Film Badults
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
Come on, Matthew. We're ready to start playing. | 0:00:03 | 0:00:07 | |
Oh, I love Guess Who. | 0:00:07 | 0:00:09 | |
Does he have long hair? | 0:00:09 | 0:00:11 | |
-No. -No. -Is it Tom? | 0:00:11 | 0:00:12 | |
-Yes! -Brilliant. | 0:00:12 | 0:00:14 | |
My turn. | 0:00:14 | 0:00:15 | |
Does he wear glasses? | 0:00:17 | 0:00:18 | |
-Yes! -Yes! -Is it Matthew? | 0:00:18 | 0:00:19 | |
Hey-oh! | 0:00:19 | 0:00:21 | |
My turn. | 0:00:21 | 0:00:23 | |
Did he, as an ill-advised treat for his now ex-girlfriend, | 0:00:24 | 0:00:28 | |
once shave off all of his pubic hair? | 0:00:28 | 0:00:31 | |
I don't want to play this game. I've got a big day at work tomorrow. | 0:00:33 | 0:00:36 | |
I need to find my old suit. | 0:00:36 | 0:00:38 | |
Whoa! I didn't realise I still had this. | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
That's my camera. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:44 | |
Oh, come on, mate. We're best friends. We share everything. | 0:00:44 | 0:00:47 | |
The only thing you've ever shared with me is your athlete's foot. | 0:00:47 | 0:00:50 | |
You're welcome. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
Aha! There it is. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:53 | |
Old Faithful. Still as good as new. | 0:00:53 | 0:00:57 | |
Hey, Ben, I'll give you a fiver to run into that wall. | 0:00:57 | 0:01:00 | |
-You don't have to do that, Ben. -I do. I'm broke. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:03 | |
How else am I going to earn money? | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
Get a job? | 0:01:06 | 0:01:08 | |
This programme contains some strong language. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:12 | |
Ah, lens cap. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:15 | |
Take two? | 0:01:15 | 0:01:17 | |
# Always fooling around | 0:01:17 | 0:01:20 | |
# When we were young | 0:01:20 | 0:01:22 | |
# Time flies so fast | 0:01:22 | 0:01:24 | |
# When you're having fun | 0:01:24 | 0:01:27 | |
# Don't wanna get old | 0:01:27 | 0:01:30 | |
# I never wanna grow up. # | 0:01:30 | 0:01:33 | |
Still fits great. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:37 | |
To think I've not worn this since graduation. | 0:01:40 | 0:01:43 | |
Sweet potato. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
Hoy! | 0:01:56 | 0:01:58 | |
-Tom! What are you doing? -Keep down! | 0:01:58 | 0:02:01 | |
The creature's vision is based on movement. | 0:02:03 | 0:02:06 | |
-Tom, it's too early for this. -Not if you haven't been to bed. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:10 | |
Ah! Huarrgh! | 0:02:12 | 0:02:13 | |
SMASHING | 0:02:13 | 0:02:14 | |
BEN ROARS | 0:02:14 | 0:02:16 | |
Shh! | 0:02:16 | 0:02:17 | |
-It stirs! -Tom, enough. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:20 | |
I'm going to work. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:21 | |
What? | 0:02:21 | 0:02:23 | |
No! Turn the light off! | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
GROANING | 0:02:25 | 0:02:26 | |
Turn the light off! | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
Roooaaar! | 0:02:28 | 0:02:29 | |
Arrrghhh! | 0:02:29 | 0:02:31 | |
Roooaaarghhh! | 0:02:31 | 0:02:34 | |
BOTH SCREAM | 0:02:34 | 0:02:37 | |
Whoa! Matthew! Why are you dressed as an orphan ghost? | 0:02:37 | 0:02:41 | |
Why are you dressed like... | 0:02:41 | 0:02:42 | |
What are you dressed like? | 0:02:44 | 0:02:45 | |
Half dinosaur, half fish. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:48 | |
Ben's in my first film. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
I'm the producer, writer, director, and Ben is... | 0:02:50 | 0:02:54 | |
dressed like a twat. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:56 | |
The star! | 0:02:58 | 0:03:00 | |
Do you want that £5 or not? | 0:03:00 | 0:03:02 | |
-AMERICAN ACCENT: -He was just a normal everyday dinosaur | 0:03:03 | 0:03:07 | |
until one day... | 0:03:07 | 0:03:10 | |
...he was bitten by a radioactive fish and turned into... | 0:03:12 | 0:03:17 | |
Piranhasaurus Rex. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:21 | |
It's a working title. | 0:03:22 | 0:03:23 | |
That title is not working. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:25 | |
-Fancy a role? -Sure. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:28 | |
So do I! Bacon, please! Oh, you're the caterer. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:32 | |
I can help out tonight, but I can't bunk off work. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:34 | |
Carabine's doing this apprentice thing, | 0:03:34 | 0:03:36 | |
where one of his interns gets hired and the rest get...you know. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:40 | |
To pull his finger? | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
No! Fired. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
Oh. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:45 | |
DOOR BELL RINGS | 0:03:45 | 0:03:46 | |
My sister put me forward for it. That'll be her now. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:49 | |
What the hell is Ben supposed to be? Jurassic Shark? | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
Jurassic Shark. Damn it, that's better. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:06 | |
Come on, Matthew, we've gotta go. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:07 | |
Oh, my God. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
You've actually managed to find an outfit that's too small even for you(!) | 0:04:09 | 0:04:12 | |
Too small? Old Faithful's perfect. | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
RIPPING | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
Ooh. I'll put on some slacks. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:18 | |
I brought your post up for you. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:21 | |
Isn't that supposed to be your job, Tom? | 0:04:21 | 0:04:23 | |
I'll soon be quitting as a postman to pursue more artistic endeavours. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:28 | |
Oh, lots of angry red writing there for you, Ben. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:31 | |
Oh, this is fine. The bank's always saying this. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:35 | |
No biggie. I'll just have to start... tightening my belt. That's all. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:40 | |
Oh! No, Ben! | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
I need you for my film. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:46 | |
Speaking of which, Piranhasaurus Rex needs a leading lady. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:50 | |
You'd be perfect. | 0:04:50 | 0:04:52 | |
She's an investigative journalist | 0:04:52 | 0:04:54 | |
who struggles with a... a debilitating allergy to... | 0:04:54 | 0:04:59 | |
clothes. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:01 | |
Let me show you my casting couch. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:03 | |
Let me show you my punching fists. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:07 | |
OK, OK! I'll find somebody else to play Mammary Buttocksworth. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:11 | |
What's this? | 0:05:13 | 0:05:14 | |
-Oh! -SCREAMS | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
Aargh! That's the finale ruined! | 0:05:16 | 0:05:19 | |
Well, never mind, this is all good stuff. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:22 | |
Action! | 0:05:22 | 0:05:23 | |
GROWLING | 0:05:23 | 0:05:26 | |
Rachel! You got a part in the film? | 0:05:26 | 0:05:29 | |
Congratulations! Bacon roll? | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
Come on, Matthew, we've got to go. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
See you later. Codzilla! | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
Codzilla? | 0:05:37 | 0:05:38 | |
Damn it! She's good at that. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:41 | |
DOOR SHUTS | 0:05:41 | 0:05:42 | |
Isn't she, Ben? | 0:05:42 | 0:05:43 | |
Ben? | 0:05:44 | 0:05:46 | |
Oh. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:47 | |
GROWLS | 0:05:51 | 0:05:52 | |
Clever girl. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:55 | |
Ruargh! | 0:05:55 | 0:05:56 | |
When are you and the Chuckle Brothers going to grow up? | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
I mean, look at me and Andrew. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
We don't play at movie-making. We're redecorating. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:07 | |
We're consulting tone charts, looking at colour schemes. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:10 | |
Did you know there are over 100 different shades of white? | 0:06:10 | 0:06:13 | |
Ice white, snow white, lily white... | 0:06:13 | 0:06:15 | |
Jack White, Diamond White. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:16 | |
-AMERICAN ACCENT: -Barry White. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:18 | |
I'm being serious. | 0:06:19 | 0:06:20 | |
You need to stop playing make-believe | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
with your stupid friends. | 0:06:22 | 0:06:23 | |
You'd never catch me doing that. | 0:06:23 | 0:06:25 | |
I'm proud to say that my boyfriend has no interest | 0:06:25 | 0:06:27 | |
in dressing up or role-play. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:29 | |
That's a shame, Rachel. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:30 | |
Oh! Ha-ha. Mr Carabine! | 0:06:30 | 0:06:33 | |
Yeah, personally, I won't go near Mrs Carabine | 0:06:33 | 0:06:35 | |
unless she's dressed like The Stig. | 0:06:35 | 0:06:37 | |
Well, welcome. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:40 | |
Er...bienvenue to the first Carabine Promotions Apprentice Initiative. | 0:06:40 | 0:06:46 | |
Now I'm assuming that you've all seen The Apprentice? | 0:06:46 | 0:06:50 | |
Oh, you've haven't seen The Apprentice? | 0:06:51 | 0:06:54 | |
Oh, well!! Ha. You're fired! Ha-ha. | 0:06:54 | 0:06:57 | |
THEY CHUCKLE | 0:06:57 | 0:06:59 | |
No, seriously, you're fired. Fuck off. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:01 | |
# MUSIC: "Romeo And Juliet: Dance Of The Knights" by Prokofiev | 0:07:03 | 0:07:08 | |
And then there were two. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
So, Intern 2. Why do you want to stop interning and become full-time? | 0:07:10 | 0:07:16 | |
Money? | 0:07:16 | 0:07:18 | |
-Mm... -Is...is not a motivating factor. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:21 | |
I'm all about working my way up to the top. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:24 | |
One day, I want to be sat right there. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:27 | |
On my lap? | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
No, this is years in the future. You're not in the chair. | 0:07:30 | 0:07:32 | |
You're...I don't know, retired or...dead. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:36 | |
Anyway, tomorrow you will both be pitching to Cooks Kitchenware, | 0:07:37 | 0:07:43 | |
a massive potential client for us. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:47 | |
At which juncture, I would like to call upon... | 0:07:47 | 0:07:51 | |
Rachel, my second-in-command. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:54 | |
HE CHUCKLES | 0:07:54 | 0:07:55 | |
There she goes. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:56 | |
-What do you see here? -A spoon. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:03 | |
A spoon! | 0:08:03 | 0:08:05 | |
HE MOUTHS | 0:08:05 | 0:08:07 | |
Oh, but it's more than just a spoon. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:12 | |
Yes! PowerPoint! | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
HE MOUTHS | 0:08:15 | 0:08:18 | |
What we have here...is an opportunity. | 0:08:18 | 0:08:22 | |
An oppor-spoonity? | 0:08:22 | 0:08:25 | |
An opportunity to change the face of your dining experience... | 0:08:28 | 0:08:32 | |
for ever. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
Well, that's going to cost a fortune to mend. | 0:08:40 | 0:08:42 | |
No worries. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
There you go. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:47 | |
I don't think this is the answer to your money problems, Ben. | 0:08:47 | 0:08:51 | |
Is that Queen Latifah? | 0:08:56 | 0:08:58 | |
All right, plan B. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:00 | |
I'll sell my organs online. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
Whoa! No, Ben. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
You need to face your debt with the bank head-on. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:09 | |
Do you know what I think? You're afraid. | 0:09:09 | 0:09:12 | |
If you try, you might fail. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:13 | |
You don't know what it's like to fail, Tom. | 0:09:13 | 0:09:16 | |
To really fail. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:19 | |
It was 1995. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:24 | |
It was cold. Casual-jacket cold, not winter-coat cold. | 0:09:24 | 0:09:30 | |
The church hall had no heating. | 0:09:30 | 0:09:32 | |
I didn't know what I was getting into. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:35 | |
I'd never done... | 0:09:35 | 0:09:37 | |
a sponsored silence before. | 0:09:37 | 0:09:40 | |
With £300 in sponsorship pledged, | 0:09:42 | 0:09:45 | |
we stood every chance of beating those Brownies | 0:09:45 | 0:09:48 | |
to the annual junior fundraising trophy. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:50 | |
But then, with only one minute to go, | 0:09:50 | 0:09:53 | |
I...I... | 0:09:53 | 0:09:54 | |
CLOCK TICKS | 0:09:54 | 0:09:56 | |
One minute to go! | 0:09:57 | 0:09:59 | |
And so... | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
I know, Ben. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:03 | |
We got disqualified and lost the trophy. | 0:10:04 | 0:10:07 | |
The Brownies had a field day. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:10 | |
Yeah, they won a visit to a Roman fort. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:14 | |
And didn't they let us know about it! | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
BROWNIES SCREAM | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
Losers! Losers! | 0:10:19 | 0:10:20 | |
And the £300 sponsorship money went uncollected. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:24 | |
Losers! Losers! | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
Because of me. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:27 | |
That's why I keep that sponsorship form there. | 0:10:27 | 0:10:31 | |
To remind me of the price of failure. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:35 | |
No. Don't try and stop me. | 0:10:37 | 0:10:39 | |
I'm selling my organs. | 0:10:39 | 0:10:41 | |
TOOTS HARMONICA | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
So, in conclusion, this is not just a spoon. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:55 | |
This is your spoon. This is my spoon. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:58 | |
This is the spoon of a generation. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:03 | |
Wonderful, Rachel, wonderful! | 0:11:03 | 0:11:07 | |
So, both of you take a Cooks Kitchenware utensil, | 0:11:07 | 0:11:10 | |
and let's get those creative juices flowing. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
Now, Intern 1, what are your initial thoughts? | 0:11:12 | 0:11:16 | |
Unlock potato potential with a Cooks Kitchenware potato pummeller. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:21 | |
Excellent. Yes, well. Rachel's brother? | 0:11:23 | 0:11:26 | |
Sorry, Intern 2. No nepotism here. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:29 | |
CLEARS THROAT | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
Well, I have the, er... | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
the spatula. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:34 | |
It's ideal for...spatuling. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:37 | |
I...I suppose, like Rachel's spoon, this isn't just my spatula. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:47 | |
This is our spatula! | 0:11:47 | 0:11:51 | |
Arse spatula? | 0:11:51 | 0:11:53 | |
A spatula for your arse?! | 0:11:53 | 0:11:57 | |
No, no, that's disgusting! No. | 0:11:57 | 0:12:00 | |
Listen, if you're going to actually sell these utensils | 0:12:00 | 0:12:04 | |
you have to find a way of making them sensational, exciting, | 0:12:04 | 0:12:09 | |
sexy. | 0:12:09 | 0:12:11 | |
Without putting them up your arse! | 0:12:11 | 0:12:15 | |
Arse spatula? | 0:12:16 | 0:12:19 | |
Matthew, I got you this job so just, please, don't embarrass me. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:24 | |
You've got tonight to come up with something, and it better be good. | 0:12:24 | 0:12:27 | |
I can't do tonight. I'm helping Tom make Pirhanasaurus Rex. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:29 | |
You'd risk your job to help out Steven Spiel-berk? | 0:12:29 | 0:12:33 | |
-You'd planned that one, hadn't you? -Yeah. I've been thinking of them all morning. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:37 | |
I also had James Ca-Moron and Frances Ford Floppola. | 0:12:37 | 0:12:41 | |
Alfred Hitch-cock? | 0:12:41 | 0:12:44 | |
That's his actual name. | 0:12:45 | 0:12:47 | |
There was a time you used to join in with our games. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:49 | |
Join in? When you played cowboys and Indians, I was the Indian. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:54 | |
When you guys played medieval France, guess who was Joan of Arc. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:57 | |
And when you played Nazi-occupied Europe... | 0:12:57 | 0:13:00 | |
-You were a great Anne Frank. -Six hours I was in that attic! | 0:13:00 | 0:13:03 | |
I know. I read your diary. | 0:13:03 | 0:13:05 | |
Look, Tom, Ben and I, we're the Secret Dude Society. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:09 | |
We made a solemn promise to stick together no matter what. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
You made that promise when you were 11. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:14 | |
And when you were 11, | 0:13:14 | 0:13:15 | |
you used to stick little eyes on a carrot and call it Jasper. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:18 | |
-Do you still do that? -No. | 0:13:18 | 0:13:20 | |
Look, don't tell Carabine but I've made some notes to help you out. | 0:13:27 | 0:13:31 | |
Just don't let those dickheads distract you. | 0:13:31 | 0:13:34 | |
PHONE RINGS | 0:13:35 | 0:13:37 | |
WHISTLING | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
Oi, you can't just leave me here! At least take me home! | 0:13:40 | 0:13:44 | |
Aw. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:45 | |
Maybe make me into a soup. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:48 | |
All right, Jasper. How do you feel about coleslaw? | 0:13:52 | 0:13:55 | |
Guys, I need your help. | 0:13:59 | 0:14:02 | |
-Get on the floor! Now! -Arrgh! Take whatever you want! | 0:14:03 | 0:14:07 | |
Do as I say, else I'll do you over! | 0:14:07 | 0:14:09 | |
Please don't hurt me! I've a weak heart! | 0:14:09 | 0:14:12 | |
And...cut! | 0:14:12 | 0:14:14 | |
Great work, guys! | 0:14:16 | 0:14:19 | |
Ben. There's your £5. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:21 | |
What about my share of the diamonds? | 0:14:21 | 0:14:24 | |
Oh. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:25 | |
Tom, what have you done to the flat? | 0:14:31 | 0:14:33 | |
Well, Ben's troubles with the bank gave me an idea. A heist film! | 0:14:33 | 0:14:38 | |
A cheeky British crime caper with bad dance music... | 0:14:38 | 0:14:42 | |
-COCKNEY ACCENT: -...and a cockney voiceover. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:44 | |
The Italian Job meets Cool Hand Luke. | 0:14:44 | 0:14:48 | |
The Cool Hand Job? | 0:14:48 | 0:14:50 | |
-But I need to work on this. -Nope. | 0:14:53 | 0:14:54 | |
What you need to do is fix your broken camera. | 0:14:54 | 0:14:59 | |
And fix me a bacon roll. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:01 | |
No, you need to help me make this spatula sexy. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:05 | |
THEY BOTH GUFFAW | 0:15:05 | 0:15:07 | |
-Are you laughing at the word "sexy"? -Yeah. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:10 | |
No. I was laughing at the word "spatula". | 0:15:10 | 0:15:14 | |
Guys, we're supposed to be a team. What's the Secret Dude Society's motto? | 0:15:14 | 0:15:18 | |
BOTH: Hello, baby! | 0:15:18 | 0:15:21 | |
No, the one we all agreed on. The one about friendship. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:24 | |
Seriously? | 0:15:26 | 0:15:27 | |
Oh, well, that didn't go well. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:33 | |
At least I've learnt a new word. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
Spatula. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:37 | |
Brilliant. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:40 | |
Right. | 0:15:41 | 0:15:44 | |
Target demographic, strong professional women. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:48 | |
Top-of-mind in-store brand awareness. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:50 | |
Argh! What does any of this mean, Rachel? | 0:15:50 | 0:15:52 | |
OK. | 0:15:55 | 0:15:58 | |
Sexy. | 0:15:58 | 0:15:59 | |
Sexy. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:01 | |
Spatula. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:04 | |
HE YAWNS | 0:16:04 | 0:16:05 | |
Sexy. | 0:16:05 | 0:16:06 | |
CARABINE: I want utensils that are sexy. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:10 | |
-RACHEL: -Don't let the dickheads distract you. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:13 | |
CARABINE: Sexy. Sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy... | 0:16:13 | 0:16:17 | |
-# -Oh! I'm a sexy spatula... | 0:16:19 | 0:16:22 | |
# Mm | 0:16:23 | 0:16:25 | |
# Ooh, he's a sexy spatula | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
-# -I wanna make some eggs I'm a lonely bachelor | 0:16:28 | 0:16:32 | |
# Well, you can use me cos I'm a sexy spatula | 0:16:32 | 0:16:35 | |
-# -Oh, yeah | 0:16:35 | 0:16:36 | |
# Oh... # | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
Guys! Guys! | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
It's three o clock in the morning. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
Course it is. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:45 | |
Do you know how long it takes to make a spatula costume from scratch? | 0:16:45 | 0:16:49 | |
We're trying to give you some ideas. | 0:16:49 | 0:16:50 | |
You don't get it, do you? | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
RIPPING | 0:16:52 | 0:16:54 | |
I've got a chance at a real job here, | 0:16:55 | 0:16:57 | |
not like you two losers either dossing around at home with no money | 0:16:57 | 0:17:00 | |
or cooking up ridiculous schemes. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:02 | |
I'm the victim of a corrupt banking system! | 0:17:02 | 0:17:04 | |
Yeah, and my schemes aren't ridiculous. | 0:17:04 | 0:17:07 | |
Tom, you're trying to make a movie without a camera. | 0:17:07 | 0:17:10 | |
Not even Terry Gilliam does that(!) | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
Now, if you don't mind, if I'm going to have a sexy dream, | 0:17:13 | 0:17:16 | |
I'd rather you two losers weren't in it. Out. | 0:17:16 | 0:17:19 | |
Losers?! | 0:17:23 | 0:17:24 | |
He's got a point. | 0:17:24 | 0:17:26 | |
No, Ben! | 0:17:26 | 0:17:28 | |
We have to prove him wrong. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:30 | |
I need to find a way to make that movie. I need cameras. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:35 | |
And I need £300 to pay the bank back. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:38 | |
I'd rob that bank if it wasn't for the security systems. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:42 | |
Quiet, Ben. I need silence. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:44 | |
There's just so many cameras in that place. | 0:17:44 | 0:17:47 | |
Cameras! | 0:17:48 | 0:17:49 | |
Silence! | 0:17:49 | 0:17:51 | |
BOTH: You're a genius! | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
Listen, Ben. Help me out. | 0:18:00 | 0:18:02 | |
I need an outfit that says..."winner"! | 0:18:02 | 0:18:04 | |
Is this tie too much? | 0:18:04 | 0:18:07 | |
Oh, the silent treatment? Very mature. | 0:18:09 | 0:18:12 | |
'If only I could tell him | 0:18:14 | 0:18:15 | |
'that I've restarted the sponsored silence to pay off my debt. | 0:18:15 | 0:18:19 | |
'That I've spent all morning calling up all the original sponsors | 0:18:19 | 0:18:23 | |
'and discovered that, inexplicably, | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
'they were still prepared to cough up the total of £300. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:29 | |
'Wait, does this count as talking? | 0:18:29 | 0:18:33 | |
'Shut up, Ben!' | 0:18:33 | 0:18:35 | |
How about this? | 0:18:35 | 0:18:37 | |
Count Spatula? | 0:18:37 | 0:18:40 | |
You're right. It's rubbish. | 0:18:42 | 0:18:44 | |
Oh, good luck with the pitch, Matthew. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:48 | |
Whoa, wait! | 0:18:48 | 0:18:49 | |
You forgot your spatula costumes. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:51 | |
DOOR SHUTS | 0:18:51 | 0:18:53 | |
Ben, good news. | 0:18:55 | 0:18:57 | |
I've arranged for you to have a meeting at the bank. | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
You can talk to them about giving you some money. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:03 | |
But listen, it's cold out, so you're going to need to wrap up warm. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:07 | |
Raring to go? | 0:19:07 | 0:19:08 | |
Fantastic. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:12 | |
Take this. Get over there and express yourself. | 0:19:21 | 0:19:24 | |
Lots of hand gestures, lots of big facial expressions. | 0:19:24 | 0:19:28 | |
Really cause a scene. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:30 | |
Banks respond to things like that. | 0:19:30 | 0:19:32 | |
Good luck. | 0:19:33 | 0:19:34 | |
Ah. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:47 | |
Oh, um, I've got a package for you and I need you to sign for it here. | 0:19:47 | 0:19:54 | |
And here. Here. Here. Here. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:56 | |
Everywhere, really. | 0:19:56 | 0:19:58 | |
Then take the paperwork to the depot, with eight forms of ID, and collect it. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:03 | |
DOOR CLOSES | 0:20:03 | 0:20:05 | |
Ha-ha! The perfect crime. | 0:20:05 | 0:20:06 | |
Look at all these cameras. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:09 | |
And...action! | 0:20:11 | 0:20:13 | |
Ah! Bonne morning, bonne morning! | 0:20:17 | 0:20:21 | |
Well, I hope you're both prepared to knock the client's socks off. | 0:20:21 | 0:20:25 | |
PHONE RINGS | 0:20:25 | 0:20:26 | |
Sir, the client's in the boardroom. He's seated and waiting. | 0:20:26 | 0:20:29 | |
Seated & Waiting? I thought he was from Cooks Kitchenware! | 0:20:29 | 0:20:32 | |
Right. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:34 | |
Now, I like to finish my presentations strongly | 0:20:34 | 0:20:36 | |
so, Matthew... | 0:20:36 | 0:20:39 | |
you're up first. | 0:20:39 | 0:20:40 | |
Yes, sir, can I help you? | 0:20:47 | 0:20:49 | |
How can I help you? | 0:20:51 | 0:20:53 | |
HE MOUTHS | 0:20:53 | 0:20:55 | |
Yes, Ben. | 0:20:59 | 0:21:01 | |
Excellent. | 0:21:01 | 0:21:03 | |
Time to deliver my best cockney voiceover! | 0:21:03 | 0:21:08 | |
Ooh! Er...five words. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:12 | |
Second word. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:15 | |
Sounds like... | 0:21:15 | 0:21:17 | |
MUSIC PLAYS | 0:21:17 | 0:21:19 | |
-TOM OVER PA SYSTEM: -A bank somewhere like London. | 0:21:20 | 0:21:23 | |
Meet Benny Ten Fingers. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:25 | |
The best bleedin' bank robber this side of the Bow Bells. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:30 | |
Bank robber? | 0:21:30 | 0:21:31 | |
ALARM RINGS | 0:21:32 | 0:21:34 | |
Love a duck! He's a crafty master of disguise! | 0:21:34 | 0:21:39 | |
A confidence trickster, with a scrotum of steel, | 0:21:39 | 0:21:42 | |
and he's got the perfect | 0:21:42 | 0:21:44 | |
ice-cream van! | 0:21:44 | 0:21:46 | |
Plan! | 0:21:46 | 0:21:47 | |
What's that in his bag? | 0:21:49 | 0:21:50 | |
It's his weapon! | 0:21:51 | 0:21:53 | |
Ho-ho! Joe Public hits the deck! | 0:21:53 | 0:21:55 | |
MUSIC PLAYS | 0:21:55 | 0:21:57 | |
Whoo! | 0:21:57 | 0:21:58 | |
Ten Fingers starts roughing up one of the punters! | 0:21:58 | 0:22:01 | |
But he's got bigger Michael Fish | 0:22:01 | 0:22:04 | |
to Stephen Fry! | 0:22:04 | 0:22:06 | |
Police! Nobody move! | 0:22:07 | 0:22:09 | |
Police? | 0:22:09 | 0:22:11 | |
Perfect! | 0:22:11 | 0:22:13 | |
How's Benny Ten Fingers going to deal with the rozzers? | 0:22:13 | 0:22:17 | |
There wasn't a package. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:21 | |
Clever girl. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:24 | |
Ben! We've been rumbled! Run! | 0:22:24 | 0:22:27 | |
-Oof! -Ooh. | 0:22:34 | 0:22:37 | |
POLICE SIREN WAILS | 0:22:47 | 0:22:51 | |
BRIGHT, FRISKY MUSIC PLAYS | 0:23:04 | 0:23:07 | |
Is, er...this the actual presentation, | 0:23:10 | 0:23:13 | |
or is your brother having a complicated seizure? | 0:23:13 | 0:23:16 | |
MUSIC CONTINUES | 0:23:16 | 0:23:19 | |
Stop! | 0:23:24 | 0:23:25 | |
I've got an idea. | 0:23:25 | 0:23:27 | |
We've gotta get off the streets. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:02 | |
HIGH-PITCHED: You don't just scramble eggs! You've scrambled my mind! | 0:24:07 | 0:24:11 | |
I'm in love! | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
-GRUFF: -Come here, baby! Let me flip you over! | 0:24:14 | 0:24:17 | |
Bring a friend. We'll have a menage a spatu-tois. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:22 | |
HIGH-PITCHED: Whoo-hoo! | 0:24:22 | 0:24:23 | |
SMOOCHING | 0:24:23 | 0:24:26 | |
GRUNTING | 0:24:26 | 0:24:28 | |
Is this all you've got? | 0:24:30 | 0:24:33 | |
No, there's more. | 0:24:33 | 0:24:36 | |
Duh-duh-duh! | 0:24:36 | 0:24:39 | |
I...I think we've seen enough. | 0:24:39 | 0:24:41 | |
Oh, God. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:46 | |
-We're on the run! -Matthew? | 0:24:46 | 0:24:48 | |
-Are...are they with you? -Yes? | 0:24:48 | 0:24:51 | |
-Um, it's a part of the presentation. -Yes! | 0:24:51 | 0:24:54 | |
Matthew was simply showing that Cooks Kitchenware produce big, sturdy spatulas. | 0:24:54 | 0:25:00 | |
Yes! | 0:25:00 | 0:25:02 | |
But what about the target demographic? | 0:25:02 | 0:25:04 | |
How does this demonstrate | 0:25:04 | 0:25:05 | |
that strong professional women actually want these spatulas? | 0:25:05 | 0:25:09 | |
Nobody move! | 0:25:10 | 0:25:11 | |
We want those spatulas! | 0:25:11 | 0:25:13 | |
Ta-da! | 0:25:20 | 0:25:21 | |
So, will you be pressing charges? | 0:25:25 | 0:25:28 | |
No, they're not criminals. They're just idiots. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:31 | |
We found this on the hairy one. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:34 | |
It's a sponsor form so it's clearly some kind of charity prank. | 0:25:34 | 0:25:37 | |
PHONE RINGS | 0:25:37 | 0:25:39 | |
Oh, sponsored silence. | 0:25:39 | 0:25:42 | |
Just need to fill out an incident report. | 0:25:43 | 0:25:45 | |
Name? | 0:25:45 | 0:25:47 | |
Forget it. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:55 | |
-Matthew! -Sir, I can only... -No, no, no, no. | 0:25:57 | 0:25:59 | |
Security guards. Arrests. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:03 | |
Human spatulas. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
He loved it! He's going to give his entire account to Carabine Promotions. | 0:26:07 | 0:26:11 | |
-What?! -Of course, next time, | 0:26:11 | 0:26:13 | |
we'll get more convincing actresses for the officers. | 0:26:13 | 0:26:16 | |
Those two? Sheesh! | 0:26:16 | 0:26:18 | |
What I'm saying is this. | 0:26:18 | 0:26:21 | |
Matthew... | 0:26:21 | 0:26:22 | |
...you're hired! | 0:26:23 | 0:26:25 | |
MUSIC: "Romeo and Juliet: Dance Of The Knights" by Prokofiev | 0:26:25 | 0:26:29 | |
Get off! | 0:26:31 | 0:26:33 | |
All this time, you were doing a sponsored silence. | 0:26:39 | 0:26:42 | |
Why didn't you say? | 0:26:42 | 0:26:44 | |
OK, so let me get this straight. | 0:26:47 | 0:26:49 | |
On top of a full-time job, Carabine also gave you a bonus? | 0:26:49 | 0:26:52 | |
I know. A brand-new camcorder. | 0:26:52 | 0:26:55 | |
Wow. | 0:26:55 | 0:26:56 | |
And you're giving it to Quentin Taran-penis? | 0:26:56 | 0:26:59 | |
Whoa! | 0:26:59 | 0:27:01 | |
That way, if Tom wants to make a bank heist movie, | 0:27:01 | 0:27:04 | |
he doesn't have to go to an actual bank. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
Oh, that's a shame. My next film's going to be set in a women's prison. | 0:27:06 | 0:27:10 | |
Now, quiet. It's about to start. | 0:27:10 | 0:27:13 | |
The world premiere of The Cool Hand Job. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:18 | |
'Welcome to World's Stupidest Criminals. | 0:27:18 | 0:27:21 | |
'Check this dickhead out. | 0:27:21 | 0:27:22 | |
'He's trying to rob a bank without using any words, and his mate filmed it all.' | 0:27:22 | 0:27:28 | |
My masterpiece. | 0:27:29 | 0:27:31 | |
-'What a Stanley Ku-prick!' -Ha! | 0:27:31 | 0:27:34 | |
That's a good one. Ha-ha! | 0:27:34 | 0:27:37 | |
-Plus the money Ben makes from his sponsored silence will clear his debt. -How long has he got left? | 0:27:37 | 0:27:40 | |
One minute to go! | 0:27:40 | 0:27:43 | |
Oh, shit. | 0:27:45 | 0:27:47 |