental!"

Can you see what you can find out, Janet, about the most annoying noise?

OK. What's this? Hang on!

It turns out that a poll by Sky Talk in 2007

voted the most annoying celebrity voice...

..as me! LAUGHTER

Second was Ruby Wax and then David Beckham.

How dare they? No taste.

Do you feel quite... Do you like it when that happens?

I can't hear my own voice, can I? It comes out of my head and it's out there!

-Can you hear your voice?

-I can hear my voice, yes.

I don't know what my voice sounds like.

Start talking and then go like that...

What do you find annoying, Greg?

The obvious thing, a baby's laugh... A baby's laugh?!

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

The sound of a baby enjoying itself!

-It grates on all of us!

-I hate their cry, though.

I've got two nieces, and they're lovely, but it's such an awful noise.

I'd do anything to shut them up when they start.

What you want to do is sellotape one of those party streamers to their mouth,

so every time they cry, it goes, "Buh-buh!

Do you not think that would be more annoying?

It's a bit of a party atmosphere.

Andrew, what noise do you find irritating?

It's all context, isn't it? Any noise, if I'm trying to sleep.

Like, if I'm on a long-haul flight,

I can never sleep and I resent people who can

to the extent that I'll wait three hours into the journey,

once everyone's had something to eat, they're having a sleep,

and I'll duck down and make this noise...

HE SCREECHES

All the babies on the plane hear me and they join in.

When I was a kid,

I developed the most annoying noise of all time.

I used to do trials with my sister to see how long she could stand it.

-What was it?

-I have to do it up close.

-All right.

-Let him.

-You can do it to me if you want.

-I bet you won't last for five seconds.

-I bet I will.

-Put a clock on this.

-Look straight ahead.

-I haven't got a clock.

Look straight ahead. Straight ahead.

HE MUMBLES

It's not the noise!

It's not the noise!

What do you find the most annoying noise?

-I hate when you go on the quiet coach on the train and people start talking.

-Yes.

I do this thing now, while they're on their phone, I go up and go,

"It's the quiet coach! Q-U-I-E-T!"

While we're on the subject, when you're on Virgin trains, was is this noise...?

"Muh-mep! Muh-mep! Muh-mep!"

Randomly, every 12 minutes, "Muh-mep!"

I'm just falling off... Yeah, Branson, I'm coming for you!

I'm just falling asleep. "Muh-mep! Muh-mep!"

I asked a guard once. I said, "What's that noise for?" He went...

What about the noise that, by law, they have to have on all vehicles when reversing?

It goes, "Vehicle reversing! Vehicle reversing!"

-"Muh-mep!

-Like you can't spot a lorry about to run you down!

You say that, but David Dickinson would've enjoyed it.

-Let's have another fact.

-OK.

Bagpipes are the Marmite of the music world, so here's an unusual take on them. Check this out.

HE PLAYS TRADITIONAL TUNE

It's all been downhill for Bob Hoskins since the BT adverts.

That is a goat bagpipe.

-Is it dead?

-ALL TALK AT ONCE

Stop it!

What, you think the bloody goat's still alive?

-It could be alive, couldn't it?

-How could it be alive?

My wife can play a spaniel just like that.

-So to speak!

-So to speak.

-The spaniel comes to no harm.

-She plays the spaniel!

-Blows down the nose. It's all terribly amusing.

-Down the nose!

-Exactly.

She turned him round pretty quickly when you came in the room!

-How dare you!

-APPLAUSE

-Are we any closer to an answer?

-I've got an answer.

-Go on.

According to Environmental Protection UK,

the noise from neighbours is the most annoying.

-That's the thing that most people in Britain find annoying.

-Noisy neighbours.

-I will take that as an answer.

-HEAVENLY CHORUS

Antarctic researcher asked, "what's the most annoying noise?" The answer is noisy neighbours.

I think one of the most disturbing noises is when you overhear animals making love.

Lloyd used to be kept up all night by a couple of foxes having sex,

until I cut his broadband off.

I'm going to award that round to... Lloyd.

We've got through nearly all our questions, but we have time for one more,

which is Our Special Guest Asks round.

Laurence, do you have a question for us?

I'd like to know, it's reasonably topical,

what is the easiest Olympic event to win a medal in?

-Can you see what you can find out for us, Janet?

-Yes.

-What would you do, Greg?

-Any kind of winter sport, really.

Anything that involves going down a hill without doing anything whatsoever.

-The luge?

-The luge springs to mind with me.

-You could literally put a walrus on a luge and push him down.

-Yes.

-And he'd probably do quite well.

-I've got some film of bobsleighs.

-Yes.

The bobsleigh looks like a dangerous sport in more ways than one, so check this out.

GERMAN COMMENTARY

-It's quite erotic, isn't it?

-They're British!

-It actually is a bit.

-It is!

-You know what that German commentary is?

-What?

"I went into their dressing room and I unpicked her costume.

"Hopefully, I'm going to get to see a nice big, ripe ass."

"Let's see if we can reap the reward!"

Where did that happen?

-Er...

-On a mountain.

I imagine it was the Winter Olympic in Split!

-LAUGHTER

-Well done!

-I'm surprised she's wearing a thong.

-I'm surprised she was!

-Was she worried about her VPL?

I don't know why I'm surprised. I suppose you want to carry as little weight as possible.

-Either that or -

-Suddenly you're an expert on women's underwear! This is fascinating!

-Are you surprised?

-Do you think women choose their underwear on the basis of what it weighs?

-The thong isn't -

-I don't like thongs.

-If I said, "What is she wearing?"

you wouldn't go for "thong".

Has she got a peephole bra at the top? I doubt it.

Andrew, what would you think you've got a best shot in?

Probably the trampoline. Not because I think I would have any chance,

just because if you've got to spend eight months doing something,

jumping up and down is quite fun.

How hard can a high jump be?

This lady gives it a try. Let's take a look.

Oh!

Oh, no! LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

-That's terrible.

-That is terrible.

To be fair, she could've taken her sunglasses off!

-That was why she didn't see it!

-That's awesome.

That was a textbook high jump. She just went too early.

-Janet, do you have a fact for us?

-This picture is of the bizarre sport of chess boxing,

which is a bit like the ultimate test of brains and brawn.

The winner will either beat his opponent by checkmate

or knockout.

-So they box and play chess.

-OK.

I think it's quite a good idea, combining sports.

I have, just to finish the show, I've come up with a combined sport myself.

-Have you, Rhod?

-I have.

Normally, we go to the lab, but this week,

we are going to the ring.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the main event!

It's fight night! It's the one they're calling the Feudio in the Studio,

that Brawl To End Them All, the Clash of the Tit Ends!

In the red corner,

after breaking four sets of industrial scales,

his weight's finally estimated at 900 pounds,

taking time out from fighting a losing battle against cholesterol,

a mad, bad Goliath, with no bottom, it's the Dark Destroyer of Buffets,

Greg Davies!

And in the blue corner, weighing in at 165 pounds,

from South Wales, the frozen-faced assassin,

he's the third-prettiest woman in Port Talbot,

Lloyd 'Ladyboy' Langford!

Ladies and gentlemen... Take the mic away and I will explain the rules

of the innovative sport you're about to see.

Think Gladiators meets The Only Way is Essex.

It's a combination of wrestling and male grooming.

Competitors must use one hand behind your back

and you have to remove as many hot-wax strips as you can from your opponent.

-Lloyd 'Ladyboy' Langford, are you ready?

-Yes.

-Greg 'The Destroyer of Buffets', are you ready?

-I'm so ready.

Ring the bell! And we're off.

Round one.

GREG SCREAMS

-They're lively!

-Go for the red! Get the red!

Stick it in the bucket. The old look-away-and-grab from Ladyboy.

SCREECHING

Get in, Langford!

Oh!

-WHISTLE

-Penalty.

Penalty against Lloyd for trying to pull Greg's leotard off. Please raise your arm.

ALL: Ooh!

You get to do it in a minute.

-Hold your arm up, Lloyd.

-GROANING

-Go.

-Quickly.

Never cross me, Langford!

GREG SCREAMS

Oh!

And waxle!

What's this?!

LAUGHTER

Awesome from the Ladyboy!

Lloyd's been training for this!

I was only told about it this afternoon!

Oh!

LLOYD SCREECHES

Get them in the bucket.

RHOD BHLOWS WHISTLE

Ring the bell! That is it!

-How many for Greg 'the Destroyer of Buffets'?

-Eight.

-Laurence, how many for Lloyd 'Ladyboy' Langford?

-Five.

The winner is Greg 'the Dark Destroyer of Buffets'!

-CHEERING

-Let's have you in for a photoshoot.

I'll go in the middle. You two kneel. Here's the trophy.

Could everybody get a hand on the cup, please?

Ladies and gentlemen, the inaugural champion, Greg Davies, 'the Dark Destroyer of Buffets'!

What a short-lived victory that turned out to be!

Janet, do you have an answer on what is the easiest Olympic event to win?

OK, according to leading sport scientist, Dr Peter Davis,

although there are no easy Olympic sports,

the easy one to win a medal in is shooting.

His research took into account numerous athletic factors,

such as endurance, speed and physical durability.

I will take that as an answer.

-HEAVENLY CHORUS

-Thank you.

That's pretty much it for tonight.

People of Britain, if you've got a question, tweet...

Thanks to Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen,

Andrew Lawrence, Greg Davies and Lloyd Langford!

And, of course, our authenticator, Janet Street-Porter!

I'm Rhod Gilbert, you can ask me literally anything. Goodnight.

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