Missing Being Eileen

I like a plane crash before I fly. Less chance of us being annihilated.

-Father Christmas doesn't exist.

-Don't say things like that!

These two still believe in the magic. I don't want anyone spoiling that.

I hadn't been on holiday for 40 years without Ted.

I miss him so much.

'That's why you disappeared all of a sudden!'

'It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.'

My father, not long dead in the ground, and you're already moving on.

'Do you think I could forget your father like that?'

Look! Oh, I wish my dad was here.

He is here. He's there.

He's right in front of us.

MUSIC FROM RADIO: # ..We'll still have each other

# You can stand under my umbrella... #

-RADIO:

-'BBC Radio Merseyside.'

# Like a bat out of hell

# I'll be gone when the morning comes

# When the night is over... #

When did I last clean behind there?

Oh!

Bugger.

SHE SIGHS

Sorry, Ted.

SHE CHUCKLES

Sod the housework.

I thought we'd dump the kids off at my mum's and make a day of it.

We haven't been to Ikea for a while.

We could have meatballs and chips?

-As always.

-Or maybe see if they fancy a sleepover

and we could have a night out.

Mm. Your Mum would love that(!)

I'm just, erm, trying to get...

You're not diddly-fiddling with your photos, are you?

Have I lost you for the weekend now?

I'm just getting these pictures from the park nice.

Hey, look at this new thing I've got - the healing brush.

Gets rid of lines and wrinkles.

-Who the hell's that?

-Your mum.

She looks like a foetus.

Yeah, maybe.

I tell you what, why don't you drop the kids off,

then pick me up on the way back through? I'll be five minutes.

CHILDREN CHATTER IN BACKGROUND Come on, kids, we're going out.

Liam, will you put some clothes on, please?

I've seen enough of your willy for one day!

-What are you playing at?

-Did you order a cooked breakfast for one?

No. What's going on?

Full English with all the trimmings.

Bacon, egg, beans... Well, spaghetti hoops, there were no beans.

Tea and toast. Newspaper, ironed.

Have you got something to tell me?

Are the police here?

I just wanted to do something nice for you.

-And...?

-Look, I know it's surprising.

I thought, let's just have a nice day. Just the two of us.

Pfft! What about Snitch and Snatch?

They're off making bombs somewhere.

And where does your mum and Paula and the von Trapps fit into this?

They don't. This is just about us.

Could be nice.

-Mm-hmm.

-Unusual.

How long before the arsenic kicks in?

-Does Nan know she's looking after us all day?

-And night.

Not yet. But she said she'd be in.

She'll be made up.

Coo-ee!

Hiya, Nan!

Oh, she's not here.

Where's Nan?

Have you tried upstairs? Maybe she's playing hide and seek.

-Nan?!

-Coming, ready or not!

Nan?!

Nan?!

She's hidden well.

Mum?

Aww!

Nan?!

Where is she?

No sign of her, Mum.

-Did you do this?

-No.

She wouldn't go out leaving it like this.

Mother?!

Nan?

It looks like she left in a hurry. Or maybe she was disturbed and...

Jack!

Has Nana been abducted?

No. Where did you hear about abductions?

I saw it on Spooks.

Yeah, well, you shouldn't be watching that.

It scares the living daylights out of me.

Why is the holiday album out?

She said she'd be in all day.

And the back door was unlocked.

That's not like her.

Where is she?

MUSIC: "Also Sprach Zarathustra" by Richard Strauss

MOBILE RINGS, PLAYS "GANGNAM STYLE"

Now, what did I say about mobiles?

Whoever's it is, turn it off.

-It's not mine.

-Mine's on silent.

MOBILE CONTINUES TO RING

I think it's you, lady.

No, it can't be.

Is it?

Oh, it is. I'm so sorry.

My grandkids have changed the ringtone AGAIN.

Sorry. I'll put it on silent now. Sorry, sorry.

Oh, line went dead. Got cut off.

She's been kidnapped. It's al-Qaeda.

Phone her back. Phone her back!

Now it's just ringing. Answerphone.

Mother, it's me. We're at yours.

Where are you?

The back door was open, your stuff's all over the place, like you've...

Have you been abducted by aliens?

-Aliens?!

-(Just joking.)

Erm, you're probably down the shops. Anyway, could you give us a call?

OK, ta-ra.

Will we ever see her again?

Of course we will. She'll have just popped out.

I'm going to put on CBeebies for you.

Can't we have something else on? It's for kids, that.

You are kids.

Come on, you just have to trust me.

Are me Mum and Dad doing kinky stuff?

As if! More like blind man's buff.

Now, you wait there.

Right, take it off.

Ta-da!

Oh.

I thought you might have bought me a new bathroom suite

and secretly decorated it for me. I hate this bathroom!

I've got your favourite bubble bath and everything. "Hello Vera".

I thought we could both get in.

Don't be so ridiculous.

MOBILE RINGS

-Oh, it's only our Paula.

-Right on cue!

I was just about to say you could have the taps.

RINGTONE STOPS

RINGING RESUMES

You might as well answer it.

It might be important.

Hiya. You all right?

No, I didn't just try and cut you off!

I went to answer and pressed the wrong button.

Your family interrupting our lovemaking, as usual!

No, me Mum's not here. Not so loud, eh?

No, she wouldn't leave the door wide open. OK.

OK. Yeah.

Ta-ra.

Me Mum's gone missing.

Oh, here we go!

-FILM NARRATOR:

-'The light from these stars set out on its journey billions of years ago.'

Nearly as old as me(!)

Midget Gem?

Oh, thanks, love.

SHE CHUCKLES

The universe is so big.

And we are so small.

DRAMATIC OPERA MUSIC PLAYS

Why don't we track and trace her phone?

-Has it got GPS on it?

-'GPS?'

What do you reckon? She's got the cheapest, crappiest phone.

-She got it free with the Persil.

-'OK.'

Well, I'm nearly done here.

But I thought I'd pick out a nice picture of all the family and get it framed for your mum.

But there isn't one of everyone, so I might have to Photoshop one.

It'll take no time.

OK, I'll see you later.

Right, only a few to look through.

Only 22,000.

So the back door was wide open?

Well, it was unlocked.

-Well, that's completely different. You said it was wide open.

-Did I?

Yeah, that's why I'm here. She probably forgot to lock it. Have you called her?

Yeah. One got cut off and now it's just ringing out. But look!

Oh. Maybe she just knocked it.

Maybe someone's been through here, looking for stuff to rob.

Has anything been taken?

I can't tell. Shall we have a look to see if anything's not here?

I've got a headache now.

-TV:

-'Front sitting room there, it's got some nice floorboards,

'an open fire, which is good to see.

'Stairs into your bedrooms there.

'Through into the rear living room area. Now, this is nice!'

FILM NARRATOR: 'And so our journey comes to an end.'

MOBILE BUZZES

Hello.

Hiya, Nan. We're in yours. Where are you?

I'm just worried because she's been seeming a bit low lately.

What do you think this could mean?

I don't know. What are you thinking, Miss Marple?

Someone called Gus, and a number.

Who's Gus? And what do you think the number is? A pin number?

Combination to a safe?

-You shouldn't have picked that up in case they need to dust for prints.

-Do you think?

No, Of course not!

-HE SIGHS

-It's "Gas", not "Gus".

It's the gas meter. She's done a meter reading, that's all.

Oh-h!

Have you had enough sleep?

Liam got up at half-past five, Jack at six.

It'll be my bedtime soon.

Yeah, well, this is supposed to be my bathtime.

She'll have gone to Sainsbury's and forgot to lock the door.

I'm off.

Turn this off. We're going to see Nan.

I was watching that! It was Homes Under The Hammer.

-But we've got to go.

-I wanted to see how much the bungalow goes for!

The last thing I need is you two fighting.

-I was only trying to help!

-They built an extension!

I want no more out of the pair of you.

-But Homes Under The Hammer's me favourite!

-I've just spoken to...

-Not another word. Zip it.

Fine. Your loss!

Ah, that's better.

DOOR CLOSES Erm, Mum! Come here, quick!

What is it? I'm in the bath.

It's important!

Oh, it's always important when I'm trying to get a minute's peace.

-Leave me alone!

-Mum, you've got to come and see this.

Can't I have a minute's peace?

Can I smell burning?

You see, I told you it was important!

The shed's on fire.

You what?!

Maybe she's in here somewhere. It's worth a try.

I can tell you now, she won't be here.

Jack, what have I told you? I want silence from now.

And me dad's up here somewhere.

Is that her there?

Mum! Mother!

I'm not your mother, love.

Sorry, I...

Does your mother come here? I'd know if she did.

I'm here every day.

From first thing in the morning, till they shut the gates.

It's what he would've wanted.

It's my Alfie's birthday today.

-Oh?

-63, he is, or would've been.

Always had a toddy on his birthday.

One for him, one for me.

Do you want a drop?

No, thanks.

To Alfie.

Happy birthday.

Come on, kids.

# Happy birthday to you... #

-CHILDREN JOIN IN

-# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday...

-# Dear Alfie... #

-I was enjoying that!

# Happy birthday to yo-o-o-ou! #

MOBILE RINGS

Ah! It's my mother.

At last!

Mum?

Hello?

Can you hear me?

She's not speaking.

Maybe she's in trouble and trying to secretly ring us!

Mother?

I can hear her. She's saying something ...

-What?

-I can't make it out. Wait.

She's telling someone...

a recipe for flapjacks.

She's phoned me from her bag again.

She's sat on her phone!

Mother!

MUFFLED: 'Can you hear us? Where are you?'

Dead easy to make. I had all the stuff in, so I rustled them together last night.

Chucked them in me bag in case I felt peckish.

MUFFLED VOICE CONTINUES THROUGH PHONE

-Would you like one of these?

-Oh, go on. Yeah.

'Mum! Mum!

-'Mother!'

-Is that a wasp?

SHE SIGHS Where is she?

Nan's at the World Museum in Liverpool.

How do you know?

She told me she'd gone there.

I called her from the house phone in the hall.

Well, why didn't you say something?

I tried to, but you said I wasn't allowed to say another word!

RADIO CHATTER

Come on!

Hurry, or we'll miss it!

Oh! That's a nice one of Eileen.

I'll have that.

Oh, that looks quite nice.

They're nice, them.

Oh, right!

One of me favourites. Lovely with a few peas on the side.

-You can't go wrong with peas.

-Yeah!

Just pop, pop, pop, pop in the microwave and you're done.

I like to eat them out the packet.

No cleaning. You spend your life cleaning.

Oh, yeah, tell me about it!

Meals for one, eh?

Eh?

Well, yeah.

Just you on your lonesome, is it?

I wouldn't put it quite like that.

Nothing to be ashamed of, living alone.

I'm not ashamed. It's just...

-It comes to us all.

-Well...

You start out part of a big, jolly family, surrounded by

all these happy people, and then they all disappear and die.

Till it's just you, the remote control,

a single bar on the fire, meal for one.

Crying yourself to sleep.

Comes to us all.

And I'll tell you something else -

that's lovely with a sticky toffee pudding for afters.

Nice meeting you.

Thanks for that(!)

Sod that.

How is them setting fire to the shed my fault?

If I hadn't have been in the bath, I'd have known what they were up to!

And if you hadn't been gallivanting with the Addams Family, you'd have been here to stop 'em.

Just so I know.

Aren't you cold like that?

No. Luckily, I've had a burning shed to keep me warm!

-Oh, here, look...

-Forget it.

ETHAN LAUGHS

Shut up, you.

Be careful with that, please. I'll take them back to the shop!

MOBILE RINGS

Mother! Thank God. I've been ringing you all day.

Where are you?

I'm on the sofa, having a cuppa.

You are joking?

-Where are you?

-At the World Museum!

-No! I was there earlier.

-I know!

What a shame we missed each other.

The reason we're here...

I give up.

Do you want to come round for your teas? I'm doing a barbecue.

I've got loads of sausages and some burgers,

so bring anything you want to chuck on.

-OK. See you in a bit.

-'See you!'

A barbecue. In the middle of winter...

Not smiling.

Not smiling.

Not smiling.

There's got to be one.

That's all that's left, I'm afraid. Safe to go back in the house.

How the hell did this happen?

It was her fault. She made me do it.

I only said I'd give you 50p if you set something on fire!

I was thinking more of a newspaper.

And where's me 50p?

-Don't be a moron.

-You're the moron.

Enough. You're both grounded. Now go to your rooms.

You hated that shed anyway. It was full of crap.

It'll save you a trip to the dump.

MOBILE RINGS

-It's me mum.

-Course it is!

Hiya, Mum, are you all right?

Have you been in here all day?

It smells like a teenage boy's bedroom. All boffs and BO!

I've nearly done a photo of us all together.

I'm a bit shaky. There's too much coffee.

You look like a smackhead.

Come on, we're going to me mum's for tea.

-You found her, then?

-Not really.

The main problem was Mandy. There aren't any of her smiling.

Oh, there's a surprise(!)

I did find one eventually, though.

So I've morphed her smiling head onto this photo with everyone else.

What do you think?

I think you need some fresh air.

No, no, no, I haven't finished yet. Don't judge me on that!

You've lost the plot. Why has Mandy got a white cowboy hat on?

The only photo of Mandy smiling is from that fancy dress party

she went to years ago as Dolly Parton.

-Hey, what are you doing...?!

-Get dressed!

Me mum's fine, you'll be glad to know.

-Panic over.

-She's invited us for tea.

And before you say anything,

it'll save you getting reacquainted with the microwave.

Ah, sound! Mum's cooking tastes like puke.

And not even fresh puke.

You two are meant to be under house arrest.

Go on then. I can't be arsed seeing what's in me chest freezers.

I need to get away from the smell of smoke. What are we having?

-Barbecue.

-Oh, great(!)

Wow!

Found you at last! No thanks to this lot.

It's all magic-ness.

Oh, thank you!

I thought we'd have a winter stars and moon party.

Really? Got you some sausages.

Oh, thank you.

I bought a telescope from Argos so we can look at the stars.

There's an app you can get where you hold your phone up

and the GPS tells you where all the stars are.

See, if you got one of these, Eileen...

Let's just make do with the telescope tonight. But thanks, Ray.

What stars can you see, kids?

None. It's all cloudy.

Oh, never mind! Your dad will fix that with his iPhone.

We're here!

Let's get this party started.

Oh, lovely red flames!

It needs a bit more coal.

We've had enough of that for one day, firestarter.

Here you are. Mandy's got tons of them. Gets them cheap from work.

It's the only perk of working at Iceland.

I've got some fresh food here, if anyone fancies it.

You're only going to set fire to it.

I don't like the smoke. Has anyone got a gas mask?

-Aren't you coming out?

-It's freezing out there.

What do you think all this is about?

She's just enjoying herself. I think it's great.

I love a barbie any time of year.

Do you think she's all right? Healthy?

What do you mean?

You hear of parents acting strangely when they get older

and it's turns out it's the beginning of, you know ...

Shall we ask her?

"Hey, Mum, are you going fruit-loop?"

I'm just concerned.

She has lost her husband, you know.

We can allow her to be a bit off-kilter.

I know it's early days, but what will people think?

Who cares what people think, as long as she's happy.

-Where's the ketchup?

-I don't know what my dad would have made of this.

It's exactly the sort of thing he'd have done.

He loved a burnt banger.

In August, maybe!

Here you are, boys.

My Very Energetic Mother Just Served Us Noodles.

You've lost me now.

It's how you learn all the planets.

BOTH: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Isn't that clever?

Where's Pluto?

-Pluto's a moon, not a planet.

-There's Pluto here.

-Of course he is.

-BARBECUE SIZZLES

-Oh, I better get that.

It's going to be burnt to buggery!

Here you are, Mum.

Oh, thanks, love.

Where did you get them?

Upstairs in the drawer. They were mine.

-30 years ago.

-Suits you.

Melissa...

I didn't quite understand why you went to the museum today.

I just felt like it.

We were just worried, the way stuff was left. The mess.

And the back door was unlocked.

Oh, was it? Well, there's nothing to rob.

My Dad's picture all smashed.

Oh, I know. It fell when I moved the cupboard.

But I've got a new one now. It's much better.

And then I came across the holiday photos.

Took me right back.

That was ages ago.

I know. Some wonderful ones of the Northern Lights.

So, I thought, sod it.

I left everything and went to look at more stars.

Even went up the cemetery to look for you.

Really?

Is that where you think I should be?

No!

But some people go there a lot.

You hardly go, do you?

I just thought you might have...

I don't know.

Your dad wouldn't want me sitting up there all day long.

The last thing he'd want is me moping about and missing him.

And I do miss him.

But I just want to try and live my life.

Well, that's me told.

SHE SIGHS

I can't sit in the corner wearing black like me Nin did

when me Granddad died, and wait for the end.

I don't know what's going to happen, and I am scared...

..but I'm excited.

Sorry, Mum.

You'll be all right.

I can see something!

Oh, can you see the stars now?

I can see a funny-looking man watching us.

Oh, that's weird Steve next door. Give him a wave, kids.

-ALL:

-Hello!

Hey, we've got everyone here. Why don't I do a photo now?

Oh, leave it, Ray!

What are you talking about?

-I was going through me photos on me computer.

-All 40,000 of them.

And there isn't one of us all together.

-Can you believe that?

-No.

-I did Photoshop one...

SHE GIGGLES Which was crap!

That's because you wouldn't let me finish it off! I wasn't finished!

So why don't I take one now?

Can we? Can we?

-Well, yeah, why not?

-All right, OK.

Everyone, get in a line.

I'll balance it on a wheelie bin and then run into shot.

Oh, get the brown one, the garden waste. It's the biggest.

-Right, kids in front.

-You in the middle, Mum.

-OK.

-MELISSA:

-Ethan!

-Well, get off me foot!

-I'm not on your foot, you imbecile.

-Do you even know what that means?

Yeah, it's you!

-Do I have to split youse two up?

-Can we just get on with it?

Right, smile.

That's good, everyone.

Liam, take your hands from over your eyes.

I don't like the flash. It can blind me for life.

Don't be daft!

-This is nice, us all together.

-Aw!

You're not getting all emotional, are you?

No! It's that burger repeating on me.

-They were cooked through. I checked.

-Mine was burnt.

It's me own fault. I ate it too quickly.

-All right, here we go.

-CAMERA BEEPS

Come on.

-Have you done it right?

-Yeah, keep smiling.

Oh, for crying out loud!

I can't keep this rictus grin.

It's going to go.

Oh, would you look at that?

Oh!

-Maybe it's not...

-CAMERA CLICKS

HE SIGHS HAPPILY

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd