Homeless Being Eileen

Maybe I should get more carrots?

What's this all about?

We're looking after the school rabbit, Mr Bunnington.

I just want to make sure I get everything right.

Well, I think you've got enough carrots.

-Spare any change, girls?

-What for?

-Paula!

Trying to get into a homeless shelter for tonight.

Which one? What's the address?

The one in town. The... Birkenhead...Homeless Shelter.

There's no such place.

Leave the poor lad alone. There you go, son.

Ta, love. You're a lifesaver.

Homeless people round here! Can you believe that?

What's the world coming to?

He's not homeless. He'll have a better home than both of us.

Mum, I've got to go.

-I've got to pick up all this hay. I'll see you later.

-See you.

And you're not just going to sit round all weekend doing nothing.

I still don't know why you don't want to come.

Me mother hasn't seen you for years.

I really do miss her. And all her lovely cats.

And you'll be working hard through that list of jobs I want doing?

-There's a cab.

-Anyone'd think you can't wait to see the back of me.

Of course not, darling.

I wish you wouldn't wear that coat.

Look at the state of it. Station, please.

Bye!

-Oh, dear. You all right, love?

-Yeah.

This is terrible. Wait right there.

Oh, OK.

-Here you are, love.

-What's that for?

-For you.

I could give you money, but I thought it better to give you a sandwich.

Don't you like it?

Well, I'm not a huge fan of Cheddar cheese, but no, it'll be OK.

Have it now, if you like.

-How long since you ate?

-Well...

-Oh, no! I don't mean to pry.

-Are you warm enough?

-Not really. It's gone a bit chilly, hasn't it?

And they say it's going to pelt down any minute. Tell you what,

I live just over there. Why don't you come back and have a cup of tea?

-Back to yours?

-Yeah. Get a warm.

I've got some nice homemade soup, too.

Go on, then!

I'm Eileen, by the way.

I'm Dave. Very pleased to meet you.

I don't believe it. Pete!

What? Oh, it's not doing that again, is it?

That's your fault, that is.

Remind me again why it's my fault?

Because you said you'd fix it, after the last time.

And anything that annoys me is usually your fault.

-A lose-lose situation, then.

-This'll set me up for the day.

And pickled onion Monster Munch is actually one of your five-a-day.

I'll fix it for you.

-I bet you don't.

-You what?

You always say you're going to do stuff, but you never really do.

That's not what you think, is it?

-I do loads for you lot.

-Like what?

Well... OK, I've been a bit busy at work lately, but...

We're dead busy, too,

but still find time for the important things.

Anyway, can't stand round chatting. Got things to do, people to see.

Ta-ra.

I'm saying nothing.

I think I might have overdone it with me bales of hay.

Here, come and have a look, I've finished the run for him.

It's like an obstacle course, so he doesn't get bored.

Oh, they are like the showjumping fences at the Olympics.

-Famous buildings.

-Yeah.

Here's the Liver Buildings, the Cathedrals, and the Apple Store!

-Brilliant.

-I once had the honour of taking home the school pet.

-Gerby the gerbil.

-That's imaginative.

I was so proud. Carrying him home in his little cage.

Such a shame me dad backed the car over it.

Can we try not to do that with Mr Bunnington?

Me dad went to the pet store and bought another one to replace it.

But they only had a chinchilla - ten times the size of a gerbil.

We just said Gerby'd had a growth spurt over the holidays,

but nobody believed us.

-Funny that(!)

-In the end, everyone loved Chinny the chinchilla...

..until he went wild and bit the headmaster on the face

-and had to be put down.

-Right.

-That's lovely, that. Thank you.

-You're welcome.

-I should be going.

-You don't want to go yet.

Listen to that rain.

Tell you what, why don't I run you a bath?

-You what?

-I've got some lovely Radox muscle-soak stuff.

Got essential oils in it.

Yeah... Eileen, I think I should explain...

You don't have to explain anything to me.

I don't care how you ended up where you are.

I'm not here to judge you. Go on, let me run you that bath.

OK.

-Hey, kids, d'you want to lift to school?

-Nah.

Come on. We're leaving at the same time and I'm going your way.

Yeah, but Chanice's mum is giving us a lift.

-Too late now. We've moved on.

-Don't say I didn't ask.

Mum?

D'you fancy coming with us to pick up this bloody rabbit?

