Girls Badults

Trust me, sis, this is going to be the best latte you've ever tasted.

I can't believe you guys have got a coffee machine.

Coffee machine?

No, we just make them using an electric toothbrush we got in a car-boot sale.

Well, I'm not staying long.

Your flat's dirtier than a Premiership footballer's Twitter feed.

Tom and Ben promised they'd spring-clean. Check it out. I'm sure they've been...

DOOR BANGS

...busy.

Ready.

Steady!

Blow!

Aaah!

CLATTERING

I thought you were tidying the flat.

What would you prefer?

We tidy the flat, or we reinvent human transportation for ever?

TEXT ALERT

Right, I'm off. Andrew says he's got something important to ask me.

Mind you, last time he said that,

it was to help him choose a new knob for his gear stick.

Don't even bother, Ben.

Ta-da!

-Oh, where's Rachel?

-She's gone.

Rachel, come back!

We're about to swap round! You can watch me blow Ben!

# Always wanna go back to when we were young

# Time flies so fast when you're having fun

# Don't want to get old

# I never wanna grow up. #

Tom, if you really wanted to impress Rachel,

you should have started by tidying the flat.

He needs to tidy his face first.

I'm not changing to get a girl.

Call me an old romantic,

but I believe that one day the girl of my dreams will just walk through that door

into my outstretched arms.

Then we'll go to my room and do it till my cock drops off.

Well, I've already got a girlfriend. Tess. She's Californian.

We chat online all the time.

Whoa!

Is that her? She's fit!

She's not fit, Ben. She's smart, funny, perceptive,

and, yeah, all right, she is a bit fit.

She's doing a PhD in literature, studying the classics.

Why is there a picture of me on your profile?

I couldn't send her a picture of me.

And, well, you're the hottest guy I know...

...in the flat.

Anyway, isn't pretending to be Ben a bit weird, sordid and sad?

There's nothing weird, sordid or sad about it.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm off to Skype my girlfriend.

He's having more success with my face than I am.

I can't believe he didn't use my face.

Not even you should use your face.

What is this today?

She's not online.

I don't get it. She's always online. It's one of her best qualities.

DOORBELL RINGS

I feel sorry for you, Matthew.

Imagine being so ashamed of who you are that you have to start living a lie.

Mum?

(MIDLANDS ACCENT) There's my boy!

(GASPS) The barrister!

Barrister?

You've come to visit?

Well, of course I have! You're getting married!

-Married?

-And to Matthew's sister!

What?

So, you're a lawyer who's marrying my sister, are you?

Look, I just wanted my mum to be proud of me, all right? Help me out, mate.

-There you go, Mum!

-Oh, thanks, love!

Oh! Minty!

I wasn't expecting a visit.

I haven't heard from you in four years.

Oh, love, you know how busy it is on the cruise ships.

Singing all night, hungover all day.

But I read all your letters with all your news.

Your own legal firm.

Pilot's licence.

The charity single you recorded with Michael Buble.

Well, I'm here now.

The Floating Paradise is in port for 24 hours,

so I thought, why not come and congratulate my son on his engagement?

Also, they're fumigating my cabin for rats.

Oh, son, you'll make such a handsome groom.

I always remember how good your father looked on his wedding day.

-I couldn't keep my hands off him.

-Oh, how romantic.

Not really. I was only the wedding singer.

The bride was furious.

Ooh, Tom, I've bought you an engagement present.

A crate of Brazilian wine all the way from Rio.

It's blue.

Yeah. I'll level with you.

I bought it on the cheap from Paolo in the engine room.

He may have made it himself.

Oh. Thanks, Mum.

Presents never were your strong point.

MUSIC PLAYING

Thanks, Tom's mum.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Ah. Sorry, darling, I ran out of wool.

Ah, come on, love. It wasn't easy being a single mum.

It wasn't easy going to school in a woollen boob tube.

So, Matthew, how do you feel about my boy marrying your sister?

Well, I'm just pleased that finally she's going to make an honest man of him.

Come on, Tom, you're taking me to dinner.

We'll spend some of your Nobel Peace Prize money.

Can you believe Tom's lies? Engaged to Rachel?

Pilot's licence? Nobel Peace Prize?

If Michael Buble had known about this,

he would have never recorded that charity single with him.

He's such a liar.

Ah! Says the man who used my face to get a girlfriend.

Me lying to Tess is different.

DOORBELL RINGS Our relationship is online only.

It has no consequences in real life.

Tess!

(AMERICAN ACCENT) Surprise!

Matthew!

I'm going to do it till my cock drops off!

I've come to stay. I hope you don't mind.

I am American, so just blame my aggressive foreign policy!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

No, he doesn't mind. Do you, Matthew?

Cos he's Matthew. Aren't you, Matthew?

Yes, Matthew. I'm Matthew.

Now, he's not the bald one, so I guess he's the lazy, stupid one?

Ha. Yeah, he's the lazy, stupid one.

Yeah, I'm Ben.

Oh.

Is...is there somewhere I can drop these?

I mean, I'm carrying more baggage than Hamlet's mother. Get it?

BOTH LAUGH

Yeah, he...he gets it.

Come on, Matthew. Which one's your room?

Wait. No, no, no, just stay in here in the...in the communal area.

I'll fix you a...a minty latte. Ha-ha.

Just don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Like have full sex.

Surprised, huh?

I thought I'd just show up like Lizzie Bennett in your favourite book.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar?

I'm en route to Italy.

As you know, I'm studying Romeo And Juliet this semester.

-I'm off to see Verona.

-Who's she?

What? Oh, that famous English sense of humour!

I think you only get away with it, though, because of that cute accent.

Go on, recite me some poetry.

Poetry? Erm...

There once was a man from Nantucket

Who... Forget the poetry.

-Muffin Puffin.

-Muffin Puffin?

There's something I wanna show you.

Two tickets to that art show you were raving about!

We can go tomorrow before my flight leaves.

Ah!

-Looks like a lot of art.

-It's a lot of Monet.

You're telling me! 15 quid a ticket?

I like, er...Monet.

Maybe I could come with you, er...both?

Baby, I've had a long flight. Is it OK if I go take a shower?

Oh, yeah, it's that way.

Oh! Feel free to join me.

Ben, if you so much as lay a finger on that woman...

It's not my finger I want to lay on her.

It's my penis.

Oh, son, I haven't felt this stuffed since that male voice choir came on board. Heh.

Carol! How was your meal?

Oh, fantastic. Tom's been telling me all about his wedding plans.

I cannot believe Brian May is going to play The Wedding March

from the roof of the church.

You're not going to believe this, but Tess has arrived.

-What, your girlfriend?

-My girlfriend.

Don't worry, Mum. It's complicated.

Oh, say no more.

I once had a similar situation in Kuala Lumpur with two taxi drivers.

Oh, God.

Let's just say they both came at the same time.

Mum!

I'm joking, Tom!

Anyway, I've got to be back on board by tomorrow afternoon.

Am I going to get to see Rachel during my stay?

I've got so much to talk to her about.

Er...no. Erm...she's away, isn't she, Matthew?

Yeah. She's in...Moldova.

Oh. What a shame!

Still, beddy-bobos time for me.

All this talk of romance, though,

makes me want to get out there and find myself a new man.

Oh, that won't be hard, Carol. I'm sure men are queuing up for you at the docks.

Ha-ha!

DOOR SHUTS

Cos she's a cruise-ship singer, not because she's a...

And Moldova?

You put me on the spot! Why did you have to pick my sister?

Because she's perfect.

-All this lying has to stop.

-Yeah.

No, not your lying, Ben. Your lying needs to carry on.

But, Tom, no more wedding nonsense.

I can't cancel the wedding. What would I tell Brian May?

The wedding's not real, Tom.

You're right, as always.

Ha. I'm so glad you're my best man.

And, Ben, if you can keep this ruse up for one more day,

then Tess and I can go back to our perfect relationship,

where we live on opposite sides of the planet.

I mean, she'd never go near me in real life.

Oh, just tell her the truth.

She'll love you for who you are. We should tell her tonight.

Muffin Puffin, I'm going to borrow one of your T-shirts to sleep in, OK?

DOOR CLOSES

We should tell her in the morning.

Please!

All right. I get it.

She's your soul mate. Besides, she's not my type.

Art galleries? Books? Taking showers?

You said she was into the classics.

She hasn't mentioned Aerosmith or AC/DC once.

Ben, you're going to go in there

and diplomatically give Tess a reason why it's best that you slept on the sofa.

Got it.

"Sorry, Treacle, it's already dropped off."

Not so fast.

You'll need this hands-free kit. I've got an idea.

Right. Repeat after me.

DOOR OPENS

Ah, there you are, my darling.

I'm so glad the two of us can finally be alone.

Don't say a word. Just listen.

I ache for you with every fibre of my being.

But we are not for tonight.

Like Hermia and Lysander in A Midsummer Night's Dream,

we must "Lie further off, in human modesty".

Sweet dreams, my love.

Until the morning.

Good night, then, Matthew.

Oh! Good night, Mrs P.

It worked!

Matthew, you're really good at not sleeping with girls.

Cheers, mate, beddy-bobos time.

Dude! Nice jimjams!

Oh, I was about to say the exact same thing to you.

Buy one...

BOTH: Get two free!

Sleep well?

Well, it was a bit warm sharing a sofa.

He stripped down to his birthday suit.

Yeah, my mum made it for me.

Nearly ready, Muffin Puffin. All set for some awesome Impressionism?

I shertainly am, Mish Moneypenny!

Brosnan.

Impressionism is a type of painting...that you really like.

Oh, pretending to be you is so dull.

I know. I have to do it all the time.

Morning, boys!

-Morning.

-Morning.

And morning, Matthew!

Ooh, it's such a shame having to leave

just when things are getting so interesting,

but my ship sails this afternoon so I must away.

Yeah, before I do, I need to "drop anchor" myself. I'm off to the poop deck.

Oh, Mum!

DOORBELL RINGS

So, are you going to tell your mum the wedding's not real?

Oh, what's the use? It's not like she's going to see Rachel, is it?

SHE CRIES

Crying girl. Count me out.

Rachel, what is it?

(SOBS) It's Andrew. He's such a bastard. I'll never forgive him.

What's he done?

He's asked me to marry him.

SHE CRIES

I'm not ready to get married! But I do love him.

Maybe I should marry him. Maybe I should wait.

Latte?

Oh, God, I don't know! I just need some time on my own to think!

Bloody hell. It's just a coffee.

Rachel!

TOILET FLUSHING

Shit!

RACHEL SCREAMS

Oh! Oh! Oh!

I feel 15 years younger!

Come on, Mum. Let's go and get your things.

Ooh! What did you do that for?

He was giving you some time on your own to think.

Yeah. All done? Brilliant.

Not really. I need somewhere to stay.

Well, that's great. Yeah, you can stay here in Matthew's room.

Oh, Tom, thanks. That's really kind of...

She cannot stay here.

I'll keep her talking in there, calm her down.

She'll be back with Andrew by the end of the day.

And I'll get my mum back on her ship.

And, Ben, once you're done at the gallery, you have to get Tess on her flight.

And then we'll meet back tonight for a lads-only curry.

To celebrate our inability to deal with women!

ALL: Yeah! Oh...

Oh, my God! That free-form jazz ensemble!

I've never seen someone play a tuba with a hammer before.

And what about that interpretive dance performance,

where the dancers were entirely motionless?

Those three hours just flew by. What a great day!

Ben? How did it go?

Ben?

Sorry, I didn't hear a word of that.

These are brilliant. They block out everything.

She did not stop talking all day.

-Oh, sounds wonderful.

-Matthew, it was bullshit.

It was music that didn't sound anything like music,

dance that didn't look anything like dance,

and pictures that didn't look anything like porn!

And then she got on her flight, right?

-DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

-Ah...

Tess! You're still here!

I've changed my flight to tomorrow. I hope you don't mind.

I did ask Muffin Puffin when we were out and he said it was fine. Well, he nodded.

Sorry. I bought curry.

Hello, sailors!

Carol! You're still here!

Meet Tess! Tess is still here too!

-Hi, Carol!

-Oh, good news all round, then.

Turns out the rats on the Floating Paradise are too big to be gassed

so we've got an extra night in port while they send in snipers.

So, I'm here for one more night.

Sorry! I bought curry.

Where's that curry? I'm starving.

-Rachel!

-Rachel! You're still here!

Sorry.

-Carol, I didn't know you were here.

-Rachel! How was Moldova?

What?

Have you...mulled over... what curry you would like?

Oh, forget the curry!

Rachel, I've got so much to ask you about the wedding!

What?

-How did you know?

-No!

You can't ask any questions! It...it's not allowed!

It's against the rules!

Rules?

The...the rules of the game!

The drinking game that we're about to play!

Oh, we can use the wine! Yeah!

-Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Do we have to play a drinking game?

Er, rule number one! No questions.

Ha-ha! Drink!

Oh, what the hell! I could use a drink.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Oh, my gosh! We haven't been introduced. I'm Tess. I go out with...

Rule...rule number two!

No names! Drink!

CHEERING

Ha-ha-ha!

So, tell me how you got together with my...

Rule number three! No pointing. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Drink!

CHEERING

Ha-ha-ha! You girls suck at this!

-Drink!

-Ben...I mean, Matthew. You pointed!

Ah. Name! Drink!

Am I the only one who doesn't suck at this?

-Question!

-Aw!

Drink! Drink!

(WHISPERS) Tom. Tom.

Shh. Shh.

Rule number 16, no whispering.

-Tom. Has the plan worked?

-Yeah.

-I'm hammered.

-No, the real plan.

-I think so.

This drinking game has stopped us

from having one single coherent conversation all night.

Thank God. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Come on, boys! More booze! Ha-ha!

-Coming right up!

-Whey-hey!

This has been so much fun!

CRYING

Crying girl. Count me out.

Oh, what's up, love?

(SOBS) I'm not ready to get married!

Now, look, love, you can't back out now.

You've met somebody you've formed a really strong bond with!

Muffin Puffin and I bonded over our love of books.

Have you read The Very Hungry Caterpillar?

Poetry.

There once was a man from Nantucket Whose dick was so long he could...

No, no, no! No, the classics.

Ah, now you're talking! AC/DC. Aerosmith!

# Don't wanna close my eyes

# I don't wanna fall asleep cos I'd miss you, baby... #

Ben! This is an emergency!

We've ran out of booze, which means no more drinking game,

which means people'll start asking us questions.

All right, it's late and there's no more booze. Time for bed.

Hang on, we've still got half a bottle here.

-Oh.

-Come on, before we go, let's have a toast!

Come on, Rachel!

To making difficult decisions.

To fulfilling your dreams.

To brave new experiences.

To trusting your heart and not your eyes.

To finishing what you've started.

To banging an older lady.

Cheers!

CHEERING

Come on, ladies, beddy-bobos time.

I'm gonna take my contacts out.

Oh, but I warn you, Muffin Puffin, I can't see a thing without them,

so I may have to feel my way!

I'll get my jimjams on.

Me too. Then the room's all yours, Rachel.

Rachel, get in there and talk things over with your fiance.

He'll understand. Trust me.

OK. Thanks, Carol.

-Well, go on, Tom. Off you go.

-Yeah, yeah.

Of course.

-What are you doing?

-Erm...

I'm just walking you to your door.

Here we are.

-Bagsie the sofa.

-Ooh, a onesie!

How's a girl supposed to get into that?

-With her teeth?

-Mum!

I'm joking, Tom.

I'm not.

(GASPS) Ew.

Look, don't touch.

I'm ready for my night of passion, Don Juan!

You've done one? That's nothing to be proud of.

I'll be in in a bit.

Well, hurry up. I want our last night together to be special.

Matthew, either you go and tell Tess the truth, or I will.

OK. If I'm going to do this, I need some Dutch courage.

-But we're out of booze.

-I know, but there's Edam in the fridge.

And with Tess out of my hair, I have some business of my own to attend to.

(SNIFFS) Eurgh.

I need to freshen up first.

Hey...hup!

Turn the light off, mate. Ah!

Does anybody need...

tucking in?

Mum!

Tom! Why aren't you with your fiancee?

Now get in there! She needs you!

OK! Good night!

Oh, Matthew!

Finally we are alone!

Oh! Er...can't stop now, Carol! There's something I have to do!

Can't you do me first?

Tess, listen.

Oh. Sorry, Rachel. I needed to get these.

They're my...sleeping glasses!

If I don't wear them, I can't see my dreams!

I just need to be by myself.

We both need to think about what we really want.

Well, Tom, what do you really want?

Er, the toilet.

Er...

look but don't touch.

Carol!

Finally...

..we're alone.

Well, you're alone!

Carol!

Muffin Puffin!

Your housemate's drunk. He keeps saying he's not the person he thinks he is.

Don't ever leave me again.

It's our last chance to spend some time face to face.

Face to face! That's it.

Erm...just give me a moment.

I just need to...find myself.

TOILET FLUSHING

What's a girl gotta do to get a guy around here?

DOOR SLAMS

Hey, ohh! Urgh!

Get off me, you pervert!

SCREAMING AND SHOUTING

It's not what you think! I'm engaged! Sort of.

Oh! Oh!

Eurgh.

Right. Are we alone now?

-Mum!

-Tom!

-Get in there and tell her you love her!

-Yeah, OK.

Sorry, Mum!

Oh! Carol! What a pleasant surprise!

Oh!

Where are you, Muffin Puffin?

I'll be your muffin puffin!

Carol! Maybe you'd like to be alone?

Oh, I thought you'd never ask!

-Well, you can be alone in there!

-Oh!

Just piss off!

Oh, no, Andrew, I wasn't telling you to piss off.

SNIFFS

Found me!

Ah, Matthew. Have you told Tess yet?

No. She'll only believe it if it comes from you.

Exactly.

Muffin Puffin!

Matthew?

Matthew! Finally we can be alone.

-Wait!

-Shh. Don't say a word.

Matthew! I'm waiting!

Matthew? Really?

Really...!

BOTH: Ah, forget it.

There you are. I need a hug.

Mm.

Thanks, Matthew.

Can you give me some brotherly advice?

Yes.

Do you think I should marry Andrew?

No.

So, you think we should break up?

Erm...

Because, the thing is...

he just makes me so happy.

Well, that's all that matters to me...

..to see you with someone who makes you happy.

So, we should stay together, then?

Yes.

Oh...!

Thanks, Matthew.

Hang on. Did you just smell my hair?

And what's up with your voice?

Oh! What is going on?

Oh! What's going on?

Tess! I can explain!

Carol! I can explain!

Oh! Matthew!

Matthew?

Matthew?

Oh!

# Don't wanna close my eyes

# I don't wanna fall asleep cos I'd miss you, baby

# And I don't wanna miss a thing

# Cos even when I dream of you the sweetest dream would never do

# I'd still miss you, baby, and I don't wanna miss a thing. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd