Money Badults

This programme contains some strong language

# Always fooling around When we were young

# Time flies so fast When you're having fun

# Don't wanna get old

# I never wanna grow up. # CRASH

# LES MISERABLES SOUNDTRACK

SINGS ALONG # ...The right to be free

# Do you hear the people sing?

# Singing the songs of angry men... #

-CD PLAYER OFF

-Not any more, we don't.

Your singing is making me Tres Miserables.

Ben, you're on Community Quest!

All right!

Ah! "Go directly to the garden centre.

"Do not pass goat.

"Do not collect £208."

Do not pass goat?

Garden centre?

Propertyopoly?

Matthew, why don't you ever buy the real versions of board games?

You're just gutted I beat you at Munching, Munching Manatees.

We always have a board game marathon on a bank holiday weekend.

It's tradition.

MEN: Yay!

And I always listen to the Les Mis soundtrack. It's tradition.

MEN: Yay!

And I always get drunk.

It's an addiction.

MEN: Yay!

I'm just not sure that playing board games brings out your best side.

Shut up, you dick!

I'm about to rip off my best friend.

Ben, my drinky pal,

that tram station you own is worth £200.

I'm prepared to buy it from you for £200

and most of a can of strong cider.

Ben, don't do it. He's tricking you.

Absolutely!

Pure profit, sucker!

Ha! Now I own all the tram stations.

Who's the sucker now, sucker?

And if you don't like it then leave.

Only not buy tram, because I own all the trams!

Well, it's a good thing I'm walking home, then.

But, Rachel, we've only been playing for three hours. It's about to get really interesting.

Yeah! Did you not hear?

I own all the trams.

(SNIFFS) What is that smell?

It's the new fragrance I've created.

It smells like... (SNIFFS) ...mouldy chops.

It is!

(HUSKY VOICE) It's not a journey.

Mystery shrouds love.

Love conquers secrets.

Scissors beats paper.

Mouldy Chops No. 1...

from Abattoir!

I'm definitely going.

We've got a big bank holiday planned.

Andrew's work is taking us on a murder-mystery weekend.

It's period.

Gross!

Murder-mystery weekend? Why bother,

when you can stay here and play Do You Have Any Clue Who Got Murdered

With What By Whom In What Room In The Big House?

I actually want to go.

A weekend away with Andrew,

fancy dress,

four-poster beds,

fantasy scenarios -

it's gonna be...

fun!

It'll be bullshit.

Well said, Ben. That's what it'll be.

A big bull taking a big shit

in a big mansion

already full of bullshit.

Sounds to me like somebody's jealous.

Why would I be jealous?

I own all the trams!

Come on, Ben.

I've told you a million times - you don't catch a cold from being cold.

Can't be too careful.

I've already got a scratchy throat.

That's another thing.

Scratchy throat! It's not a scratchy throat. You've not scratched it.

-Aw, leave it, Matthew.

-It's bad science.

Look, now Rachel's gone, we can't play Propertyopoly.

I propose we play that knock-off version of Twister.

I am not playing Fister with you.

I'm up for it.

But I'm gonna need more beers. Have we got any money?

Don't worry, Ben. I've got a £500 note.

Real money, Tom. Sorry, Ben, I'm skint.

We'll just get some money out the joint account?

TOM AND MATTHEW: The joint account?

-But that's strictly for rent and bills.

-And schemes.

-We never withdraw from the joint account.

-Come on, dude.

It is a bank holiday weekend.

Hoo-hoo!

OK. "Enter PIN". Ready?

BEEP

BEEP

BEEP

And the final digit?

- ALL: Three! BEEP

Right, how much are we gonna take out?

-A fiver.

-That's not enough.

We're gonna need a bigger float.

50, then.

-That's too much.

-What are you talking about?

-MACHINE BEEPS REPEATEDLY

-I'll do it.

-I'll sort it out.

-No, there's nothing wrong...

MACHINE BEEPS WILDLY

BEEPING CONTINUES

NORMAL BEEP

What does the advice slip say?

It says we should stop being friends.

Give it here.

(SHOUTS) £5,000?!

(SOFTLY) Unauthorised withdrawal. There's five grand here!

We're rich!

We're not rich. This money isn't ours. We've got to put it back immediately.

I'll push it back in.

That's not how cashpoints work, Ben.

Nor's this usually, Matthew.

Five grand!

That's nearly six grand!

Well, well, well. Let's see how this situation evolves.

Evolves?

You know? Cos I'm Charles Darwin.

Theory of evolution?

No?

(SIGHS) Google me.

In fact, hashtag Charles Darwin.

Let's get me trending!

FAST-PACED MUSIC

MUSIC ENDS

This is a disaster.

First chance, it's going back.

Absolutely. Good plan.

Before it does go back, can I borrow maybe, say...

all of it?

What for?

Launching your own fragrance is an expensive business.

(HUSKY VOICE) I'm not gonna be the person you want me to be any more.

I'm gonna smell like chops!

No! (GASPS) Overdraft fees, late fines... I'm gonna be sick.

Calm down, Matthew. We'll just take it back tomorrow.

But it's a bank holiday, and you know what that means!

Board game marathon!

Drink!

And music!

# LES MISERABLES SOUNDTRACK

No! CD PLAYER OFF

The bank holiday means we can't give this back until Tuesday,

so until then, we cannot afford to spend a penny of this money.

Whenever we get involved with money,

it always leads to trouble.

My servants, I have returned.

I entrusted you each with a share of my money.

I call upon you

to reveal the outcome of my investment.

Master, I put your money to work.

I bought, I sold, I invested.

I can return it to you twofold.

Commendable work, my servant.

Master, I buried your money in the ground.

I can return it to you.

I'm disappointed in you...

but you shall live.

Master!

I didn't realise we had to give it back.

Sorry?

TING

Hang on, that didn't happen to us.

No, I think that's from the Bible.

We must have flashed back too far.

Let's get some rest.

We'll sort this out in the morning.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-Where are you going?

-I'm gonna keep the money in my room, make sure no-one touches it.

But if it's in your room then you could touch it.

I won't be touching it.

No, cos we're gonna be there to make sure you're not touching it.

Can't I just go to my room and...touch it?

All right, change of plan.

We're all gonna stay here in the front room with the money.

You guys get some sleep. I'll keep first watch.

Brilliant.

And call my bookie.

Ben, don't fall asleep! That's exactly what he wants.

Ow.

It's exactly what I want too.

All three of us must stay awake for the entire night.

All night?

But we've not done that since...

I know.

Last Wednesday.

Late-night BBC Two is incredible.

That little sign language lady is so fit.

Oh, so fit.

The stuff she can do with her hands.

If I could spend just one night with her,

I'd put her hands down my pants

and just start talking.

Oh, yeah!

DOORBELL RINGS

Who's that?

-I ordered takeaway.

-When?

During the flashback.

If we're gonna be staying up all night

making sure no-one spends this money,

we're gonna need some food.

Some food?

Ben, there's tons!

Leaning Tower of Pizza.

This must have cost a fortune.

I am so... (MUFFLED) ...angry!

Ben, we're supposed to not be spending money.

Well, you know the old expression...

You've gotta spend money to not spend money.

That's not an expression.

We need to invest.

Every minute that this cash is out of the account, it's losing interest.

I know how it feels.

Good one, Ben. Pop it in the book.

Another classic slam.

What I'm saying is, we should take this money and float it.

I'll run the bath.

Ah...

On the stock market.

Look, now is not the time to think about investing.

All right, well, let's talk about it in the morning, when we'll have nice, clear heads

after a long night of black coffee and not sleeping.

COCK CROWS

CAFETIERE CLATTERS

COCK SQUAWKS

Dow Jones! NASDAQ!

Kumquat!

We're buzzing!

CLICKS HIS FINGERS

One more time. We buy low!

We sell high!

We feel low!

We get high!

Ben, what about the FTSE 100?

Here's a list of 100 people I've played footsie with.

Matthew, the bond valuation?

Brosnan!

And finally, the Stock Exchange!

-I've got beef.

-I've got chicken.

I've got veg.

It's all gravy!

Now, let's hit the City where it hurts.

Of course the Stock Exchange was closed. (SIGHS)

It's a bank holiday.

I just wish we'd realised before we bought these suits.

Not to mention a visit to that strip club.

You have to unwind after a hard day in the City.

I just can't believe I didn't make more in tips.

I gave those punters my best moves.

The money's nearly gone.

Worry not, shareholders.

Thanks to a little flutter I've taken,

we've not yet reached the last chance saloon.

TV: We're on the home straight, and Last Chance Saloon

is working his way through the field.

ALL SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT

Last Chance Saloon wins!

ALL CHEER

A very happy day for anyone who bet on Last Chance Saloon.

Ahh. I wish I'd bet on Last Chance Saloon.

Hey, but don't worry.

Our horse could still place.

My bookie, Aggressive Gary, said he was a sure-fire winner.

All the horses are safely over the finish line,

all except for Sure-Fire Winner,

who has been shot.

Oh.

'And it's the first time in all my years in the sport'

'that I've ever seen a horse shoot himself.'

Well, maybe Aggressive Gary will give you a bit of time

-before you have to pay him back.

-BANGING ON DOOR

PANTS

Do you know what?

He's a lot less aggressive than his name suggests.

BANGING ON DOOR

Still, he's nicer than my bookie -

Passive-Aggressive Gary.

That last text he sent me really cut me to the quick.

There's gonna be no more spending.

We're gonna look after what's left of this money the old-fashioned way.

Bury it in the ground.

That way, no matter what happens,

we can stop spending money like water.

Whoo!

Emergency plumbers are pricey.

Still, it was good of him to come out on a bank holiday weekend.

I even tipped him a free bottle of Mouldy Chops.

This has been a terrible day.

How much money do we have left?

£100.

Is that all?

Well, this money-counting machine cost 500.

How can we only have £100?

If that five grand's not back in our account by Tuesday, we're screwed.

We'll earn it back. We're entrepreneurs.

Yeah.

Bank holiday's not over yet.

There's still one day more.

MUSIC STARTS

D'you know what, guys?

You're right.

# One day more

# Another day, another destiny

# This never-ending road to Calvary

# These men who seem to know my crime

# Will surely come a second time one day more

# I did not live until today

# How can I live when we are parted?

# One day more

# Tomorrow you'll be worlds away

ALL: # And yet with you my world has started

ALL: # One more day all on my own... #

PHONE RINGS The phone.

You'd better get it.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Rachel. Can we borrow five grand?

What?!

Nothing. How's the murder-mystery weekend?

It's bullshit, Matthew.

I've been given the role of scullery maid,

and they've actually made me peel spuds and scrub floors.

(SIGHS) You guys were right.

Just a bunch of people in shit costumes, asking shit questions,

and I'm in a shit single room away from my boyfriend

because he is lord of the shitting manor.

I'm all by my shitting self

and at midnight, I've got to serve shitting cocktails

and guess who's shitting done it!

Is Rachel enjoying herself?

Hard to tell.

Tell her the chauffeur did it.

Yep, it's usually the chauffeur.

The guys on the sofa reckon it's the chauffeur.

Oh, I'd love that.

He's this horrible guy from Andrew's IT department.

Kept making pervy comments

about getting me in the back of his Roller.

Oh, I hope he did it and I hope they shitting hang him.

To top it all off, this mansion is freezing,

I feel like I'm getting a cold.

I've got a really scratchy throat.

Rachel, that's bad science. It's...

LINE CLICKS THEN DIALLING TONE

She's gone.

I'm tired. How late is it?

Ooh. Pretty late.

Let's get some rest.

Tomorrow we'll use our business brains.

Nighty-night.

Hey.

What time do you clock off?

Fair enough.

TomMatthewBen?

And BenTomMatthew?

Well, we've reached a stalemate on the company name...

but we're all agreed on the company logo.

An eagle fucking the world.

Now we need to find a way...

to turn this £100 into 5,000.

-Yes, Ben?

-How about...

we break for lunch?

We had lunch ten minutes ago.

Lunch 2: The Sequel.

Come on, guys. We need a clear, simple business idea.

-Yes, Ben?

-Lunch 3: Lunch Hard With A Vengeance.

Keep your ears peeled for a business opportunity

and grab it with both hands.

PHONE RINGS

Oh.

Oh, that's a shame.

That was the plumber.

Apparently, Mouldy Chops smelt so bad, he poured it down the sink.

BOTH: Oh.

Wait! There's more.

He said it unblocked his sink

faster than any sink unblocker he uses as a professional plumber

and he'd pay £10 a bottle for a bulk order.

He said all that in two seconds?

Must have been talking pretty quick.

Classic slam.

I guess I'd better take all 500 bottles and throw them away.

Right, back to the business plan.

We need to think of something that we have that other people might need or want...

Hmm...

How about we remarket Tom's fragrance as a sink unblocker

and make all our money back?

LAUGHS DERISIVELY

Don't think that's gonna work!

PHONE RINGS

Hello? MatthewTomBen Ltd.

You heard we've got a product that unblocks sinks?

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello, TomMatthewBen Incorporated!

Yes, we specialise in sink unblocker.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, BenTomMatthew plc. How powerful is our sink unblocker?

More powerful than an eagle fucking the world!

Well, that's the last batch of Mouldy Chops Sink Unblocker sold.

To Aggressive Gary of all people.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Still...

...we've got our five grand back.

ALL: Yay!

All we have to do now is make sure we look after it.

Fine.

We'll take this five grand and split it three ways, which is...

...a third each.

Deal?

BOTH: Deal.

We agreed to dividing the money.

Did we really have to divide the flat?

I can't trust either of you around my share of the money.

You two stay in your sections, I'll stay in mine.

What's the matter, Matthew? No chairs?

Well, you can always rent one off me for, say, £90.

£90 for a chair?! I'm not gonna stand for that!

That's exactly what you're gonna do.

Ben.

I'm looking to expand.

How about I buy...

that strip of floor for, say, mm...

£200...

...and some of a can of strong cider?

-Ben, don't do it, he's tricking you!

-Absolutely!

Pure profit, sucker!

Now I own the route to the kitchen.

That's not fair!

I'll grant you access, but it'll cost you, say...

£50 a pop.

CHUCKLES

MUSIC: "Got your money" by Old Dirty Bastard

LAUGHS MANIACALLY

(# Overture from "Les Miserables")

Ben, you don't have to do this. You could just let me go.

I can't, Matthew. I'm in debt to Tom.

I'm his slave now.

Look at what has become of our home, our land, our birthright.

But it doesn't have to be this way!

I'm appealing to you, the masses.

Masses? I've lost weight!

The workers.

You are definitely talking to the wrong guy.

Was Gandhi the wrong guy?

-No.

-Was Che Guevara the wrong guy?

-No!

-Was Mel Gibson the wrong guy?

Yes.

In Braveheart?

No!

Together we can rise up against the tyranny of Tom.

Together we can reclaim the flat.

We can throw off the shackles of our own servitude.

We must sing, we must fight, we must cry out,

"Liberte! Egalite! Fraternite!"

BOTH: "Bank holiday!"

FIREWORKS CRACKLE AND EXPLODE

Vive la revolution!

Bourgeois scum!

You peasants won't best me. I am the 1%!

EXPLOSIONS

Since this money came along you've changed.

We all changed.

I haven't changed in weeks.

Ben, grab the money.

Sir, yes, sir!

You know what to do!

Sir... Do I, sir?

We are here to fan the flames of revolution.

Sir, yes, sir!

BOTH: The money!

BOTH SCREAM AND SHOUT

You just set fire to five grand!

He started talking about flames!

The flames were a metaphor!

A meta for what?

You are a terrible slave.

And you bought all that food.

And that money counting machine!

Hold on, I'm supposed to be on my side!

You can't even argue properly!

And, FYI...

most of your slams, they aren't even classic!

That's...it!

ROARS

I understand we may have been a bit harsh on you, Ben.

And, to your credit, you have built a really impressive guillotine.

Any last words?

Yes!

"The slave begins by demanding justice

"and ends wanting to wear a crown."

Also, I may have shit myself.

Prepare to meet the man upstairs.

Oh, not the guy from Flat 19?!

No! I'm gonna kill you!

BOTH SCREAM

SCREAMS

Matthew?

Rachel!

Ugh, this always happens when you three play board games.

Listen, I have the most incredible news.

I was the only one who guessed the murderer,

so I won all the prize money. Ten grand!

Turns out, it was the chauffeur.

We told you.

Which is why I'm gonna give half of it to you.

We can pay back the money!

We're saved!

BOTH: Yay!

Yay!

# Do you hear the people sing?

# Singing a song of angry men

# It is the music of a people

# Who will not be slaves again

# When the beating of your heart

# Echoes the beating of the drums

# There is a life about to start When tomorrow comes. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd