Self Defence Bad Education

Listen, guys, concentrate. It's important you remember this.

Get ready. She's coming.

In three, two...

ALL: Oh, Captain, my Captain.

Guys. Come on.

-They do this every time I try and go to the loo.

-Staff room.

-It's a date.

-It's a staff meeting.

BELL RINGS

Oi, sir, man! You said you were going to help me down!

This programme contains adult humour.

I want your clothes, your books and your attention, please.

Mollinson, Mollinson. It's just a line from a film.

Now, it turns out I was wrong about the ban on religious symbols in schools.

That law applies to France only. My bad!

So, if any of the pupils want to reclaim their possessions,

I've got 13 crucifixes,

three skullcaps, and Samira Habsi's burqa.

Mr Habsi exploded.

Not like that.

Although, to apologise for my misreading of his faith,

I've sent him a bottle of wine and a hock of ham.

Fraser, can I raise something? I read this in Metro this morning.

Oh, my God! You read Metro? I read Metro, too. That is so weird.

It says there's this video game that kids are getting obsessed with.

Tokyo Sin SS - Dead Light District.

According to this,

the child plays a ninja who hunts down and murders Nazi prostitutes.

Is it free world or platform?

Kids are copying the moves,

beating each other up in the playground, doing karate.

-Bukkake?

-Karate.

You're so deaf.

Ban the game, kill the virus.

I agree with Isabelle.

Whilst we're at it, why don't we ban those wheelie shoes?

I smacked a boy on the head, he shot off down the corridor,

went straight through a plate glass window.

I no longer agree with Isabelle.

Other schools are tough on violence. Look at St Stephen's!

-They had a weapons amnesty.

-Re-to-the-wind.

-Someone call Shaggy and tell him it was me on the bathroom floor.

-Oh, Jesus wept!

If we want to find out why these kids are addicted to this game,

we need to bring up a vein, take a hit ourselves and see

if we can't help them kick the habit.

What? You're not seriously considering buying the game?

I think our budget can stretch to that.

Ooh, can it stretch to FIFA?

This is work, Alfie. When you're at home you can play whatever you want.

My husband and I play with Wee.

Oh, you're on Nintendo?

What's Nintendo?

Meeting adjourned.

Hey. So, about that amnesty thing.

I was thinking that we should do one of them here, me and you.

-What, at Abbey Grove? Do you think it's that bad, really?

-Yeah.

I keep you shielded from it but it's a jungle out there.

-OK, our kids have weapons?

-Yeah. Mitchell, Joe, Rem Dogg...

The boy in the wheelchair?

He's the worst. He's got, like,

spikes that he puts on his hub caps like in Ben-Hur.

Well, I do think an amnesty could be a good idea.

Ooh, I know.

-I could get our amnesty some press.

-Press?

-I've got a contact at the Observer.

-Ooh, the Observer?

The Watford Observer.

I used to hook up with a page three girl there.

The Watford Observer doesn't have a page three.

Well, her article about me was on page three.

-Why were you in the press?

-Broke my leg

playing human chess.

-Sorry, you broke your leg...

-So, the amnesty, we're going to need a venue.

-Now I was thinking...

-Canteen?

Nando's. A little wing roulette.

Two sides, macho peas, the rice.

Maybe a movie afterwards to celebrate?

I'll see if the canteen's free.

Suit yourself.

Hey, the press are going to love this, aren't they?

Little celebrity power couple, changing the world for the better.

Brangelina, Bennifer...

-..Rudy.

-Who's Rudy?

Richard and Judy.

I'll see you at lunch, Alfie. Please don't book Nando's.

I won't. I couldn't.

I've tried.

They don't take bookings.

Their chicken's first come, first served, baby.

Not my class.

OK, guys, there's something very important that I need you to do.

-Ooh, thanks.

-No problem. It's on the house.

Because that's what friends do, isn't it?

They buy things for each other.

You all look knackered.

Have you had another party that I wasn't invited to?

-They've all been playing Tokyo Sin.

-Yes, bruv, Tokyo Sin is dench!

Hang on, hands up if you've got this game.

Typical, Joe, the only one of my crew with a little bit of sense.

It's just that it's an 18 and my mum won't buy it for me.

If only I had an adult friend who owed me big time.

Sir, Tokyo Sin is just a craze.

You don't get crazes, though, do you, sir?

You're older than that condom you got in your wallet.

Sir didn't get crazes, cos he went to a posh boys school.

Too busy playing quidditch with David Cameron.

Right, I didn't go to Hogwarts.

And look, for the record, we had crazes too.

Yeah. Pogs.

Mmm, now there was a craze. Who remembers Pogs?

Pogs!

Oh, you missed out! Pogs were amazing.

You had these little cardboard discs, right,

and you piled them up into a tower,

and then with another cardboard disc you'd chuck it

at the pile of cardboard discs, and it...

I'm going to accept that Pogs has not aged well.

Stephen, no offence, but this game, is it your kind of thing?

Nazis in fishnets? It's just like Cabaret.

Chantelle, you're a girl...

Who meets guys on the online multiplayer. Look me up.

My name's Jailbait. All one word.

And I've got webcam.

Blocked.

-See? I'm the only one.

-You is missing out, fam.

Anyone done blitz kick yet, the finisher move?

You kick 'em in the head - whah - head explodes - boom -

brains everywhere!

Course I have, I got bare tekkers.

Yeah, but you play it on PC, don't ya? That shit is old.

Where'd you find it? Your nan's vadge?

Least my sister ain't lesbian.

-She ain't lesbian.

-She goes to university.

-And?

-Everybody knows university's for lesbos!

-Do one, Gran Turismo!

Oh, you two, stop flirting. When I was your age I had an N64.

And that had far better games on it than Tokyo Sin.

Zelda...

What you do in that? Dress up like a bender and play the flute?

It was an ocarina.

Oh, wow, an ocarina. Bet that helped you get the ladies.

Yeah, it did actually, Mitchell.

Maybe I should lend it to your sister.

Told!

Look, the point is, you're all very young and impressionable

and a game like this is dangerous because it is encouraging you to be violent.

That said, I am going to need you to get hold of some weapons -

bats, flick knives, chains.

Think outside the box. Bring anything you find into lunch.

Ow.

Yes, Mr. Habsi, I understand.

Shalom.

No, that's the other ones, isn't it?

Mazel tov? Hello?

Alfie!

Alfred the Great, son of Aethelwulf, and Osburga of Oslac, Thane of Wessex.

I see you've been on Wikipedia again.

Look, I thought everyone was over-reacting, but they're right.

All of my class are playing that game.

That's why I've been raping my brain.

It's "racking my brain."

-Is the Pope Hindu?

-No.

How do you stop a craze? Invent a craze to replace it.

-Do you?

-Right. Take a seat, dragon.

Dragon?

Next into the den is Fraser,

who wants investment for his ingenious crazes for kids.

First up, tattoos.

Tattoos?

They're a victimless crime and potentially educational!

The kids could get a map of the world, the periodic table,

or Picasso's Guernica.

Yeah. I suspect some of the parents might object.

-Say it, then.

-Say what?

-You've seen Dragons' Den.

-Fraser, we're not on Dragons' Den.

I'm not moving till you say it.

If I say it, will this all be over quicker?

I'm out.

-Craze two! Kids like animals, right?

-Yeah, I guess.

Franimals.

Animals made from fruit.

Behold, Orange-a-tang and his jungle wife, Apple-o-tamus.

Ooh-ooh-ooh, ha-ha-ha!

Are...

FRASER SNORTS

Right, I'm out. And I'm also leaving.

Zebranana?

FRASER WHINNIES

You need help.

Die, Nazi bitch!

-Blitz kick!

-Bullshit.

Oh, this is embarrassing.

It's turned Mollinson into even more of dribbling idiot.

Eat my fist, you ho!

ALARM BLARES

Erm, where's Rosie? Who are you?

I'm Ron. I'm assisting Rosie today.

Well, Ron. I think you'll find Rosie asked me to assist her.

So you can assist off.

Look, mate. I have to be here.

A licensed weapons expert must be present.

Well, mate, that is exactly why Rosie asked me to be present,

because I actually own a gun.

Yeah, don't get much more expert than that, do you?

-You own a gun?

-Yes, I own a gun, Ron.

It's a Glock.

I bought it off some Albanians in the pub.

They're always selling me black market shit - guns, drugs,

a snuff film.

Yeah, so, what heat you packing, Mr Weapons Expert?

-Standard issue pepper spray.

-Standard issue pepper spray!

What are you, an old woman?

I'm a police officer.

Right.

Good.

I'm sorry. I was lying.

I don't own a gun.

And the Albanians, they sold me, like, one DVD once.

And I didn't even watch it all the way through,

cos the quality was so poor.

Do you know what happens at the end of The Notebook?

So, you've met the sergeant.

Yeah, Ron. My buddy. I love the police.

Shoot first, ask questions later, right?

Have you got any weapons?

Not unless you've got a very small gun in your pocket?

It's not a gun, it's my cock, Ron.

Chantelle, what are you doing? Fingernails aren't weapons.

Try telling that to Linda Beale.

No-one wears Tulisa's scent on my turf.

-Milk?

-I'm lactose intolerant.

This one thought it was a funny idea to spike my soya latte.

-Mitchell made me do it.

-That's chemical warfare!

Yes, but it's not a weapon.

A trace of dairy and I go from Will Smith to Seal,

quicker than you can say, "Kiss from a rose."

ALARM BLARES

-What are you wearing?

-Ninja mask, innit?

Make them out of old T-shirts.

Take it off. What have you got to hand in?

Oh, here we go.

-This is your science homework.

-Knowledge is power, sir.

If I become a brilliant scientist,

I could destroy the whole world, in the flick of a switch.

The only thing you could contribute to science is your body.

Now, go away.

-Macaroni cheese? Get that plate away from me.

-Why, Glee?

I have an allergy. That plate could kill me.

That was a mistake.

Mac attack!

My face!

# Love remained a drug

# That's the high and not the pill

# But did you know that when it snows

# My eyes become large

# And the light that you shine can be seen... #

Consider yourself blitzed!

# Baby

# I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey

# Now that your rose is in bloom

-# A light hits the gloom on the grey... #

-Erm, excuse me. Excuse me.

How dare you use physical violence like this?

It's cowardly. Cowardly.

These ninja masks are totally against school rules.

So, off with their heads.

What are we going to do about the newspaper?

Oh, I was thinking we could appease them, give them a replacement story.

"Injured Human Chess Boy in Miracle Recovery."

I was thinking we ask them back and explain we're taking steps

to teach conflict resolution.

-Yeah. That might be a better idea.

-How do we yabba-dabba-do that?

I spoke to Ron. He's trained in self-defence.

Not that police doofus.

We could do a demonstration for the kids.

He's such an interesting guy. He was showing me some of his holds.

He's so strong, yet so soft at the same time.

-Sounds like a toilet roll.

-Preet!

There's a guy at my gym who teaches self-defence.

He'd be perfect. The kids would love him.

Fraser, were not having some random guy from your gym.

Alfie's right. Ron's more qualified.

But I mean, if you say this Preet guy's a professional...

I mean, he would probably be better than Sergeant Andrex.

OK. Miss G, You get on to the paper, I'll give my guy a tinkle.

How does that sound, yeah?

Samira, I am so sorry.

Oh, my God. Please don't tell your father.

'Violence is everywhere. So how do you protect yourself?

'This is Loretta, your typical all-American woman.

'She's standing outside a jazz club

-'but she's about to have a run-in with some jazz lovers.

-You all right, baby?'

'If your attacker tries to blind you, raise your hand

'up to the bridge of your nose to disable the gouge.

'Well done, Loretta.

'But next time, play it safe and stick to Country and Western.

'And where's Loretta now?

'She's watching some brothers shooting hoops in the Projects.

'If an attacker comes from behind,

'scrape down on their shin with the heel of your stiletto.

'Not this time, Germaine. Try slam dunking the funk after that.

'And remember, on November 8th...'

So, I would ignore all of that.

What you have to remember is, that video was made in a time

when people were...

racist.

-Then why did you show it to us?

-Because, Jing,

teachers live by an ancient code as old as time.

Which is?

If you're out of your depth, put on a video.

Look, what Stephen did in the canteen wasn't cool.

Well, it was. Grayson's a prick.

Agreed. But you can't lash out like that.

What if someone's giving you beef?

Turning the other cheek will always be the best policy.

Like Neville Chamberlain did with Hitler?

Why do you only ever remember history to prove me wrong?

Yes, Jing. And Tiananmen Square.

Look, what is the deadliest animal on the planet?

A tiger.

No, the human being. We're all biologically conditioned to fight.

The deadliest weapon on the planet is the human brain.

OK, so that Stewart Hawkins bloke.

He's the brainiest guy in the world, right?

Stephen Hawking. Yeah, but...

If he's so deadly, who'd win a fight between him and a tiger?

Well, the tiger, obviously.

-So he's not the deadliest.

-That's not the point.

What about him versus a shark?

-The shark.

-What, even on dry land?

No, I guess on dry land the shark would probably dry out.

I can't believe I'm even playing this game.

Look, there are plenty of animals that could kill Stephen Hawking.

-Like a badger?

-Yes, a badger probably would.

-How, though?

-I don't know.

Bite him, give him TB.

Mr Wickers, I'm just returning Stephen.

-Did you apologise to Grayson?

-I told him to swivel.

See, proof that everything can be resolved with words.

What about Israel and Palestine?

Oh, stop learning.

Mr Wickers, can I bum a dime of your time?

Jing, er...

Take over.

-Stay down.

-What the hell?

Cease and desist. Cease and desist.

All right, I desist. Please, just let me go.

-Classic!

-What the hell is going on?

Absolutely classic. Alfie, this is Preet from my gym.

Hi bro, pleasure. Preet Van Der Plessiss.

What is this?

This is your very own personal safety guru.

I like this moffie, Frase. Spunky.

-You putt from the rough, yah?

-What?

Do you take it in the karoo?

You're a biltong-er?

A kak-goofer?

No, I'm messing, bro.

No, no, I'm here to show your kids how to bring the fire to a brawl.

He means prevent a fight.

Or maybe paralyse a woman.

I told you, Alf. Preet changed my life.

Yah, Teach here may look like a scrawny sack of shit and bones

-but I've turned him into a cobra.

-Ssssss.

Yeah, well, having thought about it, I think my kids'll be fine.

Are they though, bro? If I cammoed up and broke into your class with a hunting knife,

would you take me down before I butchered a kiddie or two?

I'm messing, bro. No, no, no.

Fraser, is this man even allowed near children?

I mean, has he got a CRB check?

Alf, I've paid for Preet's time and he's serious bunce.

Would you at least consider it?

Is this one of these things where you ask me

-for permission for something that's definitely happening anyway?

-Yes.

Great, well I'll unload the van. You got crash mats?

-Crash mats?

-Yah, I need to show them how to deal with anything.

You're a filthy, dick-licking piece of bokke shit.

But I like you.

I really, really like you.

He always does that.

STUDENTS CHATTER

OK, listen up, you rag-tag pack of cocksuckers.

Right, OK. Can we reign in the homophobia a little in front of the children?

Yeah, keep your plug in, dick tickler!

So, personal safety. Who wants to know how to throw a one-inch punch?

-Yes, bruv.

-Obviously, we won't be doing that

as this class is about avoiding violent situations.

Now, all you need to win in a fight is...that.

-Head butts.

-Thinking!

Preet is going to help you identify the danger signs, aren't you, Preet?

-How to spot trouble.

-Yah, racial profiling.

It used to just be Blacks, now Asians are tricky too.

That's inappropriate. Um, shall we...

OK. Volunteers. Who wants to dance?

ALL: Me! Me! Me! Me!

-I will do it.

-Aw, sir...

OK, butt stuffer.

Here's your kit.

I'm not getting changed.

Fine.

Wheels, you're up.

OK, I'm going. I'm going.

SCREAMING FROM GAME

MORE SCREAMING

-Yah, that's better, puss.

-STUDENTS LAUGH

Now you're ready to play with Daddy.

Right. Um... Now, it is very important to remember

that we are not condoning violence.

What we are going to show you now is absolutely the last resort.

The choke hold.

And for some real fun, jab the windpipe.

Right, Podge, you're in the shower room.

This fudge-tunneller creeps in. Think quick, what you gonna do?

Er, turn the other cheek?

In the shower? No, bro, he wants that.

-You want to get him in his yam yams.

-Not my yam yams...

Please let go.

Get up, you prawn.

-No.

-I will!

Mitchell, remember what I said.

The mind is the strongest weapon that there is.

Wrong. Teach here has clearly never felt a riot baton.

-Why did you do that?

-TIA, bro. This is Africa.

It's not, it's Hertfordshire.

Next step. Stukkie, can I borrow your high heels?

No. Sir said to seek a peaceful solution.

And anyway, these are New Look.

Fine, we'll skip the full frontal and move straight to the Taser.

-THEY GASP

-What?

What?! Taser? No way!

No, no. Hey, pass me the Taser, bro, come on.

I'm gonna neutralise this cock-knocker.

He'll not be getting his tongue on my sugar.

-Stephen, no! Please, someone, help!

-But sir, you've been telling us not to!

I was wrong. A hundred percent, definitely wrong.

-Cease and desist!

-Joe!

Shit.

What?

He was a prick!

'Can we get a picture please, mate? This way. It's for The Observer.'

So, looks like our weapons amnesty worked out after all.

Yeah. What happened though?

Well, you know I'm a pacifist so when he started attacking me,

I set an example to all of the kids by non-violently

soaking up all of his negative energy.

Oh, wow. That's so great. That takes real strength...

-Then I tasered him.

-Oh. Thank God Ron was here.

'Sorry guys, can we get one of you two together, please?

'Over here, come on, chaps!'

-Oh! Picture.

-'Thank you very much. Lovely.'

CAMERA WHIRRS

SCREAMING ON GAME

SHE HISSES

Alfie? Look, I'm sorry.

-No. I've thought about what you said...

-So have I.

And I've broken every rule in the book,

but I didn't want you being left out.

-Alfie...

-Don't worry about it.

Well, no, it's not that.

It's just that Tokyo Sin isn't cool any more.

Ain't you heard, Grandad? It's all about Murder Blade.

Murder Blade? That sounds even worse.

Basically, you've got these little cardboard squares, then you pile 'em up,

then you throw more little cardboard squares at the little cardboard squares.

But...

That's just Pogs!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd