Football Match Bad Education

Yo, what's going down my... n-word?

-Shush, Fraser! You've ruined it.

-What the Harry Hill? Are you...?

-Conducting a seance? Yes. It's interactive learning.

-Hold yer Ouija boards,

because today is the biggest day in the school sporting calendar!

It's the big footie match against Middleton House.

Really? Here?

Yes, but you can understand that they're a little sensitive after last year -

16 of their state-of-the-art Mac Book Pros went missing.

17, actually.

I've just heard that the PE teacher's going to be unavailable for the game.

Slightly garbled message from him saying that he'll either be back by two or in two to five years.

Something to do with DNA evidence.

-And I fit into this how?

-I need someone to manage the team.

A chance to stand up to those posho bullies. Tell them you ain't going to be eating that biscuit no more.

Not this again. Why does everyone think I was bullied at Middleton?

-Your girly run.

-The way you throw.

-Your Facebook wall.

-I wasn't bullied, all right?

Come on, Alf. It's in the bag.

We're unbeatable this season. We're like the Invincible Arse-gunners.

-You know nothing about football, do you?

-No.

-Do you know anything about sport?

-I like the Red Arrows! Whoosh! So, whaddya say?

I guess I could. Right, pack this up.

But Sir, you promised we could talk to Hitler.

Well, it's not like he's going anywhere.

Yo! What's up team?

This sesh is all about you getting to know your new gaffer.

Yeah. The boss man.

The special one.

Il Classico.

Why are you calling us team?

Cos you're my guys, right, and I thought this match,

perfect opportunity for you to get involved in the big game.

Hang on, what happened to the actual football team?

Nothing.

So the last man has to be behind, and in front, erm,

if it's two of them it goes to deadlock and then it's done on public vote.

Yep. That, that's the offside rule in a nutshell.

I can't believe you were ostracised by the entire first team.

Ostracised. "Oh, my name's Joe and I use long words."

Hang about, ain't there a second team?

Yeah.

So this will be our celebration, right?

I call it the piri-piri jig.

Bwarch! Guys! bawrch!

Look, sometimes it's good to have a little re-jig of the team.

I mean, look at...

The Sugababes.

You know jack shit about football.

Well, Mitchell, if you came to my bedroom there is a certain

Goonersaurus duvet that would beg to differ.

Did you just invite me to your bedroom?

-I'll play.

-Great. You play?

-She's had one-on-ones with some of the game's big names.

-And a couple of two-on-ones.

-Who?

-A lady never breaks a super-injunction.

OK. Jing, you in?

Bring the team some of that unflappable Far Eastern work ethic.

It's not a national sport but there's that fella that plays for United.

-Yeah, that's his name, so...?

-Not in a million years.

Come on. One of you must want to play?

I'm pretty good at football.

Yeah, he is. He's just like Ashley Cole.

That's very sweet but don't be silly.

But we all know the only reason you want us to play this stupid game

is to get back at your old school for bullying ya.

Why does everyone assume that I would be a victim of bullies?

-Oi, dick wad!

-Hello, Grayson.

-What's my position?

-You... you want to play?

I'll play for this team all right, Downton, but only cos I want to hospitalize some toffs.

This doesn't mean we're mates, and I still think you're a piece.

Great, um, but, I thought you weren't allowed to play.

Yeah, well I'm back now, innit. Finished serving my ban.

Why were you banned?

Off the ball incident.

What was it? Two footed tackle?

-Arson.

-Right. Good.

See, that is exactly the kind of passion that I'm looking for.

I think I've found myself a skipper.

So, who else wants to join the revolution with me

and my buddy Frank?

You call me that again and I'll firebomb your shed.

Me and my colleague here, Mr Grayson.

We're going to get dicked on.

No-one?

Please, I'm desperate.

What have I got to do to convince you to play?

PHONE RINGS

ALFIE VOICEMAIL GREETING: "Hi, you're through to Alfie Wickers.

"Sorry I can't take your call right now

"but I'm busy cracking one out to Loose Women.

"No, not Vorderman or McLean.

"I am...

"stiffin' for McGiffin.

"Please leave a message after the tone."

All right then, deal.

OK right, time to hit the pitch. I want to see what you've got in your lockers.

-A flare gun and some porn.

-Not yours.

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Erm, you wanted to see me?

-Ah yes, Ms Gulliver.

Rosie. Do come in.

So, what's this about?

Ah, you know, just a natter really just to, you know,

how long's it been since we had a good girly catch up?

Erm...

for ever.

Yeah, yeah it does, it feels that way, doesn't it?

Yeah. So erm, how is your current sexual slash romantic partner?

Erm...

What am I like, eh, with the gossip?

No, now listen, I've been thinking about this for a while and I think

it's time that I do something that may shake you to the core.

But erm, how attractive do you think I am?

Look, I think you might have misread some signals.

No, it's just that you see, I heard that Middleton House

are looking for a new deputy head and I would really love that transfer.

Oh.

Erm, you look...

Handsome.

Oh, really?!

You're not just saying that. You know...? This...

it's not too much?

No, it's very...

subtle.

Right.

Gosh you know, we should, we should do this more often. Yep.

Menstruating much at the moment?

Please can I leave?

-So how's the old footie thing going?

-Oh, not great actually.

I think you should just call them up and tell them...

Way ahead of you, Alfen Hanson.

The pundit from MOTo'D?

We are not going to play them at football.

Phh, that's a relief because we are shit...

We are going to beat them psychologically.

We may not have the resources of St Poshington's,

but let's see how they like it when they come to face to face with our ghetto hell.

Safe, blood. Matron's ma bitch now.

GLASS SMASHES

Welcome to thug life.

# Yeah, yeah let's get down with the trumpets... #

So this match must be quite a big deal for you.

Chance to pay back those bullies.

I was quite popular at Middleton.

-Oh?

-They used to call me Scratchie. It was kind of like my DJ name.

I used to spin the tunes at the raves.

Raves? At Middleton House?

Well, the Hunt Ball.

Out of my way Wickers, thank you.

Any idea why Pickwell's come dressed as a trannie today?

She's job hunting. She's probably overdone it with her make-up,

and her suit.

And her dick.

Oh look, here they come.

-What?!

-Look at the state of it!

Swanning in like they own the place.

Although technically I think their trust does actually own the land.

What a Wickers!

Glad to see that one's er, stood the test of time.

Terribly sorry old chap, would you mind awfully throwing us that ball back?

Go on, old chap.

You don't think he was talking to you?

Why would he have been? All right!

OK, lazy.

What a Wickers!

Well, well, well, well, well. If it isn't Alfie Wickers.

-You spineless little tag-nut.

-Sir.

The vilest dingle-berry it was ever my misfortune to pluck.

-Remind me, what was it we used to call you?

-"Scratchie" wasn't it? Because...

Stress-induced Eczema.

He used to sit in class scratching himself like a junkie.

I can't wait to stick it to your bunch of benefit scrounging

gutter monkeys.

Now, who's the limp-dick in command here anyway?

-I am.

-Who is?

-Scratchie is.

-Scratchie is what?

Scratchie is the limp dick in charge of the benefit scrounging gutter monkeys. Sir.

What's that man's problem?

Basically, something happened between me and him

when I was in second year, but I'd rather not talk about it.

-Why not?

-Because it's embarrassing.

Because I'm a man.

Y'know I'd rather just keep it a secret.

Oh my God!

Oh Alfie, I'm so sorry.

That's so brave of you.

Well, it's really no biggie. Y'know, shit happens.

Was there no-one you could talk to about it?

Well, you know, I guess if I had really wanted to,

I could have gone to confession but...

-Confession?

-Yeah, Middleton House was Catholic.

Yeah, course it was.

Oh, Alfie. Poor thing.

Poor little thing.

Remember, whatever we wear, wherever we go,

yes means yes and no means no.

Cup of rosie lea, my old lover. Darjeeling. Two sugars.

I'm Head of Maths.

Good. Then you won't cock up the sugars, will you?

Everything OK?

It will be once Hopalong Haversham takes it up a gear with my tea.

You must be Mr Humpage.

Pickwell's the name. Deputy Head here, but you can call me Isobel.

Isobel? What was it before Isambard? Did you pick it yourself?

No, my parents chose it.

You're parents are supporting this? Are they liberals, are they?

May I take you on a small guided tour of...

Yes! What don't you show me round this spittoon of pig shit. There's a good lad.

I would be honoured. So um, tell me exactly what position do you hold at Middleton House.

High tutor of Sports and Grand Master of Dragon House.

Oh wow, that's very impressive.

Well, it's one below Supreme High Wizard.

Sounds a bit like the Ku Klux Klan.

Yes, we also wear the hoods. Nothing else but...

# Dressed, dressed

# Ya, listen, dress for the occasion

# And surrounded by a table full of patron

# Not enough to go round... #

Looks like those public school kids be bare bricking it, d'you get me.

Really?

# There's a name for people like me

# There's a name for people like me

# You can stereotype There's a name for people like me

# There's a name for people like me You can stereotype

# Yeah, people like me, there's a name for people like me... #

Unbelievable.

Here we have the jewel in our crown, our computer block. Ta dah!

Ooh, impressive!

Reminds me of the set up we used to have before the damn things went missing last year.

No doubt pilfered by some oik to help fund scratch cards

and popcorn chicken.

Oh, never mind. We soon replaced them - raffled off one of our Rembrandts.

Well, it must be very rewarding working at somewhere like Middleton House.

You know what I like about you "Isobel"?

You're a straight shooter.

-You wear your dick on your sleeve.

-No, it's just, it's just..

No, we could use a chap like you at our place,

especially since Watkins succumbed to the er, old teachers' curse.

-Oh, depression?

-Gout.

There's only so much fois gras a gentleman can take.

I'd be happy to put you forward for the job.

How's that tickle your knackers?

Oh, they are tickled.

You must know something.

Talk to me, Kammy.

'At which point Alan McInally let out a massive fart.

'Me and Charlie Nicholas were in fits.

'But Stelling, he never broke stride. What a professional!'

Unbelievable, Jeff.

Look, guys, it doesn't matter who they are,

or how much better they are than you.

When you get out there,

it's ten against ten,

and anything can happen.

You mean eleven.

Yeah, eleven.

It's eleven.

You can do it!

"You can do it!"

Owww.

You...

twat!

You pig.

We need to do a goal, guys.

-# Say eat my goal

-Eat my goal

# Looking for a saviour to save ya From a lack of knowledge

# This little fella won't get you through college

# No, no ask me about summer so Let everybody in the house say...

Cowardly.

Do a header!

# To play sport and to forget to call their mums on the telephone

# Use some bass, lower the tone

# Lower the tone Don't ask me cos me not know!

-# Say Ho

-ho

-# Say Ho wo

-Ho wo

-# Eat my goal... #

-Do a goal!

MAKES FLAT NOTE

This is rubbish.

GENERAL CHATTER

-What?

-What?

-I don't know.

It's just that it looked like you were going to say something...

I don't know, something deep.

To get us motivated for the second half.

There's a second half.

Oh my days.

I knew that.

Alfie, a word?

Look, this is ridiculous.

We're playing like, the school equivalent of Man United,

and one of my team is in a wheelchair.

He's not even the worst.

He's the only person in the first half to have won a header.

Look, Alfie.

It's understandable.

Seeing the man again can trigger suppressed emotions.

Honestly, I'm fine. I'm so over it.

It was so long ago. I was like fifteen.

Jesus. Look, Alfie,

I know you're traumatised but remember what I said,

it's not your fault.

Well, it kind of was.

No, Alfie. It's not. You're the victim.

Say it, "it's not my fault".

-It's not my fault

-Doesn't that feel better?

Not really. Look I've been thinking, can't I just throw in the towel?

No. This is more than the match now.

If you win this, you're not winning for you but all the people

who've had their voices taken away by beasts like Humpage.

Don't let him win.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

This game does mean a lot.

-You can do it!

-I can.

-Come on!

-I can do it, come on!

OK, people.

Do you want to know what Middleton House are saying about us right now?

Arseholes! >

They're also saying that we are just going to bend over and take it.

So they got my group text?

You know, I heard some of them saying

about one of you in particular,

who will remain nameless,

was so ugly,

pathetic and physically deformed,

that they should get a Pride of Britain award

just for not killing themselves.

Now are we really going to take that?

Or are we, for Joe's sake,

going to say no?

Let's show them. Quitting is out of the question.

When it gets tough,

we gotta fight some more.

We've gotta fight.

-Fight!

-Fight!

-Fight!

-Fight for this love!

-Yeah!

Ready your breakfasts, and eat hearty,

for tonight we dine in hell.

Let's get out there.

THIS IS SPARTA!

-Yeah!

-Go on!

Rem Dogg's injured.

Puncture.

Can I play second half, Sir?

All right Stephen. You're up!

This is the ball. OK?

Mitchell will pass you the ball

and then you kick it straight to Grayson.

Understand?

Goal!

Sprinkler.

Do the Sprinkler!

Come on, you tripstoppers!

Come on, Middleton.

Get in!

-What's the matter with you?

-You hoo!

What's the matter with you...?

The bloke in the wheelchair's faster than you lot!

# Get yer tits out, get yer tits out...!

Not now.

More goals.. Yes! Inflation!

OK, you want to play? You want to party?

Right, let's heat this party up, huh.

Oh ho yeah, Humpage.

I like to party, and I've been to far hotter parties than this.

In fact, I like to party in a sauna.

Yeah. And I've partied with far bigger men than you.

I can go all night long.

OK. Come on Middleton.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Come on, Abbey Grove.

Careful, Alfie.

Do him, Sir.

You stupid little quitting quitting quitter.

QU-IT-TER spells quitter!

Quit, quit, quit...

Wickers quitter. Quitter Wickers.

Wicker, Wicker, Wicker, Wicker. Quitter, quitter, quitter, quitter, quitter. All you do it quit.

You're only good for quitting. Quitter! You quitter!

AMBULANCE SIREN

Wickers, what have you done?

If you have harmed a hair on his beautiful body.

Wickers. Wickers, I know I've been harsh, boy,

but I only ever wanted the best for you.

You've finally got what you deserved, you pig!

Steady on.

You should be ashamed of yourself for what you put him through!

What I put him through? It was his fault.

How dare you say that. Of course it's not his fault. He's the victim.

Why do you keep calling me the victim?

Because you are, Alfie. Don't you see? Oh God.

Enough is enough. You've got to accept it. You are the victim of a rapist.

-What?

-Yes. That's right, you heard me. You are a rapist.

You raped poor Alfie.

What are you talking about?! No, I didn't.

Erm, Mr Humpage definitely didn't rape me.

-Where did you get that idea?

-Alfie, you said something went on in the second year.

Yeah. I quit his sports team.

And you were the most promising student I ever coached.

You could have gone pro.

When you threw it away it tore me up inside.

Hang on. You said you didn't want to talk about it

cos for a man it's embarrassing but there's nothing embarrassing about quitting the football team.

Erm, wait, er, what sport are we talking about here?

-Weight lifting.

-Irish dancing.

THEY ALL SNIGGER

You should have seen his soft shoe hornpipe.

We had such plans.

First, we'd take Broadway, then the world.

I mean, who else had ever thought of a show consisting entirely of Irish dancing?

The day you turned your back on dance was the day you shattered my dreams!

Ooh...

Oh gosh.

I'm sorry.

Right, get the ambulance.

My future job prospects could be dying here.

Do it for me, Alfie. One more time.

Before I go.

I couldn't, I can't.

I haven't warmed up.

I might pull something.

Go on, Alfie.

I can't wait to see this.

Sir, do it. Sir, do it.

Just one last time.

So, that's it really.

Don't know why I gave it up.

Gay!

Oh yeah. That's why.

Not bad, but it lacked a little panache. Let's go again.

-And that's the other.

-Match abandoned. It's a draw.