Food Badults

# Always fooling around When we were young

# Time flies so fast

# When you're having fun

# Don't wanna get old

# I never wanna grow up. # CRASH

TV: 'Is your broth coming to the boil?'

This programme contains adult humour.

Yes!

'Then add the prawns and scallops we pan-seared earlier

-'and season with parsley.'

-Season with parsley. Right.

Cooking again, Tom? What's for dinner?

'At this stage you should not stop stirring, even for a second...'

Shit-balls!

Shit-balls? Eugh!

Still, can't taste much worse than your Bolognese.

Well, I had an exciting day.

I colour-coordinated my calendar.

Red for work events, blue for house chores,

green for socialising.

Giving blood isn't socialising.

It's going for a pint!

With this diary system, I'll never forget anything ever again.

Did you remember today was your sister's birthday?

Shit-balls!

You've been at work with her all day.

I know - invite her to dinner,

tell her you planned it as a surprise.

Brilliant.

Well, if this is going to be a birthday banquet,

then this chowder needs to be sensational.

CHOWDER SQUELCHES

And I'm already missing the most vital ingredient.

'OK, now we move on to the dessert -

'chocolate gateau.'

The most vital ingredient.

Whoa! Tom - nice haircut!

It's a hat, Ben.

Look, leave me alone - I need to stay focused.

'Melt half a bar of dark cooking chocolate into the pan.'

Chocolate?

Into a seafood chowder?

All right.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: 'This incredible housefly has found some solid food

'but, in order to make it edible,

'it is necessary to spit or vomit saliva directly onto the food.'

-Well, in for a penny...

-HE GAGS

'Once the housefly has feasted...'

"Housefly"?! Ben!

You just very nearly ruined my seafood and chocolate chowder.

Don't blame me, blame Matthew.

He's the one that signed me up to this bloody course.

"Home Education Course - Insectology"?

More like bullshit-ology.

It worked! Tonight, we're hosting a surprise party.

-I didn't know about this.

-BOTH: Surprise!

-Is something burning?

-Shit-balls!

Shit-balls? But we had them for lunch!

I'm proud of you for doing this course, Ben.

Finally, you'll have a qualification,

be ready to face the world, get out the house,

put all those years of academic failure behind you.

What do you mean, "academic failure"?

Time's up.

Time's up.

Time's up.

HE SIGHS WITH RELIEF

You get 30 insects, you observe them for a week and record your findings.

-The tank arrived this morning.

-I get to drive a tank?!

Oh.

Still, how hard can it be to just look at something?

Where are they?

Stick insects.

Masters of disguise!

Good luck, buddy!

Pfft.

"Masters of disguise."

Don't give me that. See, there's one.

Oh, no, that's a twig.

Oh! No, that's a twig...

I'm not going to be able see them with all these bloody sticks in the tank!

That's better.

Oh!

That's the banner. Now for some music.

How can we only own two CDs?

Coldplay or Christmas Hits?

No choice there.

# Rockin' around the Christmas tree... #

-It is July but I'm not a

-BLEEP.

# Mistletoe hung where you can see Every couple tries to stop

# Rockin' around The Christmas tree... #

The disco zone is open for business!

Argh!

I've found 29 but I think there's one still on the loose.

I'll keep an eye out. Good work, David Shattenborough.

How's the food coming along, Tom?

It tastes awful.

I don't understand, I followed that cookery show to the letter -

prawns, scallops,

chocolate, cherry lip balm.

-Cherry lip balm?

-Think that bit might have been an advert.

Look, Rachel's going to be here any minute.

A single perfect ingredient can utterly transform a dish.

Just find one of those.

A single perfect ingredient.

Right.

Er...

Half a can of super-strength cider?

Lard?

But if I use those, what are we going to have for dessert?

Hang on! What's this?

A cinnamon stick?

Perfect!

Oh, and Ben's lost one of his stick insects, so keep an eye out, yeah?

DOORBELL RINGS

I knew cinnamon sticks didn't have legs.

Come on in, birthday girl! Step into the disco zone.

This is so sweet of you, Matthew. I genuinely thought you'd forgotten.

-Cocktail?

-Oh, thanks!

Why are you playing Christmas music?

It's the only CD I could find apart from Coldplay

-and I'm not playing that.

-Yeah, you're not a

-BLEEP.

Thanks for planning a party.

Andrew's away on a conference but this is perfect.

Hey, good-looking, check who's cooking.

-Almost perfect.

-Rachel, happy birt!

I bought you a present.

-Aww.

-It's a photo frame.

Oh, that's really quite...

Tom, there's a picture of you in it.

That was in there when I bought it.

Ah. Found it!

Ah, no, that's a cinnamon stick.

Wow. You guys have really made an effort.

Ben, are you tidying?

No, I'm trying to observe these bloody stick creatures.

They don't even look like insects.

Ben, that's a bowl of Twiglets.

Damn it!

You know what, boys? This is going to be fun.

Just good food...

-Ta-dah!

-Eugh!

...a nice drink...

One hollowed-out orange, filled with gin.

DOORBELL RINGS

Basically, a night away from the stresses of work.

So, no mention of Mr Carabine or Carabine Promotions, OK?

Happy birthday, Rachel!

Mr Carabine!

Look who I invited! Surprise!

-Can I fetch you a drink, sir?

-Do you do cocktails?

-Of course.

Then I'll have a hollowed-out orange filled with gin.

Rachel, I got you a present.

Oh, you burned me a CD.

Yes. Coldplay.

Have you heard of them? They're very good.

You like Coldplay. What a surprise(!)

(Tom, surprise.)

Well, wait just one minute because I've got a big surprise for you.

-Ooh!

-Now you know how you love ponies?

Matthew, I'm allergic to ponies.

SHE SNEEZES

Ugh. Do you know what? I don't feel so good after all.

GUNSHOT, PONY WHINNIES

I think I might just go.

But, Rachel, this is your party!

My party?

Christmas music and dodgy food and my boss?

You've basically just recreated every horrible office party I've ever been to.

All I need now is for some sleazy bloke

to try and get off with me in the stationery cupboard.

I've got some pencils in my room.

Sit down, Tom.

The best present you could have given me today, Matthew,

was to show you've taken the slightest bit of interest in my life.

Well, at least stay for us to sing you Happy Birthday. We've been practising!

# Happy birthday

# Happy birthday

# Happy birthday

ALL: # Rachel... #

ALL: Ta-dah!

Well, that was something else.

Just a pity Rachel didn't stick around to see it.

Yeah, I still don't get why she left.

She said it was because you take not a jot of interest in her life.

Did she? I wasn't really listening.

Just out of interest, your stick insects, they're not poisonous, are they?

No. Why do you ask?

I'm getting fish, I'm getting chocolate, I'm getting cherry lip balm.

This is... Oh! I love it! This is incredible.

He's right, Tom, it's delicious.

Whatever it was you've added, it's transformed the dish.

There's a secret ingredient, is there? What is it?

Well, er...

A good chef never reveals his secr-insects.

No, no, I mean stick-rets!

No, I mean secrets.

You know, I'd go as far as to call this a taste sensation.

In fact - let me take a sample round for my sister.

I didn't know you had a sister, sir.

Oh, yes, yeah, yeah. She writes a food blog, yeah, yeah.

She's been om-nom-nominated for a Foodie Award.

Ah, yeah. I'll just zing it round to her now.

It's a Thursday, so she'll be coming back from netball.

You see, Matthew, I take time to get to know my sister.

Yeah? Now, does that make me a better person than you?

Yes, it does.

Well, I must away.

It has been my pleasure. My deepest, darkest pleasure.

Word up! Goodbye.

Did you hear that? I know, "Word up"?

No, "A taste sensation"! Ha!

I knew my cooking was destined for greatness.

Well, I suppose I'd better get back to my insects.

Right, I'll need loads of fish, bags of chocolate,

tons of cherry lip balm and...

..about 29 secret ingredients.

HE LAUGHS EVILLY

Oh!

Rachel's right. I don't take enough interest in her life. I just don't know how.

"You can learn all there is to know about your subject

"through quiet clinical observation."

Clinical observation? I could do that.

I can see you, Rachel!

-Argh!

-THUD

"The stick insect will make as little movement as possible

"in order to blend in with its background and avoid detection."

Ha. Do you know what, guys?

I think we've got more in common than I first thought.

Ben?

Where's he gone?

Right.

Let's take this observation to the next level.

Rachel's password. Maybe one of our childhood pets.

"Fluffsy"?

No.

"Waffle"?

No.

"Password123"?

-COMPUTER BEEPS

-I'm in.

Ah, Password123.

The best goldfish we ever had.

Now. let's see...

Brother - Matthew.

Place of work - Carabine Promotions.

Yes, yes, this is all good stuff.

Matthew, what are you doing in here?

-Can't you see I'm busy?! Piss off!

-OK. Sorry!

Now, where were we?

Likes - beach holidays, reading, and her best friends, Helen and Amy.

Dislikes - being told to piss off.

-SIGHS

-How was I to know?

Dude, I think I've made my first scientific observation.

All of my stick insects have changed colour and grown bulbous red heads.

Good work, mate, but that tank can't stay there.

My first customers will be here any minute.

-Customers?

-Yeah.

Carabine's sister loved my cooking!

She gave me five forks out of five on Yumblr.

So check it out!

My own pop-up restaurant!

Pop-up? Like the books you read me at bedtime?

We'll be serving my signature dish, cherry choc chowder.

No!

Whatever you do, do not open that door.

I'm going to need your help. Go and move your specimens.

Oh, my stick insects. Dude, they're not just specimens.

I love those insects. It's like...they're my best friends.

Apart from you of course, mate.

Stay strong, Tom.

You're a top chef now...

-...and, like all top chefs, you have to be a complete

-BLEEP.

MUSIC: "Clocks" by Coldplay

'Right. That's Helen's e-mail hacked.

'And the tap on Amy's phone line will be up and running in minutes.

'Now...let me see...'

'Helen is an old school friend who last contacted Rachel a week ago.

'Amy took Rachel for lunch on Saturday.

'The parts of the puzzle are starting to fit together.'

COMPUTER PINGS

'What's this? Rachel's got an e-mail.

'She's going to Zumba tonight!

'Isn't that in Africa?

'Ah - it's a keep-fit class.

'Women only.

'I guess this is where the trail goes cold.'

Unless...

So if we see you in the vicinity of that leisure centre again,

it will be more than just a caution. Is that clear, sir?

Yes, yes, I understand.

Certainly, Mr Edwards.

I have a lovely table for two by the burst beanbag.

Ben! Ben!

Good evening, madam.

Welcome to the Secret Food Society. Do you have a reservation?

Ben, it's me.

I don't care who you are, madam - we're full.

Although...

for a good-looking lady like yourself, I may be able to make an exception.

Matthew! It's you!

Wow!

-TOM:

-Service!

-Ben, get a move on!

-Tom, what's going on here?

It's make or break time in the kitchen

and I've got a restaurant full of hungry diners.

-Who's he talking to?

-He's been like that all afternoon.

The question is, can I get the food out fast,

keep the quality high and not lose my temper?

-(SHOUTS)

-Ben, you arsehole, get to work!

No! I quit!

-(SHOUTS)

-Matthew!

-Yes, chef!

Where are the bowls?

We only own three bowls.

Yeah. Real food lovers aren't into bowls, Matthew.

Ground-breaking food doesn't come in bowls.

Table three. Go.

Leave the rest to me.

Madam!

You've had your pre-dinner drink.

Now it's time for the main course.

Sir, you look hungry.

Fill your boots!

Sir, just a ladle bit for you.

And, madam, you'll be eating out of the palm of my hand.

Tom, you can't serve food like this!

Of course.

I forgot the croutons!

Croutons!

Bon appetit!

-(AS DAVID ATTENBOROUGH)

-I truly feel at one with these incredible insects.

If only I could communicate with them directly.

This guy does realise we're only matches, right?

-Someone should tell the prick.

-BOTH: Oi, dickhead, we're matches!

What I wouldn't give to know what they were saying.

All that stick insect slaughter for nothing.

Tom!

Ben. Listen, mate...

...there's something I need to tell you.

Me first. I've been studying my stick insects all night

and working on this...

...Stick Evolution.

I have witnessed the development of a new breed of stick insect.

They live in boxes.

They keep warm by striking their heads against a wall.

And sometimes they will collect together to make the model of a ship.

I've finally achieved something with my life.

I've never been happier. Now, what was it you wanted to tell me?

-Oh...

-(LAUGHS)

It doesn't matter. Good work, mate.

All I want now is a bit of recognition.

If only I knew a scientist, then I could present my findings.

Yeah. And if only there was a better way

to demonstrate to the wider world my culinary ability.

And if only I could prove to Rachel that I know all about her life

and her two best friends -

Helen, a biologist at the National Science Institute,

and Amy, a respected restaurant critic and Michelin judge.

ALL: Hmm...

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

(THEY ALL GASP)

ALL: Food fight!

We'll invite Rachel and her friends for lunch tomorrow, right?

BOTH: Ahh!

Better get started on my lecture.

But first things first - breakfast.

HE SCREAMS

We're out of Wagon Wheels!

Oh, well.

Guess I'll just have a...

HE SCREAMS

DOORBELL

Ladies! Come on in!

Make yourselves comfortable!

Ah!

Take a seat.

Thanks for the invitation, Matthew,

although it was a bit creepy to find this pinned to my front door.

Anyway, let me introduce you. This is Amy.

Who gave you a lift here in her 1985 racing-red Porsche Carrera,

a car that's worth over 40 grand.

Wow. Yeah.

OK, and this is Helen.

Helen, whose work at the National Science Institute

recently led to the discovery of a new species of British house spider.

Yes, how did you know...?

...know all about the Brown Shadow? Which has distinctive yellow dots on its back

and contains a rare and deadly venom?

It's common knowledge.

-Matthew, I'm a bit weirded out...

-By clowns.

Ever since one fell on you at your tenth birthday party.

-I must say, I haven't...

-...been this impressed since you went scuba diving on your gap year?

-What?

-Wow! He really knows...

About you smoking crack in Thailand.

Well, food will be ready any minute

and you're all in for a real culinary treat.

-TOM:

-Oh, God! That tastes like cat piss!

I'm going to check on the food. In the meantime...Ben!

Ben has made some fascinating discoveries in the field of insectology.

I've made some fascinating discoveries, all right.

But I won't be needing these.

I am here today to talk about betrayal!

-POTS AND PANS CLATTER

-Tom, what's going on?

I need a new secret ingredient.

And this cat piss certainly isn't it.

It tastes exactly how you'd imagine.

Why aren't you sticking to your signature dish?

I had a change of heart about my secret ingredient.

I couldn't cook any more of Ben's stick insects.

You've been cooking Ben's stick insects? How could you?

Well, first you lightly grill them, then you add a little pepper...

Never mind, just make sure this food is delicious - we've all got a lot riding on this.

Tonight, the world of stick will rise above the world of food!

Oh, God! What's he saying?

If only there was another insect I could replace it with.

Ah-ha!

And when helpless innocents are being snapped in two like twigs and boiled alive?!

Revenge. Revenge!

Um...thanks, Ben. Shall we adjourn to the dining table?

-What did he tell you?

-I honestly have no idea.

-Ladies!

-SINGS A FANFARE

This is my signature dish.

-LADLE CLATTERS

-Hopefully, it is to die for!

You monster!

HE SCREAMS

STOPS SCREAMING

CONTINUES SCREAMING

Now, Amy, I am open to criticism

so don't be afraid to give me compliments,

rave reviews, a Michelin star.

Actually...

this is really good.

It is?

Mmm!

-BEN:

-Savages!

-THUDDING

-What's he doing?

Why is he chopping down a tree?

-BEN:

-This tree will fall directly on to the kitchen,

ending Tom's reign of tyranny.

Sometimes you have to chop down a big stick to save some little sticks.

-Oh, no!

-BEN:

-Timber!

CREAKING

LOUD CRASH AND SMASHING GLASS

-BEN:

-Shit-balls!

Ah! Don't worry. He chopped the wrong side.

It's fallen the other way. Ha!

Anyway, he didn't have to do that. I'd stopped cooking with stick insects.

-So what's the new secret ingredient?

-Well...

I found another insect, a little brown spider with yellow spots.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Um...

I don't suppose anyone owns a 1985 Porsche Carrera?

My car!

Oh, my God!

And, Tom! Brown and yellow spider? You used a Brown Shadow!

And, according to the National Science Institute, the Brown Shadow...

Contains a rare and deadly venom.

HELEN GASPS

HELEN AND AMY COUGH

THEY BOTH GAG

THEY BOTH COUGH AND SPLUTTER

Is now the right time to ask if you think I'm a good brother?

Well, that was the hospital.

Don't tell me - it's not as serious as it first looked and they're going to be fine.

No, no - the venom liquidised their kidneys.

They're both in comas!

Anyway. Listen, mate, I'm sorry about the whole stick insect thing.

Ah, it's fine.

In the end, you decided to put a Michelin star second

and our friendship first.

Hey, you think Matthew and his sister are going to be OK?

Do you know what?

I think they're going to be just fine.

No, tell me, tell me, tell me...

Well, Helen lied on her CV about having a biology degree.

And Amy slept with Helen's boyfriend.

SHE GASPS Oh, I want all the details.

In fact, let's go for dinner next week.

I don't think I can do next week.

-Yeah, I'm socialising.

-"Socialising"?

Hm. "Date Night."

Oh, wow. I'm impressed. Date Night?

Well, after the success of Prune Afternoon...

Did you manage to replace those stick insects, Ben?

A new batch of my sticky pals arrived today.

Hey, guys, what's for dinner?

You tell me, Michel Roux-ining-our-food.

I've given up on fine dining.

From now on, I'm all about fast food and snacks.

Ah! Twiglets!

ALL: No!

MUSIC: "Clocks" by Coldplay

# The lights go out and I can't be saved

# Tides that I tried to swim against

# Have put me down upon my knees

# Oh, I beg, I beg and plead singing

# Come out of things unsaid

# Shoot an apple off my head

# And a trouble that can't be named

# A tiger's waiting to be tamed Singing. #