Cool Badults
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
# Always fooling around | 0:00:02 | 0:00:03 | |
# When we were young | 0:00:03 | 0:00:06 | |
# Time flies so fast | 0:00:06 | 0:00:08 | |
# When you're having fun | 0:00:08 | 0:00:11 | |
# Don't wanna get old | 0:00:11 | 0:00:12 | |
# I never wanna grow up. # CRASH | 0:00:12 | 0:00:14 | |
This programme contains very strong language | 0:00:14 | 0:00:18 | |
WOMAN ON CD: In order to begin, you must be completely relaxed. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:24 | |
Imagine you are floating in water. | 0:00:24 | 0:00:27 | |
WAVES CRASH | 0:00:27 | 0:00:28 | |
Don't worry if you can't swim. | 0:00:31 | 0:00:33 | |
Relax! | 0:00:33 | 0:00:36 | |
You are simply floating in the ocean. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:40 | |
No, there aren't any sharks. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:46 | |
Relax! | 0:00:46 | 0:00:48 | |
Just listen to the sounds and allow | 0:00:48 | 0:00:51 | |
your body to move accordingly. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:53 | |
Right. | 0:00:53 | 0:00:55 | |
WAVES CONTINUE | 0:00:55 | 0:00:56 | |
ELECTRONIC BEEP | 0:00:58 | 0:01:01 | |
BEEP! BEEP! | 0:01:01 | 0:01:03 | |
BEEP! BEEP! | 0:01:03 | 0:01:07 | |
BEEP! | 0:01:07 | 0:01:10 | |
BEEPING CONTINUES | 0:01:10 | 0:01:13 | |
WAVES CRASH | 0:01:13 | 0:01:14 | |
BEEPING CONTINUES | 0:01:14 | 0:01:16 | |
Oh! | 0:01:17 | 0:01:19 | |
I thought meditation was supposed to be relaxing. I'm exhausted! | 0:01:19 | 0:01:22 | |
So, this all-in-one remote is supposed to control everything in the flat, | 0:01:22 | 0:01:26 | |
but all I can get it to do is beep. It's a load of... | 0:01:26 | 0:01:29 | |
BEEP! | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
Since when have you been into meditation? | 0:01:31 | 0:01:34 | |
Since I got this CD. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
The 3 Spirit Guides? | 0:01:37 | 0:01:38 | |
I got it for my birthday, along with this kimono and this card. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:43 | |
It's not your birthday. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:45 | |
I wondered why it was addressed to a different flat. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
I'm going on a quest that's gonna sort my life out once and for all. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:54 | |
You're going to the Jobcentre? | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
No, Matthew, I'm aligning my chakras. | 0:01:56 | 0:02:00 | |
Close your legs, I think one of your chakras just popped out your kimono. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:03 | |
Right! I think I've worked out what this button does. Lamp on! | 0:02:05 | 0:02:10 | |
BEEP! | 0:02:10 | 0:02:11 | |
'You're listening to DJ Ribby! This is Awesome Sauce...' | 0:02:11 | 0:02:14 | |
Urgh. DJ Ribby? My sister listens to him. He's awful! | 0:02:14 | 0:02:17 | |
This tune has got a bass line so large, | 0:02:17 | 0:02:20 | |
you can see the bass from space with your face! | 0:02:20 | 0:02:24 | |
KLAXON BLAST | 0:02:24 | 0:02:25 | |
Elementary, my dear, what's-on your radio? | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
This is! | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
The brand-new cut from the UK's number one pubstep crew, | 0:02:30 | 0:02:33 | |
who, this week, signed a million-pound contract. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:37 | |
This is Mulled Chisel with Buntage! | 0:02:37 | 0:02:41 | |
MUSIC PLAYS | 0:02:41 | 0:02:44 | |
MUSIC CONTINUES | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
MUSIC STOPS | 0:02:47 | 0:02:48 | |
Pubstep? Whatever happened to real music? The Beatles... The Stones... | 0:02:48 | 0:02:52 | |
Smash Mouth! | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
Did you hear that? A million-pound contract! | 0:02:54 | 0:02:57 | |
-Bet I could make a tune like that. -Tom, you're not a musician. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:00 | |
Yeah, I'm not a dancer, but I launched that new dance craze - | 0:03:00 | 0:03:04 | |
the soap dispenser! | 0:03:04 | 0:03:07 | |
I'm not an economist, but I introduced that new phrase - a fat quid! | 0:03:09 | 0:03:12 | |
What's a fat quid? | 0:03:12 | 0:03:14 | |
Two quid! | 0:03:14 | 0:03:16 | |
And when I'm the UK's number one music act, | 0:03:17 | 0:03:20 | |
I'm gonna be earning loads of fat quids. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:23 | |
BEEPS FORM A TUNE | 0:03:23 | 0:03:26 | |
You see? That's catchy! | 0:03:26 | 0:03:27 | |
Yeah, so's pubic lice! | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
I am a musical genius. | 0:03:31 | 0:03:33 | |
TUNE REPEATS | 0:03:33 | 0:03:35 | |
Ha! | 0:03:35 | 0:03:36 | |
And a technological genius! | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
PLAYS TUNE AGAIN | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
CRESCENDO OF NOTES ELECTRICAL BUZZING | 0:03:41 | 0:03:44 | |
TELEPHONE RINGS | 0:03:49 | 0:03:50 | |
VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
What a load of... | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
BEEP! | 0:03:59 | 0:04:00 | |
...fucking shit! | 0:04:00 | 0:04:02 | |
# Good morning, good morning! It's great to stay up late! | 0:04:07 | 0:04:11 | |
# Good morning, good morning to you-ah! # | 0:04:11 | 0:04:15 | |
Ah! | 0:04:15 | 0:04:16 | |
I am so pissed off. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:17 | |
This office used to be cool. | 0:04:19 | 0:04:22 | |
I mean, look at these awards. Most Amazeballs Office 2011! | 0:04:22 | 0:04:27 | |
Sickest Accounts Department 2009! | 0:04:27 | 0:04:30 | |
We've been winning awards like these since 1988, | 0:04:30 | 0:04:33 | |
when we were given a prestigious Cowabunga Commendation. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:36 | |
But I'm afraid we're losing our touch. | 0:04:36 | 0:04:39 | |
So I have fired my "Head of Cool" and I'm looking to appoint a successor. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:45 | |
Rachel? | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
Ideas on how to make this office relevant again. Go! | 0:04:47 | 0:04:53 | |
All we need to do is put on an event, a happening, a party. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:56 | |
-I don't believe it. -I know. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
-That's just off the top of my head. -No. That. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
-I've only sprained my wrist. -How d'you do that? | 0:05:01 | 0:05:03 | |
(SIGHS) I was playing golf. Andrew bought me lessons, so I had to go. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:08 | |
Another tragic victim of the "Golf War". | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
Golf?! | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
Who d'you think you are, Venus Williams? | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
Not a golfer. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:18 | |
No, no, I can't have a golfer with an arm virus organising my relaunch party. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:23 | |
-Oh... -No, no, you're going home, Rachel. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:26 | |
And don't come back until you're better... | 0:05:26 | 0:05:29 | |
and cooler. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:30 | |
Matthew? | 0:05:32 | 0:05:33 | |
Are you cool? | 0:05:35 | 0:05:36 | |
-No. -Oh, shame. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:38 | |
There's a substantial bonus attached to the position. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:40 | |
By which I mean, er, no-one who says they're cool is actually cool. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:44 | |
So, by saying no, it's a cool way of me saying yes. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
Sounds like bollocks. I'm listening. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:52 | |
What's groovy nowadays? | 0:05:53 | 0:05:55 | |
Well, er, not the word "groovy" for starters. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:58 | |
Sir, can I just chip in? | 0:05:58 | 0:06:00 | |
(LAUGHS) Chip in, ha! | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
I think that's how you got in this mess in the first place! | 0:06:02 | 0:06:05 | |
Rachel, home! | 0:06:05 | 0:06:08 | |
Matthew... | 0:06:10 | 0:06:12 | |
I always thought the way you dressed was ironically shit! | 0:06:12 | 0:06:16 | |
You're my new Head of Cool. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
I want a full presentation on this party. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:23 | |
Well, working on presentations is a bit last year, sir. | 0:06:23 | 0:06:27 | |
Yeah, don't push your luck. 2pm. My office. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:31 | |
Mr C, I can't believe you fired me as your Head of Cool. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:36 | |
Hey-ey-ey! | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
Fuzzy, I told you, your style is just... it's too dated. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:42 | |
Dated? Whoa! | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
Sit on it! | 0:06:45 | 0:06:46 | |
Hey-ey-ey! | 0:06:46 | 0:06:48 | |
TUNELESS PLAYING AND RATTLING | 0:06:57 | 0:07:00 | |
Oh, meditation, what a load of cod's bollocks! | 0:07:02 | 0:07:06 | |
You don't get what you want in life by shutting your eyes | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
and thinking about it. DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES | 0:07:08 | 0:07:11 | |
Right, I'm here to spend the day with you. | 0:07:12 | 0:07:14 | |
Bloody hell, it works! | 0:07:14 | 0:07:16 | |
That way, even just for the afternoon, | 0:07:16 | 0:07:19 | |
I'll definitely be the coolest person in the room. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:21 | |
Rachel, you can help me out with something. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:24 | |
For the last time, Tom, I am not helping you check for lumps. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:27 | |
No, close your eyes and tell me which one of these songs | 0:07:27 | 0:07:32 | |
you think has the potential to become a number one hit record? | 0:07:32 | 0:07:36 | |
BEEPS FORM A TUNE | 0:07:37 | 0:07:39 | |
# This song has the potential to become a number one hit record! # | 0:07:39 | 0:07:44 | |
-It's a bit obvious. -Number two. | 0:07:44 | 0:07:46 | |
TUNE REPEATS | 0:07:46 | 0:07:48 | |
# Ooh, baby, check for lumps! Check for lumps! Check for lumps! # | 0:07:48 | 0:07:52 | |
No! | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
Strap yourself in for number three. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:56 | |
TUNE REPEATS | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
MALE VOICE HARMONISING: # I-E-I-O! # | 0:07:59 | 0:08:01 | |
TUNE REPEATS | 0:08:01 | 0:08:03 | |
# I-E-I-O! # | 0:08:03 | 0:08:06 | |
Wow! | 0:08:08 | 0:08:09 | |
That wasn't me! | 0:08:09 | 0:08:11 | |
-# I-E-I-O! -# | 0:08:11 | 0:08:14 | |
I think we've found our killer vocal. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
# I-E-I-O! # | 0:08:17 | 0:08:20 | |
This must be the fantastical world of my subconscious. | 0:08:24 | 0:08:29 | |
It's beyond my wildest dreams. | 0:08:29 | 0:08:32 | |
Greetings, traveller. | 0:08:40 | 0:08:42 | |
I am the first of your three spirit guides. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:45 | |
A talking lizard? | 0:08:45 | 0:08:47 | |
You look familiar. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:50 | |
Obviously! | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
Reptile House, Whipsnade Zoo, 1995? | 0:08:52 | 0:08:56 | |
Forget it! | 0:08:56 | 0:08:57 | |
You know, when most people meditate, they transport themselves | 0:08:57 | 0:09:00 | |
to a beach, or a mountain top, not their own flat, | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
with a slightly larger DVD collection. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
And...a smoothie maker! | 0:09:05 | 0:09:09 | |
Each guide will teach you one lesson. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:14 | |
Mine is about achieving freedom. | 0:09:14 | 0:09:18 | |
Look deep into the orb of enlightenment. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:22 | |
Oh, my God! | 0:09:24 | 0:09:26 | |
The Shawshank Redemption. | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
But I'm your spirit guide! | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
Of course, you're here to help me. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:37 | |
Make me a smoothie, would you? | 0:09:39 | 0:09:41 | |
And the great thing is, because you're blindfolded, | 0:09:44 | 0:09:46 | |
you've got no idea where the donkey's tail should be. Ha! | 0:09:46 | 0:09:49 | |
Matthew, are you sure you're up to this role? | 0:09:51 | 0:09:54 | |
Of course, sir, I'm bad. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:57 | |
At school, I was in a rap group. | 0:09:57 | 0:10:00 | |
HE BEATBOXES | 0:10:01 | 0:10:04 | |
# All things bright and beautiful! | 0:10:04 | 0:10:06 | |
# All creatures great and small! | 0:10:06 | 0:10:09 | |
# All things wise and wonderful | 0:10:09 | 0:10:12 | |
# The Lord God made them all! | 0:10:12 | 0:10:14 | |
# Muthafuckers! # | 0:10:14 | 0:10:15 | |
Matthew, if you want that bonus, you'd better make this party | 0:10:18 | 0:10:23 | |
the coolest thing since I started ending my text messages | 0:10:23 | 0:10:26 | |
"hashtag just saying". | 0:10:26 | 0:10:28 | |
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES | 0:10:30 | 0:10:33 | |
'I'm Ribby. This is Awesome Sauce. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:36 | |
'Clickety the gizbo above me nog to earhole me showload!' | 0:10:36 | 0:10:39 | |
# I-E-I-O! # | 0:10:46 | 0:10:48 | |
Let's have a listen. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:53 | |
REPETITIVE BEAT PLAYS | 0:10:53 | 0:10:54 | |
# I-E-I-O! | 0:10:54 | 0:10:56 | |
# I-E-I-O! # | 0:10:59 | 0:11:01 | |
-MUSIC STOPS -Rachel, that's great! | 0:11:01 | 0:11:04 | |
Where d'you learn to do that? | 0:11:04 | 0:11:05 | |
I had a pretty crazy summer back in 2010. Picked up mad skillz. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:10 | |
Superclub in Ibiza? | 0:11:10 | 0:11:11 | |
Computer club in Watford. | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
The next step is getting this out into the world. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:18 | |
-The public need to hear this. -You're right. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:21 | |
Oi, Steve! | 0:11:23 | 0:11:25 | |
Listen to this! | 0:11:25 | 0:11:27 | |
SONG PLAYS | 0:11:27 | 0:11:30 | |
No, Tom! | 0:11:30 | 0:11:31 | |
We upload it online and then send a link to DJ Ribby. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:35 | |
Ah! | 0:11:35 | 0:11:36 | |
If he likes it then he'll play it on his show. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:39 | |
Oh! We'll need a band name. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:43 | |
I'm way ahead of you. | 0:11:43 | 0:11:44 | |
I've focus-grouped this and come up with the perfect name. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:48 | |
The Horny Perverts! | 0:11:49 | 0:11:51 | |
I think it sends out the wrong message. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:55 | |
Oh. I'll tell the focus group. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:58 | |
Oi, Steve! | 0:11:58 | 0:12:00 | |
She didn't go for it! | 0:12:00 | 0:12:02 | |
We need something that explains why our lead singer looks like a hairy monk. | 0:12:04 | 0:12:08 | |
Hairy Monk! | 0:12:12 | 0:12:13 | |
Yo! Ribby! | 0:12:15 | 0:12:16 | |
Set your lobes to implode, because... | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
Hairy Monk are about to chant your pants off. | 0:12:18 | 0:12:23 | |
Kick it! | 0:12:23 | 0:12:24 | |
We'll earn a million quid. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
That's 500,000 fat quid! | 0:12:27 | 0:12:31 | |
DOOR OPENS | 0:12:35 | 0:12:36 | |
Matthew! | 0:12:36 | 0:12:38 | |
Last chance. If you can't prove to me you're up to this, | 0:12:38 | 0:12:41 | |
I'll give Head of Cool to Margaret in HR. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:44 | |
And she's learned to speak Klingon! | 0:12:44 | 0:12:46 | |
How's progress? | 0:12:46 | 0:12:47 | |
It's well rubs. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:49 | |
Well rubs? | 0:12:49 | 0:12:51 | |
Yeah, I've had Ribby's show on lockdown all afternoon, but no diggity. | 0:12:51 | 0:12:54 | |
I ain't even got an ounce of bounce. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:57 | |
I may as well just jack this whole ting in the mipsy! | 0:12:57 | 0:13:00 | |
Matthew... | 0:13:00 | 0:13:01 | |
I didn't understand a word you just said, which can only mean one thing. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
You're becoming cool by osmosis! | 0:13:04 | 0:13:06 | |
Cool by Osmosis is my faveballs rave digga anthem. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:10 | |
Ribby's got it on rotation bare long! | 0:13:10 | 0:13:13 | |
It's working! | 0:13:13 | 0:13:14 | |
It is! I'm cool! | 0:13:14 | 0:13:16 | |
Huzzah! | 0:13:16 | 0:13:19 | |
I mean...whatevs. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:21 | |
So you are the man to host this party! | 0:13:21 | 0:13:24 | |
We must work fast. Let's hit the town. We both need a makeover. | 0:13:24 | 0:13:27 | |
These vouchers have got our names written all over them! | 0:13:29 | 0:13:32 | |
Marks and Sparks, here we come! | 0:13:32 | 0:13:35 | |
SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
Aw...that was brilliant! | 0:13:39 | 0:13:43 | |
Right, you've watched The Shawshank Redemption. | 0:13:43 | 0:13:46 | |
Now my lesson can begin. | 0:13:46 | 0:13:48 | |
-You must have so many questions. -Yeah. | 0:13:48 | 0:13:51 | |
How did he get the poster back on the wall? | 0:13:51 | 0:13:53 | |
No, focus! | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
I'm here to teach you about achieving freedom. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:58 | |
Like in the film. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 | |
"Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free." | 0:14:00 | 0:14:02 | |
Actually, that's better than what the orb could've taught you. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:06 | |
I can't believe I'm saying this, but you've passed your first lesson. | 0:14:06 | 0:14:09 | |
Mamma mia! | 0:14:09 | 0:14:11 | |
-I knew you'd be pleased. -No! | 0:14:11 | 0:14:13 | |
We've got the DVD of Mamma Mia! | 0:14:13 | 0:14:15 | |
Pierce Brosnan's finest hour. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:21 | |
Get out! | 0:14:21 | 0:14:23 | |
I think he's coming out of his trance. Quick, take the picture! | 0:14:26 | 0:14:29 | |
CAMERA CLICKS | 0:14:30 | 0:14:32 | |
That's the band photo sorted. | 0:14:33 | 0:14:35 | |
-Get his costume off. -But it's Brosnan singing! | 0:14:35 | 0:14:39 | |
Speaking of singing, while you were meditating, Ben, | 0:14:41 | 0:14:44 | |
you were doing some pretty impressive chanting. | 0:14:44 | 0:14:47 | |
Do you think you could give us a repeat performance? | 0:14:47 | 0:14:49 | |
Was I? What did it sound like? | 0:14:49 | 0:14:52 | |
Something like this? | 0:14:52 | 0:14:54 | |
YELLS TUNELESSLY | 0:14:54 | 0:14:58 | |
No. | 0:14:58 | 0:14:59 | |
Suit yourself. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:01 | |
I'm off to my room for a massive wank. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:05 | |
Shouldn't have said that out loud. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:12 | |
There is no way that I'm having him in the band. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:16 | |
Yeah, but when he meditates, he sings like an angel. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:19 | |
But when he doesn't, he sounds like Tarzan getting his dick torn off! | 0:15:19 | 0:15:23 | |
Let's not tell him. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:26 | |
But when he's in his trance, he's in our band. | 0:15:26 | 0:15:28 | |
COMPUTER BEEPS Oh! | 0:15:28 | 0:15:31 | |
Oh! Ribby's replied to our message! | 0:15:31 | 0:15:34 | |
Quick, turn the radio on! | 0:15:34 | 0:15:36 | |
'ou're listening to Ribby. Hey, giz-uys!' | 0:15:37 | 0:15:40 | |
How's about a world-global exclusive? | 0:15:40 | 0:15:42 | |
This choon has been all over the net, | 0:15:42 | 0:15:44 | |
but remember where you heard it second. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:47 | |
I give you Hairy Monk | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
with Remote Control! Yeah! | 0:15:49 | 0:15:52 | |
SONG PLAYS | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
I can't believe your e-mail to Ribby worked! | 0:15:58 | 0:16:01 | |
All that "explode ya lobes, you bell-end" stuff! | 0:16:01 | 0:16:05 | |
I didn't think anyone actually spoke like that. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:10 | |
WHISTLING | 0:16:10 | 0:16:11 | |
Wickedy-wow-wow! | 0:16:11 | 0:16:13 | |
What is this slamming choon? Turn this shiz up! It's off the hiz-ook! | 0:16:16 | 0:16:21 | |
OK, who are you and what have you done with my brother? | 0:16:21 | 0:16:24 | |
Rachel, it's me - Matty Boom Batty! | 0:16:24 | 0:16:28 | |
The sickest member of the family - and I'm not talking about my asthma! | 0:16:29 | 0:16:32 | |
Oo-a, oo-a! | 0:16:32 | 0:16:34 | |
The main question is, who is this? | 0:16:34 | 0:16:37 | |
Well, actually, Matthew, the really cool thing about this is... | 0:16:37 | 0:16:40 | |
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Don't step to me about cool. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
I eat, sleep and breathe cool. | 0:16:42 | 0:16:45 | |
You go get a dictionary, look up the word "cool", | 0:16:47 | 0:16:49 | |
I'll call you a nerd for having a dictionary. | 0:16:49 | 0:16:52 | |
I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to my main dude Ribby! | 0:16:52 | 0:16:56 | |
'hat was Remote Control by Hairy Monk.' | 0:16:56 | 0:17:00 | |
Hairy Monk? That is swag! I'm off to down their load. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:04 | |
COMPUTER BEEPS | 0:17:07 | 0:17:09 | |
It's from Ribby! | 0:17:11 | 0:17:12 | |
He wants us to play a gig he's DJ-ing tomorrow at a secret location! | 0:17:12 | 0:17:17 | |
SHE SQUEALS HE LAUGHS | 0:17:17 | 0:17:18 | |
Oh, to think Carabine sent me home for not being cool enough. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:25 | |
I wish he could see me now! | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
BANGING ON DOOR It's Carabine! | 0:17:27 | 0:17:29 | |
That's always happening in this house. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:32 | |
WHISTLING | 0:17:33 | 0:17:35 | |
Matterhorn! | 0:17:40 | 0:17:42 | |
# Oh, Carabina! # | 0:17:42 | 0:17:44 | |
Let's hit the pubs and clubs of this crazy town. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:48 | |
Bit of research for tomorrow night's party. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:50 | |
You're hosting a party? But that was my idea! | 0:17:50 | 0:17:53 | |
Yes, but all I'm "hashtag just saying" | 0:17:53 | 0:17:56 | |
is that now it's being hosted by someone who actually knows what's what. | 0:17:56 | 0:18:00 | |
Oh... | 0:18:00 | 0:18:02 | |
Did you sort those pills for tonight? | 0:18:02 | 0:18:04 | |
Vitamin C. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:07 | |
-Chewable! -Aw! | 0:18:07 | 0:18:09 | |
Hold me close, oh, tiny dancer! | 0:18:09 | 0:18:12 | |
OK, merchandise check list. | 0:18:17 | 0:18:21 | |
Hairy Monk T-shirt. | 0:18:21 | 0:18:25 | |
Hairy Monk hairy mink. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:27 | |
Bootleg bootleg. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:31 | |
PHONE RINGS | 0:18:31 | 0:18:32 | |
Rachel! | 0:18:36 | 0:18:37 | |
What, you're downstairs in the cab with Ribby? | 0:18:37 | 0:18:39 | |
I'll be down in a fat minute. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:42 | |
Two minutes! | 0:18:42 | 0:18:43 | |
-Come on! -My toast! | 0:18:46 | 0:18:48 | |
You need to start meditating right now. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:51 | |
I'm not ready yet! | 0:18:51 | 0:18:53 | |
First I have to imagine I'm floating in the ocean. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:56 | |
Done! | 0:18:57 | 0:18:59 | |
Have a good trip! | 0:19:01 | 0:19:03 | |
# I-E-I-O! # | 0:19:05 | 0:19:07 | |
DOOR OPENS | 0:19:12 | 0:19:14 | |
-Greetings! -Agh! | 0:19:14 | 0:19:17 | |
I am your second spirit guide. | 0:19:17 | 0:19:20 | |
My lesson is about taking control of your subconscious. | 0:19:20 | 0:19:26 | |
Hang on, where's the massive DVD collection? | 0:19:26 | 0:19:29 | |
GASPS | 0:19:31 | 0:19:32 | |
Where's the smoothie maker? | 0:19:32 | 0:19:35 | |
I have hidden them so that you might concentrate more on the lesson. | 0:19:36 | 0:19:41 | |
But this is my subconscious. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:44 | |
I can just imagine them and they'll reappear. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:47 | |
PING! | 0:19:48 | 0:19:50 | |
PING! | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
See? | 0:19:53 | 0:19:55 | |
If I wanted to, I could do this... | 0:19:55 | 0:19:59 | |
PING! | 0:19:59 | 0:20:00 | |
Why would you want to do that? | 0:20:02 | 0:20:04 | |
I...don't...know. | 0:20:05 | 0:20:08 | |
It appears I've underestimated you. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:13 | |
You've taken control of your subconscious. | 0:20:13 | 0:20:16 | |
You've completed the second lesson. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
Next, you must travel to your third spirit guide. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:24 | |
He will teach you self-love. | 0:20:24 | 0:20:27 | |
Self-love? | 0:20:27 | 0:20:29 | |
I'm already pretty good at that. | 0:20:29 | 0:20:32 | |
You must be too, with eight hands! | 0:20:32 | 0:20:35 | |
Now... | 0:20:36 | 0:20:37 | |
before I return to the mystical realm of the spirits... | 0:20:37 | 0:20:42 | |
Yes? | 0:20:42 | 0:20:43 | |
...please take this dildo off my head. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:47 | |
Of course! | 0:20:48 | 0:20:50 | |
PING! | 0:20:50 | 0:20:51 | |
PING! PONG! | 0:20:54 | 0:20:55 | |
What's wrong with you?! | 0:20:58 | 0:21:00 | |
Right... | 0:21:03 | 0:21:05 | |
if I'm going to travel to meet my final spirit guide, | 0:21:05 | 0:21:08 | |
I need to focus. | 0:21:08 | 0:21:11 | |
I can't get distract... | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
Oh! Titanic! | 0:21:13 | 0:21:16 | |
PING! | 0:21:16 | 0:21:17 | |
Brilliant! | 0:21:18 | 0:21:20 | |
STRAINS | 0:21:27 | 0:21:28 | |
# I-E-I-O! # | 0:21:28 | 0:21:31 | |
FILM PLAYS ON TV | 0:21:31 | 0:21:33 | |
I'm doing it! | 0:21:36 | 0:21:38 | |
I'm travelling to meet my third spirit guide! | 0:21:38 | 0:21:40 | |
Ah, I'll miss the end of Titanic! | 0:21:40 | 0:21:43 | |
I'll never find out what happens when they get to America. | 0:21:43 | 0:21:46 | |
RACHEL: I can't see a thing! | 0:21:54 | 0:21:56 | |
Why do I have to carry all this merch?! | 0:21:56 | 0:21:58 | |
Quit complaining! I had to carry the lead singer! | 0:21:58 | 0:22:01 | |
# I-E-I... # Eugh! | 0:22:01 | 0:22:04 | |
Ooh, DJ Ribby has arrived, albeit by the fire exit, | 0:22:05 | 0:22:09 | |
but I wanted to keep you guys a surprise! | 0:22:09 | 0:22:12 | |
The party chiefs are gonna flip their lids when they see Hairy Monk are in the place. | 0:22:12 | 0:22:16 | |
Nail this and you'll have a number one on your hands. | 0:22:16 | 0:22:18 | |
And the last time I gave that bit of advice | 0:22:18 | 0:22:20 | |
was to a little band called Smash Mouth, and look at them now! | 0:22:20 | 0:22:25 | |
Ribby, I have gotta say, I am such a big fan. | 0:22:25 | 0:22:29 | |
I used to listen to you on Radio Twin Counties | 0:22:29 | 0:22:30 | |
when you were doing the breakfast show. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:32 | |
God, that must have been... ten years ago now. | 0:22:32 | 0:22:35 | |
Ten years ago?! | 0:22:35 | 0:22:37 | |
That can't have been me! I'm 25! | 0:22:37 | 0:22:39 | |
I bet this is so much cooler than Matthew's rubbish party. | 0:22:44 | 0:22:48 | |
-Cara-booze-hound! -MDMA-tthew! | 0:22:51 | 0:22:55 | |
Oh, I'm loving the office's new vibe! | 0:22:58 | 0:23:01 | |
It's unrecognisable! | 0:23:01 | 0:23:03 | |
-And I've booked the hottest DJ around. -KLAXON BLAST | 0:23:03 | 0:23:08 | |
You're listening to Ribby | 0:23:08 | 0:23:10 | |
and lookin' at him! | 0:23:10 | 0:23:12 | |
CHEERING | 0:23:12 | 0:23:14 | |
I'm about to drop a Ribby exclusive. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:16 | |
We're webcasting live the first ever gig from the hottest crew around. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:20 | |
CHEERING | 0:23:20 | 0:23:21 | |
Well, I've gotta hand it to you, M-Bop, you've really done it. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:26 | |
If this crew are as wickedy-wickedy-wac as that delightful young man says they are, | 0:23:27 | 0:23:33 | |
then this office is once again cool and you are definitely getting that pay rise. | 0:23:33 | 0:23:36 | |
Get ready to slam dunk with Hairy Monk! | 0:23:36 | 0:23:41 | |
CHEERING | 0:23:41 | 0:23:43 | |
GASPS | 0:23:43 | 0:23:45 | |
Rachel?! | 0:23:45 | 0:23:47 | |
Oh, this is perfect! | 0:23:47 | 0:23:50 | |
This is a disaster! | 0:23:50 | 0:23:51 | |
This is the future! | 0:23:51 | 0:23:54 | |
CHEERING | 0:23:54 | 0:23:55 | |
We are Hairy Monk and we are here to push your buttons! | 0:23:55 | 0:24:01 | |
CHEERING | 0:24:01 | 0:24:03 | |
MUSIC STARTS | 0:24:03 | 0:24:04 | |
# I-E-I-O! | 0:24:04 | 0:24:06 | |
# I-E-I-O! | 0:24:08 | 0:24:11 | |
# I-E-I-O! | 0:24:12 | 0:24:15 | |
# I-E-I-O! # | 0:24:16 | 0:24:19 | |
Finally, a spirit guide who looks like he can actually teach me something. | 0:24:26 | 0:24:31 | |
Dude, you are absolutely nailing these lessons. | 0:24:33 | 0:24:37 | |
-Cheers, dude. -The final lesson you have to learn is... | 0:24:37 | 0:24:41 | |
-Self-love? -Yes! | 0:24:41 | 0:24:44 | |
How did you know I was gonna say that? | 0:24:44 | 0:24:46 | |
You're brilliant! | 0:24:46 | 0:24:47 | |
I know. You're brilliant too. You're a great teacher. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:51 | |
You're a great student. | 0:24:51 | 0:24:53 | |
It's fun to be taught by you. | 0:24:53 | 0:24:55 | |
It's fun to teach you. | 0:24:55 | 0:24:57 | |
I love you! | 0:24:57 | 0:24:59 | |
And I love... | 0:25:01 | 0:25:03 | |
spending time with you. | 0:25:03 | 0:25:05 | |
Well, for the sake of maintaining a proper student-teacher relationship, | 0:25:05 | 0:25:10 | |
I think we'll end the lesson there. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:12 | |
You've achieved self-love. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
You've passed. | 0:25:16 | 0:25:17 | |
Brilliant! | 0:25:17 | 0:25:18 | |
It's not that simple. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:20 | |
There is a final challenge. | 0:25:20 | 0:25:22 | |
A test to prove that you've truly understood | 0:25:22 | 0:25:25 | |
everything you've learnt so far. | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
Ah! A final challenge? | 0:25:27 | 0:25:30 | |
We are in a completely sealed room. | 0:25:30 | 0:25:33 | |
No windows, no doors. | 0:25:33 | 0:25:36 | |
You must achieve...freedom. | 0:25:36 | 0:25:40 | |
This might take some time, but... | 0:25:40 | 0:25:43 | |
through controlling your subconscious and self-love, you can... | 0:25:43 | 0:25:47 | |
What's that poster doing on the wall? | 0:25:47 | 0:25:50 | |
-Done it! -Oh, yeah. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
Nice work! | 0:25:56 | 0:25:58 | |
Do me a favour. Stick it back on the wall when I'm done, would you? | 0:25:58 | 0:26:01 | |
Hell of a guy. | 0:26:10 | 0:26:11 | |
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS | 0:26:18 | 0:26:20 | |
Ah... | 0:26:21 | 0:26:23 | |
Well, I'm off for a massive wank! MUSIC STOPS | 0:26:23 | 0:26:27 | |
'Massive wank! Massive wank! Massive wank!' | 0:26:27 | 0:26:31 | |
What's happening? | 0:26:31 | 0:26:33 | |
Keep chanting! | 0:26:33 | 0:26:35 | |
MUSIC PLAYS | 0:26:35 | 0:26:36 | |
SHOUTS TUNELESSLY | 0:26:36 | 0:26:38 | |
Don't worry, Rachel. I'll cover. | 0:26:38 | 0:26:41 | |
# Oh, baby, check for lumps! Check for lumps! It might be mumps! # | 0:26:41 | 0:26:45 | |
BOOING | 0:26:45 | 0:26:46 | |
Remote control solo! | 0:26:46 | 0:26:50 | |
REPETITIVE BEEPING ELECTRICAL BUZZING | 0:26:50 | 0:26:53 | |
Well, that was... BEEP! | 0:27:01 | 0:27:03 | |
...fucking shit! | 0:27:03 | 0:27:05 | |
SIGHS: I'm sorry the party wasn't a success, sir. | 0:27:11 | 0:27:14 | |
That's OK. | 0:27:14 | 0:27:15 | |
I think it's taught us all a valuable lesson. | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
Yes. Fashions are transitory. | 0:27:18 | 0:27:21 | |
The best way to be cool is just to be yourself. | 0:27:21 | 0:27:23 | |
What? No, no. | 0:27:23 | 0:27:25 | |
It's taught us that you are useless! | 0:27:25 | 0:27:28 | |
I should never have listened to myself when I listened to you. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:31 | |
Rachel, I need you back. | 0:27:31 | 0:27:34 | |
Thanks, sir. | 0:27:34 | 0:27:35 | |
Sorry, boys, but I'm breaking up the band. | 0:27:36 | 0:27:39 | |
Breaking up the band? But that'll mean breaking up the band! | 0:27:39 | 0:27:44 | |
Yeah! I've only just found out I'm in it. | 0:27:44 | 0:27:47 | |
Hey, do you fancy joining The Horny Perverts? | 0:27:48 | 0:27:53 | |
I don't know what that is. | 0:27:54 | 0:27:56 | |
But sign me up! | 0:27:56 | 0:27:57 | |
Yo! Mr C! | 0:27:59 | 0:28:00 | |
STUDIO AUDIENCE: Ooh! | 0:28:00 | 0:28:03 | |
Hey, Fuzzy! Welcome back, my reinstated Head of Cool. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:08 | |
Hey-ey-ey! | 0:28:08 | 0:28:11 | |
Smash Mouth, anyone? | 0:28:11 | 0:28:13 | |
# Hey, now, you're a rock star | 0:28:16 | 0:28:18 | |
# Get the show on, get paid | 0:28:18 | 0:28:21 | |
# And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars... # | 0:28:21 | 0:28:25 | |
I'm 48! # ...Break the mould | 0:28:25 | 0:28:29 | |
# It's a cool place and they say it gets colder | 0:28:29 | 0:28:32 | |
# You're bundled up now Wait till you get older | 0:28:32 | 0:28:34 | |
# But the media men beg to differ Judging by the hole | 0:28:34 | 0:28:37 | |
# In the satellite picture | 0:28:37 | 0:28:39 | |
# The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin | 0:28:39 | 0:28:41 | |
# The water's gettin' warm So you might as well swim | 0:28:41 | 0:28:43 | |
# My world's on fire, how about yours? | 0:28:43 | 0:28:45 | |
# That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored | 0:28:45 | 0:28:48 | |
# Hey, now, you're a rock star Get the show on, get paid | 0:28:48 | 0:28:52 | |
# And all that glitters is gold | 0:28:52 | 0:28:56 | |
# Only shooting stars break the mould. # | 0:28:56 | 0:29:02 |