The kids'd love you to be there. Oh! I'm dying for the loo.

Yeah, OK.

No! Paula!

-Argh!

-Argh!

-Who are you?

I'm Dave. Who are you?

Paula! What are you doing in me mum's bath?

Come out of there, and leave the poor man alone. Sorry, Dave.

Where did he come from? What is going on? Have you...?

Oh my God! He is half your age.

Don't be stupid. Get downstairs.

Hi, honey! I'm home.

I thought I'd pop back on me break, make a special effort

and fix that washing machine.

Pump's all fixed there. Shouldn't have any problems. Hi, Pete.

-Ken? You've fixed it?

-It needed doing.

So you got someone else in?

Someone from the same firm as me.

-My workmate. Colleague.

-You always say it's such a good company.

-You said Pete was away today.

-Did I say that?

What I meant to say was, "He'll never do it,

"so I'll get you in and, if it's someone he knows,

"it might ram the point home a bit further."

I'm all done here. Great seeing you both.

-What about payment?

-It's free. Gratis. A gift.

I can't do anything right, can I?

It appears not.

Do you want a choc ice? Got 78 of them free from work.

Got to be eaten by tomorrow. No?

It just gets better!

He is a homeless man that you picked up outside the Post Office?

Shh. I didn't pick him up. I felt sorry for him.

And I've offered him a cup of tea.

-And now he's in the bath? Is he moving in?

-Don't be daft.

(What do you know about him?)

Well, I got a couple of references before I spoke to him.

-Hiya. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...

-No, no... Just a surprise.

Eileen ran a bath. I just... I feel a bit foolish now.

-I should leave you...

-Have you got somewhere to go?

-Paula!

Oh, yeah, across the way. I live just by the shops.

Well, I've just made a brew.

Have a cup of tea and a piece of cake before you go. Come on.

Go on, then.

He's not homeless. He lives over the way.

That's just his way of showing you where he's sleeping rough.

It's his pride. He's not going to say "I'm homeless and I've got nothing."

He was begging. You should see his coat.

I've got an appointment with a rabbit.

Oh, dear me.

Eileen. Have you seen me clothes?

-Yeah. I've put them in the wash.

-Oh.

-Not that they needed it...

I just thought that it might have been a while...

-And I was doing a coloured wash...

-What am I going to put on?

Oh! I didn't think about that.

Erm...let me see.

Well, that could fit, but I'm not sure about the pattern.

SHE CHUCKLES

They're Liam's.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Hiya.

Where's this bunny, then?

Liam was a bit unsure about Mr Bunnington.

He's terrifying. He just stares at me.

We've got to bring him home. I've spent the last fortnight building...

So Jack's got him and is going to give him a hand.

-I think this will be really good for Liam.

-Come on, then. Where is it?

He's in here.

You haven't put the poor thing in your bag! It'll suffocate.

Here he is. Mr Bunnington.

Scary staring rabbit.

-It's a toy?

-Not a real rabbit?

-Course not.

-Oh, did you think that...?

-No, no. We knew it was a stuffed toy.

Yeah. And not a real live breathing rabbit.

With a name like Mr Bunnington, we knew it was made of

foam and fake fur.

Miss Dunne in year two has tried it and it's been a huge success.

I'm not being funny, but it'll not take much looking after.

He's not going to need specially obstacles.

It's all about the children using their imaginations,

looking after things that don't belong to them,

-without killing them. It's great, isn't it?

-Yeah.

You got Mr Bunnington? Poor you. It's more trouble than it's worth.

I'd rather have taken home a crazed pit-bull.

Come on.

Mmm! lovely carrots. Nom nom nom!

Come on! We're having a great time.

-No!

-Look at this wonderful obstacle course I've made for him.

Ooh, lovely!

Are you ready for this?

Yeah. They're only clothes. Best put them to good use.

Oh, right.

Oh, was this a bad idea?

No, no. It's fine.

Oh, your clothes are on the line. They'll be dry soon.

I see you've packed your little tool box.

Just the light needs fixing in the kitchen. It's really tricky.

What are you on now?

I'm on seven.

This is my eighth. Bet I puke way before you.

I'm going to puke first. Eurgh!

Melissa. That's enough now!

Only messing. Sounds good, though, doesn't it.

What's wrong with you? You look like you've seen a ghost.

I think I have. I must be going mad.

I've just seen me dad.

You what? You've lost the plot!

Who the hell's that?

I'm frigged if I know.

And what's he doing in me dad's cardigan?

Hello.

Hiya.

You meet Dave?

Yeah, but who is he?

Who's that weird man?

Is that your new boyfriend, Nan?

No! God no. He's just a friend.

-Where did he come from?

-He's homeless.

-Hopeless?

-Homeless. I gave him some warm food and a bath.

-You what?

He's only wearing those clothes cos I washed his. They're nearly dry.

What's he doing with the lights?

You know that light's always on the blink.

He reckons he can fix it.

But I was going to do that. I am an electrician. That is my job.

Well, you'll probably have to finish it off.

I don't think he knows what he's doing.

Lights all fixed. Anything else?

I really do give up.

-Thanks, Dave.

-Pleasure.

-Hello.

-Hiya!

No more feeding the pigmy goats or patting the ferrets?

Not for this year, Johnny.

Don't stare, kids.

Er, my name's Jack.

So they gave you a stuffed toy to look after?

What kind of school is it?

Just lash it in the boot, they'll be none the wiser.

It's not about looking after it.

As we thought.

It's about using their imagination and creativity.

-I think it's a great idea.

-Yeah.

What's a buckaroo, when it's at home?

-Where you get on the floor.

-And I get on your back.

-Here you are.

-What's the story with this bloke?

He's just in need. I'm just doing my bit.

Should we be letting the kids near him?

Shall we see if we can get him CRB checked?

Oh yeah! He's a right menace, isn't he?

Can Dave come back to our house? He's more fun than Mr Bunnington.

DAVE LAUGHS

I'm on me knees.

Oh, no! Mr Bunnington.

Have we left him at me mother's? Better call and check he's OK.

Well, he's not going to go anywhere is he?

No, I haven't seen him anywhere.

Oh! That's me popcorn.

Dave and I are about to watch a film.

If he turns up, I'll give you a shout.

OK, thanks Mum.

Where the hell is he?

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

What is it?

"We've got the bunny - don't try anything funny." Aw, that rhymed!

-Who do you think's got him?

-I wonder. Who could THAT be?

-It could be that woman.

-It's Ethan and Melissa.

It's got their names all over it. Who else could it be?

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

"Pay the ransom of a new iPhone and ten Star Bars or else."

It's Ethan and Melissa.

Right, Pete...

Mr Bunnington. Where is he?

I think we've left him at Nan and Dave's house.

"And Dave's?" Can we just call it Nan's, please?

Can we go and get him?

I want a photo of him brushing his teeth before he goes to bed.

I don't want him back. He's got evil eyes.

Right. Well, the thing is, he's been...

..been washed and made ready for bed by Nanny.

-And Dave.

-And maybe by Dave.

But now he's asleep, and we can go and get him in the morning.

That's right. He hasn't been wrapped

in gaffer tape or kidnapped or anything like that.

-You what?

-That's it. Ready for bed. Thank you, Ray.

-Right.

-Ethan and Melissa aren't here.

They've got a sleepover at the twins'.

Of course they haven't kidnapped Mr Bunnington.

Wrapped him in gaffer tape?

What ransom?

Oh, stop it! I love those kids.

Are you sure it's them?

Oh, it'll be them.

MUSIC: "Stuck In The Middle With You" by Stealers Wheel

"No answer from twins. All asleep. Sort out in morning.

"Bugs Bunny will be fine." What shall we do?

It's a stuffed toy.

It's a stuffed toy. Let's go to bed.

I think I'm addicted to these.

D'you think he's still there?

Who? Mr Bunnington?

No, Dave.

I just keep thinking of me mum, all alone with that bloke there,

in me dad's clothes.

She can look after herself.

-You don't think she fancies him, do you?

-No.

No!

Why don't we make the most of having the place to ourselves?

What you thinking?

Just thinking about Dave.

Oh, great!

You still awake?

I can't stop thinking about Mr Bunnington.

Oh...

There you go. Boiled eggs with toast soldiers.

Have I slept here all night? I'm sorry. I should have gone home.

Oh, don't start that again. Eat your breakfast-ness.

You might want to look at this.

There's also a ransom note, cut out from all bits of newspaper.

It's actually quite creative.

What does it say?

"We want the ransom," spelt wrong, "by midday today or he gets it.

"Leave at the crossroads." Which crossroads?

-"Or Nan's house."

-This is ridiculous.

We're going to go and get him, but whatever we do, we do not tell...

-Jack and Liam.

-We've got to get him back.

I thought you didn't like Mr Bunnington?

I didn't, but he needs our help. We've got to rescue him.

-Is it your go?

-Yes.

Eight, nine, ten.

They're not here. No Melissa, Ethan or ruddy rabbit. Or Pete.

Have you seen him?

He makes a song and dance about wanting to be there for us

and when I need him, he's like the Scarlet Pimpernel.

Am I talking to meself?

Hiya.

I was just wondering if you had any spare beds for the night?

-Oh, right.

-Not for me.

-Oh, no!

What you looking at? It's just for a friend.

Yeah. Of course it is.

I'm not homeless.

-Are you sure about that?

-Yeah.

I know I could do with a shave and I am a bit tired.

Anyway...are there any beds going?

I'll have a look for you.

Hand over the ransom or the bunny's swinging.

Are you going to release the hostage?

Not until you've met our demands.

I have had enough of...

Shush. We'll deal with this.

You go and check for exits inside the house,

while I keep it covered here.

Roger. Hack.

I don't believe this.

It's great. I'm so proud of them.

What are you all doing?

Oh, there he is.

Are they my tights?

Is he still here?

-Let us through.

-No way!

What the frig?

What now?

We're on the case. You distract them up there.

Is Pete here?

No sign of him. Oh, be careful.!

What's he doing?

I think we should have done a risk assessment.

-Did either of you drop this fiver?

-What fiver?

Where? It's mine.

Give me that!

Dave's my hero.

Ah, that's cheating.

Come on. That's not fair.

I'm not even going to ask.

Where've you been?

Just something I needed to do.

Ooh! Mr Mysterious.

Thanks, SuperDave!

What a relief.

That was amazing.

I was doing me and Dave a pasta bake.

So I've sent him over to the shop for some cheese,

so you can all have some.

Why did all the kids go with him?

The kids love Dave.

I've got some good news on the Dave front.

I've been into town, round a few hostels

and found him a bed for a couple of nights.

That's nice of you. I thought you weren't keen on him.

He seems like a decent bloke, who just needs a bit of help.

What's come over you?

I've rang and rang and he just doesn't answer.

Stop the cab!

What's my husband doing going into that woman's house?

And whose are those kids?

Maybe he's a bigamist. It happens.

Let me out.

Right, well. The pasta shouldn't be long.

Oh, isn't this lovely, all of us together-ness?

Hey, Dave, got some news for you.

KNOCKING

-Oh, my god!

-Who's that?

-What's going on here?

-It's the wife!

There's a wife?!

Is she homeless, too? Is she moving in?

Homeless? Who's homeless?

You are. You've been living on the street, so me nan took you in.

That's not what you thought, is it?

Oh, mother!

I live just by the Post Office. I really do.

In a house.

So why were you begging outside it, then?

You what? I was just sitting down with a coffee.

You offered me a sandwich and some soup,

and I really like soup, so I thought, "Well, why not?"

Oh, god!

I did think it was a bit odd

when you ran me a bath and washed all me clothes.

But it's much nicer being here, than at home, with her.

Who are these people?

How did you get in?

Does this mean you're not staying at Nan's any more?

I love Dave. I don't want him to go.

All right. Come on, son.

Will someone please tell me what's going on?

I just feel so foolish.

Cajoling some random man off the street, to eat my soup.

Am I that desperate for company and somebody to look after?

I found him a bed in a hostel!

Paula found him in the bath!

The poor bloke ending up with us!

Well, I think this is farewell.

Don't forget your coat. I fixed the pocket and the holes.

Thanks a lot. He'll never get rid of it now.

I'm just up the road. Can I come and visit again?

Any time.

Over my dead body!

Fancy a choc ice?

Liam did brilliantly with the Mr Bunnington task.

I loved him being kidnapped by these evil bandits, Ethan and Melissa,

and being saved by a homeless man who wasn't really homeless.

Oh, such an imagination.

-But it was all true.

-Of course it was!

As a reward, we thought you'd like to do it again.

With Mr Cattington.

I can't wait to see what happens to him next time!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd