The Finale Bad Education

It's weird. When I first saw this uniform, I wept.

Hashtag, too blessed to be badly dressed.

Do you know what? I'm actually going to miss it.

Where did you get a shredder?

Fraser's office.

What did you do on your last day of school, sir?

You know, I don't actually remember.

You don't remember Boris Johnson

bumming you with the handle of your Quidditch broom?

Ah, Cleopatra. Who am I going to have next year to make wisecracks

about me getting sodomised at a fictional boarding school?

-Oh, don't be down, sir.

-I'm not, Chantelle.

We've got plenty of things to look forward to until the term ends

-and you all leave me forever.

-Like the last-ever class wars.

Exactly, Joe! It's going to be the best one yet -

Zombie Apocalypse.

ALL: Ooh!

-I've even sorted out an actual zombie to attack the class.

-How?

Told the librarian that we had a few overdue books in here.

(Then I stole her insulin.)

Urgh!

And we're not all leaving, sir. Jing'll be here next year.

Yeah, me and Jing.

Whoo!

We can still see each other, sir.

I mean, YOU still see YOUR teachers.

Yeah, course I do. This isn't the end.

No-one splits up this gang.

Who wants to be blood brothers?

A bit much, sir.

Sorry. It's just that we're all such good friends.

-Alfie!

-Frank!

Get off him!

Argh!

LAUGHTER

Oh, look. There you are.

Alfie, why have your class destroyed their uniforms?

There's, like, a week left of term.

I couldn't say no to them.

Well, you know they're late for their career seminar?

Just saying our goodbyes.

Quick hug from teach.

Everyone gets a spoon.

-Me next!

-Not you!

Last week, you sat a state-of-the-art,

three-dimensional aptitude test,

to ascertain what career suited your unique skill set.

Your answers were fed into a revolutionary new data-mining computer programme,

the most advanced careers-predicting technology on the planet.

Let's see the results.

Stephen, you are destined to become...

-COMPUTER:

-An archaeologist.

An archaeologist.

An archaeologist.

Computers don't lie, Chantelle.

The emotionally-crippled spinsters I'm automatically paired with

on Guardian Soulmates redefine harsh but fair.

An archaeologist.

An archaeologist.

An archaeologist.

An archaeologist.

A stuntman.

Right, well, he's not going to be a stuntman.

A stuntman. A stuntman.

-A stuntman. A stuntman.

-Er, it's a glitch.

I'm sure you're going to turn out to be...

A male escort.

Guys, guys, class selfie! Everyone in.

Give it!

Delete. Delete.

Delete.

Ooh, work. I look cute in that one.

OK, I'll send it to you all if you just give me your numbers.

-Do you want my Snapchat deets?

-100% definitely not.

Don't worry, I'll make a slide show.

Sir, do you want to be my date to the prom?

Or are you back with her?

Er, we're taking things slowly.

Office romances never work. It's a Cosmo no-no.

Maybe you're right.

I know we're meant for each other, but working together at school...

Sometimes it feels like she's just embarrassed by me.

Never let anyone make you hide who you really are, sir.

-That's why Stephen Carmichael is not going to the prom.

-What?

Hashtag, sorry not sorry.

-Howevs, he gave his wristband to Stephanie Fierce!

-Yes!

It's his female alter ego.

Ain't you worried people are going to pick on ya?

Haters gonna hate.

Haters gonna be drunk, lairy, and technically no longer at school.

They could be real dicks about it, Stephen.

sir, um, I've applied for a creative writing course in Paris.

What?

I want to be a writer and Tring isn't the most inspiring place.

But you can't all leave. Then I'll be on my own.

Grow a pair, yeah?

I know, Cleo, I'm sorry.

I just can't deal with this emotional shit.

I'm posh.

Where I come from, feelings are meant to be buried.

Or taken out years later on a horsey, secret-drinker wife

that my mother made me marry for her child-bearing hips.

But you'll have a whole new class next year, Alfie.

I don't want a new class.

I want you guys.

You're my kids.

ALL: Aw!

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Right, who's next in the careers hot seat?

Dad, I need a new job. I can't cope without my kids.

Right, how are you with ruins? Handy with a trowel?

Happy smuggling monuments out of Greece?

Dad, I'm not being an archaeologist.

Listen, losing your first class can be devastating,

but each new year brings a fresh start.

Thanks, Dad. That's good advice.

And look on the bright side,

I mean, parents get stuck with their kids for life.

Less strong.

Is this about Rosie?

Let me tell you a pertinent yarn.

HE HUFFS

In the '70s, two students met on summer jobs in the London Dungeons.

They fell in love, but the dream turned to a nightmare

when I found that I couldn't work under the spell

-of your mother's voracious sexual appetite.

-Oh, God!

Fortunately we were fired

when a visiting headmaster reported sightings

of a partially disrobed Mary, Queen of Scots

fellating Jack the Ripper

through the letter box of 10 Rillington Place.

Right.

Well, that is the single most harrowing 30 seconds of my life.

Fraser...

FRASER GIGGLING

Why?

I hid in the leavers' photos!

But they're individual portraits.

MUSIC: Left Bank Two by The Noveltones

Look, Fraser, if you promise not to go crazy,

then we can have a grown-up discussion...

about my P45.

But WHY?!

Alfie, I've just spoken to Martin.

You can't leave Abbey Grove.

You're a great teacher.

But I want to be a great boyfriend, Rosie.

You gave me a second chance, I'm not going to throw that away.

Hi, Rosie. I punched my reflection.

Alfred, I've had a quiet think about your moment of madness

and I'm willing to forgive you if you agree to stay on at Abbey Grove.

Goodbye, guys.

I see.

Would you excuse me?

Oh, God, you traitor!

Alfie, what will you do?

Rosie, I'm a young, self-motivated, highly-qualified professional.

Trust me. I'm going to be beating off the job offers with a shitty stick.

She says, "I think it's MDF."

And I'm like, "What are you going on about?

"You're going to need some primer."

And she says, "I think I need some paint." I'm like, "No, you don't.

"You need primer, you stupid tart."

Silly bint!

Yeah, what a dumb bitch.

Here's one you lads'll like. This geezer asks me

for the strength of a torch...

in candles!

HE SNORTS

Really thought that would illicit more of a titter.

-TANNOY:

-Staff call, spillage in the bathroom section.

Oh, that poor old dear thought one of the display toilets was real!

Who's the unlucky bastard that gets to clean that up?

Yeah, it's me, isn't it?

I'm the unlucky bastard.

By the way, let me know if you're up for a few jars after work.

Pencil you in as maybes.

Oh, my God,

the lads I work with are amazing.

Already planning a boys' weekend in Marbs.

And to think I became a teacher

because I struggle to form lasting friendships with people my own age.

Sorry, let me just go back a few steps. You're working in a...?

PlayStation game testing factory.

What kind of stuff do you do?

Well, I shouldn't really be telling you this

but we are developing a new button -

the hexagon!

Wow!

-Wait...

-But enough about me, what about you guys?

Stephen, you got a date yet?

None of the boys here can handle a real woman.

You've got to come to the prom, sir.

I can't. I don't work here anymore.

-FRASER:

-You're damn right!

Hello, Judas! I thought you'd be hanging from a tree by now.

What's it like at the PlayStation factory? No, Fraser. Stay strong.

I blocked you on Facebook. I think it's for the best.

Fraser, we weren't lovers.

Didn't want you getting Facebook envy of me

and my new best friend, Mr Heather.

This guy's banter is off the chain.

Do I have to wear this shirt? I'm getting a rash.

Me and my homeslice going to smoke bare sticky icky hand bongs

in these bad boys.

I can't smoke, I'm asthmatic.

Ooh, Kareem Abdul-Banter! Just slam dunked another basket, lol.

I miss you every day.

Damn it, Fraser.

Well, as you're no longer a member of staff

I must ask you to ALF Wiedersehen.

Bothered?

We have Subway for lunch every day at PlayStation HQ.

The land of milk and honey.

Will you think about coming to prom, Alfie?

Look, Joe, maybe it's best if we all move on.

-Are you crying?

-Hold your tongue, Phil.

Hey, guys! Did anyone order a maverick teacher

that's more like your best mate?

Coming right up.

Ooh, ooh, Christmas crackers...in June! Come on!

It'll be a laugh.

Hey! Hey, Frank. Did I ever tell you about my embarrassing tattoo?

Bit of ammunition there. Go on, have a swing.

Sorry, Miss, it's just not the same.

You got too much self esteem.

Turns out I need that bumbling, toffee-nosed wank stain

like day needs night.

Frank, that's so poetic.

I miss Mr Wickers too.

He's literally my Yang.

Guys, come on! Cheer up!

Oi, Sound Of Music, just put on a DVD and leave it, yeah?

What about class wars?

Keep talking.

Yeah, like one big, end-of-term, final battle extravaganza.

Would Alfie mind us doing it without him?

Babes, it's what he would have wanted.

Yeah, yeah! Now we're cooking with gas!

Yeah! How about the battle for women's rights in the workplace?

-Yeah!

-PUPILS GROAN

OK, everyone on the left, you can be, like...

young, independent women, and on the right you can be the establishment.

Boo!

IMITATES GUNSHOT

I don't think I'm very good at this irresponsible teacher thing.

Yo, Miss G! Here's the shopping list.

So much for equality in the workplace.

We're going to need BBQs, fairy lights and Chinese lanterns.

-What are you wearing?

-My DJ clobber.

Swedish House of Fraser.

I'm spinning tunes at the prom tonight. Any requests?

Any requests except the request that I don't DJ this evening?

Decking.

Claw hammer.

Cable ties.

Lime.

Oh, God!

Why don't these tills come with a panic button?

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

PHONE RINGS

Oh, sorry, do you mind if I get this? It's my girlfriend.

Women! Can't live with 'em.

OK. Bye!

How's the PlayStation factory?

Great!

The PS4 gang will be the death of me.

Old Billy, Joel, Ringo and...

..Sink.

Well, glad you're happy.

How are my kids? Have they forgotten about me already?

You're all they talk about.

Oh, you've got to come to the prom, Alf.

I'm in DIY Home Stores getting decorations now.

-You're in DIY Home Stores?

-Mm-hmm.

Um, you should leave, er, right now.

Why?

Because, erm, I heard that, er,

they use sweatshops. Yeah.

All their garden furniture is made by children.

So you should get out of there

before you have kids' blood on your hands.

Alfie?

Hey!

Surprise!

What are you doing?

Er, just, er... Just trying out this bath. Very spacious.

Why are you wearing that apron?

You mean, er, this old friend?

I've always had this.

All right. Busted!

I'm actually trying to blag a staff discount, so ssh!

-Oh!

-Hence...

Right, it just... It looks like you could, sort of, maybe, work here.

What, me? Work here? Don't be ridiculous.

Oi, Dickers.

Fella over there said you just walked away and stopped serving him.

Sorry, mate. I think you might have me mistaken for somebody else.

Nah, definitely you who served him. He said it was a posh twat

who looked like a chubby ostrich with a plum stuck up his arse.

(Wow!)

-You all right, Miss?

-Mm.

Still would.

Thank you, Dean. Charming as ever.

And nice to see that DIY Home Stores

stock a wide variety of massive spanners.

Yeah, you love it!

Sorry, you know Dean?

Dean Grayson. He's Grayson's brother. I taught him years ago.

And suddenly everything makes sense.

Why didn't you tell me the truth?

I was going to apply to other schools,

but I knew it would just be the same heartbreak at the end of it.

Whatever you do, whatever your job is,

I don't care.

And I don't care because...

Please, just come back to Abbey Grove.

I can't.

Anyway, I love my job here.

-TANNOY:

-Alfie Wickers, Alfie Wickers, Code Brown in bathroomware.

Doris!

-I've got to go.

-Why?

A geriatric lady thinks she's about to soil a display toilet.

Not on my watch!

CART BEEPING

Hello, is that the manager?

Yes, I'd like to report an employee of yours. An Alfie Wickers.

What did he do? What did he do, indeed!

He fingered me in a summerhouse.

Hello? Oh, for fu...

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hi, Fraser.

Can I have your permission to take Form K on a fieldtrip?

Do what you want!

God, I am drinking these Kalibers like there's no tomorrow.

I'm the world's first no-alcohol alcoholic.

I'm basically just addicted to yeast.

Right, I'll leave you with that thought.

HE SNORES

Your move, Brown Baron.

Dean, if you're going to show me your balls in a paint tray again...

Guys! Rosie? What are you...?

We came for you, sir, and we're not leaving without you.

I didn't want you to see me like this.

sir, we know you don't want to teach at Abbey Grove anymore,

but you've got to come to the prom.

I just dunno if I can handle it, Chantelle.

But, Alfie, listen to what your class are telling you.

Look, I appreciate you coming down here.

Seeing you is the first time I've smiled in, like, a week.

But you've got to let me move on with my life.

I'm sorry.

But, sir, you won't even get to meet Stephanie Fierce.

Still going in drag?

Good on ya.

Who needs a date, right?

Oh, I've got a date.

I'm taking the only man strong enough to handle Stephanie.

-You look amazing!

-Thank you, Frank.

LAUGHTER

Um, why you come dressed as Odd Job?

Chantelle made me get a spray tan.

He's an Oompa Loompa!

Throw your hat at him, Joe.

Oh, come on, gang. Let's raise a glass

to absent friends.

ALL: To absent friends.

What are we thinking for the post-work session, then?

Head round my crib for a few tinnies?

Don't tell the missus.

Not that I give a shit, cos she's a bloody woman.

Ugh. Right, why is this not stopping?

Oh, you've cut the brake wires, haven't you? Very funny.

Guys, seriously!

Argh!

Come on, guys, huh! Hey, who wants to spike Fraser's Kaliber?

Or we could have a dance off and really lose our dignity.

Come on, everyone make a circle around me. Whoo! Yeah!

Yeah!

CHEERING

Yeah, we can still have fun. Yeah!

We can have a good time, yeah!

Er, Miss?

Alfie. You came!

So, did you quit DIY Home Stores, sir?

Yes, I did, Frank. But don't worry, I did it with dignity.

Doris, this has been the battle of a lifetime

and you a worthy adversary.

But now we must unite to destroy our common enemy.

This is Dean's motorcycle helmet.

Take it, Doris,

and do what you do best.

Drop it like it's hot, girl.

LAUGHTER

Let's get up and dance.

Oh, what do we have here?

Some total stranger's crashed the prom.

Go on, Heather. Destroy him with one of your quips.

Nice to see you, Alfie.

Boom! What time do you stop serving, Heather?

Fraser, I quit my job at DIY Home Stores.

Heather, you're fired! I knew you'd come back to me.

Things got out of control.

I got drunk on yeast and signed us up to the Baccalaureate

and I don't even know what that is.

Look, mate, you don't need to fire anyone.

I'm just here for the prom.

Alfie, they're playing Buble!

Tune!

# It's a new dawn It's a new day

# It's a new life...

# It's a new dawn

# It's a new day

# It's a new life

# It's a new life for me

# And I'm feeling...

# Good. #

It gives me great please-ure

to announce the prom king and queen of Abbey Grove 2014.

ALL: Ooh!

The votes are in and the prom king and queen are...

Grayson and Stephanie.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I would like to thank Scherzi for teaching me

that to be scher-mazing on the inside...

You know, we could make this work.

Us being a couple at Abbey Grove.

But I don't want to risk it not working.

I love you Rosie

and I love teaching,

but if I had to choose one,

I'd choose you.

But what if you don't have to choose?

APPLAUSE

Sir, it's the last song.

Can we go say goodbye to our classroom?

Go on! They need you.

Another beer, sir?

I better not. Don't want to set a bad example.

I think it's a little bit too late for that.

Go on, then.

sir, we wanted to give you something.

I know I've been dropping hints all term,

but you haven't bought me a hot tub, have you?

The best gifts aren't bought in a shop. They're home-made.

-Eh...

-We made you a slide show of photos.

Oh, God! It's not like the last slide show you made for me?

If it is, I will probably have to destroy it.

No. It's of all of us, here at school.

Thanks, guys. That means a lot.

Oi, what you doing?

Carving my initials, innit?

-This isn't prison, babe.

-I know!

But I used to think school was like prison. I've been to 12 now...

..and this is the first one I actually kinda like.

If you like it, you could stay.

Nice try, bruv!

Sir, you know if you stayed a teacher,

it would make it easier for us to come and visit you?

I just don't think I can, Stephen.

But you're the best teacher in the world, sir.

If I'm so good, then how come

my entire class are leaving after GCSEs?

I think on paper that constitutes a pretty crap teacher.

But school's not just about the tests and the exams and the grades.

Yeah, on paper, we've probably had a terrible education.

Our GCSE results are going to be rubbish.

Hey, we don't know that.

Yeah, I mean they're probably not going to be great.

But none of that makes you a bad teacher.

When I first came to this school, I sort of knew who I was,

deep down, but I was scared of being that person.

Stephanie?

No, Stephen! The boy who does the splits in the canteen!

The one-man Glee!

I'll sing it from the rooftops. I am Stephen Carmichael.

You made me not give a shit about this,

even though my mum bollocked you

when you made me play a tank in class wars.

It was the first time that I actually thought

having a chair was boss.

Why do you think I flirted with you, sir?

You're the first guy who actually liked me for who I was.

The flirting was just because

I didn't know how to handle being appreciated.

You don't realise it, Alfie, but you're that teacher.

The one who talks to us like we're adults.

The one who always helps us, no matter what.

You're the teacher that makes us feel good about ourselves

for things that other people don't even notice.

And...that's why you're the teacher we'll remember

for the rest of our lives.

And if you stopped being a teacher, then...

I'd feel guilty for all the kids

who never got to be taught by Alfie Wickers.

Thanks, Joe.

Thanks, all of you.

MOBILE PINGS

Got to go. Mum's here.

Bye, sir.

I never realised just how horrible that shade of yellow was.

Thanks, sir.

Safe, yeah?

Done now.

MOBILE PINGS

See ya later, sir.

# Oh, won't you stay with me?

# Cos you're all I need

# This ain't love

# It's clear to see

# But, darling, stay with me. #

HE SOBS

Bye.

Yo, Alfredo! New term, new threads.

Don't worry, this thing turns on a sixpence. I'm coming back for ya.

Shit!